My sister is going into surgery and I'm having a hard time processing this

[Guest inoubliable]

Please don't quote - I may delete later.

 

My sister was not feeling well on Saturday. At a family birthday party (that I was not aware of or invited to - this plays into my processing issue), she was talked into calling her doctor's on-call number. She ended up being rushed to the hospital and admitted. No one called me. Not until 11:30 at night when I got a text from my mother. She seemed surprised that I was still awake and almost a little nervous at telling me what was going on. As if I weren't supposed to know. *sigh* (This has happened before. Like when siblings get pregnant or when my brother and his family moved in with my parents - I'm usually not told for months after the fact. And, honestly, I am okay with this. I don't tell them things going on in my life and they don't want to know about what's going on in my life, either.) Fine. So I said that I hoped everything went well. She said she'd call me if there was an update. I wasn't holding my breath.

 

About an hour ago, she called to tell me that my sister was going into emergency surgery. That's it. I know what the medical problem is. I was given no other details but my mother seemed put out that I wasn't sobbing into the phone. I am pretty sure that I won't hear anything else unless something goes horribly wrong.

 

I am not close to my siblings. This is mutual. My brother and sister are close. I am fine with this. Of course I don't want my sister to die. I wouldn't want my brother to die. (In fact, I reached out to him at my mother's insistence a year ago when they found out he was morbidly obese and facing a multitude of health problems because of that. I tried three times and each time was rebuffed. I haven't spoken to him since then except for the Christmas thing.) Am I a horrible a-hole for not feeling much more beyond that? Thinking back on some of the things I've shared with you here, and knowing that I wasn't a part of their big family weekend, and that clearly my mother was going behind my sister's back in telling me what was going on - am I being a b!tch for not feeling more concerned??

 

I am not sure how to process this and so I've just been going about my day. I thought that if anyone could help me with these feelings (or lack of), I'd find that person(s) here.

[NotSoObvious]

No. I think your reaction is perfectly normal. I have similar family drama and I'm sure I'd feel the same way. It's hard to burst into tears for someone you don't have a relationship with. Sympathy? Of course. But you aren't all of a sudden going to have some deep attachment to someone just because she is sick.

[Guest inoubliable]

Thank you! Yes, that's exactly it. I couldn't quite find the words. I am sympathetic to the fact that she is in pain and having a scary medical procedure. I can't work up a deeper response, though, to someone I just don't know or have a relationship with.

[Spryte]

:grouphug:

 

 

 

 

Sent you a pm.

[Danestress]

Can you focus your concern and attention on your Mom, since this also must be scary for her? Maybe call her today and ask how your sister is, and then how SHE is. Even if you don't feel attached to your sister, if your Mom is attached to her and you care about your Mom, then that might help you feel more concern for what is going on with your Sis.

[Guest inoubliable]

Eh. I sort of have the same relationship with my mother. I don't ever hear from her unless she wants to go behind my siblings' back to tell me something about their kids or their lives and I'm expected to do happy jigs or break out into song on the phone with her and praise HER for what magnificent people my siblings and their children are. The entire reason for calling me was to make sure that I knew my mother was so close to my sister that she was asked to watch my nephews overnight in her house while sister was in the hospital, and that I was so not important that if she hadn't suddenly remembered her older daughter and called me that I would never have known what was going on. I'm guessing she was just bored at 11:30 last night and she had, literally, no one else to call and get attention from.

[Unicorn.]

Considering how they have treated you, I think your response is normal. If it were me, I would probably check w/ mom later to see how she was doing, but beyond that.. I would go on w/ my day as normal.

[BrookValley.]

I've never been of the opinion that family deserves a special emotional attachment just because they are family. I get where you are coming from, and I think your response is normal. Just because you aren't devastated doesn't mean you don't care...and given the history (I remember some of your previous posts from around the holidays), I think you're giving the issue all the emotional effort required by anyone who is, well, a normal human being!

