Lessons, chores and dinner done by 6 pm?

[Colleen in NS]

Both. He is a neat and tidy person. He is tired of the "lived in" look. He wants this work done. He wants it done on the schedule, so we don't "get behind". You know, do a little bit all the time. Don't let the house get outta hand. If the house is tidy, our homeschool does function better. Thus, our "school" day will end on time too.

 

He doesn't want any of us doing any work in the evenings. He thinks if we have a good daily schedule of lessons and chores before ANYTHING else, our evenings will be just for us.

 

He wants a neat house and he wants it done by 6pm.

 

What do you want? What do you really value, and how does that figure into things? If you had to choose between taking the trash out every day (really? every day?) and not rushing the kids through their schoolwork, which would you choose and why? If you had to choose between sweeping the floors every day (again, why every day?) and getting a nice supper ready by 6 p.m., which would you choose and why? Will he listen to anything that YOU want?

[NotSoObvious]

He thinks if we have a good daily schedule of lessons and chores before ANYTHING else, our evenings will be just for us.

 

I've read most of the responses and, while I understand where your husband is coming from (who doesn't want all that done by dinner???), I have a hard time relating because of the above statement. For us, the scheduled part of homeschooling is actually a very small part of our day. The real magic is what happens when we are free to explore deeper, change plans at the last minute, and throw in the towel and go climb trees for the afternoon. Dinner plans change, we decide to eat out, etc. and that's just part of life. I think that if that is his expectation, he should provide you with a weekly housekeeper so that you aren't spending a huge amount of time doing deep cleaning. We don't do anything after dinner, so it's family time, but we certainly don't always have a spotless house before dinner. If having all of those things done when he walks in the door makes HIM feel better, which is very valid, he should be part of the problem solving (i.e. maid) to get it done. Or, suggest that the kids go back to school so you have 7 hours to cook and clean like the other moms. :)

[Colleen in NS]

Just read back through your posts here. It might be helpful to us, too, if you told us your daily/weekly schedule, including schooling, chores, and what things your kids do for school. I wonder if there are school or chore things that we could suggest changes for, so that you are not running ragged all day long, too, and could feel "accomplished" by 6 p.m..

[Puma Mom]

I'm sure mine would like all that too, if he thought he could get away with verbalizing it! :D In reality, I think your dh needs to let you know what his priorities are. Does he really want the family time and could he give up having everything clean? Does he really want it clean and could he chip in for 30 min after dinner helping? Does he want to read to the kids while you clean up the kitchen? I don't think it's realistic or fair for him to dictate a hectic day for you so that he can have a relaxing evening. I don't think he'd enjoy being micromanaged that way either.

[Trilliums]

Both. He is a neat and tidy person. He is tired of the "lived in" look. He wants this work done. He wants it done on the schedule, so we don't "get behind". You know, do a little bit all the time. Don't let the house get outta hand. If the house is tidy, our homeschool does function better. Thus, our "school" day will end on time too.

 

He doesn't want any of us doing any work in the evenings. He thinks if we have a good daily schedule of lessons and chores before ANYTHING else, our evenings will be just for us.

 

He wants a neat house and he wants it done by 6pm.

 

By *us* does that me you and him or you him and the kids?

 

How do you feel about the state of the house? Do you also think it should be tidied up more? Maybe it is a situation where things have kind of piled up (nonchalantly looks around the house) and a big spring cleaning is in order. DO you want to strive for this? We have a very relaxed household, but there are certain things I do try to do for the sake of DH. Plus, around here, DH works late most nights, so for him to expect ME t be 'done' by 6pm would be slightly hypocritical.

 

Maybe he is having some frustrations about some other issues....I don't know, his general expectations seem to be forgetting about the kids somehow.

 

My kids often extend school work into the evening, especially the older one. He just has so much to do now; it is hard to fit into the entire day. Also, we have evening activities 3 nights a week. Hm, hard for me to imagine being 'done' by 6!

[staceyobu]

I'm trying to imagine my husband actually having the ***** to ask/tell me this.

 

I was thinking the same thing. I almost called DH on our way to swim team to tell him to watch for toys when he walked in so he wouldn't break his neck. At 6:00, I'll be drying kids off at the pool. I can't imagine making a kid miss judo just to stay on schedule with sweeping. :confused:

[KungFuPanda]

Both. He is a neat and tidy person. He is tired of the "lived in" look. He wants this work done. He wants it done on the schedule, so we don't "get behind". You know, do a little bit all the time. Don't let the house get outta hand. If the house is tidy, our homeschool does function better. Thus, our "school" day will end on time too.

 

He doesn't want any of us doing any work in the evenings. He thinks if we have a good daily schedule of lessons and chores before ANYTHING else, our evenings will be just for us.

 

He wants a neat house and he wants it done by 6pm.

 

Yeah, that's one of the things you consider BEFORE having children. They can make it downright impossible for you to get what you want all the time. I'm sure he'd agree that a houseful of awesome kids is EVEN BETTER than a home that's perfectly clean and organized. He'll be happier when he either gives up on the dream or hires help.

 

You don't sound like you have your feet up goofing off all day. You're putting in an honest day's work and nobody should criticize you for that.

[Zoo Keeper]

Then maybe you both need to adjust your expectations. If you want to be done by 6, then be done by six. Whatever isn't finished can wait until tomorrow. He his able to leave his work for another day when he leaves the office, so you both need to cut you some slack. No more playing catch up. No more complaing. Everyone wins.

 

One day you will have an empty house and no more chores to fill your time. This is the time for growing your children. You can have the clean house and all the quiet time you want in the next chapter.

