Arranged Marriages

[ravinlunachick]

How do you feel about them? Do you think there is a possibility that this is better in the long run than the typical Western model of dating and so-called serial monogamy? I've often heard the statistic quoted that arranged marriages have only a 4% divorce rate, compared to around 50% for typical US marriages, but I question whether that is due to the demographics and culture of those involved in AM.

 

How do you feel about the following scenarios (presuming we are talking about consenting adults here, who retain the right to refuse the marriage, regardless)? What do you suppose the relative chances of a good match would be? By good match, I mean a marriage in which the emotional and spiritual needs of both partners are most likely to be met in a healthy way for a lifetime.

 

1) A professional matchmaker provides a selection of possibilities; the individuals choose from within that offering after meeting and interacting with the possible matches.

 

2) Family members of the bridge and groom make the match and logistical arrangements.

 

3)The bride or groom chooses whom to court, but presents the family with two or three choices, and the family chooses from those.

 

4) Vice versa of #3--the family or family leader selects a few options, and the bride and groom make their own selection.

 

5) Matches are made by a minister or spiritual leader within the community of the bride and groom.

[mommaduck]

In certain communities, this can be great. In others, it can be hell. I've seen both.

[Heather in Neverland]

Under the parameters you've given, I don't think it is a horrible idea. I think one of the most pernicious lies we have ever bought into and continue to propagate is the idea that marriage is all about "falling in love."

 

Marriage is about commitment. Love is a choice you make not a feeling you have. That is one of the biggest reasons people divorce... They are not "in love" with their spouse any more.

 

Arranged marriages are quite common even today. In fact, in a few weeks I will be attending the engagement party for a young lady here whose marriage was arranged.

 

I don't think it is such a bad thing.

[Amira]

I have lived in places where arranged marriages are fairly common and I have a number of friends whose marriages were "arranged" according one of your scenarios. I don't think lower divorce rates are necessarily an indicator of more successful marriages; it might just mean that divorce is discouraged or difficult to get. I know a huge number of couples from arranged marriages who are separated but won't consider getting a divorce in their own country or culture.

 

Another side to arranged marriage is evident where I live. It's not uncommon for young couples to elope (it's not called that, but that's basically what it is) if one set of parents or the other doesn't approve often marriage. Statistically those marriages struggle, particularly if the groom's parents disapproves. When a daughter-in-law becomes part of the groom's family, there can be good reason to get everyone's agreement. We are watching that play out now with a friend of ours.

 

What I care about most is making sure that both parties freely consent to the marriage. I think that makes a world of difference, but too often it can be hard to determine if they really do.

[littlebug42]

My grandparents were an arranged marriage. It worked for them. They were married for about 40 years before my grandfather passed away. They also had 11 children. He died before I was born so I can't speak about the total emotional fulfillment, etc. So, I think it can work, if the bride and groom are compatible and committed.

[SKL]

Let's just say my closest friend is a big proponent of arranged marriage, EVEN THOUGH she left her own arranged husband within months - because he mentally and physically abused her and broke all of his promises ("yes, you can continue your job, your sports, etc."). Her sister is still "happily married" because "all husbands abuse alcohol, sleep around, and beat their wives, so don't make a mountain out of a molehill." Her other sister is hardly ever with her husband, so I wouldn't know how that's going, but they don't seem very warm toward each other at all. A relative we visited was verbally abused in front of me because she went out to buy orange juice without her husband's permission. Lord only knows what's going on behind the scenes there. And yet, with the exception of my friend (who did get a divorce since her husband tried to break a chair over her head in front of people), these folks are in statistically "successful marriages" since they dare not divorce. I note that brides who get murdered or commit suicide are also not in the divorce statistics.

 

Personally, I have nothing against parents or others introducing folks to each other, checking out backgrounds, etc., but they need to be completely free to say yes or no, after having enough time to get to know each other.

Edited April 24, 2012 by SKL

[Kate in Arabia]

Two of my sils had arranged marriages - one is now divorced and one is still happily married. I haven't looked into statistics much, I don't know whether these statistics take into account cultural/societal pressures vis a vis marriage and divorce, etc.

