Dinnertime aggravation

[Eleni]

My soon to be 9yo and I seem to butt heads daily about dinner. All I request is that he TRY the food for a couple of bites and then if he absolutely hates it then he can have PBandJ. Instead, I get this kid that huffs and puffs and whines and complains.

 

We have been over this a hundred times with him. Tonight he took two bites of the dinner I made and declared himself full. I Know when we leave the gym he will complain that he is starving and ask for a snack.

 

I have conflicting feelings here...

A) I don't like food battles.

B) Im clueless over what to do.

He has been limited to one after school snack. He lost use of video games for several days because it is the one thing he REALLY loves and I could not take the whining about dinner.

 

I NEED this behaviour to stop...and Im lost.

 

What is reasonable here?

Edited April 12, 2011 by Eleni

[Jean in Newcastle]

Give him a pb & j. He did what you asked him to do - take a couple of bites.

[BakersDozen]

One whine = one more spoonful of dinner here. Kid whines, kid gets more. If kid doesn't eat the meal goes in the fridge to be served at the next meal. Nothing else is served either for meals or snacks. If the meal goes rotten, I make another serving just for that kid. I don't have picky eaters. They are allowed their little preferences but within reason (for example, one ds just doesn't like green beans; he doesn't have to eat them). Whining never gets my dc what they want especially at older ages. We are very calm about it and do not get into a fight with the dc; we quietly put another bite of dinner on their plate. They learned not to whine very quickly.

 

If your ds has been taught that he can eat a few bites then get something else (pb&j) then I'm not sure what to tell you. He's doing what you want (although if he whines then I wouldn't give him the pb&j, I'd give him another serving of dinner).

[Aubrey]

Remove the requirement to try it AND remove the option for PBJ. No snacks after dinner. :001_smile:

[Eleni]

Give him a pb & j. He did what you asked him to do - take a couple of bites.

He didn't ask for one...He took some bites and threw it out. After he got all snotty about what I made.

[BakersDozen]

 

Remove the requirement to try it AND remove the option for PBJ. No snacks after dinner.

If dinner has become a power struggle for OP then I agree with this entirely. Simple, clear expectations, no extras.

[KS_]

After he got all snotty about what I made.

 

That's one thing we stress here - even if you *hate* what's being served, you don't make rude comments or show an ungrateful attitude. Someone made an effort to put food on the table and you shouldn't be disrespectful about it.

 

And while I don't usually allow my dc to have a different meal than what is being served (I do make an exception rarely, if there are leftovers that child wants instead or for some other special reason), they are allowed to leave one thing out (it's been things like the pieces of onion, tomato, or green pepper in the meal, if it's a detested vegetable, they either have to eat a small portion or sometimes may have a salad instead). Over the several years we've had that policy, they've gotten better about not having to pick every piece of that item out, or to the point where they don't bother anymore.

[Joanne]

Food culture is highly personal. What I would do:

 

No whining, complaining, rude or negative comments about the food I made and prepared. EVER. PERIOD.

 

I would drop the "you must take a bite" rule.

 

Now, here is where I have 2 minds:

 

1) Offering a standing alternative is one option. But if you do, it needs to be truly offered, and without strings. (Although the no comments absolute above stands). I did this with my kids for a while. It led to the next item.

 

2) Having a standing alternative led to my kids choosing the alternative not when they truly didn't like the meal, but when it wasn't just what they wanted. The alternatives started to grow (instead of pb&j, can I have a yogurt, quesadilla.........). I finally stopped offering a standing alternative.

 

Now, you eat what I make or you go hungry.

[Eleni]

Ok. That sounds reasonable.

 

I was raised a "free range kid" (my positive spin on having a single depressed dad who tried, but pretty much left me to my own devices from age 7 and up) so I sometimes have a hard time figuring things out...I have no real point of reference.

 

Eventually it will kick in for him that he is hungry at night and to avoid that he needs to eat his dinner...right?

