Can we talk about dating?

[ciyates]

The DS has a little girlfriend :svengo:. He is 15 1/2. The DH and I have always disagreed about this. He thinks it is fine for him to have a girlfriend and date. I feel he should wait until he is 35 and then let me pick out a nice girl for him. I am kidding... sorta. I did want him to be older. Around here you can't drive on your own until your are at least 17. So this would require that I go and pick her up or that her parents pick them up. DS has to provide the money to take her somewhere. They live 30 miles apart so they can't see each other that often. Plus I keep him as busy as possible (on purpose!). I have met the parents and they seem nice enough and we are planning a get together so we can get to know each other. I just feel this is to young.

 

How do you deal with this?

[Joanne]

My own words from other threads on the topic:

 

I've been trying to articulate my feelings on the dating issue. I created a spin off because this post moves well beyond the OP's intent.

 

I've been around, familiar with and observing the "courting" and "abstinence" and (conservative) Christian community's response to these issues for oh, about 10 years now.

 

"Courting" and the tone around dating issues has always made me uncomfortable. I think I can wrap words around why now.

 

One reason is I think the whole rhetoric that's developed around it is another representation of Christians making sexual sin a bigger deal than other sin. We seem to bring time, energy and focus to sexual sin (homosexuality, porn, sex out of wedlock......) that we do not to other sin.

 

I think that the "courtship movement" is cultish in some cases and definitely trendy in others.

 

I've observed several families who choose "no dating" for their older teens for reasons inspired by how they will look to others.

 

Many parents I've known who choose "not dating" or choose "courtship" have been too restrictive for the ages of their children.

 

I've noticed more legalism in the "no dating camp".

 

I do not see Biblical defense of it; I see and read a lot of *extra* Biblical dogma around it.

 

I see a denial of God given timing, process and biology. While I realize that our teens' habits and culture are influenced by our values and culture, I *also* think that its shaped by biology. The feelings of "want", or "lust" or the process of being infatuated with others is, IMO, organic. I do not believe God wants us to impose on our children "not going there" but to have equipped them to make good choices *while there*.

 

I agree that the issues of early/premature/premarital sex are pervasive, life long and serious. I think that honest and authentic discussion of those issues needs to begin - age appropriately - at very early ages.

 

I don't believe that parent imposed regulations on "dating" for older teens honor the emerging adult or equip the child/person to grow and mature.

 

I think the heady, wonderful, exciting feelings of young love are terrific! I don't think that avoiding them is the answer. I think *managing them* is the answer.

 

and

 

Response from a liberal (on this board) and moderate (in mainstream):

 

My kids are 16 next week, 14 and 12. They attend public high school and private school for the youngers.

 

Personally, I am *so* not a fan or advocate of "no dating" and "waiting until you are ready for marriage" before exploring companionship and the sexual energy.

 

When I was more traditionally Christian, I often thought about how Mary was 14! 15, tops, according to most documentation. I can't imagine telling my kids to wait until they are in their 20's. I don't believe in early marriage for Western culture - so I would not encourage that, either. I have evaluated the whole courtship thing (I see it as a continuum) as extra, extra biblical. It's not faith bound. It's Christian *culture* but certainly not doctrine.

 

I was personally creeped out, for example, that the first time the newly wed Duggars kissed was at the wedding.

 

So........when I notice or am told about the sexual energy welling up and my kids "liking" someone, we talk. A lot. With one of the situations my son was involved in, there was too much intensity, and drama. We talked, we communicated, I coached, I watched. I even worried. In the end, he ended it and guess what? He can identify drama, deal with drama, disengage and maintain health. I'd *rather* he have that life experience than not. I don't disallow hand holding, a hug. My oldest has kissed.

 

I don't "buy" that dating in the teens = practicing divorce. I don't buy that the sexual energy and desire for companionship and affliation is not Godly/unspiritual.

 

And, with all that liberal parenting, my kids are far, far, far less sexually accelerated than I was and have a healthier, more balanced perspective.

[ChristusG]

I'm in the "wait" camp. I just don't see the point of dating. In my opinion, it is for the purpose of looking for a husband/wife. A 15 year old is certainly not in the mindset of looking for a husband/wife. Dating and being alone together, for teens, just leads to more temptation than most can handle.

[Tarreymere]

If you live so far apart and the kids can't see each other without parental involvement, I don't think I would really consider it 'dating'. Sure, they are attracted to each other but it doesn't sound like you need to be concerned that any physical experimentation might go too far. I think this is a nice opportunity for both of these kids to explore what being in a relationship means.

[CalicoKat]

I'm in the "wait" camp. I just don't see the point of dating. In my opinion, it is for the purpose of looking for a husband/wife. A 15 year old is certainly not in the mindset of looking for a husband/wife. Dating and being alone together, for teens, just leads to more temptation than most can handle.

 

:iagree: I think maturity can be achieved too in encouraging working towards the goal of marriage by getting/ working on a career/college education, affording a car & insurance, and by thinking about the qualities & shared life's goals you'd want in a partner. There's more to marriage than physical intimacy.

[G5052]

If you live so far apart and the kids can't see each other without parental involvement, I don't think I would really consider it 'dating'. Sure, they are attracted to each other but it doesn't sound like you need to be concerned that any physical experimentation might go too far. I think this is a nice opportunity for both of these kids to explore what being in a relationship means.

 

I would be more concerned if it was an all-consuming-can't-spend-time-with-anyone-else relationship. Mine has only frustration with a few that follow him around with adoring looks, but if he wanted to spend time with a girl here and there and was responsible about it, I'd let him. I'd also talk through all of the issues of course, which we already have to some extent.

