Janie Grace Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 Do you think it's always just a personality issue? I mean, isn't it sometimes a character issue? Let me explain... I went to a homeschool support group meeting last week. There was one woman there, relatively new to the group, relatively young. She talked about 85% of the time. During dinner, while we're just chatting about whatever. After dinner, when we talk about homeschool issues and prayer requests. EVERYTHING ANYONE ELSE said reminded her of something about herself or her life or her kids. She never asked a single follow-up question. She didn't seem at all interested in anyone but her own self. I got so sick of hearing her voice! I thought, "who made you the most important person in this room?" It seems so clueless. I came home seething. I think conducting oneself that way is really selfish. I promised my dh that none of our children will leave our home without knowing how to prefer others in conversation. To me, it's a basic life skill. I'm not talking about being quiet little mice; I'm talking about give and take. My SIL traps me in conversation all the time. She talks AT me, on and on and on. To me, her message is just as clear as if she said it in plain English: "I don't care about you, your life, your week, etc. much at all -- I just want you to be a sounding board for every thought in my brain." I really resent it. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I should jump in better, be more aggressive conversationally. IDK... I just don't have patience for people who don't stop talking or ask questions. And if it's someone I actually care about (like my SIL) it hurts, because it feels like a sign that they don't value me. What do you think? Is this just a personality quirk? A sign of selfishness? Something else? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daisy Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 Do you think it's always just a personality issue? I mean, isn't it sometimes a character issue? Let me explain... I went to a homeschool support group meeting last week. There was one woman there, relatively new to the group, relatively young. She talked about 85% of the time. During dinner, while we're just chatting about whatever. After dinner, when we talk about homeschool issues and prayer requests. EVERYTHING ANYONE ELSE said reminded her of something about herself or her life or her kids. She never asked a single follow-up question. She didn't seem at all interested in anyone but her own self. I got so sick of hearing her voice! I thought, "who made you the most important person in this room?" It seems so clueless. I came home seething. I think conducting oneself that way is really selfish. I promised my dh that none of our children will leave our home without knowing how to prefer others in conversation. To me, it's a basic life skill. I'm not talking about being quiet little mice; I'm talking about give and take. My SIL traps me in conversation all the time. She talks AT me, on and on and on. To me, her message is just as clear as if she said it in plain English: "I don't care about you, your life, your week, etc. much at all -- I just want you to be a sounding board for every thought in my brain." I really resent it. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I should jump in better, be more aggressive conversationally. IDK... I just don't have patience for people who don't stop talking or ask questions. And if it's someone I actually care about (like my SIL) it hurts, because it feels like a sign that they don't value me. What do you think? Is this just a personality quirk? A sign of selfishness? Something else? ROFLOL. :iagree: Why do you think people pay for counselors? Listeners are in short supply in this world. I think it can be due to a number of things... The person is nervous and talks when she is nervous (this seems the case frequently). She is selfish and can't think of anyone but herself. She is socially clueless. She just flat out doesn't recognize that she is monopolizing the conversation. Most folks I personally know like this usually wind up hating themselves when they get home. They recognize AFTER the fact that they talked non-stop and feel terrible about it. But yes, it is most certainly irritating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 Some people talk to hide nervousness. Some people talk because they have been terribly lonely - maybe this meeting was the only time in a week this woman had a chance to talk with adults? (I certainly remember times when I was stuck home with my kids and would have talked any adult to death had there been one within earshot) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dustybug Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 Some people talk to hide nervousness.Some people talk because they have been terribly lonely - maybe this meeting was the only time in a week this woman had a chance to talk with adults? (I certainly remember times when I was stuck home with my kids and would have talked any adult to death had there been one within earshot) :iagree: This is me. :blushing: I'm a chatter. Sometimes I go on and on and on and on and on..... It's a nervous habit and 99% of the time I don't even realize I'm doing it until after the fact and then, like Daisy said, I feel awful about it and beat myself up for