 

My other kids will eat anything I make, and this one used to eat all veggies and grains...but he has gotten pickier the older he gets. He also does not like his food to touch because then it is "contaminated" and likes to have different forks for different food items. :001_huh:

[clarkacademy]

One whine = one more spoonful of dinner here. Kid whines, kid gets more. If kid doesn't eat the meal goes in the fridge to be served at the next meal. Nothing else is served either for meals or snacks. If the meal goes rotten, I make another serving just for that kid. I don't have picky eaters. They are allowed their little preferences but within reason (for example, one ds just doesn't like green beans; he doesn't have to eat them). Whining never gets my dc what they want especially at older ages. We are very calm about it and do not get into a fight with the dc; we quietly put another bite of dinner on their plate. They learned not to whine very quickly.

 

If your ds has been taught that he can eat a few bites then get something else (pb&j) then I'm not sure what to tell you. He's doing what you want (although if he whines then I wouldn't give him the pb&j, I'd give him another serving of dinner).

 

OHHH I love the idea of whining equals one more spoonful. I am so doing this Thanks so much

[unsinkable]

Ok. That sounds reasonable.

 

I was raised a "free range kid" (my positive spin on having a single depressed dad who tried, but pretty much left me to my own devices from age 7 and up) so I sometimes have a hard time figuring things out...I have no real point of reference.

 

Eventually it will kick in for him that he is hungry at night and to avoid that he needs to eat his dinner...right?

 

My other kids will eat anything I make, and this one used to eat all veggies and grains...but he has gotten pickier the older he gets. He also does not like his food to touch because then it is "contaminated" and likes to have different forks for different food items. :001_huh:

 

Does he do this with other non-food issues? Like making rules and rituals for situations?

 

It might not be a food issue at its core.

[unsinkable]

One whine = one more spoonful of dinner here. Kid whines, kid gets more. If kid doesn't eat the meal goes in the fridge to be served at the next meal. Nothing else is served either for meals or snacks. If the meal goes rotten, I make another serving just for that kid. I don't have picky eaters. They are allowed their little preferences but within reason (for example, one ds just doesn't like green beans; he doesn't have to eat them). Whining never gets my dc what they want especially at older ages. We are very calm about it and do not get into a fight with the dc; we quietly put another bite of dinner on their plate. They learned not to whine very quickly.

 

If your ds has been taught that he can eat a few bites then get something else (pb&j) then I'm not sure what to tell you. He's doing what you want (although if he whines then I wouldn't give him the pb&j, I'd give him another serving of dinner).

 

OHHH I love the idea of whining equals one more spoonful. I am so doing this Thanks so much

 

You're punishing your child by forcing him/her to eat...and you got someone else to think it's a good idea.

 

I disagree that this is a healthy thing to do to a child.

[SEP]

If dinner has become a power struggle for OP then I agree with this entirely. Simple, clear expectations, no extras.

:iagree:

[melissel]

Does he do this with other non-food issues? Like making rules and rituals for situations?

 

It might not be a food issue at its core.

 

I was thinking this too.

 

Outside of other issues, I'd allow no huffing and puffing and whining. No way. I'd keep the "one bite" rule, and I'd allow the alternative meal. However, HE would have to make it. I would not be making/washing/cleaning up after a second meal. It would be entirely his responsibility, and it would have to be healthy--maybe a list of approved options?

 

He'd also become responsible for bringing himself a snack (a healthy one) for after activities if that's an issue.

 

Personally, I have strong feelings about many foods, and I can't imagine being forced to choke down something I really didn't want. That's where my feeling comes from.

[*lifeoftheparty*]

Kids will not starve themselves to death. You eat what I make or nothing at all. No picky eaters here.

 

ETA: I also do not agree with whining = more spoonfuls of food. I am very careful not to put a lot of food on DS's plate. I never make him clear his plate; that's how you get kids to stop listening to their body's full indicator and overeat = obesity/food issues. I put very small servings on his plate to begin with and he'll ask for more if he's still hungry.

