"I don't think you should allow me that, though."

[Ester Maria]

I am still trying to wrap my mind about a conversation earlier today.

 

My daughter is planning to make a choice I am not entirely cool with, but she has the permission nonetheless because I think it must be her decision. She understands my position, and she thinks that from my perspective as a mother, that position makes perfect sense.

Then the weird part comes, more or less like this (paraphrasing):

 

Her: If I were in your shoes, I would probably not allow it.

Me: And you see no contradiction in doing it yourself then?

Her: No, it is something I want to do, and given your permission, I will do it. But I still do not think you should allow it, as a mother.

Me: I am not making the choice, I am handing it over to you.

Her: Yes, but maybe you should not.

Me: :confused: Is this a roundabout way of saying you wish me to put my foot down and not allow you to make that choice? Because I think you are too old for mind games like that.

Her: No, not at all. I am very pleased with the fact you will let me decide. I just think you should not let me decide. Sort of, I disagree with your parenting approach here, but I still intend on profitting from it as your child.

Me: You know what are your parents' wishes. You are free to determine on your own, in this case, how much weight you are going to give to them.

Her: Yes. But I sort of think this is one of those cases in which you, the parents, should decide, even if that would dissatisfy me... not just show me all the options, say "choose", and wash your hands off it. Do not get me wrong. I absolutely do not want you to decide instead of me. But I think that would be the sensible thing to do, from your perspectve.

Me: That is what you think you would do?

Her: Not exactly, because I do not hold the same opinion as you do here. But I would impose my preference in this case, whatever it is, rather than handing over the choice.

 

Then I said something general such as that I prefer her to own her choices as much as possible, or something along those lines, and the conversation dissolved.

 

But something still bugs me. I have no idea how to digest this. We were both calm and we do tend to be a LOT more straightforward than in many families. Still, something about that conversation was so awkward.

 

Is it normal that your (younger) teens voice such opinions on your parenting choices, even if in the spirit of musing theoretically?

Is it disrespectful? I did not interpret it that way, but now rethinking it, I am really not sure it is her place to make such comments. Sort of like crossing some invisible line of my authority, KWIM? Mind you, I am not big on "authority" with my children, we have a more transparent relationship, but I still felt something was a tad bit inappropriate here.

Then maybe some of those comments were TOO honest, even for me (!). At one point she basically told me "I think you are wrong as a parent, but I am happy to be in a position to profit from it". She used the formulation "to profit from", literally, and there was no indication it was a tongue in cheek expression.

 

Are these things something I should talk to her about? Or should I just ignore it as those awkward moments with teenagers and let it slide?

[cathmom]

Are you sure you weren't talking to my oldest child????????

[NicAnn]

I think I totally understand where she's coming from. My mother would often allow me to make decisions that I couldn't believe she'd allow. I knew that when I had kids it wouldn't be something I'd allow. Yet, I wanted to do it at the time, and even though I knew another decision should be made, I wasn't quite mature enough to do that. Does that make sense?

[Ester Maria]

Are you sure you weren't talking to my oldest child????????

Glad to see I am not alone! :lol: :grouphug:

I think I totally understand where she's coming from. My mother would often allow me to make decisions that I couldn't believe she'd allow. I knew that when I had kids it wouldn't be something I'd allow. Yet, I wanted to do it at the time, and even though I knew another decision should be made, I wasn't quite mature enough to do that. Does that make sense?

Yes, it makes sense, and I tend to be on the more liberal / lax side about many things - it just feels so awkward to have a child acknowledge it in this way.

 

(Did you really turn into the kind of parent you as a child believed you would be, BTW?)

[TheHomeScientist]

I understand your daughter's position, and I don't think she was being disrespectful. The opposite, in fact. I don't think you have anything to worry about.

[GinaPagnato]

How old is dd? Not that it changes things necessarily, just curious.

 

I have a son, 10, who is the same way. He always speaks the truth, and has very often admitted to manipulating people/circumstances to his advantage. Not an evil, sociopathic manipulation. More of an upper hand kind of thing. He's told me how he got out of having to do certain things in a class, for example, by bringing up topics of interest to the teacher and causing a complete digression from the topic of hand. He doesn't tell me these things to gloat, nor does he see anything wrong with it. He's just very intuitive and honest.

