Tell me not to be hurt.....

[k2bdeutmeyer]

....or something.

 

**WARNING - more about my "friend" drama**

 

Just saw on FB that the "friend" (we'll call her J) I had the issue with and another gal (we'll call her A) in the group's husband are throwing a 40th bday party for A. I've known this was going to happen for months and months. We'd been planning it since my bday back in November. I clicked on the e-vite link to see if it was the bday party. It is. I wasn't invited. I didn't have any issues with anybody else in the group. Everybody is invited - including one of A's friends that J can't stand.

 

A has been friendly-ish toward me since things happened.....and so has J, actually. It's awkward, because I don't know what she knows/thinks.....and as I posted before, I'm just not sure how to act as they haven't included me in ANYTHING since this all happened. I'm actually quite okay with it all at this point, but for whatever reason this one hurt.

 

I'm not even sure I'd want to go if I WAS invited. It would be awkward at best. But for some reason, I read that e-vite and my heart just sunk. I wanted to cry.

 

Tell me to get it together and get over it!!!

[LaxMom]

Get it together and get over it!

:grouphug:

I totally get your hurt.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think that being on FB with these people is like picking at a scab. :grouphug: I'm sorry that you are being excluded.

[Guest]

I do understand those feelings, because I felt similarly about my "friend" that went bad. I would feel envious when another mutual friend would do things with her and I was not invited, even though I also didn't really *want* to be invited, because I didn't want to be around the ex-friend!

 

I really just think those things sting for a while. The best antidote for me was just to make arrangements to do fun things with my *real* friends. :grouphug:

[k2bdeutmeyer]

You don't need em....:glare::grouphug:

 

I know....I know!! Intellectually anyway. Wish my heart would get with the program, lol.

 

Regarding FB, J unfriended me a few weeks ago. A did not, but I do think she has me on ignore. I don't check their pages, I just see what pops up in my news feed. I refuse to un-friend them and feed into the immature drama :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I know....I know!! Intellectually anyway. Wish my heart would get with the program, lol.

 

Regarding FB, J unfriended me a few weeks ago. A did not, but I do think she has me on ignore. I don't check their pages, I just see what pops up in my news feed. I refuse to un-friend them and feed into the immature drama :)

 

But, may I gently point out that if you've been put on ignore, that you aren't feeding into the drama anyway? You are just allowing yourself to get pricked by everything related to them that comes across your news feed.

[ssavings]

You can "hide" her from your feed, and she won't even know. No drama.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

But, may I gently point out that if you've been put on ignore, that you aren't feeding into the drama anyway? You are just allowing yourself to get pricked by everything related to them that comes across your news feed.

 

True enough.

[Happy]

You can "hide" her from your feed, and she won't even know. No drama.

 

This might give you peace for a while, too. Give yourself a couple of months to grow past this then click unhide.

[KnitWit]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I would gently ask, how do you define *friend*? I don't know what originally happened, but this is not how friends treat each other. I also don't think it's feeding into any kind of drama for you to unfriend them and move on.

 

Set healthy boundaries around you and your family. If a situation is keeping you from *being there* for your husband and kids, remedy it. Remove it, raise the wall, walk away...whatever option you have in your control.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[k2bdeutmeyer]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I would gently ask, how do you define *friend*? I don't know what originally happened, but this is not how friends treat each other. I also don't think it's feeding into any kind of drama for you to unfriend them and move on.

 

Set healthy boundaries around you and your family. If a situation is keeping you from *being there* for your husband and kids, remedy it. Remove it, raise the wall, walk away...whatever option you have in your control.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Part 1 is HERE. Part 2 is HERE.

 

....and thank you :)

[elegantlion]

Consider yourself fortunate to not be in the same circle with such petty individuals any longer.

 

Have a good cry and some chocolate, but remember who is the bigger person. YOU, my dear. YOU are no one's project. You will set a better example for your dc by not being used by people. They are the ones missing one on someone real in their lives.

[bettyandbob]

I went through a situation with a "friend" a couple years back. I put everyone involved on ignore on FB. That's what you need to do.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

Consider yourself fortunate to not be in the same circle with such petty individuals any longer.

