does it bother you

[Roadrunner]

when people show up unnanounced at your house and expect you to drop doing everything and be happy to see them?

We love guests, but I am starting to really resent certain people :sneaky2: I don't mind this once a while, but every single week? By the way, I never feel like I am welcome in their house the same way. (this isn't a family member) Not that I would ever do that anyway.

How do I stop this without hurting anybody's feelings? I can't be direct. I really can't. Or should I just be happy I have friends and suck it up? :wacko:

[Upward Journey]

Even if it was my BFF, if it happened every week, without a heads-up, I'd start to get annoyed.

 

Now if it was my sister, meh. I'd probably just have her help me with whatever I was doing, including school :D

[Dandelion]

Would this work?

 

"I've enjoyed having you drop by. Because of our schedule and other commitments, it really helps us though when you call first so we can plan accordingly. Could you please call from now on?"

 

Or, when the person is at your door (said as you stand in the doorway without inviting them in):

 

"Hi! How are you?" Stand there smiling without saying anything else or inviting them in. Wait for full effect. Then "Well, we're right in the middle of something. I need to go now. Thanks for stopping by!"

 

And yes, it would bother me too.

[Roadrunner]

I can't not open the door. We are in CA and all the doors are glass, so there is nowhere to hide (this also causes interesting enounters with mail man). Once you open the gate and walk in, that's it.

This is every week and it's always, for "half an hour", which turns into at least 5 hours. How do I tell her gently? Even my super duper mellow husband is beginning to lose it and itching for a fight.

 

 

Julie, that takes guts. I don't have them :bored:.

[elegantlion]

My parents are the only ones who get a pass to do that, and they usually call first. Friends, neighbors, anyone else I will answer the door though. If is were happening on regular basis, I'd have to remind them we were trying to do school and I needed to get back to it. If it were after school, depends upon who it is and frequency. Yeah, I prefer people call first.

[Belacqua]

Oh, that sounds dreadful. I like Julie's suggestions: polite but firm.

 

My neighbor has a sign on her door to the effect of, "Please do not disturb: testing in progress." I saw that when I dropped something off for her, so I left it at the doorstep and emailed her. She replied, "Oh, don't worry about that. The sign is to keep [her persistent visitor] away. You'd think she'd have figured out by now that we're testing every single time she comes by!"

[Robin M]

You could always put a lock on the gate. :) When folks show up at my door unannounced, I step out, close the door and talk to them on the porch. Gently saying at some point you are going to have be firm and tell this person what your rules are for visiting. Something like, Bertha or whatever her name is, I love you dearly, or if you don't love them dearly, I appreciate you coming by, but we are busy. Why don't I call you later and we'll talk.

[elegantlion]

I can't not open the door. We are in CA and all the doors are glass, so there is nowhere to hide (this also causes interesting enounters with mail man). Once you open the gate and walk in, that's it.

This is every week and it's always, for "half an hour", which turns into at least 5 hours. How do I tell her gently? Even my super duper mellow husband is beginning to lose it and itching for a fight.

 

 

Julie, that takes guts. I don't have them :bored:.

 

Can you act like you were going out, then really leave, even if it's just to drive around.

 

Personally, I'm bold enough to just say this isn't a good time and not let them in.

[QuirkyKapers]

You could always put a lock on the gate. :)

 

:iagree: This was my first thought too. Yes, step out of your house to talk. Tell the kids to keep working on x subject and you will be back in 5 minutes. Check your watch and stick to it. Sorry, gotta run or the kids will be off their schedule If your kids are old enough, set a timer and tell them to come get you when the timer goes off. Call me later and we can set up a time to get together when we can chat more. Maybe you could tell her, Oh, we were just leaving for x. Call me later etc etc.

[Dandelion]

 

Can you act like you were going out, then really leave, even if it's just to drive around.