[higginszoo]

If both parties buy into it completely, it can be a great thing. If one party or the other has any kind of reservations, maybe not so much. I watched a movie called Arranged on Netflix (yes, a movie, but it did seem to be pretty much based in reality) about two young ladies who were teachers in New York ... one Orthodox Jewish and one Muslim, who bonded over the fact that they were committed to this, and their fellow teachers thought that they were crazy. They were strong women, and didn't go for the first guy that their families suggested -- they definitely did have a large say in the matter, but in the end, it was the parents who presented the guys to them (well, in the Jewish girl's case, the Muslim girl found the guy and managed to get his info to the matchmaker, which was funny).

I was introduced to my dh by my mom and his dad -- wasn't really an arranged thing, but there was a certain security in knowing that this guy was the kind of guy my family wanted me with, and vice versa.

[Farrar]

I haven't looked into statistics much, I don't know whether these statistics take into account cultural/societal pressures vis a vis marriage and divorce, etc.

 

Yes. I don't think the raw stats tell the story really. Communities with arranged marriages also have different expectations and pressures. I'm not against arranged marriages at all (as long as all parties are for the arrangement) and the stats undoubtedly tell part of the story - many couples form lasting, strong bonds from arranged marriages. However, to talk about starting up arranged marriages in communities where it's not the norm because of different values is a whole other ball game.

[Paige]

I know one man, my neighbor when I was a kid, who was in an arranged marriage. They had a wonderful family and I played at their home frequently. When his first wife died in an accident, we were all surprised when he went back to India for another arranged marriage. He must have been in his 40s or 50s. I didn't know his new wife as well but everything seemed fine. They moved away a few years ago but I'm guessing he and his new wife have been together at least 20 years now. She wasn't significantly younger than him as far as I could tell. I was only 12, though, and everyone seems old when you're 12. Based on what I saw in their family, I would say that arranged marriages can work very well even for people who have been in America for years. They set a good example.

[Mimm]

I think arranged marriages CAN work if both are adults near the same age (not talking about giving a 12 year old girl to a 50 year old man... yuck!) and both agree to the arranged marriage and have a veto option and are both very committed to working through their difficulties and making it work. In the US we put a great deal of emphasis on being "in love" but what we usually mean by that is the exciting process of falling in love, and we often neglect the strong, deeper, less exciting love that develops over time.

[Aggie]

Few thoughts....

 

While we constantly jest about arranging marriages for our dc, I don't think we'd actually do it.:D We do, however, hope our dc would want to get our approval.

 

I think we, as a society, and especially in the church, have failed our children in this area. We haven't provided the tools necessary to succeed in marriage. We've lowered our expectations of how long a marriage should last; it's become a temporary status.

 

Dh and I start talking to the dc about marriage when they are about 10. We have extensive conversations with our teens about how important it is to *choose* a spouse, what to look for, what to expect. We don't take this lightly at all.

 

We'll find a pre-marital counselor and highly encourage them to take many sessions, and we'll pay for it. We'll also let them know we'll pay for counseling after they get married.

 

There is so much hype in the wedding itself, then we just kind of drop the ball and expect, or hope, that the couple will work it out.

 

Many more thoughts on this, but got to run....

[Karen in CO]

When I first started working after college, I had a friend who was in an arranged marriage. It was the cultural norm for her. Even though she and her groom had both gone to American universities and worked in America, they had both gone back to India to meet and marry. Her view was that her family was much better suited to choose a husband for her than she was. Her view of marriage was also very different. For her marriage was about family and had nothing to do with romantic love. After she married, she got to know her husband better and realized that they were great for each other. They made plans together about working, money, and children. They focused on the fact that they were building their family. It was a very different type of relationship than I'd ever seen in newlyweds.

 

My view of arranged marriages is certainly colored by my first exposure. I know that they aren't all as good as my friend's, but then again "traditional" marriages vary in their success also.

[Kathryn]

When I first started working after college, I had a friend who was in an arranged marriage. It was the cultural norm for her. Even though she and her groom had both gone to American universities and worked in America, they had both gone back to India to meet and marry. Her view was that her family was much better suited to choose a husband for her than she was. Her view of marriage was also very different. For her marriage was about family and had nothing to do with romantic love. After she married, she got to know her husband better and realized that they were great for each other. They made plans together about working, money, and children. They focused on the fact that they were building their family. It was a very different type of relationship than I'd ever seen in newlyweds.

