Strangers commenting on child's size...

[learningmama]

Just a vent. Three times in the past month I have had strangers at Walmart, dentist, and doctor comment that dd is either "small for her age" or "wouldn't guess she was 7" because of how she was talking. It just bothers me because I've never gotten comments like this about my kids. DD is 7, just finished first grade. She's on the smaller size, but not too short or skinny. Wears size 6/7. Normal. She loves to talk to store clerks, etc. and actually has a large vocabulary and in the past has "wowed" strangers with what comes out of her mouth. That's why these comments lately have bothered me. How big does one expect a little kid to be? Growing up, all the kids in my elementary classes were usually skinny little things. I have noticed that kids do seem to be wider/taller these days, I imagine because a diet of fast food/junk food and perhaps inactivity have grown them larger at younger ages.

 

Anyway, I'm rambling. It could go any way. Your kid's too "fat, tall, small, immature, short, hyper".... I guess the worst thing is that these comments are all from strangers varied in age from 20-60 and female. I would almost never comment on a strange's child besides "your baby's so cute"! I did tell someone I had recently met that her 9-year-old son was so tall, now I feel bad for doing so! ;)

 

Just to clarify- it wasn't the dentist or doctor making the comments either. :)

Edited July 8, 2011 by learningmama
clarify

[abbeyej]

Well... Sigh... I get this a lot for my dd. I think you just have to shrug it off. In our case, I usually say, "Yep, she comes from a short family." Or, "Yep, she was a little slow to grow for a while." "Yep, but we like her anyway" as I sort of ruffle her hair. Just a shrug and a smile and a reaction that implies, "So what?"

 

But my dd really *is* small. She's 9 and still wearing a size 6. She's slim, but not skinny.

 

Since your dd sounds like she's within normal range, my response might be something more like, "Really? Huh."

 

Mostly people are just trying to make conversation. :) As you did, commenting on someone's son being tall!

[Renthead Mommy]

Well if she has a larger than average vocabulary for a 7yo, that right there might lead them to say something. The 'never would have guessed she was 7' with a vocab like that.

 

My son is taller, and often people have told me they don't realize he is his age because he a) is taller and b) has a, maybe not much larger, but different (due to the sources) vocab. So I think that makes people figure he's older and he's worked through more vocab programs than other 3rd graders they've known.

 

Now if by 'how she was talking' you meant they thought she sounded much younger, or more babish, does she have any sort of speech problems? That might be something you may need to step back and listen for. We get so used to the 'cute' way they say things, sometimes we are so close to it we don't see it as a problem.

[Mrs Mungo]

People always comment on how smart my ds is, how well he reads, etc. Yeah, that's because he's ten, he isn't four. :tongue_smilie:

[learningmama]

Now if by 'how she was talking' you meant they thought she sounded much younger, or more babish, does she have any sort of speech problems? That might be something you may need to step back and listen for. We get so used to the 'cute' way they say things, sometimes we are so close to it we don't see it as a problem.

 

It was more along these lines. I don't remember what she was talking about, but the way she was talking they thought she was much younger. No speech problems, she's always been our highly-versed social butterfly. If it was about ds, I'd understand. His way of talking is much different. Actually people have always said that I sound like a little girl on the phone, so who knows! :lol:

[WiseOwlKnits]

I get comments about DD all. the. time. She turned 7 this summer too. She's apparently very very tall for her age (51") and people are ALWAYS commenting on it. She's actually at the 50th percentile for weight (she weighs 50 lbs and wears a size 7 in the waist) and her pediatrician says she's perfect and healthy, but we always hear how thin she is...I'm thinking because obesity in children has become the "norm."

 

Hearing that she's really tall doesn't bother me. But the comments on how thin she is do bother me. First, because people say it right in front of DD and I don't want her internalizing negative thoughts about her body based on some stupid strangers. And second, because random strangers have no business criticizing our eating habits. Someone in a store asked me a few months ago, "Man, do you ever just let your DD have some ice cream?" We've been told that we should be giving DD Happy Meals...asked if we know that we can add oil to her food to fatten her up, etc. UGH.