 

 

That's a good suggestion too. I used to do that frequently at work, when people stopped by my cube to chit-chat (not that I don't enjoy chatting, but these were people who just didn't know when to leave and I had work to do). I would get up, chat politely for 30 seconds, and then say I had to leave. And then I'd go use the restroom. :tongue_smilie:

[readwithem]

That would drive me nuts and I'm an empty nester. I love people but I also love my "me" time. That's a bit egocentric of them to expect that you will drop whatever you are doing - as if you were just waiting around for them to come by....

 

I like the idea of opening the door but not letting them in - once they're in, you can't make them leave. You can chat for a moment at the front door and then say you have to get back to (whatever, even if was sitting on the couch reading a good book!). Practice saying it in your mirror so you're comfortable with your facial expressions. Once or twice will likely cure them of the drop-in habit.

[Dandelion]

 

Julie, that takes guts. I don't have them :bored:.

 

I think you might surprise yourself. :grouphug: Guts or courage is like a muscle IMO. You develop it by using it. So all you have to do is make using it as easy as possible for yourself. Decide on a script you will use with this person the next time he/she drops by. Practice your script (maybe with your DH). And then the next time this person drops by, just do it. It gets easier every time. I promise. :)

[SKL]

"Oh, hi! I was just running out the door to ____ [keep some important-sounding errand at the ready]. Give me a call so we can plan a time when I can focus on visiting with you. Gotta run now, sorry!"

[SKL]

And yes, that would annoy me! There is nobody in my life who does anything like that. I wouldn't even visit my parents without calling first. :/

[swellmomma]

Nobody dares come to my door unannounced lol I don't let them in. I lack any manners in that regard. I will talk to you on the front step for a minute to tell you that I am busy at the present time and perhaps they can call to arrange a visit next time and then I say goodbye and shut my door. My home is my space, I hate people in my space and need time to prepare myself for it. I feel it is a huge invasion even when they are invited. To simply show up would not be allowed. Even with the kids have friends show up unannounced they have to play outside for quite sometime before I allow them in, don't just show up looking for me to entertain you as if i have no plans of my own. Even if my plans were to simply sit and drink coffee in front of the tv.

[TammyS]

I can't be direct. I really can't.

 

 

You really can.

 

It might be excruciating and painful to you. You might hate it. You might have an all-out phobia about it. But you can.

 

You can also choose not to. But remember that you have to live with the choice. There is every likelihood that if you are not direct and don't deal with it, your feelings about it will start to show through anyway. Except, at that point, you will be the one in the wrong, because you have been lying to this person and acting like it's ok. So you will be seen as passive-aggressive and babyish.

 

By refusing to be honest, you will hurt someone unnecessarily, probably lose a friend, and possibly end up with a reputation as "that passive-aggressive woman who tells you one thing to your face but really means something else".

[TammyS]

BTW, I do think it's incredibly rude for people to just stop by. We have phones, and email, and cell phones, and text and.... Really?

 

I might be in any state when a person comes by. PJs, workout clothes (that's so not pretty), sweaty and cooling off from a workout, baking, dirty, sleeping, who knows! I want to feel comfortable that I can be in any state in my own home without worry that people will bug me.

[Roadrunner]

My DH says I need to return the favor. Get in the car and go sit at her house 6 hours completely derailing her day. I have been trying to recruit our mutual friend to go it, because I can't stomach doing this alone. I know I will be soooo embarassed.

[Dandelion]

My DH says I need to return the favor. Get in the car and go sit at her house 6 hours completely derailing her day. I have been trying to recruit our mutual friend to go it, because I can't stomach doing this alone. I know I will be soooo embarassed.

 

 

I'm guessing you're only half serious about doing this - but I wouldn't do it. All that does is make it even more okay for this person to keep dropping by unannounced at your house. It just exacerbates the problem. Define your boundaries with this person and stick to them. That's really the only effective solution in this case.

[gardenmom5]

It depends upon who it is.

