Why don't I like my MIL?

[Tohru]

I just don't understand it. She is a wonderful person, super sweet to the grandchildren, loves her own adult children, very nice, friendly, supportive...I try so hard to like her, but I just don't.

 

I feel awful and struggle with it. I can't figure out why I don't like her or want her around.

[Myeightkiddies]

I'm not sure. She sounds wonderful. I really hate to go there, but could you be jealous? Many mother-in-laws are jealous of their daughter-in-laws, so I figure that it could go both ways. Try making a list of what you specifically like and what you don't. Maybe putting it on paper will help you discover why you feel the way you do. :grouphug:

[RainbowSprinkles]

How do you feel about your own mother?

[5kidsforME]

I just don't understand it. She is a wonderful person, super sweet to the grandchildren, loves her own adult children, very nice, friendly, supportive...I try so hard to like her, but I just don't.

 

I feel awful and struggle with it. I can't figure out why I don't like her or want her around.

 

 

That doesn't even make sense. :confused: Either you're leaving a lot out here or you need to examine your own heart.

[sewingmama]

Jealousy. And I say this with understanding because my MIL is the same - and I don't like her either.

 

It has to do with my own issues of jealousy of my fear of my kids developing a better relationship with her then my own mother (who is just as nice but lives overseas and never sees my kids).

 

I'm also a shy person so I don't connect to other's easily.

 

I also feel disloyal to my own mother if I like my MIL.

 

Reading this I think I need a psyc consult :lol:

 

I'm never mean to my MIL but I don't go out of my way to engage with her IYKWIM.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

If she's that wonderful and the problem is you, what are willing to do about it? Counseling? Journaling your thoughts to understand yourself better? Formulating a specific plan to teach yourself to love her better?

 

For a fun beginning step, I suggest watching a thousand episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond. By the end of it you might be cured.

[melissel]

I just don't understand it. She is a wonderful person, super sweet to the grandchildren, loves her own adult children, very nice, friendly, supportive...I try so hard to like her, but I just don't.

 

I feel awful and struggle with it. I can't figure out why I don't like her or want her around.

 

Is she genuinely all those things, or are you getting a fake-ish vibe off her? Does she like you? Maybe you're getting some kind of subconscious read off her without realizing it?

[LauraGB]

What does she do that makes you think "Hmm, I don't like this woman"? Does she interfere? Does she still mother your dh? Does she mother your children? Do you not trust her surface "niceness"?

[melissel]

For a fun beginning step, I suggest watching a thousand episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond. By the end of it you might be cured.

 

:lol::lol::lol: Yes, or read through Impish's posts about her MIL. This one might help you too :lol:

[Bluegoat]

I think that sometimes when we have an unexplained aversion like this to a person, it is because something about him or her reminds him of something we don't like/value about ourselves.

[foxbridgeacademy]

Just because she's wonderful doesn't mean you have to like her. I assume you don't dislike her? That you do care about her? She's just not "your" kind of person. No shame in that. As long as you treat her well and don't let on about your feelings I don't see the problem.

[Barb_]

Maybe she intimidates you?

[OLG]

Perhaps you consider all of these lovely traits to not be sincere?

[Danestress]

If she's making the effort to TRY to be positive, kind and loving, then I think you have to appreciate that in a person.

 

What does your husband say? Does he like her? Does he realize you don't? Do you tend to like women generally, or are you more of a loner just by nature?

 

I think some women are threatened by their MILs. Let's face it, they know our husbands much longer than we have, and have a longer shared history, and it takes a while, sometimes, to feel reassured of where their primary loyalty lies.

 

Is he overly attached to her?

[NicAnn]

I sort of understand the feeling. I do love my MIL and I like having her around. But a part of me feels a bit of jealousy or intimidation. She's very self sufficient, raised a whole mess of children, and has more faith and trust in God than I do. As bad as it sounds, I envy her faith a bit.

 

I hope you can work out your feelings. Hugs!

[kalanamak]

I just don't understand it. She is a wonderful person, super sweet to the grandchildren, loves her own adult children, very nice, friendly, supportive...I try so hard to like her, but I just don't.

 

I feel awful and struggle with it. I can't figure out why I don't like her or want her around.