 

Have a good cry and some chocolate, but remember who is the bigger person. YOU, my dear. YOU are no one's project. You will set a better example for your dc by not being used by people. They are the ones missing one on someone real in their lives.

 

And THIS is why I love this place so much :)

[tristangrace]

Don't confuse Facebook "reality" with reality. By clicking on "unfriend", you are not actually doing something unfriendly. You are merely changing settings on a computer to manage digital content, not flipping someone the finger. No need to feel guilty or immature about contributing to drama.

[5LittleMonkeys]

:grouphug::grouphug:If they aren't your friends anymore why would you have issue with unfriending them? It sounds as if they obviously don't care about you or your feelings since they excluded you from the party that everyone else is invited to so why are you assuming they even care about you unfriending them? At the very least, put them on ignore and stop allowing them to waste your precious time and energy.

 

Oh, and if you say you don't unfriend them because it would be awkward when you have to interact with them irl...it's only awkward if you allow it to be. If one of them has the nerve to ask you about it simply tell them that you've decided to restrict your friends on facebook to those individuals who are either family or extremely close friends. I would view these women as mere acquaintances at best. Be polite if they ask how you are, deal with them in a matter of fact way if you must for the sake of a co-op (can't remember exactly how you are associated with them), but don't fake friendliness and familiarity if you truly don't like them and have no interest in cultivating long term relationships with them. You are obviously on the outside of the circle when it comes to these women...don't waste anymore time with them.:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Edited to add: I don't mean to be snippy or snotty toward you; I know you are hurting. I just get so angry when I hear of grown women (your "friends") treating others as if they were still in some clique in highschool. Don't give them the satisfaction of wasting anymore time looking in from the outside.

[Parrothead]

Part 1 is HERE. Part 2 is HERE.

 

....and thank you :)

I just read all of the linked stuff. Your "friend" is also a Nut Job. You do not need to involve yourself with all that. The passive aggressive BS is so not worth it. Consider yourself lucky you can cut ties now without any guilt. Move on and find a better class of friends.

[Parrothead]

 

Edited to add: I don't mean to be snippy or snotty toward you; I know you are hurting. I just get so angry when I hear of grown women (your "friends") treating others as if they were still in some clique in highschool. Don't give them the satisfaction of wasting anymore time looking in from the outside.

:iagree: Let them live in the glory days. You are an adult with adult responsibilities and an adult outlook. Don't get sucked back to high school.

[Twilight Woods]

I know....I know!! Intellectually anyway. Wish my heart would get with the program, lol.

 

Regarding FB, J unfriended me a few weeks ago. A did not, but I do think she has me on ignore. I don't check their pages, I just see what pops up in my news feed. I refuse to un-friend them and feed into the immature drama :)

 

 

you should unfriend them both and block them so they are no longer in your world and you wont be hurt by things you see.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I had to do this a few days ago. turns out the person that unfriended me still subscribed to my feeds..... so I blocked her so she couldn't see anything I posted even on mutual friends.

[Remudamom]

Women can be very b!tchey. You are dealing with grown up mean girls. Shake it off, girl.

[3peasinWa]

I'd be hurt too - whether or not that I know I shouldn't be b/c of who J is(I just read the 2 previous threads). But these things still hurt. I pray you heal from this & move on from them in a healthy way. J is not a healthy person - she is spiritually/emotionally sick right now. So how she is acting is not b/c of you, it is her sickness. She will have to deal with it. Just try & remember not to take ownership of it.

[JVA]

I'm so sorry you've gone thru this....I've had a very similar experience- one woman is most definitely NPD (our dd is a mental health counselor and had her own dealings with her- this diagnosis is her conclusion) and the other woman was an enabler. Unfortunately, they both went to our church and our paths occaisionally crossed. I unfriended them both on FB and steer clear. The nut-job has left our church now as our pastor finally saw thru her and she wasn't getting her way anymore. The enabler is, I believe, remorseful.

You've gotten great advice- take the high road, hang with better friends who will respect you and try not to let their activities bring you down. It's awful, it hurts and takes time to heal from it. You're better than they are and can see where you've grown because of it. It will get better. :grouphug:

[Truscifi]

:iagree: Let them live in the glory days. You are an adult with adult responsibilities and an adult outlook. Don't get sucked back to high school.