[the4Rs]

Though we have a long way to go until that point, my husband and I are in full agreement that we will encourage our kids to wait to date. Not that we will do courtship but just encourage them to wait. Most importantly I'd like to have a good enough relationship they can talk to either me or their dad about someone they like and help them work through those feelings.

 

I think teenagers miss so much during those years if they are too wrapped up with a particular person of the opposite sex. Usually to the exclusion of even their close friends. It's just not healthy. This is especially true for teen girls. They are so wrapped up in their boyfriends. And too much drama.

 

But we want to spend those early preteen and teen years training our kids how to look for a worthy person to attach themselves to. How to handle the drama. How to guard their hearts and their bodies. And to keep God first. If they keep Him first in their lives and can maintain a healthy dating relationship then we'd be supportive.

 

I believe for us it will be an ongoing dialogue and we may reevaluate as our kids grow and we see how they mature.

[Home'scool]

Personally, I am *so* not a fan or advocate of "no dating" and "waiting until you are ready for marriage" before exploring companionship and the sexual energy.

 

When I was more traditionally Christian, I often thought about how Mary was 14! 15, tops, according to most documentation. I can't imagine telling my kids to wait until they are in their 20's. I don't believe in early marriage for Western culture - so I would not encourage that, either. I have evaluated the whole courtship thing (I see it as a continuum) as extra, extra biblical. It's not faith bound. It's Christian *culture* but certainly not doctrine.

 

I was personally creeped out, for example, that the first time the newly wed Duggars kissed was at the wedding.

 

So........when I notice or am told about the sexual energy welling up and my kids "liking" someone, we talk. A lot. With one of the situations my son was involved in, there was too much intensity, and drama. We talked, we communicated, I coached, I watched. I even worried. In the end, he ended it and guess what? He can identify drama, deal with drama, disengage and maintain health. I'd *rather* he have that life experience than not. I don't disallow hand holding, a hug. My oldest has kissed.

 

I don't "buy" that dating in the teens = practicing divorce. I don't buy that the sexual energy and desire for companionship and affliation is not Godly/unspiritual.

 

And, with all that liberal parenting, my kids are far, far, far less sexually accelerated than I was and have a healthier, more balanced perspective.

:iagree:

 

and this

 

"Courting" and the tone around dating issues has always made me uncomfortable. I think I can wrap words around why now.

 

One reason is I think the whole rhetoric that's developed around it is another representation of Christians making sexual sin a bigger deal than other sin. We seem to bring time, energy and focus to sexual sin (homosexuality, porn, sex out of wedlock......) that we do not to other sin.

 

I think that the "courtship movement" is cultish in some cases and definitely trendy in others.

 

I've observed several families who choose "no dating" for their older teens for reasons inspired by how they will look to others.

 

Many parents I've known who choose "not dating" or choose "courtship" have been too restrictive for the ages of their children.

 

I've noticed more legalism in the "no dating camp".

 

I do not see Biblical defense of it; I see and read a lot of *extra* Biblical dogma around it.

 

I see a denial of God given timing, process and biology. While I realize that our teens' habits and culture are influenced by our values and culture, I *also* think that its shaped by biology. The feelings of "want", or "lust" or the process of being infatuated with others is, IMO, organic. I do not believe God wants us to impose on our children "not going there" but to have equipped them to make good choices *while there*.

 

I agree that the issues of early/premature/premarital sex are pervasive, life long and serious. I think that honest and authentic discussion of those issues needs to begin - age appropriately - at very early ages.

 

I don't believe that parent imposed regulations on "dating" for older teens honor the emerging adult or equip the child/person to grow and mature.

 

I think the heady, wonderful, exciting feelings of young love are terrific! I don't think that avoiding them is the answer. I think *managing them* is the answer.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Mrs Mungo]

I have posted this before, I will paste it here:

 

My aunt gave me some really good advice as a teen. She said to go out, have a good time, go on *lots* of dates, go to movies and out to dinner. But, don't continue dating someone that you wouldn't want to be married to. I went on lots and lots and lots of first, second and third dates. I discovered where I needed to set up boundaries. I discovered things about guys I would not have known in other circumstances (friends and dates are not the same thing).

 

I didn't date much in high school. Most of my dating was in college. I went on a *lot* of first dates that didn't go anywhere. I did not usually let guys pick me up, I met them there so that I had my own car. I was *very* glad of this at time.

 

I think figuring out who a guy is can be hard to do when doing something like "courting."

 

So far my eldest has only had the type of boyfriends where we did things as families or in groups.

[Margo out of lurking]

How do you deal with this?

 

We are somewhere in the "waiting" camp. If this were my dd, I would not be getting together with the parents unless my child were many years older and it were a serious relationship. With my teenager, I would not be doing anything special to promote more time together with the g/b friend. They obviously saw each other somewhere to decide they liked each other. I would do absolutely nothing to encourage spending time with each other. Like you, I'd make an effort to keep my child busy with other things. I'd happily let the relationship play out in other avenues, email, fb, phone and assume (hope) it won't last.

[Haiku]

The DS has a little girlfriend :svengo:.

 

How do you deal with this?

 

Nothing about the situation sounds worrisome. My dd 16 has a bf. I'm not thrilled with it but, as with your dh, mine sees nothing wrong with it. If the kids want to get together and spend time together, I don't see anything wrong with letting them (my dd's bf lives two blocks away, not 30 miles). The thing about "having a gf" is that you can only control access, not emotions or thoughts. You can discourage it if you want, but if you ds thinks of this girl as his gf, there is little you can do about it other than try to keep them apart, which isn't, imo, very respectful of your son. Even the "little girlfriend" line you used is somewhat belittling. Whether I choose for my dd to have a bf or not (and although my high school boyfriends were generally nice guys, I did waste a lot of time on them, as my parents had few restrictions on how much time I could spend with them), her feelings for this guy are real to her.

