JoyfulMama Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Hoping for some BTDT information. My inlaws have always spoken with me in regard to our children. I do want to be able to have a relationship with them that is not dependent upon the relationship with my husband. However, as far as having the children spend time with them, for overnights, and such, do you require your ex to be involved with his parents to make such arrangements? They are asking me to make arrangements for the children to spend individual time with them (one child only for one weekend each throughout the summer). I understand that I have them all of the time right now (no formal arrangements in place yet, and his time with them has been very limited), and therefore it makes sense for them to ask me, but a big part of me thinks that they should be working with their son on this, and that he should take some responsibility for ensuring his children see his parents. What say you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Maybe they'd rather deal with you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickelfritz Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Since he has limited contact, I think going through him is unnecessary. They would talk to him, he would talk to you, back to them to tell them what you said, and so on.... I think that leaves a lot of room for miscommunication and that it is preferable for you to deal directly with them. My dh NEVER correctly relates the details between family. And that's with us all on good terms. I contact MIL and SIL, directly, if I need to communicate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brehon Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Not sure if this applies to your situation, but when my parents divorced my grandparents (my dad's parents) preferred to work out visiting arrangements with my mom. My parents had been married a long time when they divorced (almost 20 years) and my grandparents regarded (and still to this day my g-mom regards) my mother as their second daughter. If you and your inlaws have a good relationship on your own (i.e., outside your husband) it may work fine to work out visiting arrangements among yourselves. Or it may work fine now but need to be re-evaluated down the line. I don't think there is a wrong answer here; rather, there could be several right answers and the best one is the one which works for all of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missiemick Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 If he is supposed to have limited contact -- do you think this is a chance for him to get to spend more time with them? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Since he has limited contact, I think going through him is unnecessary. They would talk to him, he would talk to you, back to them to tell them what you said, and so on.... I think that leaves a lot of room for miscommunication and that it is preferable for you to deal directly with them. My dh NEVER correctly relates the details between family. And that's with us all on good terms. I contact MIL and SIL, directly, if I need to communicate. :iagree: My mother never did this with my father's side of the family when they divorced. As a result, I grew up never seeing them. And they lived in the same town. :glare: As an adult, I finally had the opportunity to get to know them (once my mother died) and realized what a WONDERFUL and kind group of people they were. I ended up being quite bitter at my parents over being nitwits and keeping me from getting to know my paternal aunts, uncles, and cousins. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoyfulMama Posted June 25, 2011 Author Share Posted June 25, 2011 If he is supposed to have limited contact -- do you think this is a chance for him to get to spend more time with them? He has not made his time with them a priority. I guess it comes down to my wants. I want him to make his time with them a priority, and I want him to include his family in that. Reality is, that won't happen, so it comes back to being on my shoulders, and so then it will be my responsibility to make sure the children have a relationship with their grandparents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Hoping for some BTDT information. My inlaws have always spoken with me in regard to our children. I do want to be able to have a relationship with them that is not dependent upon the relationship with my husband. I would make the arrangements independently. Less misunderstandings, less confusion, less frustration. Are you talking about paying for the travel, or driving them there? I would hope his parents would help with that ... :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MelanieM Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 As the child of divorced parents, I'm really happy that my mother maintained a relationship with my father's family and made a point of ensuring we saw them regularly. As the aunt of nieces that do not live with my brother, I am happy that their mothers are open to maintaining a relationship with me and my family of origin and that we don't have to count on my brother for contact with them. I think if your ex isn't likely to fill the role of go-between appropriately, then the children will be the ones suffering if you try to make him the primary person in all of this. I also think it would probably be far more of a headache for you to try to arrange visits with grandparents through him then just contacting them and doing it yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sditz1 Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 I have a realtionship with my in laws. I have been in their lives for the last 25 years. I think of my exes dad as my own dad. I