---- Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bzymom Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 If her posts cause you pain, is it possible to put her on ignore so you cannot see them, but without the finality of unfriending her? (Can you tell I don't have a Facebook account?) I don't think you are being at all unreasonable, but not knowing this girl at all I can only hope she is acting out of shock and will soon come to her senses. People do crazy things in grief. As for the money, I would probably use it a bit at a time to send things you think your nephew could use rather than give her cash for her own discretion. I am so sorry for your loss. :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I do not think you are being unreasonable.at.all. I am sorry you are dealing with this on top of grieving your brother's death. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 If it's only been a few weeks, I'd assume that she's in shock and doing some very weird things because of that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Holy cow, that's over the top! You're totally not being unreasonable. She's either gone nuts with grief or is radically immature. I have no idea what you should do about the money, but I would unfriend her and just contact her directly for info on your nephew. That would be too painful for me to read when on FB. I'm so sorry for your loss. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dory Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I would just block her posts for now so that you don't have to go through the pain of seeing posts like that. It's not as final as unfriending her and she won't know so it won't insult her. I agree that you could probably use the money for things for your nephew. Odds are he needs to feel there are still people in his life that love him and care about him. It'll give him a bit more security and comfort to know that you care about him right now. I'm so, so sorry for your loss Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I am so sorry about your brother. I would still be a mess if my brother died a month ago. Your SIL sounds like she is getting scammed. Don't send the money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milovany Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Is there any chance your brother and his wife had an unhappy marriage? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I remember when your brother passed away, and I got myself into a bit of trouble on your thread when I suggested that it was incredibly inconsiderate of your SIL to post about his death on Facebook rather than calling his immediate family members. And now she's in love. She sounds like a real winner to me. :glare: I feel terribly sorry for your little nephew, because he has lost his father and his mother sounds like a real flake. I hate to say this, but are you sure she just met this guy? This seems awfully sudden. I'll be honest with you, if my SIL had pulled something like this when my brother died, I would never have forgiven her for it. Never. (And because I am a paranoid lunatic, I probably would have started obsessing over whether or not my brother had really died of natural causes. I'm such a suspicious idiot.) And if you send her that money, I'm going to come to your house and smack you. Why would you help her??? If you want to do something with the money, invite your nephew for an extended visit and spend all of the money on fun things for him. If his mom is busy "falling in love," she may not be giving your nephew the attention he deserves. And right now, IMO, your SIL's attention should be focused solely in helping her little ds get through this awful time, not showing up at the house with a prospective New Dad for the boy. And if the new guy is scamming your SIL, I don't even feel particularly sorry for her. I know that sounds horribly mean, but your SIL is behaving horribly. If you post and say that she was a great wife to your brother and they were always incredibly happy together, I might chalk this up to her being one of those people who is simply terrified to be alone or that maybe she had suffered some sort of emotional breakdown when your brother died so she latched on to the first person who acted nice to her, then I might feel sorry for her if the guy turned out to be a scammer, but honestly, no matter what her emotional state may be, she is being incredibly selfish. She should be focusing on helping her ds get through this terrible time, not be out dating some new guy! And I know that people will suggest that grief might be making her do crazy things, but she completely lost me when I read that she was asking people for money so she can pay for the new love of her life to come and be with her. (And we're worried that the new guy might be trying to take advantage of her??? Sounds to me like she might just give him a run for his money if she doesn't have a problem asking her deceased husband's friends and family for money to pay for the new guy to move in with her...) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 For now I would ignore her. Grief makes you do some crazy things. A friend suddenly passed away a couple years ago. He was in his 40s. His widow went out and spent every penny of his life insurance on tattoos and clothes and stuff. She really was acting crazy. She settled down after a few months. She was insane with grief and really didn't know what to do with herself. She was trying anything to make herself happy again. In the case of your SIL, it sounds like a rebound relationship and kind of like my friend. Anything to feel happy - or anything - again. I agree that it sounds like she's getting scammed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Wow. Maybe I've been watching too much t.v., but my first thoughts are: 1. How did your brother die (did they do an autopsy)? and 2. Did she cause his death because she was messing around w/ someone else? I hope she's not getting scammed, but it's better than what's going through my head. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm sorry your sil is so messed up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I hope she's OK. That behavior sounds rather unhealthy and reckless, and I feel bad for your nephew. I would hide her posts so you don't have to read them. I think your hesitance to give her money is completely understandable, and you probably shouldn't give it to her if it makes you that uncomfortable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Wow. Maybe I've been watching too much t.v., but my first thoughts are: 1. How did your brother die (did they do an autopsy)? and 2. Did she cause his death because she was messing around w/ someone else? I hope she's not getting scammed, but it's better than what's going through my head. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm sorry your sil is so messed up. I hate to say it, but I sort of alluded to the same thing in my post. :( I really hope we are both just being incredibly paranoid and silly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
