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Your single, most-effective parenting resource?

alisoncooks

By alisoncooks,
in K-8 Curriculum Board

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Missouri Okie

Missouri Okie

Posted
Posted

I used to be an authoritarian type of parent that demanded first time obedience, which I seldom actually got. It wasn't effective. When I read Hold on to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld, I felt the scales fell from my eyes.

 

I started working on my relationship with my children. Also, I started encouraging the right attitudes in my kids instead of the right behavior.

 

My kids aren't perfect, but they are more responsive to my requests and that response is motivated by love.

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Hunter

Hunter

Posted
Posted

Reading Ecclesiastes and changing my priorities and expectations.

 

An African American minister gave me very different advice, than all the white ones gave me over the years. He told me that despite my youngest being gifted, to deal with character first and academics second. I did listen to him, but not enough. I'm am so thankful for every second that I neglected academics to focus on character, for both of my boys.

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xixstar

xixstar

Posted
Posted
Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.)

 

 

 

Agree 100%!!! The book is great and our family is looking to do the at home study program to help get DH on board a bit more as well. When I look at what my goal is for raising a child, PET is perfectly in line with raising that child.

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Aspasia

Aspasia

Posted
Posted

Nap time! :lol:

 

Seriously,though, proper sleep is key in our house. I insist that everyone, including myself, get enough sleep. Because if just one person is under-slept, we ALL pay for it.

 

I'm actually in the process of reading Hold On To Your Kids right now, so I'm happy to see it mentioned so much!

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Dolphin

Dolphin

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Posted

Strict but flexible.

 

We have very few rules, but they are absolutes!

 

Consistency and firm boundaries.

 

Enough room to be flexible within the boundaries. Picking my hills to die on.

 

Trying to not say "No" and set my kids up for success.

 

Teaching respect. Not just them respecting me, but by respecting my kids. I am in charge, I am the parent, but they are still people and members of the family who also deserve respect.

 

Our 5 house rules.

1. Listen to mom and dad

2. Be honest.

3. Respect everyone and everything in our home.

4. Be considerate and aware.

5. If you are in motion, you must watch where you are going.

 

It covers pretty much everything, but is also simple enough not to be overwhelming.

 

Oh, and our parenting theories come from so many sources. My mom, child development classes, being a nanny, and tons of books and prayer.

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Dustybug

Dustybug

Posted
Posted
We try to follow the 21 Rules of This House found here: http://www.fortifyingthefamily.com/21_rules.htm

But really anything you use needs to be very consistent. When we slack with the rules, things take a turn for the worse! DoorPosts also has some neat materials- we made our own version of their If...Then chart and that works well too.

 

 

I love that! Thanks for posting!

 

I've been using For Instruction in Righteousness from Doorposts and some of their wall charts (If-Then and the Blessings chart) and they are helping me to be more consistent.

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Rosie_0801

Rosie_0801

Posted
Posted

Their dad.

 

If he allows bad behaviour, which he often does from dd because he's a dreadful softie, it doesn't matter what I do.

 

If he doesn't come home, (visiting his mum or away for the weekend) they get a bit feral. Mum's just don't make good dads!

 

 

When he's home, wrestling and tickling, and insisting on appropriate standards of behaviour, everyone is happier and healthier. :)

 

Rosie

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Farrar

Farrar

Posted
Posted
Strict but flexible.

 

We have very few rules, but they are absolutes!

 

Consistency and firm boundaries.

 

Enough room to be flexible within the boundaries. Picking my hills to die on.

 

Trying to not say "No" and set my kids up for success.

 

Teaching respect. Not just them respecting me, but by respecting my kids. I am in charge, I am the parent, but they are still people and members of the family who also deserve respect.

 

 

:iagree: This is extremely similar to our house. I like the way you put it, Dolphin. :D

 

Someone I taught with years ago talked about how every household should have "non-negotiables" - boundaries that simply could not be crossed no matter what. So, for example, physical violence should be a pretty obvious non-negotiable in most households. Unfortunately, it was in response to the fact that we had an influx of students whose households seemed to have nothing that wasn't negotiable. :glare: But thinking about things in those terms has always helped clarify for me what's really important and what I can let go of, or work on more slowly, or approach in a less heavy-handed way. It helps me say no and hold firm when needed and to say yes whenever possible.

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Ecclecticmum

Ecclecticmum

Posted
Posted

Changing myself and my ideals.

 

I used to be more grumpy. More like the "parent". Always nagging, poking, yelling (to be heard over the top of them). It was a spiral of unhappiness.

 

I stayed the parent, but also became more like their friend. I cherish the mess, I "use" the mess for learning/school. Everything is made into a game. I let the little things go.

 

Before opening my mouth to say something, I remember to think if its actually worth it, whats it going to solve? I turn back to how my parents treated me, as opposed to the way I would like to be treated.

