Joanne Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 I don't have experience with this as a parent yet (my adult is only 18 and still living in my home). I have a friend who was just blessed with her first grandchild. She chose to take a day off each week from her own business (upscale hair stylist) to provide childcare because she knew her daughter and son-in-law could not afford it or afford to have an at home parent. That is so kind and sweet and helpful, IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 I pray my son marries someone local and I get to be involved in my grand children's care in that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 This is the type of parent/grandparent I want to be. That is the type of grandmother that my own mom was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingersmom Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 I have told my daughter that when she has children that I would love to be their nanny so she can go to work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrn Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 :crying: My mom told me that I was just going to have to figure it out myself. She didn't have help from her mom so she wasn't going to help me either. And she wonders why we don't have a relationship anymore. Needless to say, things will be different when I'm a grandparent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 I have a friend who was just blessed with her first grandchild. She chose to take a day off each week from her own business (upscale hair stylist) to provide childcare because she knew her daughter and son-in-law could not afford it or afford to have an at home parent. That is so kind and sweet and helpful, IMO. My sister's kids have grandparents like this. Her mil watched her youngest so she could go back to work. They were also in a "must work/can't afford childcare" situation. (Her other dc were already in school.) Then to give mil a break our mom would take the kids on one of her days off and during some school breaks. I'm do envy my sis living so close to family. We live hundreds of miles from mil (who is too old to help at all anyway) and thousands of miles from my mom who would help if she wasn't thousands of miles away. :D Your friend is definitely a treasure! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 How fabulous for everyone involved! My mom was gushing about one of her friends who works near her son and DIL on Thursdays. She goes straight to their house and babysits their newborn so that mom can nap or go to the store or mom and dad can go out to dinner. Isn't that just WONDERFUL of her? Yeah. Wonderful. My mother had stopped by for an hour, rescheduled several times based on her excuses, to drop off a month late birthday present for my youngest. During the baby's nap time. *bang head* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingersmom Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 :crying: My mom told me that I was just going to have to figure it out myself. She didn't have help from her mom so she wasn't going to help me either. And she wonders why we don't have a relationship anymore. Needless to say, things will be different when I'm a grandparent. Sounds just like my mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 My parents lived cross-country from us when my children were babies/young. We were on our own, but were blessed by wonderfully loving and helpful local friends who helped when we really needed it. One time, when our eldest was but a few months old, DH was traveling on a business trip. I was home from work, sick, caring for the baby. Friends spontaneously drove down from nearly 1-1/2 hours north of us to rescue me. When they arrived, I was sitting on the floor with the baby in my lap, projectile vomiting across him, trying hard to miss hitting him. Our friends kept the little guy for several days, a gesture which I never shall forget. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 I'm assuming we are talking about helping adult dc who have been successfully launched. That's lovely when it's possible. More and more grandparents are working and need to work when grandchildren start coming along. I think people who have parents in a financial position to help in this manner are very lucky. Neither my mother nor my MIL were "baby" people. They did occassional babysitting. They did not request to be childcare providers and no way would I have asked. Now the dc are older my MIL enjoys doing one on one activities, sharing her favorite interests. She has a good relationship with them. I plan to help my dc however I can, but I do not foresee acting as a nanny. I truly do not think I could afford to do that in the last few years before I may not be able to work at all. If a child lived close and worked opposite shifts from me, I'd pitch in. If it seemed appropriate, I'd make space in my home for an adult child and his/her family to live temporarily while the child and spouse worked to improve their future employment prospects through training and education. I gave up my own financial future to help my dc get a good start. I didn't realize I was doing that at the time. dh's career situation changed, my ability to get a job with my previous salary changed. Having a child with a disability altered life in general. It is what it is and the result is the kind of hands on