Son says having to play piano is...

[Hedgehogs4]

Like punishment for something he didn't do.

 

He has been playing for four years. He is very capable, does very well, but only does the minimum required of him. He never, ever chooses to play piano out of his own desire, but rather only because he is required to.

 

I always told him that I wanted him to play for five years and then if he would like to choose a different instrument, that would be okay. I really feel that music is an important part of a well-rounded course of study and don't think it should be optional, but I also don't want him to hate it, which he says he does.

 

He is getting to that age where anything that is not easy is like torture and he acts as if I am killing him.

 

What to do??? Let him quit. Insist on continuing. 30 minutes a day (the absolute minimum) is what I require, though I would love to push it to 45--it's just that I know the c*** I'll get from him if I do.

[Acorn]

Instead of quitting, have you tried decreasing the required amount of practice?

[Arcadia]

He has been playing for four years. He is very capable, does very well, but only does the minimum required of him. He never, ever chooses to play piano out of his own desire, but rather only because he is required to.

What to do??? Let him quit. Insist on continuing. 30 minutes a day (the absolute minimum) is what I require, though I would love to push it to 45--it's just that I know the c*** I'll get from him if I do.

 

Is he taking piano lessons? Does he play any other musical instrument.

 

I would drop piano lessons if he is taking and just let him play piano pieces of his own choosing for 30mins per day. I would let him buy a piano book of his own choosing if he does not like any of the piano books at home.

 

If he plays another musical instrument, than I would see if he is more interested in the other.

[Julie Smith]

The important question (I think) is why do you want him to take piano? Is there anyway that need can be fulfilled without him taking piano?

[Alte Veste Academy]

Why not let him switch instruments now? I also believe music is important but I think it's even more important to love your instrument. My kids all take piano (because DH and I think it's important) but we let them each self-select an instrument to learn simultaneously. DS9 plays guitar and he loves it. Picks it up all the time and plays it. Takes it when we travel and plays it. He practices piano dutifully, without complaint, but he loves the guitar. DD self-selected violin, learned and played beautifully for a year, then wanted to drop it. No problem. I'm all about her finding her fit and I refuse to make instrument choice a hill to die on. She's learning guitar this year and enjoying it so far...continuing with piano and enjoying that too. There is a Daddy factor with guitar, as DH plays. DS6 is eagerly anticipating drum lessons. :tongue_smilie:

 

If my kids all started hating piano but still enjoyed their self-selected instruments, I would drop the piano in a heartbeat. The point is for them to love music, not a specific instrument.

Edited October 24, 2012 by Alte Veste Academy

[FairProspects]

Why not let him switch instruments now?

 

If my kids all started hating piano but still enjoyed their self-selected instruments, I would drop the piano in a heartbeat. The point is for them to love music, not a specific instrument.

 

:iagree:I would probably let him quit, if there was another instrument he wanted to switch to. But that is just me and I definitely don't have any BTDT advice since we are only in ds's 2nd yr of piano.

[Haiku]

Let him quit. Four years is more than enough time for him to realize he just doesn't like it.

 

Tara

[Abbeygurl4]

My dd (9) took piano lessons from age 5-8. She was much like your ds, she did well but hated it and never played for pleasure. I let her quit when she was 8. After a little over a year of no piano, she sat down and started playing then asked if she could take lessons again. I told her she could, but she had to take it seriously. She had to make a commitment to practice 30 minutes every day without me nagging and commit to a year of lessons. She has been practicing 45+ minutes each day and I never have to remind her.

 

I think after a few years of lessons if a child really dislikes music lessons, why force it.

[justLisa]

Why does he need it? You do not have to play piano to be well rounded. If he has any desire to play something else let him.

 

FWIW I went through a period of hating piano. I started playing flute when I was 7 and all through school. I went back to piano and majored in college

[kristin0713]

We require music as well so I know where you are coming from. If it were my son, and he had been taking lessons for four years and was playing well, I would not let him quit altogether, but I would let him switch to a different instrument.

 

In addition to instrumental lessons, my kids are also involved in a choir where they do ensemble work with chimes and other percussion instruments. If they do four years of piano and then want to choose another instument or just continue choir, or drop choir and focus on an instrument, that is fine with me, as long as they are continuing formal music instruction in some capacity.

[Hedgehogs4]

He is not currently taking another instrument. I would be more than willing to let him drop if he even expressed an interest--even in percussion. I broached the subject with him today. The thought of playing the drums caused him to raise an eyebrow and he said, "Let me think about it--but I can never get the patterns right." :lol: I said, "That is why you take lessons." and he said with relief, "OH!" as though the thought never occurred to him.

