What Is A Guest? Responsibilities?

[lavender's green]

A guest is anyone who doesn't live here.

 

I expect them to at least pick up after themselves and follow normal houseguest ettiquette. And because I'm in the making babies stage of life, I do expect them to pitch in, otherwise I do nothing but cook, wash dishes, and breastfeed. :glare:

 

Oh, and they are not to complain about food. :glare: Or how boring it is here. When I'm freaking post-partum and can barely walk don't complain that we're not doing anything exciting. :glare:

[J-rap]

I don't quite understand, because even "family" shouldn't come any time they want! (unless it's children or husband) And MIL would only come after a new baby if she is coming to HELP!

[unsinkable]

I don't quite understand, because even "family" shouldn't come any time they want! (unless it's children or husband) And MIL would only come after a new baby if she is coming to HELP!

 

 

Really?

 

A MIL cannot come see her new grandchild and simply to visit with her family?

 

She has to "HELP"?

 

I disagree with that.

[Parrothead]

Really?

 

A MIL cannot come see her new grandchild and simply to visit with her family?

 

She has to "HELP"?

 

I disagree with that.

 

Well, a MIL certainly shouldn't come and be a burden by expecting to be waited on when her DIL is just a few weeks postpartum.

[Hwin]

If people are visiting immediately after birth for an extended stay, something has to give. Either make it a short visit and be treated as a guest, or stick around and pitch in. I cannot entertain guests when I am newly postpartum. I am going to be on the couch with my boobs out if you hang around for more than 15 minutes.

 

I think the whole conversation of how a guest is supposed to behave/be treated is completely different where there isn't a newborn in the mix.

[LostSurprise]

I answered Other to the 'who is family?' question.

 

Frankly, there are people related to me who will never quite fit into the Family category and will always be Guests, either because I want to treat them that way as a way to honor them and give them a break (my mother/MIL/FIL) or because they don't know how to give in return and its easier to not expect much from them (certain extended family). There are also friends who understand how to make themselves family and slip the guest tag. I would classify them as Family because I define Family as how people act when living together. That means socializing, cleaning up after oneself, offering to help or joining in to clean.

 

I don't have any expectations on people who come to my home. It would be nice if they picked up after themselves. I think better of them if they do, but I don't expect it. Being in a strange person's home is a bit awkward, and expectations vary. I know my SIL thought I was selfish because I didn't just do chores at my in-laws right after I got married. Really, I didn't know the culture, what was allowable, where things were. It was awkward until I had more experience with them. Now I can just grab things and put them away. I know when and how to ask about things.

 

I think blood is only the vaguest way to define family. If your MIL doesn't know how to act as Family, then she can't expect to be treated as Family. She raised your husband and still gets the respect because of that, but she doesn't understand how to live with others so she never makes it to the next level.

[Hikin' Mama]

I've read some of your past posts and she doesn't qualify as anything other than a ginormous PITA! I say don't let her come for a long time after that baby is born. Having a newborn in the house is stressful enough!

[Impish]

My mil is great, too. She had dh very young, so she's only 19 years older than us, and still energetic and all that.

 

Imp, I think you are right to set some boundaries. I was wondering, how are you going to enforce her leaving at the end of her time? Will Wolf back you up?

Honestly, I don't know.

 

I'm not counting on being very available or sociable. Which means Wolf will be dealing w/her w/out my running intereference. I'm guessing that after 3 days of having MIL pretty much to himself, he'll be done and willing to take her to a hotel if need be.

 

And MIL will likely be pretty huffy if I'm not available to her. She's complained before about me laying down when she's there...after she's yanked on my bad arm and sent RSD through the roof. Rude of me, yanno? I don't think she'll deal w/me needing to rest very gracefully.

[Ellie]

Really?

 

A MIL cannot come see her new grandchild and simply to visit with her family?

 

She has to "HELP"?

 

I disagree with that.

 

So, if a MIL lives out of town, and she wants to come see the new grandchild, and on her own schedule, she should expect all the privileges of being a guest? Really?

[Tammyla]

You mil sounds like she wants to be considered family, but treated like a guest with no responsibilities or expectations of helping out. Pick your poison mil...you either help with kids, chores, cooking, clean-up and pampering the new momma or you are a guest and guest get to visit when it's convenient to cater to them.

