How do you deal with, "Are you doing anything tonight?" Help!

[Alicia64]

I've had more than one friend who approaches me with:

 

"Are you doing anything tonight?"

"Are you busy this afternoon?"

"What are you doing on Saturday?"

 

If I -- stupidly -- say, "Just hanging out" my friend then launches into it, "Oh good, can you watch Jakey for me for a couple of hours?"

 

At that point I feel bad saying, "Well, by 'just hanging out' I mean just dh and the kids -- not your kid." That feels rude and I'm enough of a cream puff to not want to be rude.

 

So tonight a friend roped me in just this way into watching her son because he didn't want to go out to eat with her and her dh. The kid is a little manipulative and so is she.

 

So from 7 to 9 tonight instead of family time I have an extra child over here. Dh understands that awkwardness, but he's not happy either.

 

Now, I don't feel comfortable leaving my two with this friend so there's no reciprocation. She's never offered and I've never asked and don't want to. My kids wouldn't be comfortable plus they watch a lot of TV that I think is inappropriate for nine-year-olds.

 

I know you're going to tell me to grow a back bone. I just feel so on the spot and self-conscious and awkward saying "no" after I'd just said that we weren't doing much.

 

Has this happened to anyone else?

 

Alley

[UnsinkableKristen]

I always reply with "Oh I'm not sure, I'll have to check. Why?"

[Alicia64]

I always reply with "Oh I'm not sure, I'll have to check. Why?"

 

Isn't it kind of sad that we have to be on guard with friends?? Somehow I expect better of people.

 

Alley

[mom2samlibby]

Has this happened to anyone else?

 

 

 

Nope. I always ask why? And then decline if it won't work for us.

[Sophia]

I think it's perfectly legitimate to say "No, we're looking forward to just family time."

[6wishes]

I always reply with " I'll have to check with dh", what were you thinking? Then I can always "blame" him if need be :). He doesn't mind! I will rarely watch other people's kids when dh is home.

[Kathryn]

"I'm not sure." Perhaps adding, "what's going on?"

[Unicorn.]

I always reply with "Oh I'm not sure, I'll have to check. Why?"

 

:iagree: And with certain people, you learn to say something like "Dh and I have plans. Or I think dh has something planned, but I'm not sure what." Sorry your stuck w/ an extra kid.

[ProudGrandma]

I usually say something like "why do you ask?"...and then I do what they others said...I never know what my husband has on his mind...so I will need to ask him first. I have also been known to walk over to the calander and say something like...oh my, my husband must have put this on the calander...we DO have something going on tonight (even if it's faily game night).

[shanvan]

I always reply with "Oh I'm not sure, I'll have to check. Why?"

 

This is much better than my reply. I usually answer with "I am retiring to my couch and doing absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing." By evening I cannot handle even one more thing. It would never even cross my mind to 'watch' another child at that time of day. BUT, it's taken me quite a few years and a chronic health condition to get to this point.

 

I don't really think it is your concern if your friend's Ds doesn't want to do what his parents are asking him to do. Maybe they need to grow a backbone. OTOH, maybe they just wanted a night out.

 

If you are too tired, or don't want to do it, then don't.

[nd293]

I have one 'friend' like this - I know that I have to give an "I'm not sure" type of answer when she calls. Since I adopted this policy, she doesn't call much! With a friend who asked outright if I would take her kids, I simply said that weekends were family time for us - of course, I should say this in both cases...

[Night Elf]

Wow, I'm amazed that you have more than one friend like that. That's crazy! You really should learn to say 'I'm sorry but I don't want an extra person over today.' Are you afraid they'll stop being your friend? Is that a possibility? What do you think about a relationship so one-sided? I'm sorry you're in that position. :(

[shinyhappypeople]

I always reply with " I'll have to check with dh", what were you thinking? Then I can always "blame" him if need be :). He doesn't mind! I will rarely watch other people's kids when dh is home.