 

Does her goodness make you feel inferior? Do you feel she doesn't appreciate you? Does she take your husband from you? Does your heart go pang when your kids scream that Grammy is coming over?

 

Some advice I heard a long time ago has helped me in life: if you don't feel something, act it. If I'm not feeling brave, I act brave. Eventually I become brave. If I'm tired (but can't rest) I act energetic. I get energy. If you aren't a noble and generous person ACT noble and generous.

Personally, I'd start with a *short* letter for Christmas telling her a few things nice and sweet she did for you, your family, or anyone else.

HTH

 

:grouphug:

[Impish]

:lol::lol::lol: Yes, or read through Impish's posts about her MIL.

Funny, I was thinking, "I'll trade you!!"

 

Honestly, if she is as you describe her, be grateful. Very grateful.

 

Figure out what *your* problem is (b/c it doesn't appear that it's actually w/her) and fix it. In the meantime, fake it til you make it.

[Daisy]

Maybe she intimidates you?

 

This is my issue with my MIL. She is a sweet lady and very loving and kind. She is always on the go at 100mph. She is a loud take-charge extrovert AND yet she honors and respects boundaries.

 

Basically our personalities are just very different.

 

I feel somehow like she has sucked the life out of me whenever she is around. Probably because she just has such a strong personality. LOL.

 

I don't HATE her, but I sure do need a break from her after she's visited for 5 days.

[happypamama]

Is she very different from you, especially in her strengths and interests? You could unconsciously be comparing yourself to her and coming up short, not because you're inferior to her but because you and she are different. Or maybe it's that you and your DH feel strongly about establishing yourselves as a family and not just as "the kids," and she's still very involved in your lives -- maybe that feels like she's infringing upon your lives. Maybe you have a good relationship with your own mom and simply don't feel that you need your MIL as another mom.

 

Take a breath and remember that you don't necessarily have to be best friends with her, but she sounds like she really tries. And remember: she is the one person who feels the same overwhelmingly strong sense of love for your DH that you do. (The more children I have, especially boys, the more I realize that someday, I am going to both love and hate some nice sweet girl. I'm going to love her because she's going to love my baby boy and share my opinion that he is the Best Boy Ever, and I'm going to hate her because she's going to get to keep him. And then I realize that my MIL probably feels the same way about me. ;) )

[momtokea]

My mil has dementia now so things are different with her, but before dementia she was very much like your mil.

 

I couldn't figure out why I didn't like her. Looking back now I see that she was very passive aggressive toward me in a VERY subtle way. I thought I was going crazy, but some of her comments were so sharp and underhanded and mean, but in a way that made her seem innocent, and me crazy for noticing.

 

I can't even explain it, but maybe there is something like that going on with your mil?

[Catwoman]

Some advice I heard a long time ago has helped me in life: if you don't feel something, act it. If I'm not feeling brave, I act brave. Eventually I become brave. If I'm tired (but can't rest) I act energetic. I get energy. If you aren't a noble and generous person ACT noble and generous.

 

I'm going to try that.

 

I'm going to start by acting like I'm a billionaire. And then pretty soon, I'm going to be a billionaire.

 

I'm not planning on working hard or anything like that. I'm just going to act like a billionaire and wait for the cash to roll in.

 

I really hope this works because I think it's going to get pretty expensive. ;)

 

 

 

 

 

PS. You know I'm kidding, right? :D Because your advice really does work!!! :001_smile:

[Sharon H in IL]

I'm going to try that.

 

I'm going to start by acting like I'm a billionaire. And then pretty soon, I'm going to be a billionaire.

 

I'm not planning on working hard or anything like that. I'm just going to act like a billionaire and wait for the cash to roll in.

 

I really hope this works because I think it's going to get pretty expensive. ;)

:

 

:lol::lurk5:

[In2why]

What does she do that makes you think "Hmm, I don't like this woman"? Does she interfere? Does she still mother your dh? Does she mother your children? Do you not trust her surface "niceness"?

 

 

Serious questions here. I am possibly going to be a MIL soon and I see a lot of MIL angst on this board, and it shocks me because I have always had a great relationship with my MIL.

 

Is there anything wrong with still mothering the DH, her son? Of course I don't mean infantalizing him, but isn't she always going to mother him? If she does mother him, does that make the wife feel like it is an accusation that you aren't taking care of him so the MIL has to?