 

 

I vote for telling her she needs to get a hotel or she'll be expected to actually be nice and pitch in. Oh, and there will be a chore list! :lol:

[Danestress]

I guess for me, it doesn't really matter whether you call her "family" or "guest." Even my son coming home from college might have been treated as a "guest" for a short visit (I did the cooking and care taking and expected little of him) but quickly was treated as "part of the team" if he was home for longer. If your MIL is only allowed to come for 3 days, treat her as an honored guest, but call her family. If she's your DH's mother, she's family to both of you, but "family" doesn't mean you get to take advantage of people by coming as you please, and "guest" doesn't mean you get the royal treatment if you come for more than a couple of days.

 

It sounds like you have a decent plan - setting firm boundaries, having Wolf home from work, etc. That's great for a few days. Obviously you need some assurance that she's going to leave when she is supposed to, though. Are you a little afraid she just won't leave?

 

I personally think a Mom who just had a baby should be the one who calls the shots and gets pampered a little, but it's hard when a MIL is in her mid 80s. My Mom and MIL are both still in their 70s and I can't imagine expecting them to cook and clean for me even in the worse of circumstances. But you obviously aren't expecting that. It sounds like you are fine indulging her as long as she leaves when she is supposed to, so figure out with Wolf how to make that happen!

[unsinkable]

I don't quite understand, because even "family" shouldn't come any time they want! (unless it's children or husband) And MIL would only come after a new baby if she is coming to HELP!

 

 

Really?

 

A MIL cannot come see her new grandchild and simply to visit with her family?

 

She has to "HELP"?

 

I disagree with that.

 

 

So, if a MIL lives out of town, and she wants to come see the new grandchild, and on her own schedule, she should expect all the privileges of being a guest? Really?

 

I'm not sure if you are extending the conversation or playing gotcha with me or what...?

 

But, as you can see, I don't think a MIL's only reason come see a new baby is to help. Does it matter where the MIL lives? I don't think it should.

 

It is the baby's family's CHOICE of how to treat the MIL once she arrives.

[Impish]

I don't ever, have never, expected MIL to help out. Ever.

 

This is the first time I've had to figure out how to accomodate her w/a newborn and post partum issues. All my other kids were fall-winter babies, and MIL won't travel during that time.

 

Honestly, I can't imagine asking her to do anything. Closest I've ever come is when she told me my house was a disaster...and I told her to tie an arm behind her back and see how well *she* did. (House wasn't a mess, btw, she was just her usual critical self)

[dirty ethel rackham]

I haven't read all the other replies, but here is my take ...

 

If someone is recuperating from childbirth, illness, surgery, hospitalization, etc., they are not up to receiving guests for more than 15 minutes. Anyone who is not going to help the infirm by waiting on them hand and foot would be considered a guest, and therefore, not welcome for more than 15 minutes (and there needs to be a "bouncer" to get rid of the guest when the time is up :sneaky2: .) Your MIL may call herself family, but she acts like a guest (actually more like undeserved royalty) and is therefore, not welcome until you say she it. Period. End of statement. No more discussion. Make Wolf be your bouncer.

 

When I taught childbirth classes, I would tell couples that, until a mom was up to waiting on guests (like after at least 6 weeks), she should greet all visitors in her bathrobe. It is a good reminder to visitors to keep things short and sweet. I also told them to accept any and all reasonable offers of help. If someone comes to visit in the first 2 weeks, they had better either have a bag of groceries, dinner in hand, or do a load of laundry. If they cannot do that, then they'd better bring someone with them who could or just not come at all.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Even my mother, who is the world's best Grandma and a Queen of Pitching In, stays at a hotel when they come for several days. When we were all younger, everybody seemed to have this idea that it wasn't real love if you didn't stay with family, so that's what we all did, even when we traveled around the globe to see each other. (Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings...) Even if that meant that all the kids gave up their beds and even some adults had to sleep on the floor! About 10 years ago we collectively changed religion on that. Comfort is #1 priority, because well-rested people who have enough down time are better company.

 

Putting somebody up in a hotel 5 minutes from your house is not a lack of hospitality. It is a show of hospitality. There's more than way to conduct a visit.

