Step daughter crashing Mother's Day

[TGHEALTHYMOM]

Help me know what to do!

 

This is the 4th year in a row that my grown step daughter is inviting herself over on Mother's Day weekend. It started as a passive aggressive ploy against her mother whom she is mad at for getting married.

 

My dh does not see it and won't believe me.

 

The first year we had major flooding and a state of emergency; not to mention roads were closed and our basement flooded badly. So, we had to have our ds 12 th bday party with 2 other boys over to spend the night.

She brough a creepy guy with her and kept talking to our kids behind our backs about how awful her life was because her mom just gotten married.

I was mad when I found out how she had behaved. But nothing was ever said to her about her behavior.

 

 

She lived with us for 1 year and hated me so much, even though I tried to be way too nice and did all of the laundry and cooking. I also gave her a lot of time alone with her dad.

 

Please, any advice.... or comments are welcome.

 

I feel like a doormat and this is causing us to have a riff between us again.

I am 37 weeks pregnant and a friend of my dh has offered to help us remodel our only bathroom this weekend too at a low cost. The floor is damaged badly and we need a new tub and shower. It will take all day Saturday and possibly longer. So it is not a good time anyway!

[*********]

Fellow stepmom here...

 

Is it possible that the girl really does want to be with you on Mother's Day? Especially if she's feeling estranged from her mother right now, she might just want to be with you.

 

I get that it's not a good time. I get that you all weren't close when she lived with you. But I can't imagine telling any of my kids (including my stepkids) that they *couldn't* come see me on Mother's Day.

 

Ymmv, of course.

[kalanamak]

 

My dh does not see it and won't believe me.

 

 

If he really wants her over, they he needs to cope with her, not you. Let him entertain and/or corral her. You are busy.

[kalanamak]

 

I get that it's not a good time. I get that you all weren't close when she lived with you. But I can't imagine telling any of my kids (including my stepkids) that they *couldn't* come see me on Mother's Day.

 

 

Do you think grown child should be able to "invite themselves" over any time they choose? A busy and pregnant woman with remodeling going on should be able to say no to a grown child on any given weekend. If you think about it, it should be **mother's** day, not anyone else in the families.

 

If she doesn't want to visit her mother, she could go to the zoo, visit friends, work, clean her apartment, any number of things. I think a mother ought to be able to say no mom's day this year, I'm large-bellied and busy.

[Mergath]

A stepdaughter coming over for Mother's Day isn't a hill I would die on. I mean, isn't that preferable to her completely ignoring you on Mother's Day? Just tell her, "Oh, wonderful, we're remodeling the bathroom on Saturday and we could use another pair of hands to do some of the work!"

[Mamachick2]

Fellow stepmom here...

 

Is it possible that the girl really does want to be with you on Mother's Day? Especially if she's feeling estranged from her mother right now, she might just want to be with you.

 

I get that it's not a good time. I get that you all weren't close when she lived with you. But I can't imagine telling any of my kids (including my stepkids) that they *couldn't* come see me on Mother's Day.

 

Ymmv, of course.

:iagree:

The Grown DD in my signature is my stepdaughter. She lived with us for 4 years, and hated me at that time too. However, she's now 25, and I'm planning her wedding, not her mom. Her mom hasn't really been very nice.

 

I always encouraged her to try to show her mom grace. That being said, perhaps this would be a way to get close to her, or try to understand what's going on. Maybe she needs a mom as much my stepdaughter does. I'd definitely call her ahead of time to see if you can find out what's going on, and also lay down some ground rules about who can come along. Having come through on the other side, my daughter is such a blessing now. We talk almost daily, and have since she's been out on her own. Don't get me wrong, this relationship didn't happen overnight, it was hard work. I often felt like a doormat too.

[Dustybug]

Do you think grown child should be able to "invite themselves" over any time they choose? A busy and pregnant woman with remodeling going on should be able to say no to a grown child on any given weekend. If you think about it, it should be **mother's** day, not anyone else in the families.

 

If she doesn't want to visit her mother, she could go to the zoo, visit friends, work, clean her apartment, any number of things. I think a mother ought to be able to say no mom's day this year, I'm large-bellied and busy.