[momacacia]

Is there any way to find music that he loves to play? Maybe that would inspire him. Even if it is movie themes, jazz, other songs. Take on an entirely different time period or style of music, but on the piano. It doesn't have to all be Bach and Mozart (even though that's how it really should be ;)).

[Peregrine]

Hi! I'm a piano teacher. You've brought me out of lurkdom.

 

First, I would suggest decreasing the practice time. Make it goal-based instead of just putting in time. Have your son select a small section of the piece he is working on (say 2-3 measures?) and choose one goal for the practice. For instance, it could be "to remember to play the F# in the left hand". Then he works ONLY on that section. Put 5 pennies on the music stand. When he plays the section and meets the goal (in this case, playing the F#'s), he slides one penny to the left. If he plays it incorrectly, one penny goes back to the right. When all 5 pennies are to the left, he has met his goal! Then he plays the whole piece (or a section of it, if it's a longer piece). And then he is DONE and has actually accomplished something. If he does this 5-6 days a week, he will make great progress and spend a lot less time practicing.

 

I would also advise that you let him choose one day a week of rest from practicing. If he already has Sundays off, as many families do, let him select one other day. Having a break goes a long way. Perhaps on that day he could choose a CD that features piano (any genre) to listen to, or could read a book about a composer. Then he's still getting a well-rounded music education. Some of that may also spark interest.

 

How is his relationship with his piano teacher?

[Tracy]

He is not currently taking another instrument. I would be more than willing to let him drop if he even expressed an interest--even in percussion. I broached the subject with him today. The thought of playing the drums caused him to raise an eyebrow and he said, "Let me think about it--but I can never get the patterns right." :lol: I said, "That is why you take lessons." and he said with relief, "OH!" as though the thought never occurred to him.

 

I would totally let him do percussion. I used to be in a drum & bugle corps, and I regularly show my kids YouTube videos of drum lines. They are just so cool.

[Hedgehogs4]

Is there any way to find music that he loves to play? Maybe that would inspire him. Even if it is movie themes, jazz, other songs. Take on an entirely different time period or style of music, but on the piano. It doesn't have to all be Bach and Mozart (even though that's how it really should be ;)).

 

That is the approach we are taking at the moment, and thanks for the insight. He loves jazz and show tunes. His current recital piece is "You've got a Friend in Me" from Toy Story--he likes it!

 

I posted this and not 15 minutes later got a very clear answer from him as to what is going on. He has recently moved into a much more difficult level of study. His teacher, wanting to both challenge and motivate him, piled on WAY TOO MUCH the past couple of weeks, and he feels that he cannot make progress on any one piece. He was huffing and puffing and miserable so I went in to the piano room and asked what was wrong and he started to cry and finally said, "Mom, I'm just overwhelmed. I can't get anywhere with these songs." I told him to bag everything except his two recital pieces, to "step away from the piano" :001_smile: and go wash his face, and I would talk to his teacher. Within minutes he was feeling better and had a smile on his face.

 

I think that after the Christmas recital I will allow him to seriously re-evaluate where his music study is headed and possibly let him change instruments or even take a break completely from music to explore some other avenues.

[blondeviolin]

I'm not sure I'd let him quit. I took violin for YEARS and only because my parents wanted me to and my dad was so proud of me I couldn't admit that I hated going to lessons. BUT, now, I LOVE that I play. I love the accomplishment it is. I love the music and feeling it gives our home. My mom also taught each of us piano and it's nice to be able to just sit at the piano and sing and have my kids sing and dance around me.

 

My husband took piano for a few months, it was "hard" and so his parents let him quit. It's one of those big things he wishes his parents would have pushed him more to do.

 

That being said, there's nothing wrong with taking a step back, a break, or even going back and working on one challenging song and the rest be easy/fun pieces. Learning an instrument can be a lot like learning to read in that respect.

[Arcadia]

His teacher, wanting to both challenge and motivate him, piled on WAY TOO MUCH the past couple of weeks, and he feels that he cannot make progress on any one piece.

 

Sometimes the teacher push more than the parent because they feel that they have to show a certain amount of progress to justify the fees. I had different piano tutor for 11 years and they all feel that they have to have a minimum amount of progress to show the parent.

