Need serious help with 13 yr dd please...

[Joker]

I feel like an idiot. Dd is a really good kid. She does well at school, works hard, has good friends, and has a strong desire to help others. I thought she was more trustworthy than she obviously is though. She spent a lot of time on her iPod this week. I didn't think anything of it because she's been sick and she had her earbuds in and kept saying she was listening to music. I picked up her iPod last night to hop on the internet since the laptop was in use and felt punched in the gut. Apparently, dd found some place to read Fifty Shades of Grey for free and she read all three books (I know because I then checked her history). I'm hoping someone will tell me they're not really that bad as I haven't read them.

 

Please don't jump on me about allowing the internet use as I have now learned my lesson. I've turned off the wifi on her iPod and changed the passwords. I haven't talked to dd yet as she was in bed and right now she is at school. Dh and I both agree to no more unsupervised internet use for her. She was supposed to get an iPhone this summer and that's out now as well.

 

She knew what she was doing was not ok because she kept it secret. When she wants a book she asks me if she can get it on her basic Kindle. She has never read a book online or on any other device. She also lied when asked and said she was listening to music.

 

So, does anyone think me feeling really horrible about this is an overreaction? I'm asking honestly. Also, is there anything else you would do besides cutting out unsupervised internet use? I can't take all internet use away because she uses it a lot for school. She is supposed to go on an overnight school trip the end of this week and I'm unsure if we should still allow it. I really feel unprepared for this. We've never really had to come down hard on either dd for anything. They've always been easy, good kids.

[Anne in CA]

No, this is not an over reaction at all. Fifty Shades of Gray IS pornography, I have personally read 1/2 of it before I took it back to the library. It is not like some books that have actual literary value even though they have lots of s**. To say the writing is poor would be extremely charitable. I had to stop going to the gym in the middle of the day when my 12yo dd used her time on the internet unwisely last year while I was gone at the gym. It was hard. I love working out with other people, I had fun friends and I really miss it, but she just cannot have the unsupervised time with the internet. It is too big of a temptation.

[lynn]

Talking to her about it and no unsupervised internet is good. I would not take away the overnight trip.

[AnIslandGirl]

We don't ban any books. I would be much more ready to have a conversation about the content than what was read. You may find that she needs someone to talk it over with ( I know some moms really don't look forward to a cup of tea and a frank talk about domination and erotica, but hey, you certainly can't un-read something). You might have to explain what you believe a loving, healthy relationship looks like and ask her what she thinks of it all.

If it happened here, I wouldn't punish my dd for reading something. Take a deep breath, and come up with a game plan.

 

As for limiting her internet access via phone, computer, ipod, etc. if you want to read something, there is always a way.

[Moxie]

Ah, technology!! I used to sneak my mother's Harlequin novels. I'm sorry that those stupid books were available to her. They really are aweful. You might want to read them so uou know what yo discuss with her. No advice, really, just sympathy.

[Luanne]

I don't have any advice. It sounds like you are handling this well. I just wanted to post what they say about these books on wikipedia:

 

"Fifty Shades of Grey is a 2011 erotic romance novel by British author E. L. James. It is the first instalment in the Fifty Shades trilogy that traces the deepening relationship between a college graduate, Anastasia Steele, and a young business magnate, Christian Grey. It is notable for its explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of sexual practices involving bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism."

[fairfarmhand]

How do you think she would react if you printed off a page of it and handed it to her as copy work?

 

I understand your feelings. I'd be horrified and feel terrible too. The feelings are justified IMHO.

 

However, perhaps she needs to learn at 13 that you seldom can sneak without your secret being discovered. It almost always comes out in the end./

[catz]

I've locked down on the internet here. I own all the passwords and log the kids in individually. Not even because my kids were looking at "bad" things online. My oldest just has a tendency to stray from school work when online. I put security on so he can only access a very limited number of websites during school time. My kids do hot have individual devices w/internet access and so if I were you I might shut that down for a while. My oldest does have an iPod for music, but no internet. I guess my oldest doesn't have a ton of limits on what he is allowed to read either. That would certainly lead to a long conversation. My kid would be more likely to just ask directly.

 

I do let my oldest stay home alone. I just shut down internet/close access points before I leave.

[Joker]

We don't ban any books. I would be much more ready to have a conversation about the content than what was read. You may find that she needs someone to talk it over with ( I know some moms really don't look forward to a cup of tea and a frank talk about domination and erotica, but hey, you certainly can't un-read something). You might have to explain what you believe a loving, healthy relationship looks like and ask her what she thinks of it all.

If it happened here, I wouldn't punish my dd for reading something. Take a deep breath, and come up with a game plan.

