Impish Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 *sigh* MIL called last night. Wolf talked to her. It's a constant stream of complaints. She can't get the temp up in her apt. The roof of the apt is leaking, and has been for wks. Apparently, it's finally being fixed this wknd. She's falling in the apt. I suck...b/c my first reaction was to wonder how much of this is actually true. I kept my thoughts to myself though. The problem is, the history w/MIL. She's overdramatised things before. Made up issues that weren't accurate, and then acted innocent and denying that she'd ever said such a thing, she was misunderstood. Two quick examples: when we were first married, any time I disagreed w/MIL about *anything* she'd suddenly have an asthma attack on the phone. When I quit backing down and getting all alarmed, instead saying, "Wow, you sound unwell. I'll let you go so you can go lay down." and hanging up, suddenly the asthma attacks stopped. She hasn't had one on the phone w/me in yrs now. She uses a walker, says she can't manage w/out it...yet when she visits, she NEVER uses it. She told Wolf last spring that she'd applied to assisted living. He told her he thought it was a great idea, etc. Turns out, she didn't apply at all, and just recently admitted to that. She was trying to pressure him into inviting her to live w/us, by threatening to go to assisted living. And the other thing...all her crisises have ramped up hugely since Boo was born. I mean, there's not a week that goes by w/out a min of 2 crisises. Wolf has explained to her, over and over again, that he can't sort things out for her...we live in another province, and there's nothing he can do about any of this from here, and even if he went there (which we cannot afford) he couldn't do anything about her roof, heating, etc. I really dislike the fact that I'm suspicious of what she's saying. I hate the fact that my knee jerk reaction is to wonder how much of this she's blowing out of proportion, or completely making up. I don't like that my instinctive reaction is to think 'manipulation'. I keep my mouth shut. I'm not proud of my initial thoughts. Part of me wants to let go of past behaviours...the lies, manipulations, etc. Part of me thinks that doing that will only leave us vulnerable to more...the whole, 'best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour' thing. I just feel like a lousy person right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 Don't manipulate yourself into feeling badly because you recognize her manipulative patterns. If she lives in an apartment, there is an apartment manager to complain to and to handle the repairs. And you know that she either has or could get a walker to keep herself from falling. You know that she loves herself too much to let herself suffer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nukeswife Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 DO NOT feel guilty for feeling the way you do or your initial reactions. I'm a firm believer that we teach people how to treat us by our actions, and she's taught you to treat her as a person to be wary of, as a person to can not be trusted and as a manipulator. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinD Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 My first mother in law was A LOT like yours. Don't allow yourself to feel bad. You have reason, good reason, to think the things that you do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 sometimes we have similar issues with dh's dad...(and we live in the same house :glare:) whenever he feels noone cares enough for him or feels neglected (totally not true-but in his mind it is) he will have health issues-or "falling" incidents--- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 It's right to be cautious when a person has deceived you in the past. We deal with this with FIL. We want to be loving and responsible children, but we never know what to believe. It's very hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 I would suggest she gets one of those life alert services. So if she falls, then someone else comes and checks on her. If it is real falls, then she will get medical attention. If it isn't real falls, then you have some objective person involved. I have had elderly relatives and falls have cause them to go down hill in health. Even ones that seem healthy will be totally changed by a bad fall. Plus it you suggest a logical solution that doesn't cave to what your MIL wants, then you'll know if it is a ploy or real. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 Is she prone to panic attacks? People who experience anxiety acutely will have ashtmatic symptoms, the chest tightens and it does feel like you can't breathe...once you remove the stressor, most the time things ease up.. I think you've just come to the point where the majority of the interactions with her have been poor...it's only natural for you to expect poor when you mostly receive poor. Playing the Pollyanna glad game with people like this is tough...just acknowledge to yourself when you actually take a better thinking about her...if only we had people (on our shoulders) to praise us when we think/say the right thing....you're going to have to be that to yourself and help find a few areas where you can 'let it slide' more easily....and you can always fall back on distance makes the heart grow fonder :) :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denise in Florida Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 ((((hugs)))) no advice just :grouphug: And NO you are not a bad person and you do not suck! You are acknowledging reality and doing the best for your family, your dh and kids are the priority not MIL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: You definitely don't suck! :grouphug::group hug: Hang in there...families are hard work! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted February 4, 2012 Author Share Posted February 4, 2012 Thanks everyone. She used to have home health care, but the impression I get (she's extremely evasive when Wolf asks) is that she's quit that. I know Wolf and I have discussed her getting a Life Alert system or similar, but I don't know if he's mentioned it to her or not...I'll follow up on that w/him. The problem I've discovered w/letting things slide w/her is that it only increases the hysterics and demands. I don't know if she has panic attacks, but having hysterics when ppl don't do exactly what she wants, the moment she wants it, is apparently a lifetime behaviour model, according to Wolf and her sibs that I've met. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 DO NOT feel guilty for feeling the way you do or your initial reactions. I'm a firm believer that we teach people how to treat us by our actions, and she's taught you to treat her as a person to be wary of, as a person to can not be trusted and as a manipulator. :iagree: The stories you've shared with us show her in that light as well. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2denj Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 DO NOT feel guilty for feeling the way you do or your initial reactions. I'm a firm believer that we teach people how to treat us by our actions, and she's taught you to treat her as a person to be wary of, as a person to can not be trusted and as a manipulator. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 For you to see past her manipulations, etc, you would have to have concrete evidence that she has changed. If you suspect / know that nothing has changed why would you NOT be suspicious? Don't go on this guilt trip. You need to have a clear line in your head where you know what is your part and responsibility in this relationship and what she brings to the table. You cannot change her behavior but it would be very unhealthy if you blamed yourself for drawing the logical conclusions based on her behavior patterns. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted February 4, 2012 Author Share Posted February 4, 2012 Problem is, she IS elderly. She's in her mid 80s...this is the time for things like falls to rear their ugly heads. Instead of simply being worried about her welfare, I'm suspicious. Esp since she didn't have any falls until after Boo was born...and didn't mention anything about it in emails to me, only in phone calls w/Wolf. I guess I'm wishing that the relationship was different, healthier...but not seeing how that could be accomplished. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 (edited) Of course you wish it was healthy. Would be nice if she called, laughed and cried with you and supported you. So she is eighty...and perhaps that changes one thing: she is at an age where she likely needs help even if she lies about things. She is either a compulsive liar that got to eighty or her mind is failing now and she contradicts herself. From your previous posts I was under the impression that there is a long-time pattern of extreme manipulation, verbal abuse and lying / making things up to suit the whim of the moment. I think the best thing you both could do is help her in finding an assisted living situation. Physically she should be taken care of in such a facility (I am in the U.S and don't know if "Assisted Living" in Canada means the same as here) if she falls, someone will be there, if she forgets things or is very confused, staff will know how to deal with it. You can visit and love her but you need not be thrown into guilt trips and have your (very demanding) life further complicated. You just had a baby and you have a chronic disease. IMHO, you need some peace of mind (that she is safe) and some space to preserve your sanity for your family. I would not want my future daughter in law become stressed about me when she is taking care of my grandchildren and son. Edited February 4, 2012 by Liz CA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted February 4, 2012 Author Share Posted February 4, 2012 Of course you wish it was healthy. Would be nice if she called, laughed and cried with you and supported you. So she is eighty...and perhaps that changes one thing: she is at an age where she likely needs help even if she lies about things. She is either a compulsive liar that got to eighty or her mind is failing now and she contradicts herself. From your previous posts I was under the impression that there is a long-time pattern of extreme manipulation, verbal abuse and lying / making things up to suit the whim of the moment. I think the best thing you both could do is help her in finding an assisted living situation. Physically she should be taken care of in such a facility (I am in the U.S and don't know if "Assisted Living" in Canada means the same as here) if she falls, someone will be there, if she forgets things or is very confused, staff will know how to deal with it. You can visit and love her but you need not be thrown into guilt trips and have your (very demanding) life further complicated. You just had a baby and you have a chronic disease. IMHO, you need some peace of mind (that she is safe) and some space to preserve your sanity for your family. Problem is, she's not declared mentally incompetant, so there's diddly