MIL is gone and will not be returning.

[5LittleMonkeys]

Some of you will know the back story and some of you won't. To sum up...Dh has never had a great relationship with MIL; she is not someone I like but I try very hard to have compassion for her because of all she has gone through (stage 4 throat cancer and her husband getting brain cancer)and for my dh's sake; FIL died; MIL came to live with us because no one else would take her; MIL got diagnosed with very early stage of Alzhiemer's. So I just wanted to let you know...

 

Things were going fairly well with MIL for about the first month but she was slowly starting to resort to a lot of her manipulative, controlling behavior. We were having to constantly tell her we wouldn't take her to Walmart (she wanted to go daily) and she started to get belligerant about it. I actually caught her throwing things away so she could say she was out of it and HAD to go to the store to get more (mostly supplies for cleaning her trach). When I confronted her about it she blamed my kids for getting into her stuff and throwing it away.

 

She started telling dh that I was being mean to her during the day and that I wouldn't let her out of her room.:confused: She also started calling her two daughter's telling them that we would never let her go to the store to buy groceries and that she wasn't getting enough to eat. She continually would tell my dc that she would buy them this or that and then if they annoyed her in any way would then tell them she wasn't buying them anything. She also started telling the little ones that she wouldn't love them if they misbehaved.

She told us she was going to give us some money to do some things to the house since we weren't going to be able to move because of her living with us . (We told her we didn't want the money but she kept insisting.) If we didn't say anything about the money she would insist on giving it to us; if we starting talking about actually doing some repairs she would say that she changed her mind and was keeping the money. There were lots of other things...kind of like death from a thousand paper cuts.

 

The last couple of weeks she was getting really argumentative. Trying to pick fights and picking on my kids. Dh tried to talk to her about it but she would bristle up and start accusing him of trying to control her and treating her like a child. We asked the doctor if this could be the Alzhiemer's and she said that based on her CT scan she was in the very, very beginning stages and shouldn't be exhibiting this type of behavior because of it. She gave some suggestions for some other issues that might be into play and suggested that she seek some help and possibly get into therapy or on medication. MIL became extremely furious when we talked to her about it and told us we were the ones that had the problem.

 

Both SIL said they aren't surprised by the behavior but that it seems to be worse right now. (They've both been around her far more than we have...now I know why they wouldn't let her live with them.) They speculated that her husband usually bore the brunt of this behavior and helped control how much of her behavior spilled over to others. Since he is gone I guess whoever she is living with will become the new victim. They said they both tried to get her into therapy in the past and she would always accuse them of making things up and trying to control her.

 

It all came to a head yesterday. She brought up giving us the money again and dh told her he was tired of her using the money as a tool for manipulation. She told him that she never tried to manipulate us and he said she wasn't being truthful. That set her off and she started screaming at him telling him that we were the liars and that I was an 'f------ b---- and a liar' and that our dc were 'lying little f------s'. I walked up to her and told her to go up to her room and that I wasn't going to allow her to be downstairs if she was going to talk like that and she pushed me, balled up her fist and tried to take a swing at me. Dh got in front of her and told her that he was finished with trying to help her and that she was going to have to leave. She started screaming more and cussing and saying some pretty vile things. She said she was leaving and went upstairs. I told dh that I was packing clothes for the kids and we would be leaving and that we would come back once she was gone. (I had been asking him for the past several weeks if we could please look at making other arrangements for somewhere for her to live...he was resistant because no one will take her so he knew that meant a nursing home.)

 

Apparently after I left with the kids it got really heated and he said some things he now regrets saying. He said she just wouldn't let it be...kept coming back trying to stir the pot over and over. He called his oldest sister and told her to get on the next flight to come and get her (she doesn't have any dc at home, has lots of money and isn't working right now). He told her to make whatever arrangements needed to be made, whether it be trying to live with her or getting her into a nursing home, but that she had to leave asap because I wouldn't come back to the house with the kids until she was gone. Oldest sister got on the phone with the youngest sister and got her busy finding a nursing home that would take her near where she lives in FL. Oldest sister said she could stay with her until they can get her into a nursing home.

