what would you do/say/think? re; woman in office & dh (not bashing)

[wagnfun]

what would you do/say/think? re; woman in office & dh (not bashing)

 

dh says I'm looking for things that aren't there but openly admits if shoe were on other foot he'd be pretty hot about it right now...

scenarios not in order #1) she, being in her 20s & a gamer, invited dh to come over her house alone during lunch hour to hang #2) she jokeingly told dh her birthday was "next week" then over the next few days would text him something like "X more days" with a smilie-- at 7:30 IN THE MORNING.. #3) she told him he makes the office days "not so boring" #4) she asked him "whatcha gonna get me for my birthday?" #4) they have a rivalness with football teams and she puts her teams logos all over his cubical/lunch sack/emails #5) she and another girl in the office were trying to figure out dh's new phone for him (MP3) and she changed his wallpaper picture from a picture of him and I to her football team #6) he moved his cubical next to hers, for a few different reasons & now they play tape ball back & forth when hes in the office.

 

could it be that I'm overly sensitive about his resent 45 lb weight loss? of anything he & I have ever had problems with cheating or another woman has NEVER been an issue.

 

 

am I wrong to see RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG? I know his level of joking is sarcasim and comes across flirty, I also know she is so not his type, and really think he is being a stupid boy (ment with love) when it comes to a girl coming on to him. But..

[Parabola]

I see red flags, hopefully not with your dh, but definitely with the girl who doesn't understand that you don't flirt with married guys.

[Jami]

My pastor has said on several occasions that in his experience (counseling and such) wives have amazingly perceptive radars for the women mostly likely to cause trouble, be stumbling blocks, for their husbands and that husbands should LISTEN to their wives when that radar goes off and RUN. I agree. This situation has red flags all over it to me and even IF you dh isn't at all interested, the fact that this girl's flirtation and pushing is making you uncomfortable, should be reason enough for him to put some boundaries in place.

[3lilreds in NC]

I would be pretty upset. He may not mean anything, but he's sending the wrong signals to her. I think she's pretty clear in the signals she's sending to him, and they are NOT appropriate. He needs to put a stop to this.

[beansprouts]

I don't like it.

[Aubrey]

My pastor has said on several occasions that in his experience (counseling and such) wives have amazingly perceptive radars for the women mostly likely to cause trouble, be stumbling blocks, for their husbands and that husbands should LISTEN to their wives when that radar goes off and RUN. I agree. This situation has red flags all over it to me and even IF you dh isn't at all interested, the fact that this girl's flirtation and pushing is making you uncomfortable, should be reason enough for him to put some boundaries in place.

 

:iagree: Dh & I have discussed what we would do in a situation like this. We've agreed to avoid these situations at all costs. Move desks, change hours, change positions. If nec, he (or I) would quit the job, erring on the side of quitting rather than risking our relationship.

 

Whatever's going on (or not), I think it's important for you to be on the same page w/ dh. If he recognizes how he'd feel if the situation were reversed, I think that's good grounds for a conversation starter, at least.

 

:grouphug: I hope this is something you guys can laugh about soon. In fact, I hope this lady just goes away... like this...:leaving:

[CLHCO]

Yep. I'm seeing red flags. She shouldn't be texting him anything that is not business related. He should never "hang" with her. Never. If he talks football with her, it better be stats and they defenstive line, like he would a guy. Ask him what he thinks is a good line to draw for any married couple, what he'd expect from you and why, then ask the same from him.

[Barb_]

Yep, she's hitting on him and he's egging her on. It doesn't sound like he's in danger of cheating, but it does sound like he enjoys the attention. My dh is a good looking guy and is great shape. We were separated for about 6 months when I stayed back in PA to get the house fixed up to sell. He'd get lonely and would go by the grill where my daughter works for dinner a few nights a week. There was a girl who also worked there about 17-18 years old who would tease him and flirt...he didn't cross the line but didn't discourage it either because he liked the attention. By the time I got here, I was hearing rumors that he was having an affair because, NEWS FLASH, she was spreading them around the grill. We were all pretty relieved when she was fired for unrelated reasons. He also learned a valuable lesson. It could have been so much worse.

 

While it's understandable that he enjoys his ego being stroked now that he looks so smokin' he should do what he can to discourage her behavior. Not only is it disrespectful of you, but she is probably reading the same things into his behavior. If their behavior is as obviously flirtatious as it sounds, rumors may begin to fly at the office and things could get ugly for him professionally.

