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My new rules. I think if I just change my attitude, all will be well.


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Can I just say:

 

Its okay to leave the lights on in every single room in the middle of the day rather than opening your blinds.

 

Please do walk around my house - into every single room, if you will - with your shoes on. Especially if you've just been in a public bathroom or strolled through goose poop.

 

Don't make your bed and please, by all means, throw the clean clothes I just washed, back into the laundry bin if you don't feel like putting them away and they've spent too much time on the floor in front of your dresser and are now all full of cat or dog hair. And certainly don't even attempt to UNfold them before you compliment me with this service, because then I might feel like my entire evening was wasted while I folded them.

 

Don't close any cupboard doors or kitchen drawers when you've extracted what you need from them. This way, I will bash my head on the doors while I clean the few crumbs you've left on the counter and the rest out of the silverware drawer. I like this.

 

And by all means, the garage lights do need to be on ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT long, no matter if you are in there searching for something or not. While you are at it, do the basement lights, too.

 

Please, don't flush the toilet. That handle is for me only.

 

It is also very important that we spend even more money on electricity - please do open all the windows in the house, but don't you dare turn off the air conditioner. That would be wrong.

 

Its all good.

 

(Sorry, I just had to. I truly am glad to have a family to whom I am useful.)

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All very good additions, ladies! I've got another.

 

Please be sure to never hang up the telephone to charge. I like to search for it - especially when the beeper makes no noise because the battery has lost its power. Kind of like Easter Morning, searching down the basket full of chocolate.

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Yes, to all of the above AND...

 

Please leave your washcloth in the tub all wadded up in a soggy ball so that it can, over time, turn into a slimy kind of ball that I get to pick up when I check on the "kids' bathroom" before guests are expected. I *love* slime:).

 

And please do not *ever* pick up your dirty clothes off the bathroom floor. Oh, no - what joy you would be depriving me of if I did not get to bend over (me and the six screws in my back) to scoop them up and toss them in the hamper. I really need the exercise.

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Oh my gosh, you all are hilarious! We may be scattered across the nation (world even) but we're living parallel lives.

 

Here's mine for the day:

 

"Please don't pick up the fresh dog poop in the yard after taking the dog out, because I really enjoy when you take your little brother out next, and he steps in it. I love cleaning poop from between the crevices of sneakers. It gives me a special thrill."

 

and another,

 

"Please never turn the hose off after using it, because I think it's cute how it sprays from the bad connection and waters the concrete for days on end."

 

finally,

 

"Please throw your clothes up on the ceiling fan suspended 12 feet up from the vaulted ceiling every day. It's particularly fun getting them down. In fact, please do turn on the fan to high, and see if they fly off, or simply get tangled and kill the motor."

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"Please throw your clothes up on the ceiling fan suspended 12 feet up from the vaulted ceiling every day. It's particularly fun getting them down. In fact, please do turn on the fan to high, and see if they fly off, or simply get tangled and kill the motor."

 

 

I love it! I thought my ex was the only one who ever did that! But it was in our kitchen, and our ceiling fan was 18 feet high, and we didn't have a ladder--and I'm totally serious! Our black electrical box caught on fire, and we had to call the fire dept, and we didn't have any kids, and he had to explain it--I went to the grocery store and left him to it :D

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Oh please, please don't forget to simply step over and totally ignore the pile of cat vomit in the doorway. I simply love waking up in the morning and stepping in a freezing cold pile of squishy, partially-digested cat food. Remember, it's even better when I slip in it because the scream wakes me up much faster.:tongue_smilie:

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I love it! I thought my ex was the only one who ever did that! But it was in our kitchen, and our ceiling fan was 18 feet high, and we didn't have a ladder--and I'm totally serious! Our black electrical box caught on fire, and we had to call the fire dept, and we didn't have any kids, and he had to explain it--I went to the grocery store and left him to it :D

 

Tears in my eyes. That's rich. :lol::lol:

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My turn-

 

Please do not close ANY drawers in your room. I must be able to see all of your clothing at once.

 

In addition, all children must change a minimum of 3 times a day. I like seeing all of that clothing paraded through the house. And by all means, do not feel obligated to change in your room. Anywhere will do. Just leave your discards wherever you may be standing at the moment. Don't worry, I love fetching your only slightly worn clothing from all corners of the house.

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Oh my goodness - you all had me laughing so hard, my kids came in to ask what was wrong! (Laughing is rarely heard by me before the end of the first cup of coffee in the a.m.)