 

Well, I think this varies family to family. I would never have to call first to visit my mother and my stepfather and I do not get along at all. On DH's side, he and his sisters and myself all stop by his parents house all the time. It's expected and they would think we were silly if we called to check if it was okay first.

 

Fellow stepmom here...

 

Is it possible that the girl really does want to be with you on Mother's Day? Especially if she's feeling estranged from her mother right now, she might just want to be with you.

 

I get that it's not a good time. I get that you all weren't close when she lived with you. But I can't imagine telling any of my kids (including my stepkids) that they *couldn't* come see me on Mother's Day.

 

Ymmv, of course.

 

:iagree:Unless there was some extreme situation, I can't imagine telling a child that they couldn't come over.

[kalanamak]

On DH's side, he and his sisters and myself all stop by his parents house all the time. It's expected and they would think we were silly if we called to check if it was okay first.

 

To stay the weekend when the hostess is 37 weeks? Stopping off for a sandwich and chat is one thing, dropping by to borrow the kayak paddle, great, but expecting a place to sleep and 3 squares?

[amy g.]

In our family, adult children do invite themselves over, whenever. When my dad was alive, he would invite himself over. If I had something going on, I'd warn him, that some of might be gone, or that the house was a wreck, but of course he could come over anyway.

 

My husband is one of 8, and they all just show up at their mom's house whenever because that is how she likes it.

 

Shoot, my sister and best friend just invite themselves over to my house. I think it is completely fine for the original poster to have different boundaries and different rules. I'm just pointing out that what her stepdaughter is doing is perfectly acceptable in some families.

 

Again, I respect the OP's right to structure her family any way she likes, but I do agree that for MYSELF, I would not ever tell my children that they can not visit.

 

I've found that Mother's day always ends up being about making other's in the family happy anyway.

[Impish]

She's family, not a guest, so treat her accordingly, and get her to help w/remodelling, cooking, cleaning, whatever.

 

If she is expecting to be catered to, that's what a hotel is for.

[kalanamak]

 

I've found that Mother's day always ends up being about making other's in the family happy anyway.

 

 

I knew there was a reason I never wanted it mentioned in my house. :D

[Dustybug]

To stay the weekend when the hostess is 37 weeks? Stopping off for a sandwich and chat is one thing, dropping by to borrow the kayak paddle, great, but expecting a place to sleep and 3 squares?

 

Yes, in our family we could stop by and stay if we wanted. *shrug* We haven't ever actually done it, but then again, my ILs only live 5 min. away.

[amy g.]

I just got 2 Breyer horses for my gift (We are celebrating today, because I'll be out of the country next weekend). The Dh offered to take us out to eat, but I'm so exhausted after working in the sun all day, that I told him to bring me take out, and deliver it to me in my recliner.

 

The kids are happy that they got me a great gift that anyone with half a brain would love. Dh is happy that he is buying me a nice meal, and I'm happy because I don't have to move.

[Guest submarines]

A stepdaughter coming over for Mother's Day isn't a hill I would die on. I mean, isn't that preferable to her completely ignoring you on Mother's Day? Just tell her, "Oh, wonderful, we're remodeling the bathroom on Saturday and we could use another pair of hands to do some of the work!"

 

:iagree:

[Starr]

I just got 2 Breyer horses for my gift (We are celebrating today, because I'll be out of the country next weekend). The Dh offered to take us out to eat, but I'm so exhausted after working in the sun all day, that I told him to bring me take out, and deliver it to me in my recliner.

 

The kids are happy that they got me a great gift that anyone with half a brain would love. Dh is happy that he is buying me a nice meal, and I'm happy because I don't have to move.

 

 

You see, Amy has it down. Mother's Day out of the country! :lol:

[Joanne]

My children have a stepmother. I would be terribly sad if she framed things the way you do.

 

Divorce and remarriage are difficult and complicated. It gets even more so with new additions that are cutem cuddly, ad don't have the emotional baggage of pre existing kids.

 

I am in favor of healthy boundaries, but I am also in favor of erring on the side of grace in divorce situations when it comes to the kids - even adult ones.