 

Barb

[OnTheBrink]

My pastor has said on several occasions that in his experience (counseling and such) wives have amazingly perceptive radars for the women mostly likely to cause trouble, be stumbling blocks, for their husbands and that husbands should LISTEN to their wives when that radar goes off and RUN. I agree. This situation has red flags all over it to me and even IF you dh isn't at all interested, the fact that this girl's flirtation and pushing is making you uncomfortable, should be reason enough for him to put some boundaries in place.

 

:iagree:

[Elaine]

what would you do/say/think? re; woman in office & dh (not bashing)

 

dh says I'm looking for things that aren't there but openly admits if shoe were on other foot he'd be pretty hot about it right now...

scenarios not in order #1) she, being in her 20s & a gamer, invited dh to come over her house alone during lunch hour to hang #2) she jokeingly told dh her birthday was "next week" then over the next few days would text him something like "X more days" with a smilie-- at 7:30 IN THE MORNING.. #3) she told him he makes the office days "not so boring" #4) she asked him "whatcha gonna get me for my birthday?" #4) they have a rivalness with football teams and she puts her teams logos all over his cubical/lunch sack/emails #5) she and another girl in the office were trying to figure out dh's new phone for him (MP3) and she changed his wallpaper picture from a picture of him and I to her football team #6) he moved his cubical next to hers, for a few different reasons & now they play tape ball back & forth when hes in the office.

 

could it be that I'm overly sensitive about his resent 45 lb weight loss? of anything he & I have ever had problems with cheating or another woman has NEVER been an issue.

 

 

am I wrong to see RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG? I know his level of joking is sarcasim and comes across flirty, I also know she is so not his type, and really think he is being a stupid boy (ment with love) when it comes to a girl coming on to him. But..

 

Wow. That is one brazen little gal. I don't like it either, playing with fire and all that.

 

 

I would have a serious conversation with my husband and remind him of what a marriage committment means. Point out his children and his family and let him know that these are the things he could lose, should he choose to do something stupid.

 

You said she's not his type, but type doesn't matter. He is a man and she is making herself available.

 

:grouphug:

[Karenciavo]

How do you know all these things? I'm assuming your dh is telling you and I wonder why. Bottom line is what's going on is inappropriate in so many ways. Your dh needs end it.

[Jolash]

You are rightly seeing red flags, and not trying to be harsh, but if your hubby is saying you are looking for things that are not there, he's not being completely honest with you. That woman is dangerous.

[Barb_]

Wow. That is one brazen little gal. I don't like it either, playing with fire and all that.

 

 

I would have a serious conversation with my husband and remind him of what a marriage committment means. Point out his children and his family and let him know that these are the things he could lose, should he choose to do something stupid.

 

You said she's not his type, but type doesn't matter. He is a man and she is making herself available.

 

:grouphug:

 

You know, the problem approaching some guys this way, is that they really believe that nothing is going to happen. When this sort of thing was happening with my dh, he thought he was in complete control of the situation and as long as there was no physical contact, he was innocent. It wasn't until it was too late that he realized now badly just the appearance of impropriety could affect him and his family.

 

Barb

[Greta]

Yep, she's hitting on him and he's egging her on. It doesn't sound like he's in danger of cheating, but it does sound like he enjoys the attention.

 

:iagree: That was my gut reaction to the original post as well. She knows exactly what she's doing -- she's openly flirting with a married man. He is enjoying the attention because he's only human. But he needs to make it abundantly clear to her where he stands.

[Elaine]

You know, the problem approaching some guys this way, is that they really believe that nothing is going to happen. When this sort of thing was happening with my dh, he thought he was in complete control of the situation and as long as there was no physical contact, he was innocent. It wasn't until it was too late that he realized now badly just the appearance of impropriety could affect him and his family.

 

Barb

 

You're right. :001_smile: What I am hoping is that they don't have to find out the hard way.

[Barb_]

You're right. :001_smile: What I am hoping is that they don't have to find out the hard way.

 

I know. Me too. :o

[Jumping In Puddles]

Wow, this is completely unanimous. No one yet thinks this is ok and appropriate.

 

I hope your husband understands where you're coming from. :grouphug:

 

I hope he has no intention of getting her something for her birthday even if he thinks it is a joke gift - like a rival football pin/stick/mug or whatever.

[Brindee]

I hope he has no intention of getting her something for her birthday even if he thinks it is a joke gift - like a rival football pin/stick/mug or whatever.

I totally agree with the other posters! And what I quoted above is soooo true! She could take it as an "It's ok to proceed" sign if he DOES get her something for her birthday! He needs to hold up a STOP sign!

 

I think his desk needs to be moved back wherever it was before, or to some other department or floor!!! NOW!!!