 

My father and I don't have much of a relationship. Not only is he an intensely private person who seemingly has no emotional attachment to anyone, we are two very, very different people. We simply do not connect on any level. Any. Now, I do care about him--I want him to be healthy and happy. I'm not an ogre. But my mother, to whom he was always abusive and demeaning and never gave a crap about (yes, they have been divorced 12-ish years now), constantly harps on me to call him because he is dealing with some serious health issues. ???? I *do* call him. Occasionally. If he needs help, I offer to help (drive him to appointments, etc.). BUT we do NOT have a relationship. This is his choice as well as mine. I am not calling him five times a week to chat. We're fine with that. But my mother cannot understand this--only because he's my father, and for no other reason. I don't get it.

[Callie]

No. I think your reaction is perfectly normal. I have similar family drama and I'm sure I'd feel the same way. It's hard to burst into tears for someone you don't have a relationship with. Sympathy? Of course. But you aren't all of a sudden going to have some deep attachment to someone just because she is sick.

 

This. I'm not close either physically or emotionally with any family members. I chose a different path and I'm o.k with it. I wish them well and harbor no ill will but my feeling are neutral otherwise. Kinda like when you hear something about an old acquantience.

 

It has taken me a long time to get here.

 

Callie

[delaney]

I would feel the same. As a matter of fact if one of my brothers were to die I would seriously have to be coerced to attend the funeral. I have not spoken to the one in over 3 years and I really don't care. We have nothing in common. The other one(his twin) is not my favorite person to spend time with. Really I think he is a pompous ass with all opinion and little mental capacity to back it up. Not my cup of tea.

[Corraleno]

I'd have reacted the same way.

 

I have the same relationship (or lack thereof) with my family, by choice. I am the "odd one out" and I'm perfectly happy with that, since it spares me a lot of drama and dysfunction. Ditto with DH's family, actually. There's a reason we chose to live 2000 miles from my family and 5000 miles from his!

 

Jackie

[Guest inoubliable]

I'm relieved to know that I'm at least normal in this one thing. :laugh:

 

I texted my mother four hours after the surgery to see how it went.

 

It didn't happen. :glare: It has supposedly been delayed until this weekend. How, I don't know. She told me it was an emergency situation. So I got a flurry of texts telling me a bunch of stuff about how awful it is and that my sister will have to go in Saturday for the surgery and that I should look up some...syndrome... so I can learn more. I ignored it. Surgery didn't happen, four hours go by, and no one thought to call and tell me that it wasn't happening?? After all that panic? Geesh.

[AimeeM]

I don't think it's abnormal at all.

*hugs*

[lllll]

..

[LucyStoner]

I understand. You are NOT a bad person for not feeling connected enough to care about this as a sibling.

 

I have some relatives who I really don't care to follow their health and lives at all who I would just hang up on if they called to share or cut off the person who called to share. I am really a fairly loving relative and friend (I have witnesses who can back this statement up) but there are a few that just don't make the cut due to lack of relationship and general level of toxicity- we are relatives in name only. That said, there are still some odd feelings when such info does filter through to me. Not sadness or regret. Just oddness.

 

I have a brother who I am fairly close to who TEXTED me saying he was heading in for surgery. I was like, um, what is the protocol for emergency texts? Do I text him back? Call his husband? I am YOUR sister, who raised you much of the time. A text seemed like a really odd way to get the news and I burst into tears (rare for me). Not because he texted me, per se, but just a flood of worry and emotion.

[swellmomma]

I would have reacted much the same way if I got a contact about my sister that way. I would be more concerned about how my nephew was coping with things no worry about her. I would be more upset about my brother but I don't really have a relationship with him due to things he could not understand when we were young and then I moved out by the time he was 12 so we don't really know each other. We talk about once a month or so.

 

Anyway all of that to say I don't think you are out of line having those emotions. I would not be overly upset by anyone in my family facing such things. In fact I think I have cried harder over things happening to some of my online friends harder than I have for anything that has happened to family members.

[Desert Rat]

Just another vote here for you're not strange. I can't gather much emotion for my family beyond my mom, dad, brother. My mom comes from a close knit family who thrive on drama. If nothing wrong, something's wrong. They try to drag me into their mess and get angry when I don't react the way they think I should.