 

I am almost wondering if there isn't an evolutionary component to the relationships between MIL's and DIL's; do they just not get along because they are both important women in the son's life.

 

What I really don't understand is why there would be any competition, aren't the roles of mother and wife totally different?

 

If the MIL says anything about the children, is it seen as criticism when it wouldn't if it were from your own mother?

 

Other than fall off the face of the Earth, what could the MIL do to have a good relationship with you? (any you)

[beaners]

Serious questions here. I am possibly going to be a MIL soon and I see a lot of MIL angst on this board, and it shocks me because I have always had a great relationship with my MIL.

 

Is there anything wrong with still mothering the DH, her son? Of course I don't mean infantalizing him, but isn't she always going to mother him? If she does mother him, does that make the wife feel like it is an accusation that you aren't taking care of him so the MIL has to?

 

I am almost wondering if there isn't an evolutionary component to the relationships between MIL's and DIL's; do they just not get along because they are both important women in the son's life.

 

What I really don't understand is why there would be any competition, aren't the roles of mother and wife totally different?

 

If the MIL says anything about the children, is it seen as criticism when it wouldn't if it were from your own mother?

 

Other than fall off the face of the Earth, what could the MIL do to have a good relationship with you? (any you)

 

I love my MIL. I really do. She is nice and loving and everything. I know she means well, but her "little gestures" drive me up the wall sometimes.

 

She sent $10 and a Supercuts coupon with the congratulations card when my son was born. Apparently my husband was too busy to tame my daughters' hair while I was in the hospital.

 

She sent me a note with a list of recipes and a gentle admonition that it was my responsibility to make sure my husband was eating correctly since some new health problems came up. (Despite the fact that I cooked stuff he could eat and he said it was bland.) She wrote the actual phrase "It is your responsibility to make sure he is eating a healthy diet."

 

She included a reminder to make sure my daughter's eyes were alright because she had a stye in each eye that the pediatrician knew about. She knew that it had already been discussed with the doctor. It was also written in a note instead of casually asking my husband or myself how she was doing during a phone call. In fact, this is the only one I'd almost find acceptable if we hadn't specifically told her that the pediatrician was already involved.

 

She became upset during one visit because the trashcan lid hadn't been wiped spotless and a child might touch it. She actually emptied the sink of soaking pots and scrubbed the lid out in the middle of her visit. :001_huh:

 

Any of those things would bother me from my own mother too, so maybe they don't count? I didn't think I'd come up with so many so quickly. I really do appreciate how great my MIL is. She just can't let anything slide without saying something. And if my husband asks her to drop it, she insists on apologizing, which only prolongs the awkwardness. If it were a health issue we weren't addressing, I could understand needing to voice concern. Messy hair and dirty trashcans are not worth pointing out.

[Tohru]

Thanks so much for all the insight. Last night when I had posted, she had done something I asked her not to do with my kids. I was so annoyed.

 

After thinking about it, it happens all the time. She does not respect my parental authority. It's annoying. My own mother never interferes with my parental decisions.

 

When I say no, MIL tries to manipulate me to change my answer. Then she'll try to convince everyone else that she's right, but she does it so sweetly.

 

When I give instructions to my kids, MIL says something different and then they're confused as to who to listen to.

 

She's older, she probably thinks she knows better.

 

sigh.

 

She does have lots of positive traits. It's the lack of respect that bothers me.

[Unicorn.]

Yep, you just described my MIL. Total lack of respect, undermining my authority w/ my kids, and then doing the poor grandma routine if she's called on it.

[Bluegoat]

Serious questions here. I am possibly going to be a MIL soon and I see a lot of MIL angst on this board, and it shocks me because I have always had a great relationship with my MIL.

 

Is there anything wrong with still mothering the DH, her son? Of course I don't mean infantalizing him, but isn't she always going to mother him? If she does mother him, does that make the wife feel like it is an accusation that you aren't taking care of him so the MIL has to?

 

I am almost wondering if there isn't an evolutionary component to the relationships between MIL's and DIL's; do they just not get along because they are both important women in the son's life.

 

What I really don't understand is why there would be any competition, aren't the roles of mother and wife totally different?

 

If the MIL says anything about the children, is it seen as criticism when it wouldn't if it were from your own mother?