 

Are you going to show him these posts? It might be good for him to see how others are seeing this!

 

:grouphug:

[lovemyboys]

wives have amazingly perceptive radars

 

This situation has red flags all over it to me and even IF you dh isn't at all interested, the fact that this girl's flirtation and pushing is making you uncomfortable, should be reason enough for him to put some boundaries in place.

 

This is so true. There aren't just 2 people here, there are three because it effects you.

 

:iagree: with Jami, even if dh is appreciating what he thinks is harmless flirting, alot of what's going on is sending red flags up for you. You are someone that cares for him, he should be listening to you and respecting your opinion. He's caught up in the moment, your judgment is more clear.

 

He should also be making fast tracks away from alot of this behavior, if for no other reasons than it's offensive to you, disrespectful of your marriage, and potentially "dangerous" for him! Dh of a dear friend got himself in a whole mess of trouble over a similar office situation which went a little further than yours, it threatened his job, family, home, when the girl didn't like being "dumped," as she saw it.

 

You asked what to say....I'd be sympathetic but firm here. If your dh is headed into his 40s and he's just lost this weight, he's probably pretty flattered to have all this attention from a 20-something. Try to help him see that it's dangerous territory and the boundaries for kids in their teens and 20s have really changed since the mid-90s -- hooking up, s*x and the city, the definition of what s*x and "is" is have really affected younger people. She may see nothing wrong with her behavior. She might like the challenge or not care about the consequences. She may have no intention other than harmless flirting (except for the hanging out at home stuff) and just like all the attention too. But...

 

You might also point out that it's not good to spend that much time or attention on any one person in an office environment. It just causes problems.

[Melinda]

I see red flags, hopefully not with your dh, but definitely with the girl who doesn't understand that you don't flirt with married guys.

:iagree:

[Unicorn.]

You are rightly seeing red flags, and not trying to be harsh, but if your hubby is saying you are looking for things that are not there, he's not being completely honest with you. That woman is dangerous.

 

:iagree: She knows what she is doing. Listen to those red flags!!

 

:

Whatever's going on (or not), I think it's important for you to be on the same page w/ dh. If he recognizes how he'd feel if the situation were reversed, I think that's good grounds for a conversation starter, at least. QUOTE]

 

Yep, and fwiw, if he says that if the situation were reversed, he would be hot about it, then he knows that you have some reason to be upset. And he also knows that his part in this "banter" is inappropriate as well. I'm not saying he would intentionally cheat, but he is flirting back w/ her, which is still wrong- imho. :grouphug:

[WTMindy]

dh says I'm looking for things that aren't there but openly admits if shoe were on other foot he'd be pretty hot about it right now...

 

 

This says a lot to me. This means he knows it is flirting and yet he lets it continue. I would approach this from two ways. The first would be to make sure my man was so happy with me that he wouldn't want to look elsewhere. The second is to let him know that you think her behavior is inappropriate and that he is flirting in return. I would ask him to let her know that he prefers not to receive any non-work related text messages from women other than his wife. A simple message like that will go a long way in getting his point across (and I'm assuming that he does want it to stop?)

[elbac]

I agree with everyone else. The behavior isn't appropriate, and dh needs to put a stop to it asap. If for no other reason than out of respect for you. If he won't or isn't willing, I'd be concerned that not only may there be problems that you may not be aware of, but also that dh isn't acknowledging.

[Rebecca in GA]

Um, I would not think it a) humorous or b) appropriate for her to change the wallpaper FROM a photo of his wife and him together TO anything.

 

I think that one action says a lot, and the others say more.

 

There can be no question about the co-worker's intentions. I hope your husband cares that he's hurting you and makes that his first priority. Hopefully, you can discuss it rationally and unemotionally and come to a plan of behavior that you can agree on.

 

(But I'd still want to scratch out the b****'s eyes.)

[lynn]

Not over reacting. She may not know what "crossing the line means" and thinks she and you dh are "friends". DH has had young secretaries say very inappropriate things to him like "want to see my new tatoo" to unloading their problems on him. I think some of this is maturing. Then I know there are "snakes in the grass" looking for a man and it doesn't matter if he's married.

[JWSJ]

they play tape ball back & forth when hes in the office.

 

What!? Your husband plays games at work and he told you!?

 

(I would never tell my wife that!)

[gardenschooler]

You've gotten a lot of good advice and reasonable answers. Now you can hear from an unreasonable, insanely jealous person. :D (dh gives me no reason to be jealous at all, I'm just crazy like that).

 

I'd be going to pick him up for lunch every day. Every day. I'd give that girl something to be nervous about. I'd take the fun out of it for her.

