Best advice for newly weds/those about to be married

[Berta]

You are not marrying just your husband, but his family as well. Don't let anyone tell you any different. Inlaws are a package deal and they can have a BIG influence on your marriage. I was married for 16 yrs my first marriage, and nine years next month to my 2nd and final husband. I am 2-0 when it comes to good inlaws. My husband however, has struck gold with his inlaws :)

[Caroline]

Take the time to listen.

[Laura Corin]

Married 21 years.

 

Pay attention to your spouse and enjoy the way that he or she changes over time.

 

L

[petepie2]

Some financial advice: Even if both of you work, try to live off of one income. When you have children, finances won't be a problem if you want one of you to stay home with the kids.

[Amber in SJ]

My grandma always says "Choose your love; then love your choice."

 

My mom says "You can't change your spouse, you can only change how you react."

 

I would say, "don't expect things to stay the same."

 

In a class I have taught I tell newlyweds to imagine the two of you standing on either side of a well. The water in the well is your relationship. Sometimes the water level will be high; sometimes it will be low. Sometimes you will both be pouring water into the well so fast that it will overflow. Sometimes you will be dripping water into the well with an eyedropper. Add water to the well every day. A tiny drop or a gallon bucket. When you look at the water in the well you can't tell what water you added and what water your partner added. It doesn't matter. What matters is that the water is there.

 

Amber in SJ

 

I have been married 23 years (dated 4 years before that)

[Catherine]

We've been married 20 years. I think communication is the #1 important skill that people can learn in order to nurture a healthy marriage. It can be learned, but it takes practice. For women in particular, it's important to learn to say what you mean, and say what you need, in bed and elsewhere. For both parties, it's important to respect your partner. Many problems can be averted if men respect their wives (guys-this means don't leave things around waiting for the maid to take care of them), and women respect their husbands (ladies, this means he is allowed to unwind before being ambushed at the end of the day). There's nothing like being treated like your time and effort are worth nothing to kill affection and attraction.

[StephanieZ]

1) Be each other's greatest advocate.

 

Recently business associate of my husband's had dealt with me a bunch on a very stressful business issue (I am sort of dh's business manager), and the associate told him, "You are lucky your wife is so devoted to you. If my wife had been such a passionate advocate for me, maybe we'd still be married."

 

I am sort of "that way" anyway, but I think there is a lot of truth in that my passionate advocacy for and loyalty to dh certainly cements our marriage. No matter what disagreements we might have between ourselves, we are behind each other 100% no matter what. We have each other's backs. It means SO MUCH.

 

2) Treat each other gently and with kindness.

 

The world is harsh. Life is difficult. Being each other's protectors and refuges is an incredible blessing and cements the marriage.

 

It is not complicated IME. If you each treat your spouse with affection, admiration, kindness, and gentleness, then 95% of the negatives that infect most marriages will not infect yours. Avoiding unkindness and choosing gentleness makes things sooooo much easier.

 

(Married 18 years.)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Cultivate a sense of humor and don't take yourself too seriously. Honestly, dh and I almost didn't make it past our first year because we were so darn serious about everything. Then we took the advice of an old married couple and started to laugh. This month is our 20th wedding anniversary.

[Violet Crown]

The world will tell you that fighting is healthy, that argument and conflict are inevitable, and that venting is necessary. None of this is true.

 

Married 20 years.

[Melissa in Australia]

We've been married 20 years. I think communication is the #1 important skill that people can learn in order to nurture a healthy marriage. It can be learned, but it takes practice. For women in particular, it's important to learn to say what you mean, and say what you need, in bed and elsewhere. For both parties, it's important to respect your partner. Many problems can be averted if men respect their wives (guys-this means don't leave things around waiting for the maid to take care of them), and women respect their husbands (ladies, this means he is allowed to unwind before being ambushed at the end of the day). There's nothing like being treated like your time and effort are worth nothing to kill affection and attraction.

OH! was I meant to pick up all those little piles everywhere :blink: Maybe that is why we have got on so well. I always think the little piles left everywhere must be there for a reason and leave them there. though I have been known to amalgamate them occasionally :p

[Mrs Mungo]

and women respect their husbands (ladies, this means he is allowed to unwind before being ambushed at the end of the day).