[Impish]

Obviously you need some assurance that she's going to leave when she is supposed to, though. Are you a little afraid she just won't leave?

 

 

Yes, that is a concern.

 

Honestly, though...she doesn't enjoy us. She doesn't like the kids. There's nothing we do that is ever right. I feed my family meat, therefore I'm condemning them to Hell. The kids are too loud, too busy, etc. She doesn't like Wolf and I being affectionate w/each other, or w/the kids, she gets jealous. We refuse to give in to her ridiculous demands of everything revolving around her, of making the children be silent mice or shadows, and she gets frustrated and angry.

 

As much as she talks, hints, etc about moving in w/us, the reality of it is, she couldn't handle that, as we're unable and unwilling to completely restructure our lives to her satisfaction.

 

I'm hoping that a 3 day stay will satisfy her needs for photo ops, bragging rights, and will be enough.

[Impish]

Even my mother, who is the world's best Grandma and a Queen of Pitching In, stays at a hotel when they come for several days. When we were all younger, everybody seemed to have this idea that it wasn't real love if you didn't stay with family, so that's what we all did, even when we traveled around the globe to see each other. (Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings...) Even if that meant that all the kids gave up their beds and even some adults had to sleep on the floor! About 10 years ago we collectively changed religion on that. Comfort is #1 priority, because well-rested people who have enough down time are better company.

 

Putting somebody up in a hotel 5 minutes from your house is not a lack of hospitality. It is a show of hospitality. There's more than way to conduct a visit.

 

We can't afford to pay for a hotel for her.

[Danestress]

We can't afford to pay for a hotel for her.

 

 

 

And honestly, would the rest of you really put a woman in her mid 80s alone in a hotel? I wouldn't. I think most women that age would be afraid. I mean, I guess if you know your own relatives and this is something they like and are comfortable with, and if you can afford it, great. But I think that would be scary for a lot of women in their 80s.

[MFA323]

Normally I consider anyone who doesn't live in my house to be a guest. I expect guests to keep up with their own personal belongings and to hang up their own towels, preferably make their own beds, etc. That's it. They don't have to help with chores, meal prep, or the kids. When my mom or MIL is here after I have a baby, that's a different thing. She's here to help, so she takes on a lot of my normal duties.

[Danestress]

I'm hoping that a 3 day stay will satisfy her needs for photo ops, bragging rights, and will be enough.

 

 

I hope so too! I'm in the school of "You can live with anything for three days," but it absolutely, positively, could not under any circumstances become 3 months or I would become a run away wife!

[J-rap]

Well, maybe I worded that too quickly. :) Of course a MIL should be able to come and visit her new grandchild, absolutely! But if she is coming for a prolonged stay and expects to be treated as a guest and waited on, that's what I was referring to. I was lucky in that my MIL came after my two youngest were born, when I also had 3 or 4 others under the age of 6. She stayed for a couple weeks each time, and really felt it was her job to help out in any way that she could, whether it was reading to the other children so I could have more time with the new baby, or bathing the new baby, or helping to feed the kids lunch so that I could sleep after an exhausting night. I'm not saying that she waited on me hand and foot, but she was not a burden at all, her presence was a huge help to me because she had an attitude of trying to make our lives more peaceful during that time. She did also enjoy time with her new grandchild.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

 

 

And honestly, would the rest of you really put a woman in her mid 80s alone in a hotel? I wouldn't. I think most women that age would be afraid. I mean, I guess if you know your own relatives and this is something they like and are comfortable with, and if you can afford it, great. But I think that would be scary for a lot of women in their 80s.

 

 

If said 80-year-old woman was coming uninvited and had a history of abusing me and my children physically, emotionally, and mentally, then the #1 priority would be to not let her live in my home for any length of time. If I thought she would physically harm me or terrorize my children or not let me sleep for fear that she'd do something awful when I wasn't looking, then I would see her as a danger and I wouldn't let her in to my children's safe haven except for short bursts of time during which I could be 100% vigilant.

 

So, yes, if I allowed her to come at all it would have to be a hotel. And her grown son could stay with her if he was concerned about her safety or welfare there. She could pay for it (or at least split the cost) or stay home. If neither party could afford even half the cost, then the home visit could be reduced to an amount of time that works for the host. One day instead of three, for example, with the understanding that she will be driven to the airport or the bus station at the end of the time.