help that comes with financial flexibility may not be something I can provide. I wish I could I do think families should help where they can. It is what family is about to me. Unfortunately, many people attach strings to help rather than just love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 I'd do that too. My mother in law wouldn't have. It's a point of laughter (cause you gotta laugh or spaz, iykwim) about the time my dh was in South America on business and I desperately needed a sitter. Ugh. Everyone was working or busy or whatever, do I called my mother in law. She told me to just dump them at a drop in center, or call someone put of the paper or did I know I could leave them at Salvation Army for up to 3 hours before authorities would be called? I was just W T Beep Who just leaves their babies and under 6 years old kids at the curb with strangers?! I wasn't that desperate. The judge would just have to put a warrant out on me. (Wide right turn ticket. *eyeroll*) I called dh in South America and said basically what I wrote above. He said that's exactly what she used to do with him. She'd safety pin his name and emergency info to his shirt and drop him off at the curb. He said she kept a list of every place in town that had free or cheap Mother day out programs or "day camps" and she'd just dump him at whatever one she needed to use while at work. When he was old enough, she signed him up for every extracurricular she could bc it was free before and after school time :o Granted I know things were differently viewed in the early/mid 70s, but they weren't THAT different. Thankfully dh survived but wowza. Now whenever the kids are annoying us or we want a date and can't, we joke, "well we could always leave them at the Salvation Army!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 My mother is currently watching my kids during the day while I work. I wouldn't be able to continue homeschooling without her help, especially these first few months where we are still getting caught up on bills. When my youngest was a baby, my mother was still working full time but she would babysit when we needed someone. When I divorced I moved in with her and my step-father, and they got my oldest off the bus, watched her afterschool, and took her to dance so I could continue working/going to school. I plan to help out my children as much as I can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 I don't have grandchildren yet, but I would certainly help my children in any way I could. My dd and her dh lived with us for about 8 months while they got on their feet after a move. It worked out really well, although I'm also pretty happy that they are now in their own home!! Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 I can't wait to be that kind of gramma, I hope to live close enough to my kids to go and help in the first couple weeks after their babies are born to help with cooking and cleaning and watching older kids so the momma can focus on the baby and resting. And then I hope to provide childcare for them as needed. I won't babysit so they can go party it up and such, but to work, or to have a date night, orto go out with friends for an evening etc absolutely. I might make a ton of mistakes as a parent and will never win parent of the year, but I am sure I will be in the running for gramma of the year when the time comes :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 I hope to be in a position to do something like that when I have grandchildren. My mom was very helpful with babies, coming over every day for the week after dh went to back to work, bringing meals (I had a freezer full of meals I had made ahead of time with my first, but I couldn't tolerate onions during that early postpartum period, so she would cook a meal for me and take one of mine home for her and my dad.) She would meet me at the library once a week and take my youngest to story time so I could have 1-on-1 time for homeschooling my older kids. My FIL came over once a week to help homeschool the boys so I could go to Bible study. This continued for about 8 years. I miss having him here. My niece just had a baby and I would love to be able to help her out like that, but I know she will never take me up on that. Since I live close to her, I offered to take the baby for an hour here and there just so she could go to the store or get her hair done, but she hasn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 I bought a spinning wheel from a guy in The Woodlands who is an adolescent psychologist. He was really impressed by my 17 year old and wanted to talk about his plans and future. He said that he always told his kids that at 18, they have to hit the door and start college away from home. I just smiled and nodded my head. In the car, on the way home, I told my son, that I, personally, do not feel that way. He has been at the community college part time since he was 15. He also works full time. If he wants more time to do those things before moving out, that is fine with me. Then I got all sappy and started telling him that as long as I'm alive, I'll take care of him, and he will always have a place to live, and he never needs to live under a bridge.....unless he started doing drugs, or if he stole from me. He laughed and said, "My wanting to live at home forever should be the least of your worries." So he has a heathy desire to grow up and move on, but he will never have to feel like he doesn't have the option to come back home. I have almost 12 years of curriculum saved in case I need it for homeschooling my grandchildren. I can't think of a happier "retirement". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted September 12, 2013 Author Share Posted September 12, 2013 My niece just had a baby and I would love to be able to help her out like that, but I know she will never take me up on that. Since I live close to her, I offered to take the baby for an hour here and there just so she could go to the store or get her hair done, but she hasn't. Gentle suggestion? You might offer to help with housekeeping, laundry, meals or something *in* the house while she naps or while SHE cares for the baby. When I had my first, that was the kind of help I wanted. Everyone seemed to want to watch/take my baby, and I just wanted time to be with him. I didn't believe in maternal/infant separation at the time. Another option is to go with her to get her hair done (or store) and be there if the baby gets fussy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 I have told my daughter that when she has children that I would love to be their nanny so she can go to work. Watch how you say that. My MIL told me when I was pregnant with my first child that she would watch my child for me so that I could work. My response was that I would raise my own child, thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 Our first grandchild is due the first week of October. Son is in school and works full-time (or would work full-time if his company were not rapidly going under); d-i-l is in school. Her parents live in the area, but too far away to help on a "regular" schedule. My family will help out to whatever extent is requested by my son and his dear wife. We are figuring out where to place a crib in our house for whatever times the baby will stay with us. Anybody who knows me IRL, knows how my house currently is "arranged" physically (and why), as well as knows what our responsibilities are (regarding my parents, our children, DH's job, homeschooling, long-term health issues, and so forth) -- and therefore currently is torn between ROFL and praying for our collective sanity. This is how we live the bottom-line joy that is "Family". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 We have Sophia Grace with us everyday, and it's so much fun. She's 14 months and a ball of energy. DS and I take turns through out the day taking care of her. Her mom works Wed-Sunday. Our other three are in SC and we see them daily thanks to Facetime and we also have Nana camp. Being a Nana and Papa has been so much fun! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stratford Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 I'm extremely fortunate to have my parents nearby and they are a wonderful help to our family. I work part-time (weekends) and she watches the kids every Friday afternoon for the few hours that DH and I have overlapping schedules. My mom worked FT while I was growing up and she's told me that spending time with her grandkids is like getting a re-do at being a SAHM - she has helped with schooling and activities for the kids at various times, not always because I need help, but because she (and my dad) enjoy being involved. My parents love it, the kids love it, and I'm so thankful for the good relationship they have. Total win-win. I have plans to be the neatest grandma ever...I have a great role model. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkyandtheBrains. Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 Gentle suggestion? You might offer to help with housekeeping, laundry, meals or something *in* the house while she naps or while SHE cares for the baby. When I had my first, that was the kind of help I wanted. Everyone seemed to want to watch/take my baby, and I just wanted time to be with him. I didn't believe in maternal/infant separation at the time. Another option is to go with her to get her hair done (or store) and be there if the baby gets fussy. I really needed/wanted this. Especially with my first. I hope to be able to help my son's families as much as possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 I think it'd be even nicer to offer to work so my dd could stay home with her baby. :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momof3littles Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 My MIL has provided childcare to BIL and SIL for 3.5 years now. She is almost 70, starting to have increasing health and mobility issues, and at one point told BIL and SIL she couldn't handle caring for a 2nd child. THey of course added a second child to their family anyway, then sort of said, "Oh, but you can handle it, right?" MIL now feels like BIL and SIL can't afford 2 kids in daycare, but is physically being worn down by caring for them. She has told us that she absolutely cannot handle them having a third, and just recently BIL and SIL revealed that they wanted to keep the cloth diapers we loaned them for when they have a third (eeek!). Clearly both parties had better start communicating, and quickly. However, in the past, MIL's communication efforts were ignored anyway. She does not advocate well for herself, made worse now as she was recently widowed. FIL somewhat played that role for her in the past, but only minimally. For her to have said