 

I stopped playing the piano for 7 years, started again to teach my hubby and I am still able to play comfortably. Hubby started playing piano at 29 and he is at about ABRSM grade 3 level now. So it does not hurt to stop for awhile and never too late to start.

[crazyforlatin]

DD's piano teacher is me, so I pace her according to her age and ability. I break down a piece of music into many parts and have her practice a few measures until she feels she can move forward.

 

I would choose pieces that are contemporary for now. Drop classical music until his interest in piano resumes. Or even if it resumes, it doesn't HAVE to be classical if he prefers something else. Better to play than not.

 

If DD didn't want to continue piano after 4 years, I would switch to the drums. I started it when I was in my 20’s and would have loved it if I had learned it as a child. Or I would switch to the guitar.

[crazyforlatin]

Sometimes the teacher push more than the parent because they feel that they have to show a certain amount of progress to justify the fees. I had different piano tutor for 11 years and they all feel that they have to have a minimum amount of progress to show the parent.

 

I stopped playing the piano for 7 years, started again to teach my hubby and I am still able to play comfortably. Hubby started playing piano at 29 and he is at about ABRSM grade 3 level now. So it does not hurt to stop for awhile and never too late to start.

 

It's so true that it's never too late to start. My brother dropped piano completely when he was a kid because of an awful, and I mean, really awful teacher. He relearned it on his own as an adult and even composes!

[thebacabunch]

I did 5 years of violin with dd starting at almost 5 yrs old. SHe loathed and at 12 still loathes the violin. Hates it with a passion. She enjoys hearing violin music here and there, but would rather die than play one. After years of torture I finally let her choose her instrument, acoustic guitar, and she happily plays it at least an hour a day. She also taught herself to play the ukelele. I never have to remind her to practice.

 

I strongly believe that music should be a part of a well rounded education. I also believe that, if possible, a kid should be able to play the instrument they choose. Such a huge difference! My dd will look up music to play. She is constantly asking to go to the music store to pick up more books. It is a beautiful thing to see a child enjoy music.

 

I always wanted to play the piano or violin myself. That just isn't who my daughter is.

[Wildiris]

That is the approach we are taking at the moment, and thanks for the insight. He loves jazz and show tunes. His current recital piece is "You've got a Friend in Me" from Toy Story--he likes it!

 

I posted this and not 15 minutes later got a very clear answer from him as to what is going on. He has recently moved into a much more difficult level of study. His teacher, wanting to both challenge and motivate him, piled on WAY TOO MUCH the past couple of weeks, and he feels that he cannot make progress on any one piece. He was huffing and puffing and miserable so I went in to the piano room and asked what was wrong and he started to cry and finally said, "Mom, I'm just overwhelmed. I can't get anywhere with these songs." I told him to bag everything except his two recital pieces, to "step away from the piano" :001_smile: and go wash his face, and I would talk to his teacher. Within minutes he was feeling better and had a smile on his face.

 

I think that after the Christmas recital I will allow him to seriously re-evaluate where his music study is headed and possibly let him change instruments or even take a break completely from music to explore some other avenues.

 

Making progress is huge. If your son feels overwhelmed, maybe you want to reevaluate your piano teacher. A good piano teacher can read kids well, knows the rate at which they learn, and knows if kids practice.

 

At some point kids ask themselves, "Why am I doing this." The hours are long and the focus intense with piano study. Then there is the pull of other things to pursue: A sport, theater, another art form.

 

Rather than pushing your son into a mold that might not fit him, let him pursue his interests with the same dedication you expected him to give his piano studies. You both might be happier.

[Hedgehogs4]

Hi! I'm a piano teacher. You've brought me out of lurkdom.

 

First, I would suggest decreasing the practice time. Make it goal-based instead of just putting in time. Have your son select a small section of the piece he is working on (say 2-3 measures?) and choose one goal for the practice. For instance, it could be "to remember to play the F# in the left hand". Then he works ONLY on that section. Put 5 pennies on the music stand. When he plays the section and meets the goal (in this case, playing the F#'s), he slides one penny to the left. If he plays it incorrectly, one penny goes back to the right. When all 5 pennies are to the left, he has met his goal! Then he plays the whole piece (or a section of it, if it's a longer piece). And then he is DONE and has actually accomplished something. If he does this 5-6 days a week, he will make great progress and spend a lot less time practicing.

 

I would also advise that you let him choose one day a week of rest from practicing. If he already has Sundays off, as many families do, let him select one other day. Having a break goes a long way. Perhaps on that day he could choose a CD that features piano (any genre) to listen to, or could read a book about a composer. Then he's still getting a well-rounded music education. Some of that may also spark interest.