 

Every elderly person is precious and I wouldn't willfully endanger any senior citizen. But I wouldn't subject my children to an abuser in their own home, either.

 

Imp, if I have misunderstood the extent of her power or desire to abuse you and your children, then I sincerely apologize.

[unsinkable]

As I see it, this thread is mixing the general idea of guests and responsibilities and the very specific guest of Imp's MIL.

 

So it's hard to answer in a general way knowing the extensive specific background.

 

 

 

[Dandelion]

As I see it, this thread is mixing the general idea of guests and responsibilities and the very specific guest of Imp's MIL.

 

So it's hard to answer in a general way knowing the extensive specific background.

 

I agree. How most of us would treat a guest under normal circumstances doesn't really apply to Imp's specific situation.

[Swimtaxi234]

From reading a lot of your posts regarding your MIL, it seems you don't like her, respect her, and/or want to be within 25 feet of her since you consider her to be toxic to your health. Your MIL probably isn't a stranger to your feelings since you express them here so much.

 

Based on that, I would get the support of your husband and email her a list of nearby hotels and their rates. Tell her that you are the sole care taker to your children and don't have an extra second to cater to her needs during your recovery which is why you are offering the hotel list and a short visit from her a few months later.

[Swimtaxi234]

For the record, I don't expect a guest (anyone entering my home regardless of family connections, etc.) to lift a finger, but with that said, I think I was the luckiest person on the planet when my mother stayed with us after I gave birth because she took care of everything.

[Impish]

If said 80-year-old woman was coming uninvited and had a history of abusing me and my children physically, emotionally, and mentally, then the #1 priority would be to not let her live in my home for any length of time. If I thought she would physically harm me or terrorize my children or not let me sleep for fear that she'd do something awful when I wasn't looking, then I would see her as a danger and I wouldn't let her in to my children's safe haven except for short bursts of time during which I could be 100% vigilant.

 

So, yes, if I allowed her to come at all it would have to be a hotel. And her grown son could stay with her if he was concerned about her safety or welfare there. She could pay for it (or at least split the cost) or stay home. If neither party could afford even half the cost, then the home visit could be reduced to an amount of time that works for the host. One day instead of three, for example, with the understanding that she will be driven to the airport or the bus station at the end of the time.

 

Every elderly person is precious and I wouldn't willfully endanger any senior citizen. But I wouldn't subject my children to an abuser in their own home, either.

 

Imp, if I have misunderstood the extent of her power or desire to abuse you and your children, then I sincerely apologize.

 

She's never physically abused the kids. Me, if left alone in a room w/her, she will yank the carp out of my bad arm, given the chance.

 

I wouldn't say she's abusive to the kids...her criticisms are about them, yes, but directed towards me, not at them personally. If allowed, she'd treat Diva as a 2nd class citizen, but that's been dealt w/, and she knows if she attempts that carp, she's gone. Her fits and sulks again tend to be if she has Wolf or I alone. She doesn't like having an audience to back up the person she's having her fit w/.

 

she wants to be in control, absolutely. She's narcisstic, and wants to be the centre of attention at all times, and will take her fits out on us...but she hasn't been out and out nasty w/the kids. I don't think she's malicious, in terms of desiring to cause harm the way my mother thrived on it, but she wants what she wants when she wants it, and will completely melt down if anyone denies her. She will lie, and manipulate to gain her ends, but that's w/us, not the kids so much.

 

Basically, she's critical, ignoring, demanding w/the kids, but hasn't crossed the line to abusive imo.

[Orthodox6]

I have not ever read any posting of a positive relationship with your MIL -- (the "blame" sits on her shoulders, from anything I can remember) -- so I would not even have her in the house to stay until you have recovered physically and emotionally from the birth. The posted "history" seems to explain why she visits as "a guest" rather than as "family". (Boy howdy do I feel for you, too!) (In addition, I am waaay past-due on offering my congratulations to you on the baby!)

 

Visiting the baby on the days you select as suitable for your immediate family situation sounds wise. I'm not one to advocate "elder abuse"; however, if she turns up on the doorstep, I do not think you responsible for taking her in to stay. I'm influenced to say this because if she is financially able, and sufficiently mobile (physically) to show up without invitation, she is able to return home with equal ease.