 

As for limiting her internet access via phone, computer, ipod, etc. if you want to read something, there is always a way.

 

The thing is, though, that we've never banned books either. She's asked to read a few that I was not comfortable with. After letting her know why, I've still let her read them. So, I'm rather upset that she did this so sneakily. She had to have known going in that this was something different.

[StaceyinLA]

I honestly don't know what I would do. I would be much more angry about the lying and deceitfulness than the reading of the books. I haven't read them, but I'd assume it was more out of curiosity than anything. I do remember picking up "The Joy of Sex" book from my parents' room as an early teen and looking through it. My mother would've been mortified if she would've known I did that (she was VERY modest). It didn't make me rush out and try all sorts of crazy sex positions. In fact, it kinda grossed me out at the time.

 

I think I would definitely take this as an opportunity for discussion about proper relationships and what is appropriate (your beliefs of course since those things vary among folks). I'd also let her know that her lying is a bigger issue, and punish her accordingly.

[hillfarm]

I'm not sure what you have covered so far with your dd regarding sex, but I think now is the time to go over the whole process if you haven't yet. I haven't read 50 Shades, so can't comment on it.

 

I think the main thing here is to separate sexual curiosity from the problem of telling a lie and of disobedience. Make sure she knows that she is not being punished for the topic of what she read. And be honest, if it is hard for you to get beyond the issue of content, tell her that and tell her why. If it goes against your religious beliefs be sure to give her a clear explanation of how so and why.

 

I once read a great explanation of the effect of a child's lies. Imagine your dc had a board and each lie she told was like driving a nail into the board. When she was found out, and hopefully appologised, it is similar to removing the nails. However, the holes still remain. It would take quite a long time of much use to blur those holes and make them less of an issue. Similarly, it will take quite a bit of time, with her being responsible, truthful, and obedient in order for you to be able to trust her again. The holes/lies will always be there (another life lesson about how some things can't be made perfect again), but she can earn your trust again, however it will take time and diligence.

 

I would require only supervised internet use for a couple of months, and be sure she knows that you will check even when she is away from home. I would not cancel the school trip. We have all made mistakes and this one is not a repeated offense. Let her know that you love her and want the best for her, that sneaking to read racy novels is not the best and you won't allow it. Tell her to come to you if she has questions and that you will help her find age-appropriate reading material if need be. Deal with the lie and disobedience for what they are and move on. She is at a crossroads, in terms of maturity, and IMO, this is not an issue worth severely damaging your ties with her. She will need a strong bond with you even more in the coming years, so preserve it if at all possible.

[J-rap]

I think I would react more strongly to the lying than the book reading. I mean, I'd be disappointed in her book choice too, but part of that is a natural curiosity.

 

So, I would still address the book reading of course. I think I'd tell her that I understand her curiosity about books like that, but in your house and in your family, you do not feel that's good material to feed into one's brain. Some books might have some scenes in it that are uncomfortable, but if the book as a whole is good, I might make an exception (though probably not for a 13 year-old). But if the book is mostly trash (and it sounds like that one is), then it would definitely not be allowed in our house. I would explain my reasons for that, not angrily, but matter-of-factly.

 

We're pretty much of the view that anything you put into your brain should have at least some redeeming qualities.

 

More importantly, I would tell her how important it is for her to be honest with you. Again, I would not do it out of anger, but out of love. I would not take away her overnight, because you don't want her reaction to be one of rebellion. I would definitely place more limits on internet usage. For years, we would allow our children to be on the internet only if we were in the room, through about age 16. (Although with our older kids, it was through high school! Poor kids! ha :)) That was easier in the days when most households had only one main computer. It wasn't even because we didn't trust our kids, they were good kids -- like your daughter. But, things on the internet are so easy to find, and kids are curious, or sometimes they randomly find things, accidentally.

 

Our kids are not nervous prudes as a result of our being strict regarding the internet! We have a great relationship with our kids, and they often joke about our internet rules. But, they have learned to be disciplined and are careful about how they spend their free time.

[bettyandbob]

As far as the content of the books are concerned, it is my understanding that they model a very unhealthy relationship. I would be more concerned about that than pornography. I haven't read the books, but if I were in your position, I'm might read the first one and try to discuss what a good relationship and bad relationship looks like. It is likely the relationships modeled in the books may have made a stronger impression than the s x.

 

I don't think I come down too hard on her, but my family also does not restrict reading.

[AK_Mom4]

I try for logical consequences and for us, the logical consequence would be the loss of internet privledges on the iPod. Probably for about a year because this sounds like a maturity thing. If she needs the internet for something, she can get you to manually type in the password.

