For wives who do not believe in submitting...

[justamouse]

Tincture of time, if you have that luxury.

:iagree::iagree:

 

Can you just wait it out a little to see if there will be a wind change?

[Mynyel]

I would think it depends on who has to do whatever it is with the child.

 

For instance I get the final word on homeschooling because I am the one who has to do it.

 

If he is the one who has to do something with the kids (discipline, schedule, going somewhere, whatever) he gets the final word.

 

So if it is something that you have to do (discipline, schedule, going somewhere, whatever) then I say you get the final word.

 

At least that is the way it works here. But then again, I am not the most submissive person, especially when it come to something that needs to be done. :D

[extendedforecast]

The next step for us would be to research the issue and try to make the best decision together. If worse comes to worse, the one who will be most impacted by the decision and/or has more experience in that area gets his/her way.

[JennyD]

We just go around, and around, and around until we come to a decision we can both live with.

[Night Elf]

Like someone else said, we go around and around until one of us gives enough that the decision is made. But we really try to look at the issue objectively, not emotionally.

 

Sometimes a decision just has to be made and one person just has to deal with it. It's not the preference, but sometimes it is what it is.

[Night Elf]

We received some excellent advice about decision making prior to our marriage. It takes two yeses and only one no. In other words if even one of you says no, the answer is no.

 

This is how we mostly roll. The problem is that I'm often the one who "loses" because of our personalities. I'm the one who wants to try things and do things, and he's the type of person who is happy to stay with the status quo. But occasionally he'll give in as long as it is something that doesn't affect him negatively. As for feelings, I'm the very sensitive one. So even with small decisions, I can walk away with bruised feelings. He's extremely logical, so even if he doesn't "win", he accepts it as a done deal and has no harboring feelings on the matter. Thank goodness most of my bruised feelings fade quickly. I only have one matter that causes me to hurt on a daily basis that will surely last until my dying day. I'm not bitter though. I just hurt.

[Unicorn.]

Oooh, that is a hard one!

 

That's why the president/vice-president model of marriage works great for me! We just went into our relationship with the idea that in a situation like that he is the Pres and I am the Vice-Pres. We are equals in every way most of the time, but when push comes to shove he gets the last word.

 

It has worked out, even though there are soooo many times when I have felt that mine was the superior reason. :)

 

That's called being submissive, imho.

 

 

Even though we are equal, we are unique and each of us tends to naturally have more authority in certain areas. There are issues around the kids where I simply don't ask dh as we probably would disagree, but they are not huge issues, and I take authority there as a matter of course because I do the day to day parenting more than he does. I don't want the hassle so I dont ask.

When we made the decision to homeschool- that was a big and we were even living separately at the time, but I still felt I needed his agreement. I had to work really hard to get him to agree to a 6 month trial. After that initial decision, I made most of the decisions regarding homeschooling, and eventually, our kids going back out into the world.

Other issues- such as safety, I often do defer to him. As the kids are asking to go to parties, drive in other peoples' cars...I have asked them to check with their dad first. He is stricter. We both also are very intuitive, and I would like us both to check in with our gut feelings each and every time. I don't bother deferring to him if I have already said no, though.

Day to day money stuff he tends to make more decisions than me, but usually consults with me.

 

So...we are not weighed equally in all areas. If the decision you need to make regarding your child affects one of you personally more than the other, I think that should alter the balance of whose decision should weigh more. Or perhaps one of you is far more experienced in a certain area- perhaps that should weigh more. If its all equal...one of you will have to allow the other to win, so to speak. But remember it and make sure it isn't that way every time.

 

:iagree: This exactly. Which parent will the decision have the greatest impact on/ or who has the most experience.

[sewpeaceful]

Oooh, that is a hard one!

 

That's why the president/vice-president model of marriage works great for me! We just went into our relationship with the idea that in a situation like that he is the Pres and I am the Vice-Pres. We are equals in every way most of the time, but when push comes to shove he gets the last word.

 

It has worked out, even though there are soooo many times when I have felt that mine was the superior reason. :)

 

Us too but he is CEO and I am COO - he makes the decision in this situation and I would support him ad help make it happen. Besides, the COO manages the operation of the house.... just like Titus and Proverbs tells us to.