 

Mine, too. He gives me complete permission to throw him under the bus whenever necessary. Dang, I love that man :001_smile:

[Alicia64]

I feel like it sounds so transparent saying, "Oh we're having family time" or whatever -- even though it's perfectly valid.

 

I mean, I would never want to interfere w/ a family's special time together.

 

The more I think about it the thread that ties the friends together who tend to do this have a touch of narcissistic behavior to them. I mean, they're not awful narcissists, but they definitely have some self absorption.

 

This particular friend caught be walking my dog and asked me as she was all dressed up and her husband waited in the car. (Her son was on the sidewalk scootering around about 1/4 of a mile up. I think he knew that I'd say no to him, but not to his mom.) :glare:

 

I've got to "mom" up.

 

Alley

[nono]

Isn't it kind of sad that we have to be on guard with friends?? Somehow I expect better of people.

 

Alley

 

But that person isn't a friend. That person is a user. Excuse me, a User. Capital U.

 

:grouphug: for you!

[Jenn in FL]

I have way too much experience fielding this same question from a particular acquaintance who always seems to have an agenda. I now reply, "What do you need?" :tongue_smilie: IMHO, this puts the ball squarely back in her court to spell out what it is that she is angling for... and I am now to the point that I reply, "That doesn't/won't work for me" with no more amplifying information. In my experience, some people will take as much advantage of you as you will allow. :glare: For me, it has been all about putting up boundaries.

 

Good luck!

 

Jen

Edited August 20, 2012 by Jenn in FL

[Matryoshka]

"Are you doing anything tonight?"

"Are you busy this afternoon?"

"What are you doing on Saturday?"

 

If I -- stupidly -- say, "Just hanging out" my friend then launches into it, "Oh good, can you watch Jakey for me for a couple of hours?"

 

:confused::confused: Who are these people? I've never had anyone ask me that, or at least not that way. If I need someone to watch my kids or they need me to watch theirs, we ask "can you watch so and so on this day?". None of the games.

 

If I ask someone something like the above, I'm trying to see if they can go do something fun with me, without the kids. :D

[shanvan]

:confused::confused: Who are these people? I've never had anyone ask me that, or at least not that way. If I need someone to watch my kids or they need me to watch theirs, we ask "can you watch so and so on this day?". None of the games.

 

If I ask someone something like the above, I'm trying to see if they can go do something fun with me, without the kids. :D

 

:iagree: That is exactly what I was expecting the OP to write, followed by a question about how to politely decline. My answer would still be the same for most occasions b/c I am just too tired usually.

[Alicia64]

Wow, I'm amazed that you have more than one friend like that. That's crazy! You really should learn to say 'I'm sorry but I don't want an extra person over today.' Are you afraid they'll stop being your friend? Is that a possibility? What do you think about a relationship so one-sided? I'm sorry you're in that position. :(

 

You're right. I only put up with the two people I'm thinking of because my boys are good friends w/ their kids. We moved and disrupted their friend group and I'm extra sensitive about not wanting to upset the apple cart.

 

Yes, I can see that this makes me a door mat.

 

My parents were very dominating, pushy people -- so I have a hard time pushing back.

 

I owe you guys a therapy fee tonight.

 

Alley

[Matryoshka]

:iagree: That is exactly what I was expecting the OP to write, followed by a question about how to politely decline. My answer would still be the same for most occasions b/c I am just too tired usually.

 

Yeah, and most of my friends are too tired if I try to be that spontaneous - which is why I've long since learned to give way more notice. :D

 

I often wish someone would call me more often to spontaneously to have fun, though - some nights it would be less tiring for me to run away! ;)

[Alicia64]

But that person isn't a friend. That person is a user. Excuse me, a User. Capital U.

 

:grouphug: for you!

 

I know. I haven't wanted to see this person as a User, but she is. I cut her slack because she's from another country and I wonder -- often -- if they do it differently in her country of origin. But, mainly, I end up thinking that she's taking advantage and being pushy.