 

I think it can be disconcerting to have a child talk like this to us, no matter how magnanimous our parenting style may be. It's just---awkward. In your case, I'd probably just move on, if you're comfortable with the initial stance you took (allowing her to do whatever even though you wished she wouldn't). Just chalk up the rest of it to her being insightful and possibly a bit manipulative. I always tell my dh that we need to keep our eyes wide open. Right now, ds tells us everything that comes into his mind: good, bad, and ugly. I'm hoping that continues so we can direct and correct,when necessary.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Of course I don't know what exactly was being discussed, but I think that there can be a certain security in having certain decisions made for you by your parents. Making those decisions for yourself is ultimately better, if you have the capacity to do so. But I wonder if she was telling you that she did not have the capacity to deny herself something that she wants even if she knows that it might not be the best.

[swellmomma]

I think you have a very intelligent articulate child there. She absolutely was NOT disrespectful. I would also say this is a very well voiced call for you to step in. She is asking you forthright to take the burden off her shoulders. To lay down the law, then she has an out of whatever it was and a way to lament with her friends about how "unfair" her mother was. It let's her save face. Whatever it is she is going to do it, she told you that, but it sounds like she is looking for an out with you being the bad guy. The fact that she can articulate it so well tells me if she is asking for it she must feel strongly about it because she clearly has the brains to know that it is not the right choice for her. If friends are involved she may not feel she has a choice at all since you are telling her no problem kwim. SOmetimes saving face is the most important thing not having the ability to make a big decision on her own.

[Ester Maria]

How old is dd? Not that it changes things necessarily, just curious.

 

I have a son, 10, who is the same way. He always speaks the truth, and has very often admitted to manipulating people/circumstances to his advantage. Not an evil, sociopathic manipulation. More of an upper hand kind of thing. He's told me how he got out of having to do certain things in a class, for example, by bringing up topics of interest to the teacher and causing a complete digression from the topic of hand. He doesn't tell me these things to gloat, nor does he see anything wrong with it. He's just very intuitive and honest.

 

I think it can be disconcerting to have a child talk like this to us, no matter how magnanimous our parenting style may be. It's just---awkward. In your case, I'd probably just move on, if you're comfortable with the initial stance you took (allowing her to do whatever even though you wished she wouldn't). Just chalk up the rest of it to her being insightful and possibly a bit manipulative. I always tell my dh that we need to keep our eyes wide open. Right now, ds tells us everything that comes into his mind: good, bad, and ugly. I'm hoping that continues so we can direct and correct,when necessary.

She is 14. We are all rather candid about things here, in a sort of matter of fact way, so I have no idea why I was taken aback a little. We have also discussed quite frankly things of the kind your son has discussed with you. It would in fact be expectable of her to be frank. But why I am surprised then, why do I still feel something was slightly off about her comments? :confused: Maybe it is me, not her? No idea.

[FaithManor]

I think what she may be attempting to express is that new found liberty, while exciting and adventurous on the surface, is also a scary thing because she is experiencing that concept that mom and dad are pulling out of this and for good or for bad, she'll have to own the decision and the positive or negative consequences thereof.

 

My dad can remember feeling some of this angst as the eldest son. Sometimes he sort of secretly wished his parents would step in and say no, yet he really wanted his liberty too....catch 22 as the saying goes. However, in his case, had he even attempted to express any sentiment counter to his parents wishes, he would have been back-handed. My grandfather, quite a mellow man by any standards once he was much older, tended to interpret anything but "Yes sir, No sir" as sassing. Very old school kind of guy as a dad, but just about as soft as a down pillow as an elderly grandfather!

 

I think she is expressing some anxiety about her liberty.

 

Faith

[LibraryLover]

Is it something she wants to do, but isn't quite ready to do, although she knows it's something important for her future? Could you reassure that it's ok to wait, and maybe do it next year? Does she think that if she doesn't do it now, she will somehow ruin her future?

[KungFuPanda]

I was just going to ask if she was 14 :-). They become wise and all-knowing at 14. :lol:

[Ester Maria]

I think you have a very intelligent articulate child there. She absolutely was NOT disrespectful. I would also say this is a very well voiced call for you to step in. She is asking you forthright to take the burden off her shoulders. To lay down the law, then she has an out of whatever it was and a way to lament with her friends about how "unfair" her mother was. It let's her save face. Whatever it is she is going to do it, she told you that, but it sounds like she is looking for an out with you being the bad guy. The fact that she can articulate it so well tells me if she is asking for it she must feel strongly about it because she clearly has the brains to know that it is not the right choice for her. If friends are involved she may not feel she has a choice at all since you are telling her no problem kwim. SOmetimes saving face is the most important thing not having the ability to make a big decision on her own.

