What is the thinking behind schools not handing out invitations to birthday parties

[lynn]

unless the entire class is invited? The teacher would not hand invitations out even to all the girls. My dd wants to have a Fashion Diva party at a party place in town. The invites they give you are not designed to be mailed so I had to purchase invitations and mail them out to the 10 girls in her class. Which adds another $10.

[kalanamak]

To avoid cliques, I assume. I never remember anyone having the teacher hand out invites. Why not have the child give them to his/her friends?

Edited September 12, 2011 by kalanamak
always spelling

[Parker Martin]

So that some children aren't left out.

[Heather in Neverland]

We do not allow this at my school either because every time it happens there are so many tears and hurt feelings. It is not worth it. Spend the extra $10 for postage and consider it the thoughtful thing to do.

[ChristusG]

So that some children aren't left out.

 

Yes, this. It would be terrible for one or two children to be left out while many others are invited. I can imagine there could be some very hurt feelings if they thought they were friends with the birthday child.

[lynn]

To avoid clicks, I assume. I never remember anyone having the teacher hand out invites. Why not have the child give them to his/her friends?

 

They are not allowed to hand them out unless the entire class is invited. The teacher gave me the class list and I got the invites mailed out. DD is so very shy but wanted to have a party with all the girls in her class. I hope they can all come to her party, she is so looking forward to it.

[lynn]

So that some children aren't left out.

 

We are inviting all the girls.

Edited September 12, 2011 by lynn

[Jean in Newcastle]

We are inviting all the girls.

 

But you left out all the boys. Granted, most boys wouldn't care but some might - even for a Fashion Diva party.

[UnsinkableKristen]

We are inviting all the girls.

 

 

Yes, YOU are, but not all families are so considerate. And when they bend the rules for one family, they must bend them for all. It's easier to make a blanket rule that is a little silly than to take each birthday case-by-case.

[Farrar]

Why couldn't your dd just give out the invites herself? Or are all invitations banned at school, not just ones the teachers give out?

[cin]

Yes, this. It would be terrible for one or two children to be left out while many others are invited. I can imagine there could be some very hurt feelings if they thought they were friends with the birthday child.

 

I was that child. It sucks. EVERYBODY in my 7th grade class was invited to a house for a end of school pool party. Except for me. :glare:

[Daisy]

My husband just tells the kids to pass out the invites after school. There are tears and upset kids at times, but he just explains it to them very matter-of-factually. Families can invite a limited number of children and I'm sure it was a difficult decision. There is no need to take it personally.

 

I imagine schools would make the policy to avoid the above scenario.

[lynn]

Why couldn't your dd just give out the invites herself? Or are all invitations banned at school, not just ones the teachers give out?

 

I did not push the issue with school having just started. Since the invite thing was specifically mentioned in orientation I just asked if she could send addresses so I could mail the invites.

[LeslieAnneLevine]

I did not push the issue with school having just started. Since the invite thing was specifically mentioned in orientation I just asked if she could send addresses so I could mail the invites.

 

That was good of you and I think it's nice you invited all the girls, too. :)

 

When I was a kid I had a good friend who was a boy and he was the only boy at my birthday parties and I was the only girl at his (though after one party of all boys, I declined after that!). Although unlikely, it is within the realm of possibility that a boy in her class could feel left out by not being invited.

[Harriet Vane]

I am a little puzzled as to why it's the teacher's job to hand out invitations to a private party? It's not a school event, so why would the teacher do it? :001_huh:

 

When I was a kid we handed out invitations after school. In this day and age, it seems we can send evites with less fuss and expense.

[Ellie]

I am a little puzzled as to why it's the teacher's job to hand out invitations to a private party? It's not a school event, so why would the teacher do it? :001_huh:

 

:iagree:

[HeidiKC]

2 reasons

 

1) it is very disruptive - even IF everyone is invited, for the next 30 minutes there is a bunch of hub-bub about the upcoming party

 

2) people being left out - even boys. There is a boy in my son's 2nd grade class who has been good friends with the girls since kindergarten. His mom told me that it is so sad that he doesn't get invited to the girls' parties (although she understands), because these are his main friends. The kids he plays with on the playground, has over for playdates, etc. I think it just doesn't occur to the girls' moms to invite him to a princess party, although I know he'd love to go! I think the girls are sticking a bit more to themselves these days, but especially in K and 1st, he was pretty tight with them. It would have broken his heart not to be invited. Even if it was a diva party.