 

Other than fall off the face of the Earth, what could the MIL do to have a good relationship with you? (any you)

 

I have to say, the last few years my dh has been away for Christmas, and my MIL decided to put together a Christmas box for him, with a little tree, presents, a pudding, and so on.

 

It kind of annoyed me, although I realize it's dumb. I'd maybe liked to have sent him something.

 

She's such a nice lady, so there is really no reason to be annoyed. I've had to put away my family stockings I had for my kids because she made some for them herself, which is a nice grandmother thing to do. And of course they are a bit cartoonish and I don't really like them. And one year she made up Easter baskets for them.

 

Since there is no good explanation for my annoyance, biology seems a plausible answer.

[5kidsforME]

Thanks so much for all the insight. Last night when I had posted, she had done something I asked her not to do with my kids. I was so annoyed.

 

After thinking about it, it happens all the time. She does not respect my parental authority. It's annoying. My own mother never interferes with my parental decisions.

 

When I say no, MIL tries to manipulate me to change my answer. Then she'll try to convince everyone else that she's right, but she does it so sweetly.

 

When I give instructions to my kids, MIL says something different and then they're confused as to who to listen to.

 

She's older, she probably thinks she knows better.

 

sigh.

 

She does have lots of positive traits. It's the lack of respect that bothers me.

 

 

Ok, you DO have a reason you don't like her. A legitimate reason at that. Your OP gave no indication that there were any problems. Very confusing.

[Garga]

Ok, you DO have a reason you don't like her. A legitimate reason at that. Your OP gave no indication that there were any problems. Very confusing.

 

I don't think the OP realized what the issue really was until she posted however. I don't think she meant to be confusing or was withholding information on purpose.

[In2why]

I have to say, the last few years my dh has been away for Christmas, and my MIL decided to put together a Christmas box for him, with a little tree, presents, a pudding, and so on.

 

It kind of annoyed me, although I realize it's dumb. I'd maybe liked to have sent him something.

 

She's such a nice lady, so there is really no reason to be annoyed. I've had to put away my family stockings I had for my kids because she made some for them herself, which is a nice grandmother thing to do. And of course they are a bit cartoonish and I don't really like them. And one year she made up Easter baskets for them.

 

Since there is no good explanation for my annoyance, biology seems a plausible answer.

 

 

I can't help but ask why you both couldn't send him a Christmas box? See this is something I would do, and one of my son's is in the military and I wouldn't think twice about it being annoying. Same thing with the Easter Baskets, as long as she didn't think you guys were going to present them as from the Easter Bunny? Wouldn't you just say, here guys Grandma made you guys an Easter Basket, or would that be too much?

I also wonder about gifts for the house, if I give them something and they don't like it, I wouldn't care that they didn't keep it? Maybe I should make that clear that she wouldn't ever hurt my feelings if something wasn't her style.

 

As for the trashcan thing, that is nuts and I would have freaked a bit and told my MIL *we don't wash our garbage can in the kitchen sink but if she wants to get a bucket and go out in the backyard, have at it. :confused: That was really rude.

 

Do you guys think some of these things don't become bigger deals because we are all so afraid of one another that we don't just say how what's on our minds until the little resentments build up? I would think that the potential DIL's begin a habit of being defferential to the guys mother since she doesn't know if they are going to wind up together and is possibly swallowing down stuff and then when they get married it all comes out as resentment and anger?

[kalanamak]

 

When I say no, MIL tries to manipulate me to change my answer. Then she'll try to convince everyone else that she's right, but she does it so sweetly.

 

 

 

I would prepare myself to address this as politely and calmly as possible. If you sense a move on her part likely to happen, pull her aside and mention that you are going to say no to X Y and Z and to avoid confusion or pot stirring with the kids, you were giving her a heads up. I'd try to privately make it seem it was "for the kids". If that didn't work, I'd pick a offensive example and tell her privately and respectfully that this wears on you. That you expect your no to be no.

 

Can your hubby back you up? A quiet word in her shell-like ear?

 

If she digs in and gets worse, in defensiveness borne of what you said to her, I *might* be so bold as to say, politely, something like: "no is no, and this sweet talk confuses the situation" in front of whomever is about.

 

I do much better in these situations if I prepare ahead, and steel myself.