 

My approach with dh wouldn't be as reasonable. I'm sure however Barb handled it is best. I just can't even imagine how I'd react. No good would come of it.

 

When I first met dh, he talked about a woman he worked with named Marie all the time. Marie said this, Marie said that. I grew more and more jealous every day! Finally, he introduced me to Marie. I won't describe her physical presence, but let's just say, there's no way it could have been anything romantic. No way. :tongue_smilie:

 

I do think the other posters are right, except for one thing. In my mind, that line has already been crossed by the flirtation and overfamiliarity.

[Mrs Mungo]

Watch the movie Love Actually with him.

 

Guys can be very oblivious. Women are more perceptive of these things. She's flirting whether or not he's aware.

[74Heaven]

and you need to show up at that office and make yourself known. Your pic needs to be in his cubie, along with the kids, show up to go out to lunch with him, whatever, but this is your territory and she is crossing lines.

 

There def. are red flags. You are correct to be concerned and you'd be foolish to ignore them because they are so blatant.

 

I just wanted to add to the chorus and say to be sure to *protect* your marriage with everything you've got. Get to the office regularly, and looking your best and making sure to give dh plenty of attention of all kinds at home.

 

Our husbands need lots of support and affirmation and we wives need to be more diligent and aware of this need. I think in our busy households, lots of times both husbands and wives are going w/o affirmation because the kids and schooling and life in general is so demanding.

 

Protect what is rightfully yours. And really, I think it might be good to get dh in a meeting with yourself and your pastor asap to make sure dh is forewarned and *aware* of what can happen here - if dh is truly unaware and thinking everything is innocent. Any pastor who has counseled married couples for three months will see the danger in the situation. If a pastor pointed out the dangers and the duty dh has to *you*, dh might pay better attention.

 

Go on the offensive for your marriage continually. Even when everything looks peachy! It goes against my nature to put my dh first over the kids and schooling and my responsibilities but the dividends are worth it!

 

Lisaj, mom to 5

[Janet in Toronto]

How do you know all these things? I'm assuming your dh is telling you and I wonder why. Bottom line is what's going on is inappropriate in so many ways. Your dh needs end it.

 

This was my thought as well....why is your dh telling you this stuff???

[Trivium Academy]

Red Flags concerning her behavior but also that your dh doesn't see this as a problem. I'm not sure I would keep mentioning this with your dh since he doesn't think it's a problem. I would just up your ante, like others said- go to the office looking your best, call him in the middle of the day just to say something naughty.

 

Changing his phone, inviting him over to her house for lunch...those are WAY over the boundary line. It's really dependent on your relationship with your dh how to proceed. You can't control him. If he refuses to acknowledge that this behavior is unhealthy, I suggest counseling with either your pastor or another professional. The worse case situation is that he doesn't want to acknowledge it b/c he's interested in her and doesn't want to admit his own part in the situation. Don't jump to conclusions though, he is being open with you and sharing about this, so that's a good sign.

 

((((wagnfun)))

Praying for you and yours

[Plaid Dad]

What you described crosses professional boundaries on any number of counts; if this were happening to a woman, it might well be considered harassment (especially the invitations to visit her at home).

 

If a female co-worker were behaving that way toward me, I would be very uncomfortable and make it very clear that such behavior was entirely unwelcome. No playing along. If that didn't work, I'd take it to my supervisor. Seriously.

[Kathy in MD]

Now I'll give you the perspective of someone who's only been jealous/worried about another woman once in my life. And it was soley based on the woman's actions. I don't think my dh noticed her other than another human being.

 

This situation would worry even me. And the red flags primarily are comments 1, 2 and 4. I've been the only woman (other than secretaries) in my classes and in the office for too long to allow the other things to bother me. I've also had several guys as best friends. And I've frequently been in situations that might upset some -- I've had to travel by car (30 min trip) to work sites or to lunch with only one male co-worker. And there was never any hint of impropriety.

 

I suggest that you get to know this other individual, just by meeting her at your dh's office. It may be that she is strictly joking and she doesn't realize that she's crossed the line. Or she could confirm your impressions. But by getting to know her, you may casually erect a "no tresspassing" sign.

 

But I'd also ask my dh **why** he would be upset if the position was reversed, but it's ok for him. Then ask him if he thinks it's fair for him to ask for more understanding from you.

[MomofSeven]

Go on the offensive for your marriage continually. Even when everything looks peachy! It goes against my nature to put my dh first over the kids and schooling and my responsibilities but the dividends are worth it!

