Fellow introverts - what do you do to stay sane?

[MamaSheep]

I've realized recently that part of the reason I feel like I'm going bonkers of late is that I am just not getting my need for solitude met. I feel like I'm suffocating under all the dang social input. I love my family and I would not trade them for the world, but they just seem incapable of understanding the level of "alone" I need in order to stay sane. If they could leave me alone for two or three hours a day I'd be a lot more pleasant to live with, and able to get a lot more done. But they can't. Two family members especially (one of them dh) just cannot comprehend that I sometimes need them to just LEAVE ME ALONE. Just ALONE.

 

Dh and I do have a longstanding agreement that Wednesday nights are my nights off. After supper he takes over with dishes and homework and baths and find this and help me with that, and I am THEORETICALLY able to just go off and do my own thing. The thing is, a lot of the activities I would enjoy doing all alone by myself are things that are at-home kinds of projects like quilting, or curling up with a good book, or researching a topic of interest on the computer, or journalling, or writing a book that will never be published, or cooking something fun. And if I'm at home, they can't help talking to me or wanting to do the activity "with" me--to them it's a social event. I've even laid down the law and instructed them to just pretend I'm not even there on Wednesday nights, but that just results in comments like "Hey look, there's a chick flick on the tv, but nobody is even watching it", or "Hey Mooooom! I'm ignoooooring yoooooou!" They just can not leave me alone. They're constitutionally incapable. And the pick-picking just shreds me raw.

 

Going out is also problematic. Dh understands completely if I want to go out with a friend for dinner or a movie or whatever. And I enjoy that too now and again. But it does not meet the same need as just having quiet time alone in my own head with nobody poking at me (physically or verbally). And if I go out alone very often, dh will sometimes get pouty because although he intellectually "understands" that I'm different from him and sometimes I just need to be alone, his gut emotional reaction is that there must be something wrong in our relationship if I'd rather be alone than with him. For that matter, if I stay home he often seems to think that my "everyone leave me alone" edicts only apply to children, and he is somehow exempt because he is my friend and my lover and my everything and therefore I should want to be with him at all possible moments of the day and night. Sometimes I will stay up an hour or so after he goes to bed just to have a few quiet minutes to myself, but he'll wander down after a while looking forlorn and ask if I'm EVER coming to bed--like he can't even sleep without company.

 

It's gotten a little better since dd went back to school this year, which reduces the number of people NEEEEEEEDING me during the day by one. Ds is still just not ready to be in a classroom environment all day (though he's doing remarkably well with the one outside class he's taking this year), so if I want any level of sanity out of him I really have no option other than homeschool. But these days he's quite mellow and independent and introverted himself, and he and I can leave each other alone for hours and be quite content. Unless his sister is annoying him and he's nagging at me to make her stop, he is not usually the problem. But dh is back working from home again--and don't get me wrong, I actually enjoy having him here, I just need to ALSO work out a way to get MY needs met.

 

At any rate, I feel tag-teamed. I expend most of the social energy I have in me just getting through school. But then dh pops out of his office at unexpected intervals just to chat (which he needs, I get that, but it would be nice if the chatter had a POINT and an END). Or if ds is working independently on something for a while and I step into the office to check messages or look up something on the internet, dh can't just keep working while I quietly do my own thing in the other corner, he has to stop and talk with me, or "think out loud" or interrupt with some "social" comment every couple of minutes (which interrupts my train of thought with no purpose and makes whatever I'm doing take twice as long and feel choppy and tense instead of like a "break" from school as it is intended). Then about the middle of the afternoon when school is over, dd comes home and the level of social chatter (aka small talk) explodes. It's not so bad if she brings a friend home and they can bounce off each other, but she does need a little time with Mom, and I really do want to spend a little time with her. Then I TRY to take an hour or two to recharge before it's time to make dinner and do the family evening social thing, but again they just can't leave me alone.

 

I cannot have one restful moment to myself and it is seriously frying my nerve endings. I would have a lot more to give if they would just let me recharge a little now and then.

 

Whew! Sorry that was so long. Evidently I needed to vent a little...lol.

 

Really I just wanted to ask other introverts here (I know you're out there) what you do to maintain some space and get a little quiet time to regroup and decompress. It would be so much easier if either everyone went away to work and school and I stayed here by myself, or if I went away to a nice, quiet, nonsocial job somewhere and left them to their own devices. But neither of those is a good option for our family, and I need to figure this out before I explode and take them down with me.

 

Strategies? Ideas? Help?

[mudboots]

I sympathize. I long for time alone, at home!

 

DH is an introvert, too. He doesn't always understand that being home isn't the same as being alone, though. He thinks I'm home all day, so I must be getting enough alone time. :confused:

 

He likes working outside, and sometimes he'll take kids out to work on projects with him. They'll stay outside for an hour or two, which gives me a little break.

 

It's not the same as being completely alone, with no chance of a kid popping in to ask for a sippy cup, though.

 

So... no real solutions, just sympathy.

[Spryte]

:bigear: too.

 

My dream is to have DH take the kids out for an hour or two once a week. Would something like that work for you? Maybe DH could take the kids to dinner on Wed evenings? Thus freeing the house for you, and giving you a break from the dinner chores too. Other than that idea, I'm stumped.

 

Will be hoping for more creative ideas...

[wapiti]

I escape the chaos around me by mentally going into the computer for a few minutes every hour, where I can be alone, if only in my mind. This includes visiting the virtual world of WTM ;)

[WistfulRidge]

No ideas either, but coming from someone stuck in a tiny apartment with walls so thin that I can hear my neighbors getting clothes out of their closet... I understand. My DH tries to get me to go places by myself but where would I go? Everywhere has people and noise. :glare:

[CAMom]

So understanding how you feel right now! In my case, my 6 year old will. not. leave. me. alone!