 

We would have a nice discussion about the downside of filling your head with trash and sexual images. In fact, we had that discussion with DD11 this weekend because we watched the movie version of Romeo and Juliet (the old one where Romeo walks around with no pants). Until they develop Brain Bleach, it's best to avoid those sorts of images.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Lots of us have BTDT, Mama, whether over skeevy literature or internet porn or something else. Everybody's mentioned the only way to handle this:

 

1. Do lock down computers and phones at home, and be aware of where else your child can access material you don't approve of, but

 

2. there's no substitution for a really, really frank conversation now, because

 

3. she's learned the wrong lessons about relationships and sex before you were able to shape her perspective with your own values, and you have to address that, but just so you know,

 

4. it's going to be an ongoing conversation, now, ideally, until she grows up and probably after. You'll have to look for opportunities to share values and facts with her, but remember,

 

5. she might not end up with the same opinions and values as you, but you'll need to be the first person she knows she can talk to, anyway.

 

I'm so sorry. I wish we could hide them all away from the evil and ugly, but that's not the world we live in and it's not realistic. What we can do is keep the communication open, loving, and respectful, and do our crying or screaming out of their earshot if possible.

[speedmom4]

I currently have three teenagers and they are all really good kids, not perfect kids. All three have lost internet privileges at one time or another for various offenses. It's normal for teens to do things that their parents don't approve of. Instead of freaking out I try to think of appropriate consequences. Normally these offenses turn out to be wonderful opportunities to talk about issues that concern teens. You have a wonderful opportunity to have some great discussion about normal sexual curiosity. That can lead to what is appropriate and inappropriate content for someone her age.

 

Blessings,

 

Elise in NC

 

 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I meant to add that I agree with the filters and lockdowns being sort of an interim solution. We transition to an accountability system after that phase, where the child can use the internet but the activity gets reported to the parent's email. It's just a few years until they'll have the freedom to use the whole thing as they will, so it's probably better to learn how to do that while they still have somebody to oversee and mentor at home.

[Tita Gidge]

I actually think you've done well, but my general philosophy is "trust them until they give you a reason not to" - which is what you've done. I don't think you're an idiot at all.

 

The thing is, even good kids get curious. Curious about $exuality, current about pop culture, curious about ... all of it, sometimes all of it jumbled up in one convenient spot. If she were determined to read it, it wouldn't have been hard for her to find it outside of her iPod. Deceit is never good, but it's always good for the parents when the child isn't SKILLED at deceit. I guarantee that next time she'll sneak any forbidden fruit from a different apparatus - maybe a friend's, a library's computer, or (like we did in the old days) a friend's mom's hidden paperback under our mattress LOL. So the deceit would bother me, but I wouldn't let it be the primary discipline issue - why would I want to encourage her to become more skilled at deceiving me?

 

I'd follow the suggestion upthread to use it as a dialogue for what she's read. And to ask why she felt she couldn't ask me for the book, as she had done other books in the past; was it the nature of the topic? If so, I'm more than happy to seek out appropriate books (fiction, if preferred) that might more appropriately fill that curiosity void. I'd let her know I was disappointed at the deceit, but that what mattered more to me was brainstorming what led to it (so that we didn't go there again).

 

She is supposed to go on an overnight school trip the end of this week and I'm unsure if we should still allow it.

 

You should allow it still. I think that owning part of the lesson here (allowing unsupervised internet) requires she not take the full fall by herself. I'd let her know that she had my full trust, broke it, and we'd work on rebuilding it ... the consequences being what you've already instituted (passwords, supervised internet, etc.). No more, no less.

[Twinmom]

Don't have time to write a long explanation, but BTDT with my 13 yr old as well. Repeated offenses resulted in total loss of Internet and phone usage, for a long time. Trust is the big issue, IMHO, as well as safety. Where trust is lacking and safety rules are violated, I don't give a flip about what you are curious about...you just lose the privileges. Curious? Ask me...I'll tell you the truth straight up and you won't have to go looking elsewhere.

 

Don't worry too much...they all do it to some degree and you are on the case now. You are doing fine.

[I.Dup.]

I would be horrified as well. But like the PP wisely pointed out, this most likely started with curiosity and that is very normal. You mentioned she is in school? She probably heard about the books from her friends there and knew what they were about (which is why she searched them out specifically and hid them from you, I seriously doubt she just stumbled upon them). I would not take away an overnight trip (unless it was with friends you think may be a bad influence who may be influencing her in this area) and I would talk very frankly with her, with as little emotion as possible.