 

My view of arranged marriages is certainly colored by my first exposure. I know that they aren't all as good as my friend's, but then again "traditional" marriages vary in their success also.

 

My mother teaches in a graduate program that has a lot of Asian students (that come from Asia for the program, not Asian-Americans). Many of them, even those who end up staying in the US, CHOOSE to go back to Asia (usually India) for an arranged marriage. She's seeing more and more that the bride and groom are both already living in the US and going home to family and matchmakers to choose a mate. Without exception, the ones she knows about have been very happy with their families' choices. Of course, they have a very different view on what a marriage looks like. But, she's certainly seen no signs of abuse on the part of either party. Honestly, I think it certainly has as much merit as our current US system of choosing mates which is often reliant on hormones and sex appeal.

[Scarlett]

1) A professional matchmaker provides a selection of possibilities; the individuals choose from within that offering after meeting and interacting with the possible matches.

 

2) Family members of the bridge and groom make the match and logistical arrangements.

 

3)The bride or groom chooses whom to court, but presents the family with two or three choices, and the family chooses from those.

 

4) Vice versa of #3--the family or family leader selects a few options, and the bride and groom make their own selection.

 

5) Matches are made by a minister or spiritual leader within the community of the bride and groom.

 

 

 

Of these choices I pick number 3....except it is possible that a family wouldn't even approve any of those choices.

 

Because we are all imperfect it is not always possible to prevent abuse of authority in a situation like this. I can easily see a money/power hungry father choose option A over option B without regard for what is really best for his daughter/son.

 

I do believe marriage should be less about emotion and more about practicality. True Love Grows from a good strong common life together. Of course there needs to be initial attraction of some sort....but that whole 'falling in love' concept is so dangerous.

 

I also believe that GOOD parents are much more equipped to select a marriage mate for their grown children than the actual children themselves. Especially if the marriage takes place before age 25. I sure wish my mom would have exercised her influence with me more on my first marriage....glad I have my ds from that marriage but clearly see I should have listened to the adults in my life back then. They saw things I couldn't see due to my lack of experience.

[Zebra]

Honestly, I think that a good dating service would be a better idea. I know several happy couples who met through services like eHarmony. I've heard of services out there for people involved in specific cultures (like Orthodox Jews). This makes sense to me.

 

I don't agree with arranged marriages, specifically when the couple isn't given a choice. But, helping 2 people find each other wouldn't be a bad thing. I see far too much room for abuse of power when someone is forced to marry someone else.

 

There are also far too many cases of even a truly loving parent not knowing who is best for their grown child.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I can't imagine being expected to consummate a marriage to someone I'm not in love with or attracted to.

[Scarlett]

I can't imagine being expected to consummate a marriage to someone I'm not in love with or attracted to.

 

Oh, I think there needs to be initial attraction.

 

Love is weird word. Real love comes with time. Not hormones.

[Stacy in NJ]

I can't imagine being expected to consummate a marriage to someone I'm not in love with or attracted to.

 

I'd rather remain single and childless than marry someone I wasn't physically and emotionally attracted to.

[Whereneverever]

I know an increasing number of people who have either their parents or someone trusted at church pick or approve their spouse.

 

http://www.worldvieweverlasting.com/2011/03/25/not-until-i-say-i-do/

 

This video makes the rounds on the why side.

[AHASRADA]

In my extended family, spouse-selection looks most like #4. The person looking for a spouse announces the fact to family and friends, hoping someone will come up with an appropriate suggestion. It is very common for the mother, aunt or much older sister to be in charge of approving these suggestions and narrowing them down to those worth meeting.

 

The prospective spouses then meet a few times, always chaperoned. One or both parties may decide they aren't interested and cancel any future meetings. This process is repeated until a match is found that is pleasing to both of them.

 

Once the couple agrees that they wish to marry each other, the groom and his family are invited to the bride's family home to ask for her hand. They will continue to get to know each other through phone conversations and going out in public, but always in a group or with a chaperone at a distance.

 

So, the families play match-maker and help guide their son or daughter toward a mate they feel is a good match, but the final decision lies with the prospective spouses.