 

Tara

[ktgrok]

I think that waiting too long and putting an emphasis on the "the purpose is to look for a husband or wife" CAN cause more problems that it solves. There is a lot of talk that people are staying in relationships they shouldn't because they don't want to date too many people. They feel they have to marry the first person they date or they will seem to be going against the courtship idea.

 

I think dating also serves to help us figure out our relationship skills, learn to create boundaries, etc. I don't encourage casual serial dating, but if two people are attracted to each other and want to date I see no point in telling them they should pretend they don't feel that way. I DO think they need to be supervised.

[i.love.lucy]

I agree with Mrs Mungo and Joanne. I like the idea of respecting the emerging adult that I have worked to train to set their own boundaries. My parents didn't really discuss all this with me and I didn't really date at all in high school (I was chubby). The I had a summer of weight loss and hit college 2000 miles from home. I very much enjoyed the male attention!! It would have been better for me to have had some experience with guys and how to handle them.

 

I'd like my dd to wait to get "serious" because I know how far that heady, can't live without you, feeling can take you. I like the idea of lots of 1st or 2nd dates, keep it casual, enjoy lots of friends and fun social activities.

 

I too was creeped out by the way the Duggar's oldest was portrayed. I agree that much of that is completely extra-biblical. I believe though in putting everything through a biblical filter, and I just don't see allowing young-hormonal teens a lot of time alone as being biblical either. We are told to abstain from sexual immorality, and premarital sex is one. So we had better not place ourselves in a position where that is likely to happen.

[Wheres Toto]

I agree with Joanne, Ms. Mungo and Katie.

 

I think its important to teach your kids your values so they are ready when it comes time to date. I think that "courtship only" puts too much pressure on every single encounter. I think dating can give you a chance to see what you really want in a husband/wife and what you can't live with.

 

My dd dates. She doesn't put a lot of emphasis on dating, it's a social activity that lets her get to know someone better. She almost exclusively dates boys that she's been friends with first, usually goes out with a group by her own choice and doesn't feel like she HAS to have a boyfriend (which I do see in a lot of kids, especially girls, and think could lead to problems). Dating is a fairly small part of her life.

 

Part of my stance comes from the fact that I dated very little before marrying ex-h at 21. In hindsight, neither of us were ready to get married and I did not have enough experience to notice some real red flags in his behaviour. I think it's better to have some experience (not meaning s** here) with different people, some chance to live life outside of your parents influence, some education and financial independence before getting married.

[Night Elf]

My DH and I believe in dating. We see it as a healthy part of building relationships as well as building self-confidence and self-esteem. It is through the dating process that we figure out what kinds of relationship aspects we want in our lives long-term. It's learning how to get past that newbie part of a relationship where everything is seen through rose-colored glasses, to the actual relationship itself where the real work has to be done.

 

I don't mind driving my children to see friends or pick up their friends to come back to the house with us, and that includes dates. Of course, it was nice when dd19 reached the age where she started driving herself, but I'm prepared to do it with my other 2. It's part of my job as parent.

 

FWIW, I sort of understand how people think dating is only to look for a spouse, but I can't wrap my head around it completely. I envision a young adult announcing he/she will begin dating with the strict intention of getting married. Obviously, marriage would need to be discussed on the first date since if marriage didn't look like it could possibly happen, there would be no reason for a second date. And if someone did date someone for a while, hoping it would turn into a marriage, would they feel their time had been wasted if the relationship ended?

 

I guess it's something we should all consider when we think about what we want to say to our children. Honestly, if one of my children tell me that their girl/boy-friend was talking about the possibility of marriage and the relationship was still new, I would advise them to proceed VERY carefully. In fact, I would prefer them to walk away. That would be way too serious too fast for me!

[lovelaughs_times_three]

We have quite a way to go before we're faced with this (my 8yo still wants to marry me :)), but from my own experience and from observing other families, I think the right answer is . . . . it depends.

 

Honestly, I wish I didn't have the experiences I had at 13, 14, and 15. I was insecure, directionless, and (naturally) enormously enamored with male attention. Not a good foundation for meaningful self-assessment or positive relationships.

 

I don't think it's an age thing. It's a maturity thing. How is your relationship with him? Is he generally respectful to you and others? Does he have other interests? Does he have goals? These kinds of factors will weigh heavily when we start to navigate those waters.

 

I think I'm kind of in this camp. My oldest is 12, and while she has had several crushes, she hasn't been asked out on a date yet. It would be nice to have a SOLID, FIRM philosophy on dating. I wish I did. I thought I would by this time. I'm finding that I don't yet.

I'm hoping that I can take it one circumstance at a time. I'm hoping that, through prayer, and a lot of conversations with dd, that I will (or won't) feel a peace about her going out with this or that guy. I know this will be a more complicated approach. I know that there will be times that I won't feel good about something and it will frustrate her because "Mom! You let me go there with so-and-so".

I'd like to be a partner and a guide to her. Praying together about situations. Asking her to trust me (and ultimately God to over-ride me and change me when I'm wrong) when I don't have peace about something after we've prayed about it. I think I'd rather do it this way than pre-determine a hard, fast, set, unmoveable philosophy. BUT, I'm :lurk5: and :bigear: here with great interest. Maybe I will still be able to come to a philosophy I feel is right before I start to need it!! That would be nice!

I have asked my daughter to read the book "I Kissed Dating Goodby". I haven't read it before either. I thought we'd read it together and talk about what we like/agree with and what we don't like/disagree with.