Lisaj, mom to 5

 

I agree with everyone else...there's trouble brewing and he needs to stop it. But you must speak up and defend your position. Once you air your opinion, you need to make yourself irresistable to him so that this woman appears not so appealing. I know this sounds old-fashioned but I believe we stay at home moms need to work a little harder to compete with the well dressed well groomed women in the work place. I want my dh to be thinking of me throughout the day, not the woman in the cube next to him and he won't be doing that if I'm not showering him with attention and making myself atttrative to him - kwim? I'm sure you do, afterall you've already won his heart. Good luck.

[Quiver0f10]

As someone who has BTDT I say HUGE red flags!!! She would even call our house.....:mad:

 

THis girl knows exactlly what she is doing and I don't believe for one second she is innocent . Your DH telling you these things tells me he knows it's wrong too. I would be having a long chat with Dh asap over this. I second going to the office and making yourself known, but honestly its up to your DH to end this NOW. I doubt she is going to stop just because you show up at the office. If he isn't willing to end things then you need to decide how far you are going to allow things to go.

 

Sorry you are going through this. :(

 

My Dh ended upleaving the job, there were other reasons too, but she played a big part in the descision.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

Now I'll give you the perspective of someone who's only been jealous/worried about another woman once in my life. And it was soley based on the woman's actions. I don't think my dh noticed her other than another human being.

 

This situation would worry even me. And the red flags primarily are comments 1, 2 and 4. I've been the only woman (other than secretaries) in my classes and in the office for too long to allow the other things to bother me. I've also had several guys as best friends. And I've frequently been in situations that might upset some -- I've had to travel by car (30 min trip) to work sites or to lunch with only one male co-worker. And there was never any hint of impropriety.

 

I suggest that you get to know this other individual, just by meeting her at your dh's office. It may be that she is strictly joking and she doesn't realize that she's crossed the line. Or she could confirm your impressions. But by getting to know her, you may casually erect a "no tresspassing" sign.

 

But I'd also ask my dh **why** he would be upset if the position was reversed, but it's ok for him. Then ask him if he thinks it's fair for him to ask for more understanding from you.

 

in the office (other than secretaries). I traveled, ate meals, and kept company with a group of men (ages 30+). They treated me as a little sister. During our travel, an older man in the group would always walk me to my hotel room or my car to ensure I wasn't mugged. (We were in downtown Detroit). I was never "hit on". These guys were truly gentlemen.

 

I was always open about my marriage. I mentioned my happiness in my marriage and homelife. I had pictures of my dh in my cubie and he'd call the front desk to talk to me. I think this helped keep the rumor mill in check.

 

Now, my dh works in a car dealership. Nice looking saleswomen are all over (boob jobs, well-manicured, designer clothes) the place. He is good looking and extroverted and I'm sure know there is flirting. I have made it a point to be a presence at his work. I've shown up for lunch looking put together. Called the main operator to ask for him. Befriended the sales women and his co-workers. Made goodies for him to share. In other words, I've kept a presence at his work. Keeps the rumor mill in check. Clearly, he's a guy who's not available.

 

I didn't always do this. I let my kids and their schooling take over my life. I put my dh second. My dh called me on it and after much soul searching, I decided to make our marriage a priority.

 

A friend of mine is married to an adulterer (has a child outside the marriage to prove it). Her husband has worked for the same airline for 18 years. She has never met his co-workers. She hasn't been to any company functions. She has met his "best friend" (another pilot) twice. He disappeared for two weeks and she had no one at his work to call and see if he even reported for duty. He keeps his home life and his work life separate.

 

The OP needs to interject herself in her dh's worklife and make sure his co-worker knows that he's happy at home. I'm glad the OPs dh mentions this stuff to her - she really needs to suit up and take action.

 

Just my .02

[lwilliams1922]

have you met her in person?

how did your DH respond to these situations?

 

Trust your gut

 

 

what would you do/say/think? re; woman in office & dh (not bashing)

 

dh says I'm looking for things that aren't there but openly admits if shoe were on other foot he'd be pretty hot about it right now...

scenarios not in order #1) she, being in her 20s & a gamer, invited dh to come over her house alone during lunch hour to hang #2) she jokeingly told dh her birthday was "next week" then over the next few days would text him something like "X more days" with a smilie-- at 7:30 IN THE MORNING.. #3) she told him he makes the office days "not so boring" #4) she asked him "whatcha gonna get me for my birthday?" #4) they have a rivalness with football teams and she puts her teams logos all over his cubical/lunch sack/emails #5) she and another girl in the office were trying to figure out dh's new phone for him (MP3) and she changed his wallpaper picture from a picture of him and I to her football team #6) he moved his cubical next to hers, for a few different reasons & now they play tape ball back & forth when hes in the office.