 

I intend and hope for my children to choose a spouse in a similar fashion. I chose my dh because he had gorgeous hair, liked his cologne and he spoke French :tongue_smilie:. I am so blessed that he turned out to be a wonderful man with a strong character, but really it could have gone either way. I want my dc to choose their spouse based on the guidance of people with a clear head, who know them well and who have their best interests at heart. Hormones are not usually a great guiding force. ;)

[LibraryLover]

How'd that all work out for Queen Victoria and her brood? :D

[Scarlett]

How'd that all work out for Queen Victoria and her brood? :D

 

You gotta look at motive.

 

Usually parents and extended family/friends have good motives/intentions for young ones of marrying age.

[Scarlett]

I intend and hope for my children to choose a spouse in a similar fashion. I chose my dh because he had gorgeous hair, liked his cologne and he spoke French :tongue_smilie:. I am so blessed that he turned out to be a wonderful man with a strong character, but really it could have gone either way. I want my dc to choose their spouse based on the guidance of people with a clear head, who know them well and who have their best interests at heart. Hormones are not usually a great guiding force. ;)

 

That is cute. And you are right, when we chose based on physical/hormones only there is much less chance of it being a good decision.

[LibraryLover]

You gotta look at motive.

 

Usually parents and extended family/friends have good motives/intentions for young ones of marrying age.

 

 

:) I was mostly kidding with that. One of my most favorite arranged marraiges was Olga's, Czar Nicholas' sister, to Prince Peter, who was gay. The Prince was sensitive enough to hire her lover to work in the palace so they could be near each other, and he could carry on with his own love life.

 

I think the best way to meet folks is through others. Some of the best marraiges I know were 'arranged', although not in a formal sense. More of , "I know somebody who would be perfect for you. Let me set you up!"

Edited April 24, 2012 by LibraryLover

[Scarlett]

he Queen did try.

 

I think the best way to meet folks is through others. Some of the best marraiges I know were 'arranged', although not in a formal sense. More of , "I know somebody who would be perfect for you. Let me set you up!"

 

Exactly. And this is how I met dh. Not a formal 'arranged' marriage by any means, but I would have never met him if not for our mutual friends who know us both very well. And they explained to us how they had given it some thought...not just a 'hey we know two single people! Let's introduce them!'...but there was thoughtfulness in that decision to suggest we meet.

[LostSurprise]

Arranged marriages stay together usually because they come from cultures that value commitment. Sometimes that's horrible and sometimes that's a support to struggling couples.

 

I don't have a single opinion about arranged marriages because people are very different and what makes them happy/satisfied is different.

 

Let me just say...in a perfect world where you parents and community are looking out for your best interests, and you trust them, an arranged marriage takes off a lot of the pressure off of finding a mate. Everyone has your back.

 

In a messed up world, it can become an unhealthy focus on needing to be with another person, a battle of wills and priorities, and a way to shoehorn someone into an abusive marriage.

 

Anyone see the beautiful indie film Arranged? I really loved that film, and I thought it offered some of the complexities of modern arranged marriage.

[stripe]

I can't imagine being expected to consummate a marriage to someone I'm not in love with or attracted to.

 

In some cases what is called an arranged marriage is two total strangers get married because their families think they'll get along. Their married life will consist of spending almost no time together. They may be nice to each other, or they may not. Some people may be happy with this. Others may not.

 

In other cases it's more like a blind date. Your friend/cousin/mom/dad/religious leader finds someone responsible and seemingly compatible, you get to know each other to a varying degree, and you are attracted to varying degrees by the time you get married.

 

I also think there is an elephant in the room when talking about finding one's own match, and that is, unsavory individuals (oftentimes men) who deceive women with their charms and eventually cause a large amount of chaos and destruction. To me, the best part of "arranged marriages" is that it provides an opportunity to objectively assess someone, instead of providing an opportunity for handsome sociopaths to mislead more innocent young women. I have seen such things over and over again, be they abusive men, lazy men, or whathaveyou, and sometimes, a loving parent or other person, who is often older than the involved parties and often less emotionally invested, has the opportunity to see through the lies. In other cases, there's deceit all around or the matchmakers have their own deceitful agenda.

 

Can you tell I spent the weekend listening to a really smart woman tell me her really scary story about the really weird man she ran off with??

 

But I do think there are very very different ideas of marriage, and those seeking a best friend want something different than those seeking a reliable spouse who mostly orbits in a different sphere. This makes a difference.