 

:001_smile::001_smile::001_smile: This is good advice.

[Elinor Everywhere]

It's not that everything is always done by 6 pm, it's that I mostly stop working around that time. :D

 

:lol::lol::lol: Yes, that's me, too. Except, when my dh is in town, I'm done by 5 because he does the cooking. When he's out of town (which is a lot), I crock pot cook so I don't have to think about cooking when I'm tired at the end of the day. My kids do the dishes, so I usually really am done between 5 & 6. That's not to say everything is done.....just me. :D

[Paige]

A schedule is like a budget, you should try it out for a while and then change what doesn't work. It is obvious because of the way you are feeling, that this schedule does not work for you. You've tried it, and now it's time to change the schedule. Take some things out, rearrange some things, etc. Sometimes there are some things I'd really like to put in my budget and are really valuable and worthwhile, but we just don't have the money. It should be the same thing with what you have scheduled every day.

 

How does your DH know he could do it? Has he tried? Maybe you could take a day off during the week and let him show you how it's done on the weekend. I'm not being sarcastic- maybe he really has some things he does that you could use.

 

We are not done with everything by 6. It's impossible here. We have activities in the evenings, therapies during the mornings, school in the middle, and chores whenever I think about it. When I had only 1 child to homeschool and he was younger, then we were done by 3. It was simple. I don't think it is just your kids' ages that matter, but also their curricula and their personalities and gifts.

 

One more thing your Dh should understand, is that mentally, he's getting a lot more down time than you during the day. He's got 4 hours during the day where he can sit, not talk to anyone, and listen to whatever he wants on the radio. Sure, the commute may stink, but in many ways, it is time he's not "on." While he's at work, he can also probably go to the bathroom in peace without anyone nagging at him, his co-workers probably don't argue with him, cry, or sass him. It's a whole different environment than being home doing school with kids all day.

Edited March 28, 2012 by Paige

[Jean in Newcastle]

I get done with my day by 6 pm. If this is what you want too, I would work backwards in making a schedule. In order to have dinner done by 6 pm, when do you have to start making it? For me, that would be 5 pm. And how long does it take for you to do final chores with the kids helping? For me, that would be 1 hour or maybe an hour and a half to allow for things that come up. So chores would have to be started by 3:30 or perhaps 4 pm. So school needs to be done by 3:30 at the latest. If school isn't done by then, perhaps that part of school can be looped to the next day. Or as your dh suggested, if the unfinished part is reading, the kids could do it independently in the evening.

 

(That being said, my house isn't spotless.)

[bolt.]

I guess it depends on *what* chores are involved in your / his goal.

 

If it's running a load through the washer and drier, running and emptying the diswasher, and sweeping the floor once... I pretty much do that on a daily basis by 8:00am. I also wipe down the table and counters after breakfast, and I wipe the functional parts of the bathroom with a already-used-on-a-face face cloth.

 

Getting those things done forms a backbone of my chores not getting out of hand and overwhelming me. They take no more than 20 minutes. Of course, by 6pm the house certainly looks lived in. It's not that I live up to a standard (much less someone else's standard) I just like to get work out of the way early in the day. I just get more and more tired as the day goes on.

 

By 6pm I do dinner, which involves wiping down table and counters again while I wait on the things that are cooking (so there are clean spaces to cook and eat). After supper I make a tidy dish stack of anything that there isn't room for in the dishwasher, put anything perishable in the fridge and leave the rest. I was pots and pans on Thursdays only -- while watching TV. I rarely do anything else after supper.

 

There's nothing spotless about my house. These are just the ways I manage to preserve my sainity. It fosters my sense that household tasks are tidy little bite-sized chunks of being pleased with myself.

[Kathleen in VA]

Maybe I missed it - I did read through quickly - but did you say what curriculum you are using and what school looks like yet? I mean, what school are you requiring of your children each day? That is a key factor that I don't think has been discussed in this thread yet.

 

Depending on what your school looks like, I think you could possibly do this. And, fwiw, if I spent four hours on the road every day I know for certain I would not want to do anything but fall into a chair and relax the rest of the day. As moms, homeschooling or whatever, we do have the option of sitting down once in a while and getting a breather. That's not always the case for our husbands. I know it's not for mine.

[brehon]

DH would like for all lessons, chores (floors swept, laundry rebooted, dw empty) and dinner ready by 6 pm. I'm not getting it all done. Are you guys able to do this?

 

J

 

 

What is he willing to pick up to help you achieve this? Not realistic, IME.

[BlsdMama]

DH would like for all lessons, chores (floors swept, laundry rebooted, dw empty) and dinner ready by 6 pm. I'm not getting it all done. Are you guys able to do this?

 

J

 

I sweep the floors at least once a day, vacuum at least once, do a minimum of 3 loads of laundry, and empty the dishwasher twice.

 

Does it count? Not really. Because nothing is ever DONE. It's just the circle of continuous work.:glare:

 

I think it's realistic for him to come home to chores having been done (The children DO pitch in, right?) I think it's realistic for him to come home to the children having been educated that day. I even think it's realistic for him to come home to some type of dinner prepared or in the process of being prepared.

 

I don't think it's feasible that at six o'clock every night, everyone in the family puts their feet up and relaxes, lol, but it's a great plan.

 

I admit this much: Once DH comes home and dinner is prepared then I am DONE. Done. I do not do dishes. I do not switch another load of laundry. If you have questions about schoolwork it can wait until tomorrow AM. I'll be here. As a matter of fact, I'll be available all day long from about 5:30AM. Do not invade my evening. My guess is that he wants to be "off" as well. Can't say that I blame him, lol.