anything about them having #2 was a huge step for her, but she was steamrolled more or less :( My neighbors next door care for their grandkids. The husband is in his late 50s but in poor health with back issues that caused him to go out on disability. He is caring for 3 kids under 3 1-2 days a week without his wife, and then she's there to help the other days. Both have repeatedly told us how worn down they are, but that their kids basically can't afford daycare under current circumstances. I would love to be able to help my kids in some way as they get older, but I don't think at this point in time I want them to rely on me for FT childcare. I've seen my MIL defer her own health concerns because she's always caring for everyone else. Her own 90 year old mother is currently living with her, and she recently lost her husband. She needs ankle surgery but it is a 5 wk recovery, and BIL and SIL refuse to put into place any backup plan. They get annoyed when we ask her to take vacation with us. Clearly in our family, a large part of it is that MIL has a tough time being direct at all, so instead is quietly suffering and perhaps getting a bit resentful. Yet she won't say anything. BIL and SIL are not in tune with making sure she's okay, which is a huge issue, IMO. My husband and I see it, as does my other sister in law. It is difficult to watch. They also have no long term plan in place and likely can't afford full time childcare for 2 (or 3!), yet MIL's health can fail at anytime. And who knows what will happen as MIL's 90 year old mother needs more care. Her mom is currently in pretty good condition with decent mobility for a 90 year old, but obviously that can only continue so long. Something will have to give before long. I think it is wonderful when it truly works for both parties. In my social circle I've seen several instances where the grandparents agreed to it, circumstances changed, and then they felt kind of trapped, TBH. More kids,health issues, loss of a spouse, need to pick up a paying job, etc. can change, and hopefully both parties can be open and honest about their needs and what is realistic. In the case of my neighbors, they feel trapped as their kids purchased their homes based on not having to pay for childcare. If they had to shell out for daycare, they literally would not be able to afford their current homes. It is really complicated, IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 My mother lived with us for several years when DS17 was little. He was sick and needy and I had to work to keep us ahead of some emergency bills that came up. Later on, when she was diagnosed with cancer, I was able to work from home and care for her. She has since passed away, but it was a very good time in our lives for all of us. Especially DS17 who needed some special handling at that point in his life. I certainly don't plan on moving in with any of my kids, but I do work from home. If they were close by and needed child care, I wouldn't have an issue incorporating a little one or two into my day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 Gentle suggestion? You might offer to help with housekeeping, laundry, meals or something *in* the house while she naps or while SHE cares for the baby. When I had my first, that was the kind of help I wanted. Everyone seemed to want to watch/take my baby, and I just wanted time to be with him. I didn't believe in maternal/infant separation at the time. Another option is to go with her to get her hair done (or store) and be there if the baby gets fussy. Oh, I have suggested all of that - I even offered to teach her a private natural childbirth class that she wanted to take but didn't have the $$ (I used to be certified in that method, but had moved on.) but she never took me up on that. In the 5 years she has lived near me, I have never been invited to her house nor has she come to the dozens of family things I have invited her to here. of all of our family, I live the closest to her, but this is a symptom of a wider problem with my family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 Well of course there is a difference of helping and being taken advantage of. Joanne mentioned someone helping out one day a week. For most able bodied old folks, one day is not going to shave years off their life and run them down. I wouldn't want to do full time care of multiple grandchildren either and I wouldn't unless their situation was dire and temporary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momof3littles Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 Well of course there is a difference of helping and being taken advantage of. Joanne mentioned someone helping out one day a week. For most able bodied old folks, one day is not going to shave years off their life and run them down. I wouldn't want to do full time care of multiple grandchildren either and I wouldn't unless their situation was dire and temporary. Oh, I agree. Perhaps it is just a hot topic for me right now. I am literally surrounded by people being affected by this situation: MIL, neighbors, parents' friends (several). In some cases the grandparent was agreeable to the scenario initially, but then more days get added to the schedule, or their health declines, or life changes, and suddenly they feel they can't back away or reduce their hours. I know of several scenarios were people purchased their home