 

In the end, this is my least favorite situation. Rarely does he play the upper card and usually lets me have my way but when he DOES play the card, I respect him and back down (not easily and I try not to grumble too loudly).

 

Good luck!

[deacongirl]

What (in theory!) works for us...and a site I wish I had read sooner because the whole idea of male headship and female submission was damaging to my marriage.

 

A Christian Understanding of Submission

[deacongirl]

:iagree: If it matters more to one of us to do ____ than it does to the other to NOT do _____, one of us usually concedes. For example, my dh really wanted to make homemade beer. In our bedroom:glare:. I really did not enjoy this idea. Finally I realized it mattered much more to him to make it there (something about temperature) than it matter to me, so I gave in. I didn't think of it a submitting. I thought of it as being humble. He's done the same for me.

 

Yes to the bolded.

[6packofun]

If someone gives the other top consideration, the final say after sharing all thoughts and opinions, bends to the desires of the other out of love, deference, etc., that is what real mutual submission is. So, we can call it something else if it makes us sound or feel less hard-core Christian-y or something, but it's still submission.

 

If one doesn't feel as if the husband's say is final at an impasse like this, I guess the couple can keep going until someone decides to fold. lol It doesn't *have* to be the wife who defers.

 

However, I think it's important to see that for many husbands (I'll say not all just to make everyone happy), his ability to make decisions for his family, with all of the information and input from his wife, of course, is an integral part of who he is as husband and father. This is why I defer to MY dh (because I think it's true regardless of the Biblical thing, although I truly think it's part of WHY it's in the Bible, LOL). Making a decision that will take care of me or our marriage or our family in any way matters to him in a different way than it does to me. We both care about the outcome, the rightness of the choice, but it matters to him on a deeper level as provider, whether he's the financial breadwinner or not.

 

Hope I haven't offended anyone with my thoughts. :)

[Aelwydd]

How do you handle it when you disagree with each other and a decision has to be made? This isn't a debate and I hope the thread doesn't turn nasty. It is an honest question.

 

We have to make a decision. The decision won't go away. I have stated my opinion and I believe my DH has been opened and listened, seriously considered my side however he disagrees. I have given him the same courtesy and listened to his reasoning and I don't agree. Unfortunately the situation is a do or don't so there really isn't a compromise. This is a decision that affects us both equally. It has to do with raising our child so we are pretty much on level playing field as to who knows best.

 

 

We research the situation, and we discuss it in depth. We do not try to strong arm or force the other into "giving in." We have had many decisions like yours, including the decision to move from PA (where his family lives) to TX (where my family lives), to the shape of our religious beliefs and practice, to how our son should be schooled.

 

We have never yet come to an impasse. Our answer to the "who's in charge" question is, we both are, because we listen to each other and we are both willing to compromise. Often, a decision has to be made, and one or the other will make it, simply because it happens to be an area of expertise for one of us. Such as, when I was pregnant, it was me who decided on midwifery care, in an out-of-hospital birth center, because I'd done the research, and it was me who was being most affected by the process. I still presented my research to John; I didn't just railroad him into compliance. But, he supported me, and I took the lead on that front.

 

Right now, we are deciding when and where in Canada to move. I'm inclined to one region, he's inclined to another. We both have good reasons for our preferences. However, we'll make the best choice for our family together, because we both trust each other's judgment.

 

 

 

ETA: Neither one of us derives a sense of self-worth from being "in charge" or "the decision-maker"; this is an important aspect of our relationship, because it means decisions are based more upon the information at hand, and less upon stoking someone's ego.

Edited June 17, 2011 by Aelwydd

[KidsHappen]

In 20+ years of marriage I can only remember two issues that we could not come to a compromise on. Generally speaking whoever cares the most/is most passionate about the issue carries the day. That has resolved almost all conflicts of this sort. If we feel equally passionate about it then we take a course of inaction or the most conservative action until one of us concedes.