 

I hope your sister is ok. I know you care for her. I think you are justified in your reactions. I would check on Mom just to keep me out of the dog house, only because it's an easier place for me to be. Outside the doghouse, that is.

[joannqn]

Nope not strange, but I understand any concern you feel that you might be abnormal. I always thinking my response to illness and death in my extended family is abnormal...like I should feel more concerned or upset about it.

[gardenmom5]

No, you're not a horrible person for not sobbing inconsolably into the phone. (or rushing to the hospital for a 'death bed' vigil.) I don't know all the ins and outs of your family relaitonships, but I know from firsthand experience they can sometimes be very difficult to balance. some people equate "drama" with feeling. I'm jaded - I've known too many dramatists who lacked genuine feeling and just "put on a show" (and they tend to demand dramatic adoration from others to prove their "sincereity"). people can feel deeply without drama. still waters run deep and all that.

 

considering the strained relations with your family, it's understandable you are trying to figure out what you do feel. (I also am very private, and do not generally "emote" in front of other people.)

 

I too was excluded from family dinners if my grandmother was hosting. (dh and I, by pure happenstance, dropped in to thank my grandmother for something and found out she was having a family dinner THAT DAY with my mother and sister and visiting out of town relatives. I do not think I was a horrible person for feeling no sympathy - and perhaps some schadenfreude (yeah, I was immature, I was still only in my early 20's) - at my grandmothers discomfort of being in a position she put herself in because she was so petty.)

[gardenmom5]

So I got a flurry of texts telling me a bunch of stuff about how awful it is and that my sister will have to go in Saturday for the surgery .

 

 

scheduled saturday surgery. uh, yeah, right. not. buying. it.

 

does your family like engaing in drama?

[lmrich]

Well, I will say that you do care. You posted here about it. Personally I do not see how your level of being upset is equal to your level of caring. What good does it really do to worry and panic? I am sure you wish or pray that all be well. You care. There is nothing to feel guilty about or to feel you are weird.

[QuirkyKapers]

I get it. Whenever my mom would go into the hospital, or my dad, I never knew. Until months later. If I did find out about the surgery, it was usually by accident, from someone else. The tough thing was that sometimes it was serious and sometimes it wasn't. However, something healthwise was going on all the time. This really made it hard to know how sympathetic too be. I learned to just be indifferent and my sympathy levels went way down. It was weird because several times I was with my mom and things happened, her falling down stairs or in the tub. I wanted to take her to the hosptial but she called my dad and ended up not going. So, again, things I thought were a concern, weren't on their part. Things they thought were a concern, sometimes were, but a lot time wasn't in my point of view. :grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

Information makes me feel better in these kinds of situations. I would probably want to know more about what's going on, and I'd ask, if they weren't forthcoming on their own. But maybe that's just me.

 

I have an estranged brother and he has CF, so I'm sure I don't hear every time there's a procedure or a hospitalization (my mom used to keep me informed, but I don't think he tells her everything, either, b/c she's a major worrier).

 

The only "caution" I'd throw at you is to be sure you have a clear conscience if anything happens to her. IOW, if not being in contact will lead to regret, then be in some sort of contact, but respect your own boundaries, too. (I don't even know if that makes sense! lol) I say this because I'm struggling with my inner feelings towards my brother, feeling time is running out for some sort of reconciliation, so take what I say with a huge grain of salt.

[bettyandbob]

 

 

scheduled saturday surgery. uh, yeah, right. not. buying. it.

 

does your family like engaing in drama?

 

Me neither. Sounds like a way to create more drama.

 

I'm sorry you are distanced from your family, but I your response to the situation is normal given your circumstance.

[J-rap]

I don't think your reaction is strange at all. Family can be like anyone else. If you're close to them, you feel more tied to them emotionally. If you're not close to them, you don't feel that tie. Nothing unusual there.

[Guest inoubliable]

scheduled saturday surgery. uh, yeah, right. not. buying. it.

 

does your family like engaing in drama?

 

 

VERY much so. I'm not sure that I'm buying it either. I've never heard of calling off a surgery for something like a blood clot "that goes all the way from the abdomen to the leg" (quoted and please, no one requote that so I can delete later!) because Aunt Flo came calling. Which is why I didn't bother responding to any more texts.

