If you had a first child with a significant disability or chronic disease...

[GinaPagnato]

would you have more children, or would you devote all your time and energy to raising and tending to the needs of the child you have?

[Carrie75]

Because I have seen good friends successfully raise more children after having one with severe special needs, I would do it. I would have more! It isn't an easy thing to do, but I've seen it done well.

[Parrothead]

I have no idea how to answer this question. Knowing that we would only have one child make is a kind of moot point for us.

[jelbe5]

We had our younger dd even though I felt in my heart something was wrong with our son. He was diagnosed after she was born.

 

Having two very loving and verbal sisters had been the best therapy for him . . . and it will distribute the load.

 

If it had not been for my age and high blood pressure I would have had more.

[sbgrace]

Well, more kids wasn't possible for us. But I'm very thankful my special needs son has his twin. I found out that I passed the metabolic disorder to my son. I don't think I could risk my genetics on another child even if we could have more. Beyond that special needs, at least some of them, do bring incredible stress (financially, relationally, emotionally, etc.) Ours, certain ones anyway, have been very hard and I know there are harder than ours. I imagine the answer to this would very much depend on the resources available to the family, including their own personal make up/ability to handle things emotionally, and the particular special needs involved.

 

I don't know why this thread keeps coming to me for some reason. I don't feel we have what it takes to handle what we've already been given and now there is new that feels like it's worse than anything so far in impacts. I just feel we've got too much for our coping ability. It's so hard to see your child suffer and not be able to change it. It's not a choice we've got but I wouldn't bring more kids into this family I don't think. I think feeling that way bothers me because it implies at some level that I wouldn't choose to have my child if I had known the life challenges he would face. I can't imagine life without him though. Ugh. This thread is just bugging me I think because of the new things that have come just when I thought we were going to live a little.

Edited August 29, 2012 by sbgrace

[gingersmom]

I spent over $100,000 on therapy for my son (family helped out also). So my answer would be no.

[bettyandbob]

It is incredibly difficult to raise a dc with special needs. You have no idea if the next dc will also have a special need. Even if future dc do not have special needs you have to work incredibly hard to make sure all dc get appropriate attention in the family.

 

How hard this would be would depend on the disability. two of my dc have significant special needs. With one of them the special needs are obvious. With the other, the special needs are not obvious. However, it is with the one whose needs were not obvious that significant emotional, financial, time drain on the family occured the most. People somehow want to pity me or pronounce me a saint when they see youngest. However, raising him is not that hard.

 

I have a difficult time reading responses from people who do not live with sn children. You can paint a rosy picture when you don't live it.

[Kathryn]

My older son had autism, though is called high-functioning. He also had life-threatening food allergies that he recently miraculously outgrew. It took us a long time to decide to try for another because life with him was so difficult. There are times that I wonder "what if." his regressing imitation of his 2yo brother, his 2yo brother imitating his violence, etc. but, I can't imagine not having my younger son. And we've recently been reevaluating whether or not we could handle another one while dealing with ODS.

[*Michelle*]

Our first was born with significant medical issues, but it was pretty much a moot point on more kids because I was pregnant again very soon after he was born. Our second son was born three days after what would have been our first son's first birthday.

 

We've had a total of five kids now. I'm not sure if we would have had three more if our first had lived and his prognosis remained so complicated. I am forever grateful that I was already pregnant when our little boy passed. It allowed us to not feel like we were replacing him and it gave us something to hold on to.

[itsheresomewhere]

Yes. My DS has multiple disabilities and I waited until I felt I was in a place to have more. My kids are several years apart.

[MooCow]

I think so. Our oldest was not diagnosed until he was a preteen, and by then we already had two.

[higginszoo]

I did, and I did have more dc, the next one quite close in age to him. Having his sister to push him has really helped his development. Dd wasn't exactly planned, but in hindsight (they're 13 and 14 now), it was probably better for him that he had a younger sibling, and a close one at that. Dd never knew a life without ds having medical appointments, therapy, etc., so I don't think she (or the other dc) have been bothered by it, it's just their life.

[Amirah]

i currently am dealing with this decision right now. we have a 3yr old who were sure has autism and some other things going on. he is non- verbal and regressing. right now he needs at least 10-15 hrs a week of ABA therapy as well as speech and occupational therapy. All which we can not afford to pay for right now.so i am working with him on what i can at home. every dime and ounce of time right now has to go to taking care of him and it is physically,and emotionally straining on both of us. we have no family to help us out (both our families live out of country.) I would love to have more kids but realistically right now i can't handle more than him and we would not be able to pay for therapy for 2 special needs children.

[Dory]

My aunt had 4 children and one of them had spina bifida, and I have a friend who had 3 kids and her second child is severely autistic. I think it depends on what the child has and what will be required to help care for the child. In my aunts case, it was great. I know it was hard many times, but she doesn't regret it. In the case of my friend, I know it has been very very hard, and although she says she doesn't regret it, I don't think I could do what she does.