 

I will say that I vary rarely dig my heels in on a major issue unless it is a hill I am willing to die on and frankly there just aren't many hills that meet that standard. If it is a hill I am willing to die on, I come to the table completely educated and prepared which my hubby doesn't neccesarily do. Therefore, I usually win those issues from the get go because obviously I care more.

 

One of the two issues that we had a conflict on did regard a child rearing decision. It was a difficult situation too because I had done a 180 on my feelings on that position in my life time. I used to be very anti medical establishment and very opposed to medications. I am bi-polar and finally realized that for the sake of my children I needed to give on that issue. Once I began medicating, it made a world of difference in my life and then I became convinced that I should also medicate my bi-polar child. My hubby was opposed. Because I had lived the issue and I knew what a difference it made I was very passionate about the issue but we didn not proceed until my hubby wass on-board. So far it seems to have been a good decision but I guess we really won't know until she is grown.

 

The other issue was of a more private nature and was a zero sum situation and not only that, the fall out from one of us winning would have been worse than the original conflict. We had to compromise. We had to find a middle ground. Even the compromise did not resolve the conflict, lessen the tension or relieve the stress. It tooks years work this one out and it shook the very foundations of our marriage. We had become embattled and entrenched in our positions and essentially adversaries. In the end, I was the one that had to give a little and I had to seek help to do it. The issue still rears it's head occassionally but I look at it differently now and am able to approach it differently. I think time, age and experience has made the difference here.

[JennyD]

So, for example, if we have a disagreement over where our money is going that we can't come to a compromise on, I'll defer to DH because he is the one bringing in the vast majority of our income.

 

I don't mean to single you out, much less pick on you,:001_smile: but this is niggling at me and I just can't let it go: just because you are not being paid does not mean that your work does not have economic value. It has the value of whatever you would pay someone else to do what you do all day. Which, admittedly, is not very much, presuming you're a SAHM like me, because our society places a very low value on carework, and ESPECIALLY when that carework is largely done by women, so maybe you're already factoring this in and that's what you mean when you say 'vast majority.' But just in case, and to belabor the point, the imputed value of your unpaid labor should be considered part of the family income.

Edited June 17, 2011 by JennyD

[angela in ohio]

nm.

Edited June 17, 2011 by angela in ohio

[StephanieZ]

We negotiate. We listen. We bend. We try to find a middle ground. We respect each other a great deal, so I think that respect and affection goes a long way towards easy joint decision making.

 

Personally, dh & I are both very accomodating. We don't argue about decisions, because each of us is more than willing to meet in the middle, in fact, we're each usually willing to GIVE 90-100%. . . Our core values are very similar, so that makes it a lot easier. Our financial-risk comfort zones are also similar.

 

If one of us senses discomfort/worry about money or any other aspect of a decision, the other is usually VERY fast to jump in and back-pedal, consider alternatives, problem solve. . . in order to address concerns and find a win-win.

 

The nature of the decision will influence who has final say. If a decision falls into a realm that is more important to one of us, then we defer to that person readily. If it's really a vital decision to both of us, then we work together to make it. We both tend to value harmony over being in control most of the time, so we often just totally delegate decision making to one or the other of us. We trust each other's judgment, and appreciate that by having the OTHER partner handling a decision, it saves the undeciding partner a heap of work and stress.

 

We have SO many decisions and responsibilities in our business & family lives that, really, we LOVE to defer to each other. It would never occur to us to argue over decorating, car purchases, etc. . . It has to be a REALLY major (having another kid, etc) to be worthy of both of us paying attention!

 

There's only been one decision ever (16 year married) that we couldn't quickly and easily come to a joint decision: whether to have another baby after #3. . . (although #3 took a bit of discussion, too). We did always both agree in our guts/hearts that either of us had veto power over any additional kids. So, the decision making PROCESS was clear from the get go. (It just does not feel at all right to either of us to put the vast responsibilities of a child, as well as impact the rest of our family unit/relations with current kids, onto a parent who is not fully in agreement.) So, even though I argued passionately (for years, with tears, with threats, with ridiculous negotiating tactics), I did not, and would not, INSIST that we have another child. I just tried to *convince* him, but I failed, so we're done. Bummer for me, but I can live with it. The process was the right one, and we made the right decision *for our family* even though it was not the one I would have made if it were just me making it.