 

For a healthy grandmother to come visit a post-partum mother and NOT help as much as she can . . . ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

 

As for the original poll, nobody ever has stayed with us who was not welcomed with love and open arms because he or she already is considered "family", with all "rights and privileges appertaining." Blood kin or no blood tie. Nor has a sponge ever stayed with us.

[dsmith]

I would expect a guest to pick up after themselves, but that's it. I actually prefer a guest to not help out with dishes and such. My mother came after ds was born specifically to help, and she did help. It was great because I was worn out after ds's birth. My mil came a few days before the birth to help get the house extra clean, and stayed while I was in the hospital. She had her friend who lived near us come and help. I don't know why I came home to such a mess, lol. I walked in the door and was a bit taken aback at the mess. Not dirty, but very untidy, which it wasn't before I went in to the hospital. Not what I wanted to see with a newborn. Dh spent that night and the next morning tidying up.

[Brilliant]

lol My MIL was lovely. I am not just saying that because she died two years ago of cancer. She was fantastic. She used to bring me cooked chicken, mashed potatoes, soup, veggies, salad. I mean, at around 3 pm in the afternoon, when the I was doing laundry or chasing little children, she (and my fil) would bring a cooked supper to my home.

 

And I mean just kiss me, drop it off, and go.

 

I miss her like crazy. And not because of her food.

 

I miss her because she was thoughtful and undemanding.

 

Even when my house was a mess, and the kids were gross & sticky, she would tell me I was a wonderful mother and my kids were darling. I am grateful that all of my children were old enough to understand her degree of fab at the time of her death. Amazing memories. We know we totally lucked out. I don't expect I could ever be a fraction as lovely as a grandmother. She was very special.

 

Thank you for sharing this. I could have written this about my MIL who died last year of cancer. Except mine didn't cook. :) But she loved us so much - crazy unconditionally - and I miss that.

[Brilliant]

So many of you have mentioned that you don't expect guests to help out. Really, not at all? When you are a guest at someone's home, don't you expect to help with dishes & such? My favorite guests are the ones who say, "let me make the salad while you get the chicken in the oven." Isn't that normal/polite/expected? :confused1:

[alef]

The only people who are welcome to stay at my home within two months of a baby being born are people who are here to help. That has at various times included my mother, mother-in-law, and adult nieces. In each case, they spent the visit cooking, cleaning my house, doing laundry, and taking care of my older children. If someone wants to just visit as a guest they can come at a more convenient time.

[violamama]

It doesn't matter what your expectations (i.e. sane and reasonable) are in this situation. Her expectations trump yours, sadly. You're right about not changing her now and not cutting her out in her mid-80's. Plan for her to live to 100, btw. You know she will.

 

I'm sorry you have to add this!

 

Will your hubs be on family leave? I hope so. At least he can run interference. Can he take her OUT for some of the time/days? ...and I don't mean take her OUT out. :-)

[Impish]

yes, Wolf has to take parental leave due to my having RSD. So he'll be home full time. He's been told that the #1 rule is that I'm not to be left alone w/MIL. He needs to go out shopping, he takes her along...and/or I'll be in our room til he gets back, whatever has to happen.

[Lisbeth]

I don't accept the "family card." Family should still have to play by the same rules as is dictated by polite society...which means, not inviting yourself to someone's house.

 

The guest/help idea gets tricky with new babies. So often a grandparent will want to come "help" with the baby - but what they mean is - hold the baby while the new mom does the housework. To me, if they come under the guise of "helping" - then they should really help - laundry, dishes, errands, etc. However under normal circumstances, I wouldn't expect a guess to do those things.

 

I really dislike the "family card." I know I am a broken record but family status does not equal diplomatic immunity in my book.

[Tammyla]

She's never physically abused the kids. Me, if left alone in a room w/her, she will yank the carp out of my bad arm, given the chance.

 

I wouldn't say she's abusive to the kids...her criticisms are about them, yes, but directed towards me, not at them personally. If allowed, she'd treat Diva as a 2nd class citizen, but that's been dealt w/, and she knows if she attempts that carp, she's gone. Her fits and sulks again tend to be if she has Wolf or I alone. She doesn't like having an audience to back up the person she's having her fit w/.