 

That having been said.....I don't mind at all when my kids (at any age) get crushes or "like"someone else.

However, I don't like it when adults try to put labels on those feelings and tease/encourage young kids to think in terms of "boyfriend", "girlfriend" just because they think it's cute. My mother-in-law makes me crazy in this way. She takes my kids to her Civil War Reenactments. My dd6 ended up making a friend there that happened to be a boy. They danced together and had lots of fun. I think she really enjoyed this boy's friendship. BUT because my MIL thought it was cute, she keeps teasing my dd and talking about how that's her "boyfriend". She uses that voice (I can't figure out how to type it - so I hope you know what I mean) and says "Becca, I saw C laaaayton the other day! He assssked about you!" This bugs me because I see this as an adult planting a seed in a child's mind earlier than it would have developed on its own. I also see it as making it feel awkward for my children to have friends of the opposite sex. I really want them to enjoy those friendships and not have to feel weird or :blushing: by them.

I want to encourage the natural development of feelings/attractions in my children, not some kind of forced, pre-mature thing.

[datgh]

This is an interesting thread in that my DH and I have been attending seminars on parenting teens at our church and last night was all about dating. The gentleman teaching it has been a long time pastor of a good sized church but also has his doctorate in counseling and a lot of life experience in having razed a few teens who went on to happy, successful marriages. He made some good points about dating last night.

 

He discussed with us how the high school years should not be about exclusive relationships but about getting to know many members of the opposite sex so the kids can sort out what they would like or not like in a possible spouse. If they put all their eggs in one basket for a period of time they aren't going to learn much. High school should be a time of figuring out how to have many good, healthy relationships with friends. When kids finally marry, it should be to someone who is truly their best friend.

 

He also talked about how in the high school years it is all about infatuation and not about love. Love means the selfless giving of yourself for another. Love is not "if you love me you will have sex with me". If you really loved someone, you would never ask this of the other. Most teens haven't grasped this yet. Many lack the maturity. You should not fall in love but grow in love.

 

He sited a study that was done of which the results where quite eye opening. Whether you are a Christian or not after 300 hours in an exclusive relationship you will end up in bed. I bet when it comes to teens and hormones it probably doesn't take that long.

 

Our plan has always been to encourage group activities and limit dating and last nights lessons really reinforced this decision for us.

 

My lecture for the day.:001_smile:

[lovelaughs_times_three]

I have a question...how do you keep your kids from exclusive or long-term dating once you start letting them date? I mean, if they go out with someone 2 or 3 times and they just "LOVE" them, what do you do then? Do you pre-limit it? Do you tell them, right off the bat, that they can never go out with the same person more than 2 or 3 times? What if they are already all emotionally-entangled and can't stay away? Do you just hope that talking about it will overcome all those teenage hormonal emotions? I remember "falling in love" as a young girl. It's a pretty strong thing. After 2 or 3 dates with the same guy, I might already be hooked! I might have no interest in going out with anyone else, and I might start looking for ways to be with only that guy again.

How do you close Pandora's box? (I'm really asking. I'm not trying to play devil's advocate. I'm trying to work out how I feel about this, and I like this idea of keeping dating casual, I'm just not sure how it would work IRL.)

all :bigear: here!

[Peela]

I have not created a problem when there isn't one. Dating happens as it happens. I do not control it, but I do create boundaries around it, and I keep talking about it.

My teens have both been in bf/gf relationships. They have also ended them and neither are in a "relationship" at present. They are getting experience.

 

I have no moral basis on which to tell them not to date. I have a deep care for them that they are physically and emotionally safe and protected to a point, but I don't see it as my job to impose my values onto my kids to that extent. My job at this stage is to stay open, to drop judgement as much as possible, and to keep talking. Keep the communication flowing BOTH ways- lots of listening.

 

I really like what Joanne said about people making sex a bigger sin than other sins. I really don't relate to the huge, huge thing many people here make around the issue.

[lovelaughs_times_three]

I really like what Joanne said about people making sex a bigger sin than other sins. I really don't relate to the huge, huge thing many people here make around the issue.

 

I think the reason the reason other people make a bigger deal about sexual sins may come from their feeling about this verse:

 

I Corinthians 6:18

New Living Translation (NLT)

 

 

"18 Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body"

 

 

But I agree. I think sometimes people over-react to this sin and ignore the others.

[mmasmommy]

I agree with Night Elf. She said a lot of what I was thinking and unable to put into words.

 

As parents we have the best intentions but we can also shelter our children too much. One of the greatest gifts we can give out kids is open and honest communication. Make sure they know what your beliefs and expectations are. Model for them what it's like to be in a loving, caring relationship. Teach them the difference between right and wrong. Trust them, believe in them, let them make mistakes, and be there to pick them up from those mistakes. Most of all make sure they know you love them unconditionally.

Edited June 13, 2011 by mmasmommy

[LibraryLover]

I have not created a problem when there isn't one. Dating happens as it happens. I do not control it, but I do create boundaries around it, and I keep talking about it.

My teens have both been in bf/gf relationships. They have also ended them and neither are in a "relationship" at present. They are getting experience.

 

I have no moral basis on which to tell them not to date. I have a deep care for them that they are physically and emotionally safe and protected to a point, but I don't see it as my job to impose my values onto my kids to that extent. My job at this stage is to stay open, to drop judgement as much as possible, and to keep talking. Keep the communication flowing BOTH ways- lots of listening.

 

I really like what Joanne said about people making sex a bigger sin than other sins. I really don't relate to the huge, huge thing many people here make around the issue.

 

This is where I am.

