Sigh relative wants to cut off contact because of late thank-you notes...

[momto2Cs]

Oh good grief.

 

:iagree:

[Zebra]

They obviously have some sort of gripe with you they want you to ask them about, or just want some drama. It's childish, annoying, and a waste of your precious life. Treat them like a toddler having a temper tantrum, and ignore it. I wouldn't initiate contact with them, and I would decide now if you are going to respond to them if they contact you and pretend it didn't happen.

 

Good riddance, I say. Life is too short. ;)

[annandatje]

We had a horrific December and January. Crazy schedule, running a family member out-of-state weekly (including the day after Christmas) for treatment. I work and homeschool, so life is nuts as it is.

 

Yesterday I get a letter breaking off contact because we didn't call and our Christmas thank-you notes were late. I actually mailed them the same day that the individual mailed their letter, so they've received them.

 

Sigh. Later today I'll send them an email to the effect that if they want to do this, that is fine. If our relationship is based on thank-you notes, it wasn't much to begin with.

 

Aren't relationships lovely?

 

This advice is being written from the perspective of someone who has bore yet another unwarranted rant from a relative who cannot be cut out of my life due to certain circumstances:

 

Consider yourself fortunate that the person is cutting off contact with you. Do not acknowledge the situation with any followup email.

[kwickimom]

We had a horrific December and January. Crazy schedule, running a family member out-of-state weekly (including the day after Christmas) for treatment. I work and homeschool, so life is nuts as it is.

 

Yesterday I get a letter breaking off contact because we didn't call and our Christmas thank-you notes were late. I actually mailed them the same day that the individual mailed their letter, so they've received them.

 

Sigh. Later today I'll send them an email to the effect that if they want to do this, that is fine. If our relationship is based on thank-you notes, it wasn't much to begin with.

 

Aren't relationships lovely?

 

man, I WISH this would work on my in-laws :lol::lol::lol:

[kitten18]

Ugh, pet peeve! You don't give gifts because you want something, even a thank you, in return. I'd rather have nothing than receive a gift with strings attached.

 

:iagree:

 

 

 

I mean, the way to break contact is to not call someone or write. Since the complaint is that you don't call or write, then why don't they also not call or write? Then there won't be any contact, right?

 

It seems very "grand standing" to me to do this in these circumstances. If you were calling all the time and they wanted you to stop, then they would have to say something. Since you aren't calling, they don't need to announce a severing of ties. So why are they doing it? For attention. To punish you. To feel "closure." It's so childish and stupid, and I would frankly just ignore them, because what this person really really wants it attention. They feel ignored, so they are reaching out to say, "I am breaking contact." I would, childish I know, continue to ignore them because that's probably the thing they most hate:)

:lol: So true.

[Laurie4b]

We had a horrific December and January. Crazy schedule, running a family member out-of-state weekly (including the day after Christmas) for treatment. I work and homeschool, so life is nuts as it is.

 

Yesterday I get a letter breaking off contact because we didn't call and our Christmas thank-you notes were late. I actually mailed them the same day that the individual mailed their letter, so they've received them.

 

Sigh. Later today I'll send them an email to the effect that if they want to do this, that is fine. If our relationship is based on thank-you notes, it wasn't much to begin with.

 

Aren't relationships lovely?

 

I've had this happen recently --not a threat of a cut-off but a tsunami of a reaction.

 

I would just write and say that I was sorry that the notes were late. I would not ask them to reconsider their decision to cut you off. That is vicious and I would not reinforce it. If they decide to reconsider, then you'll go from there.

 

One of the things I would do if they decide to continue is to ask them not to send any gifts but to put the money that they would have spent toward gifts to you for the homeless. (This is ONLY if they reconsider. I would not put it in the first response.) That gets rid of strings and stuff to hold over your head and anxiety about how soon to get a thank you done.

 

Someone who would threaten to cut me off for the first minor infraction is not someone who is safe. So I would keep my distance even if they do re-establish contact. Keep it civil. Be loving in action toward the person, but know who you are dealing with.