 

she wants to be in control, absolutely. She's narcisstic, and wants to be the centre of attention at all times, and will take her fits out on us...but she hasn't been out and out nasty w/the kids. I don't think she's malicious, in terms of desiring to cause harm the way my mother thrived on it, but she wants what she wants when she wants it, and will completely melt down if anyone denies her. She will lie, and manipulate to gain her ends, but that's w/us, not the kids so much.

 

Basically, she's critical, ignoring, demanding w/the kids, but hasn't crossed the line to abusive imo.

 

 

You know, that (the red highlighted above) would be a truly reasonable reason not to trust her with your children. It may be old age / dementia or just mean, but can you really trust her not to harm your kids? (She obviously doesn't adore them, and she is very capable of hurting you, when you frustrate her.)

 

Imo...Fwiw, I wouldn't trust her around the kids until I was up and around after the new little one arrives; a number of the elderly can be harmful to themselves and others,

[Greenmama2]

"guests" are not required to do anything other than pick up after themselves. "Family guests" are expected to pitch in, and they do. Any biological family members, extended or otherwise who don't offer to help are no longer welcome to stay as any sort of guest.

My mother can come any time. She is an enormous help whilst seemingly doing nothing & taking up little of our energy. My father & stepmother take up an enormous amount of energy, spend huge amounts of time "offering" to help but never actually do it. Thus, we are always busy when they want to come.

[jujsky]

If someone was coming to visit and stay with me after I gave birth, then blood or not, they're family. I would expect them to help out, or at the very least, not make additional work for me. If they're not into baby-care, fine, but they could entertain my other kids, make a meal, grab some take-out -- whatever. It's unreasonable to expect a new mother to entertain a guest. If they don't want to help, they're not staying here. If they want to come and just visit (translation: pop by for a couple hours) I'd treat them as an actual guest.

[Impish]

Like I said earlier, I've never dealt w/anyone staying after I've had a baby. MIL doesn't travel during fall-winter, and that's when the others were all born, so this is all new to me.

 

The thing w/MIL yanking on my arm...Honestly, it's like she's 'testing'. I don't know for sure, but the impression I get is that she doesn't believe that my disability is what we say it is, and she's trying to prove me a liar or something. It isn't done in a moment of anger, lashing out, or frustration, it's very calculated...or at least, that's how it seems to me. She's commented more than once that she doesn't understand how, w/all the prayer she's given, why I'm not better, which is why I think she disbelieves me.

 

She was busted about to grab me in front of one of Wolf's cousins before, and since then, only ever attempts it when I'm alone in a room w/her, which is why I avoid it whenever possible.

[Slartibartfast]

I had to quote this part because I cannot remember the last time a person declared their MIL a "reasonable" or a "pleasant" person on this board. To use both adjectives in the same sentence??? Either you're a troll or a bizarre anomaly. Either way, I'm marking this for posterity. :lol:

 

My MIL is pleasant. She gets anxious sometimes but she is generally reasonable. I love my MIL. :)

[TeacherZee]

All of my answers should be put in the context that Imp's MIL is a crazy lady and normal rules do not apply to her

 

 

Anyone who is at your house often enough to know where the coffee is is no longer a guest.

 

Guests have no responsibilities. Family and close friends ought to want to help out. That is just what t family and close friends do.

 

Your MIL should be helping out.

 

 

:iagree: This has always been the "rule" in my family. Also growing up friends were guests the first time they came to visit and therefore didn't have to even take their plate to the dishwasher. 2nd time they visit they are no longer guests and have to put their dishes in the dishwasher :tongue_smilie:

 

My sister had a baby last week :w00t: and I stayed with them Sunday to Monday. I was NOT a guest, my sister had specifically asked me to stay to help out with the new big sister (2.5 y.o.) as they had midwife and doctors appointments early on Monday. I played with big sister, cuddled little sister and pitched in where and when I could. I certainly cleaned up after myself (although I didn't load the dishwasher as my BIL is slightly OCD about that :tongue_smilie: ) and I didn't expect "guest" treatment. I left after lunch on Monday telling them to call me if they needed more help (I'm off from work this week). This is what works in MY family. Each family is different

[UrbanSue]

Anyone showing up at my house post-partum, whether they would normally be a "guest" or not would be expected to pull a lot of weight in terms of helping out.