 

I am so exhausted lately and I am convinced that it is because I cannot get regular time where I am alone and not overstimulated. I would be a much easier person to live with if I had some alone time!

 

:grouphug:

[*********]

Perhaps for your Wednesday evening alone time, you could take over your bedroom, and no one is allowed to even knock unless there's fire or blood?

 

I understand where you're coming from, because I need quiet alone time, too. But my boys are happy to go off and play with one another for a while each day, while dh is at work. Usually. :tongue_smilie: There are those days where I swear they tag team coming downstairs literally every three minutes during my 'break'. That's when I threaten them with a nap. :D

[acurtis75]

This is probably not the best solution but when I'm really feeling this way I usually start staying up way too late for quiet time after dh and dd go to bed. I go through cycles of doing this and then cycles of going to bed earlier to get more rest. I've even been know to go to bed with dh at his request & then get up after he falls asleep.

 

If for some reason this doesn't work in my schedule as a last resort I get up earlier before they get up. I am not a morning person so I have to be pretty desperate to do this.

[Princess Peach]

I know how you feel. We really have a full time job that we never get away from. Let that sink in a while. It is really a big deal. Then you need to explain it to your DH so that he understands.

 

A few suggestions that have worked for me in the past: You could bring whatever it is you want to do or work on into your bedroom or another room in your house that you can close the door on. Instruct your family that for the next two hours, you are not home. Period. No exceptions. Your children are old enough to understand and comply with that. And if your DH is serious about helping out, then he needs to enforce it.

 

For a time, I also instituted a mandatory quiet time after lunch for one hour. The kids went to their rooms and were not allowed to come out. Sometimes I still do it if they are too loud for me to decompress a bit before tackling the afternoon.

 

I hope these help somewhat or that others will chime in with some ideas that will work for you. I get it, I truly get it. :grouphug:

[TrulySusan]

When we decided to start homeschooling earlier this year, DH and I both knew our biggest challenge would be my lack of alone time. He helps me out a lot by taking the kids and going out of the house. Sometimes it's as simple as taking all 3 to one child's sports practice or to the store to buy a few groceries. They have gone out to eat fast food for dinner, to play at the park, for bike rides in the neighborhood, etc. Some breaks are longer than others but they all help keep me sane.:001_smile:

[russiantwins]

we try to plan some time over each weekend that hubby takes the kids and I have free time. Usually I end up grocery shopping, but I am ALONE in my head and don't really talk to others. In the evenings, while hubby is teaching the boys history,etc. I will leave whatever floor they are on, so I can't hear them and do something up stairs. That usually gives me between 1/2 hour to an hour to myself to read, straighten up, or take a bubble bath. At night before sleep, I like to read a novel too. I am a introvert as well, and don't need that social interaction.

[Onceuponatime]

I've done different things at different times. When my kids were all small, I requested 1 hour by myself in the evening every day. I would go in my bedroom and lock the door. It helped that the computer was in there.

 

When my kids no longer needed me to get up in the night, I would stay up late by myself a few nights a week. That doesn't work any more because the kids are older and they are staying up later too.

 

Now, I usually get 1/2 a day each week, on one of my husband's days off to go do whatever I want and the grocery shopping, alone. Dh putters around the house and does things with the kids that day.

 

Dh has always been very accomodating in this regard.

 

I just recently got a tv and dvd player in the bedroom, and I plan on using it to watch what I want. I live in a house full of males and nobody every wants to watch a Jane Austen movie or a romantic comedy. I am seriously tired of Star Trek and Marvel super heroes.

[acurtis75]

Also, if we are at home instead of the office we have a forced nap/quiet time. DD hasn't really taken naps since before she was 3. We don't do this every day anymore because we're not home as much in the afternoon but at least once a week I need a late afternoon/early evening nap. Sometimes dh does too if we've been at the office early and have evening clients.

 

She has clear instructions. I can't force her to go to sleep but she has to stay in her room and play or read quietly until we tell her nap time is over. She'll be 7 Monday but we've been doing this since she was 3.

 

ETA: I think the WTM suggestes this very thing. I believe even SWB's teenagers still had nap/quiet time.

[cathmom]

Sounds like your dh needs to stop working from home, if possible.

[Amy in TX]

I totally understand. I am just the same, except that my dh is somewhat introverted (nowhere near my level, but still) and understands. I have not only four dc, but a very large, very extroverted extended family living locally. There is a LOT of socializing. I love them all, but I can.not.do.all.the.get-togethers. Every Friday, Saturday, and sometimes Sunday night too.

 

By Friday night I am utterly exhausted after the week of schooling and everyone's outside activities and want to huddle in my home alone. We have a routine of going to my MIL's house Friday nights. Sometimes I go, but sometimes I tell dh that I want to stay home alone. He is, thank God, fine with that and will take the kids and go.

 

I also try to go to my "happy place" which is a local Half Price Books, by myself, for an hour or so on the weekend. Again, dh is supportive of this.

 

The other thing I do is stay up too late because it's sooooo nice and quiet, or get up earlier than everyone else. I am chronically slightly sleep-deprived, but it's worth it to me.

 

I don't know if any of this is helpful to you or not, but you have my complete sympathy and understanding. Be totally firm about getting that time somehow! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[bpskowski]

A couple nights a week, I take a bath. I take a book(s) and pad and pen. It's the only time I get to be alone. Now, if I could figure out how to make the iPad waterproof!