 

This is to some extent a generational thing. People of an older generation seem to revere thank you notes in a way that I'll never understand. I actually HATE to receive them. To me, it says the relationship is on a very formal, shallow level if a verbal thank you wasn't deemed sufficient. I've only received one in my whole life that I enjoyed getting. Most are a formulaic formality. That is not to diss anyone who sends them or likes to receive them. It's just my own reaction. I always ask brides, etc NOT to send them, usually putting that on the card.

[Guest submarines]

This advice is being written from the perspective of someone who has bore yet another unwarranted rant from a relative who cannot be cut out of my life due to certain circumstances:

 

Consider yourself fortunate that the person is cutting off contact with you. Do not acknowledge the situation with any followup email.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[SKL]

And here, I was feeling a bit mean for "only" buying my step-grand-nieces/nephews one gift each this Christmas, after nobody in that family acknowledged anything they got NOR bought my kids anything last year. :glare:

 

To make you feel a little better, I took many months to send out thank-yous from my grad school graduation. I felt so bad, I thought maybe it would be best to crawl under a rock and never come out. But I drew myself up and sent them out very late, apologizing for the lateness. As far as I know, nobody ever said a word about it - certainly not to me. Life goes on!

[G5052]

You've all given me a lot to think about.

 

I'm going to give it a few days, but right now I'm thinking just a simple email to say that I'm sorry that the notes were late, and if this is distressing to them as it seems, they probably shouldn't give us gifts any more. And I'll leave the rest to them.

 

More than that would feed the fire IMHO. This is a powerful person, one who pushes buttons in relationships, but who has always respected me in the past. They are also one who has many "friends," but has admitted to me that they don't have any 24/7 friends like I do. They also live a life of ease with relative health, a weekly housekeeper, international travel, and no financial worries. Not my life at all.

[Mrs Mungo]

I'm going to give it a few days, but right now I'm thinking just a simple email to say that I'm sorry that the notes were late, and if this is distressing to them as it seems, they probably shouldn't give us gifts any more. And I'll leave the rest to them.

 

This is probably the best thing for you to do. :grouphug:

[OnTheBrink]

Ugh, pet peeve! You don't give gifts because you want something, even a thank you, in return. I'd rather have nothing than receive a gift with strings attached.

 

I'd write a very nice letter agreeing with the loon. 'You are right. This relationship is toxic. It is best to make a clean break. I wish you well in life."

 

:iagree:

 

:iagree: I would suspect the person may be mentally ill. This actually brings back fond memories of my MIL, who complains if we don't write a thank you note for every thing she ever does, but has never written one note to us for any gift we've ever given her. Amazing, just amazing.

 

Lisa

 

:iagree: This relative sounds like my narcissistic mother.

 

IMHO, when you receive a gift from someone, it is rude to delay (or neglect) sending a thank you note (not that I always send them promptly myself – but I think I am rude when I do not). But when you give a gift, it is also rude to expect any note in response, much less to count the days.

 

So, while I don’t think their response is appropriate, you said yourself that your thank-you notes were late (which is also inappropriate). If I were you, I would handle their rebuke humbly and graciously, and practice peace. While on the one hand I don’t let myself get walked on or manipulated, I also don’t allow other people’s inappropriate responses to ruffle my feathers and make me respond in kind (which I think any kind of snarky response would be). Be in control of your own response, don’t just be reactive to the other person.

 

I’d write a note asking their forgiveness. Do not offer any excuses, and do not say anything snarky. I’d send something like this:

 

Dear so-and-so,

Thank you for your recent letter. You are correct that our Christmas thank you notes were quite late. I am sorry, and am appropriately humbled by your rebuke. In fact, I thank you for it, as it will spur me to be a better parent by more faithfully teaching my children to show appreciation for what they are given. Will you please forgive us?

We are sad that you want to cut off contact with us, and we hope that you will reconsider.