 

I think this is a *little bit* an ages/stages/life circumstances thing. At this point, I wait with dh while he changes and we chat about our days.

 

However, when I had an extremely demanding new baby, a super busy toddler, had just moved to Germany and had zero outside support? Sorry, there were times he was ambushed when he walked in to hold the demanding baby while I went to the bathroom alone. It is the only way we all made it through alive and with our family intact. If he had not been willing, then I might have moved home. I could not have handled any less help than I got.

 

By the same token, I have driven an hour, dropped him off somewhere, had the kids get carsick, get home and he is calling because he forgot something and I had to do it all again.

 

Sometimes life is rough and you give more than you think you should have to.

[Melissa in Australia]

reported

[Word Nerd]

Communicate your needs and wants. Extend grace and be kind to each other, even when you don't feel like it. Apologize when you have done something wrong. Don't treat your spouse like a child, but do laugh, play, be silly, and have fun together. (Married 13 years.)

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

Love is not a feeling, it is an action. Work at it every day to keep it.

[SailorMom]

Sorry if I repeat anything here (I read through, but miss things often!). There have been a lot of great suggestions so far, so I won't repeat those...

1) Marriage is not a competition. You are a team. If you try to keep score (who does more housework/who does more with the baby, etc.), you are missing the point. Things will never be even.

2) Read the Velveteen Rabbit. To paraphrase the Skin Horse: Love is not easy. It is hard, your eyes will pop out and you'll lose your fur, and no one but the one you love will see your beauty - but that's the best part right there.

3) No one gets out alive ;) That's sort of our unspoken rule. We're in it together to the end.

4) Don't say the 'D' word. Ever. Period. Dot.

5) Sex is important. Make time for it, and practice a lot ;)

6) If you try to do everything you can to make him happy, and he tries to do everything he can to make you happy, you'll both be happy.

[KarenNC]

Say thank you ---for the little things and for the big things.

Say thank you for sex---it's a gift you give each other (sometimes it's a little event, sometimes a big event, sometimes it's more about one person than the other, and that's all okay :001_smile: ---it's still a gift).

Make sure you touch affectionately even when you aren't planning for it to end in sex. It helps you feel connected and appreciated.

[elfgivas]

My grandma always says "Choose your love; then love your choice."

 

My mom says "You can't change your spouse, you can only change how you react."

 

I would say, "don't expect things to stay the same."

 

In a class I have taught I tell newlyweds to imagine the two of you standing on either side of a well. The water in the well is your relationship. Sometimes the water level will be high; sometimes it will be low. Sometimes you will both be pouring water into the well so fast that it will overflow. Sometimes you will be dripping water into the well with an eyedropper. Add water to the well every day. A tiny drop or a gallon bucket. When you look at the water in the well you can't tell what water you added and what water your partner added. It doesn't matter. What matters is that the water is there.

 

Amber in SJ

 

I have been married 23 years (dated 4 years before that)

 

 

wow amber, i love this!!! may i share it?

ann

[elfgivas]

every morning, i wake up and splash water on my face and remember that i am baptized, and that i will try each moment to behave in a way that others would know that.

 

love is not a feeling, it is an action.... so each morning i wake up and kiss my husband and remember that i love him, and that i will try each moment to behave in a way that he and others would know that.

 

for Those Days when it is not as easy as other days, habits i've chosen over the years help a lot. cultivate good habits. eg. i greet him with a hug and a kiss at the door when he comes home. every day. now he does that for me when i arrive home, too. we kiss each other goodbye when we leave the house, too.... it sounds so simple, but it can be the glue when you need it most.

 

and attributing positive motives to my dh has made the world of difference. even when things happen that seem unbelievable, if i think, "he loves me and wants what is best and most life-giving for us", it changes everything. a fun example: just after we married, i came home and discovered a rattle snake in a terrarium on the kitchen counter. what???!!! i thought in disbelief. so i went with the old standby, simply stating what i saw. "oh, you found a rattle snake"... to which he replied, yes, i brought it home because i thought it would help you learn to identify them instantly and not confuse them with gopher snakes (which are harmless). i'd hate for you to get bitten because you didn't know." in a million years, that was not my first thought when i found a rattle snake on my kitchen counter. but it turned out that it was his way of loving me.

