Preparing or re-entry and reverse culture shock in my TCKs... parents, too?

[Ohdanigirl]

For those of you who have lived and/or raised children abroad, is re-entry really as shocking as my research has lead me to believe? All four of my children have lived in Mexico most of their lives. I made it a point to go see grandpa in San Diego every few months and participated in activities with other home schoolers while there. We even traveled and lived in hotels for just a few months when dh's job allowed, but the majority of their childhood has been spent in Mexico. Our oldest is the only one who remembers living in the U.S. until the age of four.

 

We were set to move back to the U.S. this month, but the move has been delayed due to DH's work assignment. Still, we are moving back sooner than later. Boxes have been packed and shipped, friends and family have been made aware of our plans, and our dc have come to accept that we will be in the states by the beginning of next school year. Only recently did I begin to think about the shock that we may be in for. It also occurred to me that my son has already realized that he may be very different than other 14 y/o boys raised in the states. He doesn't understand why some boys wear their pants blow their bums. He really doesn't get why many (not all) American teens use so much slang, talk back to and even yell at parents or other adults, and why so many people are seen using their cell phones when they are out eating with their family. These are just some of his observations from recent trips to the U.S.

 

I know that these seem like minor issues, but our two oldest dc have concerns about relating with their peers. After reading Third Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds, I can already see situations when my kids will get defensive, irritated, or even offended when people begin to ask them questions about Mexico. In fact, it has happened before. How can I help to better prepare them for the culture shock? How can I help them to deal with some of the questions they will face about violence, drug cartels, and politics? They are still young, but some people in the past have thought it Ok to begin questioning them about these topics. What else should I begin speaking to them about?

 

What about dh and I? I know I faced some shock on two week visits, but it didn't seem too bad and wore off after a few days. Am I kidding myself here?

 

Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

[Deb in NZ]

Yes, reverse culture shock is real & IME more painful than the culture shock experienced when settling into life as an ex-pat. My dc are bi-cultural, but we did live the ex-pat life when dd & ds#1 were young. Re-entry to the culture that you grew up in is especially hard IMHO as you don't expect to feel that you are an outsider in your own country. Your family will always have a much wider worldview than friends & family who have never lived overseas.

 

For dd the hardest thing was she was always considered the outsider. (i.e when we lived ex-pats we were all from elsewhere, when we lived in NZ she was known as the American kid, when we were in the US she was the kid from NZ) She just wanted to belong where she lived. My family expected my dc to act, believe, understand, etc. the same as their other grandchildren. The fact they talked, acted, ect. different (even when different was a good thing) was a shock for my parents.

 

Advice for settling back "home"

---Allow yourself to be homesick for your "other home."

---Find activities for your dc that they did before you moved (i.e. scouts, sports, music, etc.) This helps them make friends & settle in as they find they have something in common.

---Play tourist & rediscover what is special about your "new home."

---Have each dc make up a scrapbook of their life in Mexico. When asked about what life was like in Mexico, they will have something to share. If they are asked inappropriate questions, have them say " that wasn't part of my life there, but here is what life was like for me..." & have them share their scrapbook.

 

Blessings,

[Sisyphus]

Yes, it is very real, and in some ways worse than the original culture shock. People in the foreign country know you are foreign. People in your own country think your a total wacko, lol.

 

I would add to the above list:

Talk, talk, talk about the little/ not so little cultural things as they come up. For example, where we lived plain, very insulting comments on appearance, etc were normal. In the us, you can't say to someone "gee, you have a really big zit on your chin". But my youngest, who didn't remember living anywhere else, still does this. There are other things, but this is an example- even if your family wasn't like the prevailing culture, chances are the kids picked up many subtle cultural things that are not like the us.

 

 

Pop culture sucks. Justin Bieber is a mystery, and no one can figure out who Snooki is. I have no help on that one, we are just clueless. But many other pop culture things I know as raised in America...my kids didn't. Wearing shoes in a house. Using plastic bags at walmart. All the stuff at walmart (they were literally dumbfounded, I wish I had photos!). Driving everywhere, and not being allowed to go wherever they want, alone, and there being no where to go as they live in a suburb now. The huge houses. Not littering. Etc.

 

I wouldn't trade it, but I can see, and my oldest especially will agree, that my kids are very changed by all this. They stood out racially in the foreign cow they, but in the us no one expects how different they are.

 

My youngest was in therapy when we moved away, and when we came back, so don't discount that it might be needed.

[DawnM]

Can your kids attend a seminar on being a TCK in an area near where you will be? I attended one when I first got to the USA, as a freshman in college and it was very helpful. Ours was given my Michael Pollock and he has since passed away, but I think they still do them.

 

There were a lot of things that were really hard for me. Some things that your kids may not have to deal with as they are a bit younger and you will be with them (my parents were in Africa while I was in the USA alone). I didn't know how to use a pay phone or a bank or a check book. I wore my kanga in the door and found out later I was referred to as "that girl that wears the sheet."

 

One girl stopped talking to me and later told me it was because every time she bought something I would comment with, "Do you know how many African families you could have fed for a month with the cost of that blouse?" I am sure I didn't do it all the time, but I had no idea I was even doing it.

 

I didn't feel like I fit in, but I did attend a Christian college and guess who my best friends were? Yup, other MKs! We found each other within the first week and hung out all 4 years!

 

There is more but I am tired at the moment. I will come back to this thread later.

 

Dawn

[Mommyof4ks]

I would not worry about the things you mentioned, we do not hang around with people who have kids that talk back in public, wear pants around their ankles, or use a lot of odd slang. My kids do not know kids like that or see them on a regular basis (avoid Walmart, trust me :)). There will probably be a lot of things that are shocking though, so make moving sound like an adventure to a new place even if they have been to the states before.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Didn't know American money - coins in particular. I used up all my bills until I had a huge stash of coins that I had to use. There was a huge line in the 7-11 when I first tried to buy something with the coins. I was called a "retard" because I had to read the coins to figure out their denominations.