 

How is his relationship with his piano teacher?

 

Wow! thanks so much for this advice...it's really a good idea. As I said, though, he is not spending too much time in practice--just the minimum, so time put in is not the problem! I do think that practicing differently could really be helpful. I played piano for 7 years and can sit down and play what I want to play now as an adult, so I am able to help him, and I do have him break down his songs into just a few measures and work through them that way. Right now he is doing one piece one musical phrase at a time and it is helping.

 

His piano teacher is wonderful--she is young, energetic and attractive, which has always been a bonus for him (When we first started he had a crush on her which proved to be a big motivator for having lessons! :lol:)

She does allow the kids flexibility and helps them to choose music according to their interests and abilities. She tells me her goals for him each week and I try to help him meet them.

 

I really appreciate all the replies. I also had the experience of hating piano lessons and practice but now I'm glad that I stuck with it. I also picked up guitar along the way and play both regularly, but he is a different person and I don't want to assume that my experience will be his...

Edited October 25, 2012 by Hedgehogs4

[fourisenough]

My older girls played violin and viola for years and years. Every minute was sheer torture. When I think of the money, time, and brain cells expended trying to get them to be musical or at least enjoy it a little bit, I cringe! Some kids are and some aren't. Sounds to me like you've given it a good try. I'd let go and let him quit. You'll be amazed what a relief it is!

[Amy M]

Kelly! I always enjoy reading your comments, though I usually don't say anything; but I love piano, so this caught my eye today! My $.02 are the same as what many other already stated. I was a piano major in college and an instructor for a couple of years; I always loved to play. I think desire plays a big role, as you stated. My mom's goal with all of her daughters was that each of us would take lessons long enough to be able to pick out a part in a church choir--basically, be musically literate. Two of us excelled; one wanted to, but quit after 7th grade, as she just couldn't get any farther; one couldn't get the idea of "Let not thy right hand know what thy left hand doeth"--totally uncoordinated, and quit after 3 years. But we all can sing in harmony together, sing for choirs, and funnily enough, I who majored in it don't use it so much as a homeschooler on the mission field :crying:, and my sister who quit after 7th is stretched to run the music program and play the piano weekly for her small church.

 

I have heard adults express regret that they quit or didn't get lessons as a child. While you can learn as an adult, it's harder--usually adults don't have the time to learn a new talent, or it just doesn't come as fast and their fingers are not as flexible. So I would balance a couple of factors in the decision-making: does he hate just the piano, or all music in general, or as you referenced, just frustrated with more challenging pieces recently? If it were just the piano, but he was willing to sing in a choir or begin another instrument, great; keep him doing something musical as much as possible. All sports and no music makes for all brawn and no brain; all arts and no athletics makes for a bent wrist. :lol: I'm paraphrasing a quote from Aristotle or some such classic guy that my music teacher in college quoted, but can't remember exactly now. (I know--doesn't bode well for the whole classical ed thing...)

 

I would assess how talented he is (maybe get teacher's help with this, since she sounds really great). Has he gone as far as he can and is just :banghead: to go further? Or does he have really great potential, and it would be a shame to let further development go because of junior high emotions?

That to say, four years is plenty, if he has met a minimum of musical literacy that you expected, and if he wouldn't be talented enough or desire it enough to pursue a career in it or use it much later on (if he were to cultivate his musical knowledge in another instrument/voice instead).

 

I also think that depending on all those factors, 20 minutes of practice 5 days a week is enough for now. Unless he's got awesome potential and needs a bit of a tiger mom behind him to get him to that stage where he competitively pushes himself further. Which is hard to imagine if he has no personal desire for it. Also, as a Christian, there are so many opportunities to use music to glorify God. Has he learned enough to do that to the best of his ability and can stop now? I was repetitive; hope I didn't confuse further.

[Amy M]

One other thought: for a change of pace/direction in lessons, if he is at a certain ability level, he could begin learning how to accompany for church worship. That would be a very practical, yet different, direction you could go for a while. (Depends on his ability level, though.)

[Amy M]

On the other hand, I've heard plenty of stories from people in the same situation who were never happy about being forced to do it.

 

I took an instrument in school. I hated it. My parents let me quit. I have no regrets about quitting. I still have no desire to play that particular instrument.