 

The thing I would be concerned about is that this seems to have opened up a fascination with the subject since she went ahead and read all 3 books. That's more than just thumbing through a sex manual, kwim? I would talk really honestly but SUPER calmly and act like what she learned about in the books isn't some horrifyingly shameful thing, but that it's absolutely the wrong way to go about relationships because of X, Y, Z. It's degrading, painful, abusive, not loving, not caring, the people who get caught up in that kind of thing usually go from relationship to relationship and have some kind of addiction, etc, etc. But I would do it super calmly, being totally open to answer any questions and share anything she wants and needs to hear about it. If you come in with guns blazing she will automatically shut down since she's obviously already embarrassed enough about it to hide it from you.

 

I'm just trying to go by my own experience here. I stumbled across some graphic online stuff when I was around her age and it definitely opened up a fascination. Things went downhill from there, my parents did not cut things off and protect me like they should even after they found out about it, I was VERY peer oriented, all of it together was just a terrible cocktail. I'm sure now that you know and are aware, things will go just fine.

[Tammyla]

I haven't read the books either, so no comment on the content.

 

If this went against our rules, there would be a loss of privileges as punishment. Expect a bit of push back, teens are very tech savvy and many will help their friends out when a parent puts down limits. (Imo fwiw, 13 is pretty young to me, she'll need lots of love and monitoring.)

[Joker]

Thanks, everyone! Our talk went ok. She didn't try to deny when I told her I knew she snuck around on her iPod and read something she knew she shouldn't. She said she didn't like reading it and thought it was stupid. We've talked about s*x before so I just explained how what she read isn't what happens in normal, healthy relationships. I haven't read the books so it's hard for me to point out everything I might have wanted to, but I did go to the same online place she read them at and browsed through the first book. :svengo: She was really embarrassed by that.

 

She didn't get upset about losing internet access on her iPod. I told her the only internet access she is allowed for now is for school and at the table on the laptop. She said she understood. She felt really bad and said she wouldn't do anything like it again. I told her there were more appropriate books she could read if she wanted, but she said she wasn't interested. I doubt that's the truth but I'll let it go because I know she's embarrassed.

 

Now, she's eating an ice cream sandwich and watching My Little Pony with her little sister - and laughing. I, on the other hand, feel like something stronger than ice cream.

[Parrothead]

I'm going to be the odd one out and say disallow the overnight trip. To my mind overnight trips require a bit of trust on the parents' part. That trust has been broken. As a consequence no overnight trip.

 

The lying should have a separate consequence. She point blank lied about sneaking. Yes, I know it seems they should go hand in hand. Not necessarily though. For instance two kids are sitting on the floor. Kid one hits kid two. When asked about it Kid One lies. The hitting isn't sneaking behavior. So kid one gets in trouble for hitting and lying. The same principle would apply here if it were my dd who is also 13.

 

As for the content of the book, well, I think it is time for a serious discussion about what she read. You may even have to read the Cliff Notes version to get a thorough understanding about how bad the relationship between the two characters is and to know what types of antics they were up to. Having to talk to mom about unusual sexual practices of some people is probably consequence enough.

[Rebecca VA]

The "Shades" books are extremely popular among teens. They're being passed around from student to student in schools and discussed in graphic detail. It's no wonder your daughter was curious about them.

 

I remember racy adult novels being passed around when I was in middle school. I think the kids know the books are hogwash -- that's why they giggle over them and hide them from their parents.

[Starr]

You could always offer having her dad discuss this with her if it continues. ;)

[AmyontheFarm]

You could always offer having her dad discuss this with her if it continues. ;)

 

 

 

Now now, don't punish dear dad! LOL My husband would be beet red just reading this thread and learning about what is in those books, let alone discussing it with me or anyone else! :)

[Kbug]

Your not over reacting at all. Attempt to nip it now because next you'll know if you don't the indiscretion will be bigger. I know from experience just how big the problem can get. Ipods can be used for texting if you were not aware of that. Also, for what it is worth, if you decide you want to go ahead and get the phone, there are invisible programs that can be put on it that will record and remotely send you reports on the activity of the use of the phone. You could see every text that is sent/received even if it is deleted and some will do the same for web use and pictures. Something to think about as a trust bridge or just for plain ole snooping. There might even be a related program for the Ipod/Ipad.

 

Kbug

[nd293]

I understand you feeling horrible. Some months ago we realized dd12 was hiding her iPod when we approached her. In the end, it was nothing we would have objected to - a romantic but innocent Japanese comic and series - but I felt literally sick with anxiety for days. We chose not to call her on it, but I did have more conversations about relationships and also concerns about the Internet in a general way.

 

I am not sure cutting out unsupervised Internet access is the way to go, simply because I'm not sure it's realistic, and could lead to more deception in the long run. Although I'd be terribly upset, I'd probably try to engage in an open conversation and move on - this time, and way. It sound like your dd is generally a lovely child, and this was just a misstep - I'd treat it as such.