 

could it be that I'm overly sensitive about his resent 45 lb weight loss? of anything he & I have ever had problems with cheating or another woman has NEVER been an issue.

 

 

am I wrong to see RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG? I know his level of joking is sarcasim and comes across flirty, I also know she is so not his type, and really think he is being a stupid boy (ment with love) when it comes to a girl coming on to him. But..

[Scarlett]

My pastor has said on several occasions that in his experience (counseling and such) wives have amazingly perceptive radars for the women mostly likely to cause trouble, be stumbling blocks, for their husbands and that husbands should LISTEN to their wives when that radar goes off and RUN. I agree. This situation has red flags all over it to me and even IF you dh isn't at all interested, the fact that this girl's flirtation and pushing is making you uncomfortable, should be reason enough for him to put some boundaries in place.

 

THIS is very interesting. From personal experience, I will totally agree.

 

When our best friend's marriage broke up over multiple affairs, I remember my dh telling my friend (the betrayed wife), that whenever he felt tempted in some way he always comes home and tells me all the details. That telling me made it impossible for him to go on kidding himself that it was harmless flirting (on his part or another woman's part). It has been 15 years since that conversation and I've never forgotten it. I bet your dh is feeling something similiar, and that is why he is telling you. So be careful not to over-react in a way that makes him never tell you anything again....BUT do take this very very seriously and do not let him keep telling you it is nothing. Show him this thread, (although that would make my dh furious that I put this out on the net).

 

And yes, her behavior (and is allowing it) is totally way far over the line. I agree with Plaid Dad that such behavior from a male toward a female would likely be considered sexual harrasment.

[elegantlion]

Waving big red flags here as well. She has crossed several lines and needs to be made aware that her behavior is unprofessional.

[Jumping In Puddles]

<snip>

So be careful not to over-react in a way that makes him never tell you anything again....BUT do take this very very seriously and do not let him keep telling you it is nothing. Show him this thread, (although that would make my dh furious that I put this out on the net).

 

:iagree: I also agree that you should watch Love Actually together.

 

Just pointing out that the men and women who responded to this thread are still unanimous.

[Tammy]

it is easy to find someone else you are attracted to....very easy. However...the hard part comes in when you do not place yourself in a position for that to happen!

 

How did you find out about all that? Did he tell you? Also...since you said he just lost 45 pounds...maybe he 'enjoys' the attention he is getting now...It probably boosts his ego.

 

I see nothing but trouble in the situation....but HE needs to put a stop to it....

 

Tammy

[PariSarah]

Especially this part:

 

The OP needs to interject herself in her dh's worklife and make sure his co-worker knows that he's happy at home. I'm glad the OPs dh mentions this stuff to her - she really needs to suit up and take action.

 

Each of the individual things OP mentioned wouldn't necessarily bother me' date=' with the strong exception of the "Come back to my place for lunch" comment. I could easily attribute her behavior to a little too much TV watching and a little too little discretion--in other words, to general immaturity.

 

Verbal banter is the popular mode of interaction these days, and doesn't necessarily equate to flirting. Think "West Wing" instead of "Friends," KWIM? I have one male friend, and dh has one female friend, for whom our friendship consists entirely of trading insults. That's just how our friendships with these people go, and there's NO (really, NO POSSIBLE) suggestion of flirting going on. I really could see the sports thing as totally innocent.

 

And I don't really agree with the "work-related interactions only" advice, either. I form friendships with people I work with--real friendships, with the men and the women. And since I work in a male-dominated field, I just plain wouldn't have friends if I limited myself to women only. I have two male colleagues who read and comment on my personal blog, and I return the favor. I would go to lunch with a male colleague in a heartbeat--even a single male colleague.

 

The key is that it's all light and out in the open, and like N&Z'sMama said, dh is "there" even when he's not there. Everybody knows dh and knows what an inseparable unit we are. An interloper would have to be blatantly trying something (of the "Love, Actually" type) to get anywhere, and that's when these measures that other people are talking about would have to kick in--moving the cubie or refusing any non-work-related contact.

 

In OP's situation, the "let's go back to my place for lunch" really is the kicker. That's the only part of this that I would call truly inappropriate.

 

If it were me, I would probably have a serious, glass-of-wine-after-the-kids-are-in-bed talk with dh. I would probably admit to overreacting on all the other stuff, but I would highlight the "let's go back to my place" part as something that's over the line. "She probably [i']doesn't[/i] mean anything by it, and she probably just thinks she's being cute. But whether she knows it or not, she's over the line with that."