under the assumption they'd be receiving no-cost childcare, and then grandparents feel like they have to continue to babysit even as circumstances change, because they feel their kids don't have an alternative. In one case, my friend basically called her mom while she was pregnant and said you have to move back to the area, I just can't put the baby in daycare. Retired grandmother moved back and cared for the child for 2 years, and then moved (far) out of state again. I think based on my observations and some discussion with her, she was burned out and felt it was her only way "out" so to speak, otherwise she'd be providing childcare for years and years (friend was then pg with baby #2, etc.). I've just become very tuned into it in my larger circle after seeing things with MIL and my neighbors up close. In some cases they are being taken advantage of, and in others I think there's just a sort of creep that happens (more and more days requested, more children, grandparent situation changes and children are not proactively checking with their parent to see if the arrangement is still working well.) It seems like people just get trapped in the daily grind and kind of stop communicating, based on my experience. Sorry to be a downer. Maybe I should just delete my post as perhaps it doesn't fit well in this thread. I unfortunately have just seen too many cases lately where the grandparents have been taken advantage of and don't feel there is a good way out. eta: obviously this all gets to the fact that it is tough to swing decent childcare for many 2 income families. So many families need or want the 2nd income, yet if paying OOP for childcare, can barely put any money in their pockets. I look at the people in my life affected by these scnarios and feel for all sides. It has just made me really think about the importance of clear communication, and what I've witnessed is that either the grandparent doesn't feel like they can be totally honest about their feelings, or the children do a poor job of really checking in with their parent in a meaningful way to make sure the arrangement is still working. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 I bought a spinning wheel from a guy in The Woodlands who is an adolescent psychologist. He was really impressed by my 17 year old and wanted to talk about his plans and future. He said that he always told his kids that at 18, they have to hit the door and start college away from home. I just smiled and nodded my head. In the car, on the way home, I told my son, that I, personally, do not feel that way. He has been at the community college part time since he was 15. He also works full time. If he wants more time to do those things before moving out, that is fine with me. Then I got all sappy and started telling him that as long as I'm alive, I'll take care of him, and he will always have a place to live, and he never needs to live under a bridge.....unless he started doing drugs, or if he stole from me. He laughed and said, "My wanting to live at home forever should be the least of your worries." So he has a heathy desire to grow up and move on, but he will never have to feel like he doesn't have the option to come back home. I have almost 12 years of curriculum saved in case I need it for homeschooling my grandchildren. I can't think of a happier "retirement". That's the conversations in our house. I'm totally planning on helping them when they start out, come live with us if they have to , all of it. And I'm SO not getting rid of curric for that same reason. I buy them all copies of our favorite books so they can have them for their own libraries. My mom didn't help at all when I was pregnant. She was all, "You have to do this all yourself." As in most of my life, if my mom did it, I do the opposite. We are the soft place to land, we will help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 Older ds wants me to nanny his children if necessary, help me retire early, and we don't think twice about loaning each other money or borrowing each other's cars. My daughters have moved on, both geographically and emotionally. I'm getting to the point where I can say "you don't owe me anything" but the process is so incredibly painful that it seems cruel not to warn y'all, even though you probably won't believe me any more than I believed the people who tried to warn me. Please don't delete your post, Momof3littles. Raising kids isn't like following the directions in a cookbook. We do our best, but we only have so much control over how they turn out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 My Mom helps me all the time. I have never used her or my MIL as free daycare, but both have been generous with their time. I honestly would be in a bind sometimes without my mothers's help. Right now, my Mom often drives my kids places so that I can help my MIL, who has some health problems. I doubt I would have the energy to be daycare everyday, but I hope I can be 'Plan A' when my kids need me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 My parents were at different times a big help with our older son. It wasn't a one way thing though as we covered/cover a lot of their expenses etc. Nor was it ever a FT thing. More like 1-3 days a week most of the time. I appreciated this A LOT. Now that my dad is 70 though, it is impractical for him to watch more than 1 potty trained child solo and not