 

hth,

ann

[Jean in Newcastle]

S*x isn't like the movies. It takes time to explore what you each want and how you respond.

[sparrow]

Your spouse cannot read your mind. Tell him/her your thoughts.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

1. HUGE. I absolutely think communication is the most important thing. How many misunderstandings could be avoided by simply saying what you mean?

 

2. Don't take each other for granted. I don't think I've made a meal, or handed my husband a pair of underwear out of the dryer, without him saying, "thank you." Guess what? He modeled it and our kids now do the same thing.

 

3. Touch each other. Sure, sex is great, but we touch each other constantly. Pass each other in the kitchen and sometimes there's a pat on the rear, a touch on the arm, a kiss on the neck ;) . Rest your hand on his/her thigh when you're driving. They're all ways to stay connected.

 

We've been married 19 years and we're still very much in love. Of course our relationship has changed and grown. We are connected at a much deeper level. It has never been more evident than over the past few years, with the illnesses of my parents, and my mom's passing last month.

[Night Elf]

I have a failed marriage under my belt, and that has taught me lots of things about what marriage, for me, should look like. One thing that I have learned is that it's perfectly normal to have disagreements. But in my first marriage, we fought, each digging our heels in the sand and refusing to budge. My DH taught me that drawing lines in the sand wasn't helpful in understanding the other side. I have never had a fight with my DH, but we have had disagreements we've talked out. It truly makes things so much better to know how to communicate with him. We've been married 18 year and I still get butterflies in my stomach when he kisses me.

[Rosyl]

forgive....alot

[Scarlett]

every morning, i wake up and splash water on my face and remember that i am baptized, and that i will try each moment to behave in a way that others would know that.

 

love is not a feeling, it is an action.... so each morning i wake up and kiss my husband and remember that i love him, and that i will try each moment to behave in a way that he and others would know that.

 

for Those Days when it is not as easy as other days, habits i've chosen over the years help a lot. cultivate good habits. eg. i greet him with a hug and a kiss at the door when he comes home. every day. now he does that for me when i arrive home, too. we kiss each other goodbye when we leave the house, too.... it sounds so simple, but it can be the glue when you need it most.

 

and attributing positive motives to my dh has made the world of difference. even when things happen that seem unbelievable, if i think, "he loves me and wants what is best and most life-giving for us", it changes everything. a fun example: just after we married, i came home and discovered a rattle snake in a terrarium on the kitchen counter. what???!!! i thought in disbelief. so i went with the old standby, simply stating what i saw. "oh, you found a rattle snake"... to which he replied, yes, i brought it home because i thought it would help you learn to identify them instantly and not confuse them with gopher snakes (which are harmless). i'd hate for you to get bitten because you didn't know." in a million years, that was not my first thought when i found a rattle snake on my kitchen counter. but it turned out that it was his way of loving me.

 

hth,

ann

 

This so darn sweet it brought tears to my eyes!

[Scarlett]

Well, I was married 26 years the first time.....2 1/2 this marriage. So my thoughts may not be welcome. But I think it is very important to be kind to each other and that includes in your conversations about your spouse.

[KarenNC]

Don't use sex as either a weapon or as a manipulation. (married 18 years)

[lil' maids in a row]

Uh oh, I have only been married 8 years...... but my mom gave me this advice and she has been married nearly 45 soooooooo.......

 

The night before my wedding I slept at my parents house and my mom left a note on my pillow that simply said .... Be Kind To Each Other.

 

Best advice ever.

[Word Nerd]

 

 

 

Guess my marriage is doomed. :)

 

 

A tip: Don't read what married people share has worked for them and think they're saying your marriage is doomed if it isn't true of yours.

[lea1]

 

According to John Gottman this is key. A husband accepting his wife's influence and not expecting to be catered to in the early years of marriage is one of the main indicators of who stays together and who divorces. Gottman has a high degree of accuracy in predicting which couples he has studied will stay together and which will divorce. I've been to 2 of his workshops and he is great. His Bringing Baby Home series with his wife Julie is one of the reasons we weathered the transition to unexpected and young parenthood. I highly recommend all of his books on marriage.