 

This was so fun! I can relate to almost all of them (thank heavens we don't have a ceiling fan - whew!!!). The last one I have - I think - is this:

 

"The world does, in fact, revolve around you. I have been wrong all these years. I'm sorry."

 

He-he-he-he!

 

You all are great!

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Can I just say:

 

Its okay to leave the lights on in every single room in the middle of the day rather than opening your blinds.

 

Please do walk around my house - into every single room, if you will - with your shoes on. Especially if you've just been in a public bathroom or strolled through goose poop.

 

Don't make your bed and please, by all means, throw the clean clothes I just washed, back into the laundry bin if you don't feel like putting them away and they've spent too much time on the floor in front of your dresser and are now all full of cat or dog hair. And certainly don't even attempt to UNfold them before you compliment me with this service, because then I might feel like my entire evening was wasted while I folded them.

 

Don't close any cupboard doors or kitchen drawers when you've extracted what you need from them. This way, I will bash my head on the doors while I clean the few crumbs you've left on the counter and the rest out of the silverware drawer. I like this.

 

And by all means, the garage lights do need to be on ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT long, no matter if you are in there searching for something or not. While you are at it, do the basement lights, too.

 

Please, don't flush the toilet. That handle is for me only.

 

It is also very important that we spend even more money on electricity - please do open all the windows in the house, but don't you dare turn off the air conditioner. That would be wrong.

 

Its all good.

 

(Sorry, I just had to. I truly am glad to have a family to whom I am useful.)

 

Sure, I've spent all day deep cleaning your room, organizing things and putting everything in its place, but I would LOVE it if you would get everything back out and leave it all on the floor. I'm glad I reminded you of all those treasures (like the rubber bug) that you haven't noticed for 6 months that I will NOT throw away because you claim they are still precious to you.

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Okay, I have three more from a younger generation of children:

 

Please, don't worry about where you're aiming when using the toilet. The back of the toilet is supposed to be used as a backboard for laughs and mom really doesn't mind cleaning up urine off the floor.

 

After the playroom is all clean and every toy is in its proper place, feel free to take them all out again and scatter them on the floor. It is much easier to find them there than in the labeled bins.

 

Please leave every tv on in the house even if no one is in the room to watch it. The dust enjoys a good cartoon. (Actually, this doesn't happen anymore since ods has learned about "wasting tv." I think he's worried the batteries will go dead.)

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-When loading the dishwasher, don't scrape or rinse the plates. It is important to put in as much food in as possible. We all like it the way the dishwasher grinds it up and redistributes it all over the would be clean dishes. Oh, and the foreign objects (pencils, blocks, screwdrivers and paper) you throw in are a nice touch.

 

- After I clean the mirrors, please cover your hands with soap/lotion/chocolate syrup, then rub them all over the shiny, sparkling glass. Your sticky fingerprints are lovely keepsakes.

 

- Tell me that you're dying of hunger. After I fix the food, throw a tantrum at the table because the presentation is offensive to your sensibilities. Maybe I cut the sandwich into rectangles instead of triangles. Or perhaps the peas are touching the salad on your plate. I will promptly send you to your room. Are we having fun yet?

 

Laura, thank you for this thread! I needed a good laugh, and I could do this all day! I was inspired to write a lot more, but you'll have to go the blog for those.

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My dear, dear daughter, please place your sharpest hair barrettes and clips in the middle of the hallway floor. And middle dear son, thank you for placing your legos at just the right spot so that when I cry out in pain and do the little skip-hop-jump from stepping on your sister's hair clippie, my other foot lands right on the lego.

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:lol::lol:I'm laughing so hard I almost spit my pick me up coffe all over the monitor. I can so relate. And here is mine.

 

"Please leave your clothes all over the living room, especially your socks, and then complain loudly to me that you have no socks because I didn't root around under the coffee table to get them for the wash."

 

"Please leave the air conditioning up so high I am shivering constantly. Really, I love that."

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"The world does, in fact, revolve around you. I have been wrong all these years. I'm sorry."

 

:lol::smilielol5::rofl:

 

You have GOT to be living in my house...where are you hiding?

 

I'm laughing so hard I can't think of any of my own...:D

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OK, DS 5 just gave me one:

 

Please, PLEASE do come running all the way from the kitchen to the computer room yelling "Mom!" and then when you get here, let a world class burp fly into my face. I really do love the smell of your lunch (the one you said you hated!), really I do!

 

:glare:

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here are a few:

 

Please leave puddles of milk, boxes of cereal, and half full bowls of milk with the spoons hanging out of them on the table every am. I live to take care of this mess.

 

When I ask you to take out the trash I really just mean take it out of the can and leave it by the door in the entry way.