am also on a talking basis with his step mom. They are both more than welcomed to come and see or pick up their grandchild if they would like too. My ex is in my daughters life, but when she is with me they come to me to ask. I am very thankful for anyone that chooses to be in my life. And as long as theybring happiness to my life they are welcomed to stay. I would never interfer with family functions since my ex is their son and he comes first. But I will see them when we can I love them very much. I am also close to two of my exes cousins. One is my best friend. Like I said before I am thankful for anyone that would like to be in my life. My inlaws are both getting older and both have cancer. Life is too short not to be in their life. Susan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 Ideally, their father would make sure the children are seeing his parents regularly. However, it sounds as if that is not your situation. In which case, I see nothing wrong with you making plans with his parents. In fact, it would be a *good* thing if you did that, since their father isn't. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 If you're okay with continuing a personal relationship with them, then working directly with them seems like no big deal. When I divorced, we stopped talking to each other's family. I literally have not spoken to anyone in my ex-husband's family since before my divorce 18 years ago. I am not looking forward to occasions where I will need to interact with them, like when dd20 gets married and has a baby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 I think it's nice that they want to see the kids, and that they want to maintain a relationship with you, as well. I think if you insist that they make arrangements through your ex, your in-laws may think you don't want anything to do with them directly, and their feelings might be hurt. If you get along with them, I think you should communicate directly with them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renthead Mommy Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 Like most moms, You know when the birthday parties are, sleepovers, dance class, sport practices are. In other words, still married or not, you keep the kids calendar. If ex gets more involved in the kids or not, you will always run their calendar. Your MIL may just realize this and goes straight to you. Or she knows her son is an idiot who would not know what is going on if she did ask him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 Like most moms, You know when the birthday parties are, sleepovers, dance class, sport practices are. In other words, still married or not, you keep the kids calendar. If ex gets more involved in the kids or not, you will always run their calendar. Your MIL may just realize this and goes straight to you. Or she knows her son is an idiot who would not know what is going on if she did ask him. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 My mother directly communicates with my brother's ex in order to spend time with the grands. My brother is a ridiculous putz and so angry about his ex-wive's affair, that he has NO intention of communicating with her on anything that the court doesn't directly order even if it hurts his kids. He is more than willing to use them to get back at her. So, my mom spear heads the whole thing and it's easier that way. His ex, while a real shrew as a wife, recognized quite quickly that it would hurt the children to be separated from grandparents that they dearly loved and had spent a lot of time with prior to the divorce. So, she is amenable. I'd say if your ex does not make it a priority to spend time with his children in his own life, I would not hurt the children by forcing him to arrange visits to his parents. If it isn't important to him to see his children, it is even less important in his list of priorities to organize visits for his parents. Let the loving grandma and grandpa organize these so they aren't punished by their irresponsible son and your children aren't deprived of the relationship with them. You an always reevaluate if for some reason it became inappropriate for your children to see their father and his parents used their visits as a way to circumvent your authority. Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiniBlondes Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 I am divorced (and remarried) and I have a better relationship with my ex's parents than he does. He never speaks to them. I speak to them once or twice a week. It's really unfortunate but I sacrifice my weekends with the children and take them to see his parents. Not every single time, but at least once a month. Otherwise, they would never get to see them. It sucks that we have to sacrifice our time together (we only get one weekend together as a family) but it's more important to me that they girls have a relationship with their Grandparents. You will have situations throughout your life where you will need to interact with them on some level. Birthday parties, birthday parties for grand kids, etc. It's important to keep friendly relationships if at all possible. I firmly believe that is one of the best lessons that we can teach our children. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sditz1 Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 I am divorced (and remarried) and I have a better relationship with my ex's parents than he does. He never speaks to them. I speak to them once or twice a week. It's really unfortunate but I sacrifice my weekends with the children and take them to see his parents. Not every single time, but at least once a month. Otherwise, they would never get to see them. It sucks that we have to sacrifice our time together (we only get one weekend together as a family) but it's more important to me that they girls have a relationship with their Grandparents. You will have situations throughout your life where you will need to interact with them on some level. Birthday parties, birthday parties for grand kids, etc. It's important to keep friendly relationships if at all possible. I firmly believe that is one of the best lessons that we can teach our children. Good luck! I totally agree. Glad to see someone who has been there done that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparkygirl Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 My MIL regularly watches my nephew, dh and his ex share 50/50 custody, MIL calls us first to see if we have bonus son and if he can spend the night with his cousin. If we do not have bonus son and we do not already know of a special event at mommy's house we have her call dh's ex and have even gone out with grandma and both boys to chuckee cheese on Sunday morning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghee Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 I would think that, typically, they would try to see them during his time. However, in the case that he's not choosing to spend much time with them, and it's, therefore, primarily you in charge, it seems reasonable that they ask you. If you don't get along with them, I might find it odd, but if you are okay with them and their requests, I'd view it as a bonus. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 He has not made his time with them a priority. I guess it comes down to my wants. I want him to make his time with them a priority, and I want him to include his family in that. Reality is, that won't happen, so it comes back to being on my shoulders, and so then it will be my responsibility to make sure the children have a relationship with their grandparents. You can't change him. If it is not his priority for him, you will be the one to have to keep in touch with his parents. My parents divorced after 17 years of marriage and my mom drove the 10 hours probably twice a year for me to see my father's mom. I am very grateful for that. It isn't about what you want either it is about what is best for your kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 I would continue to do things the way you've always done them, which seems to be direct coordination with the in-laws. I didn't have a super relationship with my exFIL when I was married to his son, but if he wanted to take his granddaughter to dinner or have her over, he'd just call me and see what worked for both calendars. No biggie. You can't force your ex to be interested, involved, or even present, so why add that to your frustration? Just pretend he doesn't exist until he decides he does. Know what I mean? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 He has not made his time with them a priority. I guess it comes down to my wants. I want him to make his time with them a priority, and I want him to include his family in that. Reality is, that won't happen, so it comes back to being on my shoulders, and so then it will be my responsibility to make sure the children have a relationship with their grandparents. It is going to be damaging enough for your kids to deal with a father who has made it clear his kids are not a priority in his life. I think it is in the kid's best interest that you keep the bonds with the grandparents strong, and I think your kids will thank you someday. I have not BTDT.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puma Mom Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 As the child of divorced parents, I'm really happy that my mother maintained a relationship with my father's family and made a point of ensuring we saw them regularly. I think if your ex isn't likely to fill the role of go-between appropriately, then the children will be the ones suffering if you try to make him the primary person in all of this. I also think it would probably be far more of a headache for you to try to arrange visits with grandparents through him then just contacting them and doing it yourself. Yes, this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michelle in AL Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 I don't know how long you've been separated, but my main issue with my STBXH has been scheduling. He never goes through me, he talks to our kids instead since they are older, but about 20% of the time it interferes with my plans with them or is at an inopportune time, so scheduling things myself works much better. Since you know your schedule and plans and when would be best to have the kids out of the house etc, it would probably be more convenient for you to talk to them. Then you can make sure nothing is miscommunicated too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 I'm taking my mom to see my grandmother (her ex-mil) next month on our way back from WDW and my grandmother is over the moon about it. She also loves the woman my father remarried, but she holds no bad feelings for my mom and has only seen her a few times in the last 25 years. I guess all I'm saying is if it works for you guys, then maintain your own relationship with the ex-in-laws. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 I think it depends on the pre-existing relationship. If the relationship is positive, then I'd continue to deal w/inlaws myself. For me, the only plus I could see if Wolf and I split is I'd never, EVER deal w/MIL again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 Call me crazy, but I'd want to keep as much control as I could. I'd bypass the ex. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 I think it's nice that they want to see the kids, and that they want to maintain a relationship with you, as well. I think if you insist that they make arrangements through your ex, your in-laws may think you don't want anything to do with them directly, and their feelings might be hurt. If you get along with them, I think you should communicate directly with them. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 No, I don't think they should have to go through your ex. I am the child of divorce, the grandchild of divorce, and the great-grandchild of divorce. Unless the GPs are bad people, I think children have a right to a relationship with them. I think a wise parent allows and facilitates her children's relationships with good grandparents. They can have an incredibly positive impact on kids, be a sort of safety net adding extra security, and in some ways, help make up the deficit created by a poor parent. If their dad is neglecting them, having his parents care about them can be incredibly healing to the kids. I have seen the results of a mother who did the opposite, controlling and limiting contact, gifts, etc. from her ex's parents. The impact was so very sad. If you like them well enough, work with them directly. Otherwise, in a way, you are using them to try to get your husband to change and pulling their relationship with you and their relationship with your kids into your relationship with your ex. He is who he is as a parent. He may hurt your kids because of who he is. Just keep the lines/boundaries clean. He may never change, but keeping the boundaries clean is the best way to open a door to it and the healthiest thing to do for your kids. None of this applies if they actively undermine you, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Delighted3 Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 It is going to be damaging enough for your kids to deal with a father who has made it clear his kids are not a priority in his life. I think it is in the kid's best interest that you keep the bonds with the grandparents strong, and I think your kids will thank you someday. I have not BTDT.:grouphug: I totally agree with this. I was older when my parent's divorced and my Dad never made me a priority or helped me maintain a relationship with his side of the family. Now that I am an adult and his family is all the family I have left other than my brothers, I only have occasional awkward contact with them. Divorce is hard and I think you should maintain whatever connections you can for your kids sake. JMO, Joy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 Hmmm..when I first got divorced my ex MIL wouldn't speak to me at all for about a year, even when I was at her front door dropping off my son. But she got over it (she has her own issues), and now is cordial. Sometimes they meet me to get my son if my ex is in class or something, so I will call them directly. But usually I arrange things through my ex. On the other hand my parents..well, my mom more than my Dad, lol, are very cordial with my ex, and invite him to go fishing with them, and will call him or my son to see if he can come over when my exh has him (My ex lives much closer to them than I do), etc. So it just depends. Maybe ideally your ex would handle this, but if he isn't than you should. Grandparent relationships are SO important while going through a divorce. It offers the kids a sense of stability. Do what it takes to make it a priority. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samiam Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 Haven't read all the responses, but I don't think the grandparents relationship should hinge on the father's relationship with your children. If they are good grandparents, positive loving influences for your children, (again, I didn't read past the first page of responses, so not sure if it's been stated that they weren't), they should get to have their own relationship, if they want to make the effort. He can get his time (if he deserves to and makes the effort.). They live with you and you will get your time. Grandparents time should NOT detract from his time, if he is only get's limited time. Honestly, I'd think that a single parent would welcome and cherish grandparent involvement, if it's a good kind. Children need as many loving adults in their life as they can, especially when they are going through a divorce. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 I think it's great that they are talking to you. When my parents split up, my father's parents never spoke to my mother again. Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinivanMom Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 I'm not sure why everyone feels the need to explain why grandparents are important to you, as it sounds to me like you are just asking about the logistics of visiting the grandparents within the framework of a custodial arrangement.:001_smile: The answer to your question is . . . Yes, it is customary for parents to take the children to visit the grandparents during their own custodial time. If a parent has access to the children, then he should be taking the children to visit his own parents. So, yes, your ex should be taking the children to visit his parents when he has them for visitation. If your ex does not have visitation (or is not taking advantage of the visitation granted to him), then it would be very kind to make arrangements yourself for the children to have time with the grandparents. You are not legally obligated to do so, but is generally the right thing to do :001_smile:. Of course, I'm assuming that your children have a loving, ongoing relationship with the grandparents and that the grandparents are neither abusive nor manipulative. Snip So it just depends. Maybe ideally your ex would handle this, but if he isn't than you should. Grandparent relationships are SO important