[NicAnn]

I'm in the "wait" camp. I just don't see the point of dating. In my opinion, it is for the purpose of looking for a husband/wife. A 15 year old is certainly not in the mindset of looking for a husband/wife. Dating and being alone together, for teens, just leads to more temptation than most can handle.

 

I agree with this. I was an early (like 13-15) dater and got into some normal, kid trouble. BUT my experiences could have easily gone a different way. I'm still shocked that some of the decisions I made turned out ok.

I met my Dh at 18, when he was 21. I was the first girl he had dated (for religious reasons), and he says to this day he's happy with that decision. We have a wonderful relationship that most people I know don't have.

[Night Elf]

I have a question...how do you keep your kids from exclusive or long-term dating once you start letting them date?

 

I've been dealing with my dd19's dating issues for 5 years now. I try not to interfere because most of her 'boyfriends' have fizzled out after a month or two. My belief is that as long as she is actively involved with other things outside her relationship, she is okay. She dated one guy for almost a year. They were part of a group that always hung out together. They weren't so wrapped up in each other that they lost sight of everyone else. THAT is a red flag for me. She did get into one of those relationships, and that has been the one and only time I stepped in and intefered. It wasn't easy, but she thanked me later. And she learned 2 very important lessons about relationships that will serve her well. Trust is important to have, and there is no room for jealousy. (Which comes back to show my point of why I think dating is important.)

[LuvingLife]

I can't date until I am out of high school, I can be friends with guys no problem with that but my parents said nothing more while I am in high school. I agree with them though, I would like to at least finish high school before I start having a serious relationship with someone because there are just too many things that might happen. Besides I am doing too many things to even start dating anyways, I wouldn't have time for a boyfriend.

 

My cousin didn't date until she was out of high school and now she has the perfect husband at the age of 21, she just got married and is enjoying it. She waited for the right one and didn't go around dating guys just because her friends had boyfriends. I would say wait.:D

[Donna]

My ds is also 15 1/2 yo. I have set the rule that there is no one-on-one dating until 16yo. He is allowed to have girls to the house where they can spend time in a family area of the home...watch tv, play board or video games, or do something outside with the other kids. I would probably allow a group situation like movies but that hasn't come up.

 

I had to be 16yo to date growing up and I think it was a good age for me. I was mature enough to have goals and know what I wanted out of life. I wasn't swayed by pressures from boys or friends. I don't want my kids to have to make decisions they aren't ready for by allowing them to date younger. For me, it is a maturity issue.

[Ohdanigirl]

Hmmmmn It is interesting that this should come up now. Ds (12) just began showing interest in girls. He has been very open with us and even asks for advice. I have to admit, I was speechless when he told me he had a crush on a neighbor about two weeks ago. She is also older than he is. Yikes. I knew it was coming though. There is always a heard of girls following him around goggle eyed when ever we go to parties, malls, etc.

 

Dh and I have spoken with him repeatedly. We let him know that we expect him to be respectful towards all girls and their parents, take things slow, and just get to know each other. He is still very young. They walk around in front of the house and at the park with a group of friends. I see no "dating" in the near future. Maybe when he is a little older we will allow group outings. Double and single dating will come with maturity.

 

Although, I would love for my dc to wait on s3x, I do want them to get to know many different girls. I want them to know the difference between miss right and miss right now. I know there are a few people that say they never dated anyone but the person they married. Great! But, there are many times when this does not work out. As someone already mentioned, it is good to learn what you like/dis-like in a relationship. So many idealistic young people get married without really knowing themselves or the person they marry. I hope that the experience will bring growth to my dc.

 

Danielle

[lovelaughs_times_three]

I can't date until I am out of high school, I can be friends with guys no problem with that but my parents said nothing more while I am in high school. I agree with them though, I would like to at least finish high school before I start having a serious relationship with someone because there are just too many things that might happen. Besides I am doing too many things to even start dating anyways, I wouldn't have time for a boyfriend.

 

My cousin didn't date until she was out of high school and now she has the perfect husband at the age of 21, she just got married and is enjoying it. She waited for the right one and didn't go around dating guys just because her friends had boyfriends. I would say wait.:D

 

Hi, Luving Life!!! So cool to get your perspective!!! Thanks for sharing! :D

[lovelaughs_times_three]

I've been dealing with my dd19's dating issues for 5 years now. I try not to interfere because most of her 'boyfriends' have fizzled out after a month or two. My belief is that as long as she is actively involved with other things outside her relationship, she is okay. She dated one guy for almost a year. They were part of a group that always hung out together. They weren't so wrapped up in each other that they lost sight of everyone else. THAT is a red flag for me. She did get into one of those relationships, and that has been the one and only time I stepped in and intefered. It wasn't easy, but she thanked me later. And she learned 2 very important lessons about relationships that will serve her well. Trust is important to have, and there is no room for jealousy. (Which comes back to show my point of why I think dating is important.)

 

Ok! That makes sense. How did you "step in and interfere"? Did you tell her that she had to break up? Seems like that could get really messy and involve shouting! :smash: How did you handle it?

 

I like the idea of being more about setting boundaries on "how" they date (ie, keep busy with other areas of your life, spend time with other friends as well, group-dates, spend time with family) than on how many times they can date one guy. Just wonder, sometimes though, if it is all naive. I know my parents did not know the half of what I did. *sigh*

[Night Elf]

Ok! That makes sense. How did you "step in and interfere"? Did you tell her that she had to break up? Seems like that could get really messy and involve shouting! :smash: How did you handle it?

 

Well, yes, there was shouting. :D And it was the only time I ever took away her cell phone, and how I learned the hard way that you can still text someone over an itouch! I had to take that away too.

