Are your advanced children all just little darlings?

[SorrelZG]

I haven't read any recent threads so don't think this is response to anything recent.

 

Just in general from what I have read I get the impression that everyone has advanced children that are just delightful little mini smart people. Don't get me wrong, my firstborn can be a saint and blow you away with mature, thoughtful, even selfless (appearing) behavior but more often ... completely not. :( He doesn't pour himself out in schoolish ways but he still soaks up information like a sponge, has an almost perfect visual and auditory memory, makes connections, even deep philosophical ones, notices nuanced details to a degree that can disturb me and is an incredible performance artist (seriously). The bad part is, he often doesn't use his "powers" for good and I don't know how to parent him in light of all the power plays and manipulation. He is a delightful child IF I have his respect but it's so hard to earn and maintain and I'm worn out with trying to have perfect control over my emotions, know everything, remember everything and do everything right. I have other children that need my attention, too. :crying:

[8filltheheart]

I haven't read any recent threads so don't think this is response to anything recent.

 

Just in general from what I have read I get the impression that everyone has advanced children that are just delightful little mini smart people. Don't get me wrong, my firstborn can be a saint and blow you away with mature, thoughtful, even selfless (appearing) behavior but more often ... completely not. :( He doesn't pour himself out in schoolish ways but he still soaks up information like a sponge, has an almost perfect visual and auditory memory, makes connections, even deep philosophical ones, notices nuanced details to a degree that can disturb me and is an incredible performance artist (seriously). The bad part is, he often doesn't use his "powers" for good and I don't know how to parent him in light of all the power plays and manipulation. He is a delightful child IF I have his respect but it's so hard to earn and maintain and I'm worn out with trying to have perfect control over my emotions, know everything, remember everything and do everything right. I have other children that need my attention, too. :crying:

 

In truth, my 10th and 7th graders are. They are incredibly kind and thoughtful. But, they have grown up in the shadow of our 20 yos who often leaves the little ones feeling terrorized. He has been institutionalized b/c of uncontrollable behaviors and at one pt, we even had to send him to a boarding school for a few months so that your younger children could destress. (It had gotten to the pt where one of our little ones was having severe symptoms of stress and anxiety from his presence.....to the pt of hiding if he walked into a room.)

 

He has an almost photographic memory and learns everything almost instantaneously. But, behaviorally, definitely not angelic at all. Now that he is an adult, he isn't as uncontrolled as he was (his teenage yrs were the worst.) But, we still have lots of rocky days and the last couple of weeks have been reminiscent of the fact that he still has a long way to go to be any where close to functioning outside of our home long term.

[Runningmom80]

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

 

 

 

Nope. :lol:

 

 

He has a good heart, and wicked sense of humor, but well behaved? Not so much. He's no terror, but he likes to push buttons and has his own agenda that he doesn't like messed with. Add ADHD tendencies, and well, I'm sure a lot of you can understand. :)

Edited January 11, 2012 by Runningmom80

[Dmmetler]

My DD generally is in public-she saves her meltdowns and frustration and attitude for home, almost all the time. In fact, even as a baby, I realized quickly that it was MUCH more pleasant to have this fussy kid out in public, because she'd pull it together and start charming strangers.

 

One of the big benefits of homeschooling is that, since she's not having to be "on" so much, I get less of the lows at home. There's still a difference between public behavior and at home behavior, but it's not the Jeckyll and Hyde swings that I saw when she was in PS K all day.

[Grover]

heck no! DS *can* be delightful, thoughtful, mature and a pleasure to be around. But he can also be very, VERY hard work. Often within the same minute.

[brownie]

Nope - my kids are difficult and dh and I were more the angelic type. DS3 is the most angelic...he desires to please, is sweet and loving but mischievious. I worry about him least but he is also the least blatantly gifted. I don't know if that has anything to do with him having more balanced strengths.

 

The oldest is grumpy and only motivated by his own desires. It makes him more difficult to parent since approval and punishment mean little. The 2nd is rather emotional and perfectionist for a boy...loving but retreats into sullenness if you dare correct him.

 

My impression is that gifted kids are MORE likely to be difficult, particularly if they are boys. Training a dog is easy bc they are eager to please, respond to reward and don't have agendas of their own! Some gifted kids are like this...dh and I were, but mine aren't!

 

Brownie

[mommymilkies]

One of them is. My eldest is an angel, usually. I joke that someday she'll make a fine chef or drill sergeant. She does get in "moods", though. But I think it's hormonal at this point.

 

My son is advanced but he is also difficult. He is completely unmotivated for anything other than Nintendo and is VERY sensitive. Sensitivity is good, but we have to walk on eggshells sometimes because he already has low self-esteem because of SI issues.

[JenneinCA]

Certainly not at my house.

 

I rarely post about the crying melt-downs (usually mine!) but they do happen. I work really hard at remembering these are public boards and anything I say here will follow them forever.