 

 

He definitely has excellent research. His book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work was excellent.

[Guest inoubliable]

Don't take marriage advice. LOL

 

 

For real. No one's marriage is the same as anyone else's.

 

 

Marriage isn't about him making you happy or you making him happy -- it's about the two of you, together, loving and serving God and others.

 

 

Some of us are going strong by making each other happy. :001_rolleyes:

[lllll]

..

[Audrey]

Married 15 years.

 

Best advice: There is no such thing out there as a manual for your marriage. You'll have to write it for yourselves.

[Mommyof4ks]

Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt until you clarify what they really meant by a comment. Chances are what was said and what was meant are different, because they likely did not mean to hurt your feelings. Laugh a lot, and be slow to take offense. Life is a roller coaster, and there might be steep drops that require you two to cling to one another, but know that those times will end and those times are what will make your marriage stronger or tear it apart.

[Heather in Neverland]

One thing we did before marriage was decide on who does what housework chores. It sounds silly but it has made a huge difference. For instance, he does dishes. I do laundry. Always. So there is NEVER the question of whose turn is it to do the laundry? Or the resentment of "I did the dishes the last three times! It's HIS turn now!" Etc.

 

My brother and his wife bicker endlessly over chores. Or worse, seethe inwardly. For us, deciding in advance made all the difference. In 16 years, we have never argued about housework.

[Joyofsixreboot]

Marriage goes in cycles. Some years it's great, others not so much. You have to be agreed that it's worth pulling together through the rough spots. The good will come around again. Oh, married 27 years in October.

[HS Mom in NC]

To engaged and newly married Christian couples:

 

1. Some things are big deals and some things are not-learn the difference as soon as you can. You'll save yourself a lot of embarrassment in the future if you only chose to get upset by things that really matter.

 

 

2. When you say, "commitment" what exactly do you mean? Are you prepared for the possibility that your spouse will abandon the faith (mine did) and every aspect of your marriage will be affected by it: finances, childrearing, lifestyle, emotional/physical intimacy, etc. Are you still going to be committed in the face of this kind of earth shattering disappointment and extremely difficult relationship dynamic without being bitter and resentful? When you say you think marriage is hard work do you really grasp just how hard it could be? Are you willing to do it if it's required of you? If your spouse suffers from mental or physical illness that requires you to carry most of the marriage by yourself for long periods of time, are you willing to do so without bitterness and resentment? (BTDT.) The first 10 years were great with no rough patches and the last 10 years have been very challenging. It's well worth the hard work but keep in mind there are no quick fixes and no guarantees in life.

 

I think way too much of modern American Christian marriage is focused on each other rather than on God and reflecting His nature. How does God respond when we sin or fail in some way? How do I respond when my spouse fails or sins against me in some way? That being said, there are Biblical reasons for divorce but not very many.

[TKDmom]

Have lots of sex! I'm totally serious!

 

 

Along those lines...find out what both of you need to make it enjoyable. We found this site invaluable. http://site.themarriagebed.com/

[FaithManor]

Every marriage is a little different because people are different. There isn't a one size fits all philosophy that guarantees marital success for everyone. So, I don't have advice.

 

What worked for us?

 

We were best friends, inseparable, joined at the hip friends and thoroughly enjoyed each other's company before we let the romance, dating, courting, thing into the mix. 25 years later, there is still no one I'd rather be with than Dh. I do occasionally go out with a girlfriend for some girlie thing to do, sometimes he goes golfing with my brother or hangs with his friend Matt. But, mostly, we just want to be together and we DO things together, friend things together.

 

It makes it pretty easy for me to go through most of our life without a whole lot of angst towards dh.

 

We celebrated our 25th anniversary last week.

 

Faith

[Rivka]

The minister who married us (a Wiccan priestess, by the way, not that we're Wiccan and not that it was a Wiccan ceremony) had a whole routine that she gave us in advance. It was all about those three little words that mean so much in any relationship, and that are vital to marital happiness:

 

You

Were

Right.