 

I am not in the business, though, of making sweeping statements like "Arranged marriages are so much better than love marriages!" or "Arranged marriages are creepy!" because I think it's more complex than that.

 

Marriage is, really, kind of scary.

[LibraryLover]

I am feeling very royal this morning. ;) The whole Charles and Diana thing...rather a disaster, marraige-wise, and that was arranged-- but dang their boys are pretty. I'm glad the Queen let William choose Kate. Charles gets Camilla, and the Queen gets to bypass Charles with the crown. In the end, it should work pretty well.

[G5052]

Their match is very happy, and they have weathered a lot of difficulties and have kept on. In their culture a dowery is the norm, and both of their families refused that, saying that the match had to be based on character and preferences. The wife didn't think she'd ever get married because of that choice, but obviously she did! Their wedding was tasteful and neither side made big demands of the other. The bottom line is that both families were looking for someone of good character and solid potential, and in that situation, it can work.

 

They've told us though of families whose demands were off-the wall and dangerous. One family friend of the husband required a a promise of a dowery of $100,000 before he'd even consider someone for his children. Another wouldn't consider anyone for their children under a certain height or over a certain weight.

 

I married late, and I won't even start on the number of men friends and family tried to match me with. None came even close to DH, and I'm quite glad that I picked my own!

[Scarlett]

I am feeling very royal this morning. ;) The whole Charles and Diana thing...rather a disaster, marraige-wise, and that was arranged-- but dang their boys are pretty. I'm glad the Queen let William choose Kate. Charles gets Camilla, and the Queen gets to bypass Charles with the crown. In the end, it should work pretty well.

 

Charles gets Camilla.....that is rich huh?

 

Charles doesn't get the crown? I hear that and then hear it is wrong and then hear it again.....who gets to decide that? And when? Is it already decided and we just aren't being told?

[Mom-ninja.]

I keep telling my boys that I'm picking their wives. :D

 

 

I know several people IRL whose marriages were arranged. They were all very happy with their spouses, and said they were glad they let their parents pick the spouse.

 

They were all Indian and highly educated so I guess that plays a role. All of them had the option of refusal.

 

For the record my in-laws would NEVER had chosen me for their son. I am so not what they had in mind as a daughter in-law. My dh grew up to have opposite views about many issues from his family.

[Scarlett]

I am feeling very royal this morning. ;) The whole Charles and Diana thing...rather a disaster, marraige-wise, and that was arranged-- but dang their boys are pretty. I'm glad the Queen let William choose Kate. Charles gets Camilla, and the Queen gets to bypass Charles with the crown. In the end, it should work pretty well.

 

That is the whole thing I could never figure out about that family...why Charles wasn't allowed or didn't insist on marrying Camilla in the first place. I think it comes down to his basic selfishness (he wanted it all) and spinelessness (couldn't say no to his mum?) He might be a Prince, but his actions are the most basic common to all mankind....

[LibraryLover]

Charles gets Camilla.....that is rich huh?

 

Charles doesn't get the crown? I hear that and then hear it is wrong and then hear it again.....who gets to decide that? And when? Is it already decided and we just aren't being told?

 

 

Well, when I last spoke with the Queen, she did allude to the fact that Camilla was going to get to be the wife of the King of England in the same way Wallis Simpsom wasn't.

 

;)

Edited April 24, 2012 by LibraryLover

[Starr]

That is the whole thing I could never figure out about that family...why Charles wasn't allowed or didn't insist on marrying Camilla in the first place. I think it comes down to his basic selfishness (he wanted it all) and spinelessness (couldn't say no to his mum?) He might be a Prince, but his actions are the most basic common to all mankind....

 

Wasn't she already married?

[LibraryLover]

Wasn't she already married?

 

 

It was that she was divorced. Remember Wallis Simpson? The problem wasn't even that she was American. King Edward (David) abdicated because 1. He was a coward (and said by some to have been a Nazi sympathizer) . 2. He loved Wallis, and he couldn't be King of the Church of England with a divorced wife. And yes, Simpson was married at the time she starting see the Prince, but she had already been divorced from her first husband.

 

In the end, David and Wallis had a very long marraige. They were married during WWII, and were together until their deaths in the 1970's.

Edited April 24, 2012 by LibraryLover

[Scarlett]

Wasn't she already married?

 

My knowledge of that family is very limited, but I understood that she did marry Andrew Parker AFTER it was clear she would not be accepted into the Royal family.