[AimeeM]

To stay the weekend when the hostess is 37 weeks? Stopping off for a sandwich and chat is one thing, dropping by to borrow the kayak paddle, great, but expecting a place to sleep and 3 squares?

In our family, yes. Us children are welcome (with excitement) any time we happen over. Given, my dad and stepmom recently moved 16 hours away, but before they did, we often popped over there (even for an entire weekend; me and the two kiddos) or they popped over here (and were always welcome to stay the night and be fed).

[Danestress]

Whether she comes at all and how she behaves.

 

I could never tell my own child he or she was not welcome to visit, and it never occurred to me I wouldn't be welcome at my parents' home. I can not imagine telling my adult child he can't come for the day. That just seems sosad to me and like something a step mom has to accept.

 

On the other hand, I have no problem saying he can't bring guests, needs to pitch in with meal prep or cleanup, can't smoke, needs to be civil, or can't tease the younger children. I don't have to tell my son these things, but I would if I had to.

[stansclan89]

In my and dh's family, coming without invitation would be perfectly acceptable. It would not be expected that they would cater to us though. They would expect that we would help with any projects that happen to be going on, can make up our own beds if they didn't have time, and can make food for ourselves/others if need be.

 

With it being Mother's Day, I would not expect that you would do anything at all. It is the kids job to take care of you (including dsd).

 

In my own house, I get breakfast in bed, any lunch/dinner that I want (the kids get out a recipe book and cook for me), and I sit in a recliner and play online or watch movies or...whatever I want to do.

[kalanamak]

In our family, yes. Us children are welcome (with excitement) any time we happen over. Given, my dad and stepmom recently moved 16 hours away, but before they did, we often popped over there (even for an entire weekend; me and the two kiddos) or they popped over here (and were always welcome to stay the night and be fed).

 

And if your parents said "We are busy/sick/traveling/already having guests so the guest room is full" you would still expect to stay?

 

Perhaps because my mother is of an older generation (she was born in 1917), and believed in things like written thank you notes (and pressed sheets, and linen tableclothes, and sitdown dinners on china with silver and crystal), etc. and had a large family (what would have happened if we had all decided to come stay?), AND because she got to be rather old, I would tell her when we were coming to town, and ask what the best arrangement would be. Most of the time we stayed with her, but sometimes she asked I stay with my brother, whose lifestyle was much more casual than hers.

 

However, I do realize I had an upbringing that was both formal, but also extra-heavy on the polite. Even if I "knew" I could bring a guest to eat (something she never, ever said no to) I would still ask. The not asking would have been more distress to her than the visitor. She would have felt she'd failed at pounding those manners into us. ;) I certainly didn't mind being deferential to her. She slaved like a dog to make our house beautiful and the meals special. She wanted a polite request, and deserved to get what she wanted.

 

When I was 37 weeks preggers, I was working 70 hours a week and madly trying to get ready for a baby. At that time my husband's girls were rather surly (and disgusted we were having a baby at our ancient ages). Back then I was not getting so much as a hello, goodbye, please, or thank you out of them (literally!). I would not have appreciated them showing up. They tended to have Dad run room service to them, and what little he did around the house would be dumped onto me while he ran them to movies, meals out, shopping trips, etc. (Buying love.) No, I would not have been happy to have them there at that time.

[Mom0012]

I don't know. It's Mother's Day and it doesn't sound like you really have been in a mother role with her. I understand what other people are saying about their own children, but if this is a child who only lived with you for one year and you do not have a relationship with her, why should you have to have your day ruined every year? I think I would say that I was busy on that day, but invite her over another day later in the week for dinner or something. Now, if we were discussing Father's Day, I'd see it totally differently.

 

Lisa

[kalanamak]

Now, if we were discussing Father's Day, I'd see it totally differently.

 

 

:iagree:

[Impish]

Personally, I would have been deeply unhappy w/ANYONE coming to stay for a wknd when I was 37 wks.

 

Heck, at 37 wks, I didn't want Wolf and the kids around me, let alone a wknd visit w/anyone :lol:

[LG Gone Wild]

37 weeks is a GAME CHANGER. Don't feel guilty about saying,"No way, Jose!" Unless of course she is coming over to help and massage your feet. :tongue_smilie:

[Mommyof4ks]

Do you think grown child should be able to "invite themselves" over any time they choose? A busy and pregnant woman with remodeling going on should be able to say no to a grown child on any given weekend. If you think about it, it should be **mother's** day, not anyone else in the families.