 

eta: I didn't catch the "every single week". the people who drop in on me like that live elsewhere and it only happens once or twice a year.

 

yes -and I would SAY something to put an end to it. Or set up a time that *I* am happy with for when we can get together again. and I agree your thought of doing it to her to derail her day is petty and passive agressive. oh, and not likley to work.

[TammyS]

My DH says I need to return the favor. Get in the car and go sit at her house 6 hours completely derailing her day. I have been trying to recruit our mutual friend to go it, because I can't stomach doing this alone. I know I will be soooo embarassed.

 

 

See, I think this is really passive-aggressive and WRONG. She might be derailing your day when she does it, but that's because she's clueless. At least while she's there, she thinks she is being your friend and enjoying your company. But to go to her house and lie to her face for 6 hours just so that you can derail her day? That's mean.

 

The result: She's clueless, you're mean.

 

I don't think that's what you are looking for.

[UmMusa]

Call her the day before she normally comes ( or any day would do) and tell her let's set up a time you can come by. Then tell her what day would work and go on to say it needs to be after 3:00 so that you can get your work done. This puts you in charge of the visit and gives you a chance to say that you need to get work done. If she suggests to just drop by whenever you can guide it back on track and say 'nah that's really throwing us off'.

 

I would personally not be able to use the above mentioned lines to someone close to me like that. But you taking charge of the visit will put power in your hands instead of it being with your friend.

[Roadrunner]

I think the bottom line is I feel forced to host a family that runs over my house like a hurricane on a weeklely basis. While we love guests, I would like to have control when and how often I open my house up for this sort of thing. Basically I have this family for dinner at least once a week (I can't just not feed my family and I can't just feed only my family). It's a lot of work. Sometimes right after I have plunged into my armchair after 6 hour house cleaning, I have to (I do feel like I have no choice if they are in my house) host them, which includes cooking dinner (because they always stay for at least 5 hours and I don't usually cook on two families) and then another cleaning session and dishes.... Kids always walk in first and ask if they can visit while the adaults and parking. I really like this family and want to be friends, but I do feel they are treating my house like a hotel. Oh, I was on the way, let me pop in, oh it's so nice of you to feed us, oh maybe we will pop in tomorrow on the way. There have been cases that this happens several times a week. I am dreading the summer. I think I will start cooking for two families in the summer to save me some work.

I agree with Kristen. I have become passive agressive and I DON'T LIKE IT. We used to host our friends once every three weeks (several familities) for all day get togethers with tons of food and entertainment. I don't do this more because now I feel like this is a weekley event.

:crying:

[helena]

Could you put out one of those signs that some homeschoolers use to teach PS neighbor kids when it is or isn't time to come knocking?

 

SCHOOL IN SESSION

PLAY AND VISITING AFTER 3

 

Maybe she'll get a hint. If she asks about it I'd use the opportunity to vent about how important it is to complete school hours uninterrupted.

[Roadrunner]

Could you put out one of those signs that some homeschoolers use to teach PS neighbor kids when it is or isn't time to come knocking?

 

SCHOOL IN SESSION

PLAY AND VISITING AFTER 3

 

Maybe she'll get a hint. If she asks about it I'd use the opportunity to vent about how important it is to complete school hours uninterrupted.

 

only it's not school hours. It's entire Friday night, or entire Saturday or Sunday.

[TammyS]

I think the bottom line is I feel forced to host a family that runs over my house like a hurricane on a weeklely basis. While we love guests, I would like to have control when and how often I open my house up for this sort of thing. Basically I have this family for dinner at least once a week (I can't just not feed my family and I can't just feed only my family). It's a lot of work. Sometimes right after I have plunged into my armchair after 6 hour house cleaning, I have to (I do feel like I have no choice if they are in my house) host them, which includes cooking dinner (because they always stay for at least 5 hours and I don't usually cook on two families) and then another cleaning session and dishes.... Kids always walk in first and ask if they can visit while the adaults and parking. I really like this family and want to be friends, but I do feel they are treating my house like a hotel. Oh, I was on the way, let me pop in, oh it's so nice of you to feed us, oh maybe we will pop in tomorrow on the way. There have been cases that this happens several times a week. I am dreading the summer. I think I will start cooking for two families in the summer to save me some work.