[LibraryLover]

My knowledge of that family is very limited, but I understood that she did marry Andrew Parker AFTER it was clear she would not be accepted into the Royal family.

 

 

Ah, I think you are right. Charles was a playboy, and she had a 'history'. I'm sure the Queen regrets the aftermath, but she came from a different time. Honor/honour, duty, virginity, and all that.

Edited April 24, 2012 by LibraryLover

[lcelmer]

Let's just say my closest friend is a big proponent of arranged marriage, EVEN THOUGH she left her own arranged husband within months - because he mentally and physically abused her and broke all of his promises ("yes, you can continue your job, your sports, etc."). Her sister is still "happily married" because "all husbands abuse alcohol, sleep around, and beat their wives, so don't make a mountain out of a molehill." Her other sister is hardly ever with her husband, so I wouldn't know how that's going, but they don't seem very warm toward each other at all. A relative we visited was verbally abused in front of me because she went out to buy orange juice without her husband's permission. Lord only knows what's going on behind the scenes there. And yet, with the exception of my friend (who did get a divorce since her husband tried to break a chair over her head in front of people), these folks are in statistically "successful marriages" since they dare not divorce. I note that brides who get murdered or commit suicide are also not in the divorce statistics.

r.

 

Horrible... and sad. But this happens in "marry who you love" situations too. Either way of choosing a mate can work, and I wouldn't necessarily be against arranged, if the parties involved were agreeable to it.

 

For either type of marriage, I would be most comfortable with a good support system, with procedures in place for the worst of all situations if they happen. Family, friends, and for a Christian, their church should be willing to intervene, and use church discipline, as well as involve the police if needed, for big abuses and also for "little" sins that are habitual. (porn, insulting speech, addictions, slander, etc)

 

You have to be able to go into the marriage with an attitude of "I will do this well, with God's help."

[Night Elf]

The only arranged marriage I know personally was a man that worked with my DH. He was from India. His parents called and told him they found him a wife and he went home and got married. He brought her here. After a couple of years, she filed for divorce because she was 'Americanized' (for lack of a better word) and knew she didn't have to stay with him. He did marry another Indian woman, but she already lived here. My DH thinks they did go back and get their family's approval though.

 

I'm not opposed to guidance to help someone find a spouse, but I don't like the word 'arranged'. I don't like the idea of someone marrying just because someone else deems the match appropriate. It would be so sad for someone to feel unsatisfied with such a huge part of their lives. Abuse is simply another story. I hurt for people who feel stuck in that type of relationship.

[Jennifer3141]

I'm not opposed to guidance to help someone find a spouse, but I don't like the word 'arranged'. I don't like the idea of someone marrying just because someone else deems the match appropriate. It would be so sad for someone to feel unsatisfied with such a huge part of their lives. Abuse is simply another story. I hurt for people who feel stuck in that type of relationship.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

I also don't think you can "choose" to love most people. I couldn't be married to a LOT of people out there and stay sane or not start cooking with ground glass. :D

Choosing to love makes it sound like you could slip ANY man into my marriage and if I work hard enough, it will work. Ack! No! I need to be married to my DH.

 

I think marrying someone is/should be the most grown up thing we ever do as people. Ceding that power to other people seems like a silly idea to me.

 

I love my family but there is no way in heck I would have wanted them deciding who I should marry. They would have wanted someone with no boundaries!! :glare:

[SKL]

Every time someone tries to "set me up" it's with a wuss! FAIL! I think I'll leave it at that.

 

I never did get married. Maybe someday. Life can be good without a mate; probably better than what I've seen some of my married friends go through.

[lcelmer]

It would be so sad for someone to feel unsatisfied with such a huge part of their lives.

 

I agree, but it seems to me that both ways of finding mates have the same risk. Even if you date for a while and all is well, with stars in your eyes, you may end us deeply regretting the choice you make.

 

To me, faithfulness and a deep commitment to doing the right thing by your spouse is more important than how you ended up with who you marry.

[lcelmer]

In some cases what is called an arranged marriage is two total strangers get married because their families think they'll get along. Their married life will consist of spending almost no time together. They may be nice to each other, or they may not. Some people may be happy with this. Others may not.

