Just need to vent about Dh and job!

[thowell]

My dh is a salesman. He has 15 years experience in his industry 8 of which are management. We live in a small area, where he was born and raised. His industry in this area has taken a huge hit over the last several years. To give you an example 3-4 years ago he was easily making 70,000-90,000 a year. This year he made just over 30,000. The company he works for (which happens to be the best in our area) pays no salary to the sales staff only commission. Next month will be our third month with no commission. All savings is gone. I have tried to talk to him about relocating and he wont even consider it. There is an opportunity in another state that would pay him 50,000 a year salary plus commission. Others in this position average 90,000 a year. Now, I should say that he does have a daughter here from his first marriage. He has every other weekend visitation. Obviously if we relocated that would change. I get that, I guess I just can't help but feel a little bitter that this would keep him from making a change for the rest of our family. We have 2 other kids at home that we need to provide for. I don't have alot of options. I DO NOT want to have to put them into PS to go to work and dh does not want me to work at night. What else can I do? I have begged him to please consider all the options and he just puts me off and does nothing. I am so frustrated. I am not asking to be rich. I just want to be able to pay our bills and give the girls what they need. Right now I can't figure out how I will even pay $25 next week for their music lessons. That doesn't seem like a lot to ask. Am i being selfish? Just really need to get this off my chest before I blow my lid with him.

[Melinda in VT]

You asked a question, but then also said you just wanted to vent. Is this a Just Agree With Me post, or do you want opinions?

 

:grouphug:

[Danestress]

Take any one of your children and ask, "How would I feel about moving away and leaving this child behind?" I wouldn't do it. That option would be off the table for me. I would just quit the music lessons if I had to. That's not a need. I would get a part time job, find some kind of work at home option - anything. But I would not relocate away from a child in any scenario I can think of. Non-custodial parents often feel a lot of guilt about their circumstances, and since he has limited visitation with her, he wants to protect that.

 

Putting the kids in public school for a year would be low on my list of acceptable options, but I would do that before I would move away from my own child. Perhaps just one year of them in school and you working full time even at a low wage would "tide you over" until his business picks back up. But while your options really stink - cause the economy really stinks - I would just take the option of moving off the table. He may resent you forever if he folds and moves to make you happy and then sees less of his daughter. It wouldn't be worth it to me.

[thowell]

HAHA, opinions are great. Yes I need to vent because I am getting angry and frustrated with him but I am always open to others opinions.

[houseofkids&pets]

:grouphug::grouphug: Sorry, I don't have any great advice but wanted to send some hugs your way. You are in a tough situations since there is another child involved.

[Melinda in VT]

Danestress said what I was thinking, except that as the parent of kids in public school, I would put that option higher on the list than she did.

 

Your step-daughter is 12, right? That's awfully young to have her relationship with her father sacrificed so that your kids can have music lessons and the ideal-for-them educational environment.

 

But more :grouphug: because situations like this stink.

[thowell]

Take any one of your children and ask, "How would I feel about moving away and leaving this child behind?" I wouldn't do it. That option would be off the table for me. I would just quit the music lessons if I had to. That's not a need. I would get a part time job, find some kind of work at home option - anything. But I would not relocate away from a child in any scenario I can think of. Non-custodial parents often feel a lot of guilt about their circumstances, and since he has limited visitation with her, he wants to protect that.

 

Putting the kids in public school for a year would be low on my list of acceptable options, but I would do that before I would move away from my own child. Perhaps just one year of them in school and you working full time even at a low wage would "tide you over" until his business picks back up. But while your options really stink - cause the economy really stinks - I would just take the option of moving off the table. He may resent you forever if he folds and moves to make you happy and then sees less of his daughter. It wouldn't be worth it to me.

 

 

I understand what you are saying and appreciate your thoughts. No the music lessons are not do or die it is just the only extra things they have. Would it make any difference if I told you his dd is 13 and doesn't want to be with us? She lives a very different life with her mother and she just told dh a few weeks ago that she just doesn't want to be here? Maybe that adds to my frustration. I feel like he is making a huge sacrifice that the rest of us have to suffer from for a child that doesn't even want to be with him. Also, what about people who have no choice. What if they are in the military or their company transfers them? How do they deal with visitations? I do work from home put it is hit and miss. I am considering other options and thinking about trying to get an LPN license (would only take a year) and then work only on the weekends. Dh is just going to have to give somewhere.

