Poll - Need Hive Opinion on Niece's wedding and rudeness

[Wheres Toto]

The wedding party is made of persons 12 - 30. Many are family members. Most female family members have a role in the wedding.

 

Given this dynamic the manicure seen is not a young womens session. If a 40 year old would be a drag, so would a 12 year old. Because so many female family members are included in the bridal party and the larger assisting with the wedding, I believe this changes the definition what's expected. Additionally, when persons, especially family members are traveling a long distance, I believe there is an expectation to spend some time with them either the day before or after the wedding.

 

I think all female family members helping out should have been invited. Your niece is rude.

 

If your niece envisioned a certain type of manicure party with just a group of gals, she was never going to have that because your 12 yo was included (perhaps she didn't want the 12 yo either and you are helping her with that now).

 

You may have a good point there.

 

More background...

 

My niece is 25 years old and has been a grown up living on her own for quite some time. The bridesmaids range in age from 12-30.

 

The only way for my sister to see her is for me to drive her the 7.5 hours to there. She can only drive for short amounts of time in town.

 

All of our female family members are in the wedding except for me, my sister and my mom. In other words, all of the female family that is traveling from out of state will be at the manicure.

 

Okay, kind of random thoughts:

 

I definitely think it would have been more thoughtful to include all the female family members in the manicure since there are only 3 of you not included already. That means no problem with making "an exception" and others expecting the same.

 

Would they be okay including you? After all, I assume you are having to drive your daughter there. Or were arrangements made for one of them to bring your daughter so that it was less obvious you weren't included?

 

I agree that family members traveling a long way are often included in activities (like the rehearsal dinner) that takes place the day before.

 

I agree that with an age range of 12 - 30, this is not a bride getting together with her bestest friends for some bonding and girl talk before the wedding. Not unless they plan to push the 12 year old to the side and only included her because they felt they had to. (which would be rude, IMO).

 

If this was taking place at a really small salon that couldn't handle more than a couple people at a time, maybe I could understand. But, I would have expected that to be mentioned when the request was turned down.

 

IMO, if you are close enough family that they were comfortable asking for you to help out with preparing food for the reception, you are close enough to ask about including one more person in the manicure.

[Just Robyn]

nm

[Oak Knoll Mom]

We're always talking on this board about setting boundaries. It sounds like that is exactly what your niece did. I applaud her for not letting this snowball into an event that she and the bride never intended it to be.

[2cents]

:iagree: 100% The bride was probably envisioning a certain social dynamic that could very possibly be altered by a "third wheel grown-up" and mom should not have started asking for invitations to bridal events. You and Auntie go get your nails done. I remember being young like that. The conversation and the atmosphere are different with your girlfriends. They just are. It was nice Auntie offered to pay for manicures. But they said, "no thanks" correct? And it was nice of Auntie to gift the cake. But gifting the cake doesn't buy you a ticket to tag-along where no invitation was issued. It doesn't mean she doesn't love and respect and appreciate Auntie.

That's just my .02 :001_smile:

 

I have to agree with this. I'm one to break the rules too and honestly if I was the niece I would have wanted to include all the people who I cared about. But perhaps this manicure is going to get a little rowdy and she doesn't think auntie will appreciate that scene (that is very understandable).

 

I think you, your daughter, mom and auntie (and anyone else making fruit boats) should make those boats super quick and then go and have a nice lunch and manicures yourselves. Just tell the niece that you all needed some fun down time too and it is her choice, you either join in with the bridal party or do your own thing. I think the bride will see it your way. ;)

[Oak Knoll Mom]

I definitely think it would have been more thoughtful to include all the female family members in the manicure since there are only 3 of you not included already. That means no problem with making "an exception" and others expecting the same.

 

That's not necessarily true. What about the groom's female family members? Like I said above, I think the bride and her sister insisting this is a bridal party only event shows that they are setting healthy boundaries, NOT trying to be mean or unkind.

[SailorMom]

Why don't the rest of you go have a spa/girls day?

Your mom shouldn't have tried to invite her. It is the bride's day, and maybe she really wanted to spend special time with her bridesmaids.

Did it hurt your aunt to not be asked to be a bridesmaid? I don't know why this is any different.

Take her to a different salon and have a great time.