Really? I've never heard people say that they wish they hadn't been pushed to do it; rather, the opposite. Maybe they just say that to me because they know I'm musical and they're trying to relate. :D Not saying nobody can quit. Everybody eventually will! But it gives the impression that musical education isn't needed (kind of like SWB says in TWTM about IEW giving the impression that grammar isn't necessary, same line of "impression"). I think everybody should get some sort of education in actual music, not just music appreciation. My MIL got music lessons for all of her kids except for my husband, because she deemed that he had no ear for it (he couldn't sing on pitch very well), and we both wish that she had allowed him to take lessons as well. :glare: He has a nice singing voice, but can't read parts, and is just the tiniest hair flat at times. Everybody should get a chance, at least for a year or two of piano lessons.

[kesmom]

On the other hand, I've heard plenty of stories from people in the same situation who were never happy about being forced to do it.

 

 

This. I wasn't allowed to quit when I asked (around ages 9-11) because of "my potential" and "regretting it when I was older" etc... While I came to enjoy playing as I got older and my skills increased, I don't think I've touched a piano since I was about 20. The desire is just not there.

 

I just think childhood is too short to waste being miserable in an extra curricular activity. They can return to it later if the desire returns. I'm not advocating quitting every activity the moment it gets hard either. Parents have to use their own discretion to determine the appropriate length of time.

[Hedgehogs4]

Kelly! I always enjoy reading your comments, though I usually don't say anything; but I love piano, so this caught my eye today!

 

Thank you! :001_smile:

 

I would assess how talented he is (maybe get teacher's help with this, since she sounds really great). Has he gone as far as he can and is just :banghead: to go further? Or does he have really great potential, and it would be a shame to let further development go because of junior high emotions?

 

The emotion thing is what I am trying to determine. His teacher has repeatedly told both of us that he has talent. He has natural rhythm and can "hear" things that other kids simply don't or can't hear.

 

That to say, four years is plenty, if he has met a minimum of musical literacy that you expected, and if he wouldn't be talented enough or desire it enough to pursue a career in it or use it much later on (if he were to cultivate his musical knowledge in another instrument/voice instead).

 

I also think that depending on all those factors, 20 minutes of practice 5 days a week is enough for now. Unless he's got awesome potential and needs a bit of a tiger mom behind him to get him to that stage where he competitively pushes himself further. Which is hard to imagine if he has no personal desire for it. Also, as a Christian, there are so many opportunities to use music to glorify God. Has he learned enough to do that to the best of his ability and can stop now? I was repetitive; hope I didn't confuse further.

I definitely could not be accused of being a tiger mom. I worry I'm too lenient! :tongue_smilie:

 

 

 

I just think childhood is too short to waste being miserable in an extra curricular activity. They can return to it later if the desire returns. I'm not advocating quitting every activity the moment it gets hard either. Parents have to use their own discretion to determine the appropriate length of time.

 

I think your choice of words here sort of separates the opinions...is music EXTRA-curricular or part of your core? If it were just an extracurricular activity, I would drop it. My struggle is based in the fact that in our family music has never been an extracurricular thing, but a given. We study math, grammar, history, science, grammar, p.e., music and drawing. These things all round out an education in the grammar years and make it possible for someone to choose and specialize later, having been exposed to all areas of study.

 

After reading this thread I am going to challenge him not to quit when the going is tough, but to see this through to the five-year mark, which is what we told him we wanted him to complete when he started. We are coming up on that in the spring. At that point, I think we will re-evaluate the future of his music study.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I think your choice of words here sort of separates the opinions...is music EXTRA-curricular or part of your core? If it were just an extracurricular activity, I would drop it. My struggle is based in the fact that in our family music has never been an extracurricular thing, but a given. We study math, grammar, history, science, grammar, p.e., music and drawing. These things all round out an education in the grammar years and make it possible for someone to choose and specialize later, having been exposed to all areas of study.

 

After reading this thread I am going to challenge him not to quit when the going is tough, but to see this through to the five-year mark, which is what we told him we wanted him to complete when he started. We are coming up on that in the spring. At that point, I think we will re-evaluate the future of his music study.

 

Seeing how important music is to you, would it be in the budget to add another instrument now, to be learned simultaneously? Instead of potentially switching from piano at the 5 year mark, it is possible that a second instrument could renew his interest in the piano. Sometimes I think it is DS9's guitar playing that keeps him happy enough in piano. One of the coolest things for me is to see him learn and play something on guitar and then spin around and play the same piece of music on piano, or vice versa.