 

But. . . in general. . . she's "nice pushy" if that makes any sense.

 

Alley

[catz]

My standard answer is "my calendar is online and I need to check it. But what's up". And that's my honest answer too. With my DH's and kids activities, sometimes even if I think we're open, we're not. After having to backtrack on stuff a few times, I learned that this is the right answer to give. And it's good for these purposes too.

 

I also try not to ask people questions like this!

[Tarreymere]

I get caught like that all the time. Not from friends, but from my adult children wanting me to watch my grandchildren. I still have kids at home (my youngest is five years old), and the idea I get is that I have kids here anyway, I'm used to a large family, and hey I'm supposed to love having the grandkids over. There are seven adult children now, six have kids, but only two of those are really really manipulative like that.

 

I wish I had some advice for you. Dh is okay with me making him the bad guy and telling them he doesn't want any more kids over. Whatever excuse I make to the girls just gets run over, it seems. But I'm the one who had to actually lock my doors to keep the one stepdaughter's half-sister from dropping her kids off at my house during school time several times a week......only to find them staring at me through the windows.....

 

I've only stood up for myself one time. She was going on and on about how she really needed me, no one else was available, she had physical therapy at 9 am, that was the only appointment, and that I just had to watch her three kids, ect. I have a two year old grandson all the time now on agreement with his mom (who is not manipulative) to watch as a special help to her while she is in nursing school, and another four year old grandson whose mom is in jail and I just absolutely COULD NOT handle anymore kids with those along with my own. So I was just at my limit at that moment she called and I let her know it. She listened to me for a minute or two and then started talking about who else she could get to babysit, like she was talking to herself...and she said something like "oh, so-and-so can do it, but she lives in Xyztown and that is just not convenient for me to drop them off there..." And just like that it was like the spell was broken. Not convenient? Not CONVENIENT? I didn't feel the least guilty then. She hasn't tried me again since that day, but I think I might be better at standing up to her now.

[Delirium]

I always respond with "Depends on what you're going to ask me to do." But I'm a very sarcastic person.

[jujsky]

I always reply with "Oh I'm not sure, I'll have to check. Why?"

 

That's how I try to respond after being burned a couple times. Then if they respond asking me to baby-sit, I usually say I have to check with DH to see if he made plans for us that aren't on the calendar yet.

[Professormom]

I've had more than one friend who approaches me with:

 

"Are you doing anything tonight?"

"Are you busy this afternoon?"

"What are you doing on Saturday?"

 

If I -- stupidly -- say, "Just hanging out" my friend then launches into it, "Oh good, can you watch Jakey for me for a couple of hours?"

 

At that point I feel bad saying, "Well, by 'just hanging out' I mean just dh and the kids -- not your kid." That feels rude and I'm enough of a cream puff to not want to be rude.

 

So tonight a friend roped me in just this way into watching her son because he didn't want to go out to eat with her and her dh. The kid is a little manipulative and so is she.

 

So from 7 to 9 tonight instead of family time I have an extra child over here. Dh understands that awkwardness, but he's not happy either.

 

Now, I don't feel comfortable leaving my two with this friend so there's no reciprocation. She's never offered and I've never asked and don't want to. My kids wouldn't be comfortable plus they watch a lot of TV that I think is inappropriate for nine-year-olds.

 

I know you're going to tell me to grow a back bone. I just feel so on the spot and self-conscious and awkward saying "no" after I'd just said that we weren't doing much.

 

Has this happened to anyone else?

 

Alley

 

I have friends that do this too:tongue_smilie: I haven't read the rest of this post (need to get to those dinner dishes, lol) but now, when someone asks me that, I don't even answer, I just come back right away with, "why, what's up?". Usually, they tell me which gives me an opportunity to bow out gracefully. :D

[justamouse]

Just. Say. No.

 

It doesn't matter that you said you're not doing much, the fact is that it is YOUR family time, and kicking back with YOUR family is extremely important.