Blessings,

<us>

 

No idea whether you are a Christian, but here are a few verses I would meditate on while contemplating your response:

 

I completely disagree with this. This only feeds into the "offended" relative's sense of self-importance. This was not an appropriate, loving rebuke from another Christian; this was an emotional power play, and personally, I don't play into them. The gift recipient did nothing wrong and the gift giver, instead of showing grace and compassion, chose to have a hissy fit and take her toys and go home.

 

Cutting ties with a toxic relationship is not returning evil for evil. It actually prevents that very scenario. People can only take so much.

[Mommy22alyns]

I'm sorry. :grouphug: My mom did something similar right before Christmas. I remain shocked that she would be willing to lose her only grandchildren over pettiness.

[Laurie4b]

You've all given me a lot to think about.

 

I'm going to give it a few days, but right now I'm thinking just a simple email to say that I'm sorry that the notes were late, and if this is distressing to them as it seems, they probably shouldn't give us gifts any more. And I'll leave the rest to them.

 

More than that would feed the fire IMHO. This is a powerful person, one who pushes buttons in relationships, but who has always respected me in the past. They are also one who has many "friends," but has admitted to me that they don't have any 24/7 friends like I do. They also live a life of ease with relative health, a weekly housekeeper, international travel, and no financial worries. Not my life at all.

 

The person that you describe has several similar qualities to the person in my life who made a tsunami out of the issue. We made the mistake of trying to explain too much and things we said that were meant to be conciliatory ended up eliciting another artillery blast. That was about a year ago. Within the past month, a similar level issue came up and we kept our response polite and as short as humanly possible to avoid anything that could be taken the wrong way to start still another round.

 

I would NOT put the part in about "if this is as distressing as it seems, it's best not to give us gifts." That will likely be seen as snarky and start round 2.

 

(Partly because "if this is as distressing as it seems" makes it her problem by being distressed and then you'll get the whole shebang about how these are standards of ettiquette, not her personal distress level, etc. The other thing that could be taken wrong is "it's best not to send us gifts" can be turned around to be a lack of appreciation for prior gifts because you are giving them up so easily. You might say, "We appreciate your dedication to the homeless and would be honored to have what you would have spent on us go to them." If you're hoping to receive gifts again in the future, I wouldn't say that, but I wouldn't WANT gifts from this person again because of the bungee cords (not just strings!) attached.

[ChristyB in TN]

We don't do thank you notes. Ever.

 

We call, have the kids thank whomever for whatever.

 

Actually, I sent thank you notes out for our wedding gifts, since a) we opened them away from everyone and b) didn't have ph#s for everyone, but MIL gave us mailing addys.

 

The relative is a nut. :grouphug:

 

Yep, same here. I can't even imagine entertaining a personality that would even miss a thank you note, much less have time to call me out on it. Lord, have mercy! I officially have two kids in college now and one in 7th grade, they do their own laundry and clean up after themselves and I JUST NOW have time to sit and write thank you notes...for the first time, ever. I still have friends and family, if you can imagine that! Someone find that person some real problems!

[SKL]

The person that you describe has several similar qualities to the person in my life who made a tsunami out of the issue. We made the mistake of trying to explain too much . . .

 

I have a strategy that I use with people who start out unreasonable and get more ridiculous the more the discussion goes on.

 

I silently tell myself: "lose first." I picture a willow tree allowing the wind to blow it around without resistance.

 

No point trying to end up in such people's good graces. The faster I agree that I am at fault, the faster I can be done with the nonsense and get back to my life.

 

Of course, I'm talking about people I "have" to deal with unless I'm willing to uproot myself and my kids. But I just thought I'd throw that out there. A person whose ego is that offended by a late thank-you is never going to accept that their feeling of offense might be excessive. Since you're going to lose eventually (in that person's view), might as well "lose first."

[Mynyel]

Dude, it is just a thank you note. A note. The OP said she talked to this person on the phone. Explained things would be crazy.

 

She sent a blasted note, it was late. Good grief. Who cares if it is "late"? Who decided when "late" was for Thank you notes?