[crazyforlatin]

Seeing how important music is to you, would it be in the budget to add another instrument now, to be learned simultaneously? Instead of potentially switching from piano at the 5 year mark, it is possible that a second instrument could renew his interest in the piano. Sometimes I think it is DS9's guitar playing that keeps him happy enough in piano. One of the coolest things for me is to see him learn and play something on guitar and then spin around and play the same piece of music on piano, or vice versa.

 

That's what DD is doing, trying to strum the same music she learned on the piano, but having had no lessons, it's a slow process. I thought she would give up, but everyday she keeps forging ahead. I was waiting for the guitar to be tossed aside to avoid adding another instrument, but it's time to start thinking of lessons.

[kesmom]

I think your choice of words here sort of separates the opinions...is music EXTRA-curricular or part of your core? If it were just an extracurricular activity, I would drop it. My struggle is based in the fact that in our family music has never been an extracurricular thing, but a given. We study math, grammar, history, science, grammar, p.e., music and drawing. These things all round out an education in the grammar years and make it possible for someone to choose and specialize later, having been exposed to all areas of study.

 

 

I hear what you are saying. My personal opinion would be that he has had several years of exposure to piano instruction. And it is certainly okay to revise the original plan, whether that be to explore other instruments or to take a period of time to focus on music history/appreciation or whatever. He could even have a short scheduled break from music - how many times do people suggest that when there are struggles with math, writing or other subjects?

[Arcadia]

.is music EXTRA-curricular or part of your core? If it were just an extracurricular activity, I would drop it. My struggle is based in the fact that in our family music has never been an extracurricular thing, but a given.

 

Music is a core here but choice of instruments is up to my kids. So I would let my children switch instruments but not drop music. We have a piano, two violins and a clarinet and we might add some more instruments for leisure :D

[Paula in MS]

One other thought: for a change of pace/direction in lessons, if he is at a certain ability level, he could begin learning how to accompany for church worship. That would be a very practical, yet different, direction you could go for a while. (Depends on his ability level, though.)

 

This is the best idea yet. This could also apply to popular music as well. Learning accompaniment and basic chord theory could also jump him into guitar.

 

I am a piano teacher with a child who hates piano. She has talent but does not want to practice. My deal with her is that she completes a set of lesson books all the way through. She can drag through it or get busy and get it done. At that point, she will be a competent pianist and can quit. Her dad is also a very talented guitarist, but she is not interested in that either. I'm pretty sure there are guitar lessons in her future. :D Poor child. Mean Mom.

 

Our church and homeschool group both have music clubs/worship bands. At some point she is going to be thrilled that she can participate. She is only 10 now, though.

 

I just tell her, "I know you don't like it. You don't like math or Latin, either. That doesn't mean we don't study it."

[JenC3]

Let him quit. Four years is more than enough time for him to realize he just doesn't like it.

 

Tara

 

Yep, but do see if he wants a new instrument.

[raceNzanesmom]

IDK. Many kids hate it in the younger years.

 

My friend's ds fought it clear into his teen years, then something clicked and he's now on a music scholarship and lives and breathes piano.

 

Another friend's ds wanted drums. She allowed it, but he had to continue with piano. Now as an adult he plays awesome drums- and often- but he can also play piano.

 

At age 11, I'd have him keep going.

[Hedgehogs4]

I hear what you are saying. My personal opinion would be that he has had several years of exposure to piano instruction. And it is certainly okay to revise the original plan, whether that be to explore other instruments or to take a period of time to focus on music history/appreciation or whatever. He could even have a short scheduled break from music - how many times do people suggest that when there are struggles with math, writing or other subjects?

 

:glare: but that would mean being flexible, wouldn't it? :lol: No--I hear your intention, and this thread and all the wonderful thoughts expressed have been extremely helpful in sorting this all out. I'm considering the break and when it should come. It's a matter of balancing "quitting" vs. "re-evaluating." I don't want him to quit. A change of course is certainly possible though.

[lea1]

One of my sons has taking violin for almost 2 years and the other started piano during the summer. I wanted to share an interesting thing that happened here. Last summer, I decided that we all needed a break from everything scheduled (school, sports, music, etc.). So we took one month off of everything this past summer. It was very freeing and just felt wonderful. But the funny thing that happened is that violin-son started practicing his violin more than ever - sometimes more than once a day and always for an extended period of time. He was getting so much more joy out of it, it was amazing to me. He was playing all of the songs that he wanted to played, that he enjoyed or was interested in. I don't believe he has ever taken quite as much joy in his practicing as he did during that one month.