 

Fourteen years later, we still grin at each other when we bring it out: "You were right!" It makes us think of her, and of how we felt when we were just about to get married, but it also reminds us to be generous of spirit with each other. When you're both in a hurry to point out when the other person was right, that's a nice marriage to have.

[LMV]

-Maintain respect, connection, and intimacy and the love will continue to grow from there. [This came from my husband's grandmother and it served her and his grandfather well for nearly sixty years. We've always respected each other and did even when our grief had us on different pages but we lost some of our connection and intimacy and we had to work to get that back.]

 

-Take the time to explain and the time to listen and realize that you will need to do both at different times. [This was something my husband offered his own son when he was getting married. I wouldn't have really verbalized this exactly like this but I do think it is useful and I truly believe that our amazing communication skills (along with mutual respect, a strong connection, and intimacy) have gotten us through the roller coasters of the last few years.]

 

-Remember why you love him (or her). Don't be afraid to share this. Trust and care enough to love, comfort and be loved and comforted. [This is my own and hardly profound.]

[Little Nyssa]

1. There's always something that's going to go wrong at the rehearsal dinner or wedding reception and somebody is going to end up in tears. That is normal and don't stress over it.

2. Find out what the flashpoints are for disagreements and find ways to nip them in the bud. For example we always get stressed out when we are packing for a trip. Rushing around, grabbing items, misplacing things, who packed what and where is it... pretty soon you can end up in a heated argument about nothing. In a calm moment, we made a universal packing list with boxes to check off. Now we each have items to pack and check off. Now this may sound like very trivial advice, but I think it's important, because when you get in an irritated state all of a sudden you can find yourself raking things up and hurting each other's feelings. So, if you know yourself and your DH well enough to tell what is difficult for you, and solve it at a separate, calm time, this is actually a very helpful skill.

3. Also, (CC) get one of those Christmas tree stands that is easy to use and very stable. I'm serious. The one that we have is actually called "the marriage saver." I don't know if that's what it's actually called or whether a salesman told my DH that that is what it called. The thing is, at Christmas when you naturally want everything to be perfect, it can get on everybody's nerves if a happy family project turns into an annoying struggle about getting the tree straight=having the perfect holiday=being the perfect family=stress=arguments over nothing.

4. Know what your limits are and what just does not work for you as a couple. For example, we do not make a good team if DH is driving and I am navigating from a map for him. Bad news. We never try that anymore. Thank goodness for GPS, because I don't know where we'd be (LOL) without it!

(I hope these suggestions are not too trivial. I wanted to use real-life examples, because advice like "keep your temper" does not work for me, I need specifics. Though I suppose I should work on keeping my temper too.)

[Freckles]

I think everyone has given great advice so far. Here is my piece of advice:

 

Really know if your fiance wants to stay in the same town/county/state that he/she is from. I thought I was marrying a man from Austin, TX. That is where I wanted to be. It's 16 years later, and I have moved over eleven times including two foreign countries. I still pine away for Texas everyday.

[duckens]

Former marriage: 5 years

Current relationship: 8 years

 

Does that count?

 

1) Differentiate that a wedding is a party; a marriage is work.

 

2) Respect each others' material items. For example, when neighbors would knock on the door asking to borrow the lawn mower, my mother would tell them to come back later and ask my dad. "He doesn't loan out my frying pans, and I don't loan out his tools."

 

3) Ask, "What can I do to help?" This is the best question ever, and works in so many different situations!

 

4) The idea of "Don't let the sun go down on your anger," doesn't always apply. Sometimes, one is more upset than reasonable for the situation simply because one is tired. A good night's sleep can clarify the situation, and it allows for problem solving. There are many sincere apologies given the next morning.

 

5) Learn what is important to your partner, and support them in their goals and hobbies.

 

6) If you are the SAHParent, be grateful for your partner. If Loverboy is motivated to change jobs and drag us cross-country to change jobs :eek: , I would support that. He has been supportive of me doing the job I enjoy and want to do: being a SAHM and homeschooling. I am supportive of his ability to have a job that he enjoys and wants to do.