:grouphug: and HTH

[Bluegoat]

I can't help but ask why you both couldn't send him a Christmas box? See this is something I would do, and one of my son's is in the military and I wouldn't think twice about it being annoying. Same thing with the Easter Baskets, as long as she didn't think you guys were going to present them as from the Easter Bunny? Wouldn't you just say, here guys Grandma made you guys an Easter Basket, or would that be too much?

I also wonder about gifts for the house, if I give them something and they don't like it, I wouldn't care that they didn't keep it? Maybe I should make that clear that she wouldn't ever hurt my feelings if something wasn't her style.

 

As for the trashcan thing, that is nuts and I would have freaked a bit and told my MIL *we don't wash our garbage can in the kitchen sink but if she wants to get a bucket and go out in the backyard, have at it. :confused: That was really rude.

 

Do you guys think some of these things don't become bigger deals because we are all so afraid of one another that we don't just say how what's on our minds until the little resentments build up? I would think that the potential DIL's begin a habit of being defferential to the guys mother since she doesn't know if they are going to wind up together and is possibly swallowing down stuff and then when they get married it all comes out as resentment and anger?

 

Yes - I guess once she had sent her box, it didn't really seem like he needed one from me. We were going to do presents at home, and she sent out a tree, ornaments, food, and really anything else he could possibly have needed. Plus he was going to have to pack it all home again the next week and too much stuff is a pain to transport.

 

And I could have given the kids different baskets, though she gave them to me with the intent they would be for Easter. But that would have made for a ton of candy. The stockings - she would say she didn't mind if we didn't use them, but I think she would really be hurt, and she put a lot of time into them.

 

Which is probably the root of the issue - our family and MIL have really different ideas about gift giving. We try to keep it really within bounds because we don't like to encourage too much focus on gifts. I end up not getting things I'd like to for the kids because I know the they will get a ton of stuff from the ILs, and often stuff I would not think are great play value.

 

So most of the issues are just not that serious - there are more important things and it would be out of line I think to bring them up. But they are kind of a regular irritation - I'm always at war with being grateful and wanting to get rid of whatever it all is and get something less plastic and loud. And then of course I feel rather guilty.

 

I suppose this is to get me ready for MIL guilt when my kids are grown.

[PiCO]

I just don't understand it. She is a wonderful person, super sweet to the grandchildren, loves her own adult children, very nice, friendly, supportive...I try so hard to like her, but I just don't.

 

I feel awful and struggle with it. I can't figure out why I don't like her or want her around.

 

Maybe you just don't have anything in common with her, and you would rather not hang out. (I'm sure you're a wonderful person also, but maybe you have different interests.)

 

I think it's fortunate that you think she's a good person. That makes it easy to be nice to her and show her respect.

 

It's worth thinking about, to see if you are jealous or if there is more to your MIL than meets the eye. But if I couldn't figure it out, I would assume personality conflict and limit my time with her in a not too obvious kind of way.

[Catwoman]

When I give instructions to my kids, MIL says something different and then they're confused as to who to listen to.

 

 

You and your dh need to make it crystal clear to your kids that you are in charge, and MIL is not. They also need to know that if they are alone with your MIL and she says they can do something that they know you wouldn't allow, they need to go by your rules.

[justamouse]

You and your dh need to make it crystal clear to your kids that you are in charge, and MIL is not. They also need to know that if they are alone with your MIL and she says they can do something that they know you wouldn't allow, they need to go by your rules.

:iagree:

 

Tell the kids they are to listen to YOU.

[Denisemomof4]

My mil has dementia now so things are different with her, but before dementia she was very much like your mil.

 

I couldn't figure out why I didn't like her. Looking back now I see that she was very passive aggressive toward me in a VERY subtle way. I thought I was going crazy, but some of her comments were so sharp and underhanded and mean, but in a way that made her seem innocent, and me crazy for noticing.

 

I can't even explain it, but maybe there is something like that going on with your mil?

 

This was my mil. She said really mean things but buttered them up and said them with such a sweet tone. Oftentimes dh and I didn't even realize what she truly said until after the fact.:glare: She was very good at what she did, and she did fight with every single person in her life. I can't believe I didn't see it for so long.

[Catwoman]

And I could have given the kids different baskets, though she gave them to me with the intent they would be for Easter. But that would have made for a ton of candy. The stockings - she would say she didn't mind if we didn't use them, but I think she would really be hurt, and she put a lot of time into them.