[Paz]

When my ds was little my dh took him to the grocery store. A woman there told ds he was a "baby". I don't know why. She wasn't trying to insult him. I guess she thought it was a conversation starter? Well, ds began to argue with her, no I'm not, yes you are...Okay. If he's old enough to argue with you maybe we need to consider who the baby is. :confused:

 

I still am perplexed by strangers and their conversations when I'm out.

[Jen in PA]

My sister's kids both have a growth hormone deficiency, and comments like these really upset her (and my niece has been annoyed by stuff like this from a very young age). I have a friend whose kids are both tall for their ages (95th percentile or higher) and she drives me nuts when she talks about my kids being "tiny for their age" -- both of my kids are at the 45th percentile for height, so I would have to call that average! She would be so offended if I constantly made comments about her kids being tall, but she thinks nothing of commenting on my kids' heights. I don't know when it became acceptable to make unsolicited comments about anyone's height or weight, but I really wish people would think twice before opting to make these sorts of comments.

[Renthead Mommy]

Then it could be her voice. If you sound young on the phone, she may sound younger too. There is a difference in pitch/tone/volume control and all that between younger kids and early elementary kids.

 

And if they caught her refering to something in a younger way, which may be a family reference/inside joke type of thing, they may think it.

 

For instance, from the time my was very little we differenciated between Orange Juice and Cranberry Juice by Orange Juice and Daddy Juice (since Daddy was the only one that would drink it - :ack2:). Still to this day, at almost 9, if he's not really thinking, or still concentrating on the menu, he'll ask a waitress for Daddy Juice.

 

I hadn't really realized how much it was a part of our family language until we went on vacation with our old neighbors who we hadn't seen 1 1/2 years. Imagine my surprise when, at the hotel lobby breakfast area I went to get the kids drinks and when I asked what they wanted, 3 of the 4 neighbor kids replied "Daddy Juice"! LOL!

[Pamela H in Texas]

People are awfully forward. Where are their manners?

 

It started with my daughter. Many people would think the comments about her were positive; but can't we go to the grocery store without someone giving their opinion? Btw, if it was just "so cute," I would be fine though *I* prefer people just not talk to me as does my daughter. But how is it someone's business that my 3yr old is reading or doing math? Were we supposed to hide it?

 

Now people think they have the right to say things about the race of my children (out of the 7 foster kids we've had this time around, 3 are the same race as us), size (I have three small children, two of which were starved and are working hard to gain weight), behavior ("I know something that will cure him of that" talking about spanking him because he's frustrated at meal times), the one child's head shape, where they are developmentally, etc. People also try to guess some kids are my daughter's. She's a very baby-faced 18yr old.

 

It's it just maddening, honestly. I didn't appreciate it the first time around and I don't appreciate it this time. It just isn't any of their business to comment on, give suggestions, etc!

 

ETA: I try really hard not to say *anything* that could be nosy. It *can* be hard. For example, I recently got back in touch with an old friend. I was taken back by her children and she did share some information, but I tried not to pry. It really isn't my business. It's between her, her kid, and their specialist.

Edited July 8, 2011 by 2J5M9K

[Snickerdoodle]

People always comment on how smart my ds is, how well he reads, etc. Yeah, that's because he's ten, he isn't four. :tongue_smilie:

 

I can SO relate. :glare:

 

Me too.

[G5052]

Mine are "giants" -- always off-the-doctor-charts, so the comments are always about how big they are.

 

Then I have a friend from India whose son is off-the-doctor-charts the other way. His parents are small, and then he had a lot of health problems when he was younger. They've debated growth hormones for him. So he's 10 and wears a size 6.

[Carpe]

This happens to me too, except the other way. My kids are monsters.

 

This week I took my little guy grocery shopping and DH had the older boy and his DD. Someone came up to me and made a comment about how poorly my 3 year old talks, and for some reason I always feel the need to explain to people my sons speech issues (oral malformations, surgery etc.) and I was halfway into my spiel and I realized "What 3 year old?"