 

He is again taking lessons now and has also been participating in our local youth orchestra. Last week, he had 4 pieces of music to practice for the orchestra and then another 3 or 4 that he was working on just for regular practice. He was at a point that he really just did not want to practice at all and I knew it was because of what you are talking about...he was overwhelmed and just had too much (he just turned 7YO). I told him to drop the orchestra pieces and focus on his normal pieces. He was so happy, although his violin teacher was not too happy that he is no longer going to play with the orchestra. I just got the feeling she was spending too much time on making sure that he could play the orchestra pieces but not really 'teaching' him and moving him forward in a methodical way. I decided that he can rejoin the youth orchestra when he is a bit older if he wants. He is definitely much happier about it.

[Peregrine]

Wow! thanks so much for this advice...it's really a good idea. As I said, though, he is not spending too much time in practice--just the minimum, so time put in is not the problem! I do think that practicing differently could really be helpful. I played piano for 7 years and can sit down and play what I want to play now as an adult, so I am able to help him, and I do have him break down his songs into just a few measures and work through them that way. Right now he is doing one piece one musical phrase at a time and it is helping.

 

His piano teacher is wonderful--she is young, energetic and attractive, which has always been a bonus for him (When we first started he had a crush on her which proved to be a big motivator for having lessons! :lol:)

She does allow the kids flexibility and helps them to choose music according to their interests and abilities. She tells me her goals for him each week and I try to help him meet them.

 

I really appreciate all the replies. I also had the experience of hating piano lessons and practice but now I'm glad that I stuck with it. I also picked up guitar along the way and play both regularly, but he is a different person and I don't want to assume that my experience will be his...

 

It sounds like you've already figured out some great strategies on the advice here. I would just continue to encourage you not to set a minimum time of practice, even if it is a short time like 30 minutes. Having progressed through graduate school with my instrument, I know how easy it is to fall into a pattern of just putting in time with the instrument without actually accomplishing anything--which is both frustrating and tiring! Goal-oriented practice is much, much more productive. It should be a short, simple, attainable, and specific goal in each session of practice. Some kids, when they are told that they can be done when "x" is accomplished are able to muster some enthusiasm and attention that didn't seem to be there when practice was just about playing for 30 minutes or playing a song a certain number of times. This is going to be even more true when your son is feeling overwhelmed with difficult music. Sit with him for a minute or two, let him play one of the songs, and help him identify what needs to be improved. Then pick a very short amount of music and set a specific goal. When it's accomplished, he's done. Maybe add to that a review of scales or playing over another piece that is to be memorized, etc. But he should always know WHY he is practicing any particular piece.

 

I've really enjoyed this blog. I wish I had read some of his stuff when I was younger! It's written for professional or aspiring musicians, but I think you could easily adapt some of his techniques to help your son feel like practicing isn't a chore.

 

http://www.bulletproofmusician.com/blog/

Edited October 25, 2012 by Peregrine

[J-rap]

You have a lot of great ideas here, so I don't think I can add anything new! Just wanted to say that he sounds like my son when he was that age. He ended up grudgingly playing the piano for five years, certainly not moving along as quickly as he could because he did not enjoy it. From there he moved on to a choir.

 

Now at age 24, he is so, so grateful that he at least stuck it out for five years. He doesn't play the piano at all, but listening to and studying classical music is his most enjoyable pastime. He is so glad he has the background to understand it.

[TippyCanoe]

nm

[LMD]

I'm not sure I'd let him quit. I took violin for YEARS and only because my parents wanted me to and my dad was so proud of me I couldn't admit that I hated going to lessons. BUT, now, I LOVE that I play. I love the accomplishment it is. I love the music and feeling it gives our home. My mom also taught each of us piano and it's nice to be able to just sit at the piano and sing and have my kids sing and dance around me.

 

My husband took piano for a few months, it was "hard" and so his parents let him quit. It's one of those big things he wishes his parents would have pushed him more to do.

 

That being said, there's nothing wrong with taking a step back, a break, or even going back and working on one challenging song and the rest be easy/fun pieces. Learning an instrument can be a lot like learning to read in that respect.

 

:iagree:

I would require it for these reasons, though I'd look for ways to increase the love.

 

It is never too late to learn, 2 years ago we bought a piano, I've done 3 piano exams so far and loving it. Something I always wanted to do...

