How to respond to a fellow team mom?

[Stayseeliz]

This is our second season on our local swim team and we've really enjoyed it. There is one mom that is driving me a tad crazy though. Her daughter is very fast and has done well at competitions. I'm very happy for her. My kids are older than her so they really won't compete against her ever outside practice and they don't really "compete" in practice. Last week my son was in a lane next to her daughter and her daughter beat my son to the end of the pool. Her daughter started shouting, "I beat (my son's name)! I beat (my son's name)!" The mom told her to quiet down but she was smiling and laughing as she said it. Whatever. Then last night she said while I was sitting right next to her, "Well, I was worried about (her daughter's name) moving up to the next age bracket but she even beat (my son's name)!" Sigh. I did finally say after a few minutes that the coach has told my son that he needs to slow down and pace himself in the pool and work on technique and that he wasn't "racing" at the time. My daughter beat her daughter at a meet last season and my son beat her son at that meet as well. But I haven't taken out an ad in the local paper advertising the fact. It's not a big deal. How do I nip this in the bud without causing tension?

[Lisa R.]

I think you just ignore it. The mom was caught up in her child's perceived success and was insensitive. Addressing it in any way to the mom would look more petty than what she did.

 

 

[Lisa R.]

Also wanted to add that you can't really fix or enlighten self-absorbed people.

[In The Great White North]

This is a bean dip situation.

 

Whatever you say will sound petty and defensive. You won't convince her and she probably won't stop. Don't engage. All you can (and should) do is make sure your kids know gloating isn't acceptable behavior after a race, nor is talking about other swimmers behind their backs.

 

The coach should be talking to the kids about sportsmanship and how they treat teammates.

[mytwomonkeys]

:grouphug: she sounds like a jerk. i would also just ignore her though, as well as avoid her when possible.

[J-rap]

There is nothing you can do. There is always a parent or two like that on every children's athletic team. Just smile and ignore.

[JNW]

It's amazing that people still don't have a clue about sportsmanship in the year 2013. I would give her the blank stare and change the subject. And avoid her. That would annoy me immensely as well.

[plansrme]

You hope she signs her swimmer up for year around swimming instead of just summer league and is humiliated when the mediocre year around swimmers dust her daughter, and the really good year arounders have no idea she even exists. When she takes Miss Phelps to her first meet and sees her in heat 17 of 17, she will get the picture. And if mom or the daughter is not tough enough for year around swimming, you wait until you compete against a team with a lot of year around swimmers and watch them lap her on the 100 IM. Then you smile sweetly and say, "Oh, I hope Sweetums wasn't too embarrassed."

 

I have no patience for that kind of behavior or for parents who think summer league is hard core. But perhaps you have figured that out by now.

[bolt.]

I think anyone on a competative set of teams is comparing their skills with other people. In my opinion anyone would be pleased to do well "against" a superior swimmer during a practice. The crowing is a bit immature, but it was a child doing it.

 

The mom's assessment is also perfectly normal. Imagine it in a team sport setting. "I was concerned about Sonny moving up to the next higher soccer league, but he played with some players on that level this practice, and did quite well. He even scored against a superior goal keeper at that level, so I think he will be fine."

 

I think you took this too personally. A lot of people use other players who are "good" as goals and/or benchmarks of success in sports.

 

Sportsmanship is being pleased when another person succeeds and is doing well in a sport -- even while being pleased that your own child is using his practice time to focus on technique. The child swam a "good game" and should not be overly chastised for being open about her success.

 

The mom should have said "one of the boys in that level" rather than your son's name -- or kept her conclusion to herself... But tact isn't everyone's strong suit.

[QueenCat]

Give her the "you are rude" look and then forget about her.

[Stayseeliz]

I just don't want my kids to hear her saying something like this. They came into swimming later (at 8 and 11) and they work their butts off every night at practice. This kind of thing is unecessary to me. It makes things uncomfortable for everyone. I don't think it's wrong to compare but saying something in front of another parent is rude. I know I should just let it go and I will. I was just wondering if there was a nice way to shut her down. lol

 

She might end up taking her daughter to a year round team instead of just doing winter and summer teams at our local YMCA but the closest year round team is 40 minutes away. I've thought about trying the year round team but it's too much with 5 and 2 year olds in tow. At 7th grade the kids here can swim for the high school which would put them swimming all but 2 1/2 months out of the year between high school, winter and summer teams. That's plenty for me!