[MomatHWTK]

Honestly, if I treated the situation as if it were a high pressure full time job, I could probably get it done. But, then I'd be just as miserable as I was when I had a high pressure full time job. :001_huh:

 

If I had to accomplish all that stuff. I'd get up and start the day with a hefty dose of coffee (which I do anyway) and immediately throw in a load of laundry. Kids would be collecting laundry nightly and unloading the dishwasher in the a.m. We'd do a.m. devotionals then a clean sweep of every room's surfaces.

 

During school, I'd be processing laundry and folding clothes. Meals would be a LOT of crock pot or slow cook in the oven affairs, any component like a meat that could be cooked in advance and frozen for future use would be. Ok, I do that anyway.

 

School would be a set amount of time with a set stopping time and what didn't get done would have to be passed on to the next day.

 

My preference is to have a leisurely morning breakfast to mentally prepare myself to teach, then to focus only on teaching while we are having school time. Then, the kids do their part of the dishes and I do mine and we get dinner ready (or not, DH works odd hours). Laundry usually gets done once during the week and on weekends unless there's a major pile up. Surfaces- haven't seen them in YEARS. ;)

 

I do think you can do it, but you will have to run the house like an office. Which may be the mindset your DH is in as he knows that in the workplace things have to get done or else. KWIM?

Edited March 28, 2012 by MomatHWTK

[Ecclecticmum]

Lessons Done - Yep, we don't continue once DH is home, whether we have finished a full day or not

 

Chore Done - Not at the present, but hopefully in a few weeks we'll be in this situation. But there will still be chores the kids and I do just before dinner

 

Dinner ready for him - NOPE, not a chance. :lol: He does the dinner. *big giant shocked face*. We made a deal quite a while ago. I am HAPPY to cook dinner and have it ready for him, only thing I ask in return is either of the following a) he has a set time that he will be home each day or b) he can advise me in the morning/lunch of the time he will be home. In the 3 years since we made this deal, he has consistently done neither. Whenever he whinges about it, I just bring up the deal, and he goes quiet. Unfortunately, yes, I'm mean, but considering I put a LOT of effort into making dinner, there is no point is making it because it gets burnt because he shows up an hour or two after dinner would of been ready, with no phone calls, emails, nada. I spend most evenings paranoid hes gotten fired, had a car accident or anything, because his home times are sporadic and he doesn't have the decency to let me know. I believe one time I had worked myself up into such a state by the time he got home, thinking that he was dead. So yes, when he learns the decency of telling his wife when he'll be home, I'll give him the decency of cooking a 3 course meal. :tongue_smilie: It all started a while ago, when he ended up in hospital for an on the job related injury, I wasn't advised he was in the hospital until he actually was ready to be discharged from the hospital in the evening. No-one bothered to call me.

[KirstenH]

Both. He is a neat and tidy person.

 

No, he isn't. Neat and tidy people clean and pick up. They don't watch TV while demanding other people do it.

 

Sorry, that was harsh ... but my husband has a 1.5-hour-each-way commute, gets up at 3AM every day, is going to grad school in the evenings and STILL manages to do a lot of the cleaning around here. Making our house a home is a team effort.

[Element]

I find a regular tea time distracts a husband from the state of the house and requires a lot less effort on my part that flawless housekeeping.

 

:iagree::D Exactly.

[QueenCat]

I can't imagine making a kid miss judo just to stay on schedule with sweeping. :confused:

 

Me either.

[QueenCat]

My house is sanitary but it is not spic-n-span clean. It's not embarrassing if someone stops by. Homeschooling, activities and family time are more important to us than a perfect house. Plus my dh helps out until what needs to be done for the day is done. And then we both hit the couch, together. Unless truly ill, he would NEVER watch me/kids run around cleaning, etc while he sat on the couch doing nothing. And yes, he too has spent a long day at work.

 

I think you and your dh have unrealistic expectations. I don't think your dh realizes that homeschooling is a FULL TIME job. In your shoes, with the cleanliness expectations, I'd get a maid to come in once a week.

[lakotajm]

In my house, when people make requests like that, they'd better be prepared to help make it happen.

That was exactly what I was hoping to hear from someone.

[MusicMama]

He needs to help out when he gets home, or you all have to decide to leave things the way they are once supper is over and not do any more work.

This is our solution! Some things you just have to let go. I followed a very strict cleaning schedule for a while, and then decided I was no longer a nice person to be around. My whole life revolved around the next item on my cleaning list. My house is now messier, andbI am a happier person. Yes, I still hate clutter, but I am no longer chained to it. Get rid of any excess, and relax the standards for now.

 

:grouphug:

Edited March 28, 2012 by MusicMama

[lakotajm]

Lessons Done - Yep, we don't continue once DH is home, whether we have finished a full day or not

 

Chore Done - Not at the present, but hopefully in a few weeks we'll be in this situation. But there will still be chores the kids and I do just before dinner

 

Dinner ready for him - NOPE, not a chance. :lol: He does the dinner. *big giant shocked face*. We made a deal quite a while ago. I am HAPPY to cook dinner and have it ready for him, only thing I ask in return is either of the following a) he has a set time that he will be home each day or b) he can advise me in the morning/lunch of the time he will be home. In the 3 years since we made this deal, he has consistently done neither. Whenever he whinges about it, I just bring up the deal, and he goes quiet. Unfortunately, yes, I'm mean, but considering I put a LOT of effort into making dinner, there is no point is making it because it gets burnt because he shows up an hour or two after dinner would of been ready, with no phone calls, emails, nada. I spend most evenings paranoid hes gotten fired, had a car accident or anything, because his home times are sporadic and he doesn't have the decency to let me know. I believe one time I had worked myself up into such a state by the time he got home, thinking that he was dead. So yes, when he learns the decency of telling his wife when he'll be home, I'll give him the decency of cooking a 3 course meal. :tongue_smilie: It all started a while ago, when he ended up in hospital for an on the job related injury, I wasn't advised he was in the hospital until he actually was ready to be discharged from the hospital in the evening. No-one bothered to call me.