 

When you come in the house, feel free to heap your shoes on the floor of the entry way instead of finding their cubby hole in the nearby closet because I need more practice sorting.

 

:lol:

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Oh, and don't forget - if you see me on the phone, that is the perfect time to either adamantly ask me a question or loudly argue with your sister. If you can't do either of those things, then vacuuming would be acceptable, too.

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:rant:For my son who is 11 and likes to keep me hopping(mad).

 

Please pee on the seat so when I wake up at 2 AM I get to sit in it-yuck.

 

OR

 

Please leave the seat up so when I wake up at 2 AM I get to fall in-again, yuck

 

It's your choice sweetie-pick one

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Please feel free to eat whatever you want in front of the computer! I just love prying crumbs from the mouse and blowing them out of the keyboard. And if you eat something sticky, well go ahead and touch the monitor screen as well.

 

While you're at it, put your hands all over the glass doors and windows. I just love to spray down half the house with windex every morning.

 

And when you brush your teeth - that is when I can *get* you to brush your teeth, put a LOT on your toothbrush, and plenty on the sink and counter, too. Don't bother putting your toothbrush away, either, that's my honor.

 

And if you come in from outside, leave your shoes wherever you wish. They make such good chew toys for the puppy! I love picking up the little pieces. Hey - we could make a collage!

 

Oh, and if you run out of extra sugar for your pre-sugared cereal, get the big bin of sugar out of the pantry and refill the teeny tiny sugar bowl with a great big scoop. Make sure to spill some on the floor, while you're at it. I just love cleaning up sugar spills. Hey - speaking of sugar spills, if you pour yourself some OJ, be sure to leave the cap off the carton. It's such a nice surprise when I grab it in the morning and give it a good shake!

 

I'll probably be back with a few more - I've got a million of 'em!:D

-Dana

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Kids, please wear your brand new white socks outside on the muddiest day without your shoes on. Please do this everyday until all of your new socks look like ****. That's ok, I'll buy more

 

Kids, please loan your friends your toys without asking me. It's ok that they don't take care of their own stuff. When they break your toy, don't worry. I'll buy you a new one.

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And, thank you dear children for setting all of your belongings, from school supplies to wet bathing suits, on the kitchen table. The orange juice and bread crumbs you left there earlier in the day will go so nicely with your history paper and your new one piece.

 

I also appreciate the way you have collected 90% of our drinking glasses on your bedside table. It saves me time, for the cats no longer need a water bowl. Besides, all those glasses partner nicely with the 8 half empty water bottles which are collecting on your floor.

 

Thank you for removing that item I asked you to put away, only to set it down on the next available surface while you wander off to do something more interesting. This way, I'll get some exercise when I finally give up and move it to its proper place for you just to get it out of my sight!

 

And, finally, I am most grateful for the way that you've so craftily chosen to wipe your boogers on the wall next to your bed. It has saved me thousands in expensive faux painting. NO artist could ever dream of a texture that rich!

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...boogers... OMG.... on the wall...

 

Breathe deep...

 

Ok...

 

And please... when we finally saved up enough for that 50" plasma screen TV that I've wanted my entire life how did you know that I wanted you to eat donuts, lick off your fingers and leave handprints on it?

 

Every week?

 

That way I can see how your hands are getting bigger.

 

Oh how I love the concrete that saliva and frosting merge to become on that beautiful widescreen.

 

Also, be sure to blame everything on your sister/brother. Of course you're an angel who never does ANYTHING but read books and sing with the birds.

 

Hide the remotes. In the sofa cushions, the bathroom, the refrigerator... wherever you happen to drop it. Anywhere but the basket I've asked you to keep them in. I love playing that game.

 

And if you would, turn on all the TVs in the house, to the cartoon network, then go outside.

 

Lastly, if you would, please ask questions constantly and loudly whenever I manage to get interested in a program. "Daddy, I don't understand, what are streams? What happens when the cross them? Why not cross them? Why didn't he tell them sooner? What if the ghost bumps them and the streams cross? Does it count if it happens by accident? Do those things shoot people too? With streams? What are streams?" And if you could, double the effort when the mystery is about to be revealed.

 

Awesome thread!

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:lol::lol::lol:

 

This has been my week! When I had enough of it two days ago and changed all the rules my dh got mad. So I also adopted the I don't care attitude.

 

My contribution:

 

Please leave all your half empty pop cans and glasses on the coffee table so the big dog will spill them when he wags his big tail and of course I will love to be the one to clean it up, that is of course, after I have found where you left the cleaner, paper towels, or little cleaning machine.