 

So, I guess it all comes down to first establishing/negotiating a decision making PROCESS . . .

 

I.e., have a plan. . . such as. . .

 

+ Both of us depend on our financial wellbeing, so we have to both agree on major (you define) expenses, career change, house purchase, etc.

+ Dh decides about TV/cable/internet so long as dw still has access to wifi & high speed internet.

+ Wife cares more about house/decor, so she gets final say on paint colors, furniture, etc.

+ Dh has to actually be at his job 40+ hrs/wk, so he makes the decisions about work.

+ Dw is with the kids 40+ hrs/wk, so she makes most of the decisions wrt daily routine/discipline/activities.

+ Dw decides about clothes since she's the one who cares if they are wearing things that match.

+ Dh cares more about car, so he gets final say on cars.

+ Dh cares more about vacations. . .

++ etc.

 

We obviously don't have a formal plan as above, but in reality, that's what most of it boils down to. Frankly, we tend to shove decisions off on each other most of the time, as neither one of us wants the hassle of doing it ourselves and both of us respect each other's wisdom, opinions, and (shopping/budgeting) skills. (Us shopping for a new van last week was amusing as we played chicken to see who would get stuck making the decisions!)

[ciyates]

The issue is our 15 yr DS having a girlfriend and dating her. DH thinks it is okay. I don't. We are both pretty passionate on it. There is plenty of good research supporting both our sides.

 

I am normally the one who gives in. There are lots of things that we decide on our own. If DH says we need new gutters I am just as likely to reply we have gutters? If I say we need to invest in this mutual fund he says okay and goes back to replacing the gutters.

 

I just hear from some many people that they don't disagree on major decisions. We have been married 18 years and I can remember lots and lots of arguments. I love my DH and he is a great father. 90% of the time we agree or the other person doesn't have an opinion so they go along with it. How do we handle that 10% without the other feeling like they are not being heard or they are being vetoed. It is a feeling we both have have been feeling a lot lately.

[Aelwydd]

Stephanie, your marriage dynamics sound an awful lot like mine and dh's! We like to discuss, debate, pick ideas over, but argue? Not so much.

 

BTW, I LOL'd at your bit about the internet, and how it's all good so long as you have access. Priorities matter. :D

[Slartibartfast]

We have never had a huge issue where we could not compromise or talk the other into what we wanted. :)

 

We have both given in at one point or another.

[Aelwydd]

The issue is our 15 yr DS having a girlfriend and dating her. DH thinks it is okay. I don't. We are both pretty passionate on it. There is plenty of good research supporting both our sides.

 

So, the way I'd approach this is compromise. Your ds is only a few years from adulthood, so I don't think trying to cut him off from his gf will be productive, and will only cast you as the villain trying to stop True Love . Yes, that's dramatic, but that's how teens see things.

 

If this were me, and my dh was okay with it, I'd say, alright, I'll permit it with conditions. Then, I'd proceed to establish a set of rules determining when he can see her, under what conditions, and so forth.

 

If your ds or your dh protest, you take dh to the side and remind him you are already compromising by permitting the dating. Now, you are simply taking measures to try to protect your ds and his gf from any negative issues that may arise from the dating. Have your reasons prepared, and be firm, but reasonable when explaining.

[Geo]

So, the way I'd approach this is compromise. Your ds is only a few years from adulthood, so I don't think trying to cut him off from his gf will be productive, and will only cast you as the villain trying to stop True Love . Yes, that's dramatic, but that's how teens see things.

 

If this were me, and my dh was okay with it, I'd say, alright, I'll permit it with conditions. Then, I'd proceed to establish a set of rules determining when he can see her, under what conditions, and so forth.

 

If your ds or your dh protest, you take dh to the side and remind him you are already compromising by permitting the dating. Now, you are simply taking measures to try to protect your ds and his gf from any negative issues that may arise from the dating. Have your reasons prepared, and be firm, but reasonable when explaining.