[jallison25]

i think we would :) we are adding a kiddo with down syndrome to our crew after 3 healthy kids, so i would hope we would do it the other way too :001_smile:

[KungFuPanda]

would you have more children, or would you devote all your time and energy to raising and tending to the needs of the child you have?

 

If the disability is hereditary, you have to take that into consideration, but otherwise, a disabled child deserves a sibling as much as anyone else. Also, the parents deserve grandchildren and a child who will outlive them as much as anyone else.

 

My son has Duchenne's muscular dystrophy. There is no cure and the prognosis is grim. He was not diagnosed until he was 7. He's my youngest of two, but if he were the oldest I would not have known soon enough to keep him an only child. Since he's homeschooled, he sees his sister more than any other child. His life is better for that relationship a d hers is certainly shaped by it.

[sassenach]

If it was my first, I don't know. It would be a hard leap, just for fear of having another sick child. With us, we knew having a healthy child was possible, so that softened the fear a little. We chose to have more. I have no explanation for it, other than we were compelled to. We probably could have had 2 or 3 more kids (in addition to the 2 we did have after our special guy), but decided to stop for our special guy. He needed us to not be so divided between him and a baby. I'm glad we stopped. We've also talked about adopting, but ds12 is what stops us. He needs us more every year, and I don't think I can sacrifice what he needs for a new child. I don't think there's a right answer or a wrong answer here.

Edited August 29, 2012 by Shannon831

[chiguirre]

I don't think we'd have had more if we had known, but ds2 is only 15 months younger than ds1 and dd was born before we suspected ds2 was also autistic. OTOH, ds2 and dd are very close and enjoy each other's company so it's worked out well for our family.

 

It depends on the sn and your financial and emotional capacity. My own opinion is that I wouldn't risk another asd child if I'd known GW's diagnosis. We're lucky that Geezle is not as severely affected and dd is nt, or we wouldn't be able to cope.

[Crimson Wife]

Maybe. We are still considering trying for #4 despite #3's autism. I will be making some lifestyle changes after New Year's- switching to the GAPS diet, testing for other food allergies and eliminating those, increasing my intake of anti-inflammatory foods, increasing probiotics, and after reading that New York Times article I'm even considering helminthic therapy.

 

If we do have baby #4, I would breastfeed longer (I nursed DD a year) and put him/her on a gluten- and dairy-free diet from the time I introduced solids (DD had barley cereal by 6 months). I would also give a higher dose of Omega 3's, and the Klaire Labs infant probiotics.

 

Youngest DD right now is functionally at the stage where I start to really get baby fever. With my other two, they were chronologically younger but with DD's developmental delay she is only now getting out of the toddler stage.

[Jann in TX]

We found out that oldest dd had 'issues' right about the time my 2nd dd was born. They did not have a name for her problem at the time but she is a high functioning aspie who finally outgrew a partial seizure disorder. She is the reason we homeschooled-- and schooling her was TOUGH and nearly impossible at times (seizures would cause her to forget things like the number 5 for a whole day --6th grade!). She graduated from college this past summer with Honors...

 

Second dd was a preemie and ended up having lung issues that required lots of medical intervention and constant breathing treatments around the clock the first 5 years of her life-- and even as a college student she still has multiple Drs that she sees several times a year and will always have health issues...

 

We did not even consider having another child (we wanted 4-5) until middle dd was 5 years old and her medical condition stabilized-- then we had a few years of infertility and a 3rd trimester loss.

 

If middle dd would have been our first I'm not sure if we would have had other children...

[Cortana]

We did. Our oldest has down syndrome, our middle has autism and our younger has speech and cognitive delays and we suspect possibly more. Were we stupid to have more kids after our oldest was born? A lot of people probably think so, but for us I can't imagine our lives without them. Yeah, the mulitiple appts with multiple specialists gets annoying and time consuming and homeschooling the 2 oldest gets pretty crazy and frustrating, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

 

I won't lie and say I've never worried that we made a mistake having more kids after our oldest, but I'm glad that we did. :)

[melmichigan]

I've asked myself this before with my oldest, but I was already expecting our last when we finally got her diagnosis. We had a range of possible outcomes with our 9yo DD's (CP) but hadn't made any decisions when we found out we were expecting our fourth. As crazy as it is now I wouldn't change it.

[Ali in OR]

We chose to have more children after our first who is severely disabled. I did not want special needs to be my only mothering experience. No guarantee that her sibs wouldn't have issues too--though no specific genetic issues are involved, we were given higher odds than the average couple for any of our babies having a defect simply because the first does.