 

If she doesn't want to visit her mother, she could go to the zoo, visit friends, work, clean her apartment, any number of things. I think a mother ought to be able to say no mom's day this year, I'm large-bellied and busy.

 

All families are different. My sister and I are grown, and unless our parents tell us they prefer to be alone, then we are free to invite ourselves there and they can invite themselves to our house anytime. We enjoy getting together though, and it sounds like there are other issues with your SDD. In our family Mother's day is a holiday that we all get together for to celebrate the moms in the family. We celebrate everything though, so holidays and birthdays are full of craziness lol.

 

ETA: I was 39 weeks pregnant on Mother's 6 years ago, and I still cooked and went to my mom's house to celebrate. I guess by number three it was a big deal going about the day, because I had so much going on anyway with my other kids.

Edited May 7, 2012 by dwkilburn1

[CupOCoffee]

I don't know. It's Mother's Day and it doesn't sound like you really have been in a mother role with her. I understand what other people are saying about their own children, but if this is a child who only lived with you for one year and you do not have a relationship with her, why should you have to have your day ruined every year? I think I would say that I was busy on that day, but invite her over another day later in the week for dinner or something. Now, if we were discussing Father's Day, I'd see it totally differently.

 

Lisa

 

 

^^ that!

[Danestress]

I didn't see that, and that would change things. If step daughter is close enough to come for the day, that would be different than if she has to sleep there with the only bathroom under rehab and a 37 week pregnant step mom.

[Impish]

OP said Mother's Day wknd

[Dustybug]

 

On the other hand, I have no problem saying he can't bring guests, needs to pitch in with meal prep or cleanup, can't smoke, needs to be civil, or can't tease the younger children. I don't have to tell my son these things, but I would if I had to.

 

I have to add that while we do have a stop by anytime way about our families, I do agree with the above. Also, we wouldn't necessarily EXPECT to be catered to, but we would probably have meals provided for us anyhow, and we would definitely pitch in with anything that needed to be done.

 

 

FWIW, all of my pregnancies have gone to 41 weeks or longer, so at 37 weeks, I'd still feel like I had quite awhile to go before baby came. :)

[besroma]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this at 37 weeks. It sounds like it will be difficult either way....if she comes, it will be stressful because she is there, and if she doesn't, it sounds like it will be cause trouble with DH if she doesn't.

 

I would choose the scenario that would cause the least amount of stress for the least amount of time (like let her come, which would make DH happy, but you oversee the bathroom renovation and let DH entertain and/or cater to her).;)

[Janie Grace]

Personally, I would have been deeply unhappy w/ANYONE coming to stay for a wknd when I was 37 wks.

 

Heck, at 37 wks, I didn't want Wolf and the kids around me, let alone a wknd visit w/anyone :lol:

 

:iagree: Sorry but 37 weeks means people don't get to "crash" you, even your very favorite people. Would she be staying the night? I'd say no to that. Coming for a meal and to hang out? I'd allow it, but with clear agreement ahead of time from dh about what all it will entail. I cannot handle extra stuff right before I deliver (I deliver at 38 weeks, always). I used to stuff it and try to fake graciousness, but as I got older, I got confident enough to say "you know what, I just CAN'T."

[AimeeM]

And if your parents said "We are busy/sick/traveling/already having guests so the guest room is full" you would still expect to stay?

 

Perhaps because my mother is of an older generation (she was born in 1917), and believed in things like written thank you notes (and pressed sheets, and linen tableclothes, and sitdown dinners on china with silver and crystal), etc. and had a large family (what would have happened if we had all decided to come stay?), AND because she got to be rather old, I would tell her when we were coming to town, and ask what the best arrangement would be. Most of the time we stayed with her, but sometimes she asked I stay with my brother, whose lifestyle was much more casual than hers.