 

Getting worked up of something like this is superfluous to me. I have better things t do with my time... like complain about it on the WTM boards! :D

[LostSurprise]

I don't know... maybe I have a different take on this.

 

People under stress say stupid things, do stupid things. I don't know what kind of stress your relative is under. You said she had some medical things with family. Perhaps she feels unappreciated and you happen to be the safe person to dump on.

 

I think you're doing the right thing (note apologizing and offering not to exchange gifts). If I knew this relative well I would call them up and apologize in person...and then ask how they're doing. Maybe they need to vent a bit. Life can be overwhelming. If I didn't know them well I would just send the note and hope when they calmed down the social faux pas would be obvious to them.

 

God knows I've sniped the people closest to me out of all proportion when things were hard. I hope your relative is okay, and that they will live to see their error and make it up to you.

[momto3boys]

I'm actually very disappointed when family members don't send thank you notes (or acknowledge they even received something) but I think I'm in the minority nowadays. I have my boys send thank you notes for all of their gifts within a week if possible...if things are particularly hectic we will call or email but I think a handwritten note is a courtesy that can't be replaced and does not take too much time.

 

That being said your relative over-reacted and sounds like they would have found something to complain about regardless. I would never cut off contact with someone over a thank you note, especially if the gift was acknowledged over the phone...the worst I've done is stop sending gifts. I figure if they (my relatives) consistently can't take the five minutes to let me know they've received a gift I should not take the time to shop, wrap, and mail it.

[Ibbygirl]

We had a horrific December and January. Crazy schedule, running a family member out-of-state weekly (including the day after Christmas) for treatment. I work and homeschool, so life is nuts as it is.

 

Yesterday I get a letter breaking off contact because we didn't call and our Christmas thank-you notes were late. I actually mailed them the same day that the individual mailed their letter, so they've received them.

 

Sigh. Later today I'll send them an email to the effect that if they want to do this, that is fine. If our relationship is based on thank-you notes, it wasn't much to begin with.

 

Aren't relationships lovely?

 

:001_huh: With all the problems in the world she's worried about thank you notes. What kind of a bubble does this woman live in??? :glare:

 

ETA: I think I just might be willing pay money to see her reaction to "Cuban time". :lol:

Edited February 4, 2012 by Ibbygirl

[Joanne]

:iagree:

 

 

 

:iagree: This relative sounds like my narcissistic mother.

 

 

 

I completely disagree with this. This only feeds into the "offended" relative's sense of self-importance. This was not an appropriate, loving rebuke from another Christian; this was an emotional power play, and personally, I don't play into them. The gift recipient did nothing wrong and the gift giver, instead of showing grace and compassion, chose to have a hissy fit and take her toys and go home.

 

Cutting ties with a toxic relationship is not returning evil for evil. It actually prevents that very scenario. People can only take so much.

 

 

We agreed twice this week. WOW! :lol::grouphug:

[G5052]

:iagree: :iagree: This relative sounds like my narcissistic mother.

 

This is the sibling of my narcissistic mother who died four months ago from complications of dementia.

 

I do indeed to stew on this one. That's what threw me. This is EXACTLY the type of thing my mother used to pull, not this relative though.

[5kidsforME]

I don't know... maybe I have a different take on this.

 

People under stress say stupid things, do stupid things. I don't know what kind of stress your relative is under. You said she had some medical things with family. Perhaps she feels unappreciated and you happen to be the safe person to dump on.

 

I think you're doing the right thing (note apologizing and offering not to exchange gifts). If I knew this relative well I would call them up and apologize in person...and then ask how they're doing. Maybe they need to vent a bit. Life can be overwhelming. If I didn't know them well I would just send the note and hope when they calmed down the social faux pas would be obvious to them.

 

God knows I've sniped the people closest to me out of all proportion when things were hard. I hope your relative is okay, and that they will live to see their error and make it up to you.

 

No, from what I understand it is the OP who is under tremendous stress and has something medical going on.