 

Did some things that were dangerous in the US but were totally safe where I grew up.

 

Did find that I had a much easier time relating to and getting to know minorities and others who didn't fit into the mainstream because I was used to listening and looking for cues that help in cultural understanding.

 

Had to watch out for seeing my "home" country with rose colored glasses and the US with muddy ones. There are problems everywhere. Yes, there are lots of problems with the US but there are many good things about here too.

 

 

Had a hard time with small talk because that is where a lot of slang and cultural knowledge tends to come to the fore. Deeper discussions were not a problem.

 

Learned to relax and laugh at myself. Like when I got all excited at seeing a robin because they were so rare where I lived. By being relaxed, my friends learned to let me be my quirky self too.

 

Learned to look past the outside of people to the person underneath. We are basically all the same underneath. It helps to know that.

[Lily_Grace]

I think it depends. We had culture shock when we moved abroad, and will when we come back. In 5 years, my children have not watched cable, seen a 24 hour store, or kwikimarts or anything else of the like. They've grown up in a small town going to a weekly market, riding bikes everywhere.....current fads are dictated by only what the children can get here, which means every boy-child in the middle and high plays Magic, or just about. They have no idea who anybody on MTV is. Buckwild? What's that? LOL And it's the little things - my son's friend was amazed to discover heating and cooling vents in houses when he went back (after being here for 8 years) but was so disappointed the windows didn't open properly.

[Laura Corin]

It was definitely a shock. My boys were 8 and 12 and had never lived in the West before moving to Scotland. I asked Hobbes this morning about it. The following are the problems; and what helped him

 

- change of climate; going for long walks to acclimatise

 

- missing Asia and Asian friends; having a photo album of China, including places and people, that was his to look over in sad moments.

 

- not understanding the cultural references in Scotland; being in lots of situations where he could make friends and learn cultural norms, such as village activities, cub scouts, karate, chess club, young engineers.

 

Other things that we, as parents, tried to do to help:

 

- trying to keep as much as possible the same. Hobbes did karate in China; before we arrived in Scotland I had already found a local karate school which taught a similar style and where he could soon feel at home. We also continued home educating for two years before finally putting the boys into school - their daily routine was the same in Scotland as it had been in China.

 

- trying to take account as much as possible of the children's wishes: Calvin wanted to live on the edge of a village; Hobbes wanted to live in the countryside. We were lucky enough to find a house that combined these hopes - even if this had not been possible, we could tell them that we tried.

 

- getting a dog. This was a long-held wish of Hobbes' that we could not fulfill where we lived before. So Scotland was associated in his mind with the fulfillment of a dream. The dog also gave him extra comfort when he needed it, forced us all to exercise and get used to the climate, and gave Hobbes something to talk about to his new friends.

 

- choosing a fairly cosmopolitan area to live in: we had the choice of a settled farming community or an academic/tourist area. We chose the latter so that the boys (and we) had the chance to meet people from a varied background.

 

- keeping the Chinese language going, to maintain that link.

 

- visiting China again after eighteen months as a kind of further letting go. After that trip, both boys realised that Scotland had, in fact, become home.

 

I hope some of this helps. I'm happy to answer any questions you may have.

 

Laura

[Giraffe]

Yes, it's real. DD is having issues in both countries as "the outsider".

 

I broke down in tears in WalMart on my first trip back to the US because there were so many choices I couldn't pick out baby food for my DD. I left empty handed.

 

My family doesn't know what to do with us. We just don't fit anymore.

[thebacabunch]

I know that when I was abroad for a time coming home was brutal. I was sooooooo culture shocked, lol. I was in Spain and the people there are very physically open people, I mean you kiss people as a greeting (even strangers). I thought Americans, my own people, were so cold. I also disliked air conditioning for awhile because I was used to being hot all the time and would shiver around fake cold air. Everyone expecting me to be who I was before was hardest of all. It was as hard for my family and friends as it was for me. My family was exasperated and confused by me and I was depressed and homesick for the country I just left. It did fade. In retrospect I kinda started my life fresh from that point.

 

Kids often bounce back faster and with more ease than adults. It will all work out.

[Heather in Neverland]

It is very real but it is also very dependent on the person. For some it will be really hard to adjust but for others, not so much. I think teens and adults have it the hardest.

 

I visited the states last summer after being away for 3 years and it took me FOREVER to grocery shop. The choices were overwhelming. The bread aisle alone is enough to send me running. But there was also many things that were really fun to have again like Target, free and plentiful parking, and red meat.

[Mom in High Heels]

Yes, it's real. DD is having issues in both countries as "the outsider".

 

I broke down in tears in WalMart on my first trip back to the US because there were so many choices I couldn't pick out baby food for my DD. I left empty handed.

 

My family doesn't know what to do with us. We just don't fit anymore.

 

 

Urgh, yes to everything! I feel incredibly overwhelmed trying to do grocery shopping in the US. There's so much! James Bond is the same. My family thinks we're nuts. The US is sooooo big it can be intimidating.

 

Indy is going to miss a lot about Europe. Mostly foods, but also the way of life. It's calmer and more laid back. Holidays are holidays (meaning nothing is open) and Sunday is a family day. There is hustle and bustle, but nothing compared to what it's like in the US (IME).

 

Just try to understand if they are confused or overwhelmed and help them talk their way through it.

[Mama Geek]

I haven't lived overseas, but we did live in Alaska for awhile. When we ended up back in the out skirts of Orlando it was major culture shock, just with the differences in how people acted and behaved.