 

It's just too hard to know who might or might not be left out. And even if most of the boys wouldn't want to go to a diva party hosted by a girl, I imagine there is still the feeling of, "I wish I had a party to go to".

[Julie in CA]

I cannot imagine why that would be a teacher's responsibility? :confused:

Honestly, I'm actually surprised that the addresses for other students are freely distributed. I don't think I'd be super-happy about that either. :001_huh:

[NavyWifeandMommy]

nm

[NanceXToo]

Hm, weird. When my daughter went to public school (K-3) she had a choice of giving out invitations to the whole class OR to all the girls only.

[unsinkable]

I was that child. It sucks. EVERYBODY in my 7th grade class was invited to a house for a end of school pool party. Except for me. :glare:

 

:grouphug:

 

That stinks!

 

In 6th grade I was invited ot a b-day party but that same day, I refused to participate in a chain letter. The b-day girl asked for the invitation back. When I gave it to her, she crossed off my name on the envelope, wrote another girl's name on it and gave it to that girl.

 

Some of the other invitees told me I "deserved" to be uninvited b/c I ruined the chain letter. I can :lol: now but then, I felt like a big loser.

[Dmmetler]

I mailed my DD's when she was in K, mostly because I know SHE likes getting mail and I figured the kids would enjoy it as well. It turned out that it was probably a good thing-she was inviting the girls to a princess dress-up party, and there was one poor kid on the class list who I assumed was a boy based on the name. Had I sent the invitations to school, I would have had DD handing them out to all the girls but one (as it stood, I caught my mistake after I heard the teacher call that name to a little pigtailed redheadand was able to mail one out a day later-so the child got hers at about the same time the rest of the girls did).

 

One thing I've noticed is that since we've started homeschooling, DD has about as many boy friends as girl friends, and that she's been picking parties that both can participate in, while when she was in preschool and K, she picked girl themes and girl parties, even when she herself was playing with dinosaurs and legos more than Barbies and My Little Pony at home. I don't know if that's simply getting older, or if it's attributable to HSing.

[Impish]

I don't know specifically about the OP's school, but there are some that will not allow invites to be given out on school property, no matter who is giving it out.

 

To me, its a bit of a false situation. I mean...does anyone really think that kids won't talk about the upcoming party, that those not invited won't hear about it before or after? The actual physical handing out of invites isn't (imo) going to change someone getting their feelings hurt.

 

The idea that the whole class needs to be invited is impossible for most families. Who can afford that, or has that kind of room? Not most of the families I know.

[UnsinkableKristen]

To me, its a bit of a false situation. I mean...does anyone really think that kids won't talk about the upcoming party, that those not invited won't hear about it before or after? The actual physical handing out of invites isn't (imo) going to change someone getting their feelings hurt.

 

 

 

 

Well, would you rather HEAR about a party you weren't invited to after it had already happened or WATCH yourself not be invited in real time?

 

Either way it's going to stink, but I would rather not have to watch it all play out in front of me.

[QueenCat]

I am a little puzzled as to why it's the teacher's job to hand out invitations to a private party? It's not a school event, so why would the teacher do it? :001_huh:

 

 

At my kids school, before we homeschooled, the teacher didn't necessarily hand them out for the child but they still had a policy on invites. You could bring the cards to hand out if you were inviting the whole class or all of the kids of your gender. If not, then no handing them out at school.

[Impish]

Well, would you rather HEAR about a party you weren't invited to after it had already happened or WATCH yourself not be invited in real time?

 

Either way it's going to stink, but I would rather not have to watch it all play out in front of me.

But, do you really think the kids won't be talking about being invited to Suzy's party before hand? I can't imagine kids *not* talking about it at school, kwim? Regardless of the actual physical invitation, kids are going to be excited and talk.

[RanchGirl]

Are you saying that the teacher gave you the home addresses for all the kids in the class? That sounds very inappropriate to me.

[WishboneDawn]

I don't know specifically about the OP's school, but there are some that will not allow invites to be given out on school property, no matter who is giving it out.

 

To me, its a bit of a false situation. I mean...does anyone really think that kids won't talk about the upcoming party, that those not invited won't hear about it before or after? The actual physical handing out of invites isn't (imo) going to change someone getting their feelings hurt.

 

The idea that the whole class needs to be invited is impossible for most families. Who can afford that, or has that kind of room? Not most of the families I know.

 

I agree with all that BUT I think the fact remains that it's not the teachers job to pass out invites or have to deal with the after math of kids who've just been snubbed.