Edited April 11, 2011 by Gao Meixue

[Danestress]

When I married DH, my then step-son (aged 5) had one food he liked to eat for dinner. Fish sticks on one particular plate. Had to be on that plate. He would eat Kraft Mac and Cheese. Very little else. What can I say? He had a deep trauma and reacted by trying to have some control over his environment.

 

My approach was to 'make him' eat a bit or two of food, but only if it was food I was pretty sure he would like. I would make him eat a bite of pasta, but not with sauce. I would make him try the raspberry yogurt. He had to try the mashed potatoes. He ate a cheese stick. This way I built trust. I tried to never make him eat anything that a lot of kids don't like. I made a few mistakes, but for the most part, this worked. It was a bit more work for me, but I find conflict, anger, and "head butting" to be a lot more work than boiling some plain pasta.

 

Slowly, his "will eat" food expanded so that I could fix a plate for him that resembled what we were eating. He would eat the rice with a vegetable, but maybe not the curry we were eating.

 

Eventually this child grew into a teenager who loved to try new Vietnamese or Thai restaurants with me. That was my goal. I am pretty patient with kids who have strong preferences, but I honestly find it socially unacceptable for adults to be picky eaters. I felt like creating control issues around food would almost guarantee that I would end up with picky adult children. And in the mean time, I wanted dinner time to be pleasant and not a battleground.

 

I have three children now and for the most part, they are all good eaters. That oldest is 23 and living at home right now, and he definitely doesn't complain about food.

 

Maybe I am a pushover, but I think butting heads is an unpleasant state of affairs. At almost 9, he's old enough to do some cooking. Teach him to make eggs, cook pasta, cut fruit. He can "help" make dinner, and make the kinds of side dishes he's happy to eat. Let him feel like he has some say in what he eats. I think food becomes a control issue between a lot of mothers and children, and I think for the most part, parents who release control reap benefits in the relationship.

[Eleni]

Does he do this with other non-food issues? Like making rules and rituals for situations?

 

It might not be a food issue at its core.

 

No, he is an intense child though and very bright. . Admittedly, I'm the same way with my meals. If food touches another food then I don't eat that part- i also eat one thing at a time. He couldve learned that from me.

 

I give him a small portion of the food I make. Then if he wants more he may have more. The biggest issue is his dramatics. Huffing, puffing, flopping around like a dying fish. I don't know why he can't just communicate. We role play situations- I make him TrY AGain till It is acceptable with him using clear politely spoken words

 

I really don't want food to be an issue.

[joannqn]

My kids eat what they are given. If I know it is something they dislike, I only give them a tiny bit. For example, I might give them a 2 inch long green bean cut into small bites or a teaspoon of peas. Over time, my older two have grown better about eating things they used to not like; I don't have to give such tiny portions anymore.

 

My 4 year old is in the worst of them. When he doesn't eat dinner, we save his plate for him in case he is hungry later. Nothing else is offered or given. If he's been particularly fussy with dinner, I'll sometimes serve dessert even when I hadn't planned on it. When we're plating dessert and he finds out he's not getting any, he eats his dinner pretty quick. Once he's done, he can have dessert too. Over time, he'll learn to just eat it like the others did.

 

I never make or offer any alternatives. I have one exception; my boys don't like steak. Since steak is expensive, we rarely have it. When we do, I make them chicken nuggets and save the expensive steak for those of us who appreciate it. The sides are the same for everyone.

 

ETA: My method of dealing with picky kids was developed based on the experience of a friend of mine. At 50, she still can't eat certain foods she was forced to eat as a kid. Her parents gave her large portions and forced her to eat everything on her plate. When she sat and didn't finish, they set a timer to mark the time she had to finish by. She feels that the tiny portions I give my kids are reasonable expectations. I don't serve really off the wall foods that many don't like either.