[SailorMom]

That's not necessarily true. What about the groom's female family members? Like I said above, I think the bride and her sister insisting this is a bridal party only event shows that they are setting healthy boundaries, NOT trying to be mean or unkind.

:iagree:

[Impish]

We're always talking on this board about setting boundaries. It sounds like that is exactly what your niece did. I applaud her for not letting this snowball into an event that she and the bride never intended it to be.

 

Your mom shouldn't have tried to invite her. It is the bride's day, and maybe she really wanted to spend special time with her bridesmaids.

Did it hurt your aunt to not be asked to be a bridesmaid? I don't know why this is any different.

Take her to a different salon and have a great time.

 

That's not necessarily true. What about the groom's female family members? Like I said above, I think the bride and her sister insisting this is a bridal party only event shows that they are setting healthy boundaries, NOT trying to be mean or unkind.

:iagree: with all of the above. I'd say your mom was the one being rude, not the bride.

[JFSinIL]

If she is not part of the bridal party, then it was rude for your mom to assume that she could get the aunt invited by saying that she'd love to go when told the manicure was for the BRIDAL party. PS - I have a disabled son on SSI and just because he is disabled doesn't mean everyone has to bend over backwards for him all the time. This manicure session is about the bride and for the bridal party. It is not about or for the aunt, .... or any other relative who might wish to go. Why not have a second manicure party for those non-bridal party ladies who so wish to partake???

Edited June 30, 2011 by JFSinIL

[SweetMissMagnolia]

if they had time to do the aunt too i'd let her come but let it be understood that she would have to pay her own way??? that's what i would try to do......

[AvasMom]

If you have a rule, and you don't invoke the rule, ESPECIALLY in a wedding, it will boomerang on you in ways you can't begin to imagine. It's for the wedding party, and no exceptions, or many many many exceptions. It's too bad, but that's just the way it is. Plus, it is rude to ever ask that someone else be invited. It puts the host/hostess in a terrible position. The best thing is to ask about inclusion in a roundabout way, so that no one has to have a confrontation.

 

I'm usually very direct (ask anyone!) but I've seen this go so sideways so often.

 

:iagree: If she says yes the aunt can come then she is stuck with allowing anyone else that invites themselves or someone else. She wanted a special time with her wedding party. Period. There's nothing wrong with that. I also would never make my dd boycott the manicure. Sorry and I don't mean to sound harsh but you're making this awkward for everyone. Maybe a better idea would be to plan something that you and your dd do with the aunt together to make her feel special since she's been through so much.

[Kari C in SC]

Wow! Woke up to lots of replies and questions.

 

Let me try to clear of Grandma asking about her going. My mom is 71 years old and she has had a very tough year with my son passing away. They shared a birthday and even though you shouldn't have a favorite - he was her favorite. She has been a bit more scattered since this has happened. As we have all been. So, when in conversation, my niece mentions nails, my mom - not really giving it much thought - says, "Oh Michelle will love that." My mom is in the camp that we are family. We are close family and a trip to get your nails done is not a closed group sort of thing. My mom pointed out that on her wedding day - which lasted from morning until night - that she even made a special trip to see her aunt that was homebound - wedding dress and all. So, my mom did not plan to be rude. She is probably the most kind and decent person I know. I only wish I could be as good as her.

 

The bride's mother is my other sister. There is a LONG story there and let's just say she is not that close kind of mom we all envision. In all honesty, all 3 of my nieces are much closer to my mom - their grandma. That is why Jo looked to her with help with the wedding. When you would ask any of the girls where their home was when they were away at college - they would say "Grandma's". So Jo's mom has nothing to do with any of it except she will be attending the wedding. She was upset by her daughter when she randomly changed the rehearsal dinner from Friday to Thursday and basically put a note on my FB wall saying - "Hey, it changed. I know you won't be here till Friday, but sorry that is just how it is." My sister - the bride's mother was infuriated at her rudeness on that. Originally, we could only get there on Friday because of my dh's work. Now he is not going, so we changed our plans to be there on Thursday for the rehearsal dinner.