we can do. She lied about applying for assisted living. Unless or until she either chooses to go to assisted living, OR things take a dramatic turn (ie she shows herself to be in danger to an impartial observer, or breaks a hip) that it's determined she's a safety risk to live independantly, there's nothing anyone can do. Yes, her lying and manipulation is a long term thing, not something just in the last few yrs. It's a pattern over her lifetime. B/c of the distance, we can't go visit her...it's out of our financial ability. Even though she's manipulative, etc, I do worry about her health and safety, then find myself wondering how much of what she says is true, and how much is made up for attention, and to try and pressure Wolf and I into offering to have her come live w/us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zebra Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 You don't suck, your MIL does. It's smart to be wary of messed up people. If you were a mouse in a snake cage and you said, "Gee, I think the snake has learned its lesson and this time it won't eat me...." you would be lunch. Maybe you should forgive the snake for being a snake, and not take it personally....but not getting yourself in the cage in the first place is only common sense! If that made any sense...my point being emotional self-protection is a very important thing ;)! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celticmom Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 For you to see past her manipulations, etc, you would have to have concrete evidence that she has changed.If you suspect / know that nothing has changed why would you NOT be suspicious? Don't go on this guilt trip. You need to have a clear line in your head where you know what is your part and responsibility in this relationship and what she brings to the table. You cannot change her behavior but it would be very unhealthy if you blamed yourself for drawing the logical conclusions based on her behavior patterns. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in TN Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 We never know what to believe when my in-laws tell us things that are going on. They belong to the "Our Family Members Are Perfect and Anything Negative That Happens is the Fault of Others and Most Likely Due to Persecution Because We are Christians" club. After a while you just don't know what to believe, so everything is suspicious. You don't suck. You're simply smart enough to keep an eye out for traps. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 :grouphug: Don't feel guilty. You are suspicious of your mil because she has proved herself to be untrustworthy and manipulative over and over again and again. You have said yourself it is doubtful if she can or will ever change and from what you have shared I agree. Distance is your friend in this case . . . for the sake of your family. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celticmom Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 I don't know anything about the syste in Canada but is there any way you can contact a social worker to do a welfare check. That way you get the objective information you want but she doesn't necessarily get what she wants. If she truly needs help the social worker can discuss her options with her. Also if her cognitive function declines she on the radar so to speak. That can be trickier to detect than normal in those who already have Issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted February 4, 2012 Author Share Posted February 4, 2012 Thanks again for the responses. Reading and thinking, I think I've figured out what my problem is. I find myself having to supress my natural inclinations. I mean...I worked in long term care, and in nursing homes. Taking care of ppl, esp the elderly, is what I DID. I was good at it. I had families tell me how happy they were w/what I did, how I did it, and even had several write letters to my supervisor commenting on how good I was w/their family member. To be acting completely opposite w/MIL bothers me, regardless of if it is reasonable, understandable, protective of my family, etc. It's not who I've strived to be, if that makes any sense. It's not the kind of person that I believed myself to be, or who I want to be...but I realize that I really don't have any other options in this situation. And I dislike that someone else's actions have caused me to change, even if it's just in dealing w/them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 :grouphug:You are just being human; she has burned you many times in the past and naturally, you try to protect your family. (One of those little boy who called wolf one too many times.) I totally understand feeling disheartened that you are being boxed into a corner of reacting to her pleas with a jaded heart, leaving you feeling guilty for not being your most generous self. However, sweetie you do not want her worming her way into becoming your ward; that would be a 24/7 nightmare. You can love and honor her without becoming her care giver. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 I just feel like a lousy person right now. Then she just got what she wanted, didn't she? Don't even give her that. There comes a time you just have to say, "bless your heart" and forget about it. If you let her get to you, she wins. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 I haven't read any of the other comments, but I will say that it sounds like your skepticism is an excellent way of practicing self-preservation. Keep it up!:thumbup: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 (edited) Hey Imp, you do realize that, at this moment.... she is winning? (eta - just read Audrey's post - yes, your MIL would be feeling smug right now, I believe) In the most loving way, I will exhort you to just get over it! :grouphug:I know it isn't easy, but you know full well what she's capable of. Leave the tenderheatedness for Wolf, it's his mom. Let him be the truth barometer. Now go snug up with your own kiddies. Edited February 4, 2012 by AuntieM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