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To my sweet little doggy:

 

Thank you ever so much for allowing me the opportunity to use my spot carpet cleaner once again. It must have been an overwhelming effort to make it through all 1300 square foot of wood and tile floor in this house, just so you could barf in the one room that has carpet. Your sympathy for the declining self-esteem of the rarely-used carpet cleaner brings tears to my eyes. Or maybe it was the yellow chunks. Either way, bravo! Bravo!

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Rule #1: If you take seconds at dinner, please take a new dish, rather than using the one you JUST ATE DINNER OFF. I love extra dishes.

 

Rule #2: If you want to drink nice, cold bottled water, please open a new bottle each time, leaving the half-empty (see, I'm a pessimist!) old bottles sitting all around the living room. God forbid you should finish a bottle before opening a new one!

 

Rule #3: If the cat has poop stuck on her fur, or gets a bit of poop on the floor, please just kindly inform me, so I can take care of it myself. I wouldn't want you to be bothered. Same thing with vomited hairballs.

 

Rule #4: Please loudly inform me of unimportant facts, such as your desire to see a movie that will be opening in summer of 2009, as I'm talking to the checkout girl in the market and attempting to write out my check. In fact, please do this every time I'm trying to talk to someone else, or concentrate.

 

Rule #5: If there is only a small amount of milk left in the container, please open a new one, because everyone knows that the other milk is now "too old and gross".

 

Rule #6: Please leave clumps of toothpaste all over the sink, on the occasions I can get you to brush. I agree with you, it is way too disgusting for you to be expected to swish out your own toothpaste spittings from the sink.

 

Love this thread! :lol:

Michelle T

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I've seen a few mentions of toothpaste on the sink and counter but I do believe you all have left out the extravagant toothpaste/saliva splatter art on the mirror.

 

Yes, children, please do share such art with me. I quite enjoy interpreting it as I do the clouds in the sky. A relaxing, pleasurable experience, it is.

And while you're at it, don't forget to stop up the sink overflow hole with more toothpaste.

Finish this ensemble off with informing me, ever so loudly and most likely while I'm on the phone..that you need more toothpaste.

 

 

And please do come to kiss and hug your baby brother as he sleeps in my arms after mommy just spent the last 1.5 hr trying to get him to sleep. It *was* just too quiet in the house now, I understand.

 

Please *slam* the doors as you enter and exit a hundred times. Because, we do want to be sure it is closed now don't we? Otherwise you would get scolded for leaving it open. Way to be sure!

 

(this has been an awesome thread! sorry I didn't catch it earlier in the day hehe)

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You ladies are killing me!:lol::lol::lol:

 

But to add:

 

The dog needs water? Sure I'll drop everything to fill up the water bowl you are staring at.

 

I thoroughly enjoy picking up your wet bathing suits that you started to hang up but didnt quite make it, thus leaving on the floor. The wet puddle left by them on the floor only helps me in mopping more efficiently.

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Oh no, dear child, you don't have to clean something that you didn't do! When I ask you to clean up the livingroom (or kitchen), I ONLY mean for you to clean up things that are yours. I wouldn't want you to get overly worked or too tired cleaning up ANYthing your brother or sister might have left out! That just wouldn't be fair!

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Oh, I was just given one in the last 10 minutes!!!!!

 

 

Thank you so much for the artistic toothpaste and saliva painting you left on the bathroom mirror. Knowing that your 10 year old self did this for me on purpose just makes it mean so much more than it would if it had been a spitting accident. Oh, and sticking your finger in the slightly warm wax of the bathroom candle and then adding the wax to the bathroom mirror just makes it so much more meaningful to me.

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I've seen a few mentions of toothpaste on the sink and counter but I do believe you all have left out the extravagant toothpaste/saliva splatter art on the mirror.

 

)

 

Jinx!!! I got that one too, I had not read yours yet. I guess we have kids who study at the same art studio?

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Oh, and if you run out of extra sugar for your pre-sugared cereal, get the big bin of sugar out of the pantry and refill the teeny tiny sugar bowl with a great big scoop. Make sure to spill some on the floor, while you're at it. I just love cleaning up sugar spills. Hey - speaking of sugar spills, if you pour yourself some OJ, be sure to leave the cap off the carton. It's such a nice surprise when I grab it in the morning and give it a good shake!

 

 

After all, we've always wanted more pets in the family, and the ants make such a *fine* addition, with their lovely little trails in and out of the window to get the sugar. Perhaps I could train them in my spare time so that we could have our own ant circus.

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