 

The "strings attached" fruit bowl. There are no strings attached. I put that info in there because we are supposed to be at the church preparing food while this is going on. I guess it is a LONG story about us sending the $800 to help cover food. Then she calls (the only time she calls) to say - I need you to cover the fruit too. My mom agrees. Again, my mom lives on SS each month. She doesn't have the money for that, so I will take care of it for her. I don't think when you are a family member helping with a wedding that is not really your responsibility that is should be considered a traditional gift. I think it is family helping family, but as such I also firmly believe that the receiver of the gift should show a bit of tact and respect. To put this in perspective - she did not call, FB or even text that she had received any of the previous money. I find that to be extremely rude. In my last niece's wedding, I could not afford to help much with cost. Instead, I baked 300 wedding cookies and put them in little display holders. Again - one might consider this a wedding gift. It wasn't though it was about family helping family. Both my niece and her new husband went out of their way to thank me for the time and effort. Not asking for a parade, just a bit of good ole manners.

 

Somebody asked about my sister being upset about not being in the wedding - no, she never even considered that because that is a large part of the wedding. Enjoying a bit of girl time with her nieces is small in comparison.

 

My niece very much wants my daughter to go. So I am assuming this is a tame appointment. Plus they are all rather conservative Christians - so there would not be party or trash talk.

 

I guess to sum it all up is that IF it has just been the manicure appointment - I probably wouldn't be this upset. It has been at least 3 other rude things on top of that which finally made me just lose it. Yes, I already confronted my nieces. Not pretty, but I just don't seem to have a filter anymore. If I think you are being horrible to family - I pretty much say it.

 

I look at it like this - the last time we saw our son before he was killed in a car accident - he took us all to Disney World. It was me, my dh, our 2 other kids, Grandma, Auntie, and 3 of our son's friends. He rented us rooms at Shades of Green. I thought he would probably ditch us and go hang with his friends. After all he had been in Alaska and then Iraq for a year. Why would he want to hang with a mixed group of a 4 year old to a 69 year old? Well, for 6 days he and his friends walked around with us. Slowly, much more slowly than a bunch of 20 year olds could run around Disney. He did it because he loved his family and he knew that FAMILY is what it is all about. So, yes, I am emotional about it and probably a little crazy about it. But I just always ask myself - if today was MY last day - would i be proud of the way I treated my family? I know my son was.

Edited June 30, 2011 by Kari C in SC

[RanchGirl]

I think it was pretty selfish and rude of this young lady but it appears that is is typical dynamic in your relationship with her. If she can call you and tell you to not only provide free labor but also purchase some of the food, that says a lot. I could get behind the boundaries idea IF she was more independent in paying and planning for her own wedding, but clearly she has no boundaries when it comes to demanding your help and money!

 

However, as auntie I wouldn't want to go now. I would politely but firmly let her know that she can do the fruit boats herself because grandma and the aunties are going out for pedicures at a different spa. She can consider it the beginning of being treated like an adult.

[EKS]

I think it was rude of your mother to invite your sister along.

[BamaTanya]

 

I look at it like this - the last time we saw our son before he was killed in a car accident - he took us all to Disney World. It was me, my dh, our 2 other kids, Grandma, Auntie, and 3 of our son's friends. He rented us rooms at Shades of Green. I thought he would probably ditch us and go hang with his friends. After all he had been in Alaska and then Iraq for a year. Why would he want to hang with a mixed group of a 4 year old to a 69 year old? Well, for 6 days he and his friends walked around with us. Slowly, much more slowly than a bunch of 20 year olds could run around Disney. He did it because he loved his family and he knew that FAMILY is what it is all about. So, yes, I am emotional about it and probably a little crazy about it. But I just always ask myself - if today was MY last day - would i be proud of the way I treated my family? I know my son was.

 

Oh, Kari. What an amazing son. :crying:

 

I can so see your way of thinking about this. I do wish your niece had seen it this way. Feelings are so much more important than this. If I were you, however, I would try not to let this influence the plans. Some people just don't see things the way you or I or your sweet son would see them. Their makeup is different. Or they haven't been through the experiences that might teach them . . . yet.

 

I hope you'll be able to extend grace to her even though it does seem a little selfish. And since you recognize and value of the aunt's feelings, I hope you'll be able to do something special with her.

 

:grouphug:

[DarlaS]

Oh, Kari. What an amazing son. :crying:

 

I can so see your way of thinking about this. I do wish your niece had seen it this way. Feelings are so much more important than this. If I were you, however, I would try not to let this influence the plans. Some people just don't see things the way you or I or your sweet son would see them. Their makeup is different. Or they haven't been through the experiences that might teach them . . . yet.