[Guest inoubliable]

Information makes me feel better in these kinds of situations. I would probably want to know more about what's going on, and I'd ask, if they weren't forthcoming on their own. But maybe that's just me.

 

I have an estranged brother and he has CF, so I'm sure I don't hear every time there's a procedure or a hospitalization (my mom used to keep me informed, but I don't think he tells her everything, either, b/c she's a major worrier).

 

The only "caution" I'd throw at you is to be sure you have a clear conscience if anything happens to her. IOW, if not being in contact will lead to regret, then be in some sort of contact, but respect your own boundaries, too. (I don't even know if that makes sense! lol) I say this because I'm struggling with my inner feelings towards my brother, feeling time is running out for some sort of reconciliation, so take what I say with a huge grain of salt.

 

 

While the estrangement is mutual, and my sister and I have said all that needs to be said to each other, I do have a desire to know that everything is okay. I just can't ever be sure with the way things are exaggerated or made up or kept from me until months after the fact. You know?

 

So since the last I heard was that my sister may be going home today and that more information was going to be available in the morning....I texted my mother just now to find out what's going on. She's in a meeting at work. Guess nothing is going on, then. Onward goes my internal struggle with just how much of a damn do I give. *sigh*

[Dandelion]

Not strange at all. :grouphug:

 

Everyone reacts to things differently. It always strikes me as presumptuous when people try to tell others how they should feel. Feelings are just feelings, and quite honestly, we have no real control over them. When a wave of emotions comes over you - or doesn't - you didn't choose that. It just happens. What matters (and what you do have control over) is what you decide to do with that. Respond to this situation in whatever way you think is best given the circumstances, and don't worry about what you do or do not feel.

[Catwoman]

KK, you are a kind, compassionate, and caring person. We see that every time you post here on the forum.

 

Your reaction to this whole thing with your sister is perfectly normal and entirely reasonable.

 

Hey, if the situation was reversed, would she be rushing to your bedside? (Unless she's a total drama queen and thought she could get some attention for herself by being the Good Sister... Otherwise, it sounds like you guys just aren't that close, and that's not a crime, even if some people may give you the "but she's your BLOOD" lecture. Just because you're family doesn't mean there has to be some telepathic psychic magical connection between you.)

 

Whatever it turns out to be, I hope she's OK, but mostly I hope you don't think you're a bad person for not being more worried about her. Because you're not. You are a great person. :grouphug:

[momtoamiracle]

Normal reaction to me. I'm not close to my youngest brother - he treats us like dirt. So if my mom told me he was having surgery, I'd be concerned a little, but honestly I would not be falling to pieces over it. If it was my sisters I would be cause we're all close. But he has nothing to do with us, so there is no emotional attachment there.

 

 

 

You can't help how you feel. It's born out of the circumstances. Be supportive and kind, that's all you Ned to do, IMO.

[nono]

I'm relieved to know that I'm at least normal in this one thing. :laugh:

 

I texted my mother four hours after the surgery to see how it went.

 

It didn't happen. :glare: It has supposedly been delayed until this weekend. How, I don't know. She told me it was an emergency situation. So I got a flurry of texts telling me a bunch of stuff about how awful it is and that my sister will have to go in Saturday for the surgery and that I should look up some...syndrome... so I can learn more. I ignored it. Surgery didn't happen, four hours go by, and no one thought to call and tell me that it wasn't happening?? After all that panic? Geesh.

 

Wow, that's kinda mean on her part. :thumbdown: And you are wondering why you can't get all emotional about these folks? I think it is self-preservation!

[Guest inoubliable]

KK, you are a kind, compassionate, and caring person. We see that every time you post here on the forum.

 

Your reaction to this whole thing with your sister is perfectly normal and entirely reasonable.

 

Hey, if the situation was reversed, would she be rushing to your bedside? (Unless she's a total drama queen and thought she could get some attention for herself by being the Good Sister... Otherwise, it sounds like you guys just aren't that close, and that's not a crime, even if some people may give you the "but she's your BLOOD" lecture. Just because you're family doesn't mean there has to be some telepathic psychic magical connection between you.)