Edited April 11, 2011 by joannqn

[Joanne]

[quote name=Eleni;2616776The biggest issue is his dramatics. Huffing' date=' puffing, flopping around like a dying fish. I don't know why he can't just communicate. We role play situations- I make him TrY AGain till It is acceptable with him using clear politely spoken words

 

.

 

This would be the line in the sand for me. I would not make a child try/eat anything, but I would not allow a child (or adult, or any human!) to behave that way over a meal I prepared.

 

A choice to huff, puff or flop is a choice to be removed from the table and my company.

[Pretty in Pink]

Put one bite of each food on his plate -- one bite of green beans, one bite of potato, one bite of fish. He eats one bite of each. If he wants more, great. If not, PB&J. You said he only had to try one bite, right?

 

Of course, that is my approach. My husband quits doing the PB&J thing by 4 years old. Then, they either like it or they learn to like it, or they don't eat. I know that's not the most popular stance around these parts...I'm just being honest.

 

ETA: Attitude at the dinner table means that you must leave the table and go to your room until you feel that you can behave appropriately during the meal.

Edited April 11, 2011 by Pretty in Pink

[Sasharowan]

Too much whining here led to me pulling the older 3 into the kitchen to learn to cook. I told them that since they don't like what I was making they could learn to make their own meals. This led to much less whining and even some new meals to add to ourmeal line up. Ds15 has gotten to the point of almost making some meals on his own. Dd is a big help with meals. Ds9 didn't care to learn much about cooking but he did enough to get the idea of what kind of work was involved and really cut down on his whining. We still get a few comments, but they are easily stopped with the invitation to cook the next night.

[AK_Mom4]

I would separate the two issues.

 

Whatever you decide to do about the food (it's an issue that polarizes people regularly here!) - snack/no snack, one bite, a whole plate, an alternate food - lay down the rule that works for your family and stick to it.

 

But the minute the rude behavior begins at the table, send him away and don't let him return to the table that meal. Zero-Tolerance. I imagine that if you eliminate the drama associated with the meals, his selective eating will be less of a problem.

[EJCMom]

We have specific consequences for rude, disrespectful behavior in our home, and it doesn't matter what the context is. So, the huffing and puffing and flopping would result in those consequences, no matter what ended up happening with the meal.

 

In terms of meals, I'm not running a restaurant. As much as I would love to have the time to cater to everyone's food preferences, I just can't. And it all starts with a PBJ. Next thing you know you're making three different meals. I just had to nip that in the bud. The only thing I make my kids take at least one bite of is the vegetable. I feel like they'll never develop a taste for it if they don't have to try it. I try to season them in a way that makes them more paletable, and they have developed a taste for things broccoli and brussels sprouts over the years. They'll eat all of them without being asked. Other than that, my position is: This is what we're having at this meal. You may eat as much or as little as you'd like. If you choose not to eat it, the next meal will be served at (fill in the blank). They may only have a snack (dessert) after dinner if they finished their meal.

[Peela]

I have struggled with this for years because dh is also fussy and has not been completely respectful to me over my cooking, which has made it difficult to instigate appropriate boundaries for ds's fussing. However it is an issue we have worked on over the years and nowadays....

I won't make a kid eat something they hate.

I won't make several meals unless I am feeling very generous. We have allergy issues as well as fussy issues and vegetarian/omnivore issues, so I am frequently making eg 2 types of pasta anyway, or cooking meat for the kids and a soy pattie for dh, along with the mashed potatoes and peas etc

But, I wont tolerate rudeness either- from anyone.

 

DH has actually convinced me that fussiness over food can be such a big issue that it can really cause trauma if a parent tries to "force" a kid to eat what they truly dislike. He swears he once ate a whole dressing gown in response to being forced to eat his mothers boiled tripe and boiled vegetables. SO he has a lot of empathy for ds, which hasn't helped me be tough with him at all. So I surrendered and dont force anything- and the range of foods he will eat has slowly expanded, and also his ability to prepare something for himself if he doesnt like what the family is eating.