weeks. I also don't get out a ton. We share one vehicle and my DH works crazy overtime and has a 13 day on, 1 day off schedule. He works 2nd shift and mornings are when we school, so I don't get to go out and meet up with people often. I also don't know many other homeschoolers so most other women I know want to meet up sans children(theirs are in school), which I can't do. In fact, it's been over a month since I've met up with anyone and talked to anyone outside of my ILs and DH. :thumbdown: Usually, I only really get to see other people at church on Sundays. I also got brushed off a lot as a child and I think this makes me more apt to make sure that people really listen to me. While I know that chattering non stop is not the way to accomplish this, it is almost so deeply ingrained that I can hardly stop myself. I've been working on it for awhile, but it's a slow road. ETA: I am not that person that keeps a room full of people's attention though. I'm actually quite shy until someone starts chatting with me. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted January 7, 2012 Author Share Posted January 7, 2012 Thanks, that helps. Thinking about it as a nervous habit elicits a bit more compassion. Thanks for weighing in. I don't want to be a jerk about it (internally), I just have such a hard time not taking it personally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 Could be an Aspie thing. Ask me how I know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SJ. Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 That is me. I talk too much and later I go through the conversations. Sometimes I feel like an idiot afterwards. I enjoy social interaction and when I get it I just want it to go on and on, I'm sure others don't feel the same. I also tell people about things I have going on that are similar to what they said - not a way to one up someone but as a way of trying to relate or say "i know exactly how you feel." when you see me and don't feel like chatting you should :auto: and fast! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ester Maria Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 I consider myself a chatterbox, but I *never* behave like this. I know some people who do and even though they are good people, sometimes I have to exercise conscious self-control not to roll my eyes or something like that. However, unlike them, I do have that self-awareness so I do not do that, ultimately, while they do continue to talk and talk and talk. :lol: For some, I really think it is an inability to "read" people. Explicit verbal communication is only a part of the communication that goes on IRL - there are all kinds of subtle non-verbal clues that show you when to stop, when to switch topic, when to give some space to other people, when to stop inserting your own associations if you notice you had been monopolizing the conversation, etc. People who do not "get" body language, who do not get feigned "polite" interest, and who just go with their instict to talk without stopping to reconsider it (for some it may be an impulse control thing too) are typically in a BIG trouble after a while because you can only take the extreme annoyance for so long before you stop inviting them to join you. You can understand that somebody has a problem, but you do not have to put up with that problem and suffer through such awkward social events. When it is a simple nervousness, but it does not cross that certain line, I can even find it cute. :) I am not socially nervous, but I try to assist those people, and unless they go overboard with it, I am okay with them chatting a bit more than "normal". But the "cannot read people" ones really get on my nerves, even if I understand that it is a problem like any other problem and that they might not even be aware of it or know how to help it. If I can avoid them, I try to do that because it is hard to feel comfortable when you have to exercise active self-restraint all. the. time. not to say or do something which would be rude. That can really tire me, and I like to be relaxed and spontaneous when I socialize. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WeeBeaks Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 My son and husband are ADHD and do this. They can't read people very well at all. They talk people to death, about stuff the other person couldn't care less about. They are truly lovable people, honest. They are just socially awkward, though we work on it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houseofkids&pets Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 I think I have found my twin. I agree with everything that SJ wrote. I don't get out enough, so when I do....watch out. I will talk non-stop to anyone I see. I do mentally kick myself afterward if I analyze the conversation and realize that I spent too much time focusing on my topics of interest. I have really been making a conscious effort to ask others questions and refrain from making their stories become all about me. I stop myself when I know that the phrase "oh, that reminds me of....." is about to come out of my mouth. I am interested in what others have to say. I think that I just get so excited to have a conversation with another adult that I go over board. I'm not trying to be self-centered or rude and I hope that I don't come across that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 We had to teach Hobbes how to have conversations. He needed explicit instruction in the give-and take, and in how to realise when he was talking too much. He's a sweet, considerate boy but is happiest sharing every detail of his life. Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 *Sigh* This is my poor DD. She does have ADD, so don't know if that has anything to do with it? I know for her she just gets SO EXCITED over whatever is going on in her life it's like she zones in on it with tunnel vision. She doesn't even realize what she is doing until she has talked that person to death and they flee. I keep giving her reminders about how to have a conversation and not keep all the attention on herself. The advice that has worked best for her so far is to pretend she is a reporter on television. On television, the reporter wouldn't just start going on about what happened to HER. The reporter's job is to get the other person to talk. That really resonated with her. She is working on it but it is slow! I dread that she will start losing friends because people will think she is selfish. :sad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenangelcat Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 I used to be that way when I was younger due to being nervous but I learned to tone it down. I can listen well enough now. My issue is that I am very uncomfortable asking questions to get people to talk about themselves. It sounds to me like I'm reading a script and never feels natural even if I'm really interested in the person. Eye contact makes me uncomfortable as well so I'm sure that doesn't help things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 Some people are very uncomfortable with silence or lulls in conversation. They speak incessently to fill the quiet or -what they perceive to be- the awkward pauses normal to dialogue. I've always wondered if it's because there is so much noise pollution (radio, tv, now iPods) that people find it increasingly difficult to accept quiet. Or the fear that a conversation will have that quiet lull. I have a non-stop talker. We've worked on the art of conversation (there's even a book by that very name!) and use movies and people-watching sessions to illustrate the points I try to cover. We do Starbucks School once a week, and it's always an eye-opening experience for my talker to read the body language of others when they're sitting across from a non-stop talker. There are a very few who will never learn to be good -or even tolerable- conversationalists. Like my MIL. Even the grandkids hate talking to her because she ramrods over anything you want to add (even just to agree!) ... those few people you just have to accept as they are, and try to limit your exposure to them LOL. Most people, though, I think, aren't like that and don't desire to be like that; it's just a cover for nervousness or discomfort. It's hard to love someone like that because you don't want to hurt their feelings but it can take so much energy to be around them that you find yourself making excuses to not have to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 I'm more of a listener than a talker most of the time, so I enjoy people who have a lot to say. But the kind who monopolize the conversation and never let anyone else get a word in edgewise make me tired and I usually need a recovery period afterwards. I suspect they can't help it, but it sure is hard on everyone around them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquirrellyMama Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 Some people are very uncomfortable with silence or lulls in conversation. They speak incessently to fill the quiet or -what they perceive to be- the awkward pauses normal to dialogue. . Oh my, this is me. I hate silence, it makes me nervous. I don't know why. Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 It can be a nervous habit, especially in a new surrounding. However, it can be overcome by a little communications training. I'm a listener, quiet person, though, but I've seen the non-stop talker in action. I also worked in the business world for a decade, so you learn some professional communication skills, aka etiquette. In a groups of moms I try to bite my tongue unless I'm in charge. Sometimes I will try to draw others into the conversation. Sometimes I just sit back and enjoy the latte or whatever and listen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Do you think it's always just a personality issue? I mean, isn't it sometimes a character issue? Let me explain... I went to a homeschool support group meeting last week. There was one woman there, relatively new to the group, relatively young. She talked about 85% of the time. During dinner, while we're just chatting about whatever. After dinner, when we talk about homeschool issues and prayer requests. EVERYTHING ANYONE ELSE said reminded her of something about herself or her life or her kids. She never asked a single follow-up question. She didn't seem at all interested in anyone but her own self. I got so sick of hearing her voice! I thought, "who made you the most important person in this room?" It seems so clueless. I came home seething. I think conducting oneself that way is really selfish. I promised my dh that none of our children will leave our home without knowing how to prefer others in conversation. To me, it's a basic life skill. I'm not talking about being quiet little mice; I'm talking about give and take. My SIL traps me in conversation all the time. She talks AT me, on and on and on. To me, her message is just as clear as if she said it in plain English: "I don't care about you, your life, your week, etc. much at all -- I just want you to be a sounding board for every thought in my brain." I really resent it. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I should jump in better, be more aggressive conversationally. IDK... I just don't have patience for people who don't stop talking or ask questions. And if it's someone I actually care about (like my SIL) it hurts, because it feels like a sign that they don't value me. What do you think? Is this just a personality quirk? A sign of selfishness? Something else? I know many of these monologuers. They do not understand that conversation is like a tennis match ; back and forth. They never got the memo! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houseofkids&pets Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I get that uncomfortable feeling when there is lull in the conversation unless it is someone I am really close to. I feel the urgent need to say anything to fill the silence. That can lead to disaster....:001_huh: As I have gotten older, I definitely have to remind myself when I feel that way to think before I blurt out whatever comes to mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JessicaLady Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 It's so weird, b/c I find these people extremely annoying and yet....I AM ONE!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I consider myself a chatterbox, but I *never* behave like this. I know some people who do and even though they are good people, sometimes I have to exercise conscious self-control not to roll my eyes or something like that. However, unlike them, I do have that self-awareness so I do not do that, ultimately, while they do continue to talk and talk and talk. :lol: For some, I really think it is an inability to "read" people. Explicit verbal communication is only a part of the communication that goes on IRL - there are all kinds of subtle non-verbal clues that show you when to stop, when to switch topic, when to give some space to other people, when to stop inserting your own associations if you notice you had been monopolizing the conversation, etc. People who do not "get" body language, who do not get feigned "polite" interest, and who just go with their instict to talk without stopping to reconsider it (for some it may be an impulse control thing too) are typically in a BIG trouble after a while because you can only take the extreme annoyance for so long before you stop inviting them to join you. You can understand that somebody has a problem, but you do not have to put up with that problem and suffer through such awkward social events. When it is a simple nervousness, but it does not cross that certain line, I can even find it cute. :) I am not socially nervous, but I try to assist those people, and unless they go overboard with it, I am okay with them chatting a bit more than "normal". But the "cannot read people" ones really get on my nerves, even if I understand that it is a problem like any other problem and that they might not even be aware of it or know how to help it. If I can avoid them, I try to do that because it is hard to feel comfortable when you have to exercise active self-restraint all. the. time. not to say or do something which would be rude. That can really tire me, and I like to be relaxed and spontaneous when I socialize. This is me. It is a mixture of issues. I can talk someone's ear off and have to be "on" all the time to make sure I am remembering to let other people talk. I can't read nonverbal cues well, I rarely get adult interaction offline, and because I often feel like the outsider in things I share too much trying to show that I am like them too, that I have experiences etc like that too. Heck online I am long winded, and that is with the ability to cut things out after typing them. I hate that I am seen as annoying and that people may feel teh need to run the other way. People also do not always stop themselves from the eye rolling. My mother has rolled her eyes at me and walked away while I was midsentence for years, which had led to it's own issue of me wanting to get to the point faster so then I am speaking too much AND too fast. Actually the talking stuff has led to an increase in my social anxiety because I know I can not read the non verbal stuff and screw up the verbal part so I don't bother going out too much or talking to others very often anymore which then leads to others thinking I am rude or stuckup anyway. When you struggling in this area is it not necessarily a character issue, but it certainly is a troubling one where you can't win either way. Either you talk too much, or not enough, either way people think you are annoying and rude and avoid you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I think that women are a little more susceptible to this that men. And I think for some it gets worse with age. I used to work in a job that dealt with the public and you could tell some older women were just needing to talk to someone. I also have known people who did this, because they just didn't know how to carry on a conversation. One of my GM was like this. You could have just come back from an African safari and she would not ask you one question about it, but be monopolizing the conversation with what she told her neighbor in her small town. Then she would make up things about your trip because she would think that she should know the answer when someone asked her about your trip. Then if someone else asked you directly about your trip, she would kind of sneak up and listen. But once she had enough, she would butt in and talk about herself. I called her my crazy GM. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted January 8, 2012 Author Share Posted January 8, 2012 Great insights here. The thing about ADHD actually helps in thinking about my SIL... I have never considered it but I'd bet good money she has adult ADHD. That does help explain it. Kudos to you moms who are helping your kids -- observing, practicing, teaching them to be "reporters". It truly is a learned skill for most people, I bet. But nothing says consideration and friendship like someone genuinely curious about others. Interesting about the fear of silence. I bet that's true. So many people have so little silence in their lives (myself included). Often when I'm alone in the car (a rarity), I flip on the radio and then think "What am I doing?!? My life is FULL of noise." Then I turn it off and enjoy the silence... ahhhh... until it gets weird. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted January 8, 2012 Author Share Posted January 8, 2012 One of my GM was like this. You could have just come back from an African safari and she would not ask you one question about it, but be monopolizing the conversation with what she told her neighbor in her small town. Then she would make up things about your trip because she would think that she should know the answer when someone asked her about your trip. Then if someone else asked you directly about your trip, she would kind of sneak up and listen. But once she had enough, she would butt in and talk about herself. I called her my crazy GM. :) :lol: My mom is this way sometimes! It can seem so obvious to me that SHE should be the one asking questions (HELLO? I just moved, had a baby, whatever...) but she is going off about someone at her work that I don't know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Oh my, this is me. I hate silence, it makes me nervous. I don't know why. Kelly I have a close friend who gets very uncomfortable when it's too quiet. She's actually very social, and I think -for her- she feels like she's not being a good conversationalist if she lets one of those lulls slip in. I think some of that has to do with expectations much larger than she (society in general seems to 'need' or desire some level of noise -even white- in the background), and those social norms just re-inforce her own nervous habit of trying to avoid silence. I guess she feels pressured by the silence, and part of that is her personality and part of that is her social culture. I can see this being true in my own non-stop talker. Some of it seems inate, some of it seems conditioned. It's interesting how we are the way we are :). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Excelsior! Academy Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Oh, my. I really should :bigear:, but this thread is making me want to :leaving:. I will be quiet. I will be quiet. I will be quiet. :lurk5: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted January 8, 2012 Author Share Posted January 8, 2012 Oh, my. I really should :bigear:, but this thread is making me want to :leaving:. I will be quiet. I will be quiet. I will be quiet. :lurk5: Haha! Don't be quiet! Just ask follow-up questions sometimes! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dustybug Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Oh, my. I really should :bigear:, but this thread is making me want to :leaving:. I will be quiet. I will be quiet. I will be quiet. :lurk5: :tongue_smilie::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 autism spectrum disorders can lead to talkativeness that doesn't register anyone else's feelings. some other brain based disorders can turn someone into a motor mouth. eta: some of those that dominate, I've come to believe are very insecure and looking for approval. (yes, I know they are self-defeating in their tactics.). self-worth doesn't come from outside, but from within. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarreymere Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Sounds like you ran into a personality DISORDER, not necessarily just a quirk. I agree with the ADHD, also anxiety disorders can have that effect on a person. Worst case remember the thread about Narcissistic Personality disorder? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I know many of these monologuers. They do not understand that conversation is like a tennis match ; back and forth. They never got the memo! I think some people just need to be taught this skill explicitly. Most people I know like this aren't malicious in their intent (unlike the couple of narcissists I know that do this and follow up with corresponding behavior). They just have no filter and think out loud. Some people also don't think outside their bubble. I used to get really annoyed with people like this (I'm related to a couple). But if I remind myself WHY they might be this way, I can tolerate it much better and move on. Especially those people that are otherwise good and kind folks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mynyel Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 LOL I am the one that started the talking thread. I think all the points listed are valid. At home... well I can't really say much without getting banned :D especially when it comes to dh. I have a few choice words for his monologues at times. Not that it does any good. When he gets going he is a regular steamroller. Now since I don't talk at home, I know I can tend to talk a lot outside the home. However, I am very aware of how much I talk, I guess because I don't do it much at home. I try to ask questions and such. I try to be the enabler instead of the enabled!:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UnsinkableKristen Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I have a close friend who gets very uncomfortable when it's too quiet. She's actually very social, and I think -for her- she feels like she's not being a good conversationalist if she lets one of those lulls slip in. I think some of that has to do with expectations much larger than she (society in general seems to 'need' or desire some level of noise -even white- in the background), and those social norms just re-inforce her own nervous habit of trying to avoid silence. I guess she feels pressured by the silence, and part of that is her personality and part of that is her social culture. I can see this being true in my own non-stop talker. Some of it seems inate, some of it seems conditioned. It's interesting how we are the way we are :). Oh my gosh, am I your friend??? :lol: I HATE silences in conversations! I always feel like I have said something they didn't like, or that I was boring them, or not asking them enough questions, or not listening well, or they hurt their foot, or there is something wrong or........ LOL. I know that I have a terrible habit of interrupting people (although it usually is to agree with them!) and of always talking about my own related experiences. While I truly mean well (I want to agree with them or encourage them or etc), I know it can come across as self-indulgent, so I've tried to remind myself to ask more questions and to talk less than the person I'm talking to :D. I want people to enjoy coming over and chatting and or talking with me on the phone and not always feel like they are being talked AT :) (and now I have noticed that pretty much every sentence I've written said "I" about a thousand times. Which is the print equivalent of what we are talking about. So never mind me. How are YOU? What do YOU all feel about this? :D) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Oh my gosh, am I your friend??? :lol: I HATE silences in conversations! I always feel like I have said something they didn't like, or that I was boring them, or not asking them enough questions, or not listening well, or they hurt their foot, or there is something wrong or........ LOL. I know that I have a terrible habit of interrupting people (although it usually is to agree with them!) and of always talking about my own related experiences. While I truly mean well (I want to agree with them or encourage them or etc), I know it can come across as self-indulgent, so I've tried to remind myself to ask more questions and to talk less than the person I'm talking to :D. I want people to enjoy coming over and chatting and or talking with me on the phone and not always feel like they are being talked AT :) (and now I have noticed that pretty much every sentence I've written said "I" about a thousand times. Which is the print equivalent of what we are talking about. So never mind me. How are YOU? What do YOU all feel about this? :D) :lol: My BIL has song as the ringtone for our MIL. Cracks me up every time. If conversation is the dance, then I'm the uncoordinated klutz in the corner tripping over my shoes as I dance in place along the wall! I don't mind lulls in conversation, but I cause them because of my awkward attempts to affirm what they're saying. The other person will stop talking, surprised that I'm actually, finally, going to contribute something other than my ear, but really I have nothing to say other than "uh-huh" or "yes, me, too" LOL. So instead of a nice, conversational lull it's more like a valley of awkwardness as we step over each other's words. I listen more than I speak; it's a habit I developed from being uncomfortable learning a new language. Around friends, I talk so little that they're apt to sit up and pay attention when I do finally speak. And this is why I prefer the Internets LOL. Or having a coffee, tea, adult beverage or any other kind of prop when I'm around other people! I think you and I would complement each other well :D! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VaKim Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Do you think it's always just a personality issue? I mean, isn't it sometimes a character issue? Let me explain... I went to a homeschool support group meeting last week. There was one woman there, relatively new to the group, relatively young. She talked about 85% of the time. During dinner, while we're just chatting about whatever. After dinner, when we talk about homeschool issues and prayer requests. EVERYTHING ANYONE ELSE said reminded her of something about herself or her life or her kids. She never asked a single follow-up question. She didn't seem at all interested in anyone but her own self. I got so sick of hearing her voice! I thought, "who made you the most important person in this room?" It seems so clueless. I came home seething. I think conducting oneself that way is really selfish. I promised my dh that none of our children will leave our home without knowing how to prefer others in conversation. To me, it's a basic life skill. I'm not talking about being quiet little mice; I'm talking about give and take. My SIL traps me in conversation all the time. She talks AT me, on and on and on. To me, her message is just as clear as if she said it in plain English: "I don't care about you, your life, your week, etc. much at all -- I just want you to be a sounding board for every thought in my brain." I really resent it. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I should jump in better, be more aggressive conversationally. IDK... I just don't have patience for people who don't stop talking or ask questions. And if it's someone I actually care about (like my SIL) it hurts, because it feels like a sign that they don't value me. What do you think? Is this just a personality quirk? A sign of selfishness? Something else? I know exactly what you are talking about! It is not just that they talk a lot, from nervousness or whatever. I think it is definitely a character problem. I know a person like this. If someone in the group says they got a new car, he will not ask any questions at all, but will immediately start talking about how he had a car in the past that was so much faster and more expensive, etc. Or if they start to tell a story about something they saw or did, he will launch into a long monologue about something similar, but much more exciting, that he saw or did in the past. It is disgusting and selfish, and everyone but this person notices. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RegularMom Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I'm like this too. It's mostly a combination of nervousness and wanting to relate to others. I'm never trying to one-up someone when I tell a personal experience. I'm always trying to say: hey, I've been there too. But I can see how it can come across in a different way. sigh... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChandlerMom Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 (edited) First I'd consider HOW she talked abtou everything -- was it bragging or not? If a person is going on about how much better THEIR kids/house/dog/shampoo is, they might be self-centered. Otherwise it's probably nervousness or lack of social skills. I don't think it has to be a personality disorder, ADHD/ADD or autism, though. Most introverts struggle with this. In my 20s I especially struggled with it. I wasn't talking to brag or because I cared to hear myself, after all I didn't LEARN anything NEW when I talked and so talking is actually BORING to me. I talked to entertain (usual self-depricating stories) or to be helpful or to try to find commonalities. I figured if someone had something they wanted to share they'd volunteer it. :lol: If I didn't know someone well, I rarely would ASK questions, since I didn't want to be nosey or make them uncomfortable, but I was hoping they'd WANT to tell me more. ;) I couldn't see the difference between polite smiles and people really enjoying themselves. Eventually introverts usually learn (at least the rules of the bizarre rituals) or decide to avoid extroverts who came up with these strange rules of communication. But don't worry, introverts tend to find extroverts equally frustrating. How come most extroverts can navigate the intricacies of a dinner party so effortlessly and yet be so completely clueless about their internal workings? :lol: "I don't know WHY I did that?" Oh, come on! And why can't you make those social cues a little more obvious? Are you trying to confuse introverts? <<being facetious here, but compassion and tolerance are always good things>> :D ETA: I do much better now, in part because my dh is sooo GOOD at reading social cues and when we were dating could non critically tell me what he was reading in a group. He's a very perceptive introvert. Maybe we need to form support teams or make adult remedial social camps for the socially inept. :) No one ever HELPS people with weak social skills, like they'd help someone with weak math or reading skills. Edited January 8, 2012 by ChandlerMom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VaKim Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I'm like this too. It's mostly a combination of nervousness and wanting to relate to others. I'm never trying to one-up someone when I tell a personal experience. I'm always trying to say: hey, I've been there too. But I can see how it can come across in a different way. sigh... There is nothing at all wrong with just sharing your experiences. That is conversation, after all. The problem is when there is obvious constant bragging and a complete disinterest in what anybody else is saying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mirth Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I am an expert re-directer. Picking up