This was me early in our marriage since dh logs;has a sawmill. I was terrified every time it got dark and he hadn't walked in the door. That is simply inconsiderate behavior.

[Joker]

I have school and dinner done by 6pm, but the house is not cleaned. Dh does the dishes everyday after dinner. I try to keep things looking picked up during the week, stay on top of laundry (which in our house of four means 2-3 times a week), and the floors are vacuumed/swept. If there is any deep cleaning that needs to be done, we all do that on the weekends. Dh has never just sat on the couch while I, or anyone else, clean.

[Haiku]

DH wants calm relaxed evenings with nothing to do. He and I would like to retire to the bedroom at 9. It hasn't been happening because we aren't getting up early enough and getting every thing done.

 

If dh wants this, perhaps he shouldn't have had three kids. ;)

 

If one thing goes wrong, the whole day is thrown off.

 

Then this is not a reasonable schedule.

 

I think we can be done by 6 today, but our day wasn't enjoyable at all. I feel like crying. I nagged all day. Bleh!

 

Perhaps you need to (not so gently) clue your husband in to the idea that in order for him to get his "calm, relaxed" evenings with "nothing to do," you and the kids have to have stressed, unhappy day.

 

Frankly, I think it is unreasonable for a man to go trotting off to work every lay (la la la) and expect to come home to "nothing to do." It's his house, family, laundry, and dinner every bit as much as it is yours. He can't reasonably expect you to do all the educating AND all the cleaning AND all the cooking AND everything else that needs to be done to keep the household running. His responsibilities don't end with bringing home a paycheck.

 

ETA: Dh and I jokingly have the "twerp award" that we occasionally bestow on one another when one of us has been unusually thoughtless or stupid. For example, he once got it for complaining that it was too much effort to take the two little kids (who were preschoolers at the time) to the store with him to get dog food right after griping at me about not getting dog food (which entailed taking the two little kids, who were preschoolers at the time, to the store with me). I think your dh might be deserving of the twerp award for his rather unreasonable expectations. ;)

 

Tara

Edited March 28, 2012 by TaraTheLiberator

[redsquirrel]

Lessons and dinner are done by 6. I can get that managed. I don't really have any other 'chores' outside of that. DH cleans the house on the weekends. All of use work together to keep the house tidy during the week. He does the laundry and the kids fold it and put away.

[2squared]

Do you want the same thing as your dh? If so, I bet many ladies here will be willing to give advice on your schedule to help you accomplish that goal. The goal isn't impossible - it's just not working right now.

 

Not too long ago this board had a big thread on what neat-nicks (sp?) don't do. My guess is that to accomplish your dh's wish, you have to be on board, your schedule needs to be tweaked, and some new habits (like the ones from that thread) need to be established.

 

Your ds missing activities would be an issue for me. Does the school schedule need to flex to accommodate activities and homemaking needs? If child ABC has an activity at 4:00, does he/she need to start school earlier that day or maybe do more work the day before?

 

Our family prefers to have our evenings free. We generally don't do housework or schoolwork in the evenings, but our daily schedule reflects our preference. If your family isn't all on board with the goal, then my guess is your goal won't be met.

[txmom23]

So many questions! Thanks again for all the advice. DH and I talked tonight about the schedule. I know what the problem is. We don't get up and get going early enough. I wake up around 730, ds around 8. The girls later, around 10. We start lessons around 11. Ok, you might ask "Why don't you do all the chores from 8 to 11?" Well, we rotate chores so I don't have to do all the work. I will do whatever my chore is for the day during that time, just not everybody else's.

 

I like to play and sit outside. I like to cook. I like to clean. It's just really hard doing ALL of it, ALL the time. DH said to me that lessons are the priority for him, he would still like for us to keep the house neater though. He said he would lower his expectations and not judge us if we didn't meet them. He wouldn't say if he would be ok with just having a "quitting time" regardless of what got accomplished during the day. He also said, that I wouldn't want him to be busy with work after 6, so I shouldn't be busy with work after 6 either.

 

About him helping. He said, he's not here all day to make the mess, why should he have to clean it up? It's our responsibility. About him sitting while we clean, again, our mess our job. He feels like we mismanage our time during day. He really doesn't understand what my day is like. The interruptions, the never ending questions, the delay-tactics, the problems.

 

I told him, I don't tell you how to do your job. Don't tell me how to do mine. He agreed that the kids are well educated and cared for. He likes our homeschool, he just doesn't like how unstructured it is. He wants it to run like a real school.

 

I want to start our day earlier. I want the kids to quit farting around and get their work done. Then go outside and play or do whatever they want.

 

DS missed judo today because I wasn't finished with math lessons with DDs. He was finished with his chores and lessons by 330.

[redsquirrel]

Well, from what he says, it sounds like you are no long responsible for his laundry or cooking his meals or cleaning up his dishes. After all, you didn't make them dirty so.....

 

So, that might free up some time during the day.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I wouldn't be able to get school and everything else done if we didn't start until 11.

[A.Balaban]

Did you ever decide if you were going to move into the suburbs and shorten your DH's commute?