 

However, I do realize I had an upbringing that was both formal, but also extra-heavy on the polite. Even if I "knew" I could bring a guest to eat (something she never, ever said no to) I would still ask. The not asking would have been more distress to her than the visitor. She would have felt she'd failed at pounding those manners into us. ;) I certainly didn't mind being deferential to her. She slaved like a dog to make our house beautiful and the meals special. She wanted a polite request, and deserved to get what she wanted.

 

When I was 37 weeks preggers, I was working 70 hours a week and madly trying to get ready for a baby. At that time my husband's girls were rather surly (and disgusted we were having a baby at our ancient ages). Back then I was not getting so much as a hello, goodbye, please, or thank you out of them (literally!). I would not have appreciated them showing up. They tended to have Dad run room service to them, and what little he did around the house would be dumped onto me while he ran them to movies, meals out, shopping trips, etc. (Buying love.) No, I would not have been happy to have them there at that time.

They would be more than happy to host us at any time and we did indeed host them one time during an entire kitchen renovation (we ate out, lol!).

 

My husband grew up in a very formal, traditional, immigrant family (Italian), but his father makes us feel welcome at any time and never have I (or my husband) felt the need to check for a best time to come over.

 

I will say this though - bringing guests of the opposite sex with us, when we were unmarried adults, would have been HUGE no'no's in both homes (mine and my husband's). Period. Our children are always welcome in our home... even when they are adults (we plan to keep their bedrooms for them as our parents did us); but there will be no guests for overnight visits of the opposite sex if they aren't married. :tongue_smilie:

[Shellers]

A stepdaughter coming over for Mother's Day isn't a hill I would die on. I mean, isn't that preferable to her completely ignoring you on Mother's Day? Just tell her, "Oh, wonderful, we're remodeling the bathroom on Saturday and we could use another pair of hands to do some of the work!"

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

I have two step daughters (20 & 36). I've been married to their dad for 17 years. I would let this one go.

[QueenCat]

I could never tell my own child he or she was not welcome to visit, and it never occurred to me I wouldn't be welcome at my parents' home. I can not imagine telling my adult child he can't come for the day.

 

Me either. I do call my parents to ask them if a certain week is okay for me to come. They always say yes, and change plans if they have too much going on. Why? Because they know my life is less flexible than theirs is right now, and whenever I can come is great. And they can come here anytime too. We just make it work, and enjoy life together.

[8circles]

Why does your stepdaughter coming over ruin the weekend?

 

She's family. Put her to work if needed. Make the rules clear. Don't make this a big thing.

[TGHEALTHYMOM]

Okay, I do understand some of the comments: this is our 8th child though, so I have a 2,4,6,8,10,12,15 yr.old and this is by far the worst preg ever! I have had tons of pre labor, been in triage, had a kidney infection, have to wear a belt to walk, been in so much pain I have had to come home with no groceries a few times, missed church several times. All related to my SEVERE endometriosis that took last year from me and I got pregnant right after major surgery to remove it.

 

She is bringing her twin boys and live in boyfriend. My dh went to see her in the hospital and stayed a few days. I told him to go see her instead of her coming here. I would love to see them, but I guess I will let them come. It will be crazy, but the kicker is my dh has to help alot in the remodel. The floor is very bad and he is determined to get it repaired along with a new tub, shower, vanity, and sink as well as remove the tile on the walls and sand it all down.

 

She does not want to be around me or our children and is very spoiled to her dad. So, I am not just thinking about myself, but really everyone.

 

They will be driving from Chicago to Western KY. We do not have enough living space right now for us! So, the only way anyone could sleep over is in a tent or on air mattresses. ;)

 

My mom is widowed for 2 years now and has been bringing meals, helping with the basement, washing laundry, and much more. I want to be with her some on Mothers Day and am not prepared for that at all, Not to mention the only day I am allowed to get out of the house is Saturday.

[CupOCoffee]

Okay, I do understand some of the comments: this is our 8th child though, so I have a 2,4,6,8,10,12,15 yr.old and this is by far the worst preg ever! I have had tons of pre labor, been in triage, had a kidney infection, have to wear a belt to walk, been in so much pain I have had to come home with no groceries a few times, missed church several times. All related to my SEVERE endometriosis that took last year from me and I got pregnant right after major surgery to remove it.