[SKL]

My dd5 is generally well-behaved, thoughtful, deep, loving, bla bla bla; BUT she is also scary. She always has a better idea of how things should be, and she manipulates (apparently without even thinking about it) to get things done her way. She does not take suggestions well at all. She is highly offended if I decide something for her. Then she will pout and basically act like she hates everyone and would rather have us out of her life. This has been the case since she was three. She also doesn't handle stress well. It's like she doesn't have a clue what is happening to her but it must be my fault, so she's gonna shut down on me. Ugh. Thankfully these episodes are not "all the time," but then again, she's only five. Wait until we add hormones to the mix.

[momma aimee]

I haven't read any recent threads so don't think this is response to anything recent.

 

Just in general from what I have read I get the impression that everyone has advanced children that are just delightful little mini smart people. Don't get me wrong, my firstborn can be a saint and blow you away with mature, thoughtful, even selfless (appearing) behavior but more often ... completely not. :( He doesn't pour himself out in schoolish ways but he still soaks up information like a sponge, has an almost perfect visual and auditory memory, makes connections, even deep philosophical ones, notices nuanced details to a degree that can disturb me and is an incredible performance artist (seriously). The bad part is, he often doesn't use his "powers" for good and I don't know how to parent him in light of all the power plays and manipulation. He is a delightful child IF I have his respect but it's so hard to earn and maintain and I'm worn out with trying to have perfect control over my emotions, know everything, remember everything and do everything right. I have other children that need my attention, too. :crying:

 

my gifted child is a massive 6 yop PIMB -- 'tude, whineing, emotionally immature and so on .....

 

though I agree most of the posts i read make me feel MINE is the only child that is not a joy 24/7. LOL

[Hadassah]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha no.

 

Yes, they are mature, compassionate, and have a wicked sense of humor... and they are also bossy, talkative, have poor people skills, have intense emotions (which lead to anger management issues), and constantly challenge authority. :glare:

Ask me how I know :D.

[acurtis75]

Behavior wise my 6 year old is great. She's well behaved in public and for the most part at home. School work however is a major struggle. She would rather read all day. She doesn't throw fits because we don't allow it but she daydreams, stalls, stares off in to space and generally avoids doing the work unless I'm checking for completion regularly. Right now she's setting next to me teary eyed because she's drawn out the math paper she's working on and could have finished in 10 minutes to an hour long process. The difference between output when she wants to do something vs when she doesn't is huge. Some days I think I should just unschool because she remembers everything she's ever read but then I take a deep breath and remind myself teaching her how to behave and have a good work ethic is also my responsibility no matter how much the process sucks.

 

She would be a master manipulator if we let her get away with it. Dh sat her down a few months ago and did a lesson from the book Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo about manipulation. Now instead of her trying to manipulate us we instead have about 10 conversations a day where she comes to me to say "I was about to manipulate you by doing xyz...." but then I decided not to. Let's hope this trend of confession and chossing to do right continues because apparently she pretty much constantly wants to do it.

[acurtis75]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha no.

 

Yes, they are mature, compassionate, and have a wicked sense of humor... and they are also bossy, talkative, have poor people skills, have intense emotions (which lead to anger management issues), and constantly challenge authority. :glare:

Ask me how I know :D.

 

 

Add all these to my list too....

[blondeviolin]

My oldest has not tested gifted, but I am operating under the assumption she is. She's a very compliant child as a general rule, but I did just post about her perfectionistic tendencies... :D

 

My son, OTOH, HAS been tested gifted. He does not appear to have the bookish gifts my oldest does, but he intuits more than he lets on. He manipulates (at only 4!), screams, whines, and is as stubborn as a mule. Teaching home right now is not possible beyond small things because he is apt to yell, "I KNOW!" as loud as possible. He's the one that is improving my parenting by fire.

[boscopup]

My oldest is fairly angelic, though we still have our occasional struggles. Mostly he's a good kid. I can usually count on him to help me out when the other two kids are not listening at all.

 

Middle child... don't know if he's gifted or not (he's "wired differently", and I just can't tell). He's my crazy child. Most of the time, if there is a problem, it's him. :tongue_smilie: Love him to pieces though. He's incredibly sweet and thoughtful when he wants to be, and it's lovely to see him be so helpful to his baby brother most of the time (and other times, he's a terror to said baby brother).

 

Youngest child... don't know if he's gifted or not, as he's only 2 years old, but I suspect he's much like my oldest. He's incredibly sweet and cute... knows he's cute especially (seriously, almost everything he does is cute :lol:), but man, when he gets a contrary bug, boy does he get it! He once yelled "NO, THANK YOU!" in the nastiest voice at me because he didn't want to go in the van. I had such a hard time not laughing because he was POLITE about it! :lol: Also, if you give him "the look", he'll give you the look back, then open his eyes wide and start to make silly faces. It's hilarious. He's the most talkative of the bunch... definitely farther along in general conversation abilities than either of his brothers at this age. So it's like he's a little adult almost, except he can act like a spoiled brat (he's NOT spoiled - he gets put in his place when necessary). I always joke that this child got the academic side of my oldest and the silliness of my middle child, and that's a scary combination. :tongue_smilie:

[HeatherInWI]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha no.