[sassenach]

Don't sit next to her. Also, remind your kids that they are teammates- it's a good thing when they have a fast teammate! Also, the only way you would know if your kids beat her at a meet would be to compare times, which means you are feeding into this on some level- stop that. I totally understand the way competition can suck one in, especially when the other kids is a snot, but this child an mom are hanging her worth on he performance and when you let you and your kids get sucked in, you're doing the same.

 

From one swim mom to another- focus on best times, let the rest go.

[Stayseeliz]

I honestly did not compare times. Our kids were in the same heats at a meet over the winter. My kids have no problem with a fast teammate. I just don't want them to overhear someone saying something rude when they work so hard. And her attitude is annoying to me. lol I'll get over it. :)

[Swimtaxi234]

When I sit at swim practice 5 days a week, I try hard to avoid a few swim moms for that same reason.

 

I have been a swim mom for a long time (also a coach and still a deck official), but I don't know my children's stats and this drives 3 of the swim moms crazy. They know my son's times! They quote my son's times and tell me all the time that I should keep up with his times. I think there should be a designated sport for competitive swim moms - like a trivia game - these ladies would be champions.

 

I just have a more relaxed opinion toward competitive swimming.

[Danestress]

Definitely ignore it. Anything you say will make you look defensive and petty. I would just smile and say, "Yes, she is really swimming fast, and what a beautiful stroke she has."

[zoobie]

I would try not to sit next to her and bring earbuds if you have to. They don't even have to be playing anything... ;)

 

Tell your kids to focus on what their coach says and their goal is beating their own best times. I'm surprised the coach hasn't said something to the kid for yelling that in the pool. Usually racing during practice laps is discouraged as it's supposed to be form and strength focused, isn't it?

[Hikin' Mama]

Consider this a lesson for your kids in dealing with rude people. Lead by example.

 

My son runs track and recently had another runner (of a different team) try to prevent him from passing him. When my son passed, the other runner tried to step on son's heals. My son handled it so well. He just stayed focused on his race and was gracious when other runner came over to make a (forced) apology. (This other team has a history of running dirty in track and cross country). In my opinion, there is nothing we can do to change the behavior of this athlete or his coach, although son's coach did talk to other athlete's coach and scorekeeper to make sure this didn't happen in the district meet. And believe me, many of us were watching closely. However, what I thought was most important is that my son handled it gracefully and moved on. And, no, I'm not sure he learned that from watching me :), but I was prouder of him for that fact than that he won the race.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

You hope she signs her swimmer up for year around swimming instead of just summer league and is humiliated when the mediocre year around swimmers dust her daughter, and the really good year arounders have no idea she even exists. When she takes Miss Phelps to her first meet and sees her in heat 17 of 17, she will get the picture. And if mom or the daughter is not tough enough for year around swimming, you wait until you compete against a team with a lot of year around swimmers and watch them lap her on the 100 IM. Then you smile sweetly and say, "Oh, I hope Sweetums wasn't too embarrassed."

I have no patience for that kind of behavior or for parents who think summer league is hard core. But perhaps you have figured that out by now.

 

 

Gee whiz. Hoping for her future failure and for repeated chances to rub a child's nose in her own humiliation and defeat? I thought this thread was about how to respond to a Tiger Mom, not how to be one.

[chicagoshannon]

I would take it as a complement. It was apparently her goal to beat the fastest swimmer which is your son. I would just tell the other girl "good job" and leave it at that. Maybe that small victory was what the girl needed to gain some confidence. I personally think it was kind of mean of you to basically say you only won because ... That's not good sportsmanship.

[sassenach]

I honestly did not compare times. Our kids were in the same heats at a meet over the winter. My kids have no problem with a fast teammate. I just don't want them to overhear someone saying something rude when they work so hard. And her attitude is annoying to me. lol I'll get over it. :)

 

Oh, that's bizarre, do they swim boys and girls/multiple age ranges in the same events? I've never heard of that before. I understood your OP to say that they never directly race each other. Sorry for the assumption.