 

She is bringing her twin boys and live in boyfriend. My dh went to see her in the hospital and stayed a few days. I told him to go see her instead of her coming here. I would love to see them, but I guess I will let them come. It will be crazy, but the kicker is my dh has to help alot in the remodel. The floor is very bad and he is determined to get it repaired along with a new tub, shower, vanity, and sink as well as remove the tile on the walls and sand it all down.

 

She does not want to be around me or our children and is very spoiled to her dad. So, I am not just thinking about myself, but really everyone.

 

They will be driving from Chicago to Western KY. We do not have enough living space right now for us! So, the only way anyone could sleep over is in a tent or on air mattresses. ;)

 

My mom is widowed for 2 years now and has been bringing meals, helping with the basement, washing laundry, and much more. I want to be with her some on Mothers Day and am not prepared for that at all, Not to mention the only day I am allowed to get out of the house is Saturday.

 

I am with you on this! You have a right to say NO to this: she is NOT your daughter; she does NOT want to spend time with you/your children....

 

With all that you are going through right now, I would be firm and just say that it won't work out this time. I also think your Dh should be in your corner, supporting you. This is *his* daughter, who doesn't like you, and it's MOTHER'S day...for me it would be a no brainer.

 

~coffee~

[Trish]

Let her come and make herself useful. Act loving and you may end up feeling that way. It may eventually affect her similarly.

[8circles]

Okay, I do understand some of the comments: this is our 8th child though, so I have a 2,4,6,8,10,12,15 yr.old and this is by far the worst preg ever! I have had tons of pre labor, been in triage, had a kidney infection, have to wear a belt to walk, been in so much pain I have had to come home with no groceries a few times, missed church several times. All related to my SEVERE endometriosis that took last year from me and I got pregnant right after major surgery to remove it.

 

She is bringing her twin boys and live in boyfriend. My dh went to see her in the hospital and stayed a few days. I told him to go see her instead of her coming here. I would love to see them, but I guess I will let them come. It will be crazy, but the kicker is my dh has to help alot in the remodel. The floor is very bad and he is determined to get it repaired along with a new tub, shower, vanity, and sink as well as remove the tile on the walls and sand it all down.

 

She does not want to be around me or our children and is very spoiled to her dad. So, I am not just thinking about myself, but really everyone.

 

They will be driving from Chicago to Western KY. We do not have enough living space right now for us! So, the only way anyone could sleep over is in a tent or on air mattresses. ;)

 

My mom is widowed for 2 years now and has been bringing meals, helping with the basement, washing laundry, and much more. I want to be with her some on Mothers Day and am not prepared for that at all, Not to mention the only day I am allowed to get out of the house is Saturday.

 

Aha! I didn't get those details in the op. If you can't host them all, its ok to send them to a hotel. But it'll probably have to be her dad who sets those boundaries.

 

Try to have a happy mothers day anyway.

[Rosie_0801]

Huh. The update changed my opinion from not being a hill to die on to not a chance in Hades. A few hours, sure, of course. Stay for the weekend? No.

 

Rosie

Edited May 7, 2012 by Rosie_0801

[Unicorn.]

You have one bathroom? And that one bathroom will be underging a remodel? 37 weeks pregnant, and eight kids. She's bringing twins and a boyfriend? Call her and tell her NO! No way in He double hockey sticks. Tell her if she does come, she has to stay in that tent, and use the bathroom at the gas station. Maybe she'll

re-think the whole trip!

[MomatHWTK]

This is the daughter of the man who OP married and lives with in the house, right? I would wish that my children would not even want to visit when our house was in such chaos once they reached adulthood, but I certainly wouldn't think I could exclude a child of the co-owner of the home from visiting. I would think any issue should be between OP and the father of all these children.

[RanchGirl]

Maybe she's trying to reach out... how heartbreaking if she is trying to find some way to connect with a mother-figure and facing rejection on all sides. I get that you feel she's not your daughter, you're just married to her father, you have your own kids and logistic issues, but I just feel sad for her.

[Audrey]

Fellow stepmom here...

 

Is it possible that the girl really does want to be with you on Mother's Day? Especially if she's feeling estranged from her mother right now, she might just want to be with you.

