Should I acknowledge my new step-father on Father's Day?

[HappyLady]

My mom is getting married the day before Father's Day to a man I've met all of 3 times. She's known him a little over a year and they live out-of-town. They're getting married in my hometown and so they'll both be here for Father's Day. I don't plan on acknowledging him as a father to me because I hardly know the man, but the few times he's met my children he's been very nice to them, gave them little gifts, etc. And whenever I talk to my mom he says to say hi to the kids and how much he loves them and such.

 

I was thinking of just having the kids make him a card, but should I? Or do I have to do more?

[Liz CA]

A card seems fine. You cannot really acknowledge him (if I understand this word correctly) as a father because he did not raise you nor is he your biological father.

You can, however, be kind, friendly and appreciative of his seeking to deepen a relationship with your and your family.

[bolt.]

I'd take it as more as a "welcome to the family, you matter to us because you matter to mom" sort of a day. I wouldn't do 'happy father's day' but I would do something of the small-token scale.

[Amy in NH]

He is not a father of yours; he is your mother's husband.

[Plateau Mama]

My mother remarried when I was 30. 10 years later I don't acknowledge him as a father, and he's fine it's that. He' s my moms husband, and grandpa to my kids, but not my father. We acknowledge birthdays. But not Father's Day.

[fairfarmhand]

I've BTDT.

 

I did not acknowledge my new step mom (sounds strange because she married my dad just 1 yr ago, a little over a year after my mom died) the first mother's day that came around. It was too new, too strange.

 

However, this past year, I sent her a "happy Mother's Day to you" card and wrote that I was glad she was now a part of our family and I treasured her. Dad said that she was so tickled she cried.

 

I would not give gifts or cards until a relationship exists. For anyone to expect otherwise, they are being unreasonable. Especially since you've only seen the guy 3 times.

[kiwik]

I'd take it as more as a "welcome to the family, you matter to us because you matter to mom" sort of a day. I wouldn't do 'happy father's day' but I would do something of the small-token scale.

 

That's what I was thinking. A welcome to the family card and maybe a little something to share/do with your mother - chocolate, movie tickets maybe.

[lavender's green]

I figure father's day is about acknowledging a relationship, and neither you nor your kids have a relationship with this man, but in a year you can re-assess.

[*********]

Is he a father?

 

If he happens to be a father I think it is ok to acknowledge the fact he is a father. If he has no children, he isn't a father though. I wouldn't call a woman my dad married my mother ever never never. Not because I'd be bitter at all. (My mother passed away 10 years ago.) I just think I'm too damn old to have a new mother. So unless she was a mother to someone, I wouldn't wish her a happy mother's day because she isn't a mother.

 

 

Aw, Wendy, this is kinda sad to me. I mean, the woman *is* your stepmother by way of being married to your father and not being your biological mother. So even though she's not your mom and doesn't play a mom-like role in your life, she's still your stepmom.

 

Speaking from my personal stepmom experience, both with having one and being one, there is no comparing mom and stepmom. And there shouldn't be. I totally enjoy being a stepmom, and it is quite different than being a mom. But that doesn't stop my stepkids from recognizing me on Mother's Day. I mean, it's not like there's a STEPmother's day, right?

 

OP, I think in your situation, having your kids make your stepdad a card would be a great idea. Perhaps in future years, you'll have had the opportunity to create your own relationship with him, and you'll feel more comfortable giving him a card from *you*. But for now, I think having the kids make him one is perfect.

[Plateau Mama]

 

 

No I would never consider a person in this capacity to be my mother. You don't get a new mother when you are nearly 40. And it would, again, not be anything personal or bitter or anything like that. That does not make a person a mother in this circumstance. I wouldn't even refer to that person as a step mother. I'd call her Amy (making that up). Or my dad's wife.

 

I totally agree with you. My I've known my moms husband for 15 years but I was an adult when he came into the picture. We have a great relationship and he is an awesome granddad to my kids, but he will never be a father figure to me. There's nothing sad about it. Our relationship is great.

[QueenCat]

I think a card would be a nice gesture. Especially if you're hoping he will play a grandfatherly role with your children.

[LaCEmom]

Should you? IDK....