[Alte Veste Academy]

When we decided to start homeschooling earlier this year, DH and I both knew our biggest challenge would be my lack of alone time. He helps me out a lot by taking the kids and going out of the house. Sometimes it's as simple as taking all 3 to one child's sports practice or to the store to buy a few groceries. They have gone out to eat fast food for dinner, to play at the park, for bike rides in the neighborhood, etc. Some breaks are longer than others but they all help keep me sane.:001_smile:

 

This is exactly what we have been doing here. It is heavenly! When DH was on leave in January, he took all three kids to their music lessons (2x a week, gone for at least 2 hours each time). He actually enjoyed it, much to my surprise. It is a big treat for them to get to ride in his car (infinitely cooler than my minivan :lol:). They even stopped for lunch and ice cream a few times. Everyone was happy. Also, Santa was extremely generous and bought some pretty awesome baseball equipment. So usually on the weekends, DH packs it in the van and drives them down the road to our park and they all play baseball, gone for usually about 2 hours then too. He's at work again so he can't do music lessons but I have sent them all to the movies alone together and that's a great break too.

 

Aside from that, on the weekends I will frequently hole up in my room while DH and the kids play Wii and Xbox, watch movies, etc.

 

Sometimes it is a treat for me to take just one child somewhere. Last weekend, DD and I went for haircuts and she got her ears pierced. It was so great to do that with her alone, without all the noise and boyish physical exuberance that (I'm sorry :( ) I do get emotionally weary of. I also like to take just DS9 or just DS5 to the grocery store. They don't ask for things as much as DD does. DS9 is super helpful and DS5 is too adorable for words. It's nice to have one-on-one time. It's as beneficial as alone time, just in a different way.

 

I feel my cup being filled up with patience and energy when I can get time alone, so definitely try to carve some out for yourself.

Edited February 24, 2012 by Alte Veste Academy

[kpnick in nc]

This is probably not the best solution but when I'm really feeling this way I usually start staying up way too late for quiet time after dh and dd go to bed. I go through cycles of doing this and then cycles of going to bed earlier to get more rest. I've even been know to go to bed with dh at his request & then get up after he falls asleep.

 

If for some reason this doesn't work in my schedule as a last resort I get up earlier before they get up. I am not a morning person so I have to be pretty desperate to do this.

 

My.life.exactly! I worked part-time for 3 years and quit while expecting younger DS; I thought I would be soooo happy to be home full-time (don't get me wrong, in many ways, I am), but I recently realized that the alone drive time, and time by myself at a computer did wonders in keeping me sane - too bad I was spread too thin to keep it going! I've been known to completely shut down when DH gets home. He is a trooper!

 

Saturday, I usually get a couple of hours to myself. DH takes all DC on various errands and adventures, and I stay home and do house stuff, if I feel like it.

 

I like the idea of having a planned, weekly time for DH to take care of dinner, bedtime, etc. Knowing that a break is coming would help me when I'm thinking, "Will this ever end?!?!"

[meggie]

I once took a huge stack of curricula to the library and reserved one of their quiet rooms for a few hours. It allowed me to read ahead and prep in peace and quiet. I think I might be going again tonight because the constant noise is wearing me down.

[Amy in TX]

After rereading my post above, I realize how crucial my dh's support in this matter is. I think that if I were you, I would do whatever it takes to make him understand that this is a need, not a want, and that your health, ability to raise the children, and your marriage depend on it. He actually sounds like a very sweet guy, but just doesn't get the seriousness of this issue.

 

Would he read an article if you gave it to him? Listen to someone else?

[Kertie]

My DH tries to get me to go places by myself but where would I go? Everywhere has people and noise. :glare:

 

That's exactly what I used to say to my dh. He told me to go to the library--handed me my coat and keys, opened the door, gave me a kiss and a smile and basically wouldn't let me back in the house;). So I went to the library, dragging, thinking it was all so ridiculous. Instead I was the crazy lady sitting at a table with my eyes closed, smiling:D. I have been in libraries where even the fluorescent lights buzzing irritated me, but our neighborhood one is nice and quiet and not crowded in the evenings.

 

I've also just taken a book to a local very small coffee shop--yeah, people came in, but it wasn't loud, and it wasn't people wanting ME. I sat there and read the whole book--and it was glorious. :lol:

[TranquilMind]

I've realized recently that part of the reason I feel like I'm going bonkers of late is that I am just not getting my need for solitude met. I feel like I'm suffocating under all the dang social input. I love my family and I would not trade them for the world, but they just seem incapable of understanding the level of "alone" I need in order to stay sane. If they could leave me alone for two or three hours a day I'd be a lot more pleasant to live with, and able to get a lot more done. But they can't. Two family members especially (one of them dh) just cannot comprehend that I sometimes need them to just LEAVE ME ALONE. Just ALONE.

 

Dh and I do have a longstanding agreement that Wednesday nights are my nights off. After supper he takes over with dishes and homework and baths and find this and help me with that, and I am THEORETICALLY able to just go off and do my own thing. The thing is, a lot of the activities I would enjoy doing all alone by myself are things that are at-home kinds of projects like quilting, or curling up with a good book, or researching a topic of interest on the computer, or journalling, or writing a book that will never be published, or cooking something fun. And if I'm at home, they can't help talking to me or wanting to do the activity "with" me--to them it's a social event. I've even laid down the law and instructed them to just pretend I'm not even there on Wednesday nights, but that just results in comments like "Hey look, there's a chick flick on the tv, but nobody is even watching it", or "Hey Mooooom! I'm ignoooooring yoooooou!" They just can not leave me alone. They're constitutionally incapable. And the pick-picking just shreds me raw.

 

Going out is also problematic. Dh understands completely if I want to go out with a friend for dinner or a movie or whatever. And I enjoy that too now and again. But it does not meet the same need as just having quiet time alone in my own head with nobody poking at me (physically or verbally). And if I go out alone very often, dh will sometimes get pouty because although he intellectually "understands" that I'm different from him and sometimes I just need to be alone, his gut emotional reaction is that there must be something wrong in our relationship if I'd rather be alone than with him. For that matter, if I stay home he often seems to think that my "everyone leave me alone" edicts only apply to children, and he is somehow exempt because he is my friend and my lover and my everything and therefore I should want to be with him at all possible moments of the day and night. Sometimes I will stay up an hour or so after he goes to bed just to have a few quiet minutes to myself, but he'll wander down after a while looking forlorn and ask if I'm EVER coming to bed--like he can't even sleep without company.