 

I am getting to know a lady who has just come here from South America. She does speak English pretty well, or at least much better than my spanish is and we can carry on a conversation with out too much trouble, and it has been interesting seeing glimpses of the differences through her eyes. Hopefully you will find some friendly people who will help to make the transition easier.

[Halftime Hope]

I was a TCK, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth. I can remember being shocked by how much food people wasted in the US. I'm pretty sure I was very obnoxious mentioning it over and over.

[DawnM]

We had two kinds of cereal available in the country where I grew up. Corn Flakes and Weetabix.

 

The first time I went to buy cereal in the US I stood in the cereal isle for probably 20 full minutes.

 

I had no idea what all that stuff was.

 

So, I found a box of Weetabix at the end of the isle and went home with that! :laugh:

 

Yes, it's real. DD is having issues in both countries as "the outsider".

 

I broke down in tears in WalMart on my first trip back to the US because there were so many choices I couldn't pick out baby food for my DD. I left empty handed.

 

My family doesn't know what to do with us. We just don't fit anymore.

 

[Giraffe]

Everyone expecting me to be who I was before was hardest of all. It was as hard for my family and friends as it was for me. My family was exasperated and confused by me and I was depressed and homesick for the country I just left.

 

This. I have gotten better about bouncing between the two countries, but my family just doesn't know what to do with me. And occasionally I do flub up still with cultural things (like hugging and kissing Americans when greeting them, which totally freaks them out).

[Amira]

I agree with other posters who mention dealing with others' expectations in your "home" country. I am a different person because I've lived overseas and while some people get that, a lot of people don't really know how to deal with me. There's a lot I don't say or tell people about (in any country I'm in, really), and that can be lonely.

 

But there are some fun things too. I loved watching my youngest last summer when we returned from Kyrgyzstan. It was the only place he remembered and it was home for him, so there was a lot to discover in the US. Ice, flushable and soft toilet paper, drinking fountains, and so much more was new to him and I really enjoyed seeing him discover a new place, especially one that was so familiar to me. He still related to things from a Kyrgyzstan perspective for a long time- like calling igloos "snow yurts."

 

I think the biggest difference with re-entry can be that everyone, including you, expects you to be happy to be back and familiar with things. Everyone, including you, expected things to be really different when you move overseas, so I think you are a little better prepared for the changes. It also makes a huge difference whether you're happy and ready to be leaving, or not. I have never been happy to leave, and that makes re-entry even worse.

 

And, yes, I have cried in Wal-Mart more than once.

[Lucy in Australia]

Your kids are fortunate that you are thinking about this & making plans. I was 12 when we moved to Australia from Europe & it was a huge shock. The other posters have given so much good advice. I just wanted to add that having a solid family unit helps. I had no siblings, which made things harder for me. Also, you might be fortunate enough to find a nice homeschooling group in your area. It's far worse when public school is involved, especially high school. Also, being encouraged to keep in contact with old friends helps. Much easier with today's internet age :001_smile:

[Parrothead]

Something to watch for is a lack of friends or even making simple connections. And they may try to hide it. It may be hardest on your middle schoolers.

[TheReader]

No advice, but following along.

 

We'll be returning to the US from Brazil near the end of this year, after what will then be six years here. The reverse culture shock concerns me.

[Guest Ellen@SeaChangeMentoring]

Ohdanigirl, this is such an important topic and I'm so glad to see this be an active discussion. There is more and more research out there that demonstrates the risks and rewards of an international childhood.

 

The positives are attributes and skills like:

• Cross-cultural communication
  
• Language skills
  
• Innovative thinking
  
• Adaptability
  

 

There are negatives as well, such as:

• Feelings of rootlessness and restlessness
  
• Difficulty forming intimate, lasting relationships
  

 

Reverse-culture shock is another challenge that is absolutely crucial to address and prepare for. Teens specifically are proned to depression and anxiety during this period. The shock can last for years and if not prepared for can have even more serious consequences.

 

The good news is there are real ways to minimize the shock. Here are a few (all based on what the research says):

• Start talking to your kids now about what to expect (sounds like you are doing this already!). Talk about what other kids opinions might be of Mexico, about the differences in quality of life, transportation, pop culture.
  
• Have them begin to figure out how to tell their story. Some kids will not want to hear too much about the fact that they have been living in Mexico. Have role play a couple scenarios fo what to say when people ask them "where are you from"
  
• Find an international community for your kids to get involved in
  
• If they speak Spanish, continue to provide them with opportunities to use the language
  
• If you will be using the services of counselors, doctors and/or therapists, you will need to educate them about the fact that your kids are Third Culture Kids. Share the Third Culture Kids book with them.
  
• Find your kids mentors
  

 

I run an online mentoring program for Thurd Culture Kids who are transitioning back to their home country. We match them ith adults who also grew up overseas. The mentors are professional mentors,trained to specifically minimize reverse culture shock and maximize the many benefits of growing up abroad. Mentoring is a well-researched intervention that works particularly well for teens in transition, and both Tina Quick (author of The Global Nomad's Guide to University Transition) and Ruth Van Reken (author of Third Culture Kids) list mentoring as an important resource to take advantage of. If you are interested, feel free to reach out to me. Even if you would just like some recommendations on further reading or resources, I'd be happy to help. Our website is www.seachangementoring.com and you can read more about us in the latest review of our work here: http://www.amsterdam-mamas.nl/featured/third-culture-kids-2

 

Good luck -you are already ahead of the game just by thinking about this before you head home.

[Tokyomarie]

Ellen@SeaChangeMentoring: Thank you so much for your compassionate and knowledgeable post! Normally, I am leary of people coming in "from the outside" and registering just so they can post about their business or organization, but your post is thoughtful and well-written.