for more than a few hours. It wouldn't be fair to my dad or my sons. I too see many middle class couples putting all or most daytime care on their frail parents so that they can have a double income without the child care costs. That seems inconsiderate to me. There are also a lot of grandparent guardians where the parents are unable to parent. That's even rougher than ft babysitting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 I don't think you need to delete anything. I think most would agree with you, including me. I would suggest you mention to your mom how awful it would be if she had a heart attack or something while babysitting babies who can't call for help or anything. :o I had to tell my dad that. He has an aortic valve waiting to burst and has decided to forgo the replacement surgery. (He is old and the recovery would likely be half of any extra time it would buy him.) So no, I'm not leaving him in charge of my little people. Good grief he has to have a nap after putting his boots on, then walk to the truck, doze a bit there, then back out the driveway to check the mailbox. Then he comes back up and falls asleep reading his mail. I've told him multiple times I'm not sure how we will work it out, but I'm certain we can have him here anytime for as long as needed. But no, he wants to stay where he is. Fine, but no, I'm not sending my kids to stay there. Really. Talk to her. It has nothing to do with how healthy or not she is "for her age". She is still her age. It's make me very nervous to leave a person over 70 caring for three little kids. Even in very good health, they can be so fragile once they reach a certain age, yk? It'd be just horrible if she fell while holding a little baby or something. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 Sorry to be a downer. Maybe I should just delete my post as perhaps it doesn't fit well in this thread. I unfortunately have just seen too many cases lately where the grandparents have been taken advantage of and don't feel there is a good way out. I would not delete your post(s). Joanne started a joyful thread with information that we are enjoying. It is not unusual around here, however, for someone to read a post (or several) within a thread, and be reminded of how the original topic sometime plays out in vastly differing ways. That's real life. I don't (imo) think you should worry about what you have shared just because it depicts unhappy and/or unfair situations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 My parents lived cross-country from us when my children were babies/young. We were on our own, but were blessed by wonderfully loving and helpful local friends who helped when we really needed it. One time, when our eldest was but a few months old, DH was traveling on a business trip. I was home from work, sick, caring for the baby. Friends spontaneously drove down from nearly 1-1/2 hours north of us to rescue me. When they arrived, I was sitting on the floor with the baby in my lap, projectile vomiting across him, trying hard to miss hitting him. Our friends kept the little guy for several days, a gesture which I never shall forget. I didn't want to "like" your post, but I wanted to say what a great set of friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momof3littles Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 I don't think you need to delete anything. I think most would agree with you, including me. I would suggest you mention to your mom how awful it would be if she had a heart attack or something while babysitting babies who can't call for help or anything. :o I had to tell my dad that. He has an aortic valve waiting to burst and has decided to forgo the replacement surgery. (He is old and the recovery would likely be half of any extra time it would buy him.) So no, I'm not leaving him in charge of my little people. Good grief he has to have a nap after putting his boots on, then walk to the truck, doze a bit there, then back out the driveway to check the mailbox. Then he comes back up and falls asleep reading his mail. I've told him multiple times I'm not sure how we will work it out, but I'm certain we can have him here anytime for as long as needed. But no, he wants to stay where he is. Fine, but no, I'm not sending my kids to stay there. Really. Talk to her. It has nothing to do with how healthy or not she is "for her age". She is still her age. It's make me very nervous to leave a person over 70 caring for three little kids. Even in very good health, they can be so fragile once they reach a certain age, yk? It'd be just horrible if she fell while holding a little baby or something. :( We've talked to her. She just truly feels BIL and SIL have "no choice" although I will say they've made plenty of choices that involve spending tens of thousands of dollars on things that aren't necessary. That sounds awful and judgmental, but I can't help but feel that way while watching MIL suffer. Their family does not do direct well at all, and this has been a longstanding dynamic with BIL and MIL. She will insist they have no other options, yet time and time again they prove that they do have options, but just make choices that don't take MIL into account. She also has severe osteoporosis (does injectable Boniva quarterly to try to manage it, along with megadoses of D), and is there lifting kids all day, which is one of the worst things possible