[jennynd]

I really hate to take my kids to any kind of sports. You always have parents behave like a jerk...

[Stayseeliz]

I would take it as a complement. It was apparently her goal to beat the fastest swimmer which is your son. I would just tell the other girl "good job" and leave it at that. Maybe that small victory was what the girl needed to gain some confidence. I personally think it was kind of mean of you to basically say you only won because ... That's not good sportsmanship.

 

I didn't say "you only won because...". After she said something twice about it last night I did mention that the coach has told my son to slow down at practice and focus on form and strength, not speed. Yeah, it was defensive on my part I guess but her making that statement in front of others burned a bit. I honestly don't think they were "racing". The coach just sent the kids down the lane at the same time. I don't think he heard the yelling by her daughter after she got down to the end of the pool first. He would've said something about that.

 

Sassenach, at the smaller meets the kids who have similar times or no times will swim in a heat together then they break it down by age for the final results. That's the only reason my kids who are older were swimming with her kids. There weren't boys against girls. Just all girls who have no time, etc in the same heat.

[Remudamom]

I'd tell her that her dd was really doing great and she should be very proud.

[violamama]

You could always throw a "well bless your heart" and a sympathy head tilt her way.

[Unicorn.]

Okay, I stopped reading responses. You need to look at it differently. She is younger. She looks up to your dc- as a place/people to set goals by (think Phelps or Franklin kind of idolization).

 

I have a dd on the team that others want to beat. When she hears a younger kid get excited about beating her time from that age group, it makes her smile. She and the other kids in the top group are always trying to best each other, and always get excited when they do win, and they also are happy for their teammates when they do beat them in a friendly competition.

 

Just let the kid be happy. Let the mom be happy-take pride that you have kids that other kids look up to and want to beat. They're saying that your kids are the best, and they want to be like them. So smile, and move on!

[plansrme]

Gee whiz. Hoping for her future failure and for repeated chances to rub a child's nose in her own humiliation and defeat? I thought this thread was about how to respond to a Tiger Mom, not how to be one.

 

Absolutely. The child was rubbing in her "victory." She needs to be brought down a peg. And nothings teaches modesty and work ethic better than realizing you are not the best thing in the water. That is one of the great things about swimming: there is always someone faster than you. Even Michael Phelps in his prime did not always win. My daughter heard Allison Schmitt, from the Olympic team, speak at an event a month or so ago, and she told a story about being the only swimmer on her college team to come in first place and last place in different events in the same meet. Being hot stuff on your YMCA team is not something to be dancing around about--on the next team over, there are 50 girls who are faster than you. There is always someone faster than you. And I hope this chick finds that team--she needs it, as does her mother.

[bettyandbob]

Move away from the stupid woman during practice. In fact, unless you are helping the team manager during practice, leave. Go for a walk or jog so you can take care of yourself while your dc are getting their physical activity. You will do yourself a world of good working off any anxiety you have from your typical day and avoiding the aggravation of this type of parent. (This parent exists on every team, band, dance or theater program everywhere)

 

If your dc are concerned, remind them practice is for technique, not racing. Anyone who spends practice focused on racing is not improving.

[Mommy22alyns]

Bean dip. I would just say that her daughter looked great out there. I'd sort of take it as a compliment - she's saying that your son is really good and it's an accomplishment to beat him. The child was the one crowing about it. The mom should speak to her about that, but it's not the end of the world. I think I'll PM you.

[NCMom]

Move away from the stupid woman during practice. In fact, unless you are helping the team manager during practice, leave. Go for a walk or jog so you can take care of yourself while your dc are getting their physical activity. You will do yourself a world of good working off any anxiety you have from your typical day and avoiding the aggravation of this type of parent. (This parent exists on every team, band, dance or theater program everywhere)

 

If your dc are concerned, remind them practice is for technique, not racing. Anyone who spends practice focused on racing is not improving.

 

 

Truer words have never been spoken. (At least not about swim practice, lol.)

 

My kids have been swimming since 2003 and I've seen more than a few kids removed from meets for displays of poor sportsmanship. And, sadly, PARENTS, too...Sigh.