 

I told her I couldn't force her to break up with him, but that I could insist she make changes that I felt were necessary for her mental and physical health. Those changes were what broke up the relationship. He was extremely controlling. I made her get a part-time job which forced her into being around other people. He didn't like that. He didn't think it was necessary for her to talk with other people. He definitely did not like that she had guy friends. He got on her facebook and unfriended every single male, except for her father. I got on her facebook, changed her password and made her re-invite all of her friends. Basically, I pushed really hard for her to get involved with things outside that relationship and he broke up with her when he lost control. She is now very cautious about any single person that wants to place any such restrictions on her.

[butterflymommy]

I have discouraged my kids from dating for dating's sake since they were old enough to even vaguely understand the notion. I see it as too much of a danger, emotionally and physically, and too much of a distraction from their studies. I have gotten a LOT of flak for this from more liberal acquaintances and have been pretty mercilessly teased or outright shunned for it, but my feelings on this issue are strong. I don't have an exact age in mind for when dating is appropriate, but we've always emphasized that dating is not meant for recreation but rather finding a more serious, hopefully longterm/ permanent relationship.

 

That being said, if one of them does turn out to be hell bent on having boyfriends and sex by age 15, we're not going to disown her either. I am a pragmatist and will roll with the punches. Same for my son and girlfriends. Thankfully our teenagers show zero interest in sex or the opposite gender, so we might have an easy time of it.

[AvasMom]

I'm in the "wait" camp. I just don't see the point of dating. In my opinion, it is for the purpose of looking for a husband/wife. A 15 year old is certainly not in the mindset of looking for a husband/wife. Dating and being alone together, for teens, just leads to more temptation than most can handle.

 

:iagree: We believe in courtship and delaying as well. Not out of biblical doctrine but more philosophical. My kids need to be focused on their education right now and through their young adult years, not on dating games, boyfriends, "does he like me????", "why don't I have a boyfriend????", and all that nonsense. It's emotionally draining and stressful for the most part. When God sends them a spouse then that's when it will happen and His timing is perfect. There's just no need for them to have boyfriend/girlfriend/dating distractions until later. They have a lifetime of marriage and family but a precious few years to pursue their own interests and figure out who they are as individuals. It's difficult to do that when you are worried about impressing the opposite sex and getting noticed. Yuck.

[Haiku]

My cousin didn't date until she was out of high school and now she has the perfect husband at the age of 21, she just got married and is enjoying it. She waited for the right one and didn't go around dating guys just because her friends had boyfriends. I would say wait.:D

 

I got married to the perfect husband when I was 27, and I had dated many nice guys (and one stinker) previous to that. I really don't see how dating or not dating as a teen or young adult has anything to do with finding the right one. When the right one comes along, you know it, and I suspect that having dated or not in the past has nothing to do with it.

 

Tara

[lovelaughs_times_three]

Well, yes, there was shouting. :D And it was the only time I ever took away her cell phone, and how I learned the hard way that you can still text someone over an itouch! I had to take that away too.

 

I told her I couldn't force her to break up with him, but that I could insist she make changes that I felt were necessary for her mental and physical health. Those changes were what broke up the relationship. He was extremely controlling. I made her get a part-time job which forced her into being around other people. He didn't like that. He didn't think it was necessary for her to talk with other people. He definitely did not like that she had guy friends. He got on her facebook and unfriended every single male, except for her father. I got on her facebook, changed her password and made her re-invite all of her friends. Basically, I pushed really hard for her to get involved with things outside that relationship and he broke up with her when he lost control. She is now very cautious about any single person that wants to place any such restrictions on her.

 

Wow! Thanks for sharing!! That is sooo wise!!! :001_smile: I admire your approach! You didn't force her to break up, you just insisted she stay healthy! I am going to print this out and use it as a reminder for the day I need it. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your wisdom Night Elf!

[mmasmommy]

I got married to the perfect husband when I was 27, and I had dated many nice guys (and one stinker) previous to that. I really don't see how dating or not dating as a teen or young adult has anything to do with finding the right one. When the right one comes along, you know it, and I suspect that having dated or not in the past has nothing to do with it.

 

Tara

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

I couldn't agree with you more. As a matter of fact I'm happy that I dated prior to meeting DH. I had a great time with some great people and would be very sad to not have had those experiences.

[emeraldjoy]

well, yes, there was shouting. :d and it was the only time i ever took away her cell phone, and how i learned the hard way that you can still text someone over an itouch! I had to take that away too.

 

I told her i couldn't force her to break up with him, but that i could insist she make changes that i felt were necessary for her mental and physical health. Those changes were what broke up the relationship. He was extremely controlling. I made her get a part-time job which forced her into being around other people. He didn't like that. He didn't think it was necessary for her to talk with other people. He definitely did not like that she had guy friends. He got on her facebook and unfriended every single male, except for her father. I got on her facebook, changed her password and made her re-invite all of her friends. Basically, i pushed really hard for her to get involved with things outside that relationship and he broke up with her when he lost control. She is now very cautious about any single person that wants to place any such restrictions on her.

\

 

thanks for this....so, so much wisdom.

Just thanks.

E

[lovelaughs_times_three]

I have gotten a LOT of flak for this from more liberal acquaintances and have been pretty mercilessly teased or outright shunned for it, but my feelings on this issue are strong.