 

It's gotten a little better since dd went back to school this year, which reduces the number of people NEEEEEEEDING me during the day by one. Ds is still just not ready to be in a classroom environment all day (though he's doing remarkably well with the one outside class he's taking this year), so if I want any level of sanity out of him I really have no option other than homeschool. But these days he's quite mellow and independent and introverted himself, and he and I can leave each other alone for hours and be quite content. Unless his sister is annoying him and he's nagging at me to make her stop, he is not usually the problem. But dh is back working from home again--and don't get me wrong, I actually enjoy having him here, I just need to ALSO work out a way to get MY needs met.

 

At any rate, I feel tag-teamed. I expend most of the social energy I have in me just getting through school. But then dh pops out of his office at unexpected intervals just to chat (which he needs, I get that, but it would be nice if the chatter had a POINT and an END). Or if ds is working independently on something for a while and I step into the office to check messages or look up something on the internet, dh can't just keep working while I quietly do my own thing in the other corner, he has to stop and talk with me, or "think out loud" or interrupt with some "social" comment every couple of minutes (which interrupts my train of thought with no purpose and makes whatever I'm doing take twice as long and feel choppy and tense instead of like a "break" from school as it is intended). Then about the middle of the afternoon when school is over, dd comes home and the level of social chatter (aka small talk) explodes. It's not so bad if she brings a friend home and they can bounce off each other, but she does need a little time with Mom, and I really do want to spend a little time with her. Then I TRY to take an hour or two to recharge before it's time to make dinner and do the family evening social thing, but again they just can't leave me alone.

 

I cannot have one restful moment to myself and it is seriously frying my nerve endings. I would have a lot more to give if they would just let me recharge a little now and then.

 

Whew! Sorry that was so long. Evidently I needed to vent a little...lol.

 

Really I just wanted to ask other introverts here (I know you're out there) what you do to maintain some space and get a little quiet time to regroup and decompress. It would be so much easier if either everyone went away to work and school and I stayed here by myself, or if I went away to a nice, quiet, nonsocial job somewhere and left them to their own devices. But neither of those is a good option for our family, and I need to figure this out before I explode and take them down with me.

 

Strategies? Ideas? Help?

My husband has taken the kids out every Saturday all day since they were toddlers. They are really close to him and have a great time. I get to be alone all day. Win-win.

 

Can your husband do something like this, even if it can't be every weekend?

[mommymilkies]

I have the same problem. My dh does not work from home, but he has such a loosey goosey schedule that he randomly comes home early, and ALWAYS, I swear ALWAYS comes home when I finally get a little alone time. And he just doesn't "get it" that I need alone time without him watching me on the computer or chit chatting or playing mandolin in my ear. I want complete solitude. Just me, yarn, and Dr.Who/computer time. He gets really offended by this, but I have to recharge. I wish there was a "Spouse To An Introvert for Dummies" book for him or something.

[Kertie]

:bigear:

 

I hear you. This is a big struggle for me. Dh is great about encouraging me to go out, and sometimes after dinner I'll plug in headphones that I'm not actually listening to anything on just because it helps block the noise;). But it's surviving the DAY that gets tough:tongue_smilie:. Not all days, but wow...just so much stinkin' input!

 

My "trick" for when it just gets too insane...prepare for weirdness...is to start singing. No, it doesn't cut down on the noise level per se, but the kids inevitably start singing, too, and it gives it a direction (not at me) and everyone is on the same page. It also keeps me from acting like a banshee fishwife:D.

 

Looking forward to finding the solution on this thread;).

[Forget-Me-Not]

I find my needs run more towards getting OUT of the house. I go out by myself at least a couple of times a month, and after some recent events around here where I am emotionally exhausted, DH and I have agreed it should be more like once a week. Sometimes I get a pedicure, go out to dinner, see a movie. When the days are longer and I have some daylight to work with, I like to take my camera out and shoot whatever catches my fancy. Sometimes I go to the bookstore and browse.

 

However, sometimes I just need ALONE time period, and I don't want to go out. I usually barricade myself in the bedroom in that case. I have a TV in there so I don't have to compete with anyone for that. I lock the door to keep my kids out (because they'll come 'visit' me). DH has access to a key but doesn't come in unless he really needs to.

 

I think you need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with your DH. Maybe you can work something out where he takes the kids out on Wednesday night, or at least involves them in a project of some sort in another room of the house? I'm married to another introvert, which I think helps a lot because he gets my need for alone time. It sounds like your DH is a little more extroverted? I'd just give it to him in very black and white terms, that you love him and love being with him, but that you have a need for some alone time as well and that it makes you a better wife and mother if you can have that time.

 

Either that or just having a full-on meltdown. Which I have been known to do :blushing:. But I don't recommend that route :D

[*********]

Yeah, my boys are getting better about it. I still kind of feel edgy though (that they are going to start fighting or ask me for something). So I still feel like I'm "on" because I'm still available. I have a hard time shutting that feeling off. It's like I just want to feel unavailable for a bit.

 

Wendy, I SOOO know what you're talking about. I used to really what to just be 'off' when my boys were younger. I understand a 'break' isn't the same when you're still either the only parent home, or the parent still in charge of the kids even though you're on break.

 

Dh and I, when the boys were younger, used to each have a break every evening during the week. After dh came home from work, we'd have dinner together as a family. Then usually, dh would go have his 'off the clock' time in our room while I cleaned up dinner. Usually 30-45 minutes; we agreed on the length before hand. Then he'd come out, and I'd get a break. It was really a lifesaver for me once we figured out that system. I was finally able to get him to understand that I just needed SOME amount of time that NO ONE could need ANYTHING from me.