 

Whatever it turns out to be, I hope she's OK, but mostly I hope you don't think you're a bad person for not being more worried about her. Because you're not. You are a great person. :grouphug:

 

Thank you. :) That made me feel a lot better about it all.

[tex-bex]

 

 

While the estrangement is mutual, and my sister and I have said all that needs to be said to each other, I do have a desire to know that everything is okay. I just can't ever be sure with the way things are exaggerated or made up or kept from me until months after the fact. You know?

 

So since the last I heard was that my sister may be going home today and that more information was going to be available in the morning....I texted my mother just now to find out what's going on. She's in a meeting at work. Guess nothing is going on, then. Onward goes my internal struggle with just how much of a damn do I give. *sigh*

 

 

I totally get that. That's how I feel about most of my family, as well.

 

My dad will email me a graphic description of how each of his dogs died, but not call me for days if my step-mom has had a fall, hit her head, and been hospitalized. People are weird.

[Elinor Everywhere]

My dh isn't close to his parents (he's an only child). He loves them, I think, but he doesn't choose to spend time with them. They divorced when he was 12, and although I grew up in a happy, Beaver Cleaver family, even I can see how they were crappy parents. His motto: if they were unrelated I would never choose to hang out with them, and I'm not going to do subject myself just because they're my parents.

 

:grouphug: You're aren't evil, bad, or a b****.

[gardenmom5]

KK - have you done any reading up on personality disorders? there have been some great educational threads in the past. also some great tips on establishing boundaries with overly dramatic people who live to stir the pot to get attention while everyone around them are discombobulated.

 

oh - and it is often the case that those closely related to the disordered personality will wonder if they are crazy because the message dispensed by the disordered personality is that "something is wrong with you". (because you aren't engaging me the way I want you to.)

 

eta: I want to point out, when it is the mother/grandmother who is the disordered personality, a heck of a lot of damage can be done that is not visible to outsiders.

[Seeker of Schole]

Another vote for your reaction is perfectly normal.

 

One thought (and I ask this based on my own experiences) - are you sure it's that you have little feelings about the matter, or are you repressing them because they're so difficult to deal with?

 

I know for me it was the latter, and I had to eventually deal with it. I hope for you it is the former, because that is a much better lace to be.

[Reflections]

KK, you are a kind, compassionate, and caring person. We see that every time you post here on the forum.

 

Your reaction to this whole thing with your sister is perfectly normal and entirely reasonable.

 

Hey, if the situation was reversed, would she be rushing to your bedside? (Unless she's a total drama queen and thought she could get some attention for herself by being the Good Sister... Otherwise, it sounds like you guys just aren't that close, and that's not a crime, even if some people may give you the "but she's your BLOOD" lecture. Just because you're family doesn't mean there has to be some telepathic psychic magical connection between you.)

 

Whatever it turns out to be, I hope she's OK, but mostly I hope you don't think you're a bad person for not being more worried about her. Because you're not. You are a great person. :grouphug:

 

 

 

BTDT - only not with a sister. FWIW it sounds like to me that you are self protecting. That you won't let yourself get worked up because you don't want to be hurt all over again. It's okay to nurture yourself this way. It took me many, many, many years to feel okay taking care of myself emotionally.

 

:grouphug:

[MiniBlondes]

I don't have much to add to what's been said here. I think your reaction is normal. I do want to give you a :grouphug: however. Especially because you recently gave me one when I needed it. :)

[CyndiLJ]

While it is a bit heartbreaking to read how many of us are not close to our family members or are completely estranged, I do think there is a certain level of dysfunction that signals a need to move into self-preservation mode. If not, then we too will be as unhealthy.

 

Because I struggled with this within my own family for years and saw it in my parents' families too, it has been a priority for me to see that our children have the best chance at healthy relationships in their adult years. Whether it happens or not will be up to them, but it has been modeled for them, and encouragedon a daily basis. Right now, i'd say that they are 100% closer to each other than anyone in my family ever was. However,homeschooling has helped in that area :-)