while going through a divorce. It offers the kids a sense of stability. Do what it takes to make it a priority. I just wanted to point out that this isn't always true. Some grandparents try to get involved in the divorce proceedings, finance ongoing custody battles, and trash-talk their former son/daughter-in-law. Some grandparents are wonderful, but it can be hard to stay neutral when your child is going through a divorce. My own paternal grandmother could not stay out of my parents' divorce. She financed ongoing legal battles (to try to relieve my biological father of any child support obligations :001_huh:) and trash-talked my mother every.single.moment we were with her. She caused more havoc than the original divorce did. Just another perspective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aprilleigh Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 I was lucky to be a child of divorced parents whose paternal grandparents very much wanted to be a part of my life even though my father tried to avoid it at all costs. My mother made it happen - even when we lived on opposite sides of the country - and I am still grateful for it all these years later. If we had depended on my father to make those arrangements I would have lost so much. My grandmother was an amazing woman who added so much to my life, and my grandfather, who died when I was 13, was my best friend. That doesn't mean it was always simple for anyone involved - my mother and my grandparents had their disagreements, but they put them aside to do what was best for my brother and me. If your ex's parents are even half the grandparents mine were, you'll never regret making the effort. My mother never did, even though there were a few days that weren't high on her good memories list. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 My control freak issues mean that I would be delighted to be the one making all arrangements :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen in VA Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 You can't change him. If it is not his priority for him, you will be the one to have to keep in touch with his parents. My parents divorced after 17 years of marriage and my mom drove the 10 hours probably twice a year for me to see my father's mom. I am very grateful for that. It isn't about what you want either it is about what is best for your kids. :iagree:My parents divorced after 20 years of marriage. My mom always made sure I spent time with my dad's parents and even invited them to family gatherings with her mom. It sounds like you resent your ex's lack of involvement and don't like having to be the one to make sure your kids maintain a good relationship with their grandparents and I can understand that. It's always frustrating when people don't do what they ought to do. But your main concern should not be about what your ex ought to be doing, or the fact that you now have to take on a responsibility you consider his, but rather, it should be for the best interests of your children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyFL Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 He has not made his time with them a priority. I guess it comes down to my wants. I want him to make his time with them a priority, and I want him to include his family in that. Reality is, that won't happen, so it comes back to being on my shoulders, and so then it will be my responsibility to make sure the children have a relationship with their grandparents. Exactly. There is nothing you can do to control his involvement of lack or it. Neither the kids nor the grandparents should be punished for his problems. You're it. You are the wonderful mom who can be sure they keep their extended family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 He has not made his time with them a priority. I guess it comes down to my wants. I want him to make his time with them a priority, and I want him to include his family in that. Reality is, that won't happen, so it comes back to being on my shoulders, and so then it will be my responsibility to make sure the children have a relationship with their grandparents. I think this is the root of the matter. It is always painful to see a father distance himself from his own children. You want him to be involved but he is preoccupied or not ready, or has other reasons. His parents should not suffer because of their son's irresponsibility. I think it shows respect for you that they approach you first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamzanne Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 Ideally, their father would make sure the children are seeing his parents regularly. However, it sounds as if that is not your situation. In which case, I see nothing wrong with you making plans with his parents. In fact, it would be a *good* thing if you did that, since their father isn't. :grouphug: I agree - I would consider it a joy to ensure that they spend time with your children. I have been dealing with an unpleasant situation with my ex-inlaws today. They make no effort to have a relationship with my daughter outside of a check on Christmas and birthdays. Yet they expect us to dutifully visit every year for what is (to me) the most miserable 5 days each year. I can't afford the cross-country plane tickets any longer and don't want to spend my vacation time with my least favorite people, so I told them that they could visit her this time. The sh$% hit the fan this morning! They can't visit us in Oregon, even though they have visited California, Texas, Florida, South Carolina, Maine, Georgia, and the Bahamas all within the last few months. They just can't! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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