 

Ohdanigirl, the most significant recommendation I can give you is to seek out and take advantage of opportunities that will help you be intentional about dealing with the adjustment process. Formal repatriation programs, a therapeutic relationship with a professional who has experience working with families that have lived cross-culturally, seeking out and getting to know other American families who have returned from cross-cultural living and have successfully made the transition can be a help. You are coming back at an exciting time, a time when the internet is being fully leveraged to connect people and facilitate these relationships.

 

We returned from 10.5 years in Tokyo 13 years ago. Our children were 15yo, 12yo, and 5yo. We had zero support available and anything I could find didn't apply to us in one way or another. We were corporate business expats whose most significant social relationships were found in our church and the missionary community as well as the nationals in our neighborhood rather than the business expatriate community. Our company had a one-size fits all approach to repatriation support: a one day seminar for adults (my husband & myself) that required travel to a location 5 hours from our home in MI. I begged for the company to offer something for our oldest two. I knew from hearing David Pollack speak in Tokyo that they would be significantly impacted by our move to a country they knew only as "where grandma lives." The company agreed to provide a program for the girls. The whole thing fell apart, however, when they were unwilling/unable to provide childcare for our 5yo son. We had moved to a location where we knew no one and due to various extended family circumstances we had no family assistance for childcare for our son. So, because of childcare issues, the one thing the company could offer us never happened.

 

I tried looking online (such as it was back in 2000), but the only other options I could find were only available to those who had been in ministry positions. Also, our daughters were not yet old enough for the programs offered for TCKs coming back for college.

 

Our repatriation experience was more than painful and still evokes strong feelings in me to talk about it now. Because of what I learned from David Pollack's talk, I feel like we did the "leaving" part right when we left Japan, but I feel like the RAFT drifted out to sea and no rescuers ever came.

 

Thirteen years later, our girls are doing well. However, their trajectories in life have been radically altered from what I would have predicted based on where they were at developmentally just prior to our leaving Tokyo. Their choices in life have been influenced by the negatives of our repatriation experience, which makes me sad at times.

 

The other recommendation I have is to help your children do what they can to maintain connections with their friends in Mexico- phone calls, email, Facebook, a strategically timed visit back if the travel logistics allow. One of the main difficulties our girls experienced was an almost complete loss of the communication with friends "back home" that could have sustained them while they worked at making new friends here. While some people complain about Facebook, I will say that the connection that FB allows me with my friends in Tokyo has been a tremendous positive. I was losing touch with them, even with email available, but since FB has come on the scene I now have the opportunity to get frequent glimpses into their daily lives which builds connection. Of course, most of my life is lived here on American soil and we have built a "home" here, but those connections to our life in Japan help keep the various parts of "me" connected to who I am.

 

Wishing you the best as you make this transition.

[Ohdanigirl]

Thank you for all the great advice and stories that you have shared. Wow, I was really able to relate to much of what I read. I hadn't realized how much living here, and even spending time in Mexico throughout my own childhood has affected me. After finishing the book, and reading about other's experiences, I realize I already struggled with many of these issues as a teen. I hope that will allow me to relate better with my children as they go through this change, and that I may be able to better help them through the process.

 

There have been so many useful suggestions. Too many to quote, so I will sit down and re-read through the thread with dh. I f anything, I ow feel that this is something I can actually help to prepare my children for.

 

Ellen@SeaChangeMentoring, thank you so much for the info, resources, and suggestion. What a wealth of knowledge.

[Lanny]

@Ohdanigirl

 

I wrote a long message for this thread, early this morning, and I was about ready to send it, and there was a power failure and the U.P.S. needs a new battery and I lost everything. I will try again, but I’m tired, so the content will not be as good as what I wrote this morning.

 

You are absolutely correct that when returning to your native country, the culture shock will be much worse than when you emigrated to Mexico. I read that, before I emigrated from the USA, in 1995.

 

IMHO, the morals, or lack of morals, in the USA; will be the biggest hurdle and obstacle for your family members.

 

You can adjust to the lower standard of living, the weather, the food, etc., much easier than to the morals.

 

If you are moving to a border state (CA, AZ, NM, TX) you will have a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables from Mexico available to you, especially in stores that cater to Mexican Americans.

I understand that some grass fed meat is now available in the USA.

 

Your family will probably receive a lot of questions and comments about Mexico and a lot of them will not be fun to listen to. When I told my wife about your thread, this morning, she wondered where in Mexico you live. We are quite aware, living in Latin America, of the problems in recent years in Mexico. I imagine that many people in the USA are also aware of those problems, which are far far worse than they ever were here in Colombia.

 

Your kids can talk or have video calls, free, with their friends in Mexico, on Skype. Skype to Skype calls are free.

 

The medical care in the USA will probably be something you are not pleased with. The doctors there are taught to be distant from their patients, which is a huge difference, from doctors in Latin America. And, you are accustomed, as we are, to being able to walk into a pharmacy and purchase things that would require a doctors prescription in the USA. The fact that you cannot do that in the USA is a reminder of the drug use problem in the USA.

 

We were staying with friends in Texas, years ago. One morning, we invited them to Denny’s for Breakfast. A Mexican man working in the restaurant, when he learned we were from Colombia, made a rude comment, about how great the Cocaine is. My wife (a “Colombianaâ€) put him in his place and she told him that we wouldn’t know, because we don’t have any here, because all of it is exported to the USA, Canada, and Europe.

 

The food in the USA, will probably be a terrible shock to you, because so little of it is fresh. And, you are probably accustomed to bakeries on every block, to being able to have things repaired that must be thrown out in the USA, to people knowing how to fix things, etc. Possibly you have servants in your home in Mexico, which is only for the very wealthy in the USA.

 

Previous poster(s) mentioned about the kissing and hugging. Yes. Two of our doctors here are females. If I walked into one of their offices and did not kiss them on the cheek, they would assume that I am mad at them.