 

Would I? Yes, I'd do something small, probably more of a "Welcome to the family." I really don't understand people who want to get all technical about the holiday. I mean making and sending a card would cost you what $1? And it might make the guy feel more accepted, make him smile, or at least let him know that you thought about him. And it's just nice! Why not be nice? Even if it isn't technically required in the definition of the holiday.

[NotSoObvious]

My parents were each remarried when I was in high school, so it's different, but yes, I'd have your kids send something. I mean, this is who they are going to know as a grandpa, right?

 

Everyone feels differently, but I disagree with the hard and fast he's not your father line. Both of my step parents have been great supports in my life. He may be in your life too. Just because we are adults doesn't mean we can't use more cheerleaders. I always look at Mother's Day and Father's Day as a time to acknowledge their special role in my life.

 

My step mom never had any kids of her own, so to me, it's all the more reason to wish her a Happy Mother's Day. She pours all that motherly love into me, and especially my kids.

 

I don't know. Maybe it's because I never knew my parents married, but the older I get, the more I don't really need the "you aren't my real mom/dad" sentiment in my life. The more the merrier. My kids love all their grandparents.

[KungFuPanda]

I think it's too soon.

[QueenCat]

I'm wondering if a "welcome to our family" kind of note would be more appropriate right now.

[readwithem]

I always think it's a nice gesture when you reach out to another human being.

 

You could send a generic card or a Father's Day card that isn't specifically addressed to "my father"

 

You could just say you are happy your mom is happy, and leave it at that for now....

[elfgivas]

what shows the greatest Love? to him? to your mom? to you?

 

(when in doubt, that's the question i ask).

 

a different version is: what includes and what excludes? from a theological perspective, i think Love includes.

 

maybe breakfast in bed for the two of them, and a sunny "Happy Father's Day" means no cards or gifts (if that feels awkward), but definitely includes rather than excludes.

 

another head/heart game i play is to imagine myself as each of the characters. if you were your mom and had just married someone else, what would you want your daughter to do?

 

or

 

if you had just married into a family and would be with them for mother's day, how would you like your new step-daughter to handle mother's day?

 

grace and mercy....

ann

[OH_Homeschooler]

There are tons of options for Father's Day cards now. Just spend a little time at a card shop and you'll find something that fits (maybe even something that doesn't call him your stepfather, more like a generic "nice guy" Father's Day card), and have the kids decorate that. It will probably mean the world to him.

[teamturner]

I used to give my father in a law a father's day card, but I stopped doing that several years ago. It seems the card companies just print more types of cards and consumers just buy them. We simplified a bit and now just send cards to our own parents. I don't even send them to the grandparents from my kids. I guess my cynical dh, who thinks card companies created all these "holidays" to make money, has rubbed off on me over the years.

 

We show our love and appreciation to our parents/grandparents throughout the year in many other ways. Works for us!

[Plateau Mama]

My parents were each remarried when I was in high school, so it's different, but yes, I'd have your kids send something. I mean, this is who they are going to know as a grandpa, right?

 

Everyone feels differently, but I disagree with the hard and fast he's not your father line. Both of my step parents have been great supports in my life. He may be in your life too. Just because we are adults doesn't mean we can't use more cheerleaders. I always look at Mother's Day and Father's Day as a time to acknowledge their special role in my life.

 

My step mom never had any kids of her own, so to me, it's all the more reason to wish her a Happy Mother's Day. She pours all that motherly love into me, and especially my kids.

 

I don't know. Maybe it's because I never knew my parents married, but the older I get, the more I don't really need the "you aren't my real mom/dad" sentiment in my life. The more the merrier. My kids love all their grandparents.

 

If that works for you great, but the OP shouldn't feel guilty (nor even debating this in her mind), if that doesn't work for her. I think if you lived with your step parents at any time as a child, even if you were almost grown up, that potentially changes the dynamic of the relationship. My mom and her husband started dating shortly before my DH & got engaged. I've never lived with him, he's never supported me in any way. Like I said it doesn't bother him, he would think it odd and feel uncomfortable if I started giving him father's day cards. My dad on the other hand, lost his mom when I was 16. A year later grandpa remarried. A couple years later my dad started sending her flowers on Mother's Day.