 

In fact, I'm not quite sure when and why we quit doing that, but I don't feel I really need that anymore; at least not every day. I'd love a situation where I had a regularly scheduled 'time off' once a week though; maybe I can negotiate that with dh.

[fairfarmhand]

one thing that I have been doing lately is telling my dh on Saturday mornings that "This house is really so dirty and I can clean so much better if noone's here, so why don't you take the kids outside for an hour or two." :001_smile: Generally the cleaning takes all of 2 hours, so I can escape for a few minutes too.

 

I am glad that my dh is introverted too. He really understands. He gets alone time while he is commuting each day. But when he is off for a few days...I am ready for both of us to be back in our routines.

 

Here is an article that might help.

 

http://gryphin423.hubpages.com/hub/Introverted-Personality

 

[MamaSheep]

Thanks everyone, it's so nice to know it's not just me!

 

Part of the problem is that dh "thinks" he gets it. He "thinks" he's valiantly keeping the kids out of my hair on Wednesdays. He has no understanding of the mental drain it is for me to have to say, "Ask Dad," every ten minutes (which is an improvement on every two minutes) Even just hearing "Moooom? I mean....DAAAAAD!" in the background is grating. Like someone here said, I just need to feel like I can completely let down my guard and just be unavailable for a while. Going out is nice, but as someone else pointed out, there's nowhere to go out TO. Everywhere that's open has people and noise. And around here there aren't many places that stay open as late as I'd want to be out.

 

Also, dh has some kind of deep-seated emotional allergy to schedules (it's a darn good thing he works for himself, let me tell you). If he understands that something is important, he gets the job done--in his own way, and on his own time, but it gets done. The bills somehow get paid every month. The trash gets taken out often enough not to be a problem. He's always on time for meetings he has with other people. Medical appointments he's good with. But he just does not "get" that alone time for me is literally a mental health issue, and I'm not being figurative, and I'm not exaggerating. We've been married almost 16 years, and he's a dear, sweet, kind, supportive, awesome guy--but I've come to the conclusion that no amount of explaining or asking for help on this matter will EVER get through to him on the level I would like it to sink in to. He just is not going to really understand. He is never going to notice that he is interrupting my train of thought. He is never going to stop asking if I want company with those puppy dog eyes that say he is DYING for company and won't I please have mercy on his poor extroverted soul. I can't change the man (and in many ways I don't want to), I just need to figure out a way to work with what I've got.

 

All of which is to say that I think he's stretching himself a bit for the Wednesday night deal. I've asked him before if he'd be willing to take the kids out once a week, or even once a month and leave me a couple of hours alone at home, but it doesn't seem to "take", even if he says he'll "try". Last week they all went out to a movie (after standing in the doorway looking accusingly at me because I said I hoped they'd have a great time, but this time I think I'd like to stay home) and it was HEAVEN. Except, of course, for that nagging feeling that they all wanted me to go and I was ruining their fun because I didn't. It would be even better if I could do it with a completely clear conscience because they just understood that Mom is having her alone time, and that's ok gosh darnit.

[Amy in TX]

 

Either that or just having a full-on meltdown. Which I have been known to do :blushing:. But I don't recommend that route :D

 

Sometimes it has to be done, lol.

[Scuff]

Don't go to the office for your break. Your dh can't handle it! We used to have a quiet time each day. An hour where everyone played or read in their own room or bed. We need to get back to that. I also steal moments in the bathroom here and there. Or have a random quiet time where they're not allowed to talk. It's not enough, but it is a start.

[MamaSheep]

I've done different things at different times. When my kids were all small, I requested 1 hour by myself in the evening every day. I would go in my bedroom and lock the door. It helped that the computer was in there.

 

When my kids no longer needed me to get up in the night, I would stay up late by myself a few nights a week. That doesn't work any more because the kids are older and they are staying up later too.

 

Now, I usually get 1/2 a day each week, on one of my husband's days off to go do whatever I want and the grocery shopping, alone. Dh putters around the house and does things with the kids that day.

 

Dh has always been very accomodating in this regard.

 

I just recently got a tv and dvd player in the bedroom, and I plan on using it to watch what I want. I live in a house full of males and nobody every wants to watch a Jane Austen movie or a romantic comedy. I am seriously tired of Star Trek and Marvel super heroes.

 

This so cracked me up. The latest thing here is that dh figured I'm spending a lot of time on the computer (because I'm going slowly INSANE and it's an escape!), and he figures it would be more FUN to spend that time on the computer "together", so he signed me up with an account on Star Trek Online so we have a game we can play "together". He's a dear, sweet, generous man, but he just does not get it.

 

Lol.

[fairfarmhand]

I will mention that perhaps your dh NEEDS MORE PEOPLE TIME.

 

Is he getting out to meet co-workers? I think that if his social needs were met a little more, he might not be so desperate for you. He needs adult time too.

[Amy in TX]

Last week they all went out to a movie (after standing in the doorway looking accusingly at me because I said I hoped they'd have a great time, but this time I think I'd like to stay home) and it was HEAVEN.

 

That is excellent! Grab this and run with it, and DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THE ACCUSING LOOKS. Make this a weekly or bi-weekly routine. :)

[Scuff]

To "go out", get in the car with some books, knitting, whatever, drive to a quiet street, park, enjoy. You don't have to go to an actual place. When I was younger, I'd load up my backpack and go for a long bikeride. Stop at a park, relax, then ride back. I miss that as we have no where secluded to go to here. Too much city. But i can still get in the car and go.

 

Eta- Dh teases me sometimes because I totally zone out and ignore everything around me. He says I have issues communicating. The truth is I used to be a great listener. But that was before marriage nd kids when it was much easier to have my me time too.