 

Yes, they are mature, compassionate, and have a wicked sense of humor... and they are also bossy, talkative, have poor people skills, have intense emotions (which lead to anger management issues), and constantly challenge authority. :glare:

Ask me how I know :D.

 

Mine have been like that many times, but I haven't let the fact that they are gifted children mean that they can get away with having poor behavior and people skills. I remember reading books about "strong-willed" children and thinking, "But I have two of them!!!" It took a lot of work, mostly when they were under ten, but it's paid off in amazingly well-behaved, responsible, respectful teenagers who work well with both adults and children. I know sometimes things look impossible, but from the other side, I can tell you that the work of having and enforcing rules, using logical consequences, and spending time listening and discussing pays off.

[SorrelZG]

Behavior wise my 6 year old is great. She's well behaved in public and for the most part at home. School work however is a major struggle. She would rather read all day. She doesn't throw fits because we don't allow it but she daydreams, stalls, stares off in to space and generally avoids doing the work unless I'm checking for completion regularly. Right now she's setting next to me teary eyed because she's drawn out the math paper she's working on and could have finished in 10 minutes to an hour long process. The difference between output when she wants to do something vs when she doesn't is huge. Some days I think I should just unschool because she remembers everything she's ever read but then I take a deep breath and remind myself teaching her how to behave and have a good work ethic is also my responsibility no matter how much the process sucks.

 

She would be a master manipulator if we let her get away with it. Dh sat her down a few months ago and did a lesson from the book Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo about manipulation. Now instead of her trying to manipulate us we instead have about 10 conversations a day where she comes to me to say "I was about to manipulate you by doing xyz...." but then I decided not to. Let's hope this trend of confession and chossing to do right continues because apparently she pretty much constantly wants to do it.

 

 

I pulled The Heart of Anger yesterday, just for that chapter. At this point, I need to go through the book myself. *sigh* DS has been getting away with it. We never intended for him to be doing so but just this week I realized he's been running things. We totally dropped the ball some time back. DH and I will be making time for a date with that book and making some serious changes. Lots of prayer, too, of course. :(

 

Math is where it really shows it's ugly head in school. No fits here either, though, but DS is passive-aggressive. We have either time wasting or dramatic acts of intentionally doing the wrong thing and pretending to be confused. I don't know what to do. Switch approach? Should I not expect him to do it if he's acting like he can't but I'm almost positive it is just an act (can't ever be fully certain until he confesses)? Should I go along with it as if he is sincere, maybe set a timer so he doesn't take up too much time with it, and only deal with his pretending if he admits it?

 

But math isn't ultimately the issue. Meanwhile, at the least I need a tighter schedule for both of us because right now, he is monopolizing his parent's time and my energies and his siblings are suffering for it.

 

8, I appreciate you sharing about your son briefly. I am reminded I need to pray more because after everything, there are no guarantees that this is going to get easier anytime soon and I need to change the way I'm thinking about this child and the situation.

[acurtis75]

I pulled The Heart of Anger yesterday, just for that chapter. At this point, I need to go through the book myself. *sigh* DS has been getting away with it. We never intended for him to be doing so but just this week I realized he's been running things. We totally dropped the ball some time back. DH and I will be making time for a date with that book and making some serious changes. Lots of prayer, too, of course. :(

 

Math is where it really shows it's ugly head in school. No fits here either, though, but DS is passive-aggressive. We have either time wasting or dramatic acts of intentionally doing the wrong thing and pretending to be confused. I don't know what to do. Switch approach? Should I not expect him to do it if he's acting like he can't but I'm almost positive it is just an act (can't ever be fully certain until he confesses)? Should I go along with it as if he is sincere, maybe set a timer so he doesn't take up too much time with it, and only deal with his pretending if he admits it?

 

But math isn't ultimately the issue. Meanwhile, at the least I need a tighter schedule for both of us because right now, he is monopolizing his parent's time and my energies and his siblings are suffering for it.

 

8, I appreciate you sharing about your son briefly. I am reminded I need to pray more because after everything, there are no guarantees that this is going to get easier anytime soon and I need to change the way I'm thinking about this child and the situation.

 

I encourage you to keep praying and read the book. It is hard work but I think it most cases it will get easier with time if you're consistent. I say most because there are of course exceptions but I've had several friends who waiting until 5 or 6 to start correcting these behaviors and it was a long hard road but there's been drastic improvement.

 

My dh and I went to a few conferences where Shepherding a Child's Heart, a book about dealing with the symptoms of ADD biblically (can't remember the name right now), and The Heart of Anger were recommended. We read those books when our daughter was only about a year and a half old and I believe they had a dramatic impact on our parenting and nipping things in the bud before they started. At that point we suspected dd would be smart because both of us were somewhat gifted but we had no idea how smart. I have no doubt that if we hadn't put some things in place early on we would be dealing with a very difficult 6 year old who would be effectively manipulating and running us and the whole house right now.