 

The hurt feelings can happen at home where there are parents to help a kid through it.

[KarenNC]

I don't know specifically about the OP's school, but there are some that will not allow invites to be given out on school property, no matter who is giving it out.

 

To me, its a bit of a false situation. I mean...does anyone really think that kids won't talk about the upcoming party, that those not invited won't hear about it before or after? The actual physical handing out of invites isn't (imo) going to change someone getting their feelings hurt.

 

The idea that the whole class needs to be invited is impossible for most families. Who can afford that, or has that kind of room? Not most of the families I know.

 

They are all going to talk about all kinds of things. Who gets to be invited to one's birthday party is one of the prime areas I've seen kids in elementary school use to manipulate and even bully others ("if you don't do what I want, you can't come to my birthday party"). For my part, I feel birthday parties should be handled separately and privately by the family--you invite the kid's actual friends and do so personally. It appears to me that the school is trying to reinforce the idea that birthday parties aren't a school function. This isn't limited to school---I wouldn't consider asking the minister to hand out invitations at church during the sermon to my child's party, or the martial arts instructor to hand them out at the dojo during practice or the Girl Scout leader to hand them out at a Scout meeting, for instance. All in all, I think the whole birthday party issue has gotten out of control in our society.

 

By handing them out in class, you may also be putting kids of different faiths in a very awkward situation. I know Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate birthdays or holidays, and I recently discovered that our Muslim friend's kids don't do birthday parties either (I don't know if it's a family thing or a religious issue--it was to a mutual friend's child's party). So the first grader has to publicly refuse the invitation or feel guilty if she takes it and looks like she's going, just so she doesn't look "different," even if she's not a close friend of the birthday kid?

 

The idea that the whole class should be invited doesn't seem that different (or less foreign) to me than the homeschool families who insist that all their children have to be invited to a birthday party or other function or none of the children can go so that no one is left out (or "we only do things as an entire family"). We have families in our group with 4+ kids, and I know many families on here can have 8 or more. When you start looking at families that have several kids, that adds up quickly, plus you have the additional issues of making sure the party is not only appropriate for boys and girls, but for a very wide range of ages. That is also unrealistic for many families (including mine). What starts out as the princess party your 6 yo daughter (only child) wants for her 5 closest friends can suddenly turn into a totally different party with 20 or more kids from toddlers to preteens/teens plus their parents. Seeing this expectation posted on these boards almost kept me from having a party for my 5 yo when we started homeschooling. Luckily, I talked to the parents of her friends in our group and was assured they didn't expect that.

[Jennifer3141]

So that some children aren't left out.

 

This, I would imagine. And I would not allow my kids to hand out invitations to something without everyone getting one. I don't want my kids hurting other people's feelings.

 

You need to mail invitations if only certain people are getting them.

[Impish]

Are you saying that the teacher gave you the home addresses for all the kids in the class? That sounds very inappropriate to me.

I'd be very unhappy with that. My ph# is unlisted as well.

I agree with all that BUT I think the fact remains that it's not the teachers job to pass out invites or have to deal with the after math of kids who've just been snubbed.

 

The hurt feelings can happen at home where there are parents to help a kid through it.

I agree, its not the teacher's responsibility...but my point was, kids *will* talk at school, regardless of where the invite happens.

The idea that the whole class should be invited doesn't seem that different (or less foreign) to me than the homeschool families who insist that all their children have to be invited to a birthday party or other function or none of the children can go so that no one is left out (or "we only do things as an entire family"). We have families in our group with 4+ kids, and I know many families on here can have 8 or more. When you start looking at families that have several kids, that adds up quickly, plus you have the additional issues of making sure the party is not only appropriate for boys and girls, but for a very wide range of ages. That is also unrealistic for many families (including mine). What starts out as the princess party your 6 yo daughter (only child) wants for her 5 closest friends can suddenly turn into a totally different party with 20 or more kids from toddlers to preteens/teens plus their parents. Seeing this expectation posted on these boards almost kept me from having a party for my 5 yo when we started homeschooling. Luckily, I talked to the parents of her friends in our group and was assured they didn't expect that.

I don't agree with the idea of having to invite all the sibs, either.

[twoforjoy]

I don't know specifically about the OP's school, but there are some that will not allow invites to be given out on school property, no matter who is giving it out.

 

To me, its a bit of a false situation. I mean...does anyone really think that kids won't talk about the upcoming party, that those not invited won't hear about it before or after? The actual physical handing out of invites isn't (imo) going to change someone getting their feelings hurt.