This is what crossed my mind first, actually.

I did ask her whether she was basically asking of me to forbid her that choice, but she denied that she was "hinting" at anything... and it all confuses me now.

[Whereneverever]

This is what crossed my mind first, actually.

I did ask her whether she was basically asking of me to forbid her that choice, but she denied that she was "hinting" at anything... and it all confuses me now.

 

Even with the denial, I think it's what she wants, at least in part. :grouphug:

[GinaPagnato]

It's probably you in this case. The fact was that you didn't want her doing something, but left the decision up to her. Which is fine. However, her telling you what she was thinking *you* should do probably played a bit on your doubts/insecurity with letting her have the final say in the decision.

 

Argh! 14 is hard, too.

[Teachin'Mine]

I think you have a very intelligent articulate child there. She absolutely was NOT disrespectful. I would also say this is a very well voiced call for you to step in. She is asking you forthright to take the burden off her shoulders. To lay down the law, then she has an out of whatever it was and a way to lament with her friends about how "unfair" her mother was. It let's her save face. Whatever it is she is going to do it, she told you that, but it sounds like she is looking for an out with you being the bad guy. The fact that she can articulate it so well tells me if she is asking for it she must feel strongly about it because she clearly has the brains to know that it is not the right choice for her. If friends are involved she may not feel she has a choice at all since you are telling her no problem kwim. SOmetimes saving face is the most important thing not having the ability to make a big decision on her own.

 

 

:iagree: Exactly what I was thinking - only you said it so much better.

[swellmomma]

This is what crossed my mind first, actually.

I did ask her whether she was basically asking of me to forbid her that choice, but she denied that she was "hinting" at anything... and it all confuses me now.

 

At 14 I am sure she wants the power to make all her own decisions but is likely still feeling that she is not ready. If she tells you outright to forbid it then it is her making the choice ultimately right? It doesn't give her an out if it is still her deciding. Just my guessing of course. My kids are not 14 yet and I parent differently than you etc. But that would still be my thoughts on it even if she denied wanting you to ban while still saying she wouldn't let her child do it kwim

[gardening momma]

I think her "I don't think you should allow me to do that" is a cop-out. She knows better, but wants no responsibility. There's a difference between what she wants and what she knows is right, and she's using her youth as an excuse to get what she wants, as if that excuses it. Either she's old enough to know better and chooses to do wrong (mind you, I don't know what it actually is) under the cover of "it's ok, I'm just a kid", or she is not old enough to have the responsibility of making her own choices, and it (decision-making) should be removed from her.

[moki4]

Have to agree w swellmomma. Matter of fact. She is telling you not to make that decision which is contradictory to your beliefs as a family. That's just my humble opinion but sometimes 14 y olds can detect trouble!!

[PIE!]

I was this teen. Me disagreeing with my parents was not a cry for help - but actually just showing my general distrust of my peers. For example: My parents did not give me a curfew. They didn't think it would be wise for me to stay out late at night, and told me so, but left it up to me.

 

As a teen I was happy to stay out as late as I wanted. I liked to be up late. I trusted myself enough not to get into the trouble that I knew many of my peers would run into if they were allowed to stay out as long an I was. I do not plan to be so lax on the curfew with my own children.

 

I don't know if this is similar to your situation, but I do remember having her perspective in many instances.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I think I might follow up with , "if you decide not to do this, it is okay for you to tell yourself or your friends that I didn't want you to.". That would be the truth (not saying you forbade it) and allows her to put the blame on you if she felt she needed to.

 

I do see an issue with her going against her own better judgment (which is how I see if since she wouldn't let her do it if she were the parent). But we all do that sometimes. We just have to deal with the consequences.

 

I figure she is criticizing your parenting but she wasn't really disrespectful about it.

[Trilliums]

 

I figure she is criticizing your parenting but she wasn't really disrespectful about it.

 

I think this sums up why the conversation felt borderline inappropriate or crossing a boundary of some sort.