I agree with Kristen. I have become passive agressive and I DON'T LIKE IT. We used to host our friends once every three weeks (several familities) for all day get togethers with tons of food and entertainment. I don't do this more because now I feel like this is a weekley event.

:crying:

 

I really think you need to come up with a script and deal with it.

 

It doesn't have to be mean.

 

"Listen, I love having your company, but I honestly can't afford to put as much time into company right now, because I have so much that I have to get done. Could you call before you and see if I'm caught up enough for company that day?" And next time she calls, tell her on the phone (if you feel like saying yes) "hey, I've got nothing in the fridge, if you are staying could you bring some pizzas?".

 

You'll save your sanity. Save your friendship. Save your grocery bill. And get back your self respect.

 

That HAS to be worth 15 seconds of discomfort (practice it, I promise it won't take more than 15 seconds to say it).

[helena]

I think the bottom line is I feel forced to host a family that runs over my house like a hurricane on a weeklely basis. While we love guests, I would like to have control when and how often I open my house up for this sort of thing. Basically I have this family for dinner at least once a week (I can't just not feed my family and I can't just feed only my family). It's a lot of work. Sometimes right after I have plunged into my armchair after 6 hour house cleaning, I have to (I do feel like I have no choice if they are in my house) host them, which includes cooking dinner (because they always stay for at least 5 hours and I don't usually cook on two families) and then another cleaning session and dishes.... Kids always walk in first and ask if they can visit while the adaults and parking. I really like this family and want to be friends, but I do feel they are treating my house like a hotel. Oh, I was on the way, let me pop in, oh it's so nice of you to feed us, oh maybe we will pop in tomorrow on the way. There have been cases that this happens several times a week. I am dreading the summer. I think I will start cooking for two families in the summer to save me some work.

I agree with Kristen. I have become passive agressive and I DON'T LIKE IT. We used to host our friends once every three weeks (several familities) for all day get togethers with tons of food and entertainment. I don't do this more because now I feel like this is a weekley event.

:crying:

 

You need to be honest then and tell your friend. It might be hard to stand your ground in the beginning, but just imagine how good you'll feel when all this shenanigans has stopped.

There's a kind polite way to say this. Sincerely tell her, I think I'm overwhelming myself by doing to much entertaining. How about we each host once a month? Something... If she's your friend, she'll understand. :grouphug:

[helena]

 

I really think you need to come up with a script and deal with it.

 

It doesn't have to be mean.

 

"Listen, I love having your company, but I honestly can't afford to put as much time into company right now, because I have so much that I have to get done. Could you call before you and see if I'm caught up enough for company that day?" And next time she calls, tell her on the phone (if you feel like saying yes) "hey, I've got nothing in the fridge, if you are staying could you bring some pizzas?".

 

You'll save your sanity. Save your friendship. Save your grocery bill. And get back your self respect.

 

That HAS to be worth 15 seconds of discomfort (practice it, I promise it won't take more than 15 seconds to say it).

 

:iagree:

[Dandelion]

Now that you've provided more details, I definitely think you need to be very direct with this family. From your initial post, I was imagining one person stopping by for coffee. Not an entire family who expects to you to visit with them and cook meals for them without any prior notice. :confused:

 

If it was once every couple months, that's one thing. But every week? No wonder you're resentful. It's entirely possible to say - in a nice way - that you would appreciate them calling you in advance so you can let them know whether it's a good time or not. You say you really like this family and want to remain friends with them. I think that will only be possible if you establish some boundaries here. :grouphug:

[Mergath]

Have a couple glasses of wine before you have "the talk" with her. Liquid courage. Works every time. ;)

[Um_2_4]

I would suddenly get really busy. Since you are not getting really any cleaning/organizing/school prep done during those times anyways, I would just become unavailable. Can you find something to do around town? Even if you can't go out, can you come up with some history/science project for them to work on on the weekend? When the kids run in, take them back out with you and tell the kids so parents can hear "Oh, well DC are working on a big school project, so can't play right now. In fact we are all really helping them with it."