for spinal fractures :( FIL died suddenly this spring with absolutely no warning. He didn't even have time to use the cell that was in his pocket. No one expected it, as he always seemed the healthier of the two parents. It has made me scared for the kids as well, because they are very rural, few neighbors, long way from a hospital, etc. And MIL has multiple health conditions. Yet they are probably going to proceed with #3 and expect her to be on the hook to help, while they buy solar panels to the tune of 30K for their house while crying they don't have $$ for daycare :( . My apologies for the misplaced rants in the thread. I just happen to be surrounded by situations where the grandparent's needs aren't being looked after adequately. So many of the grandparents providing childcare that we know are overwhelmed yet feel they don't have a real choice. Sorry for my misplaced venting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 :crying: My mom told me that I was just going to have to figure it out myself. She didn't have help from her mom so she wasn't going to help me either. And she wonders why we don't have a relationship anymore. Needless to say, things will be different when I'm a grandparent. yup, my experience too. My mom made it clear she was not interested in being a "babysitter". My mom saw it as some form of enabling... seriously. She never really helped out a lot, and was always rather distant... not doing much with her grandkids unless it suited her time table. My dd and her husband just had their first. I babysit 3x a week. She's still in grad. school and neither of them make enough to have decent day care. Dgs's other grandma does it 2x a week (for now - she has a bad back). I love that I am part of my grandson's life, and I am growing closer to my daughter in the process (she's always been a bit of a loner). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 We've talked to her. She just truly feels BIL and SIL have "no choice" although I will say they've made plenty of choices that involve spending tens of thousands of dollars on things that aren't necessary. That sounds awful and judgmental, but I can't help but feel that way while watching MIL suffer. Their family does not do direct well at all, and this has been a longstanding dynamic with BIL and MIL. She will insist they have no other options, yet time and time again they prove that they do have options, but just make choices that don't take MIL into account. She also has severe osteoporosis (does injectable Boniva quarterly to try to manage it, along with megadoses of D), and is there lifting kids all day, which is one of the worst things possible for spinal fractures :( FIL died suddenly this spring with absolutely no warning. He didn't even have time to use the cell that was in his pocket. No one expected it, as he always seemed the healthier of the two parents. It has made me scared for the kids as well, because they are very rural, few neighbors, long way from a hospital, etc. And MIL has multiple health conditions. Yet they are probably going to proceed with #3 and expect her to be on the hook to help, while they buy solar panels to the tune of 30K for their house while crying they don't have $$ for daycare :( . My apologies for the misplaced rants in the thread. I just happen to be surrounded by situations where the grandparent's needs aren't being looked after adequately. So many of the grandparents providing childcare that we know are overwhelmed yet feel they don't have a real choice. Sorry for my misplaced venting. I've seen this scenario in my own circle of friends and family. Just like the thread about helping young adults out by letting them live at home, there is two sides to the story. While it's great to offer temporary help when your young adults are investing in their future, I don't think it's a good idea to create a dependence on your help. Clearly, your BIL and SIL have taken on a standard of living that is based on them getting free daycare. In my own circle, I've heard a MIL telling her DD and SIL that she can't handle more than one toddler and then being called "selfish" by them and extended family members (the ones that have had their dc is daycare since 6 weeks!). DD and SIL went on to get pregnant with #2 anyway. The DD and SIL have no idea how taxing it is to take care of two toddlers -- they only have experience on weekends! The MIL feels trapped. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 I can see how the "keeping the grand kids" could go awry in some families. I understand that people want time for themselves after raising their own children. That isn't wrong. It is great that they know what they want and are expressing it clearly. In my family, we just help each other. I had 2 children in my 40s and my teenaged daughters take a very active role in taking care of them. I don't expect them to raise their sisters, but we are a family, and when something needs to be done, they just do it because that is their value system. That is our family culture. It would be HIGHLY hypocritical for me to decide I didn't want to help them out when they need it. I realize that spouses will introduce new priorities, but I just pray about that part. The world can be a cold place. I want my kids and grand kids to know that I have a warm bed and a hot meal for them no matter what. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.