 

I get that it's not a good time. I get that you all weren't close when she lived with you. But I can't imagine telling any of my kids (including my stepkids) that they *couldn't* come see me on Mother's Day.

 

Ymmv, of course.

 

 

:iagree: These were my thoughts exactly, especially the bolded.

[tex-mex]

Okay, I do understand some of the comments: this is our 8th child though, so I have a 2,4,6,8,10,12,15 yr.old and this is by far the worst preg ever! I have had tons of pre labor, been in triage, had a kidney infection, have to wear a belt to walk, been in so much pain I have had to come home with no groceries a few times, missed church several times. All related to my SEVERE endometriosis that took last year from me and I got pregnant right after major surgery to remove it.

 

She is bringing her twin boys and live in boyfriend. My dh went to see her in the hospital and stayed a few days. I told him to go see her instead of her coming here. I would love to see them, but I guess I will let them come. It will be crazy, but the kicker is my dh has to help alot in the remodel. The floor is very bad and he is determined to get it repaired along with a new tub, shower, vanity, and sink as well as remove the tile on the walls and sand it all down.

 

She does not want to be around me or our children and is very spoiled to her dad. So, I am not just thinking about myself, but really everyone.

 

They will be driving from Chicago to Western KY. We do not have enough living space right now for us! So, the only way anyone could sleep over is in a tent or on air mattresses. ;)

 

My mom is widowed for 2 years now and has been bringing meals, helping with the basement, washing laundry, and much more. I want to be with her some on Mothers Day and am not prepared for that at all, Not to mention the only day I am allowed to get out of the house is Saturday.

 

This appears to be a father-daughter issue that just happens on Mother's Day. You have my sympathies. However, I would do the kind gesture of finding her and her brood a place to stay. You already have a large family. Open up a few more jars of spaghetti sauce or go out to eat cheaply. You have older kids who can pitch in and help with meals and clean up. Make step-dd and family sleep in a tent in the backyard or ask a friend to loan you a camper.

 

She is being immature and selfish. But as the older one, do her a favor by showing her love and ignoring her rudeness. I would hope one day she wakes up and realizes what a nitwit she had been to you. But I would never turn her away. That would be your husband's job to tell his own daughter NO. Worse case, get them a hotel room. But you are a blended family and you have to work this issue out with love and not war. This is not a hill to die on.

Edited May 7, 2012 by tex-mex

[NanceXToo]

My children have a stepmother. I would be terribly sad if she framed things the way you do.

 

Divorce and remarriage are difficult and complicated. It gets even more so with new additions that are cutem cuddly, ad don't have the emotional baggage of pre existing kids.

 

I am in favor of healthy boundaries, but I am also in favor of erring on the side of grace in divorce situations when it comes to the kids - even adult ones.

 

Maybe she's trying to reach out... how heartbreaking if she is trying to find some way to connect with a mother-figure and facing rejection on all sides. I get that you feel she's not your daughter, you're just married to her father, you have your own kids and logistic issues, but I just feel sad for her.

 

Is it possible that the girl really does want to be with you on Mother's Day? Especially if she's feeling estranged from her mother right now, she might just want to be with you.

 

I get that it's not a good time. I get that you all weren't close when she lived with you. But I can't imagine telling any of my kids (including my stepkids) that they *couldn't* come see me on Mother's Day.

 

Ymmv, of course.

 

A stepdaughter coming over for Mother's Day isn't a hill I would die on. I mean, isn't that preferable to her completely ignoring you on Mother's Day? Just tell her, "Oh, wonderful, we're remodeling the bathroom on Saturday and we could use another pair of hands to do some of the work!"

 

Well, generally speaking, I agree with all of this. I would not feel right about telling any of my kids, even if some of them were stepkids, that they couldn't/shouldn't visit me if they felt so inclined to on Mother's Day. Maybe she does want to be with you and your kids and her dad. Maybe she feels it wouldn't be right of her to NOT visit you on Mother's Day. She could be sitting there thinking "I'm a mom, this is my day, I'll do whatever I want, I have no obligation to visit my mother or stepmother"- but she wants to spend her Mother's Day visiting you. To me, that DOES mean something.