"Oh, isn't that your son over there?"

:confused: "THAT one? Yes he's mine. He's almost a year and a half. [Name] viens, dis bonjour ."

Then he complained that he didn't want to talk to her because she has "chaussures fâchées". Which translates essentially to angry shoes and I'm not entirely sure that's what he meant but I didn't particularly want to talk to her either.

[Sara in AZ]

Yes! I cannot count the number of conversations I've had to have with strangers about how tall my husband is (which is only 6 ft btw) because they can't understand why my son is so big and tall while I am so short (5'1''). It doesn't bother me all that much for my sake, but I don't like my son hearing people obsess about his size all the time. (For the record, strangers on the board who I don't officially know, :001_smile:, at 6 he is as tall as and 25 pounds heavier than his 8 year old sister, but who's business is it anyway? No, they are not twins! I've heard that, too.)

[Soror]

Mom of 3 small kids. I hear it all. the. time. as well. I am actually quite accustomed to it now. Ds thankfully doesn't know it is an insult, oh your son is so small mine has always been so much bigger than with the head shake and disapproving look. All my kids eat well, real food, good fat etc. I do point out to people though that genetically my kids don't have much of a chance, at 5-6 I weighed 30 lbs.

[kalanamak]

 

Since your dd sounds like she's within normal range, my response might be something more like, "Really? Huh."

 

 

I'd be likely to smile widely and say "Studies show that 50% of children at the 50%ile will grow up to be at the 50%ile 50% of the time." Bigger smile.

[leeannpal]

Well... Sigh... I get this a lot for my dd. I think you just have to shrug it off. In our case, I usually say, "Yep, she comes from a short family." Or, "Yep, she was a little slow to grow for a while." "Yep, but we like her anyway" as I sort of ruffle her hair. Just a shrug and a smile and a reaction that implies, "So what?"

 

But my dd really *is* small. She's 9 and still wearing a size 6. She's slim, but not skinny.

 

Since your dd sounds like she's within normal range, my response might be something more like, "Really? Huh."

 

Mostly people are just trying to make conversation. :) As you did, commenting on someone's son being tall!

 

:iagree: Same here. MY DD will be 9 next month and weighs about 43 pounds. She is also just under 4' tall. I am short too, so I'm not surprised that she is little. I agree that it is usually just part of small talk.

[texasmama]

My kids are very tall. We are a tall family. I just say, "Yes, we are all off the growth charts here" and smile. I always think it is a bit funny when people comment on my kids' height when dh or I are with them He is 6'6" and I am 5'10". We don't grow 'em small with those genes.

 

I typically think other people's kids are younger than they actually are because my perpsective is skewed by having giants for children. I do laugh at myself about this, though, and make sure that other people know that I do realize I haven't a clue.:tongue_smilie:

[Firestar Academy]

oh my! I get this a lot, too. My 11 year old was sick as an infant and one of the side affects is slow growth rate. But somehow i don't feel the need to explain that to.every.stranger.we.meet. Our close family/friends know.

 

she came out of the 5 point harness just after her 11 th birthday. She also wears a size 7 about the waist but usually they just don't fit right. She wears 8/10 dresses.

 

 

 

Robin

[NicAnn]

Oh goodness yes. I get comments all.the.time!! Dd is very very small...she's about the size of most 2 year olds (at almost 4). It's very frustrating because now she has started commenting on how "skinny and little" she is. Wonderful.

[RoundAbout]

I can relate from the other end. My son has always been extremely tall and thin (95th percentile for height but BMI of only 14ish). So he looks like a much older child. Twice in the last few months I've has people ask me if he's starting first grade. Geez we're not even doing Pre-K until fall! It's tough for him because people think he's being obnoxious when he does things that are totally age appropriate for a 4 year-old and would be cute or precocious in a smaller body. The basketball comments are definitely annoying too.

 

As a result I never assume a kids' age or comment on it.