 

Even if you said Nothing, that Nothing could be a nap, which you needed. So Just Say No. Stop feeling guilty for putting your family first.

[justamouse]

I always respond with "Depends on what you're going to ask me to do." But I'm a very sarcastic person.

 

Lol, that's how I'd probably answer, too, if I knew the person well.

[mom2scouts]

I used to have this happen all the time with a certain friend. She would ask what I was doing and I would stupidly think that maybe she wanted to go out for a little "girl time" away from the kids. When I would tell her I wasn't busy, she would immediately ask if I could babysit.:glare:

[WTMCassandra]

You are giving up your personal power when you let them pressure you into having to answer first before you know what they are angling for. You need to take that conversational "ball" and lob it right back to them, "Why do you ask?"

 

Let THEM do the explaining, especially if they want a favor.

 

Sorry, you will have to grow a backbone, just as you suspected. It's rotten that these people are taking advantage of you, but they're not about to stop--they are getting what they want. It will be up to you to stand up to them.

[mybluesky]

Oh, I had this exact scenario happen to me, many times, over the course of a couple years with one family. This friend had asked me to watch her 10-year-old son for her before and after school, and I had declined because my kids were little (2 and 4) and the 10-year-old was bored at my house and took a lot of my attention away from my own kids. So I told her no, but that I would be happy to help in an emergency.

 

Well, everything turned out to be an emergency. As in, "What are you doing next Thursday?" "Not much." "Oh good, M has no school, can you watch him?" And I would always feel caught. I tried dropping serious hints, as in, "Can't he go to the after-school program at his school?" She always had a comeback, or ignored the hint.

 

So this is what I finally had to do. I had to write out a kind but assertive paragraph explaining very clearly that it had become difficult for me to give my own kids attention when hers was there, and that I would be unable to watch him in the future. And I taped that paragraph next to the phone and read it to her the next time she called.

 

Sadly, she ended our friendship based on this, but I still feel it was the right thing for my family. And if I hadn't written it down, I never would have had the guts to say it. I need help in the backbone department too, lol!

[Jacquelyn in NC]

"Hanging out" or "no major plans" isn't the same thing as "I would love to babysit your child." You and your family need unscheduled time to be together. You need time to relax and simple BE without outside pressure. I think it's perfectly OK to respond to that sort of request with, "We've been really looking forward to some family time so that won't work for us. Maybe we could get the kids together next week sometime." No arguing, no guilt, no apologies. Your family is just as important (more important, really) as a meeting at church or a dentist appointment or anything else that might end up on your calendar!

[QueenCat]

I think it's perfectly legitimate to say "No, we're looking forward to just family time."

 

:iagree:Absolutely!

[Tammi K]

Mine, too. He gives me complete permission to throw him under the bus whenever necessary. Dang, I love that man :001_smile:

 

I always respond with "Depends on what you're going to ask me to do." But I'm a very sarcastic person.

 

Love it :lol::lol::lol:

 

We had a pastor who always prefaced a request with , "Tammi, do you love Jesus?" I always answered. "Yes, I love Jesus, but I suspect I'm about to be 'not too happy' with you!"

[besroma]

Mine, too. He gives me complete permission to throw him under the bus whenever necessary. Dang, I love that man :001_smile:

 

I always respond with "Depends on what you're going to ask me to do." But I'm a very sarcastic person.

 

 

We had a pastor who always prefaced a request with , "Tammi, do you love Jesus?" I always answered. "Yes, I love Jesus, but I suspect I'm about to be 'not too happy' with you!"

 

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

I always say that I have to check with DH. If he said that he really wanted us to have family time, I would call back and tell her (honestly) that he had plans that we had not discussed. If my DH has plans for a quiet, peaceful evening home with our family, I consider those prior plans that definitely take precedence over a manipulative friend.

[cindergretta]

I was raised to state what I want/need and then ask. "I need a babysitter for tonight. Are you available?" Or when calling, "This is Cindergretta. Is Gracie Lou Freebush available?" IOW, I was taught to always phrase things in such a way to give the other person a graceful out.