[NotSoObvious]

If that works for you great, but the OP shouldn't feel guilty (nor even debating this in her mind), if that doesn't work for her. I think if you lived with your step parents at any time as a child, even if you were almost grown up, that potentially changes the dynamic of the relationship. My mom and her husband started dating shortly before my DH & got engaged. I've never lived with him, he's never supported me in any way. Like I said it doesn't bother him, he would think it odd and feel uncomfortable if I started giving him father's day cards. My dad on the other hand, lost his mom when I was 16. A year later grandpa remarried. A couple years later my dad started sending her flowers on Mother's Day.

 

 

Hmm. Not sure where I said she should feel guilty. We are sharing our experiences and thoughts.

[Mrs Mungo]

My dh's parents divorced when he was 3. He was raised by a step-dad. His mom and step-dad divorced when we were dating and she remarried (stepdad has since passed away).

 

That third husband is the one my kids knew as their grandma's husband and they called him Pop. He did not have kids of his own. We sent him cards. He passed away about 2 years ago.

 

MIL just remarried a couple of months ago. He told the kids (who are 12, 14 and 17) that they could call him Pop, but most of them kept calling him by his first name. We did not send him cards. They have only met him twice. It was too weird and felt too much like he was trying to replace their grandpa. It was not a nice vibe for them.

 

So, that is how we have handled it so far. Maybe they will eventually build a different kind of relationship with him.

[Guest inoubliable]

Hmm. Not sure where I said she should feel guilty. We are sharing our experiences and thoughts.

 

Some people see/feel guilt in the weirdest places. And then get defensive about it in the weirdest ways.

[HS Mom in NC]

I acknowledge my step-dad on Father's Day because he raised me. I do the same for my father because he always saw us as visitation allowed and paid his child support. I call them both "dad." I acknowledged my maternal grandfather on Father's Day because he helped raise me before my mother remarried when I was 3 and continued in an almost parental role while I was growing up. My father-in-law told me very sweetly after my wedding that I could call him, "dad." I said, "Thanks, Ed, that's so nice of you." I don't call him "dad" because that position, as you can see, is plenty full.

 

Your mother's husband has done nothing fatherly for you or your kids-he hasn't had the opportunity. I wouldn't do anything on Father's Day, but a welcome to the family thing would be very nice. If it were me, I might not ever do anything on Father's Day because how could he possibly be father to you or your kids? If it does happen, then great. If not, don't sweat it-not every married man in America has to be celebrated as a father on the second Sunday in June.

[Plateau Mama]

 

 

Hmm. Not sure where I said she should feel guilty. We are sharing our experiences and thoughts.

i didn't say you did. The OP seems to be struggling with what to do here. I was just trying to reassure her that whatever she decides is Ok.

 

My dad is actually my former step dad. He was in my life starting at 6 and filled the father role for me. He and my mom divorced when I was 18 but he's still my dad and I'm his daughter.

[JessReplanted]

My parents both remarried when I was already an adult. I don't consider either of their spouses to be 'step parents' to me.

[deannajo]

I always send my step mother a card - they got married when I was in my late 30s, so not that long ago and she's never been a mother to me. My philosophy is to err on the side of kindness - what could it hurt? At worst, the card will be tossed without a thought immediately upon receipt, but at best, it will touch someone and make someone smile. So why not? I think your instincts of just having the kids make a card is spot on and sweet - it doesn't have to be mushy or sentimental or insinuate a relationship that hasn't developed yet, and may not develop.......and then I'd just add a note welcoming him to the family. I don't think you need to do anything more though.

[lovinmomma]

I guess I must be the odd man out here. On Mother's day/Father's day I acknowledge many mothers/fathers in my life. Not just my mother/father. This year I sent my sister, my mom, and my aunt a happy mother's day card. I didn't see if the OP stated whether or not the new step-dad is a biological father or not? If so, for me, it wouldn't be so much about him being your new step-father as it would just be about recognizing him as a father.