 

I was talking with a friend the other day and told her that parenting reminds me of the Vince Lombardi quote "Fatigue does make cowards of us all". Basically, parenting is hard work and it's tiring so we need to make some decisions and plans in advance not when we're in the moment because when we're tired we make bad decisions and/or no decisions and end up passively allowing our children to take over.

[8filltheheart]

8, I appreciate you sharing about your son briefly. I am reminded I need to pray more because after everything, there are no guarantees that this is going to get easier anytime soon and I need to change the way I'm thinking about this child and the situation.

 

Well, bear in mind that my ds does have a lot more issues going on than simply being bright. He was actually mostly only ever extremely hyper when he was younger. However, self-control has always been an issue w/him. Mix in huge doses of male hormones and puberty was a disaster for him.

 

If I had a do-over, I would focus on behavioral issues w/a magnifying glass in a child like him. I wouldn't let any little incident slide. My other kids have been able to be parented in a completely normal way, but we have not been as successful w/this ds, I'm afraid. I would have put academics on the back burner far more often in hind-sight. I would have spent more time on life and personal skills.

Edited January 11, 2012 by 8FillTheHeart

[2smartones]

I have one of each. One has always been a people pleaser, and he'd cry at the thought of doing something wrong. Heck, he'd cry if someone ELSE did something wrong! :lol:

 

My other child is the opposite. He's had an attitude from the womb, I think! :glare: If it can be touched, broken, taken, done, not done, or whatever, you can bet he's the one to blame.

[Greenmama2]

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

 

 

 

Nope. :lol:

 

 

He has a good heart, and wicked sense of humor, but well behaved? Not so much. He's no terror, but he likes to push buttons and has his own agenda that he doesn't like messed with. Add ADHD tendencies, and well, I'm sure a lot of you can understand. :)

This!

OEs/ADHD/Aspergers/OCD tendencies, probably not enough to get a diagnosis of anything but some days are a combination of :confused::001_huh::glare: and :tongue_smilie:

Yesterday was tough, topped off with a meltdown at 10 pm because I told her it was too late to start an experiment from her new chemistry kit & wouldn't budge.

[SorrelZG]

My dh and I went to a few conferences where Shepherding a Child's Heart, a book about dealing with the symptoms of ADD biblically (can't remember the name right now), and The Heart of Anger were recommended. We read those books when our daughter was only about a year and a half old and I believe they had a dramatic impact on our parenting and nipping things in the bud before they started.

 

I appreciate your encouragement. At the moment I'm overcome with sadness. We found these books early on also but I failed because of my own sin and need of salvation in those first few years.

 

 

If I had a do-over, I would focus on behavioral issues w/a magnifying glass in a child like him. I wouldn't let any little incident slide. My other kids have been able to be parented in a completely normal way, but we have not been as successful w/this ds, I'm afraid. I would have put academics on the back burner far more often in hind-sight. I would have spent more time on life and personal skills.

 

Yes, I am endeavoring to hold character and behavior at the forefront and am working to have my schedule and expectations as such that everything can be dropped, if the day (or week) calls for it, to focus solely upon that.

[LittleIzumi]

Sometimes?

 

:lol:

 

I've told people who question why we school so young that if I don't give The Sponge's brain something to do, she uses it for mischief. Serious, often dangerous, mischief. She remembers EVERYTHING I say, which bites me in the bum a lot, although mostly it's fabulous. I've learned to be very careful and specific in what I say and do with her. Her ADD is starting to cause real problems as well, not only in schoolwork anymore but also at church, school, safety-wise, etc. (After his holiday visit my very laid-back father congratulated me on keeping her alive for 6 years, lol.) She's not diagnosed but hubby has ADD with medication quite necessary for him to function in college.

 

The other two are still too young to tell but they are both VERY spirited/emotional/sensory-seeking. That will be interesting.

[Crimson Wife]

You know that nursery rhyme about the little girl with a curl right in the middle of her forehead? When she was good, she was very, very, good/but when she was bad, she was horrid.

 

She lives at my house. Times three. :tongue_smilie:

[Beth in SW WA]

Nm

Edited January 12, 2012 by Beth in SW WA
Tmi

[SorrelZG]

Thank-you for sharing, Beth. I appreciate it. I admire your faith that you will overcome the issues together. I need to get some of that. Feeling quite defeated today.

[acurtis75]

You know that nursery rhyme about the little girl with a curl right in the middle of her forehead? When she was good, she was very, very, good/but when she was bad, she was horrid.

 

She lives at my house. Times three. :tongue_smilie:

 

You must be very patient. I only have one at my house and some days it's quite the challenge. Today in particular has been one of those days :glare:

[Jenny in Florida]

Ummmm . . . no.

 

My daughter was a real handful from about age three up through nine. After that, she smoothed out a lot and has been pretty great since then. She's still very intense and has lots of ups and downs, but she's reliable when I need her and lots of fun to have in the house.