[thowell]

Please understand this is not ABOUT MUSIC LESSONS! We about 3 months behind on mortgage our phone will be cut off any day. We are on food stamps right now in order to be able to feed the kids. We are living off of less than $1000 a month and even without the lessons are bills are roughly $2000 a month. We are not surviving and are about to lose everything we have!

[Melinda in VT]

Please understand this is not ABOUT MUSIC LESSONS! We about 3 months behind on mortgage our phone will be cut off any day. We are on food stamps right now in order to be able to feed the kids. We are living off of less than $1000 a month and even without the lessons are bills are roughly $2000 a month. We are not surviving and are about to lose everything we have!

 

That is a different impression than I got from your first post. I would still put my kids in school and go to work full-time OR get a job working in the evenings, whichever would make more money.

 

I know teenagers can be a pain, but sometimes they need us most when they are least lovable.

[Danestress]

I don't think you should make decisions based on her saying things like that. A man with a daughter that age needs to woo her - make time for her, love her through the tough times, build bridges rather than burn them, stay humble and available even when she is being a pill. Even if she doesn't want to stay over at your house, he still needs time with her, needs to be at her big events (sports, music, whatever), needs to make time for her in his life. It crushes the heart to think of him doing otherwise.

 

Lots of kids don't live near a parent and it doesn't kill them. Lots of people exercise visitation from a distance, and they figure out how to make it work. But for me, I wouldn't choose to live far from my own child, even if my EX did. And I wouldn't appreciate a spouse trying to make me do so. For military families, there is less of a choice, and kids understand that. It's just not the same as a Dad moving with some of his kids so that they can have a certain type of life. But even apart from what it is like for the kid, HE doesn't want to miss out on this part of his daughter's life, and I wouldn't want to either. I just wouldn't be willing to move away from a 12 year old daughter, regardless of whether she would be willing to move away from me. A child is a treasure - it's the best of what we will ever have on this earth. I couldn't do it.

 

ETA: I just read your other post about the direness of your financial situation. Honestly, if if it that bad and your DH won't take action, I would. I just couldn't bear it if there were jobs out there. I would tell him that he may not want me to work at night, but I *am* working at night for a while - or I would look into school for the rest of the school year, and do that. Like you, the financial strain would be really really hard on me. Is your DH depressed?

Edited January 7, 2012 by Danestress

[Samiam]

I get both sides.

 

I mean, I totally see that leaving the daughter, at least not seeing her as much, would be horrible, and not a fair choice for you to force him to make.......on the other hand.........

 

your DH needs to give on some side of the issue. He doesn't want to move, he doesn't want you to get a job......what are his ideas to solve the issue?

 

I wouldn't take the 13 year old saying that she doesn't want to be at your house too literally.....that's probably a normal 13 year thing to say, especially in divorce situation. Lots of 13 year old hormones kicking around and then add divorce to it......I think I would remove that equation from the factor in terms of "reasons".

 

Personally, families move all of the time, and divorced children deal with long-distance parenting often. It's not a wonderful situation, but sometimes it is what it is, an adult has to do what has to be done.

 

Is your DH okay with the financial situation? Does he see it ever getting better in your area?

 

I'd be the one pushing for a move, to get a better job. We'd make the visitations with the daughter work. Hey, more $$ means being able to afford plane tickets, etc.

[kalanamak]

:grouphug: I would be ready to blow a lid, too.

 

Personally, I'd take a night job and let him stew about it. A stubborn husband is not worth ruining a credit record, nor your health over worry and sorrow.

:grouphug::grouphug:

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I know teenagers can be a pain, but sometimes they need us most when they are least lovable.

 

I distinctly remember not wanting to be anywhere near my family at 12-13. I wouldn't move, either.