[Margo out of lurking]

Comments about my dd's height when she was younger really bothered her. I stopped agreeing, or saying it ran in the family, and I began responding with, "Oh, do you think?" or, "Oh, no, not really."

 

:grouphug:

[JeneralMom]

My DD4 is petite, there is no way around that. We discovered her gluten intolerance (same time I discovered mine) in October, and since going GF she has started gaining height. People will make comments about how "cute" or "little" or "darling" she is and I just seethe inside because my mum is only 5feet tall (my Dad is 6'4") and she has spent her whole life being belittled, not taken seriously, etc because she is "cute", "little" etc. DD4 has started noticing the comments and she even cried a few times because kids on the playground wouldn't let her join a game because she was too "short" or when she was too "little" to do something her friends could. To make matters worse, my DD2 is pretty darn big (her 3T clothes are getting too small) so when they are together it is really obvious that DD4 is small. People also always assume DD2 is older and expect more from her, or are super-super shocked when she nurses in public :D

[FrogMom5]

I got these comments about my oldest. He's tall. Once he got to be about 8, people began asking him if he played basketball. By the time he was 12, he got visibly angry if someone asked that. He just got so sick of it. If people don't have a compliment to give, they should be quiet.

 

My sister and I were big, tall kids. We were not fat and we got zero junk food - my mom was a nutrition nut. We were just tall and more muscular than out peers. We ended up at 5'6" and 5'5" and normal weights. So no, I don't believe that kids are getting bigger due to junk food. Some kids are getting fat due to those reasons but many kids are bigger (not fat) due to better nutrition and just human development.

Just my 2 cents.

Denise

[m0mmaBuck]

My kids are tall and thin. People always assume they are older than they actually are given their sizes and vocabularies People are often caught off-guard when the kids act their age (playing, tantrums, DD falling asleep in my lap, etc).

[Nakia]

I'd be likely to smile widely and say "Studies show that 50% of children at the 50%ile will grow up to be at the 50%ile 50% of the time." Bigger smile.

 

*snort*

[bairnmama]

Oh goodness yes. I get comments all.the.time!! Dd is very very small...she's about the size of most 2 year olds (at almost 4). It's very frustrating because now she has started commenting on how "skinny and little" she is. Wonderful.

 

 

That's my dd... She was only 29 lbs when she started preschool at 4 yrs old, and is still under 60 lbs at 10 yrs old and 55" tall. She's always calling herself a skinny-minni or something similar. The WIC nutritionists were always wanting me to put mayo in her fruit, extra butter and full-fat milk, and oils in all her food because she was so small. What they didn't understand was that her daddy was 6'4" and only 175 lbs when I married him! Then he grew another 2" after we married. Ds takes after my side of the family, though. I'm barely 5'2".

 

I have a friend, though, whose 8 yr old dd is taller than her 12 yr old ds... and another friend whose dd is almost 13 and wears a children's size 8 or 9. She's a very proficient dancer and dances every night of the week, so she's very strong and athletic, just small.

[foxbridgeacademy]

DD, just turned 8 has always been tiny. She also has a bit of a lisp/baby voice. Everyone thinks its cute but her. She also has a very large vocabulary, is well spoken (lisp has faded a lot in the last year) and she is finally growing. Don't let it bother you to much. DD is proud of the fact that she is small, she can sit on the higher tree branches, hide in places you wouldn't even think of, and can do a great handstand. I also grew up small, I'm 5'1, my mom is 4'11. I haven't felt "small" since becoming an adult, so IMO the comments will pass.

[twoforjoy]

I got and still get a lot of comments on DD's size, although not as many now as when she was a baby. It didn't put me out, because she WAS a remarkably fat baby. She was 22 lbs. at 4 months (exclusively breastfeeding). She was HUGE. I've had--I'm not kidding--older women call their friends over in the grocery store or library on several occasions so they could all marvel at how fat her legs were. It really only bothered me if they were critical about it. She's a baby, for goodness sake. It's not like I was feeding her ice cream and Oreos. She was just a big, big girl. Now, at almost 16 months, she's still chubby but not as remarkably fat, but she's also REALLY tall. She's wearing 3T clothes. I have had people ask why she's not doing X or Y, and then when I say, "Because she's 15 months old!" they usually apologize.