[G5052]

No, from what I understand it is the OP who is under tremendous stress and has something medical going on.

 

My relative is completely healthy, and is financially well of to the point that they hire weekly help for all of the cleaning and yard work. In other words, they have a relatively carefree life. I spoke to them just before Christmas to verify that the gifts had arrived and explained that we would be on the road for several weeks for medical treatments. We truly didn't have a "break" at all because of this.

 

And then I got the scathing letter.

[Jackie in NE]

Seriously???? Your relative needs a life! Or a job. Or both!

[kalanamak]

Seriously???? Your relative needs a life! !

 

Or someone cute in skimpy undies.

[Ibbygirl]

Or someone cute in skimpy undies.

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: Or maybe someone in a kilt. :D

 

[Kirch]

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: Or maybe someone in a kilt. :D

 

 

'Cause, you know, al the world's problems could be solved by pics of men in kilts. :D

[Ibbygirl]

'Cause, you know, al the world's problems could be solved by pics of men in kilts. :D

 

hehehehe You know, I think it just might be possible that they could. :p :lol:

[Jean in Newcastle]

'Cause, you know, al the world's problems could be solved by pics of men in kilts. :D

 

Classically, that is the way they were solved, yes.

[zaichiki]

Dear so-and-so,

Thank you for your recent letter. You are correct that our Christmas thank you notes were quite late. I am sorry, and am appropriately humbled by your rebuke. In fact, I thank you for it, as it will spur me to be a better parent by more faithfully teaching my children to show appreciation for what they are given. Will you please forgive us?

We are sad that you want to cut off contact with us, and we hope that you will reconsider.

Blessings,

<us>

 

:eek:

 

This is SARCASTIC, right?

 

Right???

[zaichiki]

 

 

W. O. W.

[FloridaLisa]

IMHO, when you receive a gift from someone, it is rude to delay (or neglect) sending a thank you note (not that I always send them promptly myself – but I think I am rude when I do not). But when you give a gift, it is also rude to expect any note in response, much less to count the days.

 

So, while I don’t think their response is appropriate, you said yourself that your thank-you notes were late (which is also inappropriate). If I were you, I would handle their rebuke humbly and graciously, and practice peace.

 

I completely disagree. Sometimes, life just happens hard and fast and a person can only do the most important things that bubble to the top. It's absolutely not rude to send a thank you note when it CAN'T bubble to the top because of the very, very important things.

 

My dh passed away unexpectedly in June. We had so many very kind people do so many very kind things for us. I have written note after note after note after note. And you know what? I'm still not done. But, I have done the things WELL that have been at the top -- caring for my 7 kids, taking care of estate issues, dealing with finances, the house, the homeschooling, the future.

 

GVA ~ you have had so much on your plate for so long! Please accept grace from the ONE who matters. Many hugs to you.

 

Lisa

[Kirch]

Classically, that is the way they were solved, yes.

 

Well, I think that was actual men in kilts, not pictures of them. But good point!:lol:

[JennifersLost]

As someone with four kids who tried every year for over a decade to get those darn notes out and failed most of them....I'd rather everyone just stop sending gifts, period, than keep track of whether or not people sent thank yous.

 

I give out just as many gifts to other people's kids as my kids get and I couldn't care less or even remember who said thanks. When I give, it's because I feel like giving! I really believe that if you need a response to a gift, you shouldn't give it - because you actually aren't giving anything; you are angling for something. That's harsh, because I feel like instead of gifts being a lovely thing - they become this "have to" thing, both in the giving and the receiving. Who needs it?

 

I know in a perfect world the kids would write those notes. This year before Christmas I told the kids that it is up to them to remember to write/call or email and if they don't and someone gets upset and stops sending them gifts....fine. It's all on them.

 

I'm fed up with having one more thing I have to do to prove that I'm the perfect parent - or rather, so people in my family can point out how imperfect I am.

 

Basically, these days if someone gets on my case about something like this - "your kids didn't send me a thank you note!" - I just say, "Yes, you're right; my kids suck."