 

The shock of returning to the USA includes employees of the U.S. Embassy. Years ago, when we took our DD to the ACS (American Citizens Services) to get her passport, etc., the Consul was quite concerned, because she was returning to work in the states and her DD at that time was 12 or 14 years old. She was extremely concerned.

 

And, when I was at the Embassy, I saw an American woman get out of an Embassy vehicle, after being picked up at the airport, and she was kissing everyone, just as a Colombian woman would do.

 

By all means, your children should continue to use and expand their Spanish. Being truly bilingual means that they can attend a university where the teaching language is U.S. English or Spanish.

That will be a “Plus†on their applications for university enrollment and for employment applications.

 

The fact that you have lived abroad changed you, forever. Most of that is a “plusâ€, but it does make one different.

 

You will view things in the USA not just as a native American, but as a “Gringaâ€, who lived in Mexico for a number of years, and who has a more international view of things.

 

Many years ago, I read a book, “Distant Neighborsâ€, about the enormous differences between the USA and Mexico. No other countries that share a border are so different. Mexico has incredible history and many wonderful people. I was there, many times, and I was planning to move there.

 

People have assumptions, about what life is like outside the USA and their assumptions are often wrong. Years ago, in our former home, in Cali, in a very rural area, a friend who lives in the Houston area came to visit us. He was amazed that we had Cable Internet service. Where he lived, in Texas, he did not have Broadband Internet available.

 

The drugs and the recent violence are not typical of Mexico or Mexicans and hopefully your family will be able to share some information about the wonderful things in Mexico with those who are interested in learning.

 

When they are adults, your children will have some additional employment opportunities available to them that are not available to people who have not lived abroad.

 

The biggest change will be for your 14 year old. That is a very tough age, in any country. Try to see that his new friends are good kids and not into drugs. He is different and he will always be different.

 

If we were moving to the USA, the first thing I would do is have my wife and DD attend a Rape Prevention Seminar. Rape is very rare here.

 

You need to teach your children, about the perverts in the USA. I don’t know how you can do that, without scaring them, but the local police departments usually have web sites showing where the registered sex offenders live.

 

Much good luck to you on your International move! I read, many years ago, that an International move compares to a House Fire, in the stress levels.

 

Gentle hugs from Colombia!

[Sisyphus]

Lanny, the health care! Yes!

 

I was so confounded when we moved away, and our dog got a tumor. The vet hospital had all the best equipment- we would never have done so much intervention for our dog in the us, simply because of cost, but it was affordable! But the vets! They would lay out all options, and then want us to pick. They wouldn't say "do this, and this, never that" about her treatment. I am used to authoritarian us medical people who barely tell you what they are doing to you, let alone why.

 

A few months later at our first dr appt for my youngest (broken finger) it was the same. Options, costs, Inc,using some homeopathic and Oriental medicine ideas, and we picked. Empowering, but scary for someone used to being told exactly what to do with no option in the us.

 

Then years later we move back, and my oldest son got sick. We went to the er as he was crying saying it hurt to breathe- he's a big tough 14 year old, so not normal, at all. Pneumonia, a hospital stay. But GAH, the drs and nurses! No warning about an iv, just slam it in, taking him away to X-ray without telling me (let alone asking!), just wheeling him out with no word to me. So very different, and so frustrating! The dr acted like I was wasting her time, when I asked a question.

 

And the costs-! We have very good insurance, but for er we submit a bill, though it is covered 100 percent. Astronomical, for the er, X-ray, hospital stay.

 

 

[elfgivas]

we are on our fourth country....

 

dds were 2yrs old, and then 3 and 5, and then 4 and 6, and then 11 and 14....

 

one thing that helped all of us was Bill Bryson's book, I'm a Stranger Here Myself. it talks about his return to the usa after 20 yrs in britain.

 

his sense of humour helped us thru a lot. he indirectly named the issues, and treated them in a humourous fashion.

 

things that helped us adapt to the usa:

a) we chose a rural setting

B) we worked intentionally on security (i had never locked a car or a house before moving here)

c) we did fun things in the first month that we couldn't have done elsewhere (eg. disneyland, yosemite)

d) we chose not to have commercial television

e) we still shopped each day and cooked from scratch

f) we chose to homeschool

 

and i just can't talk, even yet, about health care and guns...

 

its a journey. be gentle with yourself.

ann

[Lanny]

@Sisyphus I believe most people in the USA, if they were to receive medical care in Latin America, would be astonished by the differences in the care and in the cost. Doctors do things here, that in the USA a doctor would have a nurse or receptionist do. To be an M.D. in the USA is not a fun thing and many of them are retiring, much earlier than they had planned. BTW, here in Colombia, Medical School and Law School are Undergraduate careers, so there are some very young specialists, who have incredibly good experience. To be a doctor in Colombia is very stressful, but to be a doctor in the USA, the stress is at a much higher level. One of my doctors (Gastroenterologist) moved to the USA. He will earn far more money there, but, he will pay for it, with the stress and the lifestyle. I suspect if he could change history, he would have stayed here.

 

And about the hospitals in the USA. Being a hospital patient is never fun, but here, again, they are more caring in Latin America.

When DD was born, a scheduled C section was necessary. My wife's OB-GYN was there, another highly qualified OB-GYN was there, to be the "assistant" (he was the OB-GYN of my #1 doctor's wife and their daughter), an M.D. Anesthesiologist was there, and the Pediatrician was there. I was in the surgical suite, because my wife wanted me there, and there were also 1 or 2 assistants there. Surgical assistant and possibly a nurse.

 

After going to an Ophthalmologist in Texas, for approximately 25 years, I asked him to call me "Lanny" and not "Mr. ...... He explained to me, that in Medical School, they are taught to be distant from their patients. I don't think that is good for the patients and it probably isn't good for the doctors either.