 

However, I would not be so okay with people making comments about the size of an older child. For me, that would be unacceptable, and I'd say something, probably out of earshot of my child. And I'd probably sit my child down and talk to them about how people can be rude and obnoxious, and they're just the size they are supposed to be and so ignore those people.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

yeah can relate.I get alot of the "hyper" or "adhd" comments or whatever.....it is annoying sometimes you just want to smack 'em for saying stuff like that--I mean it's really noone's business........:glare:

[TheReader]

Yep, I've had both ends too.

 

My oldest, not so much. He's tall and thin, but not exceptionally tall or exceptionally thin.

 

My middle son is TALL for his age, always has been. At 4 months he had to go into a regular car seat instead of a baby seat (still rear facing!) because he was way too big. He's just always been big. The worst time with him was when he was about the size of a 4 yr old, at around 2 yrs, and not yet potty trained. Oh the glares I got bringing a "4 yr old" still in diapers to the women's restroom to change him! I wanted to slap a sticker on his forehead that said "I'm 2, not 4, that's why I'm not potty trained yet!!" Ugh.

 

Now my youngest is tiny. He was a micro preemie and not likely to hit catch up growth until puberty. At 6, his shirts are 3T and his pants are 5 slim, cuffed up a few times. Size 4 are a hair too short, depending on brand. He weighs around 35 or 37 pounds, and people always think he's younger than he is. I get glares now when he is on the playground following his older brothers around, climbing by himself, etc. because "surely!" he's not old enough to do all of that!! -gasp!-

 

The best line I ever heard though was from a friend who also had a short son; he would always respond, "Well, I'm tall enough to reach the ground!" (with a smile) Love that. I'll be borrowing it whenever it comes up with my youngest.

[zaichiki]

I don't think it's meant as an insult. And it goes the other way, too.

 

It's tough for him because people think he's being obnoxious when he does things that are totally age appropriate for a 4 year-old.

 

:iagree:

I have tall kids. Nowadays people just assume they're older than they really are, but when ds(12) was a baby, people were always making comments about his behavior b/c they thought he was a couple of years older than he was: "he's too shy" and why did he always stay right by me (he was 1!), "he doesn't speak very clearly have you thought about speech therapy?" (he was 1!), "he should play more with the other kids" (he was 1!).

 

I think, when it comes to girls, people think little and petite are actually compliments. It's considered more feminine. It just is. That's our culture. Sigh. (It is hard growing up taller than all the boys.) So I don't think people are aware that you are feeling insulted or offended.

[hmschooling]

I don't mind this sort of thing for the most part. My daughter has beautiful hair that is thick, reddish brown, and curly and she's used to getting comments about that. Old ladies always ask her where she got that pretty red hair to which she always replies, "God!" ;)

She's also always been below the 10th percentile, has a very young sounding voice (but a very advanced vocab), and is rather young acting. She's sprouted recently, and has her mama's hips and thighs at the ripe old age of 10. She's had to have gained nearly 20lbs in the last year and a half. Anyway, she also has a very mild case of brittle bone disease and until this growth spurt, looked so fragile, like her wrists would break if you shook her hand (nothing to do with the bone issue, just size). Now she's about 25th% but gets a complex when around other 10yo kids b/c they look huge up to her! She likes to run with the much older kids and adults or the young ones more her size or smaller. People often comment about her...usually not expecting her to speak such advanced vocab at what appears to them as such a young age, and those commenting "she's 10?!" b/c she doesn't look it. Who cares...I've always looked young and it bothered me as a kid, but now I'd love to hear, "I'd never guess you're 30!" I don't even get carded anymore! :001_huh:

 