 

The idea that the whole class needs to be invited is impossible for most families. Who can afford that, or has that kind of room? Not most of the families I know.

 

In this case, I think the OP is talking about her 4yo DD. Honestly, I'm not sure most 4yo will be talking about an upcoming party or a party they went to a day or two before. But, for 4yos, I can see how giving out anything to just some of the class could be potentially very disruptive and cause a lot of hurt feelings. Even if kids don't want to go to the party or care either way--and I'm guessing many 4yos don't--just having somebody else get the actual physical invitation could cause problems.

[angela in ohio]

Because so many people have made a fuss that the school had to institute a rule. They don't sit around thinking up new rules for fun, trust me (my dh is an administrator, after years of teaching.) They have to make them to stop current problems. There must have been a problem with either kiddos being rude about handing out invitations in front of other kiddos who weren't invited or teachers who didn't want their class disrupted by invitiations.

 

Ideally, everyone would teach their dc the tact to not discuss an event in front of others not invited, and the grace to not throw a fit if they weren't invited to something. That often doesn't happen anymore.

[Danestress]

I'd probably get in trouble for reminding parents that I am no their social secretary, that even if I had time to email address lists, I don't have time to deal with parents who want them, parents who resent being included, parents who are mad their ex-husband's address was used instead of their new address, etc.

 

I think parties are separate from school. If your daughter wants to hand out invitations privately, great. I am sure she can find a discreet way to do that. I think asking the teacher to do it is probably allowed in some places and maybe it's what people expect. To me, it seems like trying to slip little chores on to a teacher's plate when she's probably pretty busy.

[MBM]

I might have missed what the OP said about mailing addresses, but my kids' schools gave out booklets or listings of addresses, phone numbers, and e-mails of families who wanted to share that information. Those who preferred to opt out were left off the list.

 

ETA: Their schools also did not allow invitations to be handed out if all students were not invited in order to avoid hurt feelings. If all were invited, the teacher or student would usually distribute them at the end of the day.

Edited September 12, 2011 by MBM
more info

[Soror]

I don't see how it is the teacher's job either, besides the potential for hurt feelings, seems like a waste of class time.

[HeidiKC]

I don't know specifically about the OP's school, but there are some that will not allow invites to be given out on school property, no matter who is giving it out.

 

To me, its a bit of a false situation. I mean...does anyone really think that kids won't talk about the upcoming party, that those not invited won't hear about it before or after? The actual physical handing out of invites isn't (imo) going to change someone getting their feelings hurt.

 

The idea that the whole class needs to be invited is impossible for most families. Who can afford that, or has that kind of room? Not most of the families I know.

 

I don't think the idea is to invite the whole class. I just think they aren't going to allow invites to be handed out UNLESS the whole class is invited. The school isn't suggesting everyone be invited, but they aren't going to participate in people being excluded.

 

I think there is a big difference between seeing Susie (who you thought was your 3rd best friend) hand out invitations to Jessie (who you didn't think was great friends with Susie - RIGHT in front of you. And then 8 other girls get them as well. Maybe you and 2 other girls are left out. It is obvious and hurtful, and the whole class can see you weren't invited (or at least you think they notice). Most parents (not all, of course!) at my kids' school instruct the kids NOT to talk about birthday parties at all. Most kids aren't aware the parties are taking place until afterwards, and the the talk is not as hyped up. And in that case, you might not be exactly clear on who was invited or left out - and you don't have to deal with the class seeing you being excluded.

 

Also - I see people responding in a way that suggests kids need to toughen up, they'll live through it, we lived through it, etc. I don't even think that is the main issue. It is just plain BAD MANNERS to extend invitations to people in front of others. We as adults would never do that (I hope!) and we need to set good examples for the kids and teach them how important that is.

[QueenCat]

This thread is reminding me about younger ds's 5th birthday party. He was in two preschools -one special needs 3 mornings a week, and then 2 mornings at the church preschool. I thought I was smart, having the party during the day, during the week. I could invite both classes plus some neighbors and friends. Invited 30, thinking with the time/day, about 1/3rd would be able to come. 26, you read that right, 26 came!!! To Burger King. Thankfully, at the time, they only charged $3/kid, which included the cake. It was CRAZY chaotic, even though all the parents stayed. Ds got tired of opening gifts. One friend was kind enough to say "Don't you all think he should take the rest home to open later?", getting lots of nods "yes", which helped save the day.