Georgia

[Farrar]

 

 

Absolutely. The child was rubbing in her "victory." She needs to be brought down a peg. And nothings teaches modesty and work ethic better than realizing you are not the best thing in the water. That is one of the great things about swimming: there is always someone faster than you. Even Michael Phelps in his prime did not always win. My daughter heard Allison Schmitt, from the Olympic team, speak at an event a month or so ago, and she told a story about being the only swimmer on her college team to come in first place and last place in different events in the same meet. Being hot stuff on your YMCA team is not something to be dancing around about--on the next team over, there are 50 girls who are faster than you. There is always someone faster than you. And I hope this chick finds that team--she needs it, as does her mother.

 

Thanks for the reminder of why I grew up loathing physical activity and why I hope my kids never do sports.

[Alice]

Ds has played sports where he’s one of the best and has played sports where he’s one of the worst on the team. He has one friend in particular who likes to compare things like times and strike-outs. This friend also often brags a bit about what he’s working on in school. His parents do the same thing, a little bit of one-up-man-ship.

 

I do get that it bugs you. It bugs me, and sometimes I find that I get sucked into the competition. Friend’s Mom mentions how fabulous he did on x, I mention how fabulous C. did on y.

 

What I’ve really learned though and what I’ve tried to teach C. is to just focus on yourself. Play your best. Do your best. Be honorable. Congratulate your friend when he says he’s doing so-and-so in school. But just don’t worry about what he is doing. It’s actually one of the things I like best about swimming. Any swimmer can work on improvement. You might be last in heat 17 of 17 but you can still beat your own best time. And that’s an accomplishment (all the teams we’ve been on put a big emphasis on personal bests regardless of how you do in the meet).

 

As much as it might irk you to have this other Mom comparing her kid to yours, I’d just ignore it. She might just be clueless. She might just be overly proud and later kicks herself at home for being insensitive. She might be a complete witch. Regardless, let her say what she wants. It’s probably a bigger life lesson to teach your kids to just be proud of what they did and not to worry about what others say than it is to protect them from this kind of thing. It’s going to happen again and it’s good for them to learn to smile and let the other person have their moment of glory but not let it get to them.

[twoxcell]

I wouldn't respond life is too short. ;) Just smile, nod, and move away. I tell my ds his focus should be on improving his own technique and times and not on anyone else. I also encourage good sportsmanship and working as a team.

[bolt.]

Absolutely. The child was rubbing in her "victory." She needs to be brought down a peg. And nothings teaches modesty and work ethic better than realizing you are not the best thing in the water. That is one of the great things about swimming: there is always someone faster than you. Even Michael Phelps in his prime did not always win. My daughter heard Allison Schmitt, from the Olympic team, speak at an event a month or so ago, and she told a story about being the only swimmer on her college team to come in first place and last place in different events in the same meet. Being hot stuff on your YMCA team is not something to be dancing around about--on the next team over, there are 50 girls who are faster than you. There is always someone faster than you. And I hope this chick finds that team--she needs it, as does her mother.

Since this small child had never before before beaten one of the big kids, I don't think she thinks she is "the best thing in the water" -- I think she swam well 'for her' and was pleased about it. A bit too loud about it, but it's not cruel of prideful to designate another team member as your goal, then be pleased when you beat him/her.

 

I absolutely think that being "hot stuff" on small amature team is a great reason for a child to be pleased and excited about. Why not dance? Just because you're not Olympic calibre when you are pre-pubescent, so that means you are not technically "the best" in your sport? Is that really it? "Be disappointed all the time, because no matter who you beat, you are never actually good enough to be allowed to be happy about it"???

 

I hope this girl sets modest goals of improving her stokes and times -- and continually meets them, and grows up feeling great about herself. (I hope she also learns to express her happiness without being quite so loudly specific about the child she was uring as a benchmark.)

[RanchGirl]

Just smile and wave, boys. And sit somewhere else next time. There is one Dad I know not to sit near because during baseball games he constantly puts down all the kids on our team, except his own little angel of course. I sit as far away from him as possible for my own sanity. You can't fix these people or put them in their "place," so don't waste any more emotional energy stewing about it.