 

People usually back off at that point.

 

(Man I'm cranky. That's because I'm working at 7:45 on a Saturday night!)

[Mimm]

Wow, maybe my family is a bunch of barbarians but we don't do thank you notes. We call and thank the person and we chat for a while. I've never gotten a thank you note for a Christmas gift or whatever. :)

[Ibbygirl]

Wow, maybe my family is a bunch of barbarians but we don't do thank you notes. We call and thank the person and we chat for a while.

 

Add me to the barbarian club too then. :p

[kitten18]

This is to some extent a generational thing. People of an older generation seem to revere thank you notes in a way that I'll never understand. I actually HATE to receive them. To me, it says the relationship is on a very formal, shallow level if a verbal thank you wasn't deemed sufficient. I've only received one in my whole life that I enjoyed getting. Most are a formulaic formality. That is not to diss anyone who sends them or likes to receive them. It's just my own reaction. I always ask brides, etc NOT to send them, usually putting that on the card.

 

 

 

As someone with four kids who tried every year for over a decade to get those darn notes out and failed most of them....I'd rather everyone just stop sending gifts, period, than keep track of whether or not people sent thank yous.

 

I give out just as many gifts to other people's kids as my kids get and I couldn't care less or even remember who said thanks. When I give, it's because I feel like giving! I really believe that if you need a response to a gift, you shouldn't give it - because you actually aren't giving anything; you are angling for something. That's harsh, because I feel like instead of gifts being a lovely thing - they become this "have to" thing, both in the giving and the receiving. Who needs it?

 

 

I TOTALLY AGREE with both these posts.

[RanchGirl]

Since this is out of character for this person, I would just extend a little grace and blow it off. Maybe she was having a kooky day.... we all have them now and then. Pretend it didn't happen, proceed as usual. Assume she has now received your thank you card and is quite contrite.

 

Personally, I wouldn't send an apology since you have nothing to apologize for, and further engagement could exacerbate the drama. Unless she shows otherwise, I would treat the relationship as normal and make the next contact at whatever your typical interval is -- if you send an email once a month, do that next month.

 

If she continues to act like this, or refuses to let this incident go, then I would reconsider but hopefully it was a one time brief moment of ridiculousness and you both can soldier on.

[MotherMayI]

:glare::grouphug: I am so sorry for your loss.

I completely disagree. Sometimes, life just happens hard and fast and a person can only do the most important things that bubble to the top. It's absolutely not rude to send a thank you note when it CAN'T bubble to the top because of the very, very important things.

 

My dh passed away unexpectedly in June. We had so many very kind people do so many very kind things for us. I have written note after note after note after note. And you know what? I'm still not done. But, I have done the things WELL that have been at the top -- caring for my 7 kids, taking care of estate issues, dealing with finances, the house, the homeschooling, the future.

 

GVA ~ you have had so much on your plate for so long! Please accept grace from the ONE who matters. Many hugs to you.

 

Lisa

[Heather in Neverland]

Add me to the barbarian club too then. :p

 

Is there room for me in the club? :D

[Heather in Neverland]

As someone with four kids who tried every year for over a decade to get those darn notes out and failed most of them....I'd rather everyone just stop sending gifts, period, than keep track of whether or not people sent thank yous.

 

I give out just as many gifts to other people's kids as my kids get and I couldn't care less or even remember who said thanks. When I give, it's because I feel like giving! I really believe that if you need a response to a gift, you shouldn't give it - because you actually aren't giving anything; you are angling for something. That's harsh, because I feel like instead of gifts being a lovely thing - they become this "have to" thing, both in the giving and the receiving. Who needs it?

 

I know in a perfect world the kids would write those notes. This year before Christmas I told the kids that it is up to them to remember to write/call or email and if they don't and someone gets upset and stops sending them gifts....fine. It's all on them.

 

I'm fed up with having one more thing I have to do to prove that I'm the perfect parent - or rather, so people in my family can point out how imperfect I am.