 

However, after you said all this:

 

Okay, I do understand some of the comments: this is our 8th child though, so I have a 2,4,6,8,10,12,15 yr.old and this is by far the worst preg ever! I have had tons of pre labor, been in triage, had a kidney infection, have to wear a belt to walk, been in so much pain I have had to come home with no groceries a few times, missed church several times. All related to my SEVERE endometriosis that took last year from me and I got pregnant right after major surgery to remove it.

 

She is bringing her twin boys and live in boyfriend. My dh went to see her in the hospital and stayed a few days. I told him to go see her instead of her coming here. I would love to see them, but I guess I will let them come. It will be crazy, but the kicker is my dh has to help alot in the remodel. The floor is very bad and he is determined to get it repaired along with a new tub, shower, vanity, and sink as well as remove the tile on the walls and sand it all down.

 

She does not want to be around me or our children and is very spoiled to her dad. So, I am not just thinking about myself, but really everyone.

 

They will be driving from Chicago to Western KY. We do not have enough living space right now for us! So, the only way anyone could sleep over is in a tent or on air mattresses. ;)

 

My mom is widowed for 2 years now and has been bringing meals, helping with the basement, washing laundry, and much more. I want to be with her some on Mothers Day and am not prepared for that at all, Not to mention the only day I am allowed to get out of the house is Saturday.

 

I can acknowledge that this really IS a difficult time and situation for you. So in this case I don't think you'd be out of line to say, "I haven't been feeling well this pregnancy, as you know the house is already packed with my family, and to top it all off, I have a bathroom remodeling project going on, so we either need to visit another time this year, or you would need to get a hotel room and just visit for a few hours. You're welcome to help with the project, if you'd like, if you do that! :) "

 

But the thing is it doesn't sound like this is just about this weekend, or Mother's Day, but about your relationship with her and feelings about her in general.

[Parrothead]

I think I would gather up the children and go visit my mother for the weekend. Seriously, no place to use the facilities for 13 people is a bit much. Take your kids and go to your mother's so you can pee regularly. At 37 weeks dd was sitting on my bladder I had to go every 1.5 hours.

 

You can stop in at home a time or two over the weekend and explain how difficult it is. Surely she remembers the bladder sitting. Make it funny and keep it light.

 

Don't let dh get her a hotel room. She may come to expect that. I don't know her or her motivations but if there is any chance that she will think "free vacation" it is best to just let her stay at your house.

[Danestress]

That this doesn't sound like simply a mothers day issue.

 

Normally I would think you should tell her to come after the baby is born so that she can meet her new sibling. But I am thinking it will be a pain to have her then, too. You will be overwhelmed nursing and caring for the new baby. My guess is, there will not be a lot of times when you will be glad to see four more people in a house that is already full. (and only one bathroom! Lol)

 

But while this is your 8th baby, it is you husband's ninth, at least. And these are his grandchildren. I have no understanding of a world in which one's grandchildren are discouraged from visiting. Right now, it sounds like she loves her dad but doesn't love being with you.

 

One way to heal that might be to heap tons and tons of affection and love on her children. That can sometimes heal a lot.

 

Maybe not this weekend. But at some point I think you need to work in how you see your husband's flesh and blood as "crashing" an event and how you seem to have really hurt feelings (no doubt because she has hurt you). Divorce just stinks for the kids involved. It isn't your fault, and these is only so much you can do, but a daughter who is not welcome in here father's house with his twin grandsons has lost something that ought to be a birth right.

 

So while there are various options (get them a hotel, pitch a tent, agree on a date later this month, send a few kids to your mom to make room) I think long term you will still have problems if you can't figure out how to include this woman in what you think of as "our family."

[Mamachick2]

That additional info definitely changes things! I'd have hubby tell her it's not a good time, unless she's coming to help you out or staying in a hotel.

Edited May 7, 2012 by Mamachick2

[BigMamaBird]

Since you're 37 weeks pregnant, it's Mother's Day and she's a grown woman, would your dh have a talk with her about "playing hostes?" Bringing a dessert, doing the dishes, cleaning up? If she really wants to come to be with you, she'll have no problem. If she's just passively aggressively trying to hurt her Mom, she won't want to actually put forth the effort.

 

It's *your* day, you should be spoiled by the people around you.