Edited February 24, 2012 by Scuff

[Julie Smith]

That's exactly what I used to say to my dh. He told me to go to the library--handed me my coat and keys, opened the door, gave me a kiss and a smile and basically wouldn't let me back in the house;). So I went to the library, dragging, thinking it was all so ridiculous. Instead I was the crazy lady sitting at a table with my eyes closed, smiling:D. I have been in libraries where even the fluorescent lights buzzing irritated me, but our neighborhood one is nice and quiet and not crowded in the evenings

 

 

Sometimes I walk to the library because I can plug in my music, listen and walk, get some fresh air... I find it's not about the destination - it's the trip. Then when I get home my boys are usually into something with Daddy and I have a alone bath with my new finds at the library.

[MamaSheep]

Don't go to the office for your break. Your dh can't handle it!

This is probably very good advice. Hard to follow, though, since most of my "recharging" activities are things that take too long to get out and set up, or need an extended period of focus (which is what makes them refreshing). Computer time is a quick fix that fits during break time.

 

We used to have a quiet time each day. An hour where everyone played or read in their own room or bed. We need to get back to that. I also steal moments in the bathroom here and there. Or have a random quiet time where they're not allowed to talk. It's not enough, but it is a start.

 

This is a good idea too. I'm not sure how that would work at our house with the various schedules...have to think about that one.

[cathmom]

.

 

I've also just taken a book to a local very small coffee shop--yeah, people came in, but it wasn't loud, and it wasn't people wanting ME. I sat there and read the whole book--and it was glorious. :lol:

 

Being quite nearsighted helps with this - I just take my glasses off and then I can't even see those other people! :D

[laundrycrisis]

I stay up late at night reading, or wake up super early. I love the feeling of everyone else in the house being asleep, and being the only one awake.

 

On the days when we don't go out to some activity in the afternoon (rare), and school gets finished a couple hours before DH gets home (also rare), I will take some time by myself. I usually spend it trying to sort through some pile of something (sigh). It doesn't happen often enough. I keep hoping that someday, it will be able to happen more often.

[OH_Homeschooler]

I'm just so glad I'm not alone in my need to be alone! Sometimes I feel like the worst mom in the world for my need to just get away from everyone. But I do have to remember that's just my personality. When I do get that alone time I am often refreshed and all set to go again.

 

I also crave alone time AT HOME to catch up with my TiVo, knit quietly, etc. DH does his best to corral the kids when I need it and keep them out of my space. I also go out on Saturday mornings to do whatever I want: breakfast by myself, shopping all alone, etc. It's wonderful. Yes, I'm out among other people but no one is demanding anything of me. I can get through a rough Friday all alone with the kids (DH is never home on Friday days or nights) knowing I get to do that on Saturday.

[MamaSheep]

To "go out", get in the car with some books, knitting, whatever, drive to a quiet street, park, enjoy. You don't have to go to an actual place. When I was younger, I'd load up my backpack and go for a long bikeride. Stop at a park, relax, then ride back. I miss that as we have no where secluded to go to here. Too much city. But i can still get in the car and go.

 

Eta- Dh teases me sometimes because I totally zone out and ignore everything around me. He says I have issues communicating. The truth is I used to be a great listener. But that was before marriage nd kids when it was much easier to have my me time too.

 

That might work. Especially if it's not freezing cold or baking hot outside. (Which in UT might be three weeks in the spring and another three weeks in the fall...lol.) And can avoid looking suspicious so the police don't come get me. ;) I'll have to think of some nice parking spots. That aren't full of teenagers...

 

 

After rereading my post above, I realize how crucial my dh's support in this matter is. I think that if I were you, I would do whatever it takes to make him understand that this is a need, not a want, and that your health, ability to raise the children, and your marriage depend on it. He actually sounds like a very sweet guy, but just doesn't get the seriousness of this issue.

 

Would he read an article if you gave it to him? Listen to someone else?

 

He IS a really sweet guy. And in so many ways our differences complement each other and make our lives richer. I check his grammar, he checks my math. I keep him from leaping off cliffs without looking, he keeps me from sitting around researching every possible angle until the opportunity has passed and it doesn't matter anymore. I help him find more depth in his relationships with others, and he helps me get off my bum and go meet people now and then. I sometimes write his letters, he sometimes makes my phone calls...lol. He really is a wonderful husband and I don't want to sound like I'm bashing or criticizing him, I'm just frazzled.

 

Maybe it is time to give him an article and tell him he HAS to read it, and then we need to have a serious talk. And see if it makes a dent this time. I posted this on facebook this morning, but I bet he didn't take time to read it.

 

:bigear:

 

I hear you. This is a big struggle for me. Dh is great about encouraging me to go out, and sometimes after dinner I'll plug in headphones that I'm not actually listening to anything on just because it helps block the noise;). But it's surviving the DAY that gets tough:tongue_smilie:. Not all days, but wow...just so much stinkin' input!

 

My "trick" for when it just gets too insane...prepare for weirdness...is to start singing. No, it doesn't cut down on the noise level per se, but the kids inevitably start singing, too, and it gives it a direction (not at me) and everyone is on the same page. It also keeps me from acting like a banshee fishwife:D.

 

Looking forward to finding the solution on this thread;).

 

I do that too! Both of those things! Although, when I sing my kids tend to roll their eyes and leave. But that stops the noise too.

 

(Also, I LOVE the banshee fishwife image now floating in my head. Thanks for that.)

 

I find my needs run more towards getting OUT of the house. I go out by myself at least a couple of times a month, and after some recent events around here where I am emotionally exhausted, DH and I have agreed it should be more like once a week. Sometimes I get a pedicure, go out to dinner, see a movie. When the days are longer and I have some daylight to work with, I like to take my camera out and shoot whatever catches my fancy. Sometimes I go to the bookstore and browse.