 

:iagree: with Chucki. Don't get sucked back in.

 

:grouphug:

[MariannNOVA]

Oh, Kristen -- I am so sorry -- I know it hurts and you pr0obably can't just 'get over it.' That's how much those things hurt.

 

'Getting over it' is a process and you will get over it eventually, but it won't just go away.

 

I had a hurtful situation with a close friend last fall. It's been 'odd' ever since. Last week, I had a contribution check for a group that she leads as they were having a fund raiser.

 

I live three minutes from her. I emailed and asked her when I could take 30 seconds of her time and drop off the check (it WAS a generous check) - it was THIS 'group' that had caused the split between her and me.

 

She emails me back that there isn't a good time to drop off the check, and asks me if I will at such and such a place on saturday evening where her homeschool group is gathering for a pizza party. I replied that we weren't going to the pizza party.

 

I went to the post office, EXPRESS MAILED it to her. The postmaster thought I was a loon.

 

It got to her noon the next day. I received a love thank you text from her and a note in the mail.

 

I have done everything I can do to loet her know that "I would like to let bygones be bygones and clearly she has no intention for our friendship to return to what it was. And, now, I can accept that. I think I just had to try as hard as I could.

 

You will be okay -- and yeah, it hurts, but you will be okay.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[mommaduck]

Delete A from your profile also. If anything is said, state that you were cleaning up your account and deleting people that you weren't close to or didn't have much connection with. People do it all the time.

[TranquilMind]

k2bdeutmeyer;

I'm not even sure I'd want to go if I WAS invited. It would be awkward at best. But for some reason, I read that e-vite and my heart just sunk. I wanted to cry.

 

Tell me to get it together and get over it!!!

 

It might be best if you just stay off Facebook for awhile. Start a new hobby. Find a new friend. Do something you enjoy.

 

Facebook is not helping because you can see things about people that you'd rather not know. I don't have one, intentionally. But to check an invitation out that was posted on my husband's, I got on his (with his complete permission/approval) a week or so ago.

 

A former "friend" who had treated me very shabbily and her spouse was being praised by other people of our acquaintance because "they are just such great people and such a blessing to everyone".

 

Ha...not to me or my family. If they only knew. I wish I hadn't seen it.

 

THIS is why I don't have a Facebook. What I don't know won't bother me.

[Word Nerd]

:iagree: Let them live in the glory days. You are an adult with adult responsibilities and an adult outlook. Don't get sucked back to high school.

 

:iagree: And I think you should unfriend A. She isn't your friend.

[goldberry]

Did I miss the part about how the other friends in the group were involved? Did everyone just take J's side? Did you try to deal directly with the other friends and were rebuffed?

 

Is A someone you were close enough with to talk to directly? (only asking if that hasn't already happened).

 

So sorry...I have been on the "outside".

[Desert Rat]

May I suggest you hide them on your news feed, also? This way you wouldn't see this kind of thing and if you feel like checking in on them, you can always click on their page. I agree with not deleting them, but I think it would help you heal if you hid them for awhile. You can always unhide them later.

[tex-mex]

But, may I gently point out that if you've been put on ignore, that you aren't feeding into the drama anyway? You are just allowing yourself to get pricked by everything related to them that comes across your news feed.

:iagree:

 

I say unfriend the last person left on the issue. Much like cutting out a rotten root that is infecting the plant. Toxic people. No need to have friends like that in your life.

[MariannNOVA]

:iagree:

 

I say unfriend the last person left on the issue. Much like cutting out a rotten root that is infecting the plant. Toxic people. No need to have friends like that in your life.

 

:iagree:

[Heather in AL]

:iagree:

 

I say unfriend the last person left on the issue. Much like cutting out a rotten root that is infecting the plant. Toxic people. No need to have friends like that in your life.

 

:iagree: That is not a friend. It may be difficult at first, but you will feel so empowered by taking control and cutting out the 'infection'.

[Hannah C.]

:grouphug:

 

Was A involved in the situation with J?