 

My son? Wow. People who've seen me around here for the last few years can tell you in glorious detail about the challenges we've had and continue to have. I adore him, but he's never been easy.

[3Blessings]

You know that nursery rhyme about the little girl with a curl right in the middle of her forehead? When she was good, she was very, very, good/but when she was bad, she was horrid.

 

She lives at my house. Times three. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

About my dd6. So easy to make connections, so quickly to pick up new ideas, so loving at times . . . at others: whose child is this???!!!

 

Enlist the help of your husband if you are able. My husband finds that she doesn't push his buttons as easily as she pushes mine. He gently reminds me to :chillpill: when I need to do that. I thank God for his partnership with her.

[Greenmama2]

You know that nursery rhyme about the little girl with a curl right in the middle of her forehead? When she was good, she was very, very, good/but when she was bad, she was horrid.

 

She lives at my house. Times three. :tongue_smilie:

See, my little girl with mostly just wavy hair DOES have a (very tight) curl right in the middle of her forehead...

[SorrelZG]

Enlist the help of your husband if you are able. My husband finds that she doesn't push his buttons as easily as she pushes mine. He gently reminds me to :chillpill: when I need to do that. I thank God for his partnership with her.

 

Yes, I do and I have much to be thankful for also. DH is actively involved and a continual instrument of abundant blessing. He has long patience and endless hope and doesn't appear to have any buttons to push. He has helped greatly with this week - everything from giving perspective, making suggestions for the school front and taking charge on the behavior/discipline front. He forgives my worst failures and encourages me onward and upward.

 

Today was a better day. I was reminded of the amazing parts of my son. I'm still not certain what to do about math but I made it through today. I do think I may need to look at changing what he has for breakfast because he seems to begin unwinding not too long after. I'm sure I could search past posts for ideas on that one.

[zaichiki]

My kids? Little DARLINGS? :lol:

 

Only the 2 year old... and that's b/c she's still cute.

 

Someone, somewhere, told me that kids are cute and darling while they're still young for survival. If they weren't, they wouldn't make it. :lol: That's the story over here. Little = cute. Not-so-little = not-so-cute anymore.

 

Honestly all three of my older ones have their moments when they are fabulous. But all three have moments like the ones you describe... and so do I! :lol:

[HeatherL]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha no.

 

Yes, they are mature, compassionate, and have a wicked sense of humor... and they are also bossy, talkative, have poor people skills, have intense emotions (which lead to anger management issues), and constantly challenge authority. :glare:

Ask me how I know :D.

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

Mine is not mature for his age, mainly because of his intense emotions about EVERYTHING!!

 

I always think of that childhood rhyme, "When he is good, he is very, very good, but when he is bad he is horrid."

[zaichiki]

You know that nursery rhyme about the little girl with a curl right in the middle of her forehead? When she was good, she was very, very, good/but when she was bad, she was horrid.

 

She lives at my house. Times three. :tongue_smilie:

 

Yes! That's it! I've been singing that rhyme to my two girls since they were toddlers! And HOW!

[higginszoo]

My almost - 7 year old is very demanding ... it can come off as cute in small doses, but 24/7/365x7, it's exhausting.

 

My other three are more mellow, but they're 11, 12, and 13, so no, they are absolutely NOT pleasant at times (especially the 12 and 13 year olds). I'm looking forward to the 12 year old going camping this weekend because I so need a break from her right now.

[catz]

My almost - 7 year old is very demanding ... it can come off as cute in small doses, but 24/7/365x7, it's exhausting.

 

This is totally my 7 year old too. She is very much her own person. A couple weeks at her violin lesson after she left the room her teacher said to me "Wow. You must be exhausted all the time." ROFL. :lol: Her teacher loves working with her, but she is definitely "spirited" as her teacher nicely has called her. She often has new parents observe her lessons as an example of a less than happily compliant kid can still do very well!

 

My older is easier at the moment. He's outgrown some younger kids annoying behaviors and he has a good heart. But both do best if they are met with respect and they are given many choices and explanations. A "because I said so" discipline system would never work for them. My oldest went to 2 years of PS and that was not a good fit for him at all. They're both super sensitive. 7 yo almost starts crying like 10X a day right now. I was just like that though. Totally a perfectionist too.

[kubiac]

My BIL is 40 years old, but is basically an overgrown highly gifted boy, maybe with Asperger's.

 

It kills me because he is so incredibly capable in so many ways, yet morally, spiritually, emotionally--anything that has a qualitative rather than quantitative dimension--he is either completely crippled or outright malignant. We refer to him as "differently abled" because although he has degrees and money and talents galore, he is oddly unable to function in human society because humanity, with its unreliable whimsy, confounds him completely. He cannot fathom how other people operate irrationally as a matter of course, when rationality is Obviously Better (to and for him).

 

For that matter, he has never been able solve the equation for the Golden Rule, and he missed all those parts of preschool where they taught sharing and fair play and going along to get along.