on small opportunities to re-direct the flow of a conversation. Do not wait for a lull. It will never happen because they are anaerobic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Most folks I personally know like this usually wind up hating themselves when they get home. They recognize AFTER the fact that they talked non-stop and feel terrible about it. :iagree: Some people talk because they have been terribly lonely - maybe this meeting was the only time in a week this woman had a chance to talk with adults? :iagree: I'm one of THOSE people. I know it. I hate it. Depression is a result of the self-talk that comes after you've know you screwed up...again. I've been working for years to change it. Changing has been extremely hard. Before I even leave for a social situation, I start reminding myself what I'm suppose to do, trying to come up with questions I can pose to the people I will be meeting. While listening, I spend most of my energy, not on listening, but on trying to keep myself from interrupting and sharing what comes to mind. I'm actually trying to figure out what kind of response is appropriate so I don't screw up...again. I definitely think ADD plays a role. I also got brushed off a lot as a child and I think this makes me more apt to make sure that people really listen to me. While I know that chattering non stop is not the way to accomplish this, it is almost so deeply ingrained that I can hardly stop myself. I've been working on it for awhile, but it's a slow road. :iagree: My dad used to hold up his hand and move it like your making a hand puppet talk and say, "Yap, yap, yap. All you do is yap," when I tried to talk to him. It was very hurtful to grow up knowing my dad didn't want to hear anything I had to say. The conversations I enjoy the most are with a friend who has Asperger's. She and I seem to have the same energy level when it comes to conversation. We interrupt each other, talk fast, talk a lot, and have crazy subject changes...both of us...and it is very enjoyable. I come away feeling like we both had fun rather than feeling like I messed up again. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 Do you think it's always just a personality issue? I mean, isn't it sometimes a character issue? Let me explain... My SIL traps me in conversation all the time. She talks AT me, on and on and on. To me, her message is just as clear as if she said it in plain English: "I don't care about you, your life, your week, etc. much at all -- I just want you to be a sounding board for every thought in my brain." I really resent it. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I should jump in better, be more aggressive conversationally. IDK... I just don't have patience for people who don't stop talking or ask questions. And if it's someone I actually care about (like my SIL) it hurts, because it feels like a sign that they don't value me. What do you think? Is this just a personality quirk? A sign of selfishness? Something else? *sigh* I have a SIL that does this, too, as well as constant offering of opinions nobody wants to hear and re-telling of precious stories that she's already said 8 billion times. ROFLOL. :iagree: Why do you think people pay for counselors? Listeners are in short supply in this world. I think it can be due to a number of things... The person is nervous and talks when she is nervous (this seems the case frequently). She is selfish and can't think of anyone but herself. She is socially clueless. She just flat out doesn't recognize that she is monopolizing the conversation. Most folks I personally know like this usually wind up hating themselves when they get home. They recognize AFTER the fact that they talked non-stop and feel terrible about it. But yes, it is most certainly irritating. :iagree: This can definitely be nervousness. I think my SIL does it because of nervousness, loneliness, socially cluelessness and self-centeredness. It's all of those things. It is really annoying. I think I have probably done it once in a while because I was trying to overcome shyness in a group of strangers - I overcompensated. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RegularMom Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 While listening, I spend most of my energy, not on listening, but on trying to keep myself from interrupting and sharing what comes to mind. I'm actually trying to figure out what kind of response is appropriate so I don't screw up...again. Yep. This is me too. sigh... But then, next thing you know, I find myself driving home, wondering when exactly I gave up trying to not interrupt, and wishing I hadn't talked so much. sigh... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 Or you can be devious (like myself) and carry with you a bag of needlework (lately it has been crochet) ready to whip it out if there is a windbag or boring conversation going on and on. LOL I'll crochet as the person just speaks into the wind. With a sly smile on my face. ;) One time, I did this and the group of women who were being spoken to by the windbag saw me crocheting in the circle we sat in. One question about crochet lead to another and soon it caused the girls in the circle to outsmart the windbag and re-direct the conversation. Heheheheeee. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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