 

Yesterday my kids washed the walls and floor without a word of complaint. Actually they were extremely happy to do it. And did a brilliant job. When one of them turned it into a splash game, instead of telling them to "stop it" I just politely asked if she could be more gentle (I saw the upside of it, as long as it wasn't hitting the furniture, it was "soaking" the floor, which would made any mess easier to remove, and I was right. Instead of me having to scrub the floor fully, I basically had to "wipe" with the mop, and it was sparkling)

 

I let them get more messy. They wanted to do something, so I found the Pocket Volcano, Vinegar and Baking Soda. We started my putting that into a tub, the kids missed the volcano lots of time and emptied the entire vinegar bottle into the tub (we still got to see plenty of volcano eruptions. Instead of getting irked at the beginning, I just let them do it. Then when the tub was full of the vinegar, I poured it into a few separate bowls and put some food colouring into there, then let them shake the enture baking soda into the tub and explroe the feel, before spooning the coloured vinegar on top. Because we only had blue & green food colouring for a moment it actually looked like earth LOL, Then when they didn't do it, I told them to just upend the bowls into the tub (before me altering my attitude, this would of been the first thing they did, before making a giant mess, now they actually asked as if to confirm that this was okay!). They stirred and then spooned this mess back into the bowls.

 

Was it messy? Yes. But it was a "contained" mess. Ever since I started doing lots of "contained" messes with them, they have made less messes of their own. The more I have played with them, and allowed them to do various things (like drawing on the walls, when they weren't allowed, they created disgusting scribbles, I made a rule of they are allowed to draw with chalk on my bedroom & their bedroom headboard walls, these chalk designs easily wash off and they have created some beautiful masterpieces) the more they clean up any messes they do make, with little to no fuss. They have become more like sweet little angels.

 

Chaos mostly creates his destructional messes because he needs the sensory exploration. So I try to allow this, or give him a contained version of it, and he's much happier.

 

Understanding your kids is the key, in my world at least :grouphug:

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Sevilla

Sevilla

Posted
Posted (edited)
What is or has been your MOST EFFECTIVE parenting tool for managing behavior problems or encouraging positive behavior?

 

Is it a book or a specific author/speaker?

A parenting philosophy?

A chart or technique?

Simply being consistent with whatever you do?

 

Thanks!

My kids are still young so what I'm speaking of goes for the early childhood/early elementary years. I am by NO MEANS an expert on older children or teens ;).

 

1. Good communication - telling them what we're doing and why, telling them what behavior I expect out of hem. Ex. I was at the chiropracter today. Before going into the building I rehearsed with them proper behavior in the office (no running/no being loud/sitting where I asked them to). Both of them (even the 3 year old) followed those directions and were great. I have found that narrating what comes next AND what their part in it is helps immensely with preventing behavioral issues.

 

2. Consistency and follow-through. We do not spank or use time out. We do enforce our words with action (if we ask them to clean something up it does get cleaned up - as toddlers/younger children we help their hands). It's not just short-term but long-term consistency over months for certain issues.

 

3. Lots of bonding/affection so that they know they are loved and valued, that we have a strong connection. This starts in infancy and filling their love tanks really helps with them being willing to comply.

 

4. Understanding their personalities/needs - my DS is an introvert and needs downtime, and if I deprive him of that for too long he gets REALLY ornery. I've also taught him how to recognize when he needs some alone time and he's able to self-regulate and ask for that now. Kids need active/outside time too - if they're driving me nuts I likely need to get them outside to burn off some energy and then they listen much better.

 

ETA: 5. Practicing impulse control. This is HUGE for helping kids behave well. If they can learn patience and control their impulses they are able to follow instructions, exercise restraint in situations that call for quiet/sedate behavior and save the crazy behavior for the park and outside. I start teaching my kids how to wait before they're 2 (something simple like in cooking you have to wait until it's all done to eat it, or a treat needs to be held until we get home to eat it). Those little times of practice translate into huge gains in self-control in other areas of life.

Edited by Sevilla
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SnMomof7

SnMomof7

Posted
Posted

Self-transformation. Maybe that seems like a cop-out but *I* need to change, be reformed, and become more Christ-like. Reading my Bible regularly helps. Only then can I lead my children in the right way. And man, oh man. Do I have a lot of work to do.

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bolt.

bolt.

Posted
Posted

Personal growth, spirituality and godliness matter the most -- so whatever fosters that is a critical "resource".

 

My favorite physical resource is "Parents in Charge: Setting Healthy, Loving Boundaries for You and Your Child" Dana Chidekel

 

http://www.amazon.com/Parents-In-Charge-Setting-Boundaries/dp/0806525002/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1335493548&sr=8-1

 

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Lulamae

Lulamae

Posted
Posted

We went through a Growing Kids God's Way class at our church and it has worked wonderfully for us. Before that we did Shepherding a Child's Heart (also a class offered through our church) and it was awful (for our family).

 

You have to find what motivates the child. And, for me, 99% of child training is parent training. The more consistent I am, the better life is around our house.

 

Also, what works for us, it to work only on 1 or 2 'problems' at a time. Sometimes we have to let things go without correction, otherwise we find all we are doing is correcting and criticizing - which doesn't make for a fun day around our house! -lu

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kathy_overman

kathy_overman

Posted
Posted
Self-transformation. Maybe that seems like a cop-out but *I* need to change, be reformed, and become more Christ-like. Reading my Bible regularly helps. Only then can I lead my children in the right way. And man, oh man. Do I have a lot of work to do.