 

:iagree:

Pretty much this to a "T". Warning, you and dh need to be careful not to take the roles of "good cop/bad cop".

 

Geo

[T'smom]

I think that for US that's the kind of situation where there have to be two 'yesses'. Although it shouldn't be impossible (difficult-yes, but not IMPOSSIBLE) to come to some sort of compromise. He can see her X times/week, he can only go on group dates, he can have her come over but can't have her in his room. I hope that you are able to work this out!

[silliness7]

How do you handle it when you disagree with each other and a decision has to be made? This isn't a debate and I hope the thread doesn't turn nasty. It is an honest question.

 

We have to make a decision. The decision won't go away. I have stated my opinion and I believe my DH has been opened and listened, seriously considered my side however he disagrees. I have given him the same courtesy and listened to his reasoning and I don't agree. Unfortunately the situation is a do or don't so there really isn't a compromise. This is a decision that affects us both equally. It has to do with raising our child so we are pretty much on level playing field as to who knows best.

 

Is the child male or female? Male child maybe go with dad. His intuition might be better here and vice versa. How old is the child? Can the child's opinion sway the decision? I have NO idea what the issue is. I can imagine some situations where that would not work but some where it would. Will one parent end up reaping the consequences of the worse decision or will one parent bear the brunt of implementing the decision? Is money involved? Is it wiser to pick the cheaper solution?

 

My dd wants to play the oboe VERY badly. I was really excited for her and was supportive and we came home to tell dad. Well, the oboe requires a commitment (from our band program) of $60 per month for lessons. I was hoping it would be possible. I was hoping hubby would maybe brainstorm some possible solutions. He nixed it right away. I was angry and disappointed initially but then started talking up my dd's 2nd choice to her. She's now getting excited about the trombone. I know, night and day instruments.

 

Sorry...that was a tangent.

 

Can you get outside, unbiased counsel from a friend? Write Dear Abby or Call Dr. Laura and go with what she said. Kidding. :lol:

[Parrothead]

So, the way I'd approach this is compromise. Your ds is only a few years from adulthood, so I don't think trying to cut him off from his gf will be productive, and will only cast you as the villain trying to stop True Love . Yes, that's dramatic, but that's how teens see things.

 

If this were me, and my dh was okay with it, I'd say, alright, I'll permit it with conditions. Then, I'd proceed to establish a set of rules determining when he can see her, under what conditions, and so forth.

 

If your ds or your dh protest, you take dh to the side and remind him you are already compromising by permitting the dating. Now, you are simply taking measures to try to protect your ds and his gf from any negative issues that may arise from the dating. Have your reasons prepared, and be firm, but reasonable when explaining.

:iagree: Can either of these kids drive? If not, how much real dating can they do? Make sure everything is chaperoned. And keep the lines of communication open. Talk to him, talk to the two of them. Invite her (and by extension the date) to spend as much time at your house under your supervision as possible.

 

The not "dating" or seeing each other is kind of closing the barn door after the horse got out. It kind of goes with the territory of having a special friend. And honestly you and your dh should have already talked about this kind of stuff so you could present a united front.

[silliness7]

So, the way I'd approach this is compromise. Your ds is only a few years from adulthood, so I don't think trying to cut him off from his gf will be productive, and will only cast you as the villain trying to stop True Love . Yes, that's dramatic, but that's how teens see things.

 

If this were me, and my dh was okay with it, I'd say, alright, I'll permit it with conditions. Then, I'd proceed to establish a set of rules determining when he can see her, under what conditions, and so forth.

 

If your ds or your dh protest, you take dh to the side and remind him you are already compromising by permitting the dating. Now, you are simply taking measures to try to protect your ds and his gf from any negative issues that may arise from the dating. Have your reasons prepared, and be firm, but reasonable when explaining.

 

:iagree: I see lots of compromise possible with this situation. Ds wants a relationship with a girl. Can you and dh draw up a plan as to what that would look like. For the record, I would be against the situation too. But if my dh was really digging in his heels, I wouldn't die on this hill. I would however want conditions enforced.