 

However, sometimes I just need ALONE time period, and I don't want to go out. I usually barricade myself in the bedroom in that case. I have a TV in there so I don't have to compete with anyone for that. I lock the door to keep my kids out (because they'll come 'visit' me). DH has access to a key but doesn't come in unless he really needs to.

 

I think you need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with your DH. Maybe you can work something out where he takes the kids out on Wednesday night, or at least involves them in a project of some sort in another room of the house? I'm married to another introvert, which I think helps a lot because he gets my need for alone time. It sounds like your DH is a little more extroverted? I'd just give it to him in very black and white terms, that you love him and love being with him, but that you have a need for some alone time as well and that it makes you a better wife and mother if you can have that time.

 

Either that or just having a full-on meltdown. Which I have been known to do :blushing:. But I don't recommend that route :D

 

See, that's how I'm feeling today. On the verge of a full-on, banshee fishwife meltdown. A heart-to-heart would probably be a better approach, though.

 

I stay up late at night reading, or wake up super early. I love the feeling of everyone else in the house being asleep, and being the only one awake.

 

On the days when we don't go out to some activity in the afternoon (rare), and school gets finished a couple hours before DH gets home (also rare), I will take some time by myself. I usually spend it trying to sort through some pile of something (sigh). It doesn't happen often enough. I keep hoping that someday, it will be able to happen more often.

 

Yes! This! Everyone is asleep and nobody needs me for ANYTHING. I've been known to stay up very late. I'm really not a morning person though. It is easier for me to STAY up until 5am than to GET up at 5am. I hear lots of people find that very refreshing, though.

 

I keep thinking there's no reason I shouldn't be able to have 3:00-5:00 to myself pretty much every day. We're done with school, nobody has after school stuff right now that they can't walk to. It SHOULD work. Only it rarely seems to. Even if I tell everyone to leave me alone and lock myself in my room inevitably somebody shows up desperate for Mom.

[Zebra]

I can't stress the importance of having "me" time when you are homeschooling, specifically alone time, when you are an introvert.

 

I was going crazy a few years ago, and made some changes. So, these suggestions may not work for you, but they did for me.

 

First, how nice are you being when people break your boundaries about your alone time? You need to start being firmer with your family. I know when I first started to have "alone time" I felt guilty and caved far too much. I trained my DH and my DD that it was okay to bother me, and that leaving me alone wasn't that important. It seemed easier to help them with the request, when in reality I was training them to not respect my alone time. I'm not saying that you are doing this, but it's one thought I had. Once I started being not so nice about it, they eventually got the hint.

 

The other thing is, there has got to be a way to train your son to give you an hour or two a day, while DH is working and DD is at school. Again, I don't know your situation but maybe start with 15 minutes and work from there. Again, be firm about it. Do not cave, don't feel guilty.

 

The last thing, that was HUGE for me was the insanely social extended family. I had a very hard time with this, but I finally realized that it was all the weekend socializing that was the real problem. My family had these ridiculous expectations, and I simply could not spend all weekend with extended family and stay sane. I would really urge you to drop as many weekend social things as possible. Best case scenario, send DH and the kids with your love and regrets. Be clear it's about you and not them. Do not explain yourself, do not apologize. I found that when I finally quit the majority of family socializing, I was going less crazy with my own family. I needed less down time, and was less stressed at home. The extended family will not be happy about it, but they will get used to it.

Good luck, and I hope you can find some solutions! :grouphug:

[ForeverFamily]

I haven't read all the posts so sorry if I repeating anything. Im glad to hear that I am not the only one that feels the need to have quiet alone time. I often stay up late at night to get some alone time, but not getting enough sleep is not helping me either. Thankfully my DH will often do something with the girls on Saturdays while a get a few minutes of peace and quiet. Computer time is also a retreat for me as well. To the OP, is it possible for you to move the computer you use into a different room?

Edited February 24, 2012 by ForeverFamily

[JumpyTheFrog]

You need to start being firmer with your family.

 

1. Buy noise canceling headphones.

2. Announce when you will be available again.

3. Put a sign next to you with info from number 2.

4. Completely ignore anyone who talks to you during the scheduled time. Do not respond in any way.

[MamaSheep]

I can't stress the importance of having "me" time when you are homeschooling, specifically alone time, when you are an introvert.

 

I was going crazy a few years ago, and made some changes. So, these suggestions may not work for you, but they did for me.

 

First, how nice are you being when people break your boundaries about your alone time? You need to start being firmer with your family. I know when I first started to have "alone time" I felt guilty and caved far too much. I trained my DH and my DD that it was okay to bother me, and that leaving me alone wasn't that important. It seemed easier to help them with the request, when in reality I was training them to not respect my alone time. I'm not saying that you are doing this, but it's one thought I had. Once I started being not so nice about it, they eventually got the hint.

 

The other thing is, there has got to be a way to train your son to give you an hour or two a day, while DH is working and DD is at school. Again, I don't know your situation but maybe start with 15 minutes and work from there. Again, be firm about it. Do not cave, don't feel guilty.

 

The last thing, that was HUGE for me was the insanely social extended family. I had a very hard time with this, but I finally realized that it was all the weekend socializing that was the real problem. My family had these ridiculous expectations, and I simply could not spend all weekend with extended family and stay sane. I would really urge you to drop as many weekend social things as possible. Best case scenario, send DH and the kids with your love and regrets. Be clear it's about you and not them. Do not explain yourself, do not apologize. I found that when I finally quit the majority of family socializing, I was going less crazy with my own family. I needed less down time, and was less stressed at home. The extended family will not be happy about it, but they will get used to it.