 

Unless you want to keep up with A's life/family, I would delete her. If it comes up later, you can say that you restrict your Facebook to close friends and family. No reason to let A see any of your personal stuff, either.

[ma23peas]

:grouphug: I read both parts of the story...just a lot of pride/sad state of affairs/ and people being self-serving and not a lot of 'servant' attitudes...we ALL have those moments! None of us are perfect and when we are being imperfect a lot of awkward and uncomfortable events take place.

Blow off the party...you're a big girl..you have to admit it would be even more awkward if you went and no one wants that at a party....I would keep them as a friend on fb but select the option that they can't see your updates and vice versa...if there is a big need in the future and people come to their senses...you can be there to help correct some of the icky wrong turns..as can she(they)...and you can be a bit joyful in the fact they left you out...keeps you from having to make an awkward choice to show up! I much prefer the easier path when it comes to social drama! :) You will learn from this and your smile will come through to befriend a more deserving soul :)

[k2bdeutmeyer]

Did I miss the part about how the other friends in the group were involved? Did everyone just take J's side? Did you try to deal directly with the other friends and were rebuffed?

 

Is A someone you were close enough with to talk to directly? (only asking if that hasn't already happened).

 

So sorry...I have been on the "outside".

 

No, you didn't miss anything. Nobody else was involved. In fact, even now, I don't have a clue what the rest of the groups knows about the situation, or what they think about me/it. I have maintained a pleasant demeanor with everyone (including J). They, however, have been a bit awkward with me. I was hoping it was just my perception, but realized that I was getting a bit of the cold shoulder.

 

I haven't discussed ANY of this with anyone in the group since it happened. I was tempted a few times, but decided it could be construed as starting drama and that it was best to just let it fade away since it didn't really involve any of them anyway.

 

I'm actually okay with it. I've been more involved with my kids, home, and husband, and I like it. I forgot how good that makes me feel. Seeing info about playdates and girl's nights doesn't and hasn't bothered me. I didn't know why this bothered me today.

 

I was talking to DH earlier though and it hit me - I know why this got to me. Up until this point, things were a bit awkward with the rest of the group, but there was no blatant confirmation that they were on board with J. However, this, to me, was a clear message from A.

[Rosie_0801]

Delete them. No good comes from sticking yourself with other people's stilettos.

 

 

Rosie

[KnitWit]

Oh my goodness! After reading the *back story*, I say GIRLFRIEND! Shake the dust off your shoes and WALK ON!

 

Friends don't treat friends like that!

 

I had a situation with someone I thought to be a friend who completely wronged me. It has all been hashed out and we are "friendly" again...but *I* am much wiser. She's an "acquaintance" now, not a friend. Not only that but the way I view it is that I was mistaken...she was NEVER a friend, because friends don't treat friends the way she treated me.

 

Step back from the situation and look clearly at the whole picture. Look at it from the perspective of what you would tell someone else if you were hearing this story from someone else.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry.

[Word Nerd]

No good comes from sticking yourself with other people's stilettos.

 

 

Rosie

 

I like that! I have two daughters and will store it in my head for future use.

[StephanieZ]

I know....I know!! Intellectually anyway. Wish my heart would get with the program, lol.

 

Regarding FB, J unfriended me a few weeks ago. A did not, but I do think she has me on ignore. I don't check their pages, I just see what pops up in my news feed. I refuse to un-friend them and feed into the immature drama :)

 

At least "hide" them on YOUR newsfeed. They won't know you did it, and you won't see any of their stuff. It is a small kindness you can do for yourself.

 

 

((((hugs))))

 

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Love people who love you, do kind things for yourself, and "hide" these people from your fb feed and your life!

[readinmom]

Let it go...hide your news feed, as others suggested. I wouldn't unfriend as this would just fuel the fire. One option is to do the "hide", stay off of facebook for about six-eight weeks, then create a new page. That way you have the power of creating a new friend list.

 

As for the friend situation, I'm sorry. As we get older, we redefine what friendship is and means to us. Obviously, these friends do not have your heart as their best interest. Resulting to "you're not invited to my party" tactics is shallow, to say the least.

 

Take this time to reinvent yourself. Get a new haircut,join a new club, try a new activity.