[redsquirrel]

In a situation where we are both passionate and both have good points we try to find a third way together. That has been very effective. Other times we have tried one solution first and agreed to try the other if specific conditions are met. Mostly, the person who is most effected in the day to day gets first dibs on any issues.

 

My husband and I are well matched and we generally try very hard to put the other person first so this doesn't happen very often.

[MyBlueLobsters]

So, the way I'd approach this is compromise. Your ds is only a few years from adulthood, so I don't think trying to cut him off from his gf will be productive, and will only cast you as the villain trying to stop True Love . Yes, that's dramatic, but that's how teens see things.

 

If this were me, and my dh was okay with it, I'd say, alright, I'll permit it with conditions. Then, I'd proceed to establish a set of rules determining when he can see her, under what conditions, and so forth.

 

If your ds or your dh protest, you take dh to the side and remind him you are already compromising by permitting the dating. Now, you are simply taking measures to try to protect your ds and his gf from any negative issues that may arise from the dating. Have your reasons prepared, and be firm, but reasonable when explaining.

:iagree:

[Veritaserum]

So, the way I'd approach this is compromise. Your ds is only a few years from adulthood, so I don't think trying to cut him off from his gf will be productive, and will only cast you as the villain trying to stop True Love . Yes, that's dramatic, but that's how teens see things.

 

If this were me, and my dh was okay with it, I'd say, alright, I'll permit it with conditions. Then, I'd proceed to establish a set of rules determining when he can see her, under what conditions, and so forth.

 

If your ds or your dh protest, you take dh to the side and remind him you are already compromising by permitting the dating. Now, you are simply taking measures to try to protect your ds and his gf from any negative issues that may arise from the dating. Have your reasons prepared, and be firm, but reasonable when explaining.

:iagree: Great advice. :)

[eternalknot]

The issue is our 15 yr DS having a girlfriend and dating her. DH thinks it is okay. I don't. We are both pretty passionate on it. There is plenty of good research supporting both our sides.

 

I just hear from some many people that they don't disagree on major decisions. We have been married 18 years and I can remember lots and lots of arguments. I love my DH and he is a great father. 90% of the time we agree or the other person doesn't have an opinion so they go along with it. How do we handle that 10% without the other feeling like they are not being heard or they are being vetoed. It is a feeling we both have have been feeling a lot lately.

 

This is an issue where I see room for an initial compromise, with an agreement to re-visit the situation upon set period of time OR if pre-determined factors come into play.

 

I understand you are against DS having a girlfriend. Can you examine what it is that you are most worried about or are against, and figure out how to address those within the parameters of allowing the relationship?

 

Since your husband is okay with DS having a girlfriend, could he examine how he might support your biggest concerns (whether he agrees with them or not) again - within the parameters of allowing the relationship?

 

Might both of you be willing to have a mental flow-chart sort of thing to refer back to, in allowing the relationship and following it's growth? For instance, would you waver on letting DS have a girlfriend if the next several dates involve family or chaperones? Would DH agree to asking DS to hold off on the girlfriend if the two teenagers were still permitted some contact with one another (phone, etc.)? Is anyone getting hung up on the semantics ("girlfriend") rather than looking at the relationship objectively in terms of it's actual level rather than what the kids are calling it?

 

In a situation like this, I'd examine which of us was looking at the issue without an eye on our specific situation. We all have ideals and morals that are important to us; we can't sacrifice our kids to the cause, though. Likewise, we can't offer our children upon the altar of re-living our own youth - as we remember it or as we wish it had gone. (I saw that a lot among the male parents of my teenage sister's friends.) Both people need to look at the specifics of the situation and go from there -- to take into account the child, the girlfriend, ... all of those details that make this a decision between two parents rather than between two opposing philosophies.

 

Good luck :grouphug:

[regentrude]

The issue is our 15 yr DS having a girlfriend and dating her. DH thinks it is okay. I don't. We are both pretty passionate on it. There is plenty of good research supporting both our sides.

.

 

I'd not make it one big issue - but make it several smaller ones on which possible compromise can be reached.