 

For what it's worth, I'm glad you guys had a discussion. I'm in no place to give advice because I've got two toddlers, and no lessons, and the house is a wreck. We're in the process of cleaning/selling/decluttering. One step forward, one step backwards, but I keep working at it.

 

I think you should just tell him: "Thank you for your input, we are going to try something new for awhile and see if that helps us."

 

I don't think 6pm is a good goal though. I like to get stuff done in the evening when the kids aren't barking up my arm every five minutes. I purposely leave stuff for after dinner...

 

I am a "sequence" person. So, pick a goal. If your goal is to have dinner done by 6. Plan a day to figure out what you will eat in a week. Plan a day to do some make-ahead prep work. Plan a day to do the grocery shopping. Then, figure out what you need to do to make that happen. Like another poster mentioned, the crock-pot and make-ahead freezer meals are a great way to be ready! You could even look at "once a month cooking" which is similar but much much bigger! My goal is to work towards a system of "once a week" cooking.

 

For the cleaning, work on a plan of attack. If you are getting your chores done, then you're set there. Figure out what's happening with the kids. Do they have too many? Too much schoolwork? Are they wasting time? Do they get to watch TV freely? (Or other time wasters?) Depending on their chores, I would suggest a 15-minute "clean up" time after lunch where the kids can help pick up lunch, and get some of their own chores done. If you are on a pretty good schedule, you are just going to have to be patient while you try and work with your kids to help them and teach them how to help out-- they just don't see things like we do.

 

Good luck! You don't want to run around the entire day and be beat by dinner time. I think you should gently suggest to your DH that yes it is his responsibility too. They ARE his kids.... You need relaxation time, yes, but not at the expense of everything else. If your relaxation time ruins your day, that just ruins the point doesn't it? Maybe instead take an hour after dinner and relax, chat or watch TV, then do some dishes, finish the cleaning, and head to bed. I know I am not a 9pm bedtime person, and while it is great that your DH is able to keep a schedule like that, I could never do it. Maybe you are trying to force yourself onto that schedule that doesn't work for you...

 

Good luck, again!! I keep babbling... :lol:

[SonshineLearner]

Seems to me that if a family is a "team effort" that has to start by having a happy attitude and willing heart. Easier to say that do/be. Then you have to prioritize. Everyone gets breaks at work, and you getting breaks at home seems reasonable. I think that teaching/cleaning/cooking is a fine thing to strive for... Then when another adult is home... sharing the clean up is normal. There's nothing better for kids than a dad who will pick up things to do and help out around the house. Cleaning toilets and helping with kids cleaning up... that's appreciation for a mom staying with the children. (Notice, I didn't say staying home :) As kids get older, staying home isn't as much of a reality)

It shouldn't be a his against her type of argument. Figure out the hrs in a day; give yourself a work day that's fair... then figure it out from there. I work with my son, straighten a bit.. and somehow we eat. I could get more done.... This is my time with my son and the other things in our lives... At another time, I hope to have a near spotless house. Course... I also hope for lots of time with my future gkids :)

:)

[Lily_Grace]

So many questions! Thanks again for all the advice. DH and I talked tonight about the schedule. I know what the problem is. We don't get up and get going early enough. I wake up around 730, ds around 8. The girls later, around 10. We start lessons around 11. Ok, you might ask "Why don't you do all the chores from 8 to 11?" Well, we rotate chores so I don't have to do all the work. I will do whatever my chore is for the day during that time, just not everybody else's.

Can you wake the girls up earlier? We have chore time in the morning where EVERYBODY works before school. Lunchtime everyone pitches in to clean up the morning mess, and then again after lessons in the afternoon to get things put away for good.

 

 

 

About him helping. He said, he's not here all day to make the mess, why should he have to clean it up? It's our responsibility. About him sitting while we clean, again, our mess our job. He feels like we mismanage our time during day. He really doesn't understand what my day is like. The interruptions, the never ending questions, the delay-tactics, the problems.

I kinda have to agree with your dh. Daily messes are my responsibility to make sure they're taken care of. Dh helps with the household things: dishes, laundry, sweeping, yard work, etc. Disintegrating tooth experiments, paints, etc. are under my domain.

 

 

I told him, I don't tell you how to do your job. Don't tell me how to do mine. He agreed that the kids are well educated and cared for. He likes our homeschool, he just doesn't like how unstructured it is. He wants it to run like a real school.

 

I want to start our day earlier. I want the kids to quit farting around and get their work done. Then go outside and play or do whatever they want.

 

DS missed judo today because I wasn't finished with math lessons with DDs. He was finished with his chores and lessons by 330.

 

Those around me swear I'm ADD so learning how to keep the cleaning under control has been a real challenge for me. I use a modified Flylady approach, breaking tasks into 15 minute/15 square increments (I have tile floors throughout the house) and focusing on one small area at a time. I keep a routine and stuck my big kid on one, too, since he takes after his mama. We keep our belongings pared way down to help with it all, too.

 

 

:grouphug: There are times in our lives where nothing falls into place and then the kids get older and all of a sudden it does.

[Joker]

You don't do some of the chores in the morning because it's not your job/mess, and your dh doesn't do chores in the evening because it's not his job/mess?

 

Everyone in my home does jobs and chores that are not they're own doing. It's part of being a family.

 

Maybe you guys should divide up all of the chores and regardless of the time someone is up or home they are expected to be done during the day/week. We actually do a really good job of doing the most cleaning on the weekends when all of us are working together.