 

:grouphug: Praying for you

[SunnyDays]

Sweetie, I just read the whole backstory. Wow. These are truly the mean girls from high school. You probably don't want to be around any of them, because if she'll stoop to that level to your face, I'm sure she's made herself look like an innocent victim in any story she's told.

 

I'm so sorry you're still dealing with this. I'm not on FB, I decided not to even go there. But I have seen the drama it can cause. I would hide them for now then defriend them, or just go straight to defriending them. If they have a bunch of friends on their list, they might not even notice for a while.

 

Sometimes we think we've over something, then the least little thing will trigger it all back up again.

 

I'm glad that you're focusing on your family. I agree, try a new hobby, or see if you can meet new people. Do you attend church or religious services? Can you try to befriend some of the other preschool parents? (Or is preschool over now?)

 

Keep being yourself. I know it's hard to open up once you've been burned, I still struggle with how much of myself to reveal. When you find *real* friends, they will love you for who you are. Many hugs to you...

[AdamsFamily]

Clean up your facebook. Delete/ignore - whichever. Make special plans for the same night as that bday party. Better friends are in your future! :grouphug:

[AdamsFamily]

Oh. I just read the back story. Sounds like you are dealing with a very insecure person. Anyone audacious enough to tell you how to live your life must be overcompensating for her own inadequacies. Good riddance! I know it hurts now, but there are other potential friends out there. Others who will not treat you like a project nor try to take advantage of you.:glare:

[besroma]

Clean up your facebook. Delete/ignore - whichever. Make special plans for the same night as that bday party. Better friends are in your future! :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:You will be fine. Time will bring great healing. You may periodically get a sting like this, but even those will lose their intensity with time.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[k2bdeutmeyer]

Thank you everyone!!! I'm feeling better today. I think I just needed to get beyond the realization that the rest of the group really is on board and probably doesn't think very nice things about me.

[KnitWit]

Thank you everyone!!! I'm feeling better today. I think I just needed to get beyond the realization that the rest of the group really is on board and probably doesn't think very nice things about me.

 

Not necessarily. Try not to assume. :grouphug:

[sassenach]

I would not unfriend her, but I would hide her. No reason to have her popping up in your feed all the time.

[MariannNOVA]

Thank you everyone!!! I'm feeling better today. I think I just needed to get beyond the realization that the rest of the group really is on board and probably doesn't think very nice things about me.[/QUOTE]

 

 

In red, cut yourself a break. That is not necessarily so. I learned that although everyone else in the group in my situation was NOT onboard with what one individual did, no one had any intention of interceding. Their actions supported their opinion that it was between her and me. It didn't matter that it DID affect the whole group -- it was between her and me.

 

Truth be told, the rest of the group probably doesn't think anything at all -- people are totally involved with their own lives -- they really aren't thinking about whether or not you are hurting or being treated wrongly.

 

sorry but that's the truth as I see it.:grouphug:

[k2bdeutmeyer]

Thank you everyone!!! I'm feeling better today. I think I just needed to get beyond the realization that the rest of the group really is on board and probably doesn't think very nice things about me.[/QUOTE]

 

 

In red, cut yourself a break. That is not necessarily so. I learned that although everyone else in the group in my situation was NOT onboard with what one individual did, no one had any intention of interceding. Their actions supported their opinion that it was between her and me. It didn't matter that it DID affect the whole group -- it was between her and me.

 

Truth be told, the rest of the group probably doesn't think anything at all -- people are totally involved with their own lives -- they really aren't thinking about whether or not you are hurting or being treated wrongly.

 

sorry but that's the truth as I see it.:grouphug:

 

I've been suspecting they were "poisoned", so to speak, for awhile (see HERE). It's more than just the party.....though I would think if A still wanted me as a friend she would've said "yes, include her" when J asked. No, I don't know for sure that J asked, but based on past experience, I'd be willing to bet on it.

 

Maybe the rest of the group really doesn't care. You may be right, but nobody has reached out in response to my efforts. Nobody has called me, texted me, etc......and I was NOT invited to a child's birthday party that we had previously been invited to verbally (not J's child).