 

Oldest sister flew in this morning, packed as many clothes as she could into MIL's two suitcases and flew out with her this afternoon. MIL was furious at leaving all her stuff, which wasn't a lot anyway; some cheap knick knacks a bed and a nightstand, and kept saying she didn't want us to have any of her things and that she rather it all be burned than us have any of it. Dh said that MIL was telling his sister that she had better not try to control her or treat her badly and was already making demands about her taking her to Walmart whenever she wanted and that she was going to have to keep her dogs locked up because she doesn't like dogs. Sister said she was going to tell her that she was only staying with her until they got her into a nursing home once they got to her house. I don't imagine that that conversation will go well at all.

 

I'm just stunned and feel like all of this is so surreal. Dh and I live pretty mundane, boring lives. These last few months have been extremely emotionally draining and difficult. I feel really bad for MIL because I know she probably needs a lot of therapy and probably medication but her refusal to acknowledge that she even has a problem and her treatment of her family has put her into a situation where no one is willing to invest any more time in trying to help her. Dh and I feel bad but not bad enough that we're willing to put up with the type of abuse that she was wanting to hoist on our family. If we had no children we would have tried to keep her and try to convince her to get some help but I feel I would be remiss in my obligation to my dc to keep her here any longer under these conditions.

 

As I said, I wanted to let you all know since I know there were many that prayed and may still be praying for our situation. We are praying for MIL but we are good and feel a sense of relief, although there is also a feeling of guilt associated with that. We're looking forward to getting our lives back to the predictable, mundane normal that we are used to.

[LisaKinVA]

:grouphug: I'm sorry this has been such a difficult time for you. I pray your family will have peace about this matter now and in the future, as your MIL's disease continues to worsen.

[fhjmom]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Barb_]

I was the kid in a similar situation. I am forever grateful that my parents protected me in the way you are protecting your children. Do not feel guilty. She is the adult and has the responsibility to act like one. You are protecting the vulnerable. :grouphug:

[Mercy_Me]

I am so very sorry. :grouphug: Every single bit of what you described sounds VERY typical of Alzheimer's. I'm not sure why her Dr. would brush it off. There is a book titled Love Never Sleeps. It could be a tremendous help to family and caregivers. It's going to be a very, very long road. My advice is to find a loving, supportive network of people immediately. Your mother-in-law needs you guys now more than ever.

[1bassoon]

:grouphug:

 

I'm sure it doesn't help. . . .but I'm so, so sorry.

 

Be gentle to yourself for a while. For a long while

 

:grouphug:

[meggie]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry. I know that must have been an extremely painful night. But I think you did the right thing. There should not be any guilt for doing the right thing.

[Mercy_Me]

I was the kid in a similar situation. I am forever grateful that my parents protected me in the way you are protecting your children. Do not feel guilty. She is the adult and has the responsibility to act like one. You are protecting the vulnerable. :grouphug:

 

This disease has the potential to rip the ability to act in a grown-up manner away. It's progressive. It does not get better.

[Mercy_Me]

I did want to add, though...You did the right in protecting your children. It's just a horrible situation all the way around. :grouphug:

[AK_Mom4]

:grouphug::grouphug:

I am so sorry. I have been in your shoes and understand the range of emotions. Take care of yourself and your family.

[ma23peas]

Praying. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: (one for each child! Love on them, and let them see moms can be different!)

[Unicorn.]

I'm so sorry. You did what was best for all concerned.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[arghmatey]

OP, I am really sorry your family had this experience.

 

I think you handled it well.

 

Good luck moving forward.

[5LittleMonkeys]

Thanks all. Thank you for the prayers too...we have some healing to do in the house. The older dc know what's going on but the little ones don't understand and are confused. They're hurt that she didn't say goodbye. Dh asked her if she wanted to call my cell phone to tell them bye but she said she didn't consider them her grandkids anymore. Ugh...:confused:

 

I'm off to bed...I feel completely drained.

[Bang!Zoom!]

Sorry to hear of the troubles.