 

I think I am the only who was taught that. :glare: No one I know does it. Everyone asks me if I am busy/what are you doing/etc. and my go to answer is always, "I have no idea! I need to check my schedule and with my dh. Why? What's up?"

 

:grouphug:

[nono]

I always respond with "Depends on what you're going to ask me to do." But I'm a very sarcastic person.

 

:001_wub: That is fabulous!

[KnitWit]

I haven't read all the other replies but, at *our* house "family time" counts as being busy. So my answer would have been "Yes, we are busy."

[Georgiana Daniels]

Oh, how about say, "I was wanting to go out with hubby (or paint the bathroom, or re-tile the kitchen floor) and was looking for help. Are you game?"

 

HAHA.

 

OK, I would never really say that. Might be better not to answer the phone and let them leave a message you can respond to later.

[KungFuPanda]

OP, in the future you say: "I have to check with Dh. What's up?" You tell her you'll get back to her after consulting your DH's calendar. Later, you call and tell her that your DH made plans without telling you. She doesn't need to know that his plans were to hang out WITHOUT her kid.

[Element]

I always respond with, "I don't remember what we have planned for ____. I'll have to check. Why?" Do not deviate from this answer and you will be fine. Even if the person is super pushy and somehow talks you into something you don't want to do, or you find out that your dh is just NOT on board with whatever you set up, you can always call back in an hour and say, "Oh, hey, I've got my planner here and I see I had forgotten that I have ____ going on." I have a pretty strong personality, and even I occasionally get talked into doing something I have no desire to do.

[mama2cntrykids]

Or it's really great when your dh VOLUNTEERS you for something WITHOUT asking YOU first. Ask me how wonderful this is...go ahead, ask.

[OnTheBrink]

Well, as a single mom, I don't have a dh to blame, so my response when someone asks is typically, "I have plans that day, why?" My plans might be nothing more than to clip my toenails, but it's a plan nonetheless. You don't have to have a plan that meets with the User's approval as a legitimate reason to not watch their precious darling. Your time is just as valuable as theirs, and what you do with it is not up for negotiation or approval.

[Parker Martin]

"What are you doing tonight?"

"Just hanging out."

"Great! My son doesn't want to go to the restaurant with us. Can he come over to your house?"

"Ha ha ha."

 

If she starts talking again, just keep repeating "ha" until you're out of earshot. If this is a long distance, take care not to hyperventilate.

 

(That is the silliest reason I've ever heard for requesting last minute babysitting.)

[Parker Martin]

I was raised to state what I want/need and then ask. "I need a babysitter for tonight. Are you available?" Or when calling, "This is Cindergretta. Is Gracie Lou Freebush available?" IOW, I was taught to always phrase things in such a way to give the other person a graceful out.

 

Same.

[FO4UR]

"What are you doing tonight?"

"Just hanging out."

"Great! My son doesn't want to go to the restaurant with us. Can he come over to your house?"

"Ha ha ha."

 

If she starts talking again, just keep repeating "ha" until you're out of earshot. If this is a long distance, take care not to hyperventilate.

 

(That is the silliest reason I've ever heard for requesting last minute babysitting.)

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

 

At this point it is perfectly socially acceptable to start jabbering on about yourself, your family, your kids...non stop...do not directly answer a yes or no.

 

 

"Did I tell you about the time little Johnny said the funniest thing in a restaurant....(and continue this story for atleast 10min, embellish as needed).

 

 

"Oh, he wouldn't want to be here tonight! DH is ...... and so-and-so is ......... and ........."

 

 

And - "Oh that was so funny! I thought you were REALLY just going to drop him into my lap for a minute there. It must be Friday b/c I need some time to just rest....and you couldn't PAY me enough to take on another kid tonight!"

 

 

"Well, thanks for calling. Talk to ya later. Bye."