 

I hope you'll be able to extend grace to her even though it does seem a little selfish. And since you recognize and value of the aunt's feelings, I hope you'll be able to do something special with her.

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

 

You really can't force others to learn the lessons you have learned.

 

And no one should have to go through what you've gone through. :grouphug:

[Impish]

I understand where you're coming from.

 

However, each of these incidents stand alone. Yes, she was rude about the dinner, and about the food.

 

But the manicure has nothing to do with either of those things. I get how things snowball, but they really are seperate.

 

Your son was an amazing young man. :grouphug:

[Carol in Cal.]

I understand where you're coming from.

 

However, each of these incidents stand alone. Yes, she was rude about the dinner, and about the food.

 

But the manicure has nothing to do with either of those things. I get how things snowball, but they really are seperate.

 

[/b]

 

I agree with this.

 

She's rude about the dinner and food, and she should be expressing gratitude. But the manicure is a separate issue, and she is not rude about that.

 

Also, God willing, this is the only wedding she will ever have. She's not being an over the top Bridezilla. I think it would be a gracious kindness to fall into her plans as much as possible and make this a nice day for her. It's horrible to give someone really bad memories on their wedding day. This is the day to rise above it all and make it special, not to teach life lessons or whatever, no matter how tempting.

[texasmama]

This is complex. I think that your mother crossed a line by inviting your sister to the bridal party event. That set this ball rolling. That said, I think it would have been gracious to allow your sister to attend for a myriad of reasons.

 

My feelings have been very hurt in the past by the actions of family members surrounding weddings. I am so over weddings.:tongue_smilie:

[justamouse]

I look at it like this - the last time we saw our son before he was killed in a car accident - he took us all to Disney World. It was me, my dh, our 2 other kids, Grandma, Auntie, and 3 of our son's friends. He rented us rooms at Shades of Green. I thought he would probably ditch us and go hang with his friends. After all he had been in Alaska and then Iraq for a year. Why would he want to hang with a mixed group of a 4 year old to a 69 year old? Well, for 6 days he and his friends walked around with us. Slowly, much more slowly than a bunch of 20 year olds could run around Disney. He did it because he loved his family and he knew that FAMILY is what it is all about. So, yes, I am emotional about it and probably a little crazy about it. But I just always ask myself - if today was MY last day - would i be proud of the way I treated my family? I know my son was.

 

Wow, he was amazing. :grouphug:

[twoforjoy]

I don't know, I think the problem began when your mother invited your sister along, and not when your niece said she couldn't go. I'm sure your mom didn't intend to be rude or to impose, but I'm guessing your niece didn't intend to be rude, either. I tend to think it's better not to assume malicious intentions on other people's part, especially during high-stress times like right before a wedding. I agree that this is not the time to be worrying about teaching your niece lessons; it's her wedding, weddings are very stressful for many people, and I'd extend grace to her. Yes, it would have been nice if she'd said your aunt could come along, but we don't know why she said no, and I'd go on the assumption that she wasn't trying to be cruel or rude. Maybe she just wants to have as relaxed a time as possible before the ceremony, and she'd feel pressured to entertain her aunt (especially if she lives 7.5 hours away and they probably don't see each other much at this point) if she'd come along.

 

It sounds to me like the best option for everybody is that you and your mom take your sister out for a manicure, and enjoy yourselves.

[DarlaS]

I agree with this.

 

She's rude about the dinner and food, and she should be expressing gratitude. But the manicure is a separate issue, and she is not rude about that.

 

Also, God willing, this is the only wedding she will ever have. She's not being an over the top Bridezilla. I think it would be a gracious kindness to fall into her plans as much as possible and make this a nice day for her. It's horrible to give someone really bad memories on their wedding day. This is the day to rise above it all and make it special, not to teach life lessons or whatever, no matter how tempting.

 

 

She's 25 right? Just show her what mature adults are supposed to act like. I remember myself at 25 (and sometimes... occasionally... since then :tongue_smilie:).

 

Life will take any rough edges off her soon enough.