 

Originally, I also thought it sounded as though she was asking you to step in and prevent her from making this choice. But, on re-reading the conversation, particularly the end where she says That she does not hold the same opinion on the matter, I am starting to think maybe instead what she s looking for is a greater acceptance from you of her decision. Actually, acceptance is too mild of a word. It sounds as though she would prefer it if you embraced her decision and felt it was absolutely the best course (as she seems to feel). Instead, she is allowed to choose, but has the impression from you that her choice is not the best decision.

[KnitWit]

:grouphug:

 

I agree with SwellMomma.

 

It really sounds like she wants someone to save her from herself. It appears that she knows the difference between right and wrong, but doesn't quite have the self-control to do what she KNOWS over what she FEELS or DESIRES.

 

It kind of sounds like a nice way of saying "Be the Mom!" :grouphug:

[Marylou]

You might feel uneasy about her criticizing your parenting when you didn't ask for an evaluation of it.

[Ester Maria]

Is it something she wants to do, but isn't quite ready to do, although she knows it's something important for her future? Could you reassure that it's ok to wait, and maybe do it next year? Does she think that if she doesn't do it now, she will somehow ruin her future?

Without going into specifics, we had that particular conversation about something which could be described as a "minor issue" in the grand scheme of things. Something we would normally veto, but at her insisting, DH and I finally arrivated at the "oh well, let her have at it" conclusion.

 

But. In the background, there is also this "major issue" going on these weeks. And if she was trying to talk about that in an indirect fashion... probably I am just being paranoid, though.

But we are all scattered... if she openly told me she was changing her mind, I would have no idea how "seriously" to take it and whether it was a normal reluctance or something bigger.

 

Now I am beginning to overthink this all.

[Ester Maria]

I was this teen. Me disagreeing with my parents was not a cry for help - but actually just showing my general distrust of my peers. For example: My parents did not give me a curfew. They didn't think it would be wise for me to stay out late at night, and told me so, but left it up to me.

 

As a teen I was happy to stay out as late as I wanted. I liked to be up late. I trusted myself enough not to get into the trouble that I knew many of my peers would run into if they were allowed to stay out as long an I was. I do not plan to be so lax on the curfew with my own children.

 

I don't know if this is similar to your situation, but I do remember having her perspective in many instances.

This is sort of how I first took it. Not as a cry for help, but like this, plus my slight annoyance.

 

But maybe I was wrong? This girl often has a mind difficult to read, even for a mother.

[Ester Maria]

You might feel uneasy about her criticizing your parenting when you didn't ask for an evaluation of it.

LOL true. ;)

 

Anyhow, I will bring up that conversation tomorrow. Maybe there are things to hash out, maybe not, but since I cannot let go of it so easily, I will take it that we need to talk... and maybe rethink the whole thing together.

 

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts - I am sorry not to quote every single response, but I appreciate all of your insights... and hugs. Teens are hard. Sigh.

[eternalknot]

This is sort of how I first took it. Not as a cry for help, but like this, plus my slight annoyance.

 

But maybe I was wrong? This girl often has a mind difficult to read, even for a mother.

 

That's also how I took it to be. Is she an old soul type of person?

 

As a kid I was able to separate emotion from reality in a way that sometimes unsettled my elders. I had those type of conversations with them, and my comments were never judgments but rather matter-of-fact observances and intuitions.

 

They gave me fairly free reign, maybe because they sensed I'd always be okay. I don't have that same vibe/instinctive assurnce about my own kids, or most kids in general, so I'm a bit more tight on the reigns now that I'm the parent. I'm glad they parented how they did; I think they tailored their preferences to suit my personality. Not all of my siblings had the same freer reign. I read your post and think you're doing pretty well the same, and she's just making an honest, intuitive observation.

 

:grouphug:

 

Signed,

Fellow Overthinker. Argh!

[justamouse]

:lol::lol:

 

Nope, if the chips fall they're going to fall on her. Time to be a big girl and do what's right.

[PrincessMommy]

I haven't read all the comments, but I'm wondering if your daughter is trying to have a way to lay the blame on you if it doesn't work out the way she wants. Does that make sense?

 

IAW - she wants to a way out of taking responsibility if it doesn't work out. "See mom, I even told you not to let me do it and you let me do it anyway. It's all YOUR fault."

 

I could be seeing it wrong - but that is how I read the conversation.

[Tap]

I agree with some of what the others are saying, in that she wasn't being disrespectful, but she was saying you were making a major wrong decision.