I totally understand the unexpected guests and having to suddenly cook for double (or more) the usual number or the number you had planned on. But weekly, would drive me batty, not to mention wreck havoc with my food budget/planning.

There was a family I had to set boundaries with in regards to sending their kids over for the day (on the weekend). My kids didn't even want to play with these kids and she would send the toddler with them. I just told them sat am was family time.

[Murphy101]

So options:

 

Go hide in the bathroom and let your husband explain you/your family are not available for company. My dh would totally step up for me. Maybe yours will to?

 

Lent is this week! Tell them that you are giving up entertaining for lent and instead focusing on just family time on the weekends.

 

Lock the gate.

 

Lock the exterior doors do they can't just send the kids in. I have a glass door then the front door. I keep both locked. That way I can answer the front door, but the glass door stays locked.

 

Presumptively call her during the week and say you can't have company this weekend because you are making family plans. Game night or whatever. Make a big deal about it being JUST being your family.

 

Really tho if you want to stay friends and if you are in fact friends, you need to just tell her this isn't working for you.

[TXBeth]

How about when dinner time hits, "Well, I wish we could have you stay for dinner, but I really don't have enough since I didn't know you were coming. It was nice visiting with you though. Have a good week." Then a day or two later, send them an email or call and say something like "I was so sorry not to be able to have you guys stay for dinner! Let's arrange visits in advance from now on so I can be prepared. That will help me anyway since unexpecpected guests tend to throw off our daily schedule a bit. Would you be able to come over again on the 25th of next month (or whatever)? That sounds great! See you then!"

[sassenach]

I think the bottom line is I feel forced to host a family that runs over my house like a hurricane on a weeklely basis. While we love guests, I would like to have control when and how often I open my house up for this sort of thing. Basically I have this family for dinner at least once a week (I can't just not feed my family and I can't just feed only my family). It's a lot of work. Sometimes right after I have plunged into my armchair after 6 hour house cleaning, I have to (I do feel like I have no choice if they are in my house) host them, which includes cooking dinner (because they always stay for at least 5 hours and I don't usually cook on two families) and then another cleaning session and dishes.... Kids always walk in first and ask if they can visit while the adaults and parking. I really like this family and want to be friends, but I do feel they are treating my house like a hotel. Oh, I was on the way, let me pop in, oh it's so nice of you to feed us, oh maybe we will pop in tomorrow on the way. There have been cases that this happens several times a week. I am dreading the summer. I think I will start cooking for two families in the summer to save me some work.

I agree with Kristen. I have become passive agressive and I DON'T LIKE IT. We used to host our friends once every three weeks (several familities) for all day get togethers with tons of food and entertainment. I don't do this more because now I feel like this is a weekley event.

:crying:

 

 

Gently... you are not being forced. You invite them in. Yes, she's being rude, but you are inviting her in. You can be friendly and still not invite her in. You're making yourself and your husband miserable because you are unwilling to say a simple, "Hi! You know what, today isn't going to work for us. So good to see you, but we'll have to plan for another time. Call me!" In fact, the next time she comes over, you can walk right out your door and shut it behind you. Chat with her all the way back to her car. But if you don't, it's not her who is making you miserable, it's you.

[El...]

I have a friend who has taught me a lot about being direct. She is not mean, and does not mean to be rude, but she is extremely hospitable and generous herself and just doesn't see boundaries the way I see them. I have had to say things like, "When you did that, I really didn't like it" and "Next time, please do this" and it was SO UNCOMFORTABLE! But I like her, and want to continue to be her friend. If I didn't say it, she would have no clue and I would be progressively more angry. She reacted very well to the direct approach.