 

I'm sorry about this.:grouphug: I think it is wrong when we shun or berate others for their parenting choices. I truly believe that God gave your children to YOU because He knew you would raise those particular children they way they needed to be raised. I don't believe there is a perfect, cookie-cutter way to raise children and everyone needs to follow it. I believe each child is different and no one has the calling and wisdom to raise your children like you do. YOU are the perfect parent for raising your children. I like that you stick to how you feel and I'm sorry that others are not respecting that. :001_huh::glare:

[Night Elf]

Wow! Thanks for sharing!! That is sooo wise!!! :001_smile: I admire your approach! You didn't force her to break up, you just insisted she stay healthy! I am going to print this out and use it as a reminder for the day I need it. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your wisdom Night Elf!

 

Eek! Uh.. you're welcome? Nothing like a little pressure there! :lol:

 

FWIW, things changed when she turned 18. I could no longer just make decisions for her. That is why I am so very thankful she had that experience at a time when I was still very involved in her life. I shudder to think of a marriage to someone like that guy. He was really GOOD at manipulation. He had her believing it was all perfectly normal. If she had met him later, when I didn't hold as much sway in her life, I probably couldn't have done anything about it at all. So in that respect, I'm thankful for the timing. It certainly worked in our favor.

[6packofun]

There are all kinds of relationships that help people figure out...relationships. The difference between a dating relationship at 15 or 16 and a strong friendship is *what*? 1. Getting to say you're dating someone and fit in with peers who are also dating. 2. Feeling like you're able to do more physical stuff than you would with a friend.

 

I can't think of ANYTHING else, if you're going to throw out the find a spouse aspect, which we probably should for most teens. What can't you find out as friends (who know that you like one another in a deeper way than other friends) that you can as boyfriend-girlfriend? LOL You can watch how that person treats others, especially when you're in a group, you can see how they treat their parents and siblings, if they have a strong work ethic, if they like children, etc. Dating adds nothing to that except the pressure to go further physically with some sort of vague "commitment". Now, I'm talking about the 18 and under crowd. I think dating for adults is different.

 

I've asked my married women friends if ANY of them wish they'd dated MORE in their teen and young adult years and not one of them said they did. Quite a few, including myself, wish we'd dated *less*. There are teens who *are* ready to look for a spouse in their teens, of course, but there are plenty of teens and parents of teens who THINK they're ready and they're most likely not.

 

I say what's the rush? As a Christian, too, I hope that my daughters especially are more concerned with where they think God is taking them in life whether or NOT (and I almost hope NOT, right away) it's towards marriage! Maybe it's selfish, but I hope my girls have plenty of time to live with a purpose that's just between them and God and not them, God and a husband. Freedom is a nice thing when you're young and learning about life! Not to disparage marriage at all...I think many of the ladies here know what I mean. :)

[Haiku]

The difference between a dating relationship at 15 or 16 and a strong friendship is *what*? 1. Getting to say you're dating someone and fit in with peers who are also dating. 2. Feeling like you're able to do more physical stuff than you would with a friend.

 

 

That wasn't my experience, in any way, with my first boyfriend. I dated him from the time I was 15 1/2 until I was 17 1/2. I didn't date him to fit in. I dated him because I found him interesting and attractive, and I grew to love him. I know that many people minimize the love feelings of teenagers, but I do wholeheartedly believe that teenagers can love one another and want to be with each other, just like adults. My first boyfriend and I are friends to this day.

 

Tara

Edited June 13, 2011 by TaraTheLiberator

[Hunter's Moon]

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years and it will be 4 in October.

 

Yes, that means I started dating him when I was newly 14.

 

My parents never really placed any regulations on dating. I got my first cell phone at 13, my texts weren't monitored, and neither was my social networking. My sister, completely different. She had a new boyfriend monthly (sometimes bi-weekly). I never had the urge to "have" a boyfriend. I had some crushes, some *major* crushes. One boy I "dated" I was really infatuated with. After a few months of "on again, off again", I learned he was only dating me to make another girl jealous. That ended quickly.

 

My boyfriend now, he was best friends with my sister in middle school (she is 16 months older than I) and they still are friends. I met him a few times at football games I attended with her when she was in 9th and 10th grade, we started chatting online, and we just clicked. I admit, most of out first year was through texting and IM'ing. But we still considered it bf/gf and exclusive and my parents never said anything about it.

 

We aren't the inseparable couple that is all over each other in public and see no one else. I've made decisions I felt badly about (deciding to go out with him than stick to plans with friends) but over time, it evened out and my friends thankfully, forgave me.

 

All of this to say, my parents let maturity play a role when it came to dating. Sure, I probably could have matured more before beginning to date my boyfriend, but we've both matured together and that's helped our relationship. He's respectful of his mother and others. He cares greatly for his grandmother and helps to care for her. He cares greatly for his brother, and helps to care for him too (SN). Over the years we've both watched each other grow in our lives and relationships with others and that has helped us both see each other on newer, deeper levels. That is what attracts me to him and continues to.

 

I know many people still think after 3 1/2 years we aren't serious because we are teens. I think this mindset fuels some of the feelings that teens go through with dating. My parents have never discounted my feelings about my boyfriend. They've never tried to belittle them, and that has helped me to stay open with them for the most part about it. They both know if we're still together when we graduate college we plan to marry, and they have no problem with that. They respect the way I went about it and continue to. My mom is even making plans for grandbabies :tongue_smilie: (not now, in our 20s). If my parents ever belittled my feelings because of my age, I would automatically shut them out. My parents have both told me stories of their younger love lives and that has helped us, also.

Edited June 13, 2011 by BeatleMania

[6packofun]

I don't dismiss the love feelings of anyone. :confused: That's great that you ended up loving someone (that you didn't marry, I assume?) but that doesn't make dating necessary. We have all sorts of legitimate feelings as human beings and children of God, IMO, but we don't need to act upon them all. I dunno. I guess I just don't see that dating has to be an outlet for emotions when one is still so young. Not dating doesn't squelch true emotions, either.