[LucyStoner]

If dh wants this, perhaps he shouldn't have had three kids. ;)

 

Frankly, I think it is unreasonable for a man to go trotting off to work every lay (la la la) and expect to come home to "nothing to do." It's his house, family, laundry, and dinner every bit as much as it is yours. He can't reasonably expect you to do all the educating AND all the cleaning AND all the cooking AND everything else that needs to be done to keep the household running. His responsibilities don't end with bringing home a paycheck.

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

Maybe it is because we both contribute to the income and the household work, but neither me nor my husband thinks that we can come home and have everything perfect. Wishin' ain't gettin. He has to help make it happen.

[*Inna*]

 

About him helping. He said, he's not here all day to make the mess, why should he have to clean it up? It's our responsibility. About him sitting while we clean, again, our mess our job. He feels like we mismanage our time during day. He really doesn't understand what my day is like.

Whoooh, this could get really ugly. :glare:

[LucyStoner]

About him helping. He said, he's not here all day to make the mess, why should he have to clean it up? It's our responsibility.

 

 

 

So the kids and what they do/generate in dishes and laundry etc are not his responsibility? That just makes no sense. I am a neatish person and the house is reasonably clean most times and I cook dinner but it only workable that way because my husband takes care of certain things- helping with laundry and cleaning up the kitchen after dinner. On the weekends, we clean together. He also understands that some days things are a bit messier. It happens. The way to deal with it is together.

[jennsmile]

 

I like to play and sit outside. I like to cook. I like to clean. It's just really hard doing ALL of it, ALL the time. DH said to me that lessons are the priority for him, he would still like for us to keep the house neater though. He said he would lower his expectations and not judge us if we didn't meet them. He wouldn't say if he would be ok with just having a "quitting time" regardless of what got accomplished during the day. He also said, that I wouldn't want him to be busy with work after 6, so I shouldn't be busy with work after 6 either.

 

 

 

I told him, I don't tell you how to do your job. Don't tell me how to do mine. He agreed that the kids are well educated and cared for. He likes our homeschool, he just doesn't like how unstructured it is. He wants it to run like a real school.

 

I want to start our day earlier. I want the kids to quit farting around and get their work done. Then go outside and play or do whatever they want.

 

DS missed judo today because I wasn't finished with math lessons with DDs. He was finished with his chores and lessons by 330.

 

My perspective on my working past 6 is that I spend my time different. I take breaks or naps during the day, and am not working all the time. So sometimes my work is still waiting for me in the evening. Had I finished my work first it would be done before 6.

 

Homeschool doesn't have to take place at home. You could have taken your son to his activity and done math in the car or where ever. I know somebody that took a child to coop once and had them sit in the hall doing their work that should have been done before our afternoon coop.

[Colleen in NS]

We don't get up and get going early enough. I wake up around 730, ds around 8. The girls later, around 10. We start lessons around 11. Ok, you might ask "Why don't you do all the chores from 8 to 11?" Well, we rotate chores so I don't have to do all the work. I will do whatever my chore is for the day during that time, just not everybody else's.

 

Does your one chore take those three hours, though? If you're spending three hours every day doing a chore, you are doing too much. Your kids need to help you more.

 

On the other hand - if you decide to continue letting the kids sleep in, you could always use some of this morning time to get supper started.

 

...I want to start our day earlier. I want the kids to quit farting around and get their work done. Then go outside and play or do whatever they want.

 

...DS missed judo today because I wasn't finished with math lessons with DDs. He was finished with his chores and lessons by 330.

 

I think you have your solution - start the day earlier. He probably feels that because he has to get up early and come home late, the rest of the family should give a little more time and effort, too, towards making things work.

[homeschoolkitty]

So I will try to answer your question practicaly (sp?) It remind me of my choir director telling us to think of a higher note than the one we have to sing. and Most of the time we landed on our note.So perharps you can think of 6:00 as the high note you have to hit and perhaps you'll have dinner by 6 and then clean up time. YKWIM?in my house we hardly eat at 5. that is like our tea time. when most of the time I give them a snack that will tie them over for whatever dinner I star to make.I found in a book a way to plan . it was something like this. sunday AM put chicken in the crock pot with salt pepper and some potatos or whatever you have. by the time church is over your chicken will be ready if not just do cold sandwich for lunch and then make rice and serve. ad watter to chicken add rice to the soup. put some beans to soak.for the next day you can eat the rice and chicken soup for lunch for u and the kids. cook your beans and brown some meat for chilli for dinner (refrigirate/freeze half for spagetti in two days). use left overs for burritos next day for lunch for you and the kids. make ur fav meatless dish for dinner.make a hamburger helper add the separated brown meat. So basically you cook a little extra each day to make it a soup or something for left overs for ur lunch. one time I had planned a week this way. and I got so sick that week. but the family did not suffer.though I was not able to do the other chores the little ones (3 under 4)I am surprized at what the little ones can do with encouragement.when they were 3 under 5. I needed to open a classrom space at church. my back was terrible! so I encouraged the boy (3) to drag a chair for me. and he wrestle that chair till it made it to me. so I folded it and put it away. then the oldest (5) thought we were raising so that kid folded chairs and put them away! Kids are Strong and they are just waiting for us to notice them and see all they can do.encourage games like the little red Hen. when we pretend all the toys are weeds

[twinmami01]

:smilielol5:

 

Um, no....

 

Honestly, I do know some people who are able to operate this way. I stand in awe of them, truly. It takes a good amount of discipline and probably few to none in the way of outside activities, imo.

 

I agree. Most days I am able to get things done by 6pm. That is ONLY because we have VERY FEW outside activities and I keep a very strict schedule because I work part time from home. My home is not very big and I get most of my housework done on the weekends. I like having my evenings to unwind, but I imagine it would be upsetting if my husband REQUIRED this of me.