 

In other cases it's more like a blind date. Your friend/cousin/mom/dad/religious leader finds someone responsible and seemingly compatible, you get to know each other to a varying degree, and you are attracted to varying degrees by the time you get married.

 

I also think there is an elephant in the room when talking about finding one's own match, and that is, unsavory individuals (oftentimes men) who deceive women with their charms and eventually cause a large amount of chaos and destruction. To me, the best part of "arranged marriages" is that it provides an opportunity to objectively assess someone, instead of providing an opportunity for handsome sociopaths to mislead more innocent young women. I have seen such things over and over again, be they abusive men, lazy men, or whathaveyou, and sometimes, a loving parent or other person, who is often older than the involved parties and often less emotionally invested, has the opportunity to see through the lies. In other cases, there's deceit all around or the matchmakers have their own deceitful agenda.

 

Can you tell I spent the weekend listening to a really smart woman tell me her really scary story about the really weird man she ran off with??

 

But I do think there are very very different ideas of marriage, and those seeking a best friend want something different than those seeking a reliable spouse who mostly orbits in a different sphere. This makes a difference.

 

I am not in the business, though, of making sweeping statements like "Arranged marriages are so much better than love marriages!" or "Arranged marriages are creepy!" because I think it's more complex than that.

 

Marriage is, really, kind of scary.

 

 

:iagree: Well put!

[Free]

I am Indian. I chose my DH. I was young, but I was pretty adamant that I would never settle for an arranged marriage. My parents are traditional and the task of announcing to them my decision to marry someone I had chosen was not pleasant to put it mildly, but all their objections dissolved once they actually met him and his family.

 

As in any other kind of marriage it is possible to find a wide range of arranged marriages - some wonderful and filled with love and friendship, some abusive and some just plain mediocre.

 

But even though arranged marriages are no different in terms of the quality of relationship, I am still opposed in principle to the idea. Under the Indian Arranged Marriage lies a whole sub-culture based on "Traditional values" which is just an euphemism for "Patriarchal values". Some of these include:

- the expectation that young people will remain tied to the apron strings of their parents and will defer to them decisions not only regarding marriage but also home making and child rearing.

- the stress on virginity especially for women.

- the custom of obscene dowries to be paid by the bride's family to the groom and the resulting horrific crimes against women (just google "dowry death" or "bride burning")

- the perception of the girl child as a "burden" and the resulting sex selection practices which have skewed male-female ratio in India.

- the perpetuation of the caste system and the resulting "Honour Killings" should some couple choose to marry beyond caste boundaries.

 

I could go on and on......

 

In short through all my rambling the point I am trying to make is, do arranged marriages work? Yes sure.

Will the practice of arranging marriages result in better marriages? No.

Are arranged marriages better for a society as a whole? IMO, absolutely not. Infact, the practice may actually result a return to patriarchy.

[kewb]

My great grandmother's first marriage was arranged. She cried rape on her wedding night and went home to her father. He agreed she did not have to return. I am not sure if her second marriage was arranged or not but she stayed in that one. So, I don't think it worked out so great for her.

 

That said, I think if both parties are committed to the idea it can work. I think a professional matchmaker can be a big help in that. Really, isn't that what eharmony and match.com are? Modern day matchmakers?

[*********]

I don't know anything about arranged marriages. But I *do* know that I hope my boys involve dh and I when they decide to get married. I would want to know the young lady, her family, etc. I would hope they'd want our advice on picking a godly wife, and not just worry about their hormones and attractions. That's what I pray for, at least.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I also think there is an elephant in the room when talking about finding one's own match, and that is, unsavory individuals (oftentimes men) who deceive women with their charms and eventually cause a large amount of chaos and destruction. To me, the best part of "arranged marriages" is that it provides an opportunity to objectively assess someone, instead of providing an opportunity for handsome sociopaths to mislead more innocent young women.

 

I think knowing a potential spouse for a few years can reveal a lot of the deceit. I personally believe it is harder to fool people for two years than six months.

 

At our former church, everyone was so obsessed with courtship as a way to eliminate fornication that the dads wanted short courtships. My DH and I were concerned that they'd end up pushing their daughters into marrying men they weren't good matches for (or abusive men) because they didn't have enough time together. One dad gave the young man askingnto court his daughter two months to either propose or break up. It wasn't like they'd grown up together and knew each other very well.