 

Have you talked to her about what she feels is the 'danger' of doing this event? Is it the event itself, or is it what it can lead up to? Is it the freedom she will be allowed during the time away from you? Is it the people she will be with? It is her perception of how the events could unfold? Is it her secret knowledge of something that is planned? It is her secret knowledge of something that has happened before in these types of situations?

 

 

I agree that she may be feeling pressure and excitement at the same time. She may want to test her wings, but she may know herself well enough to realize that she may not make the best decisions while away. Maybe there will be a lot of peer pressure or a lack of supervision?

 

My parents gave me MUCH more freedom than they should have. They had NO idea the things I was doing when I was away from them. They thought I was very trustworthy, honest, sweet and mature. I was those things but when I told them I was going swimming at the lake with my boyfriend, they had no idea we were drinking, skinny dipping and having sex. Omission is a powerful thing!

[hollyh]

I'm simply impressed by the array of comments/interpretations that everyone has. There are a lot of ways to interpret that conversation. Hard to tell what she is thinking. Hugs to you mama!

 

FYI, my first thoughts were that she was not being disrespectful, but was calling out for you to tell her no. ....however after reading other's thoughts I am not sure! :lol:

[KidsHappen]

My children regularly express feeling like this about their younger siblings but never about themselves. They are utterly convinced that I have done an excellent job of raising them but somehow lost my touch as I have aged. Of course, the youngers think that I am much tougher on them than I was on the olders.

[Heather in Neverland]

Of course I don't know what exactly was being discussed, but I think that there can be a certain security in having certain decisions made for you by your parents. Making those decisions for yourself is ultimately better, if you have the capacity to do so. But I wonder if she was telling you that she did not have the capacity to deny herself something that she wants even if she knows that it might not be the best.

 

:iagree:

 

I was your daughter at age 14.

 

My mom let me make a lot of my own decisions and I fought tooth and nail for the right to make my own decisions ...

 

All the while knowing deep down that the only reason I really wanted to make my own decisions was so I could do things I know my parents wouldn't want me to do...

 

And all the while secretly wishing they would stop me.

 

How's that for confusion. :tongue_smilie:

 

They DID let me make my own decisions, I choose poorly (just as I knew I would), and I STILL resent them for not stepping up as my parents and telling me NO.

 

And yes I parent much differently than my parents because it has stayed with me all these years.

 

 

.

[Ester Maria]

I am mentally preparing for the conversation. I am totally clueless as to how to begin to talk to her and what attitude to take.

 

Thanks to everyone who thought about this with me.

[*********]

Of course I don't know what exactly was being discussed, but I think that there can be a certain security in having certain decisions made for you by your parents. Making those decisions for yourself is ultimately better, if you have the capacity to do so. But I wonder if she was telling you that she did not have the capacity to deny herself something that she wants even if she knows that it might not be the best.

 

This is how I read the conversation, too.

 

I think her "I don't think you should allow me to do that" is a cop-out. She knows better, but wants no responsibility. There's a difference between what she wants and what she knows is right, and she's using her youth as an excuse to get what she wants, as if that excuses it. Either she's old enough to know better and chooses to do wrong (mind you, I don't know what it actually is) under the cover of "it's ok, I'm just a kid", or she is not old enough to have the responsibility of making her own choices, and it (decision-making) should be removed from her.

 

And I TOTALLY agree with this.

 

I'm going to be the odd man out here. I think what she said WAS disrespectful. Just because someone is being honest and/or insightful does not mean they need to let whatever they think come out of their mouth. In our house, that would've been labeled as 'sass'. Not HORRIBLE sass, mind you. In fact, now that I think about it more, it would really depend on the attitude and tone of voice with which it was said. I guess it could be either a really blunt, honest conversation, OR sass. :tongue_smilie:

 

I could totally see dss15 saying something like this. And if he did, my part of the conversation would've been different than how you handled it. Basically, I would've said something like, 'Ok then. What you're telling me is that 1) I'm not being a good mother and 2) You don't have enough self control to make the decision that is right because you'd rather do what feels good. So son, you're right. I've made a mistake here. We no longer leave this decision up to you, since you've just proven that you're not mature enough to handle it.'