 

This is mostly OT, however, it is something the OP and her family will face after they move to the USA.

[TheReader]

Lanny, you make some excellent points and raise almost all the concerns I share about our departure from Brazil. The food....the health care...the availability of certain medications.....ugh. Here in Brazil, our doctor actually scolded us when we did not call and bother him about an ear infection (in me, not one of the kids) over a holiday weekend and instead waited until Monday. It wasn't painful, not a huge deal, and we knew he wasn't in the office. He scolded us, saying that we had his cell phone number, home number and office number, all three, for a reason -- use them! Not to mention that the custom in Brazil is that Doctors and such are referred to as Dr. FirstName, rather than Dr. LastName. HUGE difference that really symbolizes/showcases the difference in attitude between the two countries.

 

Vet care, too. When our little kitten was struck with an unusual virus (well, a normal virus, under unusual circumstances), the vet called in a veterinary eye specialist in hopes that maybe, just maybe, the vision loss wasn't a sign of the feared (terminal) virus. When this eye specialist, who came out on a weekend, examined our cat and realized that it was, in fact, the terminal virus, he had to fight back tears as he gave us the sad news. He had never met us, never seen our cat before, but it really got to him. He wound up not charging for his visit, despite the fact it was a special call, on a weekend. Can you imagine that in the US???? never.

 

On the plus side, I am very much looking forward to no longer having to be a closet hs'er and returning to the land of support for such things, but yes, the transition is going to be hard on all of us, for so many reasons.

[TheReader]

we are on our fourth country....

 

dds were 2yrs old, and then 3 and 5, and then 4 and 6, and then 11 and 14....

 

one thing that helped all of us was Bill Bryson's book, I'm a Stranger Here Myself. it talks about his return to the usa after 20 yrs in britain.

 

his sense of humour helped us thru a lot. he indirectly named the issues, and treated them in a humourous fashion.

 

things that helped us adapt to the usa:

a) we chose a rural setting

B) we worked intentionally on security (i had never locked a car or a house before moving here)

c) we did fun things in the first month that we couldn't have done elsewhere (eg. disneyland, yosemite)

d) we chose not to have commercial television

e) we still shopped each day and cooked from scratch

f) we chose to homeschool

 

and i just can't talk, even yet, about health care and guns...

 

its a journey. be gentle with yourself.

ann

 

these are good tips, thank you! Especially the book suggestion -- putting that on my reading list and my son's reading list, for sure. thanks!

[mommaduck]

like the others, re-entry was more difficult. Even as an adult I find a "safe" comfort zone in simply looking odd and being an obvious different person that doesn't being over looking like I belong and people expecting me to know all the unwritten social rules and expectations. As a kid, no one ever asked me about my TC experience, they didn't care, I was supposed to pretend it hadn't existed. My stepdad would get mad because I didn't automatically fit in and with the "right" people (to him this was white people...um, I was used to being the minority and my experience coming back was that white people were mean). Let your kid be who they are.

[maize]

Moving "back home" for a TCK is more complex than moving to a new foreign country. Being a foreigner in some place where everyone knows you are a foreigner and expects you to act/speak/think differently and be unfamiliar with things is easier than being a foreigner some place where you're supposed to belong and fit in. I don't know what you can do to prepare them, other than making them aware of the challenges ahead, letting them know it is normal to feel out of place and out of sync, and providing lots of understanding and support.

 

It is a tough transition, but the experiences they have had of living in a different country and the experience they will have of coming back to the States as a TCK will enrich their lives immensely and give them perspective and understanding that most children don't have the chance to develop.

[Lisa R.]

May I offer another perspective? I attended a college that had many missionary kids and others from foreign countries. One of the things I noted was a tendency of the TCK to frequently be critical of the states and praise the country in which they grew up. It did not increase our awareness of the beauty of their country and the downfalls of ours. I just saw it as criticism over and over again.

 

I see now that it was part of the journey they were traveling as they navigated culture shock and homesickness. However, at the time the TCK did sometimes alienate themselves from others as they could come across judgmental and condemning to those of us who were happy and enjoyed our country.

 

Now that I am older, I can see more clearly what was happening. I just share this to show when kids openly compare the differences and promote one country over the one in which they are now living, could likely cause strain in the new relationships they will seek to form.

 

I'm even seeing this dynamic happening on this thread. When I hear that medical care is so much better in other countries, I think to myself, "People all over the world come to America for world-class medical care. They don't go to those places like they do here." Oftentimes I would wonder to myself that if their country is so wonderful, why did they come back here?

 

Most of those who grew up here love our imperfect country. There are good reasons people clamor to get into our country.

[TammyinTN]

I definitely believe in TCK....it's me who's having the problems. Our family has been back 16 months, and I really just can't seem to adjust. I don't even know how to put into words how I feel about being back. It's just not working for me here, but the kids and hubby seem fine.

[maize]

@Sisyphus I believe most people in the USA, if they were to receive medical care in Latin America, would be astonished by the differences in the care and in the cost. Doctors do things here, that in the USA a doctor would have a nurse or receptionist do. To be an M.D. in the USA is not a fun thing and many of them are retiring, much earlier than they had planned. BTW, here in Colombia, Medical School and Law School are Undergraduate careers, so there are some very young specialists, who have incredibly good experience. To be a doctor in Colombia is very stressful, but to be a doctor in the USA, the stress is at a much higher level. One of my doctors (Gastroenterologist) moved to the USA. He will earn far more money there, but, he will pay for it, with the stress and the lifestyle. I suspect if he could change history, he would have stayed here.

 

And about the hospitals in the USA. Being a hospital patient is never fun, but here, again, they are more caring in Latin America.