 

But for me- it was important that I was respected and acknowledged for trying to make meals people would like and eat which were at the same time somewhat healthy. If I failed and they didnt like it, I still deserve respect.

[BakersDozen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LuvnMySvn

One whine = one more spoonful of dinner here. Kid whines, kid gets more. If kid doesn't eat the meal goes in the fridge to be served at the next meal. Nothing else is served either for meals or snacks. If the meal goes rotten, I make another serving just for that kid. I don't have picky eaters. They are allowed their little preferences but within reason (for example, one ds just doesn't like green beans; he doesn't have to eat them). Whining never gets my dc what they want especially at older ages. We are very calm about it and do not get into a fight with the dc; we quietly put another bite of dinner on their plate. They learned not to whine very quickly.

 

If your ds has been taught that he can eat a few bites then get something else (pb&j) then I'm not sure what to tell you. He's doing what you want (although if he whines then I wouldn't give him the pb&j, I'd give him another serving of dinner).

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by clarkacademy

OHHH I love the idea of whining equals one more spoonful. I am so doing this Thanks so much

 

You're punishing your child by forcing him/her to eat...and you got someone else to think it's a good idea.

 

I disagree that this is a healthy thing to do to a child.

 

You can disagree but it works for us. When the day comes that I have a picky or rude eater, I'll change what we do. I got two spoiled-rotten brothers for a summer who were used to a mom who let them get away with being picky and I told them the rule, then proceeded to give them another bite when they whined. Their eyes bugged out, I ignored their looks, and they ate it. They never complained again (at my house). It works for us, it may not work for you. I'm punishing my dc's attitude, I'm stopping rudeness as soon as it starts. Mealtimes are not a battle in our house so until that changes I'll keep doing what I am. My kids can complain to their shrink later in life. ;)

[LibraryLover]

Give him a pb & j. He did what you asked him to do - take a couple of bites.

 

 

:iagree:

[blondeviolin]

My oldest is my pickiest. If we're having something she truly doesn't like (rare) I don't require her to eat it. I serve small portions and when she wants more rice or meat, she must take 4 bites (she's 4) of the food she hasn't or hardly touched. This way, she will have eaten and tried new things. She decides if it's worth it for more or if she wants to finished. We don't reserve unfinished plates until the next meal. They ask to gt down and I may require two more bites of broccoli before she climbs down, but she will do it because otherwise her food goes cold and she misses out on after-dinner playtime with Daddy.

 

Flopping and whining and drama (because that's what we can get) means you sit on your bed until you're ready to behave in an acceptable manner. Really, though, that's a non-issue unless she's over tired.

[Tarreymere]

We are in the 'dinner is dinner, eat it or starve' camp. No dinner, then no snacks, treats, or desserts. This is the same for breakfast and lunch also, you eat what is prepared or go hungry until the next meal time. Any drama and the child can sit in his or her bedroom until the rest of the family is done eating. I'm not interested in fighting the food battle, and despite some really epic stubborness, no one in the house has died of starvation or malnutrition. Yet. :001_smile:

[Jenny in Florida]

You're punishing your child by forcing him/her to eat...and you got someone else to think it's a good idea.

 

I disagree that this is a healthy thing to do to a child.

 

While I might not have been quite as . . . blunt, I agree that I can't see how punishing a child with food is likely to end well.

 

If I had a child who used to eat a wider variety of foods and then began getting pickier, not only about what foods are on his plate but about HOW they are on his plate, I would probably try to do some thinking and investigation into why this was happening. This sounds less like a food issue and more like an emotional issue (attempt to control his environment, etc.) to me.

 

I'm certainly not an expert, though. And I have two very picky eaters. So, take that for what it's worth.

[Jenny in Florida]

A choice to huff, puff or flop is a choice to be removed from the table and my company.