 

As a 22 year old bride (just to show you a rather extreme example of an unselfish bride), I was so concerned with what others wanted, I basically let my mom plan my wedding. I even wore her dress. I regret some of those decisions later (I have no wedding dress to remake for my daughter's wedding or into christening gowns or even just to pull out and look at.). It was also decided not to hire a photographer. I have grainy candid snapshots of my wedding. That's it. I feel like my wedding day just sort of happened.

[lionfamily1999]

Bridal party stuff is for the bridal party. The problem here doesn't seem to be that they wouldn't invite their aunt, but that they wouldn't invite that particular lady. IOW, it seems like the question is, "Is it tacky to not make an exception for this particular person?" I'd still say no, but I'm mean like that :p

 

For some reason being forced to do something different or include someone who is not part of the group because they have so little to look forward to raises my ire. That is not Christian of me, don't I know it! But the very human part of me wants to yell that everyone has problems and it's a party for a particular group and she's not part of that group.

 

So, tacky? Nope.

 

Kind/Christian? No. As a Christian, I would suck it up, invite her and make for darn sure she enjoyed herself. :grouphug:

[kchara]

It sounds to me like your niece is being a Bridezilla. How over the top she's being would depend on your family dynamic, but asking (or assuming... sounds more like assuming...) that you pay for and create fruit boats while they all go have a manicure party what did me in. Plus, that the aunt and grandmother were traveling quite a distance to be there for her day, the whole thing is rude, mean, and cruel. Sounds like she needs a serious reality check.

[twoforjoy]

Bridal party stuff is for the bridal party. The problem here doesn't seem to be that they wouldn't invite their aunt, but that they wouldn't invite that particular lady. IOW, it seems like the question is, "Is it tacky to not make an exception for this particular person?" I'd still say no, but I'm mean like that :p

 

For some reason being forced to do something different or include someone who is not part of the group because they have so little to look forward to raises my ire. That is not Christian of me, don't I know it! But the very human part of me wants to yell that everyone has problems and it's a party for a particular group and she's not part of that group.

 

I'm not sure it's mean, given the context.

 

My extended family has had its fair share of wedding drama, some of it resulting in people not talking to one another for years. (Thankfully my immediate family has never been involved in it; we're not very dramatic people.) In every instance, the problem has been that an exception was made for one person, but not another person. Great-Aunt Ann was invited to the wedding, but not Great-Aunt Sue. Cousin Joan was allowed to go to the bachelorette party even though she wasn't in the wedding party, but Cousin Jen wasn't invited. Even though the invitation said adults-only, Aunt Sally was allowed to bring her kids to the reception and now Aunt Linda is mad because she had to struggle to find a sitter.

 

Making exceptions seems, in these situations, to sometimes snowball into bigger family conflicts than you would think possible. While on the one hand it would have been kind of your niece to make an exception for your aunt and have her along, on the other hand it could have resulted in a lot more hurt feelings from other family members.

[cin]

NM

Edited June 30, 2011 by cin

[spaceman]

It's a bridal party event, so, no it isn't tacky.

 

I'd personally do my best to keep drama to a minimum around a wedding and the bride.

 

If you want something special for your sister, there are lots of other ways to go about it. It's probably not the only nail salon in town.

[Spy Car]

What happened to basic human decency and kindness? This exclusivistic "wedding party only" mentality is hurtful and unkind towards loved ones.

 

What a shame.

 

Bill

[DianeW88]

I'm with Carol on this. If they make an exception, how many other exceptions will have to be made for other family members possibly on the grooms side that the OP has no clue about.

 

I think that it was slightly rude to ask, but terribly rude to get offended over it. We are talking about a adult woman getting her feelings hurt about not getting her nails done?! I think it is an overreaction.

 

You niece is following the rules and making no exceptions and that is fine.

 

:iagree:It's unfortunate that the bride didn't want to include your aunt, but really, your mom should not have asked in the first place. Getting offended over it will only make the entire situation 1,000 times worse. Let it go.

[Impish]

What happened to basic human decency and kindness? This exclusivistic "wedding party only" mentality is hurtful and unkind towards loved ones.

 

What a shame.

 

Bill

I just don't see it, sorry. There are many, many things in life that have limits, this is just one of them. I don't see how its hurtful or unkind to have it be wedding party only...its not hurtful or unkind to not have every family member in the wedding party, so how is having an event that is just the wedding party mean? Makes no sense to me, honestly.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting some time just with friends. Or having boundries. Everyone does not have to be included all the time in everything.