 

:iagree:

 

I wish there was a book I could read, a system to put in place, or a ideally a magic wand. Reality is, I must work on me! Change starts there.

 

Thanks for the reminder, as we have had a very tough week, and I need to work on me first, now, today!

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SewLittleTime

SewLittleTime

Posted
Posted

We really enjoyed Our 24 Family Ways for just setting some basic rules and expectations with our kids. We refer to it nearly every day.

 

With my oldest, The Heart of Anger. It has revolutionized how we interact with him. We have seen dramatic improvements in his behavior after reading that book and implementing the heart journals.

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pgr

pgr

Posted
Posted (edited)
:iagree:

 

I wish there was a book I could read, a system to put in place, or a ideally a magic wand. Reality is, I must work on me! Change starts there.

 

Thanks for the reminder, as we have had a very tough week, and I need to work on me first, now, today!

 

Exactly this.

 

I've gotten a lot of good ideas from different resources (Hold on to to your Kids, Screamfree Parenting, Raising your Spirited Child).

 

I find things go best when *I* control my own emotions, do not let them push my buttons, pick my battles, ....and other clichés :tongue_smilie:

 

Consistency also helps, though is incredibly hard to implement, especially with multiple caregivers....

 

Thank you for this thread - very timely in our case. I needed a lot of reminders I've found here.

Edited by pgr
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Bree

Bree

Posted
Posted

www.aboverubies.org

Nancy Campbell is a great author who really has encouraged me in all aspects of motherhood and is a huge supporter of homeschool moms with advice in all aspects of parenting. Her books are great, she has a free magazine she sends out and has great words of encouragement on her website and fb :)

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Mrs. A

Mrs. A

Posted
Posted

I've read and mostly liked almost all the books mentioned thus far, but I am discovering that in the end it doesn't matter which method or philosophy I choose- the key is really consitency. I can't be wishy-washy and all over the place with my expectations. I have to mean what I say and be careful not to open my mouth unless it's necessary. Also like someone else mentioned, I have to work on transforming myself into a person that my kids can emulate. For me that means working on my relationship with God.

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Clear Creek

Clear Creek

Posted
Posted

The method in this book, outlined on this website, discussed on this message board.

 

Basically it outlines how to guide and discipline your children with the grace that God showed us...the opposite of the "beat the sin out of yer child" books...since that is not how God treated us, and why would He expect us to treat our children the opposite of how He treats us?

 

It works, my children are a joy to be around (though they have their moments!), they are most generally happy to comply with my directions (and two of them are quite contrary by nature), and our home is a pleasant place to be. I am obeyed because I am loved, not because their hiney will be sore if they don't.

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MamaSheep

MamaSheep

Posted
Posted

I've picked up bits and pieces from lots of different sources and cobbled them together into something that (finally!) works. It's been a challenge, especially with ds, whose mind just does not operate the way "how to be a parent" books say children operate, and who therefore does not often respond in the generally expected manner. It has been an interesting journey. But strangely, anything that actually works with him works wonderfully well with dd, whose thoughts and behaviors are a bit more "standard". Go figure.

 

I think the most important thing has been lots and lots and lots of prayer (God knows how my child works, even if the "experts" don't)--and of course learning to "listen" for a response. And having the courage to do things "wrong" if that's what my child needs, and enduring the criticism that inevitably seems to come. (Fortunately, as the years go by more and more of the "wrong" things I've done have turned out to be the kinds of things recommended for parenting autistic children, which is very validating. Also, you can't argue with results, and ds is a really well behaved, responsible young man these days.) Also, as others have said, working on ME first. It's unreasonable to expect a child to be more calm, rational, respectful, etc. than the grown-ups around him/her can manage. My kids tend to treat others (including me) the way I treat them. If I want cheerful compliance when I ask them to do things, it helps if I've modeled it by complying cheerfully with requests they've made of me. If I want my child not to be rigid, I have to demonstrate flexibility. If I want my child to have a positive attitude, I can not be critical and complaining.

 

That said, though, a book I wish I'd had when the kids were little is "No More Meltdowns" by Roya Ostovar.

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Joyofsixreboot

Joyofsixreboot

Posted
Posted
Strict but flexible.

 

We have very few rules, but they are absolutes!

 

Consistency and firm boundaries.

 

Enough room to be flexible within the boundaries. Picking my hills to die on.

 

Trying to not say "No" and set my kids up for success.

 

Teaching respect. Not just them respecting me, but by respecting my kids. I am in charge, I am the parent, but they are still people and members of the family who also deserve respect.

 

Our 5 house rules.

1. Listen to mom and dad

2. Be honest.

3. Respect everyone and everything in our home.

4. Be considerate and aware.

5. If you are in motion, you must watch where you are going.

 

It covers pretty much everything, but is also simple enough not to be overwhelming.

 

Oh, and our parenting theories come from so many sources. My mom, child development classes, being a nanny, and tons of books and prayer.

 

Our parenting is very similar to this. I call it going with my gut. Fewer rules but the ones we have are not up for discussion.

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