 

I realize we have to let our kids make the 'bad' decision sometimes. But if they're smart enough to articulate all that your dd did, but STILL telling me that they're gonna go ahead and do it anyway? Yeah, I can't get down with that, LOL. :D

[simka2]

I was this teen. Me disagreeing with my parents was not a cry for help - but actually just showing my general distrust of my peers. For example: My parents did not give me a curfew. They didn't think it would be wise for me to stay out late at night, and told me so, but left it up to me.

 

As a teen I was happy to stay out as late as I wanted. I liked to be up late. I trusted myself enough not to get into the trouble that I knew many of my peers would run into if they were allowed to stay out as long an I was. I do not plan to be so lax on the curfew with my own children.

 

I don't know if this is similar to your situation, but I do remember having her perspective in many instances.

 

That's also how I took it to be. Is she an old soul type of person?

 

As a kid I was able to separate emotion from reality in a way that sometimes unsettled my elders. I had those type of conversations with them, and my comments were never judgments but rather matter-of-fact observances and intuitions.

 

They gave me fairly free reign, maybe because they sensed I'd always be okay. I don't have that same vibe/instinctive assurnce about my own kids, or most kids in general, so I'm a bit more tight on the reigns now that I'm the parent. I'm glad they parented how they did; I think they tailored their preferences to suit my personality. Not all of my siblings had the same freer reign. I read your post and think you're doing pretty well the same, and she's just making an honest, intuitive observation.

 

:grouphug:

 

Signed,

Fellow Overthinker. Argh!

:iagree: This is my thinking as well. I did similar things to my mom, and spoke in a similar fashion. I was really convinced I would parent differently. Now, I can tell you that I most likely will parent very similarly to my mother. (she's a good mom ;))

 

Making decisions is not clear cut. It is a messy process and can often leave us questioning if we are making the right one. It sounds like your dd does not want to deal with her own conscience, so you are the scapegoat. Seems developmetaly appropriate to me. I would just calmly and rationally acknowledge the fact to her.

 

"You say that you would do things differently. As a mother this tells me you are not at peace with your decision. I think that is a part of real life and you will need to live with that."

 

She sounds very bright, just trying to figure out how to "feel" okay about something she is not totally okay with ;)

[KnitWit]

I am mentally preparing for the conversation. I am totally clueless as to how to begin to talk to her and what attitude to take.

 

Thanks to everyone who thought about this with me.

 

:grouphug: Thinking about you and saying a prayer for wisdom. :grouphug:

[Ester Maria]

How do I talk to her later today?! I feel lost.

 

"Honey, I was worried about something you said yesterday and I did not know how to interpret it."?

 

Or... DO I talk to her at all? :confused: What if I am blowing this out of proportions and what if I should just ignore it?

 

But I am still not at ease with it. Something is odd.

 

Sigh.

[KnitWit]

:grouphug: Do you have the kind of relationship that you can just tell her that you are feeling uneasy about the previous conversation and that because you love her so much you really would like to revisit that discussion?

[Ester Maria]

:grouphug: Do you have the kind of relationship that you can just tell her that you are feeling uneasy about the previous conversation and that because you love her so much you really would like to revisit that discussion?

Yes, I am happy that we are quite close - and that she felt secure enough in our relationsip to say something like that in the first place. :)

You are right, I should probably directly start off that way. Thanks for your support.

[Trish]

:iagree:

 

I was your daughter at age 14.

 

My mom let me make a lot of my own decisions and I fought tooth and nail for the right to make my own decisions ...

 

All the while knowing deep down that the only reason I really wanted to make my own decisions was so I could do things I know my parents wouldn't want me to do...

 

And all the while secretly wishing they would stop me.

 

How's that for confusion. :tongue_smilie:

 

They DID let me make my own decisions, I choose poorly (just as I knew I would), and I STILL resent them for not stepping up as my parents and telling me NO.

 

And yes I parent much differently than my parents because it has stayed with me all these years.

 

 

.

 

:iagree:

 

I agree with both you and Jean, this is my sense of it. And I don't think it's disrespectful of the child at all to point this out. There are plenty of things I wish my children were mature enough to make wise choices about, but they're not, so I decide for them, for the time being. And they can still "know better" and still not be mature enough to decide wisely.

 

But, it's up to every parent to decide when their children need to take on that level of decision-making responsibility, so I certainly respect the OP's choice to decide that for her own DD. Hope it all turns out okay!

[KnitWit]

Yes, I am happy that we are quite close - and that she felt secure enough in our relationsip to say something like that in the first place. :)

You are right, I should probably directly start off that way. Thanks for your support.