 

I consider it to be normal that there are certain events that are limited to the wedding party.

[Abigail4476]

All "protocol" aside, a wedding is supposed to be a celebration shared with family and friends. I don't get all the exclusive group parties and events.

 

I could nitpick the specifics to pieces and maybe come up with different conclusions, but I just keep thinking, "What's the big deal with having an aunt along?" When I was younger, I always enjoyed having my Grandma, my mother and my [much] older sisters along for everything. I don't understand why anyone would want to exclude family from a family celebration. It smacks of shallow, spoiled and selfish to me. I would reprimand my daughters for similar behavior in a heart beat. They'd better not try to pull any of this silliness at their weddings. :glare:

[lionfamily1999]

I'm not sure it's mean, given the context.

 

My extended family has had its fair share of wedding drama, some of it resulting in people not talking to one another for years. (Thankfully my immediate family has never been involved in it; we're not very dramatic people.) In every instance, the problem has been that an exception was made for one person, but not another person. Great-Aunt Ann was invited to the wedding, but not Great-Aunt Sue. Cousin Joan was allowed to go to the bachelorette party even though she wasn't in the wedding party, but Cousin Jen wasn't invited. Even though the invitation said adults-only, Aunt Sally was allowed to bring her kids to the reception and now Aunt Linda is mad because she had to struggle to find a sitter.

 

Making exceptions seems, in these situations, to sometimes snowball into bigger family conflicts than you would think possible. While on the one hand it would have been kind of your niece to make an exception for your aunt and have her along, on the other hand it could have resulted in a lot more hurt feelings from other family members.

I totally agree. That's why I think the question itself should be restated. The problem wasn't that an aunt was not invited, the problem that one specific person was not invited. And I agree, exceptions do seem to snowball.

 

I had aunts that didn't talk to me, because of my wedding, for years. My husband wanted a small service, but said I could have whomever I wanted to the reception. Well, it was all happening at the same place, so I sent out invites to the people I really, really wanted to come to the service and different invites to everyone for the reception... When the calls started coming in (oh, you want my presents, but not my presence) I explained that it was on a beach and if they showed up early they could see the service, but that dh wanted a small service so I was limited in how many I could invite to that. IOW, you aren't invited to the service for my dh's sake, but you could just show up... it's a beach.

 

I still get the hairy eyeball for that.

[silliness7]

I agree that with an age range of 12 - 30, this is not a bride getting together with her bestest friends for some bonding and girl talk before the wedding. Not unless they plan to push the 12 year old to the side and only included her because they felt they had to. (which would be rude, IMO).

 

 

 

Perhaps it's not so much an age issue as auntie herself. I won't assume that bridezilla doesn't love auntie to pieces. I also won't assume that auntie's presence would change the social dynamic and make it awkward. I don't know the woman. Maybe she makes inappropriate commets or talks too loudly or sticks her foot in her mouth or picks on niece's choice of eye makeup. I have relatives that I LOVE dearly who do random things like this. It can be embarrassing going out in public with them.

 

I also think weddings, especially budget DIY types are very stressful and very busy for the bride. Relatives tend to get conscripted making sandwiches, and ime are very happy to help even if they've traveled many miles. I think it's unreasonable to expect cozy chummy time with the bride. It didn't happen at my wedding and it didn't happen at the 3 in which I traveled a *very* long distance to attend. I think the expectation that the bride is going to "hang" with her guests is unrealistic. Maybe if weddings weren't such a production that would be possible. But honestly, if you didn't put on a production and just stood up in church in your Sunday best and recited your vows, who would travel long distances for that? Nobody made a special trip to witness our baptismal vows for our children, which were just as sacred, imo. Weddings are different and crazy and our culture has made them so.

 

You can't really expect young women growing up in an era of Bride Magazine to radically alter the view of weddings when our culture has ingrained a certain vision of it since the time they could talk. And when g-ma puts aside $500 for each g-kid's wedding when she herself is scraping by on SS she just feeds the expectation that weddings are productions. Productions are stressful. The bride is stressed. Auntie might add to that. Consider that and don't be offended. Don't pull your dd out of the fun.

[Abigail4476]

...Don't pull your dd out of the fun.

 

:iagree: with this. I might skip an event to prove a point, but I wouldn't make one of my daughters miss out unless they independently came to the same conclusion without my influence.