higginszoo Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Seems pretty quick, doesn't it. Everyone grieves differently, and unfortunately, sometimes people choose less than healthy ways. I agree to ignore her on FB for now so that you and she can each get through this time in your own way, but you still have a way to maintain/re-establish contact with your nephew later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Is it just me, or if you were the SIL's "new love," wouldn't you be a little creeped out by the fact that she was already professing her love for you and wanting you to move in with her, when her long-term husband had been dead for less than a month? :eek: Huge. Red. Flag. Either he's a scammer (which might not even make sense if the SIL doesn't have a lot of money,) or he's just some poor, desperate, lonely man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I'm with the "she's getting scammed" group. What are the odds of her finding a guy that doesn't live near her and needs money to move a month after her husband dies? I'm sure that this is incredibly painful for you, but she sounds like she really needs help. (Assuming that she was normal before the death) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 By chance do you have contact with SIL's parents or someone she would listen to? It sounds like she really needs some help and your nephew will be the one to suffer for it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 :blink: :confused1: :blink: :confused: :blink: :svengo: My first thoughts,( honestly I hope I've just read too many horror stories), is: how did your brother die?how much life-insurance did your brother have? how long has she *really * known this guy? (I guess unicorn and I think alike.) a month later and she's fallen madly in love with some guy who doesn't even live in the same town? she wants money to move him closer to her? no way in hades would I send money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I feel terribly sorry for your little nephew, because he has lost his father and his mother sounds like a real flake. corn, bran or coconut? And if you send her that money, I'm going to come to your house and smack you. Why would you help her??? and you won't be alone either. I'll be backup - and I'm sure there are others who will join us. And right now, IMO, your SIL's attention should be focused solely in helping her little ds get through this awful time, . . . . she is being incredibly selfish. She should be focusing on helping her ds get through this terrible time, not be out dating some new guy! :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4kidlets4me Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Could they have been having a relationship prior to her husband's death? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I'm in the scammed camp too....and I'd be worried about your nephew. He just lost his dad, for goodness sakes! Agreeing with others that you should just hide her posts and perhaps talk with her parents (if she's close with them). What a horrible situation. I think a month is WAY too early - even if they had a bad marriage. It just doesn't sound healthy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Yikes! I wouldn't send money. I would have your nephew over or send cards, gifts etc. Things that let him know you are thinking of him. As far as facebook, I would put it on ignore. Grief does have people do strange things. My dad remarried very quickly after my mom's death. In fact, he was already talking about remarrying before the funeral ended. This was hard to take. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilaclady Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Sorry about the loss of your brother. I will not unfriend her on Fb as that might be the only way to know what is going on with your nephew. I can only hope that she is acting out of grief but it is very strange way to behave. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 :blink: :confused1: :blink: :confused: :blink: :svengo: My first thoughts,( honestly I hope I've just read too many horror stories), is: how did your brother die?how much life-insurance did your brother have? how long has she *really * known this guy? (I guess unicorn and I think alike.) a month later and she's fallen madly in love with some guy who doesn't even live in the same town? she wants money to move him closer to her? no way in hades would I send money. I am so glad you and Unicorn had the nerve to come right out and say that. I was a chicken and only hinted at it in my post. In my defense, I was the first one to get into trouble in the last thread about the SIL, when I thought she was horrible for posting about amana's brother's death on Facebook, so I was trying to be a little more politically correct this time around. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Yikes! I wouldn't send money. I would have your nephew over or send cards, gifts etc. Things that let him know you are thinking of him. As far as facebook, I would put it on ignore. Grief does have people do strange things. My dad remarried very quickly after my mom's death. In fact, he was already talking about remarrying before the funeral ended. This was hard to take. :grouphug: Oh my gosh! :eek: That must have been absolutely heartbreaking for you! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I am so glad you and Unicorn had the nerve to come right out and say that. I was a chicken and only hinted at it in my post. In my defense, I was the first one to get into trouble in the last thread about the SIL, when I thought she was horrible for posting about amana's brother's death on Facebook, so I was trying to be a little more politically correct this time around. :tongue_smilie: I didn't read the other thread. (so I couldn't get in trouble =D) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
---- Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Oh my gosh! :eek: That must have been absolutely heartbreaking for you! :grouphug: Yes. It was difficult. He actually was talking about how he would marry my mom's doctor if she wasn't already marrried. My SIL and I just looked at each other in disbelief...Did he really just say that? So, I can totally relate to the OP. It was really like he was erasing any memories of my mom ever having been alive by moving forward into a different life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 At the time we decided to send the money, we were under the impression she needed it to care for her son. We never would have considered it had she originally asked for money to move the guy in. For now, the money will stay in our account. If this is just some crazy reaction to grief, maybe in a few months she'll come to her senses and we can send it then. I'm glad you're not going to send her the money right now, but I have to tell you that in your situation, I would never send money to her. I think it would be better to wait a while for things to calm down, and then send specifically what your nephew needs, rather than let your SIL have the cash, because -- and I know this sounds mean -- I would be very worried that she would spend the money on herself (or her boyfriend du jour,) and your nephew would never see a nickel of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Yes. It was difficult. He actually was talking about how he would marry my mom's doctor if she wasn't already marrried. My SIL and I just looked at each other in disbelief...Did he really just say that? So, I can totally relate to the OP. It was really like he was erasing any memories of my mom ever having been alive by moving forward into a different life. That must have been just awful. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I have spoken here regarding my husband's best friend passing away unexpectedly, at the age of 38, 2 years ago. His widow was dating in less than 2 months, pregnant in 4 months, and remarried in 5 months. My husband was dealing with his own profound grief and this new situation was very unexpected. In the end, it appears the relationship is working out. He is a good dad to her 2 other young sons. As people told me, when I came here for advice on how to handle my husband's feelings, everyone grieves differently. I would probably hide her on FB. My husband never even uses FB anymore, due to the surprises and hurt that came with those first posts and realizations that she was "moving on". I would have voted "scammy", too, if we hadn't lived it :glare: . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
---- Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
---- Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Actually, the decision to unfriend her is out of my hand. I just went to Facebook to put her on ignore and she's already unfriended myself, all of my siblings, and my mom. I almost feel relieved, but so sad for my nephew. I'll just try to send regular emails checking in on him, and totally ignoring all other aspects of her life. Thanks for all the encouragement that I'm not totally nuts! I'm going to go edit and move on now. Well, I guess that takes care of that. :grouphug: I hope you can remain a part of your nephew's life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Praying for you and your nephew. How difficult this must be for both of you. Just can't wrap my head around your SIL's behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsBasil Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I am so, so sorry for everything you're dealing with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Actually, the decision to unfriend her is out of my hand. I just went to Facebook to put her on ignore and she's already unfriended myself, all of my siblings, and my mom. I almost feel relieved, but so sad for my nephew. I'll just try to send regular emails checking in on him, and totally ignoring all other aspects of her life. Thanks for all the encouragement that I'm not totally nuts! I'm going to go edit and move on now. Wow. I wouldn't be surprised if one of your family members or hers answered the question in her Facebook status, and it wasn't what she wanted to hear. She was fishing for JAWM support, and she isn't likely to get it from anyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 If it were me, and I didn't have much relationship with her in the first place, I'd think, "I have nothing to lose," and I'd call her and talk to her frankly about everything. Hopefully she'd answer the phone. I would pre-plan some very gentle, but to-the-point words and talk to her about what's going on. Tell her that from the outside, it looks like she's frenetically trying to stop the pain. But that you're concerned that she's not thinking clearly and is heading for yet more heartbreak. And if she hates you for it, well...she's already unfriended you, so you're still in the same place. But if she pauses to listen, maybe not now, but maybe after hanging up, then you've helped someone in need. Maybe the people closest to her are afraid to tell her the hard truths because they're afraid of losing her friendship. But if you're far enough away, you don't have anything to lose. Unless you fear you'll lose your nephew. That's why you would pre-plan what to say, and speak in an exceedingly gentle tone, and tell her that you love her and nephew and you're scared for her and wanted to understand what she's going through. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I am so glad you and Unicorn had the nerve to come right out and say that. I was a chicken and only hinted at it in my post. In my defense, I was the first one to get into trouble in the last thread about the SIL, when I thought she was horrible for posting about amana's brother's death on Facebook, so I was trying to be a little more politically correct this time around. :tongue_smilie: Just this week, my aunt died. And the news quickly spread on FB. Nothing malicious or immature. My aunt had one child, her husband has dementia, and the family is far flung. It was just easiest on my cousin to make a few calls, and spread the word via FB. She had lots of business to take care of with her father's condition and arranging a service cross country from herself. I'm sure not everyone liked it. But there was certainly no malicious intent intended nor any glaring character flaws in this cousin. I think there are many valid reasons this is how news is spread in this day and age. That said, obviously this situation should set off huge red flags for anyone involved. I'm so sad for you OP. I think I would definitely hide or unfriend for the forseeable future. I don't necessarily jump to her being involved in his death. But I do think she probably is mentally unstable and that would be an understatement. If she contacted you directly for money again, I might urge her to get into counseling or a grief support group. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Wow. I wouldn't be surprised if one of your family members or hers answered the question in her Facebook status, and it wasn't what she wanted to hear. She was fishing for JAWM support, and she isn't likely to get it from anyone. That's what I was thinking, too. I can't imagine that everyone in the family would have just let it go without any comment. I'll bet someone really blasted her... and who could blame them? Not only was she announcing that she was in love with a new guy, she was also asking for money to pay for the guy to come stay with her. :glare: That woman either has more nerve than anyone I've ever met, or she's just a complete narcissist who doesn't understand why everyone doesn't think that they should immediately rush to send her money so she can get whatever she wants. Sounds more like scheming than grieving to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Could they have been having a relationship prior to her husband's death? :iagree: My FIL did the same thing a month after MIL's death... it was an affair he kept secret from MIL for years. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.