 

We are in a similar, but not quite as dire situation right now. Dh's income for 2011 was about 60% of what it was in 2010. Fortunately, he still gets a small base salary, so we at least can count on that. I've been deciding whether to pay bills or buy groceries for months. Thanks to generous family members, my kids had a pretty good holiday, because we would not have been able to purchase gifts.

 

So, I'm meeting with a new mother on Tuesday to see about babysitting her infant when she goes back to work. I don't really want to do it, but I see no other options while the economy is this bad. I really can't send my older son back to PS. It was that awful for him. I think you need to do whatever it takes to make some money until your husband can start making money again. I understand your frustration with your dh. Mine wants to stick his head in the sand and pretend it isn't happening as well. They work so hard, and then get kicked in the gut after years of working. Hang in there. :grouphug:

[cjzimmer1]

Take any one of your children and ask, "How would I feel about moving away and leaving this child behind?" I wouldn't do it. That option would be off the table for me. I would just quit the music lessons if I had to. That's not a need. I would get a part time job, find some kind of work at home option - anything. But I would not relocate away from a child in any scenario I can think of. Non-custodial parents often feel a lot of guilt about their circumstances, and since he has limited visitation with her, he wants to protect that.

 

Putting the kids in public school for a year would be low on my list of acceptable options, but I would do that before I would move away from my own child. Perhaps just one year of them in school and you working full time even at a low wage would "tide you over" until his business picks back up. But while your options really stink - cause the economy really stinks - I would just take the option of moving off the table. He may resent you forever if he folds and moves to make you happy and then sees less of his daughter. It wouldn't be worth it to me.

 

 

:iagree: with everything she said.

 

My husband was unemployed all summer and I get how stressful it is not to have money. But I also learned we could live on considerably less than I thought we could as long as MY attitude changed. I had to reevaluate everything. Do we really NEED this item or do I just want it because it's cute, cheap, useful etc? Also it became a game for the whole family, how can we deal with this situation without spending money. Get the kids to help brainstorm ways to solve the problem. Can you make something that will do the job, use something else, is it really necessary?

 

Think about the things that are currently costing money and stressing your budget. I'll use your music lessons since you mentioned them. First are they truly a necessity or just something enjoyable? Could you talk to the teacher about reducing their fees, could you barter with them (say clean their house, office, mow their lawn) in exchange for free lesson? Could you find a different teacher with cheaper rates? Could you find a computer based program that will cost less in the long run? Could you teach them yourself?

 

Go through that though process with anything that is not a basic expense (food, shelter, and I'd say clothing but I've learned the majority of our clothing items are truly not necessary a few changes of clothes per person is sufficient)

 

No matter what our income, I've always found things I could cut no matter how tight the budget. Granted I've not always liked it, but it could be done without affecting our well being.

 

Also do think about the message you would be sending your step daughter if you moved away. As a child, I would think the message that would come across is that his 2 children with you are more important than she is. Is that the message you want to send her?

[SunD]

First some :grouphug:, you must be really stressed over these money issues. And his refusal to move is pretty hard to understand given the situation.

 

Moving might be for the best if he's guaranteed a job somewhere else, but moving costs money. You'd also want to be up-to-date on your mortgage or it would be really hard to sell, not to mention to get another mortgage to buy a house wherever you move for a better job. You won't even be able to rent a nice place if your credit is ruined.

 

You need more money before moving will become an option to seriously consider. Right now the plans to consider are you working nights, him working nights on top of his day job, or you working and putting the DC in PS. You working AND him working nights, even, if the money situation requires it. You don't have a year for training if you're barely treading water.

 

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but if I needed to address a situation like this with a friend, that is exactly what I would tell her, and it's what I would need to hear from a friend as well. I sincerely hope you're able to work this out and find some peace. I wish all the best to your family.

[elegantlion]

Please understand this is not ABOUT MUSIC LESSONS! We about 3 months behind on mortgage our phone will be cut off any day. We are on food stamps right now in order to be able to feed the kids. We are living off of less than $1000 a month and even without the lessons are bills are roughly $2000 a month. We are not surviving and are about to lose everything we have!

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: I get it, I'm sorry. I understand what it's like to give up everything you feel is a choice and live on survival. I understand the frustration about the music lesson and on down (up) in priorities.