 

Sleep well.:grouphug:

[WiseOwlKnits]

I'm sorry for you guys. You did the right thing though.

 

Thanks for the update. I've been wondering how things were going and thinking of you guys.

[QueenCat]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:s to you and your family.

[kalanamak]

I hope she either finds a nursing home that will tolerate her, or she behaves in front of strangers. If not, she'll end up in geri-psych, which MAY be a dream come true. I've had more than one family practically in tears that their dysfunctional elderly parent smiles for the first time in years, after a little mood stabilizer is on board.

[kalanamak]

The older dc know what's going on but the little ones don't understand and are confused. They're hurt that she didn't say goodbye. Dh asked her if she wanted to call my cell phone to tell them bye but she said she didn't consider them her grandkids anymore. Ugh...:confused:

 

My son understood early on that just as people can be sick with wound or an infection, their brain can malfunction, too. I just stressed the brain is an organ like any other. This seemed to really help my son accept and tolerate the strangeness that happens when we inevitably bump into psych patients in public, including the low IQ child rapist we bumped into in the park and I flung him in the bushes and hissed at him to freeze like a fawn.

[Veritaserum]

:grouphug: I hope she gets the care she needs somewhere else.

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug: I'm glad for you that your sil's know their mother, and take everything she says with a grain of salt. (aka: consider the source.)

[gardenmom5]

Every single bit of what you described sounds VERY typical of Alzheimer's. I'm not sure why her Dr. would brush it off. .

 

because some people are like that without alzheimer's. The SIL's don't seem to think the behavior is that far outside the norm for her.

[ssexton]

Aime,

 

I'm so sorry! I'm glad that things can calm down now, and that your family can heal. I've been through some tough times with my dad, and I know that I went through an actual grieving process. :grouphug: Still praying here.

[A.J. at J.A.]

Thanks all. Thank you for the prayers too...we have some healing to do in the house. The older dc know what's going on but the little ones don't understand and are confused. They're hurt that she didn't say goodbye. Dh asked her if she wanted to call my cell phone to tell them bye but she said she didn't consider them her grandkids anymore. Ugh...:confused:

 

I'm off to bed...I feel completely drained.

 

I'm so sorry-I remember your first posts. So sorry it ended this way, but I am thankful that you and your DH were unified in how to handle it.

 

Blessings,

Angela

[Chris in VA]

I have a knot in my stomach after reading your post. I'm sorry it was so hard. Try to let go of the guilt. :grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

This disease has the potential to rip the ability to act in a grown-up manner away. It's progressive. It does not get better.

 

:iagree: Bad behaviors formed over the course of a lifetime will only get worse as the brain breaks down. :grouphug:

[praisefor3]

You did the right thing. Sadly, there was nothing you could do to "fix" the situation. Now tell yourself that she has a sickness beyond her control and try to release her of personal responsibility in this situation. It will give you freedom to love her (from a distance) without resentment and to not be so emotionally hurt by it. Tell your kids the same - that Grandma did not know what she was saying and would never have hurt them in her right mind. They don't need to think that they were personally to blame for anything she said.

 

My MIL came to live with us July 4th with dementia. Incredibly, after being a very strict, not loving mother she has become sweet, kind hearted and very easy to be around. We hope she can live with us for the rest of her days even though she could easily afford a facility. However, we are prepared to make a decision that would be best for our family if her behavior makes it harmful for our family. I will most certainly be praying for you as you resettle together as a family.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I did want to add, though...You did the right in protecting your children. It's just a horrible situation all the way around. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[In the Rain]

:grouphug: I'm sorry it all went so badly. It was very loving of you and your dh to try to make it work for so long.

[unsinkable]

I am so sorry, Aime. :grouphug:

[Scarlett]

Wow. :grouphug: to all of you....your poor dh! I just can't imagine my own mother putting my spouse and children through that.

 

You did the right thing....I am so sorry for you all though.

[Impish]

Bad behaviors formed over the course of a lifetime will only get worse as the brain breaks down. :grouphug:

Yup.