[melissad2]

I'm just hung up on a husband "expecting" certain chores to be done. He helped make the kids he should feel obligated to clean up after them. We don't expect each other to do anything but I do what needs to be done in the house eventually and he maintains outside eventually. Life happens and in the end it doesn't matter how clean your house was, what really matters is that your kids are happy and educated :) I want my kids to have memories of having fun and how much time mom spent with them not memories of how neat and clean the house was.

[elegantlion]

Maybe I missed it - I did read through quickly - but did you say what curriculum you are using and what school looks like yet? I mean, what school are you requiring of your children each day? That is a key factor that I don't think has been discussed in this thread yet.

 

Depending on what your school looks like, I think you could possibly do this. And, fwiw, if I spent four hours on the road every day I know for certain I would not want to do anything but fall into a chair and relax the rest of the day. As moms, homeschooling or whatever, we do have the option of sitting down once in a while and getting a breather. That's not always the case for our husbands. I know it's not for mine.

 

 

:iagree: good questions too.

I wake up around 730, ds around 8. The girls later, around 10. We start lessons around 11. Ok, you might ask "Why don't you do all the chores from 8 to 11?" Well, we rotate chores so I don't have to do all the work. I will do whatever my chore is for the day during that time, just not everybody else's.

 

I like to play and sit outside. I like to cook. I like to clean. It's just really hard doing ALL of it, ALL the time. DH said to me that lessons are the priority for him, he would still like for us to keep the house neater though. He said he would lower his expectations and not judge us if we didn't meet them. He wouldn't say if he would be ok with just having a "quitting time" regardless of what got accomplished during the day. He also said, that I wouldn't want him to be busy with work after 6, so I shouldn't be busy with work after 6 either.

 

About him helping. He said, he's not here all day to make the mess, why should he have to clean it up? It's our responsibility. About him sitting while we clean, again, our mess our job. He feels like we mismanage our time during day. He really doesn't understand what my day is like. The interruptions, the never ending questions, the delay-tactics, the problems.

 

I told him, I don't tell you how to do your job. Don't tell me how to do mine. He agreed that the kids are well educated and cared for. He likes our homeschool, he just doesn't like how unstructured it is. He wants it to run like a real school.

 

I want to start our day earlier. I want the kids to quit farting around and get their work done. Then go outside and play or do whatever they want.

 

DS missed judo today because I wasn't finished with math lessons with DDs. He was finished with his chores and lessons by 330.

 

I'm going to make the snarky suggestion that you just don't do everything for a day and show him what you do. :tongue_smilie: I'm only partially kidding. My dh is a neat freak, but he doesn't expect me to be. The last time I was sick I couldn't get out of bed for about 5 days. The boys made pizza one night. Pizza crumbs sat on the stove for like 3 days until I cleaned them off. My neat freak dh got the point. If you're going to demand someone else live up to your standards you have to live them too.

 

Do you do his laundry, cook his meals, then it's his stuff you're dealing with too. We started school at 11am one year, it was a great year. Dh didn't like it either. Partly because he saw it as lazy, I saw it was using our productive time. He was up and out of the house working hard all day. Finally we had a chat, discussing how long school actually takes, our extreme disgust for mornings, and that ds was doing fine. He lightened up. We're at the point we can't start that late and finish well, so we start at 10 or 10:15.

 

I'm also going to approach this from a different angle. What kind of commute does your dh have? Two hours of highway driving, two hours to go 20 miles? I can't imagine 4 hours of commute being sane for anyone long term. I know people who do that, I know in this economy you do what you have to, but 4 hours out of the day is insane. That's like the fast lane to burnout if you ponder doing this for your entire career. No wonder he's zoned out in the evening. My dh gets up at 4:30, is gone by 6:30, gets off at 4 (maybe) and then comes home and eats and crashes. He's out by 8:30 or 9 every night.

 

I would consider moving closer to his job if it's stable, seriously. I would also consider the stress of his job. If he has stress on the commute and then at work and then comes home to stress, well I can see a man trying to control the homelife more to offset the stress he is feeling at work or on the commute.

 

Another consideration is that he is jealous of your leisure. He's working hard to provide his family with this lifestyle, but he doesn't get to indulge in any of it. He sees you having a relationship with the kids, but if he's at work all the time can he feel as close? I started shipping ds off to work with dh on occasion. Not everyone can do that, dh's new job won't allow it, but it was a great experience for both.

[Melinda in VT]

I'm just hung up on a husband "expecting" certain chores to be done. He helped make the kids he should feel obligated to clean up after them. We don't expect each other to do anything but I do what needs to be done in the house eventually and he maintains outside eventually. Life happens and in the end it doesn't matter how clean your house was, what really matters is that your kids are happy and educated :) I want my kids to have memories of having fun and how much time mom spent with them not memories of how neat and clean the house was.

 

But your kids are little. The OP's kids are 15, 11, and 8. The kids should be cleaning up after themselves.

 

To be honest, I can kind of see the OP's DH's point. He gets up early, early and spends 4 hours a day commuting. His kids, on the other hand, are sleeping in until 10?!?

 

I would feel taken advantage of, were I him. A quiet evening doesn't seem to much to ask. Not having to clean up after people who should be cleaning up after themselves doesn't seem too much to ask.

[kwickimom]

SO- you get up at 7 and do ONE chore and then don't start school until 11????

 

I kind of see that as mismanaging your time. You have a full 11 hours from the time you get up until the time your husband gets home and you have 3 older kids. You can absolutely cook, clean, school, and even have time for a hobby or a break in there.

 

If you aren't starting school til 11 there is no way you can get things done by 6.