 

And, really, anyone who is a guest in the home of small children should be pulling a lot of weight in terms of staying on top of their own stuff and helping out where they can.

[unsinkable]

Like I said earlier, I've never dealt w/anyone staying after I've had a baby. MIL doesn't travel during fall-winter, and that's when the others were all born, so this is all new to me.

 

The thing w/MIL yanking on my arm...Honestly, it's like she's 'testing'. I don't know for sure, but the impression I get is that she doesn't believe that my disability is what we say it is, and she's trying to prove me a liar or something. It isn't done in a moment of anger, lashing out, or frustration, it's very calculated...or at least, that's how it seems to me. She's commented more than once that she doesn't understand how, w/all the prayer she's given, why I'm not better, which is why I think she disbelieves me.

 

She was busted about to grab me in front of one of Wolf's cousins before, and since then, only ever attempts it when I'm alone in a room w/her, which is why I avoid it whenever possible.

 

 

She's testing the way an abuser tests to see how physically violent he can get with his victim.

 

 

 

 

[Aspasia]

I consider my mom and MIL guests, meaning that I don't expect anything from the beyond picking up after themselves. But the only reason I let them come when I have babies is that they are super helpful--they don't act like "guests", they act like...my mom. They take care of me and the house and the kids.

 

My stepmom, on the other hand, is a different story. She's marvelous and we adore her company, but she never had kids of her own and just isn't super duper helpful. We wait a few weeks to have her come visit after babies. :)

[Orthodox6]

I don't accept the "family card." Family should still have to play by the same rules as is dictated by polite society...which means, not inviting yourself to someone's house.

 

The guest/help idea gets tricky with new babies. So often a grandparent will want to come "help" with the baby - but what they mean is - hold the baby while the new mom does the housework. To me, if they come under the guise of "helping" - then they should really help - laundry, dishes, errands, etc. However under normal circumstances, I wouldn't expect a guess to do those things.

 

I really dislike the "family card." I know I am a broken record but family status does not equal diplomatic immunity in my book.

 

 

 

Nonetheless, some of us in the world -- many, I hope -- have close, loving, extended family groups of the kind which make your thoughts incomprehensible. I'm sorry if you do not.

[Aspasia]

 

 

I had to quote this part because I cannot remember the last time a person declared their MIL a "reasonable" or a "pleasant" person on this board. To use both adjectives in the same sentence??? Either you're a troll or a bizarre anomaly. Either way, I'm marking this for posterity. :lol:

 

 

My MIL is wonderful. She never criticizes me--like, ever, to anyone. Everyone tells me how highly she speaks of me. She never tries to get in our business or tell us what to do. And she's really, really helpful when she visits, postpartum or not. I'm extremely lucky in the MIL department.

 

So many of you have mentioned that you don't expect guests to help out. Really, not at all? When you are a guest at someone's home, don't you expect to help with dishes & such? My favorite guests are the ones who say, "let me make the salad while you get the chicken in the oven." Isn't that normal/polite/expected? :confused1:

 

 

I don't expect guests to help out beyond picking up after themselves, but when we are guests at other people's homes, we absolutely help--with dishes, meal prep, picking up, laundering our bedding before we leave. DH generally assumes the role of designated dish washer. Our hosts/hostesses almost always comment that they love having us come stay because their house is cleaner when we leave!

 

But we still don't expect the same from our guests. Just general awareness of their personal stuff.

[Brilliant]

"guests" are not required to do anything other than pick up after themselves. "Family guests" are expected to pitch in, and they do. Any biological family members, extended or otherwise who don't offer to help are no longer welcome to stay as any sort of guest.

...

 

Yes, this is the distinction I was having trouble with. We had a true "guest" a few months ago - this was not someone who regularly stays with us. I didn't expect ANYTHING from her.

 

But most of the time when people stay in our guest room, they are very close friends/family. They might come more than once per year, and stay for up to a week. They know where the coffee is, as another poster mentioned. So I do expect them to offer to help, or agree to help if I say, for instance, "Can you start a pot of coffee?"