[Stayseeliz]

Ahhh, so yesterday during the meet this mom came to watch MY kids swim their 100 freestyles. They both struggle with this a bit and came in last in their heats since they don't have the stamina yet of some of the kids that have been racing for years. She made comments like, "Awww, that's too bad." and "Well, hopefully they won't be too upset." Sigh. She didn't see them come in second in all their other heats or post personal bests in their 50 free and 50 back races. I know I should just ignore it but it so gets under my skin. I haven't said a word about any of her daughter's races this season. It's not my business. I know she might have just been trying to "be nice" but ahhhhhhhhhh. Okay, I vented. All done. lol

[unsinkable]

Ahhh, so yesterday during the meet this mom came to watch MY kids swim their 100 freestyles. They both struggle with this a bit and came in last in their heats since they don't have the stamina yet of some of the kids that have been racing for years. She made comments like, "Awww, that's too bad." and "Well, hopefully they won't be too upset." Sigh. She didn't see them come in second in all their other heats or post personal bests in their 50 free and 50 back races. I know I should just ignore it but it so gets under my skin. I haven't said a word about any of her daughter's races this season. It's not my business. I know she might have just been trying to "be nice" but ahhhhhhhhhh. Okay, I vented. All done. lol

 

Aww, Stacey, that stinks!

 

You're right, though. You shouldn't let it get under our skin.

[bettyandbob]

This is summer rec swimming? There is nothing to say to a child in a summer league meet after a race except "good job". There is no place to say anything to a parent that is remotely negative about that child's performance.

 

Why do people not understand that when attending their child's competitions, performances and practices they are attending

A CHILD'S RECREATIONAL ACTIVITY

 

This is not USA Swimming. There is no time standard that goes into a national database. The children are not getting scholarships or sponsorships. They are not going to an Olympic training program.

 

I suspect that

1. the woman will alienate most of the the parents on the team

2. the child will follow her mom's lead in poor behavior

3. the child will not make the progress mom was thinking would happen

 

I think you need to make a point to move away from the woman anytime she is near.

[Stayseeliz]

No, this isn't USA swim. We run 7 months of the year and we plan on practicing with another team during our off months and possibly joining the other team full time. But it's not USA swim. We aren't looking to go to the olympics. I really try to avoid this mom as much as possible but our girls love each other so it's hard to do. Our team isn't very big either so that makes avoiding her hard.

[duckens]

If I was passive-aggressive and manipulative, I would be tempted to:

Tell your son to swim his fastest whenever he is in the lane next to this girl. Let her eat your wake!

 

Thank goodness the OP is not passive-aggressive and manipulative!

 

------------------------------

Really, just walk away. Work hard to not sit next to this mom if her comments bother you. There are other people to sit next to. Spend the time reading a book or with earbuds in your ears.

[Trish]

Gee whiz. Hoping for her future failure and for repeated chances to rub a child's nose in her own humiliation and defeat? I thought this thread was about how to respond to a Tiger Mom, not how to be one.

 

:iagree: It isn't worth getting flustered over.

[Stayseeliz]

I really hope the moms on the other team we are going to try aren't like this. It's annoying. I realize that swimming isn't a team sport but this just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

[Laurie4b]

I just don't want my kids to hear her saying something like this. They came into swimming later (at 8 and 11) and they work their butts off every night at practice. This kind of thing is unecessary to me. It makes things uncomfortable for everyone. I don't think it's wrong to compare but saying something in front of another parent is rude. I know I should just let it go and I will. I was just wondering if there was a nice way to shut her down. lol

 

She might end up taking her daughter to a year round team instead of just doing winter and summer teams at our local YMCA but the closest year round team is 40 minutes away. I've thought about trying the year round team but it's too much with 5 and 2 year olds in tow. At 7th grade the kids here can swim for the high school which would put them swimming all but 2 1/2 months out of the year between high school, winter and summer teams. That's plenty for me!

 

You can't protect them from this kind of thing; in fact, it's not bad for kids to have some adversity. If they happen to hear girl or mom, just redirect their focus to where you want it to be: beating their own best times, being good teammates, showing good sportsmanship themselves, how to ignore other people when you need to, "my time is not my identify", etc.