 

And then I would gently but firmly ask dh to make his unavailability clear in whatever way he feels is most appropriate. I would make it clear that I trust him and am not out to demonize her, but that the biggest favor he could do everybody in this situation is to figure out a way to steer his relationship with her onto safe ground.

 

I have not had anyone hit on me for a long time, more's the pity, but I remember being able to deflect that "testing the waters" type of conversation onto safe ground without being obvious or confrontational about it.

 

"Ooooo, Sarah, you're going to the conference ALONE, without Stephen? Ooo-hoo, time to partay!"

"I wish! I'm just a disaster when he's not around. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to get from the airport to the hotel by myself. Sally and Mary have promised to keep me from getting stranded."

 

That's usually the end of it. No confrontation or boundaries necessary--I'm just clearly too oblivious to be available.

 

The fact that OP's dh hasn't yet made his unavailability plain will make it harder, but I think it's entirely possible that he can still steer things onto safer ground tactfully.

[*anj*]

I haven't even read the entire first page of replies, but I do see red flags in your OP. Every scenario that you pointed out shows inappropriate behavior on this woman's part. I think that your dh told you all about it as a sort of cry for help, as it were.

 

I think that he needs to ignore her except for purely job-related things.

He may need to set his phone to not accept text messages, or just change his number.

[PineFarmMom]

This girl sounds like a piece of work. I see red flags, to be sure, in all of her actions!! I read #6, though, and don't think that that sounds too good on your husband's end to move his cubicle next to hers???, not that he's actually crossing the boundaryline completely, but it sounds like just the step toward her flirtations that she'd need to take more steps towards him. It is not the fleeing from temptation that is wise in this matter. It's going to be up to him to open his eyes and face that this is not an innocent thing on her part and that it is very dangerous for himself, you, your children. I don't agree either with the whole thing that he is just needing his ego stroked. I don't like it when that excuse is made for people's actions just because they've lost some weight. It's just not a valid excuse for anything. If it is necessary for me to have my ego stroked then I have insecurities that I need to take to the Lord. I'll pray that this situation ends quickly with her being completely removed from his line of influence, that she finds no other men to do this with, and that this is something that draws you closer!!

 

Teresa

[Tammyla]

:iagree:

My pastor has said on several occasions that in his experience (counseling and such) wives have amazingly perceptive radars for the women mostly likely to cause trouble, be stumbling blocks, for their husbands and that husbands should LISTEN to their wives when that radar goes off and RUN. I agree. This situation has red flags all over it to me and even IF you dh isn't at all interested, the fact that this girl's flirtation and pushing is making you uncomfortable, should be reason enough for him to put some boundaries in place.

[PariSarah]

. . . the fact that your dh admitted that he'd be upset if things were reversed is GOOD. It means you have somewhere to start. It means that he's probably open to a (non-nagging, non-threatening, non-accusatory) conversation about how he should behave. Men who are convinced they are doing nothing wrong wouldn't admit that they'd have a problem with someone else behaving like they did. They'd say, "No, I wouldn't have a problem, because THERE"S NOTHING WRONG with it."

 

I'd only start to get worried if that calm, non-nagging, glass-of-wine-together conversation didn't produce results.

[lovemyboys]

And I don't really agree with the "work-related interactions only" advice, either. I form friendships with people I work with--real friendships, with the men and the women. And since I work in a male-dominated field, I just plain wouldn't have friends if I limited myself to women only.

 

The key is that it's all light and out in the open, and like N&Z'sMama said, dh is "there" even when he's not there. Everybody knows dh and knows what an inseparable unit we are.

 

In OP's situation, the "let's go back to my place for lunch" really is the kicker. That's the only part of this that I would call truly inappropriate.

 

"She probably doesn't mean anything by it, and she probably just thinks she's being cute. But whether she knows it or not, she's over the line with that."

 

And then I would gently but firmly ask dh to make his unavailability clear in whatever way he feels is most appropriate. I would make it clear that I trust him and am not out to demonize her, but that the biggest favor he could do everybody in this situation is to figure out a way to steer his relationship with her onto safe ground.

 

but I remember being able to deflect that "testing the waters" type of conversation onto safe ground without being obvious or confrontational about it.

 

The fact that OP's dh hasn't yet made his unavailability plain will make it harder, but I think it's entirely possible that he can still steer things onto safer ground tactfully.