Now, what DOES bother me, is when I have all the kids and strangers compliment the behavior, looks, etc. of ONE of them and ignore the fact that there are three more kids there. Or when someone points out how my oldest son looks NOTHING like the rest of us :glare: (he came to be in a unique situation which he knows nothing about, and I don't care for him to)...he's olive complected which brown hair and eyes...handsome little guy. The rest are blue eyed, pale skinned, and blonde/light brown and reddish brown. He's also quite small for his age and he does NOT like it to be commented on. AT ALL. Had it not been for strangers commenting on his speech, and a casual acquaintance asking jokingly if he was speaking spanish (and he looks spanish), he never would have landed in speech therapy b/c *we* could understand him and it didn't occur to us since his sister was nonverbal until well after the age of two-- he seemed on track to us, and he wasn't.

 

My third was a monster! Size and attitude! And I got lots of comments on that. I did. not. like. most of them, except it stoked daddy's ego about his haus of a boy. ;) I did like the complements I got from a few that said they appreciated seeing a young person actually discipline an unruly child (not insulting the unruly child) and encouraged me to keep at it, not letting the world keep me from raising him right, and don't be scared to do so in public. :)

 

In closing, (hehehehe...yeah, this got long!) I guess most people just wanna talk. Maybe use general comments as an ice breaker, not realizing that sometimes those general comments can be so frequently heard it makes us want to take off our shoes and throw them at their heads. Or go buy some duct tape and put it to good use.

 

Did I mention hubby is 6ft. and 275 and I'm all of 5'1 and 100lbs? We have a wide variety of child stature possibilities!

Edited July 10, 2011 by hmschooling

[Julie in CA]

Please don't slam me for this--if you disagree, I'm totally fine with it, I'm just tossing this out there...(enough disclaimers yet? :D)

 

One of my dd's went from *really tiny* to *really big* over the span of a year or two. We had comments when she was tiny, we've had some (a few) comments about being big.

 

People's comments haven't really bothered me. The health aspects of the rather extreme sizing did worry me a bit, but that's really a separate issue.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you cannot control other people's manners (or lack thereof ;) ). What you can control is emphasizing to your dc, with both your words and your actions, healthy habits, AND...you can control how you think about and react to people's comments. You can choose to take offense where none is intended, you can allow yourself to be bothered by unimportant details of conversation, or you can let the water roll off your back without much thought or emotional reaction. You can teach your kids to do the same. People say silly things all the time, and it seems like a benefit to the kids to help them recognize when what someone just said really doesn't matter.

 

Obviously, all of this is just my hare-brained idea of how to deal with the issue in what I hope will be a relatively healthy way for both me, and my dc. YMMV. :D

[YLVD]

Yeah, it's not appropriate to comment on that stuff.

 

On the flip side, I was a very tall child. I'm 5'11 now so, still tall!

 

People would actually ask my mom why I was so tall, and how. I mean, she's 5'9 and I have a tall family.

 

She always thought it was so weird that people asked that! She started telling them, with a straight face, that they stretched me on a rack daily, lol

[Splash]

My just turned 10 yr old dd is only 51 1/2 inches and 60lbs, so yes we get this a lot. Adults actually question me when she tells them her age and grade, like she is lying. It has offended her in the past but we're working on it and she is doing better about not being upset when people think she's 7. It has made it hard though in making friends because they assume she is so much younger than them. Even her sister was thinking other girls at church were closer in age to her than her sister because they were bigger.

 

Another issue is if teachers (like dance) don't know how old she is they don't expect as much, don't move her up (our studio has age divisions and I had to fight to get her into the 9-12 yr old classes last year) and treat her as younger. I know it can be just as hard to be really tall as expectations are off there as well.

[mommymilkies]

My 6 yo gets this a lot. But she does have profound hypothyroidism. In fact, people commenting is one of the reasons we got bloodwork done. Dh and I were both small as children, but we didn't seem to notice she was almost the same size as the 3 yo and that that was too terribly abnormal for awhile. My oldest two are very tall- 75th to 99th percentile through their lives, so they get comments about being so tall. I admit I make them to other parents of tall children, too, as a way of commiserating. Not that it's bad, but in a good way.