 

He's just not a nice person, and it's a shame because if he used his powers for good, he'd be a hell of a guy.

 

This is not the topic of the thread, exactly, but I am intrigued by how giftedness often magnifies other character traits.

Edited January 14, 2012 by kubiac

[zenjenn]

My advanced child is 6 yrs old. She CAN be an absolute darling.

 

But she is also stubborn, willful, intolerant, and far too often one *angry* little girl. And if she had her rathers, she'd play computer games all day every day. She is annoyed by all other kids except for a very few in her inner circle, and if anything doesn't come super easy to her she furrows her brow and scowls and refuses to engage.

 

I try to avoid telling her how clever she is, and as much time as possible telling her that her attitude problem is going to give her nothing but trouble and that she has to learn to control her emotions, and persevere.

 

I have another child, her older sister, who is not nearly as accelerated with her schoolwork, and even has some challenges to overcome academically. She is a bit accelerated, mostly attributable to her absolutely fantastic attitude and willingness to listen, try, and improve and embrace a variety of interests.

 

If I had to place bets on which of my kids would be the biggest success in life, it is NOT my more advanced one. She is only 6 and I have high hopes of her turning it around, and there has been progress. But when she gets smug about her doing something better/learning something faster than her sister who is two grades ahead of her, I am QUICK to knock her down a peg. All the smarts in the world will not get her anywhere in life if she just walks around being a self-righteous punk.

 

She can be a darling, especially to me since she is such a mamma's girl, but as far as being darling overall? No. We love her, even her angry little outbursts at times. We know she has some inner strength and we don't have to worry about her being anyone's doormat.

 

But she's not going in the Who's Who Book of Darling Children, I can tell you that!

[serendipitous journey]

Just last week an unschooling mama made it clear she thought my littles are just Naturally Good. I'd thought hers were naturally good, 'cause if I unschooled Button he'd be a terror for sure. 2 days in a row off his schedule has the whole family sorry.

 

Here are some things that have helped me -- I am so grateful to the many sources of encouragement I've received --

 

One is to carefully manage the emotions I display. When Button is in an "evil" stage I have to be so consistent and firm about consequences, but I try to identify the errant behavior gently and correct gently too. I use a lot of emotional energy for approval: I go sort of over the top with affection, kind words, and praising him to other people for the good things (or the avoiding bad ones). This is hard for me 'cause when he's worn me down every.little.bad.thing. drives me bananas and I'm too cranky & tired to want to be affectionate and encouraging about the good things. But it is very helpful. -- this strategy is essentially neuroscience, and I was actually reminded of it by a visiting scientist friend.

 

The second is to focus on building Button up. I think it can be dangerous to think we need to keep them from being proud of themselves. We want them to joyfully celebrate themselves, but to celebrate everybody else too. C.S. Lewis wrote that humility isn't thinking badly of yourself, it is losing sight of yourself; or being able to celebrate a wonderful accomplishment with the same joy whether it is your accomplishment or another's. To this end, when the baby does something right I often hug Button and celebrate the baby's accomplishment together (may sound odd, but it works 'round here). I let Button know, esp. when things are tough, that I am so glad to have him, that I love him, and that everybody does things wrong when they are little and needs to be corrected. No child needs to be taken down a peg. Certainly they should not give themselves airs about achievements, but that isn't because they aren't really all that impressive; even if they were the most impressive, brilliant, talented person on the planet, these things are not what gives a person value. A child should always value themselves and other persons quite highly. -- Burton White says to teach a child that they are very very important, and so is everyone else. That seems good to me.

 

I apologize to Button when I am wrong, or when I've spoken sharply and shouldn't have. I do not beat myself up about it at all, but I let him see that I am sorry and that I try to do better.

 

It's been helpful to keep in mind that I am aggressively on the child's side. I try to remember that I am trying to help him, and that his best interests and mine align. When I can try to help him dig himself out of his messes things go better.

 

Teaching the child explicitly how to encourage other people to be their best can be helpful.

 

The Managers of Their Homes mama had a wonderful quite about "lowered expectations" that has been so helpful to me lately. She pointed out that while our goals should be very high, our actual expectations should be low: that the children will, all day long, fail to meet the goals, just as we fail to be our best selves -- she is coming from the Christian perspective here, but I think it translates easily. The idea of "low expectations" and high goals helps me keep in mind that Button's challenging behavior isn't getting in the way of my homeschooling job; it IS my homeschooling job.

 

Disciplining the errant little one is observed by the other children, and they will model their behavior on it. So we want to model gentleness, grace, firmness, and consistent, relentless love. Also a sense of humor.

 

Be as gentle and kind to yourself as you want to be with your child.

 

... I'm sleepy, so please forgive any sillinesses or errors. All the above ideas have been so helpful to me even though I am seriously imperfect at implementing them.