 

We aren't an anti-dating family, per se. We've never told our kids they *can't* date. Our kids are close to us, we've all talked about this many times and they just happen to agree with our thoughts and logic on it. If they didn't, they would probably ask permission to date (not just go ahead and take that step without asking us for advice) and we'd give it to them after we discussed (again) how one can date with integrity and purpose. 'Nother topic! LOL

[MrsBasil]

There are all kinds of relationships that help people figure out...relationships. The difference between a dating relationship at 15 or 16 and a strong friendship is *what*? 1. Getting to say you're dating someone and fit in with peers who are also dating. 2. Feeling like you're able to do more physical stuff than you would with a friend.

 

 

I don't know if I agree with that. I met the only guy I ever really dated when I was a teenager, we've been married for almost 8 years and together for 12 now.

 

However, my best friends in high school were both guys. There was completely different relationship(not just physical) with my boyfriend then there was with my friends.

 

My kid is too young for me to take part in the rest of this conversation. :D

[Joanne]

I have discouraged my kids from dating for dating's sake since they were old enough to even vaguely understand the notion. I see it as too much of a danger, emotionally and physically, and too much of a distraction from their studies. I have gotten a LOT of flak for this from more liberal acquaintances and have been pretty mercilessly teased or outright shunned for it, but my feelings on this issue are strong. I don't have an exact age in mind for when dating is appropriate, but we've always emphasized that dating is not meant for recreation but rather finding a more serious, hopefully longterm/ permanent relationship.

 

That being said, if one of them does turn out to be hell bent on having boyfriends and sex by age 15, we're not going to disown her either. I am a pragmatist and will roll with the punches. Same for my son and girlfriends. Thankfully our teenagers show zero interest in sex or the opposite gender, so we might have an easy time of it.

 

This is a false dichotomy. The choices aren't restricted/forbidden OR promiscuity.

[rlugbill]

I told my dd (13), only group dating until 18. She isn't really interested at this point. And group dating seems to be a compromise between no dating on one hand, and whatever you want on the other.

 

I do have an exception to this rule though. If she can 1. memorize the Sermon on the Mount and 2. run a marathon, she can date one-on-one at 16. This is so, if she can show the maturity and perseverance needed for a relationship, she can date at an earlier age.

 

And I can say it's not forbidden, just she has to jump through some hoops to do it. That way, she can just start training and memorizing, rather than just being mad at me and we remain stuck.

 

In many other countries, this is how teen dating is done- in groups, rather than one-on-one. It is safer, since there is always someone else around other than the guy.

 

Many boys are just not that mature at that age and may do inappropriate things because of their immaturity. Just seems safer to have other people along.

 

I don't mean a chaperone- just a group of friends who are there, so she isn't all alone with one guy all the time. I think it's actually more fun with a group anyway. Less pressure- more fun.

[6packofun]

Of course the *feelings* are different, in all kinds of relationships. And yet I still hold to the idea that dating as we know it isn't a necessary state for younger relationships. (It's more of a social construct and, usually, peer-driven, IMO. It just gives a level of validity to increasing physical contact; and I'm not against hugs or hand-holding, but know it's a slippery slope with the natural hormonal stuff going on...and yet, again, we are not required to act upon every impulse.)

[JennyD]

This is such an interesting thread. My children are still very young, so this issue is not on our agenda yet. However, my DH's parents flatly prohibited him from dating in high school -- not for religious reasons, but because his father felt that it was an unnecessary distraction from his schoolwork -- and they weren't too pleased with him dating in college, either. DH still thinks that his parents were completely wrong about this and that he should have been allowed to date, but he's never been able to fully articulate why. This conversation has given me some useful insight.

 

Night Elf, impressive parenting job there, if you don't mind my saying so. Your girl is so lucky to have you looking out for her.

[Susan in TX]

I think teenagers miss so much during those years if they are too wrapped up with a particular person of the opposite sex. Usually to the exclusion of even their close friends. It's just not healthy. This is especially true for teen girls. They are so wrapped up in their boyfriends. And too much drama.

 

:iagree:

 

Our rule is no dating until you are 18. So far, my teens have observed the drama that their friends have gone through and they agree with our rule. Boy/girl relationships are just too distracting at that age.

 

We do allow socialisation with the opposite sex. But it has to be in a group.

So far this has worked out very well.

 

Susan in TX

[Wendi]

I understand your feelings, as I'd prefer my son wait until he's older than 15 1/2, too. But if the parents are involved and supervising, it might be fine.

 

It's kind of funny; my son is part of a group of about a dozen or so kids (ages 14-18). They hang out together, eat lunch together at co-op, have parties at each others' houses (we just hosted a pool party this weekend). There are both boys and girls in the group. There has been a bit of a controversy among them lately because one boy and girl have formed a couple. The rest seem to think there should be a "no dating" rule. :001_smile: It messes things up.

 

Wendi

[Joanne]

Originally Posted by the4Rs

I think teenagers miss so much during those years if they are too wrapped up with a particular person of the opposite sex. Usually to the exclusion of even their close friends. It's just not healthy. This is especially true for teen girls. They are so wrapped up in their boyfriends. And too much drama.

 

Yes, I've seen that. But that is not what happens when an engaged, intentional, involved parent is supervising, partnering, and working with the child. A parent who is intentionally aware of what is going on is going to put limits on the vehicles through which drama can develop, on the amount of time spent obsessing, and cultivate a moderated tone.

 

I've seen several posters in this thread who regret early and deep involvement. I'm guessing that many people who feel that way weren't *parented intentionally* during those early dating years.