You said your DH is up and out the door by 4 or 5 am and you are not starting school until 6 or 7 hours later. That's obviously not going to work if you all want to have your evenings clear.

 

I do chores 7 to 8 am

school 9 to 1 or 2

one more hour of chores and then a break.

dinner at 5 or 6 and after dinner clean up I have my evenings clear.

 

you could:

chores 7 to 8 (you and the kids)

breakfast/wake up 8 to 9

9 to 3 school

3 to 4 chores

4 to 5 relax

5 to 6 dinner

 

If you and you and your husband don't want to do chores then the house will never be clean. I think your whole family needs to have a meeting about priorities.

 

Everything is a compromise. Your husband gets up at the crack of dawn and has a long commute. If he is working from 5 am to 6 pm then I see where he wants you to manage your time a little better.

[Haiku]

He also said, that I wouldn't want him to be busy with work after 6, so I shouldn't be busy with work after 6 either.

 

Your life is NOT a job. Your life doesn't stop because it's six o'clock. Raising a family and running a home are NOT a job. They are a life, and your dh participated in creating that life. He doesn't just get to bow out of the work.

 

He said, he's not here all day to make the mess, why should he have to clean it up? It's our responsibility. About him sitting while we clean, again, our mess our job.

 

I'm sorry, but that is just incredibly immature and selfish. It's HIS HOUSE. They are HIS KIDS. You are HIS WIFE, not someone he hired to clean the house and educate the children. Were it my husband, I'd tell him, "It's YOUR underwear, but I wash it anyway. It's YOUR dinner, but I cook it anyway. They are YOUR children, but I educate them anyway." It sounds like your husband wants benefit of house, food, laundry, and family but thinks he bears them no responsibility. He needs to wake up!

 

He wants it to run like a real school.

 

Then perhaps he should run it. If he doesn't want to do that, then perhaps he should trust his wife's judgment and not try to micromanage your life.

 

Tara

[jennsmile]

I'm just hung up on a husband "expecting" certain chores to be done. He helped make the kids he should feel obligated to clean up after them. We don't expect each other to do anything but I do what needs to be done in the house eventually and he maintains outside eventually. Life happens and in the end it doesn't matter how clean your house was, what really matters is that your kids are happy and educated :) I want my kids to have memories of having fun and how much time mom spent with them not memories of how neat and clean the house was.

 

 

I for one expect my dh to go to work and earn an income. Is it wrong for him to expect a clean house and a meal?

 

 

Maybe expect is the wrong word. I appreciate his hard work outside the home and in return I try to make his life easier. He appreciates my work in the home and does his best to provide a nice home and the things we need.

[momma2three]

At the very least, I would make dinner in the morning when you wake up, and probably lunch then too. Then pop dinner in the fridge and reheat like a leftover that night, and voila all your dinner dishes are done even before your kids wake up. When I had newborns with the potential for late afternoon witching hours, I always made dinner during afternoon nap and then just popped in the oven or microwave to reheat at dinner time.

 

The "not my mess, I don't have to clean it up" is something my kindergartner tries to get away with... does not fly.

[Tarreymere]

I agree that part of the problem seems to me to be that you get going later in the day than I would think would work well if you want to get done by 6 pm. We have a strict start time of 9 am for school, and expectations that the kids will be dressed, washed, teeth brushed and sitting at the table with two sharpened pencils by 9 am. It really helps.

 

They also have a chance to eat breakfast before then. They actually get up before me, around 7 am. I get up around 7:30. So they have a chance to eat breakfast and get showered or whatever they need to do before 9 am.

 

I was interested to hear that you have an assigned chore that you work on in the morning between 8 am and 11 am. Honestly, I do know several couples that use the word 'chore' to describe the work they do in their own home. It never seems to work well, and there is always conflict between the adults. As a mom and grandmom, let me gently say that if it is your house, any work that needs to be done there isn't a chore, rather it is your joint responsibility. If you are home while he is at work, you can certainly work on your joint responsibilities. It seems like your free time is between 8 am and 11 am, and that your husband would like your free time to be when he is home to share it with you. You have to change the way you look at what needs to be done in the house.

 

I don't even like to use the word 'chore' with the kids. Maybe that would work better if you have a farm and animals to be cared for, but it doesn't apply well when it involves routine tasks in the house that you all live in.

 

I don't assign any chores, so there isn't a mess somewhere because someone is being late or lazy or some other reason that makes sense to a kid. I use the 'we are a team and we are all in this together' approach. We all pitch in when there is work to do. No one is done until everyone is done. That helps them work together and there is no complaining about how this or that isn't this or that person's job. No one cares, they just want to get done.

 

I am in charge as the working team leader and I will let them know when and what to do. After a while, the kids do know what your expectations are and will do quite a bit in advance because they KNOW they will be doing it when clean up time is called. Also they don't bicker over chores, they just do as they are told. It is a team-friendly approach because we are all doing it together, and I get to set the example for them by busting my behind along with them. When we do that on the weekend and Dh is home he also participates and busts his behind too.

 

Bigger cleaning jobs like scrubbing the bathrooms are usually done on the weekend. These are also shared responsibilities between all of us.

 

I'd suggest getting those kids out of bed no later than 8 am with a strict 9 am start time. Getting started earlier should mean you get done earlier. Get stricter about the goofing off and whatever. There are a lot of threads with ideas on how to do that. Do a few quick 'everyone pitches in' fifteen minute clean ups through the day and right before your husband gets home.

 

Clean up after breakfast as a team before you get started. Put something in the crockpot and turn it on. Make those kids be accountable for their work and for pitching in with the team.