 

There is living on less, then is there is trying to live on nothing. Please know you are not the circumstances in your life. :grouphug: I'm sorry.

[fairfarmhand]

I understand what you are saying and appreciate your thoughts. No the music lessons are not do or die it is just the only extra things they have. Would it make any difference if I told you his dd is 13 and doesn't want to be with us? She lives a very different life with her mother and she just told dh a few weeks ago that she just doesn't want to be here? Maybe that adds to my frustration. I feel like he is making a huge sacrifice that the rest of us have to suffer from for a child that doesn't even want to be with him. Also, what about people who have no choice. What if they are in the military or their company transfers them? How do they deal with visitations? I do work from home put it is hit and miss. I am considering other options and thinking about trying to get an LPN license (would only take a year) and then work only on the weekends. Dh is just going to have to give somewhere.

 

My dd is stuck with her two parents and does not want to live here. She went on and on a few weeks ago about how cool it would be to live with her best friend.

 

So the 13 yr old garbage about not wanting to be there is just garbage. If that helps at all.

 

I am so sorry for your circumstances however, your stepdaughter would be very hurt for her father to move away without trying EVERY possible avenue to be close by, no matter what she actually says.

[bettyandbob]

Honestly, many 12 yo are awful to be around. But a lot of 12 yos would interpret someone moving away as further rejection confirming that she is correct in her behavior.

 

Moving away would be the last thing I did. I would move if there were no jobs for either parent. Even if she says she hates him her dad needs to be nearby. I would put the other kids in public school before I relocated away from one of my dc.

 

If the choice for you to work at night/weekends or put the kids in public school then you need to weigh that carefully. Make a decision and accept it. Make peace with your dh about the decision and accept his dd, even if she acts like an ungrateful teenager, because she probably will act that way for a while.

[Margaret in GA]

:grouphug: :grouphug: I get it, I'm sorry. I understand what it's like to give up everything you feel is a choice and live on survival. I understand the frustration about the music lesson and on down (up) in priorities.

 

There is living on less, then is there is trying to live on nothing. Please know you are not the circumstances in your life. :grouphug: I'm sorry.

 

It really sounds to me like the music lessons are a very minor part of the financial problem here. She has said there has been no paycheck for two months. You can't just coupon your way out of that situation.

 

I agree with the poster that pointed out moving is costly. It is and if you have no income whatsoever, it's not going to work in the immediate. I would take a night job and try to pay some bills while my husband sat on his hands. Listen, I have a husband in sales and it is a really hard job. Sounds like he's in a massive slump. I definitely think you'll have to move (if there truly is nothing else for him to do in your town- has he looked into a management position in retail or restaurant?) But he's not in the mindset yet. Salespeople convince themselves that it will all come together next month. It may take him some time. So, get a job and he'll see the light. :grouphug:

Margaret

[OLG]

:grouphug: This would drive me nuts too.

 

Have you and dh really talked about ALL the reasons he is hesitant to move? When you wrote that he has lived in this town his whole life, it struck me that he might be a tad scared about the idea of leaving the known for the unknown. I fully understand the step-daughter situation and the blasted difficulties of preteens and teens -argh. I fear you would resent him further if you had to take on a night job as well as home school or at least I would if it were petty me! Is there any opportunity for him to pick up an additional sales job if things are so slow at his present job? Something that would dovetail with his work but not compete? You are in a tough spot. I think I might consider putting the kids in school for a bit till the job situation turns around if he is dead set on not moving. You can always yank them out later and what a wonderful feeling that would be!

[butterflymommy]

I'm going to be the voice of dissent here-- if he could essentially triple his salary by moving elsewhere I think he should do it IF you can use/ save the money wisely and frugally and live beneath your means. That money will help his other daughter in the long run (and short term too, as I imagine his child support obligation will increase), and income tends to have an exponential nature... the more you make, the more you make.

 

My husband took a job out of state and has quadrupled his income by doing so... we only see him on the weekends. But it has allowed us to move to a beautiful home in a safe neighborhood and has given us a great deal of financial freedom, which is a blessing. Sometimes you just do what you have to do-- life isn't always perfect and moving for better income is a fact of life for many people.