So instead of saying "No GF", you could establish rules under which conditions he can have contact with (female) friends (because I think it will be impossible to prohibit any contact with female humans):

only in groups, only chaperoned, on family outings, at church group, only in the family room, with only a parent in the house, not more than twice a week... whatever - and then negotiate these rules with DH to reach a compromise.

[NanceXToo]

It really depends on what it is. Usually, it just becomes apparent if somebody feels way MORE strongly about something than the other person does.

 

There have been times for both of us where we realized the other person was really serious and didn't have intentions of backing down and the other would give in, and vice versa. There are times where we find a way to compromise.

 

I see in your case you said it's about a 15 y/o dating. In that case, I think I would find a way to compromise, and I'd find a way to respect my teen's thoughts and feelings on the subject too (within reason), and I'd try to find a way that I could feel comfortable with something that's probably two against one at this point. Maybe I wouldn't feel comfortable with them doing ABC together but I could be okay with them doing DEF together. Something like that.

 

Good luck with resolving it!

[6packofun]

I agree to a point with some of the ways you could compromise on this, HOWEVER, I think I'd sit down with ds and dh and put some questions to your SON. Move this from the arena of you and dh talking *about* him and you talking TO him about his life.

 

Such as: If you feel that you're ready for a dating relationship, can you tell us why? What would you like this relationship to look like? What do you expect to be able to do and what are your responsibilities to yourself and this girl and to us, your parents?

 

Have a relaxed chat about it, not necessarily an interview. :D As a Christian, I'd be asking some further questions that you might not, but I think you could frame it in terms of how to date with integrity. How are you going to be a respectful boyfriend? What do you see as the boundaries for physical affection and what kinds of ways are you prepared to stay within those boundaries? Would you like accountability from us in any way for that?

 

That kind of stuff. :) Dh will get a good look at the maturity level of his son on the matter and maybe think about dating more than he has or in a different way. (Maybe not! lol) Perhaps your ds will see that dating, at least to you and dh, is more than he thought and it's better to have him be a thoughtful boyfriend/young man, than one simply going along with the crowd or going the dating route because he thinks it's just a natural and necessary step in his life as a 15yo. (Guess you can see I don't think that myself, ;) , but you get the idea! LOL)

[Cindyz]

Whoever is more passionate or feels more strongly about it "wins". Sometimes it's me. Sometimes it's him.

[Holly IN]

How do you handle it when you disagree with each other and a decision has to be made? This isn't a debate and I hope the thread doesn't turn nasty. It is an honest question.

 

.

 

Very touchy subject. If it is child related issue then I would say stall until both can reach a mutal decision. In our marriage, if a decision can't be made usually there is a stall or one will defer to the other. I have deferred to him as well as he has with me. (no score is kept either):D Anything to do with children issue then we try to reach a compromise if a decision can't be made or we stall and talk some more. I am lucky that my dh values my opinions. We always talk before any decisions. We keep each other informed about any purchases or issues that needs to be resolved.

Edited June 18, 2011 by Holly IN

[justamouse]

So, the way I'd approach this is compromise. Your ds is only a few years from adulthood, so I don't think trying to cut him off from his gf will be productive, and will only cast you as the villain trying to stop True Love . Yes, that's dramatic, but that's how teens see things.

 

If this were me, and my dh was okay with it, I'd say, alright, I'll permit it with conditions. Then, I'd proceed to establish a set of rules determining when he can see her, under what conditions, and so forth.

 

If your ds or your dh protest, you take dh to the side and remind him you are already compromising by permitting the dating. Now, you are simply taking measures to try to protect your ds and his gf from any negative issues that may arise from the dating. Have your reasons prepared, and be firm, but reasonable when explaining.

 

:iagree::iagree:

[YLVD]

How do you handle it when you disagree with each other and a decision has to be made? This isn't a debate and I hope the thread doesn't turn nasty. It is an honest question.

 

We have to make a decision. The decision won't go away. I have stated my opinion and I believe my DH has been opened and listened, seriously considered my side however he disagrees. I have given him the same courtesy and listened to his reasoning and I don't agree. Unfortunately the situation is a do or don't so there really isn't a compromise. This is a decision that affects us both equally. It has to do with raising our child so we are pretty much on level playing field as to who knows best.