[OneStepAtATime]

My mom is getting married the day before Father's Day to a man I've met all of 3 times. She's known him a little over a year and they live out-of-town. They're getting married in my hometown and so they'll both be here for Father's Day. I don't plan on acknowledging him as a father to me because I hardly know the man, but the few times he's met my children he's been very nice to them, gave them little gifts, etc. And whenever I talk to my mom he says to say hi to the kids and how much he loves them and such.

 

I was thinking of just having the kids make him a card, but should I? Or do I have to do more?

If you are not comfortable sending a Father's Day card to your soon to be new step-father (whether you call him that or not, that is what he will be), then don't and don't feel guilty about it.  :)

 

 But sending a "Welcome to the Family" card, as was previously mentioned, and sent from the kids, sounds great.  Your mother will, theoretically, be married to this man for a very long time.  Helping to make him feel welcome benefits your entire family and is honestly a gracious thing to do.   :)

[Joyofsixreboot]

I usually got my stepmother (married dad when I was 30) a non-mushy card and included how glad I was she came into dad's and my kids' lives, my appreciation of her making my dad happy, something along those lines.

[Amy in NH]

My father remarried a lovely woman when I was ~30.  I don't think I had ever met her before they were married - maybe once.  I like her very much.  She is not my step-mother; she is my father's wife.  IMO, a mother is someone who raises you.  She chooses to have my children call her by her first name instead of a "grandparent" name.  She is kind to them, but we only see her once every year or two.  She has not taken a grandmotherly-roll with them.   We don't acknowledge her on Mother's Day, not out of spite, but just because she is not my mother. 

 

OTOH, My step-father has been in my life since I was 8 years old.  He started living with us when I was 10, and he married my mom when I was 16.  He had a large hand in raising me, so I consider him to be a father to me - in some ways more than my biological father who moved across the country when I was 13.  So, yes, I do acknowledge him as a father on Father's Day.

[trulycrabby]

I wouldn't say a word. If you haven't sent a congratulatory card/letter/message to them yet, then I would do so, but that correspondence wouldn't address or acknowledge Father's Day in any way. If he is a father, then his own children should send him a card.

 

Next year, once you know him, and if you feel like he is a good person who deserves a card, then perhaps send one.

 

My stepfather raised me, and yes, he does get a Father's Day card. My biological dad did not get one from me, ever.

[Mama Geek]

Bean, I was in a similar situation several years ago before I had kids.  I gave him a card that was more of a welcome to the family card.  I was in my 30's and I had only met him a few times and they were getting married close to father's day.  Give a nice gesture but it doesn't have to say dad.

[Joanne]

I, personally, would not. In fact, I think the "loves the grand kids" stuff is too much given the context and history of the relationship.

 

It is my opinion that if a marriage happens when the children of the newlyweds are adult, "step parent" becomes a misnomer. Both of my ex husbands had kids. The first were minors but we saw them so infrequently that "step mom" was inaccurate and insulting to their mom. The seconds' children were all adults and I was appropriately their Dad's wife.

 

So, no. Be cordial and warm but I would not think of him as step dad.

[KrissiK]

I have no experience with step-parents. And I know there are a lot of emotional things that go on when a parent re-marries, even when we as children are adults. So, that said, my first reaction was to just suggest a token gift or generic card in honor of the day. It's never inappropriate to be kind and you do not have to in any way suggest there is a relationship between you and this person, but I think it would be nice for your mother's sake and for the sake of the day.

[MBM]

You could just mention that you appreciate the kindness he's extending toward your children and to welcome him to the family. No need to do a Father's Day card. I also like the idea of having your kids send a handmade thank you note or a little drawing.

 

 

[plansrme]

So since this thead is a year old, I would be interested in knowing what the OP did last Father's Day. In other words, whose advice did she take?

[KrissiK]

So since this thead is a year old, I would be interested in knowing what the OP did last Father's Day. In other words, whose advice did she take?

Why do I never check the date in threads? Although I did think it odd to be asking Father's Day questions in March. Some people do like to plan ahead!

[OneStepAtATime]

I have no idea how I resurrected an old thread.  It just appeared on the chat board and I didn't look at the date of the previous post, I just sent a quick response.  Sorry Bean!  Although I am curious, too.  What advice did you take?   :)