 

Basically, these days if someone gets on my case about something like this - "your kids didn't send me a thank you note!" - I just say, "Yes, you're right; my kids suck."

 

People usually back off at that point.

 

(Man I'm cranky. That's because I'm working at 7:45 on a Saturday night!)

 

I love you. :D

 

I couldn't agree more. I give loads of gifts and I haven't the slightest idea who has thanked me and who hasn't and I could not care less. I've got bigger fish to fry.

 

ETA: if someone broke contact with me because I didn't send a thank you note in a timely fashion I would tell them not to let the door hit them on the --- on the way out!

 

.

Edited February 5, 2012 by Heather in NC

[*Inna*]

 

My dh passed away unexpectedly in June. We had so many very kind people do so many very kind things for us. I have written note after note after note after note. And you know what? I'm still not done. But, I have done the things WELL that have been at the top -- caring for my 7 kids, taking care of estate issues, dealing with finances, the house, the homeschooling, the future.

I'm so sorry for your loss. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[In the Rain]

Wow, maybe my family is a bunch of barbarians but we don't do thank you notes. We call and thank the person and we chat for a while.

 

We do this too. I do appreciate the cute thank you pictures my nieces and nephews send though.

[mamajag]

Classically, that is the way they were solved, yes.

 

If things got really serious, they just tossed a man in a kilt to the village women...

[Jean in Newcastle]

If things got really serious, they just tossed a man in a kilt to the village women...

 

:001_smile:

[1bassoon]

'Cause, you know, al the world's problems could be solved by pics of men in kilts. :D

 

:snort:

 

Online right now with customer support for an email issue.

 

Think if I send a kilt picture, I'll get better service? ;)

[Jean in Newcastle]

:snort:

 

Online right now with customer support for an email issue.

 

Think if I send a kilt picture, I'll get better service? ;)

 

Well, I think it's worth a try. Dare ya!:D

[mommymilkies]

I cannot wrap my head around cutting off contact with a family member because I did not receive a thank you note. That is ridiculous. :confused:

 

:iagree:

[1bassoon]

Well, I think it's worth a try. Dare ya!:D

 

Ha, Jean! Too late, she solved my problem already.

 

Should I send her a thank-you not? :D

[Parrothead]

IMHO, when you receive a gift from someone, it is rude to delay (or neglect) sending a thank you note (not that I always send them promptly myself – but I think I am rude when I do not). But when you give a gift, it is also rude to expect any note in response, much less to count the days.

I agree. But I also know that life happens and sometimes something has to give.

 

 

So, while I don’t think their response is appropriate, you said yourself that your thank-you notes were late (which is also inappropriate).

From here and everything else you said I have to disagree with. While it is ideal that one sends a thank you note within 24 hours of receiving the gift, according to Miss Manners, one has up to a year to send a thank you note without being considered uncouth and ill-mannered.

 

 

 

 

You've all given me a lot to think about.

 

I'm going to give it a few days, but right now I'm thinking just a simple email to say that I'm sorry that the notes were late, and if this is distressing to them as it seems, they probably shouldn't give us gifts any more. And I'll leave the rest to them.

 

More than that would feed the fire IMHO. This is a powerful person, one who pushes buttons in relationships, but who has always respected me in the past. They are also one who has many "friends," but has admitted to me that they don't have any 24/7 friends like I do. They also live a life of ease with relative health, a weekly housekeeper, international travel, and no financial worries. Not my life at all.

What do you mean by "powerful person?" Is your relative the First Lady?

 

I don't think it is healthy to allow someone to have such a negative hold over one. Not for love or money would I let someone be that controlling in my life.

 

I don't think I'd acknowledge the scathing letter in any way. That will give this person a chance to save face if she decides you are worthy at a later date. I'd just think of it as a bit of foolishness and get on with my life. Maybe I'd call in a week or two to invite them over for dinner as if the note was never received. If she continues along this vein I'd consider it a blessing in disguise that those notes were late.