 

:grouphug: Hoping it goes very well and that she will speak frankly and less vague.

[Teachin'Mine]

You could tell her that you love her too much to let her make a decision which could be harmful to her. And even though you had given your consent, in thinking it through, you've changed your mind and won't allow her to _________.

 

If nothing else, it will be interesting to see her response. It may be one of relief, or it may be one of anger at changing your position. Either way, I would stick to the "no". Heather's post explains why very well.

[swellmomma]

How do I talk to her later today?! I feel lost.

 

"Honey, I was worried about something you said yesterday and I did not know how to interpret it."?

 

Or... DO I talk to her at all? :confused: What if I am blowing this out of proportions and what if I should just ignore it?

 

But I am still not at ease with it. Something is odd.

 

Sigh.

 

I would just be forthright with her and tell her that you have been thinking about the last conversation all night and that you would really like to talk to her about it. I would be open and honest about my concerns as she was with you.

 

You are asking for clarfication that is not blowing things out of proportion.

[Ester Maria]

My parents gave me MUCH more freedom than they should have. They had NO idea the things I was doing when I was away from them. They thought I was very trustworthy, honest, sweet and mature. I was those things but when I told them I was going swimming at the lake with my boyfriend, they had no idea we were drinking, skinny dipping and having sex. Omission is a powerful thing!

My parents were also VERY hands off when I was that age, but I was a really good child in spite of it (or because of it? I am never quite sure). I never got into any majorly inappropriate situations, actually - so I suppose a part of the reason why I tend to be more lax is because I remember how appreciated I felt with the freedom I was given, yet I stayed a good child. I am more strict than my parents in some aspects, but I was trying to gradually increase some of my girls' freedoms of choice... which may or may not be a good thing. I constantly wrestle with these issues. :( I would like to have a cookie and eat it. On one hand I have the urge to keep them safe and "good" at all costs, on the other hand, I really do not want them to live in a golden cage and I feel like this is the time to learn independence and responsibility for their choices. So I am trying to hit some balance, and I never quite feel comfortable with it.

 

I totally get what you mean by omission though. I know a LOT of people who seem to willingly close their eyes to what their kids are doing. They are not even clueless, they just seem like they do not really want to know the specifics.

[Geo]

Of course I don't know what exactly was being discussed, but I think that there can be a certain security in having certain decisions made for you by your parents. Making those decisions for yourself is ultimately better, if you have the capacity to do so. But I wonder if she was telling you that she did not have the capacity to deny herself something that she wants even if she knows that it might not be the best.

 

:iagree:

[gardenmom5]

I don't know what the choice is, but sometimes kids need their parents to "be the bad guy" so they will save face with their friends. It could be she doesn't yet have the fortitude to stand up to her friends/peer pressure even if she knows it's wrong and doesn't really want to do it, so she needs you to be the "fall guy" so to speak.

[In the Rain]

:iagree:

 

I was your daughter at age 14.

 

My mom let me make a lot of my own decisions and I fought tooth and nail for the right to make my own decisions ...

 

All the while knowing deep down that the only reason I really wanted to make my own decisions was so I could do things I know my parents wouldn't want me to do...

 

And all the while secretly wishing they would stop me.

 

How's that for confusion. :tongue_smilie:

 

They DID let me make my own decisions, I choose poorly (just as I knew I would), and I STILL resent them for not stepping up as my parents and telling me NO.

 

And yes I parent much differently than my parents because it has stayed with me all these years.

 

 

.

:iagree::iagree::iagree: with every single word!

[Ester Maria]

You could tell her that you love her too much to let her make a decision which could be harmful to her. And even though you had given your consent' date=' in thinking it through, you've changed your mind and won't allow her to _________.

 

If nothing else, it will be interesting to see her response. It may be one of relief, or it may be one of anger at changing your position. Either way, I would stick to the "no". Heather's post explains why very well.[/quote']

This would be a precedent in my relationship with her, I think. I have been really consistent with what I was saying up until now, with very few exceptions and not of this kind. If I "unsay" that permission, I have no idea how she will react - she will probably be REALLY surprised... and will I not look like a mother who does not 'really' mean what she is saying, if she is taking it back when 'confronted'?

 

I have NO CLUE what to do. I would like to ask for a clarification first, and then I will have to probably think rapidly right then and right there and estimate whether I should forbid it after all.