 

Its one of the tragic things about dementia. Ppl who would never, ever do a nasty thing to another person suddenly can become aggressive, violent, paranoid...and others that are already unpleasant become so much worse. And there's absolutely no predicting when or if it will occur.

 

I'm relieved that you guys were able to resolve the situation so quickly. Tough decision, no doubt, but the right one. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Slartibartfast]

:grouphug:

[UnsinkableKristen]

Holy Crow. :grouphug:

 

I, too, think you did the right thing. Your kids do NOT need to have that kind of person around - especially unmedicated.

[5knights3maidens]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[macpuffins]

Thanks all. Thank you for the prayers too...we have some healing to do in the house. The older dc know what's going on but the little ones don't understand and are confused. They're hurt that she didn't say goodbye. Dh asked her if she wanted to call my cell phone to tell them bye but she said she didn't consider them her grandkids anymore. Ugh...:confused:

 

I'm off to bed...I feel completely drained.

 

:grouphug:

I've worn similar shoes, and was fortunate that I had no children to be affected by my mother, but my siblings weren't so fortunate.

 

One thing we ALL learned though the process of dealing with my mother (not Alzeheimer's or dementia per se, but psychoses and other psychological/personality issues), was that prayer with each of the affected family members was a vital part of the healing. Each person needed to have their feelings validated and prayed through.

 

Also, my nephew, who was the one who was able to care for her the last few years (from when he was almost 20 till 24.5yrs), had to have someone go through the house with him, praying healing into the different rooms where verbal and psychological abuse toward him had taken place. Her actions in the house toward him had left such a profound affect upon him that he honestly thought he was losing his mind, instead of 'just' suffering aftereffects of the abuse. Nine-and-half years later, he is still dealing with the affects of her abuse toward him, when he was the only one who COULD handle her.

 

I am profoundly proud of you for your actions regarding you and your children's psychological/emotional/spiritual safety. I pray healing for your family unit, and for your DH, as there may be issues that arise from this :( I also pray for your SILs that they do not buy into her abuse and lies, and that it does NOT negatively affect your family's relationships w/ them.

 

Please be at peace with what you have done, and what you had to do. The same with your DH. Everyone's breaking point is different, and everyone copes differently. May peace and gentleness speed your transition through this tough time.

:grouphug:

[Sahamamama]

:grouphug: I have family members like that (my sister is one of them). It's tough. Here's another hug: :grouphug:

[ScoutTN]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Sorry it has been so hard! Praying for peace for your whole family.

[jenL]

I'm so sorry. You made the best decision possible for you and your children even though it was one of the hardest ones you could ever make. Allow yourself to feel grace now that you are on the other side of this situation. :grouphug:

[5LittleMonkeys]

Thank you again to all of you for your kind words and prayers. They all mean a great deal to me.

 

Dh had to leave work today because of chest pains. He went to the dispensary on the base and they hooked him up to the EKG. The doctor said his heart was fine and that it was anxiety. He gave him a prescription...now if I can only get him to take it. :glare: I did get him to take a nap this afternoon and kept the dc completely quite. He said he felt better afterwards and then we talked to the kids a lot and answered some questions they had. After we got them settled he and I went and poked around some antique stores and then picked up gyros for dinner (his favorite indulgence). He seems much calmer now and is actually poking around with a hobby he hasn't touched since his mother moved in back in May.

 

We are healing. We are praying for MIL too.

[zaichiki]

including the low IQ child rapist we bumped into in the park and I flung him in the bushes and hissed at him to freeze like a fawn.

:svengo:

[Miss Cornelia Snook]

:svengo:

Yeah, I'm really wondering about this story, too!

 

Good luck, OP! Hope your family can settle back to normal soon.

[kalanamak]

Yeah, I'm really wondering about this story, too!

 

It was a patient out in the park with staff during school time (they go when kids won't be around). I didn't want the patient to know I had a little boy, so kiddo got pitched into the Scotch broom and told to play the fawn. We have this code down because I don't want the mental patients to know I have a child. I also have a hand signal for hubby to grab kiddo and walk away from me.

I work with criminally insane. Not all of them are locked up for life.