treestarfae Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 I'm not getting what's the worst that happens when you help her? What's so horrible that happens? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
usetoschool Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 http://www.amazon.com/How-Hug-Porcupine-Difficult-Personalities/dp/1891114344/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top Maybe this is at your library? Sorry you have to deal with the constant stress of this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terabith Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 Um, Imp, that's not sucking. That makes perfect sense and I would think you were kinda nuts if you were NOT asking, "How much of this is true?" Why on earth would you expect veracity from someone who has never been anything but untruthful and manipulative? It sucks, but the suckiness is on her, not you!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athomemom Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 :grouphug: My dad is manipulative. It's much easier for someone to tell you not to feel guilty that's not in your shoes. I feel guilty (even though it's not my fault) all too often. The harsh reality is that you cannot change your MIL. Accept the relationship as it is & move on. Without guilt! She lives too far away and you cannot afford her care. Can Wolf's siblings step in and care for her? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zaichiki Posted February 5, 2012 Share Posted February 5, 2012 If you were a mouse in a snake cage and you said, "Gee, I think the snake has learned its lesson and this time it won't eat me...." you would be lunch. :lol::lol::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted February 5, 2012 Author Share Posted February 5, 2012 Then she just got what she wanted, didn't she? Don't even give her that. There comes a time you just have to say, "bless your heart" and forget about it. If you let her get to you, she wins. You're right, Audrey. Thanks. I haven't read any of the other comments, but I will say that it sounds like your skepticism is an excellent way of practicing self-preservation. Keep it up!:thumbup: :lol: Hey Imp, you do realize that, at this moment.... she is winning? (eta - just read Audrey's post - yes, your MIL would be feeling smug right now, I believe) In the most loving way, I will exhort you to just get over it! :grouphug:I know it isn't easy, but you know full well what she's capable of. Leave the tenderheatedness for Wolf, it's his mom. Let him be the truth barometer. Now go snug up with your own kiddies. Did one better...Wolf brought me home flowers, and then took me out on a date :D I'm not getting what's the worst that happens when you help her? What's so horrible that happens? What's so horrible? She spreads lies about us. She yanks on my bad arm, repeatedly, and on purpose, and then complains about how rude I am when the pain sends me to bed. She tries to manipulate Wolf and I against each other. She demands constant access and input on every single decision we make, might make...She insults our parenting, disrespcts us as adults, married cpl, and parents. She demands to be the centre of everything, at all times. She throws a fit if we pay more attention to anyone, including our children, than her. Or rather, if she THINKS we pay more attention...which is to say, if we're not having our focus solely on her at all times. Nothing we do is ever enough. Ever. If we talk to her daily, then she wants twice a day. If we talk to her for a half hour, she complains it wasn't an hr. We dare to disagree w/her, tell her no, and it's a meltdown. That's kinda the short version. The best thing we've managed to come up w/is to keep her at a distance as best we can. I refuse to discuss my health w/her, and have asked Wolf to do the same. She uses my health issues to get attention from extended family and her entire church. Kindness seems to be taken as vulnerability...if you try and be kind, she takes it and runs, demanding more, more, more, more, and then throws a fit and tells everyone how horrid you are when you finally have to say ENOUGH. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alphabetika Posted February 5, 2012 Share Posted February 5, 2012 You're not lousy, just wise. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted February 5, 2012 Share Posted February 5, 2012 You don't suck, your MIL does. It's smart to be wary of messed up people. If you were a mouse in a snake cage and you said, "Gee, I think the snake has learned its lesson and this time it won't eat me...." you would be lunch. ;)! I had a response all typed out and then the Internet disconnected. Then I saw the above. Perfectly said. The sooner you and Wolf stop letting her have that power over you, the better off you both will be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