 

:bigear::bigear:

Edited January 14, 2012 by serendipitous journey

[SorrelZG]

serendipitous journey, thank-you for taking the time to share all that. Much of it is being worked on in our home also but I really benefited from having it all laid out so I can evaluate where I need to give extra attention and refocus. I will say that explicit instruction in things I would never have thought to explicitly instruct in - even role playing certain situations to practice good responses - along with the humility of always seeking forgiveness when I have been impatient, harsh, etc. really have made a huge impact. DS seems to have some kind of osmotic connection with me, for better or worse. It certainly is exhausting but you're right, I have to remember that this IS my job, not a hindrance to my job.

 

 

 

I appreciate all the responses, btw. It's certainly helping with perspective.

[Mommyfaithe]

I haven't read any recent threads so don't think this is response to anything recent.

 

Just in general from what I have read I get the impression that everyone has advanced children that are just delightful little mini smart people. Don't get me wrong, my firstborn can be a saint and blow you away with mature, thoughtful, even selfless (appearing) behavior but more often ... completely not. :( He doesn't pour himself out in schoolish ways but he still soaks up information like a sponge, has an almost perfect visual and auditory memory, makes connections, even deep philosophical ones, notices nuanced details to a degree that can disturb me and is an incredible performance artist (seriously). The bad part is, he often doesn't use his "powers" for good and I don't know how to parent him in light of all the power plays and manipulation. He is a delightful child IF I have his respect but it's so hard to earn and maintain and I'm worn out with trying to have perfect control over my emotions, know everything, remember everything and do everything right. I have other children that need my attention, too. :crying:

 

Well, my experience has been...my advanced kids are headstrong little tyrants. There.!! I said .it! All but one anyway...he loves to talk about stuff...and I like to talk about stuff....so we talk...a lot:D. But my youngest...who is possibly my most advanced.....is a little bugger head....but I love him anyway...and I don't ship him off to military school, although the thought has obviously crossed my mind, because I KNOW he woulld not be served well by that.

 

So, anyway..NO!!!! My very intelligent little imps are off planning the overtaking of the universe, while my average Joe kids are pretty much happily doing their schoolwork and learning new things daily.....or at least trying with a good attitude.

 

By the way....my averagest.... Average kid.....bloomed in college. She always worked hard...always had to study...always needednto do so much more to "get" it....has a 4.0 average going into her last semester of a really intense RD program. She worked 3 jobs to pay for it all....and she is the happiest kid of all. My ds, who taught himself to read @ 3 and was eons ahead of her....has been getting b's, c's and d's in college...taking forever to complete a 2 year degree and basically flounders because he thinks EVERYTHING should be easy. ( We did try to teach him otherwise, but he was never really cut out to work his butt off...he'd rather glide.). He is turning 21 now, and finally waking up to the fact that he is grown now, and has to work hard. He is now supporting himself...and all of a sudden, those lessons we tried so hard to teach him are coming into use.

 

Kids are all different.....it has nothing to do with academic level...it has to do with personality.

 

Faithe

[serendipitous journey]

serendipitous journey, thank-you for taking the time to share all that. Much of it is being worked on in our home also but I really benefited from having it all laid out so I can evaluate where I need to give extra attention and refocus.

 

... I'm so glad that some of these things resonated with you & the work you are doing! It is heartening to have company in these things. Your little ones are fortunate to have a mother paying such attention to their growing-up well ....

[SKL]

To prove that my kids are NOT perfect, I just took a call from the woman who takes them to swimming lessons on Saturday mornings. Once again, my dd is crying and refusing to join her swimming lesson. No excuse - she adores swimming and both her sister and nanny are right there. I really don't know what the issue is, but I noticed that the threat of losing her DS for a month immediately resolved her fears. :glare:

 

I don't know whether giftedness makes kids more difficult, but I do think our patience with them is shorter when we know they are capable of more. I mean, they remember what they've been told, they comprehend the reasons why they ought to do X and not Y, they understand the potential consequences of behaviors. Naturally we expect them to make better choices, at least on certain things.

[zaichiki]

I do think our patience with them is shorter when we know they are capable of more. I mean, they remember what they've been told, they comprehend the reasons why they ought to do X and not Y, they understand the potential consequences of behaviors. Naturally we expect them to make better choices, at least on certain things.

 

I struggle with this. My dh DEFINITELY struggles with this, but it's not related to whether or not the kids are gifted. He has really high (sometimes unrealistic) expectations of children.

[Mommy22alyns]

My girls have gotten much easier as they've gotten older. Here's hoping they stay that way as they mature! But yes, they are generally extremely delightful children.

 

I do definitely agree with the point that sometimes our expectations are too high. Rebecca bears the brunt of that as firstborn. I keep having to tell DH and myself, she's not even 9, this is typical behavior, and considering all things we are VERY lucky with the girls.