When DD was born, a scheduled C section was necessary. My wife's OB-GYN was there, another highly qualified OB-GYN was there, to be the "assistant" (he was the OB-GYN of my #1 doctor's wife and their daughter), an M.D. Anesthesiologist was there, and the Pediatrician was there. I was in the surgical suite, because my wife wanted me there, and there were also 1 or 2 assistants there. Surgical assistant and possibly a nurse.

 

After going to an Ophthalmologist in Texas, for approximately 25 years, I asked him to call me "Lanny" and not "Mr. ...... He explained to me, that in Medical School, they are taught to be distant from their patients. I don't think that is good for the patients and it probably isn't good for the doctors either.

 

This is mostly OT, however, it is something the OP and her family will face after they move to the USA.

 

My experience in Latin America was in some of the poorer countries. In Nicaragua, quality health care was only available to those with significant money. My parents helped a family who had lost one child to cholera and was going to lose another child to the same treatable infection. This little boy was in a hospital in a large ward with many patients, not clean, and medication was only available if the family went out and purchased it and brought it in. The medical staff didn't know how to start an IV in such a small child, they said the veins were too small. My parents were able to get an American nurse involved, and the little boy recovered.

[EKS]

For those of you who have lived and/or raised children abroad, is re-entry really as shocking as my research has lead me to believe? All four of my children have lived in Mexico most of their lives. I made it a point to go see grandpa in San It also occurred to me that my son has already realized that he may be very different than other 14 y/o boys raised in the states. He doesn't understand why some boys wear their pants blow their bums. He really doesn't get why many (not all) American teens use so much slang, talk back to and even yell at parents or other adults, and why so many people are seen using their cell phones when they are out eating with their family. These are just some of his observations from recent trips to the U.S.

 

No advice or experience, but my sons, being homeschooled most of their lives, don't understand these things either.

[stripe]

IMHO, the morals, or lack of morals, in the USA; will be the biggest hurdle and obstacle for your family members.

 

You can adjust to the lower standard of living, the weather, the food, etc., much easier than to the morals.

....

You need to teach your children, about the perverts in the USA. I don’t know how you can do that, without scaring them, but the local police departments usually have web sites showing where the registered sex offenders live.

I find this surprising for a few reasons

* I know plenty of people from a variety of poor countries (on different continents) who were molested or almost molested by perverts as kids. Sorry, this is not a US thing. As an example, my husband had several classmates in school who were impregnated by a teacher (the same man). Often strong feelings of obeying elders and hiding shameful behavior leads to zero reporting of such issues, and the only justice may be meted out by the father of the victim. However, it is common for the parents never to know.

* I think many Americans are very law-abiding on some issues, for example traffic laws, littering laws, and other orderly behavior. They also have an expectation of justice, whereas in many other countries, justice and police assistance (if available) is based exclusively on ability to pay. I also do not believe that most people around the world don't do any number of things; they may just be more private about them. There are lots of prostitutes and men who visit them around the world, they just might dress more conservatively or not street-walk. For example, I read an article recently about the decline of brothels in India and how this is likely to increase HIV rates as health workers cannot find prostitutes so easily. They interviewed one woman who is an independent prostitute (no pimp, no brothel) who is married with children, and her husband does not know about her side occupation, and neither do the neighbors.

 

ETA The article was "Indian Prostitutes' New Autonomy Imperils AIDS Fight" in NY Times, Nov 24, 2012.

[Heather in Neverland]

May I offer another perspective? I attended a college that had many missionary kids and others from foreign countries. One of the things I noted was a tendency of the TCK to frequently be critical of the states and praise the country in which they grew up. It did not increase our awareness of the beauty of their country and the downfalls of ours. I just saw it as criticism over and over again.

 

I see now that it was part of the journey they were traveling as they navigated culture shock and homesickness. However, at the time the TCK did sometimes alienate themselves from others as they could come across judgmental and condemning to those of us who were happy and enjoyed our country.

 

Now that I am older, I can see more clearly what was happening. I just share this to show when kids openly compare the differences and promote one country over the one in which they are now living, could likely cause strain in the new relationships they will seek to form.

 

I'm even seeing this dynamic happening on this thread. When I hear that medical care is so much better in other countries, I think to myself, "People all over the world come to America for world-class medical care. They don't go to those places like they do here." Oftentimes I would wonder to myself that if their country is so wonderful, why did they come back here?

 

Most of those who grew up here love our imperfect country. There are good reasons people clamor to get into our country.

 

I am currently an expat and I agree with this.

 

The one thing I told my ds when we moved here (he had just turned 11) was, "It is ok to love both America AND Malaysia."

 

When we first moved here it was almost as if he felt disloyal to America by liking Malaysia and so he criticized our new home a lot. Now that we have been here 4 years he says this feels more like home to him. I was happy, though, last summer when we visited the states to see him acknowledging the good and the bad in both countries rather than bad-mouthing one of them.

 

Another thing I see in TCKs all the time is an attitude of superiority over being "well-traveled" as compared to many Americans who have never left the country. While it is true that a huge benefit of living abroad is having a more global perspective, you won't win friends by lording it over them.

 

Also, be prepared for people to get sick of hearing about the country you came from really quickly. This was an eye-opener for me last summer during our visit. We came armed with pics and videos and brimming with stories to tell and only a very small fraction of family and friends were actually interested. The rest listened politely but you could tell they weren't that interested. For some reason I thought they would be but I had to come to the realization that moving abroad was my decision, not theirs. So while I may find life in Asia endlessly fascinating, they really don't.

 

 

[TheReader]

May I offer another perspective? I attended a college that had many missionary kids and others from foreign countries. One of the things I noted was a tendency of the TCK to frequently be critical of the states and praise the country in which they grew up. It did not increase our awareness of the beauty of their country and the downfalls of ours. I just saw it as criticism over and over again.