Good luck, and I hope you can find some solutions! :grouphug:

Good thoughts. I probably have been too nice about the "just this once" and "just for half a second" interruptions. There was a time a while back when dh stuck his head in to ask what he should do about something and I said, "Just do whatever you would do if I was dead and you couldn't ask me." And he said, "That is not funny!" and got all concerned that I might be suicidal (and you can't leave someone alone if they're suicidal, right? Gah!). But I think you're right that they just don't any of them understand how serious this is for me.

 

Ds is really pretty good about letting me have time during the day as long as he knows what he should be doing and is sure he knows how to do it. He does need to be able to come get me if he runs into a snag, though, which makes it hard to just let go and do the "zen" thing that is what refills me, because if I'm in that mode interruptions are almost physically jarring and if it happens too much I feel like I've been stuck in a paint mixer all day. But if I'm going to be his teacher, I need to at least be available for consultation. One thing that makes it difficult is that he really has a window of time from about 9am to around 3pm when he is really fresh and clear-headed and able to work himself. I do have a little time after breakfast and getting dd off to school, but dh wants to spend it chatting about plans for the day (which really is not a bad idea). Then I do school with ds while he can focus on it (the autism and anxiety disorder issues he copes with don't make it easy for him, poor chap), and he has an outside class in the afternoons so we have to have the rest of his work done by about 1:30 so we can get there in time. We get home at about the same time dd gets home from school, at which point she wants to tell me about her day (and I want her to feel like she can). Then kids want snacks, and to have friends over and whatnot, and dd needs help with her homework, and the dog needs to go out, and before I know it, it's time to start cooking supper. After supper dh and the kids often take care of the dishes and leftovers so I don't have to, and that gives me long enough to...y'know...use the bathroom without trying to problem-solve from behind the closed door. After supper everyone wants me to play a game with them, or read a story, or watch this news report, or whatever, and then dh thinks we need some couple time after dd is in bed (ds leaves us alone and goes to bed on time on his own--how awesome is that?). Which leaves me between midnight and 3am to be alone...lol. I just don't know where to start carving.

 

But yeah, ds would probably leave me mostly alone during a good chunk of the day. Especially if he could play video games...hee hee. But when I'm not actively involved in school, dh wants to talk. Especially these days when work is slow (somebody please fix the economy so he has enough work to keep him busy!).

 

I suppose it is fortunate in some ways that we don't live close to extended family from either side. A highly social weekend would probably kill me. Church is about all the socializing I can handle by the time the week is over.

[DaffodilDreams]

I stay sane by staying up way too late.

[Shellydon]

It is hard, but I think it is just as hard if you work or stay home. If you have kids, alone time just isn't part of the equation for a season. That is how I cope, is just remembering that it is a season that will pass and in a decade I will have more alone time that I probably want. Hugs.

[Amy in TX]

The last thing, that was HUGE for me was the insanely social extended family. I had a very hard time with this, but I finally realized that it was all the weekend socializing that was the real problem. My family had these ridiculous expectations, and I simply could not spend all weekend with extended family and stay sane. I would really urge you to drop as many weekend social things as possible. Best case scenario, send DH and the kids with your love and regrets. Be clear it's about you and not them. Do not explain yourself, do not apologize. I found that when I finally quit the majority of family socializing, I was going less crazy with my own family. I needed less down time, and was less stressed at home. The extended family will not be happy about it, but they will get used to it.

Good luck, and I hope you can find some solutions! :grouphug:

 

Yep, skip some events and don't apologize. BTDT. :)

[Kathryn]

I have the same problem, only with small clingy, loud children and a husband who thinks that I should be so happy that I get to stay home that once the children go to bed I should be at his beck and call. Occasionally, I get so overloaded that I break down crying or yelling and then he tells me to go out by myself. I don't want to. I just want to be left alone. I never take him up on it. I never thought of the library. I'll try that next time. He truly doesn't get it. He's an introvert as well, BUT he's never had to deal with the same level of "togetherness" that I have. He's often alone for long stretches of the day in his job. And he hates his job, so he thinks I shouldn't complain because I don't have to work. Sigh.

[Mimm]

My husband takes my kids to Tae Kwon Do on Tuesdays and Thursday nights and I'm alone in the house for a couple hours. It's wonderful. Is this type of thing in any way an option? Some special and regular activity that he can leave the house with the kids and do together?

 

Otherwise, I don't know. My husband is more introverted than I am, and would happily ignore me all evening. :) My ten year old is a very outgoing chatty kid. When she was younger she used to ask question after question after question after question. I know all kids ask questions and I've been around a lot of kids, but nothing like this child. She didn't seem to know how to interact with someone without asking questions. She would run out of questions and re-ask the same questions. At a pretty young age I started saying (after a long interrogation) that "I need to be alone with my thoughts." And that would buy me about five or ten minutes of relative quiet.

[ChristusG]

Wow....so much said on these posts describes me perfectly!

 

I find myself staying up late at night often. I love when everyone else is sleeping and I can do whatever I want without feeling like someone is going to need something from me. I just need to be able to tune out....to completely tune out....without the fear of anyone needing me.

 

DH isn't exactly extroverted, but he is much more outgoing than I am. He actually likes going on business trips, eating dinner with people he barely knows, etc. That would be a nightmare for me. He doesn't need alone time like I do, but he gets it. He commutes 45 minutes each way. He can tune out at home. If he's doing something, he somehow doesn't hear the kids, even if they are in the same room. And anyways, they come to me for everything instead of him. Sometimes they search me out when they need something even though DH may be three feet away from them!

 

I would *so* love if DH would take the kids out on a regular basis. Like most people here, I don't want to have to be the one to go out. I want to stay home to read a book, look up things on the internet, scrapbook, make lesson plans....shoot, even clean the house! He just gets home so late each day that weekdays wouldn't work for us. Maybe he can start planning something to do with the big kids sometimes on the weekends.