 

I'm going to preface this by saying that the notion of submitting is as foreign to me as aliens. I will never understand one person making a decision based on their gender.

 

Anyways, we base it on expertise. That is harder when it comes to child stuff. There are still areas of parenting in which one of us has more information and experience with the child.

 

When it comes to general matters, it all boils down to expertise and experience. If anything, I end up making more decisions as he is really indecisive. We each have our own knowledge areas and that person makes the decision.

[Laura Corin]

The issue is our 15 yr DS having a girlfriend and dating her. DH thinks it is okay. I don't. We are both pretty passionate on it. There is plenty of good research supporting both our sides.

 

 

You give in by allowing the girlfriend; he gives in by following your strict rules about how it happens, in order to keep it within bounds that make you less concerned.

 

Laura

[Peela]

In a previous thread Joanne made a good point about parenting being the difference and the important bit.

People tend to take the no dating thing on because dating results in so many problems for so many kids, apparently- but they tend to look at the extreme cases or their own childhood.

I am not trying to say you should change your mind...I am just saying that if you do compromise and your ds gets to date- be assured that the fact you are watching and still involved as a parent is a huge thing and will make the world of difference to your son, and is not the same as throwing him to the wolves.

[nono]

Dating is totally NOT a yes/no question, so I don't see why it would come down to submission, unless someone is being bullheaded. Parents' guidance in this area can really make such a difference. Figure out what is important to you.

 

Do you want your child to wait until 16? That could be a condition. The compromise would be that the girl can visit your home as a friend, and make it clear that boyfriend/girlfriend labels and behaviors are not to be used until the condition of age is met.

 

Etc.

 

Read and reread 6pack's ideas above too. Good stuff!

 

P.S. I don't submit to my husband because I have just as much experience and education as he does. And, I'm a year older. :tongue_smilie:

[Onceuponatime]

I agree with the others that said talk to your son and set guidelines. When we went through this I asked my sons to describe what they thought a dating relationship meant. Then I explained what it meant to us as his parents, then I went into what it would likely mean to the girl. We discussed personal expectations, how the relationship would affect family dynamics, and boundaries that should not be crossed.

 

Here are some practical things that we do:

Dh and I do NOT finance a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, period. This sounds harsh, but it is entirely realistic. If they need money for an activity or a gift, they have to earn it or take it out of their own resources. This is the adult way relationships work and 15 is not too young to learn this.

 

Establish curfews. We have phone and computer curfews, besides times to be home. No communicating during school hours (assuming he is homeschooled).

 

Planned family time and activities trump the relationship, unless something has been negotiated in advance.

 

No last minute arrangements. At least 24 hour notice if transportation will be needed, and no tantrums if it is not possible for a parent to accomodate this need.

 

Understand that if something has to be kept secret from any parents, then it is not an acceptable activity.

 

The girl is welcome in our home.

[Holly IN]

Now that I had time to read....We were in this situation. hubby and I disagreed so the issue got stalled for a while. Hubby and I reached a reasonable compromise with ds.

 

He can date but we want to know her and her family. They will have a chaperone of their sibling. We talked to her parents. They agree. We also told him we do not want him to think he can date around. First see if the relationship(friendship) is worth taking it further. Right now he is in 2nd relationship that is getting serious. Both her parents and us are keeping an eye on them. They are not considered gf/bf yet but it is getting there. Both parents agree that dating around is not good. Neither is courtship. Friendship first then gf/bf then hopefully stay that way...

 

Holly

[Joanne]

Since the issue is dating, and I have fairly strong opinions on that topic myself, my advice would reflect opinions rather than how to solve a conflict.

[YLVD]

You give in by allowing the girlfriend; he gives in by following your strict rules about how it happens, in order to keep it within bounds that make you less concerned.

 

Laura

 

:iagree:

[foxbridgeacademy]

We've never had "it" come to that point, usually some defers to the other. But when it comes to the kids (well most things) I get the last say. I'm the one who'll take care of the problem, organize the solution. Also DH is very easy going and not at all "macho" I'm in charge type of person.