[quark]

We have the good fortune of having a delightful child to parent. A darling old soul. I've sometimes been told he couldn't be as advanced as he is if he's so nice and "compliant". :glare:

[acurtis75]

serendipitous journey, thank-you for taking the time to share all that. Much of it is being worked on in our home also but I really benefited from having it all laid out so I can evaluate where I need to give extra attention and refocus. I will say that explicit instruction in things I would never have thought to explicitly instruct in - even role playing certain situations to practice good responses - along with the humility of always seeking forgiveness when I have been impatient, harsh, etc. really have made a huge impact. DS seems to have some kind of osmotic connection with me, for better or worse. It certainly is exhausting but you're right, I have to remember that this IS my job, not a hindrance to my job.

 

 

 

I appreciate all the responses, btw. It's certainly helping with perspective.

 

We role play a lot and it helps. We role play proper responses when we tell her to do things. We also role play being polite in social situations and how to properly respond to adults.

[Storm Bay]

I haven't read any recent threads so don't think this is response to anything recent.

 

Just in general from what I have read I get the impression that everyone has advanced children that are just delightful little mini smart people.

:grouphug:

 

In response to your title, :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: In fact, I finally had to expell my eldest from homeschooling when she was a sophomore because she is and has been so challenging for most of her life. fwiw, she got the highest overall state test scores one person had ever seen. I say overall, because she bombed the timed essay because she hated the topic. She still scored high enough that she'll get state tuition paid (not much of college cost, but her first one covered so far since she refuses to write essays, etc, to get scholarships. Did I mention that she's stubborn, too?)

 

After she wore me out, and combined with the lovely hormonal changes that go with my age group, I let my middle one go to ps when she met certain criteria because she's getting closer & closer to 14, which my aunt says is the lowest point in human development, and so far I'm inclined to agree with her.

 

Don't get me wrong, my firstborn can be a saint and blow you away with mature, thoughtful, even selfless (appearing) behavior but more often ... completely not. He doesn't pour himself out in schoolish ways but he still soaks up information like a sponge, has an almost perfect visual and auditory memory, makes connections, even deep philosophical ones, notices nuanced details to a degree that can disturb me and is an incredible performance artist (seriously). The bad part is, he often doesn't use his "powers" for good and I don't know how to parent him in light of all the power plays and manipulation. He is a delightful child IF I have his respect but it's so hard to earn and maintain and I'm worn out with trying to have perfect control over my emotions, know everything, remember everything and do everything right. I have other children that need my attention, too.

 

My dc all have absolutely wonderful qualities about them, too, don't get me wrong, but not one of them is easy even though they're not all equally hard. And, fwiw, this isn't just my exaggeration--I've had other parents, including homeshoolers, kindly note that their dc are easier (they are comforting me, and they're not kidding, either).

 

Gifted dc can be very, very challenging to raise, but not all of them are. Just because a dc is gifted doesn't mean that they are easy to raise or naturally well behaved. I don't post her as often as I used to because my dc can't be bothered to be accellerated in most of their classes because it's too much work. All have been accellrated & could still be so--my eldest could have graduated by 14 or earlier had she been motivated, but once puberty started she went from 2 grades ahead to grade level in all subjects but math because she became unbelievably lazy. She only did school because it's the law, I kid you not. When she was 8 she was going to become president so that she could repeal the mandatory education act (when she was a grade ahead, and before 2 grades ahead). She's not as bad as that now, but prefers ps.

Edited January 15, 2012 by Karin

[kristinannie]

I haven't read any recent threads so don't think this is response to anything recent.

 

Just in general from what I have read I get the impression that everyone has advanced children that are just delightful little mini smart people. Don't get me wrong, my firstborn can be a saint and blow you away with mature, thoughtful, even selfless (appearing) behavior but more often ... completely not. :( He doesn't pour himself out in schoolish ways but he still soaks up information like a sponge, has an almost perfect visual and auditory memory, makes connections, even deep philosophical ones, notices nuanced details to a degree that can disturb me and is an incredible performance artist (seriously). The bad part is, he often doesn't use his "powers" for good and I don't know how to parent him in light of all the power plays and manipulation. He is a delightful child IF I have his respect but it's so hard to earn and maintain and I'm worn out with trying to have perfect control over my emotions, know everything, remember everything and do everything right. I have other children that need my attention, too. :crying:

 

 

 

:iagree: My gifted child is my hardest child to raise BY FAR. My son is very thoughtful and empathetic to others. I can have real conversations with him about deep topics (I coudn't believe the conversations we had when his friend died). He is an amazing little man. That said, he is a.lot.of.work. His emotions are more in line with a kid his age, but they are way more intense. He also is an extreme perfectionist and can be very prone to laziness if not challenged in school (or anger if he is too challenged). I spend a lot of time in prayer about him and am looking into finding some books to help me out. I was very similar as a child and I now know why I drove my mom insane. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world, but I don't think that having a gifted child is easy. I guess this really depends on the child, but in our case, it is not easy!!!

[ChristineW]

My kids are intense and stubborn and manipulative. Sometimes I worry that my little four year old is a monster--the stories she writes have the bad guys suffering fates worthy of a Grimm's fairy tale (and we don't read those because of a sensitive brother in the house who cried when Beauty's sisters were turned into stone in one variation of the tale).