 

Be bold. Plan ahead, and then make a positive step. Honesty is worth courage!

[DianeW88]

Well, if that happened to me I would have to jump out the window, because people ONLY seem to come over when my house is trashed! :glare: If it looks fabulous.....crickets chirp all around. In fact, in my old house (which had a huge window right in the front door), my friend and I (who had the same style house) both would drop to the floor if someone rang the doorbell and our homes were a disaster. We even made sure nobody could see us by doing "trial runs" at each other's front door. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. My kids were trained from the time they were little to be absolutely silent if the doorbell rang and mommy wasn't dressed yet. :smilielol5: Unless it's the UPS man. He can come right in and bring his giant boxes of goodies with him. :w00t:

[Roadrunner]

Nobody else has this problem? :blink:

We have number of families in our "group of friends" and my house seems to be the only one that attracks this sort of behavior. This particular family certainly the biggest offender, but we routinely get unninvited guests. My husband says we should stop feeding them and they will stop coming :D.

 

Yes, now that I have talked about this I understand that part of the problem for me is the lack of control. I don't feel like I have control about comings and goings in my house. I think I need to really articulate that weekdays are off limites and I prefer to meet in the park on weekends (I can control how long I stay this way, versus sitting in my house and hoping they leave so we can practice piano, for example). I am afraid if I don't do something now, I will be in a worse situation next year when we are officially homeschooling (you are home, so it's O.K. attitude).

[tex-mex]

Um... had this issue with a newlywed couple who used to live in our apartment complex. They would often drop by unannounced... usually while I was homeschooling and stay for hours. I finally solved the issue by telling them no visiting during homeschool or family time. I also put a note on the door. If they'd knock (despite the note on the door), I'd creep up to the peephole to see if it were them... and quietly creep away if it was the "clueless" couple. I would not answer the door! After a while, they got the idea.

 

Now, 3 years later, we are good friends. As time went on and we got to know them with events and dinners... it became obvious they were nice people, but horribly lousy with keeping track of time. I noticed they were always in chaos or super late to appointments. It was their life pattern. Once I understood that... it became easier to deal with them. But oh boy, did I have to set boundaries!

[sassenach]

Nobody else has this problem? :blink:

We have number of families in our "group of friends" and my house seems to be the only one that attracks this sort of behavior. This particular family certainly the biggest offender, but we routinely get unninvited guests. My husband says we should stop feeding them and they will stop coming :D.

 

Yes, now that I have talked about this I understand that part of the problem for me is the lack of control. I don't feel like I have control about comings and goings in my house. I think I need to really articulate that weekdays are off limites and I prefer to meet in the park on weekends (I can control how long I stay this way, versus sitting in my house and hoping they leave so we can practice piano, for example). I am afraid if I don't do something now, I will be in a worse situation next year when we are officially homeschooling (you are home, so it's O.K. attitude).

 

Well, no.

 

It has happened, but we let the people know that it doesn't work for us. And we don't feed them! The common factor is you guys. If multiple people feel free to come over and stay, you guys are really not communicating well. On one side, you must be awfully gracious, and I think that is great. On the other side, you're being dishonest and building resentment.

 

I hope you find your voice!

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Your DH is right. You have this problem because you are feeding them! It's like feeding a stray cat once and then wondering why you now have to feed a dozen stray cats every night. Whatever you put out there, that's what you attract more of. (Ungrammatical. Sorry.) If you sow uninvited lasagna, you reap uninvited guests. Take back your life. Stop feeding and hosting stray people who use you, care nothing about your time and resources, and never even reciprocate.

 

"I can't, I'm too busy."

"Sorry, now's not a good time."

"These gatherings have been fun but I'm tired now. Call me when it's your turn to host and we'll come over. See you later!"