treestarfae Posted February 5, 2012 Share Posted February 5, 2012 There's no possible way to get her doctor to do an evaluation? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted February 5, 2012 Share Posted February 5, 2012 You don't suck. A body can only do so much. You have to do what you can to make sure she doesn't overrun your lives. The only thing I can suggest would be in regards to her apartment troubles. Can Wolf call the apt. manager and get the real scoop about the heating/roof problems. That way he can say he has done something and you will feel better knowing that she really has heat and really doesn't have a leaky roof. And anytime something like this comes up if Wolf can do an end run around her and go straight to the source he can have a reasonable response ready. Something like, "I spoke to the ____ who said that problem will be fixed by___. You'll be fine. I'll call and check on you in a few days." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted February 5, 2012 Author Share Posted February 5, 2012 There's no possible way to get her doctor to do an evaluation? We live in another province. She's 16 hrs away...one way. Through the mountains. Not a trip we can afford to make, or that we would be comfortable making in Canada, in the winter. We tried to get her to see our Dr when she was visiting, the idea being that when she's here, she'd have someone to go to rather than a walk in clinic, and he was willing to do some cognitive tests on her, but she flat refused to go. Her behaviour has been like this all her life, from what I understand. I'm concerned that it's increasing...but at the same time, the crisises seem to have hit w/Boo being born. You don't suck. A body can only do so much. You have to do what you can to make sure she doesn't overrun your lives. The only thing I can suggest would be in regards to her apartment troubles. Can Wolf call the apt. manager and get the real scoop about the heating/roof problems. That way he can say he has done something and you will feel better knowing that she really has heat and really doesn't have a leaky roof. And anytime something like this comes up if Wolf can do an end run around her and go straight to the source he can have a reasonable response ready. Something like, "I spoke to the ____ who said that problem will be fixed by___. You'll be fine. I'll call and check on you in a few days." I'll mention this to Wolf. Again, being in a different province, I'm not sure we can find the information to contact the apt mgr from here, but it's worth a shot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
treestarfae Posted February 5, 2012 Share Posted February 5, 2012 You need to alert her doctor of her mental status and elderly issues. You guys don't have communication with her doctor and she's elderly? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted February 5, 2012 Author Share Posted February 5, 2012 Privacy laws won't allow the Dr to communicate w/us...we can say whatever we want, but she has to give permission for him to tell us anything, and she won't do that. She won't even give us her Drs name. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted February 5, 2012 Share Posted February 5, 2012 :grouphug: to you, Imp! You definitely do NOT suck! The issue here is, and has been, your MIL. She has a track record, and she is consistently maintaining it. As others have said, she has ways to circumvent all this on her own, but she's trying to get you and Wolf to cave. Hang in there as you are dealing with someone who is so unhealthy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted February 5, 2012 Share Posted February 5, 2012 I'll mention this to Wolf. Again, being in a different province, I'm not sure we can find the information to contact the apt mgr from here, but it's worth a shot. Maybe if Wolf approaches it as he is on her side and wants to talk man-to-man to get his poor mom (wink, wink) situated she will spill with the info. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasar31629 Posted February 5, 2012 Share Posted February 5, 2012 Did you feel sorry for the townspeople who didn't come to the aid of the lying boy in the boy who cried wolf story? Or did you feel that the kid sorta had it coming? Now if he wanted to check with a neighbor or landlord on the sly to verify to be sure, that's fine. But I wouldn't feel one bit of guilt whatsoever in being quite wary of her claims and complaints. It's the responsible thing to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted February 5, 2012 Author Share Posted February 5, 2012 Maybe if Wolf approaches it as he is on her side and wants to talk man-to-man to get his poor mom (wink, wink) situated she will spill with the info. I'll sugget that to him, thanks! Honestly, I feel a bit 'duh' for not thinking of it myself, but being caught in the situation, I honestly don't see everything clearly. Did you feel sorry for the townspeople who didn't come to the aid of the lying boy in the boy who cried wolf story? Or did you feel that the kid sorta had it coming? Now if he wanted to check with a neighbor or landlord on the sly to verify to be sure, that's fine. But I wouldn't feel one bit of guilt whatsoever in being quite wary of her claims and complaints. It's the responsible thing to do. I think the reason I'm so suspicious is two fold: One, it's all happened since Boo was born...MIL threw a huge hissy when she found out we were having another baby. Two, she's now admitted that she didn't apply for assisted living...so what was the point of claiming she did? I suspect that it was to try and force Wolf into panicking and offering for her to come live w/us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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