[KungFuPanda]

We were in a similar situation a few years ago (minus the step daughter). I regret not putting the kids in school and going back to work. If I'd done that, we wouldn't have debt from those lean years hanging over us right now. It feels like such a long slow climb to face now because I was too afraid to put my kids through a temporary lifestyle change.

 

Also, A LOT of 13-year-olds are moody and difficult. It's a tough age; similar to toddlerhood in so many ways. It would be really difficult for her to lose what little contact she has with a father who clearly WANTS to be part of her life. Think how you'd feel if he chose to spend almost no time with your child because he/she was a difficult toddler who cried and made demands all the time. Now translate that feeling of abandonment to the head of a young teen girl. I understand why your husband wouldn't consider moving before exhausting every other option.

[ereks mom]

I don't think you should make decisions based on her saying things like that. A man with a daughter that age needs to woo her - make time for her, love her through the tough times, build bridges rather than burn them, stay humble and available even when she is being a pill. Even if she doesn't want to stay over at your house, he still needs time with her, needs to be at her big events (sports, music, whatever), needs to make time for her in his life. It crushes the heart to think of him doing otherwise.?

 

:iagree:

 

Is your DH depressed?

 

That's what I'm wondering too.

[In2why]

I remember reading a study that stated that when finances are bad men are likely to hand bill paying over to their wives. I am not sure it is true but it discussed denial and how mentally it is hard to face reality. I mention this because when we had a business that was bleeding us dry, the pattern followed. Luckily it wasn't our primary income, but we wound up losing over 80 grand before we pulled the plug. The way I forced the issue was actually making him decide whether he wanted to pay the employees or the lease.

Does your DH sit with the bills deciding if you are going to pay the power bill or the car payment for example? If not I would do it together so that he has to face the issue.

 

I am not sure what I would do in your situation. I hope that you don't become resentful towards your step daughter but human nature makes that hard even if your head knows it isn't her fault. I am sure that the child support payments don't make it easier.

This is the worse in the vows that you guys took. The other question is if you could even find a job if you decide to go that route. Does unemployment help cover months when his income is zero?

No matter what this is a tough situation.

[thowell]

I really appreciate all the opinions. Yes, I have to agree that I can understand him not wanting to move away from her. Of course even thought I understand this doesn't make it any easier for me to take. I do think he is depressed and worried. I worked as a nursing aid for years and let my license expire when we got married. i am looking into renewing it and getting a job on a 3-11 shift. That way I could still school them at home. I talked to dh just now and ran this by him and of course he doesn't like it. He wants me at home to take care of everything like I always have, but something has to give. Him getting a second job would be almost impossible because in his field he never knows what time he will get off. If you have a customer you can't just leave them. He mentioned maybe starting a cleaning business together that we could do at night, (apartment complexes, business offices) so I am going to explore this option. Also needed to say that we have cut everything we can cut. we have a small mortgage of only $600 and the phone is the last luxury we have. No cells, no cable, no eat outs, no family trips, no sports programs. The music lessons are the only extra and yes we will be cutting them. We have 2 vehicles but only run 1 in order to save gas. One is paid for and the other is $232 a month. We haven't lived an expensive life and gotten ourselves in debt we just can't pay the minimums. I am off to clean my mom's house to make $50. I will mull over all the opinions and ideas you all have mentioned. Thanks for the support and listening to me vent. OH< if the phone goes so does the internet, what will I do without these forums??? Just a little humor in the midst of a bad situation. To bad I don't drink I could use one right about now. Thank you all!

[Annie G]

You have to do what it takes to take care of your family. The basics are NOT being met- mortgage is behind, phone is about to be shut off. Something has to give and the two of you have to decide together how that will happen.

Starting a cleaning business at night will leave the kids alone, won't it? Or even if they come, it's not fun for kids, and certainly not family time. You getting a part time job while dh is home to be with the kids sounds like the best solution until he faces the fact that relocation is probably a must.

 

I hope he comes around- if he can make good money by relocating, he'll honestly feel much better about himself. Not being able to provide for the family has to be stressful, and not earning what he's worth is depressing.