 

You can say these phrases. practice in front of a mirror, maybe?

[QuirkyKapers]

What is the worst thing that is going to happen if you set a firm boundary?

 

I have to look at my fear and see what is causing me so much stress by having my voice. Personally, I have found that a certain type of person shuts me down. I have no problem being clear and honest in my other relationships, so If I find that my voice is getting lost, it is time to create space. It might also mean ending the relationship. It isn't that I am not clear, it is the type of person that shuts me down is a master at not listening and turning what I have said around. I have to remind myself my other friends don't do this. :grouphug:

[StephanieZ]

Sounds like you need a plan. A script!

 

I like the idea of calling HER to PLAN a time to get together. You could even suggest a get together NOT at your house! Meet at a park or a restaurant or something like that!

 

Then, have a back up plan for what to do when she next shows up unannounced. OPTIONS:

 

Put together a supply of garage or basement clean out gear. A pile of empty boxes, a couple brooms/shovels, a bag of black garbage bags . . . Spend 20 minutes STARTING the project so in looks in progress. Then leave it be. Stash a pair of work gloves and a grubby painted on t-shirt near the front door. The minute she shows up at the door, grab those gloves, maybe a big broom and a half-filled black trash bag, (and put on the grubby tshirt if you have time), and open the door, looking very harried. "OH, JENNY! I WISH I could visit, but I just MUST finish cleaning the garage now! I can't possibly put you guys through this mess, so I can't play today! This garage just must be cleaned up or I might lose my mind right this minute!" And then give her a huge hug, grab that broom and whatnot and walk right to the garage (perfect, because if she sticks around, you'll have her outside, and she can watch you work or join in.) Worst case, she will stay and be bored out of her mind while you clean. When you get close to dinner time, explain that you can't cook tonight b/c you have to focus on this garage, so could she run out and get take out for everyone from the Chinese place? (It would NOT be rude to expect her to treat, as you are feeding her all the time! Do NOT offer to contribute any $$!)

 

If you repeat something like that a couple times, I can't imagine her visits won't reduce in frequency. It'll be a hassle, but worst case, you'll get some big cleaning projects done and she'll buy dinner. Best case, she'll leave quickly . . .

 

If you don't like that idea, an alternate would be the grab the keys and run an errand option someone mentioned. Surely, you could say that, "Oh, Jenny! I'm so sorry we can't visit, because I just realized (seconds ago, lol), that I need to run to Target! Gotta' load up and go! WOOOHOOO!! LITTLE KIDS -- grab your shoes, we're going to Target, because I just have to get those thingies! (What thingies? Have this in mind!! Come up with some grocery item . . . I have a terrible craving for XYZ dessert, so I need X -- fresh berries or whipped cream would be vital components to many faves that you might not have on hand . . .)

 

You definitely need a game plan! Good luck!

[StephanieZ]

Steam cleaning the carpet would be a good one, too. You can't possibly have guests if you are going to have wet carpets!

[SunnyDays]

I'm another one who just doesn't answer the door. Like a PP said, my home is my sanctuary and I don't suddenly like feeling that I have to be "on" for someone when I'd rather be in my pajamas on the couch.

 

OP, I understand you don't have the same option due to your house set up. But I agree with the others. Tibbie is right, if you keep feeding them and letting it happen, it will never stop. And the fact that you say it happens with others as well tells me that you're a very nice person and a gracious hostess, but need to develop a bit of a backbone and some boundaries.

 

My best friend sometimes has this problem, because she is just so kind and hates saying no to people, especially family. I remind her that one day, she's going to snap and run screaming into the night because of one unannounced visitor or one request from family too many. I'm good at saying no, LOL, so I will sometimes actually roleplay a conversation with her. Maybe someone can do that for you to bolster your nerve a bit. Good luck!!

[elegantlion]

OMG! You're feeding them, an entire family, staying for most of the day on the weekend?! You really do need to be more direct, or have dh do it. Or just be gone for a couple of weekends.