[twoforjoy]

All "protocol" aside, a wedding is supposed to be a celebration shared with family and friends. I don't get all the exclusive group parties and events.

 

I could nitpick the specifics to pieces and maybe come up with different conclusions, but I just keep thinking, "What's the big deal with having an aunt along?" When I was younger, I always enjoyed having my Grandma, my mother and my [much] older sisters along for everything. I don't understand why anyone would want to exclude family from a family celebration.

 

She's not excluding anybody from the wedding, though.

 

I got married at 22. The wedding was really for my family. My mother planned most of it. We made decisions about the reception and even the ceremony based on the needs of our guests, especially older relatives. It really was something I thought about as a family celebration.

 

The thing that was for me was having three of my good girlfriends--who weren't in the wedding party (I just had my sister as my maid of honor, to avoid having to pick and choose and hurt feelings), but were readers during the ceremony--over to chat and hang out the night before the wedding. It wasn't about being "exclusive"; it was about my wanting to have a night with my good friends. If I'd been expected to invite over other people who I wasn't all that close too--an aunt, a cousin, my grandma--it would have been something entirely different. That's not to say that, in another context, I wouldn't love to hang out with my aunt, cousin, or grandma. I would. But, that night I wanted to spend a few hours with my best girlfriends, people I'd known since we were in middle school, and I don't think I was being exclusive or selfish in doing so.

[Spy Car]

I just don't see it, sorry. There are many, many things in life that have limits, this is just one of them. I don't see how its hurtful or unkind to have it be wedding party only...its not hurtful or unkind to not have every family member in the wedding party, so how is having an event that is just the wedding party mean? Makes no sense to me, honestly.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting some time just with friends. Or having boundries. Everyone does not have to be included all the time in everything.

 

I consider it to be normal that there are certain events that are limited to the wedding party.

 

Let's say we have a profound difference of opinion on this matter. If a bride can't extend kindness to a family member (one who could clearly use some given her life's circumstances) it does not speak at all well to her character or her maturity.

 

I can't imagine this sort of behavior.

 

Bill

[july19]

What happened to basic human decency and kindness? This exclusivistic "wedding party only" mentality is hurtful and unkind towards loved ones.

 

What a shame.

 

Bill

 

:iagree:

[Impish]

All "protocol" aside, a wedding is supposed to be a celebration shared with family and friends. I don't get all the exclusive group parties and events.

 

I could nitpick the specifics to pieces and maybe come up with different conclusions, but I just keep thinking, "What's the big deal with having an aunt along?" When I was younger, I always enjoyed having my Grandma, my mother and my [much] older sisters along for everything. I don't understand why anyone would want to exclude family from a family celebration. It smacks of shallow, spoiled and selfish to me. I would reprimand my daughters for similar behavior in a heart beat. They'd better not try to pull any of this silliness at their weddings. :glare:

But the family IS invited to the wedding, which is the actual celebration.

 

The manicure is seperate, imo.

[silliness7]

Everyone does not have to be included all the time in everything.

 

 

 

I know people IRL who haven't really grasped this concept yet and it is incredibly frustrating. Oh the drama....

[stripe]

Group grooming gives me the creeps.

 

I don't know why anyone would want to participate, but this could have been handled much better.

[lionfamily1999]

But the family IS invited to the wedding, which is the actual celebration.

 

The manicure is seperate, imo.

:iagree:

I know people IRL who haven't really grasped this concept yet and it is incredibly frustrating. Oh the drama....

:iagree: Some things are just not about *you.* Not you, you, but a general you ;)

[silliness7]

Let's say we have a profound difference of opinion on this matter. If a bride can't extend kindness to a family member (one who could clearly use some given her life's circumstances) it does not speak at all well to her character or her maturity.

 

I can't imagine this sort of behavior.

 

Bill

 

I wouldn't tar and feather the bride over one auntie's description of the problem. There are multiple sides to every story. Maybe niece *is* a dirty rotten scoundrel. I just don't think what's been shared necessarily proves it. Much more information is needed. And much of the information that has been given is irrelevant.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: to the OP regarding your son. He sounds like an awesome guy and I'm glad that everyone's last memories of him are so wonderful. A family get together without him present is bound to make you emotional and stressed out and no doubt colors your perception of the events as well. We're all human. I'm sorry about your son.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

There is no way I'd not let my Aunt get her nails done. As much as the bride might want that time for her friends, I couldn't do it. I would sit there with a pit of acid in my stomach knowing I had been wretched to a person who loved me.

