Kipling Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 We received an invitation to an engagement party with the note "No gifts, please. A money tree will be available if you would like to give cash or gift cards." Is this tacky? Or normal? I don't think the couple is registered anywhere, as the wedding is still one year away. Am I obligated to bring cash or gift card, or can I just give them a nice congratulations card for the engagement (I will get them a wedding gift at the appropriate time)? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 :banghead: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snickerdoodle Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Yes, because there seems to be a contradiction between "no gifts, please" and "there will be a money tree". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Tacky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gracily Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 :banghead: :iagree: Either they should have left it at no gifts please or not mentioned anything about gifts on the invitation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3lilreds in NC Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Well, they did say, no gifts and if you WANT to give money you can. It's probably tacky, but you should not feel obligated to give them anything. I'd probably bring a card and call it good. We did have an engagement party, I think, and we did receive gifts. It would never have occurred to me to tell people to just bring money. :confused: I suppose it's a sign of the times, but not a very nice one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Yes, tacky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 tacky! bleah! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess Peach Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Since when is money not a gift? Yeah, tacky, indeed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 What is the ethnicity of the families? It's normal to give cash at Chinese weddings. Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenNC Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 I agree that "no gifts" should be "no gifts" not "we don't want another crockpot, but do give us money." So, either mention no gifts or don't and risk the crockpot. It still doesn't hit quite the same level that the dollar dance at wedding receptions does for me, however. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissKNG Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Tacky and I thought the gifts (monetary or not) were given at the bridal shower, not the engagement party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tearose Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Very tacky to dictate what kinds of gifts people should give, even if it's a cultural norm to give money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 What is the ethnicity of the families? It's normal to give cash at Chinese weddings. Laura This is just the engagement party, and the wedding is a year away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Tacky. I'm so behind the times that I never had an 'engagement' party. Weddings are getting to be all for show, it seems. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 yeah the no gift thing/ but....sounds strange--but I wouldn't take it mandatory to HAVE to put money on the tree to be there.....just me... one of my neices had a money tree thingie at her wedding--not sure how she announced it or anything--but it was just a "give if you want-it's not expected" kind of thing LOL if that makes sense....think they used it toward the honeymoon? lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gratia271 Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Poor form. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RecumbentHeart Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Being extremely practical I don't see anything wrong with it. In fact, I love it. I would prefer to give money that they can spend in a way that is best for them rather than us all going through the ordeal of a registry which seems to me an utter waste of time. Let them go shopping one time and do the buying themselves. It also causes needless work for everyone to have to deal with gifts that aren't needed/wanted. I figure either don't give, or give something that will certainly be wanted and useful. It should be about the couple, not the gift giver. I don't personally know anyone that has written this kind of thing on their invites that wasn't primary trying to communicate - don't buy gifts. That being said ... an engagement party? I've never heard of this kind of thing for an engagement party. A wedding shower, yes -- but an engagement party?? Actually I lied, I have ... and that wedding never came to pass. I'm reminded of a saying, "There is many a slip between the cup and the lip." I'd save my money and give it as a wedding gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brilliant Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 So how many gifts are there for a marriage these days? The engagement party, the shower(s), and the wedding?? :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 It's tacky. It's not quite as tacky as the recent wedding I went to where the night before, the groom and bride's friend called everyone up saying that the bride had been kidnapped and they needed to raise $1000 ransom money,* and then they had a money tree at the reception the next day! And everyone was already giving them money and helping with the event because we all knew they were broke! But yep, it's still tacky. *Thus severely startling my husband, and scaring some teenaged babysitters out of their gourds... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 That being said ... an engagement party? I've never heard of this kind of thing for an engagement party. A wedding shower, yes -- but an engagement party?? Actually I lied, I have ... and that wedding never came to pass. I've heard of women getting together with a few friends for dinner to celebrate an engagement informally, but an actual party, where you're expected to give gifts? Is this in addition to the gifts for the bridal shower and the wedding itself? What's next, we're-home-from-our-honeymoon parties? I'm rather glad my circle of friends is small. I don't think I could afford any more once they start getting married and having children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snickerdoodle Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 It's not quite as tacky as the recent wedding I went to where the night before, the groom and bride's friend called everyone up saying that the bride had been kidnapped and they needed to raise $1000 ransom money,* and then they had a money tree at the reception the next day! How embarrassing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 I don't think it is tacky. Gift registries are okay, but stating other preferences aren't? I would rather bring cash if that is what would help the couple out the most. I am so sick and tired of rules surrounding politeness. Why can't everyone just think the best of other people? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kipling Posted April 19, 2011 Author Share Posted April 19, 2011 What is the ethnicity of the families? It's normal to give cash at Chinese weddings. Laura It's for my cousin who is definitely not Chinese Tacky. So glad I'm not the only one to think this. So how many gifts are there for a marriage these days? The engagement party, the shower(s), and the wedding?? :confused: That's what gets me! I have no problem with the engagement party as a way to celebrate with the newly engaged couple. And I will gladly get them a wedding gift and a shower gift at the appropriate time. But for the engagement? The wedding is a year away. It seems to me like the money tree is a way to raise money to fund the wedding. And that seems tacky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kipling Posted April 19, 2011 Author Share Posted April 19, 2011 It's not quite as tacky as the recent wedding I went to where the night before, the groom and bride's friend called everyone up saying that the bride had been kidnapped and they needed to raise $1000 ransom money,* and then they had a money tree at the reception the next day! How horrible! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 I don't understand the no gifts things. My kids got invited to a birthday party recently that said no gifts. I thought it was weird. I mean, that's a traditional part of a birthday party! But I just got her a cute card and that's it. Then when we got to the party a bunch of people had ignored the "no gifts" request and brought gifts anyway! So I felt stupid. Was it on there just to make people feel that they weren't obligated? Did the parents genuinely not want their child to get gifts? (I understand kids having too much STUFF.) But during the party they actually had the kid sit down and open her gifts. And these weren't just from family either. :confused: I felt bad for not bringing a gift and wished I had at least thrown a Barnes and Noble gift card or something in my birthday card. So yeah, the no gift thing annoys me. I don't know how to react to it and it honestly kind of seems rude. There are times in your life when it's appropriate to receive gifts and I feel like saying that you'd rather have money means that you don't trust the person to buy you something you'd like and you don't value the time, effort and love that people put into gifts. Tacky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 TACKY! It's also the reason I do not like the "apron dance" tradition I've seen at some weddings; especially since the bride/groom are not poor kids just starting out without a penny. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 It's tacky. It's not quite as tacky as the recent wedding I went to where the night before, the groom and bride's friend called everyone up saying that the bride had been kidnapped and they needed to raise $1000 ransom money,* and then they had a money tree at the reception the next day! And everyone was already giving them money and helping with the event because we all knew they were broke! But yep, it's still tacky. *Thus severely startling my husband, and scaring some teenaged babysitters out of their gourds... :svengo: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4everHis Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 This is just the engagement party, and the wedding is a year away. When did you start getting gifts/money for getting engaged??? I missed something somewhere. . . . :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4everHis Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 I've heard of women getting together with a few friends for dinner to celebrate an engagement informally, but an actual party, where you're expected to give gifts? Is this in addition to the gifts for the bridal shower and the wedding itself? What's next, we're-home-from-our-honeymoon parties? I'm rather glad my circle of friends is small. I don't think I could afford any more once they start getting married and having children. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RecumbentHeart Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 I don't think it is tacky. Gift registries are okay, but stating other preferences aren't? I would rather bring cash if that is what would help the couple out the most. I am so sick and tired of rules surrounding politeness. Why can't everyone just think the best of other people? :iagree: I like you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 I don't think it is tacky. Gift registries are okay, but stating other preferences aren't? I would rather bring cash if that is what would help the couple out the most. I am so sick and tired of rules surrounding politeness. Why can't everyone just think the best of other people? Gift registries do not dictate that the person must choose one of these things or bring a gift at all. I love gift registries. Then I can choose my gift quickly and easily and know it is something I want or need. "Cash or gift cards only" is rude. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 I don't think it is tacky to recommend money instead of a gift. I guess I have never heard of an engagement party that there were gifts but around here there is normally an engagement announcement and then wedding showers etc. I don't see where the recommendation of money is any different than having a registration at certain stores. If you planned on taking them something it would cost some money so just give that instead. JMO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RecumbentHeart Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 I don't understand the no gifts things. My kids got invited to a birthday party recently that said no gifts. I thought it was weird. I mean, that's a traditional part of a birthday party! But I just got her a cute card and that's it. Then when we got to the party a bunch of people had ignored the "no gifts" request and brought gifts anyway! So I felt stupid. Was it on there just to make people feel that they weren't obligated? Did the parents genuinely not want their child to get gifts? (I understand kids having too much STUFF.) But during the party they actually had the kid sit down and open her gifts. And these weren't just from family either. :confused: I felt bad for not bringing a gift and wished I had at least thrown a Barnes and Noble gift card or something in my birthday card. So yeah, the no gift thing annoys me. I don't know how to react to it and it honestly kind of seems rude. Really? I absolutely meant to request no gifts when we last had a party and will certainly do so if we have another. The party was about our children getting together with a group of their friends for a good time in a way/place they normally wouldn't as a special treat for all - NOT to obligate people to spend money on our children buying junk I'm going to have to toss in the weeks to come because we have no room for it and I have enough to do without picking up pieces of Mr Potato head from around my house until the last piece finally disappears into the void forever. It meant so much more to the children to have their friends present than to have the gifts and it seems to be part of this whole impractical tradition to give gifts even if you can't make it to the party which is nice in spirit and all but really - we want to enjoy people, not things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 I don't think it is tacky to recommend money instead of a gift. I guess I have never heard of an engagement party that there were gifts but around here there is normally an engagement announcement and then wedding showers etc.I don't see where the recommendation of money is any different than having a registration at certain stores. If you planned on taking them something it would cost some money so just give that instead. JMO Cash-only does present problems for those who tend to give nice, homemade gifts. I used to work with a woman who would crochet beautiful blankets for things like weddings and showers. When the couple in question only wants cash, that doesn't leave many options for people who are broke but like to give homemade gifts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 (edited) tacky. I find this irritating. I've never heard of an engagement party before! I can understand throwing a party to celebrate with family and friends, but then to expect gifts and money, too? Then more for the shower and again for the wedding? I think things have gotten out of control. I'm not a cheap person by any means, I just find this........ tacky. Edited April 19, 2011 by Denisemomof4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Cash-only does present problems for those who tend to give nice, homemade gifts. I used to work with a woman who would crochet beautiful blankets for things like weddings and showers. When the couple in question only wants cash, that doesn't leave many options for people who are broke but like to give homemade gifts. :iagree: my sister once commented on the tacky homemade gift her friend gave her rather than spending the money to go BUY her a gift. :001_huh: I thought the gift was very nice (I can't remember what it was but I remember liking it!) and thought my sister was so ungrateful and rude, not acknowledging all the time the woman put into making it for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Really? I absolutely meant to request no gifts when we last had a party and will certainly do so if we have another. The party was about our children getting together with a group of their friends for a good time in a way/place they normally wouldn't as a special treat for all - NOT to obligate people to spend money on our children buying junk I'm going to have to toss in the weeks to come because we have no room for it and I have enough to do without picking up pieces of Mr Potato head from around my house until the last piece finally disappears into the void forever. It meant so much more to the children to have their friends present than to have the gifts and it seems to be part of this whole impractical tradition to give gifts even if you can't make it to the party which is nice in spirit and all but really - we want to enjoy people, not things. :iagree: I love parties that say bring a gift to donate to a needy child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gracily Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Gift registries are okay, but stating other preferences aren't? I don't see where the recommendation of money is any different than having a registration at certain stores. Mentioning a gift registry on an invitation is just as tacky as a saying money only. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
May Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Tacky, to say the least. Are so many people totally without class these days? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RecumbentHeart Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Gift registries do not dictate that the person must choose one of these things or bring a gift at all. And this is why I despise registries. I was almost harassed into creating them when I was pregnant with my first and so I went through the whole ordeal of doing so only to have the people who insisted on it the most NOT use it! Then we had to go through the additional ordeal of all the returns so we could get the money we needed to buy the stuff we DID need that wasn't bought from the registry they'd bullied me into creating. I'm not alone in this experience - I know that for a fact. Yet this impractical tradition persists. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RecumbentHeart Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Cash-only does present problems for those who tend to give nice, homemade gifts. I used to work with a woman who would crochet beautiful blankets for things like weddings and showers. When the couple in question only wants cash, that doesn't leave many options for people who are broke but like to give homemade gifts. :lol: I was actually wanting to put "cash or home-made gifts only please" (not in an obligating way but in the spirit of "if you really insist") on my subsequent invites. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 I have noticed that most people buy cute gifts instead of gifts that will actually help the person the shower is being thrown for. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RecumbentHeart Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Mentioning a gift registry on an invitation is just as tacky as a saying money only. Ok, now my hypocrisy is revealed. :lol: I *do* internally cringe when I see the registry mentioned on the invites. That is standard practice though, it seems. Honestly, I'd much prefer to give money if only because I don't want to know just what they're spending it on. There is too much temptation with a registry to be all, "WHAT? A $30 butter tray!? Are these people out of their minds!!?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 I don't think it is tacky. Gift registries are okay, but stating other preferences aren't? I would rather bring cash if that is what would help the couple out the most. I am so sick and tired of rules surrounding politeness. Why can't everyone just think the best of other people? I do believe it was tacky, BUT I think the best thing to do in these situations to graciously avoid the gathering or graciously comply with the request. And not discuss it with others. (I realize discussing it here on this anonymous forum is not the same thing as discussing it with IRL friends and family) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Impolite. Also, for the registry argument--yes, registries are also impolite. Ick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Ok, now my hypocrisy is revealed. :lol: I *do* internally cringe when I see the registry mentioned on the invites. That is standard practice though, it seems. Honestly, I'd much prefer to give money if only because I don't want to know just what they're spending it on. There is too much temptation with a registry to be all, "WHAT? A $30 butter tray!? Are these people out of their minds!!?" If I use a registry suggestion, I only buy something I would buy without the registry. My mom is so opposed to registries that we (our friends and family) rarely tell her that someone has registered. It actually ruins it for her. If she buys something NOT on the registry she becomes convinced they won't like it anyway, so why did she bother...and if she buys from the registry she is so resentful she feels terrible! I try to tell her that registries are just suggestions for people who might not have a clue what is needed/wanted. My mom is also known for not buying things that she wouldn't buy for herself. Myself, I like to buy gifts that I know the other person could not afford or something I know they REALLY have been wanting. And if I'm honest I like those kinds of gifts bought for me. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RecumbentHeart Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 If I use a registry suggestion, I only buy something I would buy without the registry. My mom is so opposed to registries that we (our friends and family) rarely tell her that someone has registered. It actually ruins it for her. If she buys something NOT on the registry she becomes convinced they won't like it anyway, so why did she bother...and if she buys from the registry she is so resentful she feels terrible! I try to tell her that registries are just suggestions for people who might not have a clue what is needed/wanted. My mom is also known for not buying things that she wouldn't buy for herself. Myself, I like to buy gifts that I know the other person could not afford or something I know they REALLY have been wanting. And if I'm honest I like those kinds of gifts bought for me. :glare: This is fair practice. But if that's what registries are, just suggestions, I wish someone had told me so before I went to the trouble. If what was wanted was a suggestion, I could have made that easy for us both. :D Most people I know these days actually just ask what is needed and then pressure me into coming up with something whether anything is needed or not. Thankfully my friends are more graceful than me (on the one hand) and many of y'all (on the other) - no offense intended. :lol: Living in the south is quite a lesson in "politeness" for me and I have SO MUCH to learn still. :lol: Please forgive me - I'm a work in progress. :blush: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 This is fair practice. But if that's what registries are, just suggestions, I wish someone had told me so before I went to the trouble. Oh, wait...I believe MANY people register so as to get ONLY what they EXACTLY want. We jus tell my mom it is a 'suggestion' to try to keep her from bustin' a gut. :tongue_smilie: If what was wanted was a suggestion, I could have made that easy for us both. :D Most people I know these days actually just ask what is needed and then pressure me into coming up with something whether anything is needed or not. Thankfully my friends are more graceful than me (on the one hand) and many of y'all (on the other) - no offense intended. :lol: Living in the south is quite a lesson in "politeness" for me and I have SO MUCH to learn still. :lol: Yes The South is a different kind of place...you are doing fine I'm sure. Allowances are usually made for transplants. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RecumbentHeart Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Oh, wait...I believe MANY people register so as to get ONLY what they EXACTLY want. We jus tell my mom it is a 'suggestion' to try to keep her from bustin' a gut. :tongue_smilie: Yes The South is a different kind of place...you are doing fine I'm sure. Allowances are usually made for transplants. ;) Hopefully those allowances are getting me off the hook for all the thank-you cards I haven't sent. :lol: I just don't get why the verbal one (or 3 .. usually everyone says it a few times) isn't enough but from what I can tell by all the cards we get for the oddest things, it's not. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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