 

Which is probably the root of the issue - our family and MIL have really different ideas about gift giving. We try to keep it really within bounds because we don't like to encourage too much focus on gifts. I end up not getting things I'd like to for the kids because I know the they will get a ton of stuff from the ILs, and often stuff I would not think are great play value.

 

 

You're letting your MIL control your decisions. When it comes to something like Christmas, buy your dc what you want them to have, and consider whatever MIL gives them to be a bonus (assuming you don't want to hurt her feelings and tell her to cut back on the presents.) So what if the kids end up with more gifts than you would like them to have? The important thing is that they get the things you want to give them, and that you have the happy memories of giving them great stuff that they'll love.

 

It seems like MIL does something, you tolerate it, you give up on doing what you really want to do, and you end up feeling resentful toward her. I think you need to focus on what you want, and do that. Forget about MIL. If you want to send a package to your dh, send it. If you want to do something different with Easter baskets or Christmas stockings and gifts, go for it.

 

She thinks she can bulldoze her way into doing whatever she wants, and you'll just roll over and accept it. If you and your dh don't want to ask her to change her ways, I think you need to ignore her actions as much as possible and do what you want to do, no matter what she does.

[Kirch]

Yes - I guess once she had sent her box, it didn't really seem like he needed one from me. We were going to do presents at home, and she sent out a tree, ornaments, food, and really anything else he could possibly have needed. Plus he was going to have to pack it all home again the next week and too much stuff is a pain to transport.

 

And I could have given the kids different baskets, though she gave them to me with the intent they would be for Easter. But that would have made for a ton of candy. The stockings - she would say she didn't mind if we didn't use them, but I think she would really be hurt, and she put a lot of time into them.

 

Which is probably the root of the issue - our family and MIL have really different ideas about gift giving. We try to keep it really within bounds because we don't like to encourage too much focus on gifts. I end up not getting things I'd like to for the kids because I know the they will get a ton of stuff from the ILs, and often stuff I would not think are great play value.

 

So most of the issues are just not that serious - there are more important things and it would be out of line I think to bring them up. But they are kind of a regular irritation - I'm always at war with being grateful and wanting to get rid of whatever it all is and get something less plastic and loud. And then of course I feel rather guilty.

 

I suppose this is to get me ready for MIL guilt when my kids are grown.

 

But you DO have reasons to feel annoyed. Legitimate ones, even if they're not that important in the grand scheme of things. She may be well-meaning (although some people are manipulative about it), but she is imposing her choices on you--things that you have considered and come to a decision about, whether you've told her those decisions or not. It's definitely a delicate balancing act sometimes, and yes, sometimes it is best to just let it go. But feeling frustrated or annoyed (especially if you're the one who has to deal with the fallout of whatever it is) is perfectly normal.

 

If something is really important to you and your dh, you need to do it anyway, regardless of what MIL has done/made/said. If I was looking forward to doing an Easter basket and she horned in with hers, I'd still do ours--don't let what she does rob you of the joy of doing special things for or with your kids. Too much candy--put a bunch in the freezer for later, take it to work/send it with your dh, etc.

 

You can accept her generosity without letting her choices/gifts dictate what you do with your family and how you do them. And honestly, I think of the things you mentioned (stockings, Easter baskets) as parent territory. I would be a bit put off if MIL (or my own mom) did those kinds of things for my kids without checking with me or collaborating with me first. I'd probably let it go, but it would bug me! It's perfectly normal and fine to want to be making those memories with your kids yourself.

[PiCO]

After thinking about it, it happens all the time. She does not respect my parental authority. It's annoying. My own mother never interferes with my parental decisions.

 

When I say no, MIL tries to manipulate me to change my answer. Then she'll try to convince everyone else that she's right, but she does it so sweetly.

 

Well, that's totally different. She's passive-aggressive. Yuck.

[scrapbookbuzz]

I think that sometimes when we have an unexplained aversion like this to a person, it is because something about him or her reminds him of something we don't like/value about ourselves.

 

Exactly. :iagree: As hard as it may be, take a very close and HONEST look at yourself first. What about you is reflected in her that you don't like?

 

I also like the advice of a pp who said to watch 1,000 episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond. :D