 

The Aunt should have been asked. And I would be doing the same thing you are.

:iagree::grouphug:

[DarlaS]

Let's say we have a profound difference of opinion on this matter. If a bride can't extend kindness to a family member (one who could clearly use some given her life's circumstances) it does not speak at all well to her character or her maturity.

 

I can't imagine this sort of behavior.

 

Bill

 

I would not want to be the person who was included simply because someone was being "kind".

 

But that's me. Maybe she would not figure it out.

[Aubrey]

You may have a good point there.

 

More background...

 

My niece is 25 years old and has been a grown up living on her own for quite some time. The bridesmaids range in age from 12-30.

 

The only way for my sister to see her is for me to drive her the 7.5 hours to there. She can only drive for short amounts of time in town.

 

All of our female family members are in the wedding except for me, my sister and my mom. In other words, all of the female family that is traveling from out of state will be at the manicure.

 

This puts it over the line, imo. Auntie shouldn't have even had to ask; she should have been included, along w/ you & your mom.

 

:grouphug:

 

Hopefully, she's just stressed w/ wedding stuff & not thinking. A cousin (mom's age) helped w/ our wedding--as in Made It Happen, & at one point she asked my opinion on something. I said something SO RUDE to her that I won't even repeat it here--it's haunted me ever since. Now, I MEANT something really nice--REALLY nice. It just came out...well, as soon as I said it, I went, "Jeepers, that didn't sound AT ALL how I meant it."

 

She was sweet about it, but for 12 years now I've wanted to apologize. Mom keeps telling me not to, to just thank her for all she did. But I feel TERRIBLE.

 

Hopefully this is something like that for your niece. :grouphug:

[Spy Car]

I would not want to be the person who was included simply because someone was being "kind".

 

But that's me. Maybe she would not figure it out.

 

I, conversely, would not want to be the person who behaved so unkindly toward loved ones. Including the Aunt because she felt "forced into it" wouldn't speak highly of the bride's character either. It is sad she wouldn't want to include a person who had sacrificed for her and could probably use some human kindness and do so from a place of genuine affection.

 

Sad.

 

Bill

[Jean in Newcastle]

Let's say we have a profound difference of opinion on this matter. If a bride can't extend kindness to a family member (one who could clearly use some given her life's circumstances) it does not speak at all well to her character or her maturity.

 

I can't imagine this sort of behavior.

 

Bill

 

I 100% agree with you, Bill.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

What happened to basic human decency and kindness? This exclusivistic "wedding party only" mentality is hurtful and unkind towards loved ones.

 

What a shame.

 

Bill

 

:iagree:

[SailorMom]

Ok - but here's the thing....

Why can't everyone just show the aunt how much they appreciate her regularly? Why does it have to be shown at this bride's spa day? Why isn't it ok for the three ladies not going to the bride's manicure thingy to go do something together?

 

I mean, perhaps there are personality clashes in the group - maybe aunt doesn't get along well with one of the bridesmaids or something... but - I think we all need to consider that the bride might have a good reason for what she is doing that the OP doesn't even know about.

 

Aunts, no matter how close they are, are not usually included in a bride's prep day - at least none that I've known - unless they are in the bridal party.... I highly doubt that the bride is purposefully snubbing anyone. In fact - she is probably so stressed out and overwhelmed - and constantly being hit with stuff like this- that she really is just on auto-pilot.

 

I'm sorry - but this is HER wedding, her bridesmaids, her choices. It is not her job to make the aunt feel good. Now - at other times, sure. If this was a family reunion - or something - but it isn't.

 

Let the girl enjoy her day and stop with the family drama...... in fact,,,, maybe family drama is exactly what she was trying to avoid.

[catz]

My 24 year old niece is getting married out of state this fall and none of the aunts are attending any pre wedding primping nor would I feel comfortable doing so. Obviously, none of us know the full story and what the relationship is exactly between the aunt and the bride. But I guess it doesn't seem that strange to me.

 

I do think the aunts throwing in money and food for this event is unusual though.