 

Hugs to you- I know how hard it can be. We moved 850 miles away from our families to take a job 20 years ago. Our oldest two grew up and decided to move back to Atlanta- so really, all of our family is there. It's hard to be a long way away.

[Laura in MI]

:grouphug: I'm sorry.

 

I'd have to agree with your dh about not moving away from his daughter, my dh was away from his other kids for 2 1/2 years when their mom moved to California. It was not good for their relationships at all.

 

But your dh has to budge somewhere.

He could get a second job, You could get a job, You can move into a more affordable apartment/house, only buy things you need.

 

:grouphug: I'm praying for your family :grouphug:

[Anne in CA]

I have lived in a small community with little opportunity, and I say, get out if you can convince him. I think a lot of people do not understand the true limits of rural America right now. I think if the people who said they would never move away from a child knew what it is really like and the real limitations of your community they would not have been so hasty.

 

The 13yo can do visits on Christmas, Spring Break, summer, and the odd long weekend. Yes, 13yo girls do not mean what they say 1/2 the time. It is very hard to go between a home with boundaries and a home with none, which is what I'm guessing your problem is. She just has probably gotten used to the freedom at her mother's house and doesn't want to deal with rules and younger siblings that seem extra annoying at this age. She still loves your dh. She still needs a dad. That said, she needs her child support to be paid. She will resent him even more if he is not able to help her mom pay her house payment and she doesn't get new school clothes next year.

 

You will resent her even more if you are working nights, and your dh is spending the money you are wearing yourself out for on an ungrateful child. That needs to be something you think about very carefully.

[Teachin'Mine]

Maybe you could ask your husband if he'd be willing to relocate for about two years or so. With his potential income, you could easily afford to fly his daughter to stay with you, or even build in time to travel back to the hometown for him to spend time with her there. These are tough times. Your husband is fortunate that he's got other employment opportunities and IMO he should jump at them now. You can always decide to move back if/when the economy in that area improves. I'm sure his employer will have a place for him when things are better. :grouphug:

[Impish]

I agree w/the others about not moving away from his dd.

 

As much of a pill as teens can be, she needs her Daddy, period. She needs to know that he will be there for her, come H*ll or high water.

 

And, I can't imagine the resentment he'd have towards you if he did allow you to convince him to move. If it were me, it would be huge, and likely tear apart the marriage. I can't imagine my spouse demanding I move away from my child.

 

Yes, the lack of income is a huge blow to the ego. Wolf used to be in sales and marketing, so I truly do understand what that's like. He was always on edge, only as good as his last deal...the stress was astronomical. And when the deals aren't getting done, even though it's through no fault of his own, he still viewed it as his failing.

 

I'd encourage your dh to look at a different field...management rather than front line sales. One agreement Wolf and I made was no 100% commission jobs anymore. Base salary *had* to be a living wage.

 

Wolf ended up completely jumping ship. He'd come home to start his own biz, and then I was injured at work. He took the first job offer he received, doing landscaping...and is 100x happier w/out the constant stress of sales.

 

In your situation, I'd simply tell dh that I was going to work, period. And when things improved, I'd happily quit, but for now, we simply couldn't afford the luxury of one of us home ft.

 

Oh, and I was a nursing attendant. Worked 3-11. Hs'd the kids during the day. Worked beautifully for us until my injury.

[Impish]

You will resent her even more if you are working nights, and your dh is spending the money you are wearing yourself out for on an ungrateful child. That needs to be something you think about very carefully.

I disagree. Children should not have to be grateful to get their basic needs met. It's what parents are *supposed* to do.

 

And frankly, I don't know of a child or teen that says, "Gee, thanks for providing me with food, clothes and shelter! You're awesome!"

 

Not to mention that the dd was there before the OP. It's not like the child sprung out of the bushes after they were married and she was totally unaware.