 

The way I figured it, having a second child with issues would not have made our quality of life worse--it would just be more of the same. It just becomes your normal, your everyday life. I don't think life with a disabled child is bad, even though there are significant challenges. Having a third was perhaps a slightly harder decision than having a second. At that point, adding a another disabled child would make life harder than it was with one disabled and one typical. And we did stop at three. I love all of my girls and I'm so thankful for each of them. The first definitely makes me a better mom and a better person. The younger two allow me to enjoy the everyday blessings of raising typical kids too: home schooling, ballet lessons, soccer practice, etc. It's all good.

[ondreeuh]

My middle child was born with one heart defect, developed another one shortly after birth, and has had complications from his 4 cardiac surgeries so that he now has a pacemaker and a shunt. The medical stuff actually hasn't been that hard on me (you just do what you have to do) but he also has LDs and ADHD. The ADHD was the hardest part by far, because I was always doing damage control. He was almost 6 (and well medicated LOL) before I was ready to have another.

 

My youngest is healthy but also has ADHD and he is more challenging than my middle child was (didn't know that was possible). I can barely take him out of the house. By the time he was 3 I knew I did not want to go through it again. I feel like my middle child is cheated out getting of as much attention as he needs because due to his LDs he requires direct instruction and no distractions. My youngest is very distracting, to put it mildly. I can't put him in preschool because he cannot handle it socially.

 

So we are definitely not having any more children. If I could ensure that I would have a healthy, neuro-typical child, then I might be a little tempted, but I feel it is our destiny to have really difficult children. I am looking forward to the day when I can live a less restricted life than I do now.

[sewingmama]

Maybe - I don't know.

 

My DD has some special needs and a genetic condition inherited from me (there was only a 10% chance she would get it and we didn't know she did till she was 5 and her brothers were already born).

 

She was a DIFFICULT baby to say the least. We were going to make her our one and only but I got pregnant with DS when she was 6 months old (before we really had time to weigh it up).

 

Luckily for me my boys are healthy, normal and undemanding children. It frees up the time I need to focus on my DD.

 

DH wants another but I'm pretty sure I'm done. At this point in my life I don't think I could cope with more special needs or the fact that another child inherited my genetic condition. (the chance of it would be higher then 10% since DD got it and higher still if it was another girl).

 

I am glad I got to parent normal children - when it was just my DD I was sure it was my parenting that was making her what she was -now I know it wasn't.

 

It totally depends on the person, their level of support, access to services, finances etc. We have no family here so no support and my DH works long hours. Services are not that great either. It woudn't be optimum for sure.

[Carrie12345]

I guess it depends on how you define "significant". I don't consider ds's ASD significant, though there are days when it feels that way, especially back in the beginning!

 

I was pregnant with #3 while he went through evals, so that train had already left the station. With two surprise pregnancies after that (when he was 9 and 12), I felt confident enough in my experiences to cope. So far, so good.

[pdalley]

All three of mine are on the autism spectrum and any others would be also - more than likely. It's our genetics - there is a clear pattern dating back to pre Civil War. We didn't find out about the oldest until the youngest was a baby and had already decided we were done due to some bleeding issues I had while in labor.

 

Like someone said upthread - I don't consider their issues to be that significant - not now. It was hard when they were all small - not being able to communicate in a typical fashion probably contributed to a lot of the early meltdowns of my oldest. And it was just more of the same - this is our 'normal'.

 

I can't imagine life without them.

[bethben]

Our oldest has severe multiple special needs (he gets around with a wheelchair mostly and has the intelligence of a 2 year old - he needs total care for all aspects of his life). When he was 17 months old, we had ds#2. Ds#1 at that time could barely sit up in a grocery cart much less walk so I took a double stroller everywhere I went - even if I parked the car right in front of the building's door. There was no way I could carry two babies. I don't know what we were thinking, but it worked out. We went on to have 1 more bio child and adopted our daughter with cleft lip/palate. Her medical needs in relation to our first were so "minor" that we felt we could handle it. My oldest goes to school so he can have one on one care that I can't give him.

 

Beth

Edited August 29, 2012 by bethben

[Twilight Woods]

Our 1st chld was born with Hypoplastic Left Heart syndrome and suffered a massive stroke during open heart surgery when he was 2.5 weeks old. Our lives revolved around his care BUT we had out second child when he was 3. :) Granted my pregnancies were stressfull with worrying I wouldn't have done it any other way. My 2 living children have their own special needs... sometimes I think they are harder than he was. I think it was God's way of preparing me.

Edited August 29, 2012 by my3luvbugs990105

[melmichigan]

- this is our 'normal'.

 

 

Exactly.

[TexasRachel]

Oldest DS had multiple health problems. We knew we weren't able to handle anymore for a long time. Every time he went into the hospital life would stop. It wasn't until his last year that DH and I started thinking we could handle having another child and then DS's health got worse. Also despite everything we did to not ignore DD, there were times where DD took a back seat. It wasn't fair, but there wasn't much we could do about it. So when DS died we spent some time just focusing on DD. We all needed it.

 

The increased chance for a child with a birth defect as I got older is one of the factors in our decision to decide we're done having children.