[Hedgehogs4]

It sounds like you've already figured out some great strategies on the advice here. I would just continue to encourage you not to set a minimum time of practice, even if it is a short time like 30 minutes. Having progressed through graduate school with my instrument, I know how easy it is to fall into a pattern of just putting in time with the instrument without actually accomplishing anything--which is both frustrating and tiring! Goal-oriented practice is much, much more productive. It should be a short, simple, attainable, and specific goal in each session of practice. Some kids, when they are told that they can be done when "x" is accomplished are able to muster some enthusiasm and attention that didn't seem to be there when practice was just about playing for 30 minutes or playing a song a certain number of times. This is going to be even more true when your son is feeling overwhelmed with difficult music. Sit with him for a minute or two, let him play one of the songs, and help him identify what needs to be improved. Then pick a very short amount of music and set a specific goal. When it's accomplished, he's done. Maybe add to that a review of scales or playing over another piece that is to be memorized, etc. But he should always know WHY he is practicing any particular piece.

 

I've really enjoyed this blog. I wish I had read some of his stuff when I was younger! It's written for professional or aspiring musicians, but I think you could easily adapt some of his techniques to help your son feel like practicing isn't a chore.

 

http://www.bulletproofmusician.com/blog/

 

I tried the penny game with him today, and he loved the idea.

I talked to his teacher and she laughed (in an understanding way) and totally backed off in his lessons today to allow him to be his one-track minded self.

I think we are back on track, at least for the present.

 

Thanks so much for all the helpful advice, suggestions and support! You gals are GREAT! :001_wub:

[helena]

First I'd try to find music that excites him. Blues? Jazz? Music from movies like Harry Potter, Star Wars, etc? My kids were reinvigorated a few years ago with Vince Guaraldi and now the soundtrack to Pride and Prejudice (classical). They love classical but I've found that it's important to mix it up. ... Maybe get a bunch of stuff up on youtube for him to listen to. Ask which type of music he dislikes the least. :D

 

If that didn't work I'd start trying other instruments.

We're a music family as well. It was so, so hard to quit violin after so many years of lessons. The first kid to quit was sad, the second was... well let's just say it took about a year or two longer to quit than it should have. :glare: Silly me. After a few months off from violin my youngest is now showing interest in other stringed instruments.

 

If that didn't work... I'd let it go all together with the understanding that something stimulating had to replace it. Art, theater, sports, something.

[helena]

I tried the penny game with him today, and he loved the idea.

I talked to his teacher and she laughed (in an understanding way) and totally backed off in his lessons today to allow him to be his one-track minded self.

I think we are back on track, at least for the present.

 

Thanks so much for all the helpful advice, suggestions and support! You gals are GREAT! :001_wub:

 

Ah! Came in late! :tongue_smilie:

Glad to hear it's working out.

[Tammi K]

Like punishment for something he didn't do.

 

He has been playing for four years. He is very capable, does very well, but only does the minimum required of him. He never, ever chooses to play piano out of his own desire, but rather only because he is required to.

 

I always told him that I wanted him to play for five years and then if he would like to choose a different instrument, that would be okay. I really feel that music is an important part of a well-rounded course of study and don't think it should be optional, but I also don't want him to hate it, which he says he does.

 

He is getting to that age where anything that is not easy is like torture and he acts as if I am killing him.

 

What to do??? Let him quit. Insist on continuing. 30 minutes a day (the absolute minimum) is what I require, though I would love to push it to 45--it's just that I know the c*** I'll get from him if I do.

 

When my second daughter was younger, she reached a point where she just didn't want to do it anymore. I told her that she would play until she graduated. No discussion. I would consider allowing her to add another instrument of her choice for enjoyment, but piano was nonnegotiable. (It was her choice initially.) So, she wasn't happy but she stuck it out.

 

One day, when she was a high school senior, she said, "You know, I'm going to regret telling you this, but, you always said that some day I would be glad you made me keep playing piano. Well, I'm really glad you made me continue playing piano." :D (I did refrain from saying, "I told you so!")

 

She went on to become a piano performance major. So, yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Amy M]

Yes, I think if he has great talent/potential, keep him going for a while longer. He may be quite self-motivated when he gets a bit older and can participate in competitions. Also seconding the other thought about a small break from lessons--my mom never made us take lessons in the summers when we were out of school. She thought it was very important to have a break from it ALL on occasion. (Maybe she wanted a break for her budget too? :D) I never stopped playing because I loved it, but I did enjoy just getting to play whatever I wanted during those breaks, instead of the weekly assignments.

[Sally Day]

As a clarinet teacher myself I advise trying a different teacher.