 

 

My italics -- I remember having to cut off an office friendship once, even after we'd had friend and his lovely wife to our house for dinner. I'd taken another job so we met for lunch to catch up with each other. I was really surprised that my nice friend was hinting very directly that we could get together and his wife wouldn't mind a bit. I just looked at him and shook my head, thinking how sad for his wife. I changed the subject then but I dropped all contact with him. He was an attractive, intelligent man but my dh was/is so much more.

 

Just the possibility of causing my dh hurt or concern was enough for me to stop even the potential of impropriety. I know dh would do the same for me -- his coworkers in various offices have said things over the years about how devoted he is to our family. And I still have a number of male friends from my working days, some that dh enjoys now as much as I do. They know who's #1 for me.

 

I don't mean for this to hurt OP at all, just mean to say that the vibes you give out are picked up by others in the office. As so many have said here, your dh needs to change his radar to send out much more clear signals of being unavailable. And you can help him with the whole transition by dropping by, doing lunch, and *surprising* him at home a bit.;)

 

The best thing is that he's concerned about the situation and sharing with you. He's probably "asking" for your help, even if he doesn't realize it.

 

Wishing you the best.

[Melissa in CA]

I have not read all the posts so forgive me if this has been said one time too many but.....red flags all over the place!!!! And, to be completely honest, your husband is part of the problem. He should NOT, I mean, NOT be encouraging this behavior and regardless of what he is telling you...he is loving every minute of it otherwise he would have put her in her place, and put a stop to it long ago.

 

You need to seriously put your foot down and demand that it stops. You cannot let him make you feel like you are stupid, or just being jealous, or over exaggerating the problem by seeing things that are not there. They ARE there and the fact that he is telling you they are not should be a huge red flag in regards to his future faithfulness to you and your marriage. I am sorry to be so blunt, but I have seen it happen one too many times. I am not saying he has physically cheated on you (though he may have in his heart), or that he for sure will, but the ingredients are there regardless of whether she is his 'type' or not. Is she a willing woman? Is she making your husband feel good about himself? Type really has nothing to do with it.

 

I am so sorry your having to deal with this. This has come up a few times in my marriage; a secretary becoming too chummy. Thankfully my husband puts a stop to it before it gets out of hand. His rule is to never ride alone with, eat alone with, or become too friendly with, a woman not related to him. Married or not married.

 

If a husband (or wife) can keep relationships at work purely work-related and not allow them to get too personal, then the chances are greater that they (the relationships) won't turn into something inappropriate. TOO many marriages are destroyed by work related relationships. Most working men and women spend the large majority of their day with these people, and a much smaller, tired-at-the-end-of-their-day portion at home with the spouse and kids. If their time with another person of the opposite sex is more fun, fulfilling and ego-rewarding than time with their spouse...disaster looms.

 

Just my 2 cents...

[cin]

He needs to set STRICT boundaries. And stand firm. DH's co-worker knew me, she was on my email list when we brought dd1 home. She knew all about our family. She was just determined. And married, herself, with a new baby. He told me stuff, and I told him, X has a crush on you. Oh puleez, we are just working together. And driving together. And going on a group ski trip together. And eating lunch together. And working in adjoining cubes. And so on....

 

I put my foot down and told him he was NOT to go on the ski trip if no-one else was going. I also told him he was NOT to stop and pick 'something' up from her house when she was not going into work. But, it was all to no avail. She made her move, and he responded. He was totally blind. They work their way in and the men are totally caught off guard. It's sort of like what child predators do with 'grooming'.

 

A new job would be optimal. A transfer, or a move to the other side of the office if nothing else. He needs to put some emotional AND physical distance between him and her, ASAP. And remove her from his IM list, and change all his passwords. AND CHANGE HIS BACKGROUND BACK TO YOU!

[Mekanamom]

Ugh. I think the bottom line is: It doesn't matter if she's just being immature and clueless, or if she's a manipulating hussy. Either way, the situation is not appropriate.

 

Work needs to stay professional.

 

My DH is one of those clueless guys, but he has learned to listen to me, lol. One time I went to his office and within 10 minutes, I knew who was having an affair with who. He totally didn't believe me until one of them got into trouble for it. Sigh. At least one of them was married.

 

And that brings up another issue. A coworker can make things very uncomfortable at work if they feel they've been "led on" and then don't get the relationship they were hoping for. KWIM? What may seem like harmless flirting can turn into a human resource nightmare with one person feeling rejected and the other feeling hoodwinked. It's just better to be very upfront about not being available if one is NOT available. I think flirting (to an extent) and office friendships help make the office environment bearable, BUT... it needs to stay professional, and people can never assume that the other person isn't taking their intentions the wrong way. Just gotta be extremely clear in these cases.