 

I'm sorry, it will be hard and you'll feel like you've slighted them, but your time and your house are just that. They don't have a key or pay the bills. You could start working on taxes in front of them, that might be diversion enough for them to scatter.

[gardenmom5]

OMG! You're feeding them, an entire family, staying for most of the day on the weekend?! You really do need to be more direct, or have dh do it. Or just be gone for a couple of weekends.

 

I'm sorry, it will be hard and you'll feel like you've slighted them, but your time and your house are just that. They don't have a key or pay the bills. You could start working on taxes in front of them, that might be diversion enough for them to scatter.

 

why should they leave if they're getting fed? my grandmother's midwestern hospitality drilled into her you must feed guests even if it meant going without your own dinner. that she gripped about it up oneside and down the other afterwards is an aside. so if I was there and she offered to feed me - I refused (I knew she'd be gripping about it behind my back. - oh, refusing led to her gripping too.). I hadn't come to eat anything, and to my grandmother who routinely showed up two hours (or more) before a family dinner, a two hour visit was short.

 

another thing - do you know how to give social cues that a visit is over? you need to learn. feeding people is a cue you WANT them to STAY. stop feeding them anything more than a drink of water or juice.

start with saying what a nice visit you had, but you need to start on 'whatever' so you'll see her later. then STAND UP AND WALK TOWARDS THE DOOR! grab her coat, help her into it, open the door and indicate you expect her to go through it.

 

giving someone social cues they are welcome anytime and can stay is rude - because it leads to you complaining about them behind their backs.

[Lisbeth]

Nobody dares come to my door unannounced lol I don't let them in. I lack any manners in that regard. I will talk to you on the front step for a minute to tell you that I am busy at the present time and perhaps they can call to arrange a visit next time and then I say goodbye and shut my door. My home is my space, I hate people in my space and need time to prepare myself for it. I feel it is a huge invasion even when they are invited. To simply show up would not be allowed. Even with the kids have friends show up unannounced they have to play outside for quite sometime before I allow them in, don't just show up looking for me to entertain you as if i have no plans of my own. Even if my plans were to simply sit and drink coffee in front of the tv.

 

This! I think dropins are the height of rudeness.

[KungFuPanda]

I love drop ins, but I don't get them every week. If it became a nuisance, I'd make a point of saying. "Wow, kids, you got lucky. Go take a break for 40 minutes so that we can have tea, but then it's back to lessons/chores/errands."

 

Set a timer, and shoo your guest off when it goes off by calling your kids back to the table, jumping into chores, or getting on your shoes and heading out the door. Your guest might have no idea how you feel and may genuinely believe you're enjoying the visit.

[Impish]

I'd lose it w/drop ins. Seriously. There is ONE person I can think of that I'm good w/just showing up, and she'd give me a call on her cell and say, "Want a Timmies?" and come over 10 mins later. Of course, SpecialMama has also seen me in the worst possible condition, as well as the house, so it's all good.

 

If I'm not expecting someone, I look out the peephole, ensure it's not Canada Post, and walk away.

[Roadrunner]

O.K. I think I got a plan! No more food. This is really awkward. It is so ingrained in me that you must feed guests, but I can do this. NO MORE FOOD! :)

 

Next time, after about an hour of visiting, I am going to go be honest and say that I have to be somewhere. I can't tell you how many times I couldn't get grocery shopping or lots of other errands done because of This situation. This way I am honest, we get to visit and I don't feel overwhelmed. I will point blank ask her to first arrange time next time so I can work around my schedule. I can do this nicely, I think.

Reality is I don't mind random drop-ins once a while. If this happened once every other month, I would have no problem at all. I would actually greatly enjoy it. Every week or couple times a week is too much pressure on my life and schedule. This is a good friend, which is why I care not to upset her. All of you are right. I can't be a good friend if I feel this way.