 

I see now that it was part of the journey they were traveling as they navigated culture shock and homesickness. However, at the time the TCK did sometimes alienate themselves from others as they could come across judgmental and condemning to those of us who were happy and enjoyed our country.

 

Now that I am older, I can see more clearly what was happening. I just share this to show when kids openly compare the differences and promote one country over the one in which they are now living, could likely cause strain in the new relationships they will seek to form.

 

I'm even seeing this dynamic happening on this thread. When I hear that medical care is so much better in other countries, I think to myself, "People all over the world come to America for world-class medical care. They don't go to those places like they do here." Oftentimes I would wonder to myself that if their country is so wonderful, why did they come back here?

 

Most of those who grew up here love our imperfect country. There are good reasons people clamor to get into our country.

 

You make a valid point; we have been very careful while in Brazil to only give the diplomatic answer to Brazilians when they ask us if we like Brazil. I'll remind my boys to do the same when back in the US; just because we are Americans, moving home, doesn't necessarily mean we need to broadcast all the "right now we find the US inferior because..." (which is, as you noted, really just a manifestation of homesickness for the host country we'll leave behind).

 

As for the medical care, *for my experience*, Brazil is a place people flock to for certain things (in particular, cosmetic surgery). Maybe it's not so much that the healthcare is better....just....much more personalized, as the example I gave. I didn't mean it as a slam on the US; we are returning for a reason, of course, and mostly glad to be going home. I was just sharing it as a "yes! I will definitely miss xyz thing about Brazil when we are home!" statement. But you are right, I need (we all need) to be careful how I word that in the future.

 

As for, if the host country is so wonderful, why come back....? In a lot of cases (including ours), the job transfer that took you to the foreign country was a temporary thing and time is up, so you return to the job in the US. This is a HUGE factor in feelings of mixed emotions for people; if the leaving comes as a surprise, or at a time when they aren't quite ready to leave, or whatever, it makes the struggle of returning so much harder. The simple truth is, not all ex-pats or TCKs have a say so in the timing of going and coming. Even for missionaries, maybe funding runs out, or a health crisis arises, or in the case of students it could be a college-aged student returning to the US for university (maybe even while leaving the family behind in the foreign country), or a family returning so that the near-college-aged student can acclimate to the US before also having to acclimate to college, etc. So, it very well may be that a person, student, family is returning due to circumstances beyond his/her/their control, which of course exacerbates the situations & comments you described.

 

I hope the people we meet on our return will be patient with us as we adjust. We all, as a family, have very mixed feelings about the return.

[TheReader]

I am currently an expat and I agree with this.

 

The one thing I told my ds when we moved here (he had just turned 11) was, "It is ok to love both America AND Malaysia."

 

When we first moved here it was almost as if he felt disloyal to America by liking Malaysia and so he criticized our new home a lot. Now that we have been here 4 years he says this feels more like home to him. I was happy, though, last summer when we visited the states to see him acknowledging the good and the bad in both countries rather than bad-mouthing one of them.

 

Another thing I see in TCKs all the time is an attitude of superiority over being "well-traveled" as compared to many Americans who have never left the country. While it is true that a huge benefit of living abroad is having a more global perspective, you won't win friends by lording it over them.

 

Also, be prepared for people to get sick of hearing about the country you came from really quickly. This was an eye-opener for me last summer during our visit. We came armed with pics and videos and brimming with stories to tell and only a very small fraction of family and friends were actually interested. The rest listened politely but you could tell they weren't that interested. For some reason I thought they would be but I had to come to the realization that moving abroad was my decision, not theirs. So while I may find life in Asia endlessly fascinating, they really don't.

 

re: the last paragraph, yes, that's been our experience as well. When people ask, "How's Brazil?" we've found that all they really want to hear is "Oh, man, the beaches are fantastic! We love it!" Then they want to know do we really speak Portuguese (yes), are the kids adjusting (yes), and then it's topic over, onto something more locally interesting to them. -sigh-

[Jean in Newcastle]

I've been getting together with other TCKs yearly for the last 20+ years. There are times when someone in our group will call or e-mail because "only another TCK would understand this". It gives me a safe place to talk about my mixed feelings etc. I just met someone last month who is a TCK from another continent. We still had instant rapport and she immediately started talking about some of those issues that no one else would get.

[Amy in TX]

You need to teach your children, about the perverts in the USA. I don’t know how you can do that, without scaring them, but the local police departments usually have web sites showing where the registered sex offenders live.

 

 

You need to teach your children this no matter where you go. The fact that there are registered sex offender websites is an indication that the problem is being addressed publicly rather than swept under the rug, NOT an indication that there are more child molesters in the US than in other places.

 

Like Stripe said above, it most certainly goes on everywhere. When my children were young and we were contemplating a trip to my dh's place of birth, not one but several women we know from that country privately told me never to leave my children with anyone there, no matter how trusted, because child molestation happens and there is no recourse.

 

I seriously doubt that it is not also a problem in Colombia, even if, like in so many other places, it isn't on the public radar.

[mommaduck]

Jean, is there a group?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Jean, is there a group?

 

This is just a group of people in our area. We got together at a cultural event years and years ago and then just kept meeting.

[mommaduck]

ah, bummer.

[KungFuPanda]

Somewhere in the back of your mind you'll have to remember that LOTS of people feel lke they 'don't belong.' You'll want to be careful, especially with teens, not to blame everything on the move. My sister is coping with this with her daughter now, but this kid has the personality type that would be more angsty than average even if she lived in one place her whole life. I'm watching her blame every teen insecurity on her parents moving her around the world. I'm SURE it's a big part of it, but she's ignoring some issues that every teen has to cope with on her own situation.