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

I didn't read any replies past you (the OP comment on page 3) but is there any way you can move but close enough still for weekend visits? I mean, an hour hour and a half away would not mess with visits-- we drive 1 hour 30 minutes one way just to buy groceries :lol: (we live seriously rural so our sense of reasonable has greatly changed)

 

If he were to find another job in another city but closer to where his daughter is he probably wouldn't make 90K a year (we are no where near that lol) but could be enough to provide, kwim? Is that at all an option? That way he would not have to sacrifice visits with his daughter. He wouldn't be as close but close enough so he still could make major events, weekend visits and be there in any emergency.

[Bang!Zoom!]

Have you thought about throwing your tax return at the things you are behind on if you get one?

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Super-nosy, don't feel you have to answer, but I wonder if you've done the math:

 

How is the reduced income affecting his daughter's support? Is she also hurting or suffering for material needs because he's not making as much money?

 

Does she need him to look for other options as much as your children need him to?

[Starr]

If he's unwilling/unable to change his job situation, you don't have enough money live on, and you don't want to put the kids in school then I guess you need to get a night job until things resolve. Maybe while he's fixing dinner, and organizing bedtime he'll sort things out. I'm really sorry. This must be so difficult. Throwing a temperamental teen that you love in the mix doesn't make it easier.

[ktgrok]

If he is making zero money why doesn't he quit, stay home with the kids and you work? Just till he finds something else? Seems silly to arrange everything around a job that has zero income.

[Dandelion]

There is an opportunity in another state that would pay him 50,000 a year salary plus commission. Others in this position average 90,000 a year.

 

Now, I should say that he does have a daughter here from his first marriage. He has every other weekend visitation. Obviously if we relocated that would change.

 

Sounds like a really difficult, frustrating situation. :grouphug:

 

In reading through your post and all the responses, what strikes me is that staying where you currently are seems to require a complete upheaval for everyone in order to make things work. Either your DH takes on a second or even third job, or you go to work and the kids have to go to school, etc.

 

If you move and your DH takes the $50K + commission job, he could still travel back to to see his DD for the every other weekend visitation, just as he does now. Even if he spends $12k per year on travel (assuming it's too far to drive and he has to fly), you still come out way ahead financially. Yes, travelling twice per month can be stressful and inconvenient - but it seems like staying to pursue the alternative options would be much more stressful for everyone involved.

 

If the financial stress is gone (not to mention the strain this appears to be putting on your marriage, and the impact to your kids), your DH will probably be much more "available" to his DD when he does see her. If he truly only sees her 2x month now, moving to take a much higher paying job doesn't necessarily need to change that.

 

Hope you find a solution that addresses the needs of everyone involved.

 

ETA: I have never dealt with visitation so my suggestion about your DH travelling back to see his DD (instead of her coming to stay with you as it sounds like she does now) may be completely unrealistic....

Edited January 7, 2012 by Dandelion

[Anne in CA]

I disagree. Children should not have to be grateful to get their basic needs met. It's what parents are *supposed* to do.

 

And frankly, I don't know of a child or teen that says, "Gee, thanks for providing me with food, clothes and shelter! You're awesome!"

 

Not to mention that the dd was there before the OP. It's not like the child sprung out of the bushes after they were married and she was totally unaware.

 

 

Oh Imp, I was not saying that the dd should be grateful. I have more sense than that:lol::lol::lol: I was hoping that the OP would see that her working a part time job at night to help with finances is not going to fix the problem. It will make the OP more resentful of the situation when the money she makes is not only not enough for her own family, lots of it will probably be spent on the step dd, who DESERVES to be supported without a lot of drama. Yes, the OP knew the dd was alive when she got married, she probably has sacrificed a good deal for the said child without any complaint. But when you work on your feet and are tired and you can't meet your own needs, the money going out the door is going to cause resentment. It is only human.

 

This is not a good situation, without a good solution. I do think that supporting the 13yo financially is just as important as spending time with her. I knew I wouldn't be agreed with when I posted.

 

My bff moved from her ds for her new dh's job and it was murder on everyone, but like the OP, there was just no good opportunities in the small town. They were able to pay child support and allow the son to play sports and enjoy life, which he could not have done if they stayed in a place with no opportunity. He is grateful for the money and he did spend time with her when he could. Before she moved they could not afford $250 a season for the sports he loved, they could not afford decent clothes for him, and they were both working minimum wage jobs.