 

Exactly. I absolutely would not fight about food, but I would insist on polite behavior.

[unsinkable]

.

[gardening momma]

Growing up, we had to eat what was made for dinner. No substitutes were offered. We at least had to try a bit of everything. We had a "double portion" rule--if you said "yuck" or any other word (or grunt) of dissatisfaction, you got double portion--twice as much as you had to start--of that food served to you and you were expected to eat it.

 

If we didn't eat our food, and then wanted a snack later, I'm sure we would not have gotten it. If eating our supper had been a problem, I'm sure the after school snack would have been removed to give us more appetite for supper.

 

Dh was raised with a quite a bit more flexibility at suppertime, and he likes a significantly smaller variety of foods than I do. I still have some dislikes, but not nearly as many as he has.

 

You know how they say that when you're introducing a baby to new foods, that it can take 10 tries before he/she decides to like it? I think that applies to kids, too.

[lionfamily1999]

Food culture is highly personal. What I would do:

 

No whining, complaining, rude or negative comments about the food I made and prepared. EVER. PERIOD.

 

I would drop the "you must take a bite" rule.

 

Now, here is where I have 2 minds:

 

1) Offering a standing alternative is one option. But if you do, it needs to be truly offered, and without strings. (Although the no comments absolute above stands). I did this with my kids for a while. It led to the next item.

 

2) Having a standing alternative led to my kids choosing the alternative not when they truly didn't like the meal, but when it wasn't just what they wanted. The alternatives started to grow (instead of pb&j, can I have a yogurt, quesadilla.........). I finally stopped offering a standing alternative.

 

Now, you eat what I make or you go hungry.

Wow, we went through the exact same steps. Of course, it all started with, "If you don't like it, you get nothing" and me whisking away their plates whenever they complained about the food :p (bad Mommy!).

 

Then, I allowed options and I started cooking family meals that were only being eaten by dh and myself.

 

Finally, we went with "This is dinner. If you do not want it, you do not eat." Which was pretty well where we started from :lol:

[gardening momma]

You're punishing your child by forcing him/her to eat...and you got someone else to think it's a good idea.

 

I disagree that this is a healthy thing to do to a child.

Forcing it down his throat would be forcing him to eat. Giving him more and not giving other options is not forcing him to eat.

[unsinkable]

One whine = one more spoonful of dinner here. Kid whines, kid gets more. If kid doesn't eat the meal goes in the fridge to be served at the next meal. Nothing else is served either for meals or snacks. If the meal goes rotten, I make another serving just for that kid. I don't have picky eaters. They are allowed their little preferences but within reason (for example, one ds just doesn't like green beans; he doesn't have to eat them). Whining never gets my dc what they want especially at older ages. We are very calm about it and do not get into a fight with the dc; we quietly put another bite of dinner on their plate. They learned not to whine very quickly.

 

If your ds has been taught that he can eat a few bites then get something else (pb&j) then I'm not sure what to tell you. He's doing what you want (although if he whines then I wouldn't give him the pb&j, I'd give him another serving of dinner).

 

Forcing it down his throat would be forcing him to eat. Giving him more and not giving other options is not forcing him to eat.

 

gardening momma:

 

I don't know how you define force.

 

The poster wrote that if the child whines, the child gets more food and keeps getting served that food until it is eaten...or rots, then another serving of that same food is prepared.

 

What is that if not force?

[Melissa in Australia]

I grew up in a house where my mother served the food, onto the plate and if w didn't like it, we had it served up again the next day. I could not stand curried sausages. I was quiet prepared to starve to death than eat them. after 3 days of having than served to me and me refusing to eat them , my mother had enough (I was already underweight). both my mother and father held me down. one held my nose until I was forced to open my mouth to breath, they then poured the curried sausages into my mouth. After a minute I started vomiting, then got a belting and had the process started all over again.

I think my mother realised that she abused me, and forever afterwards, when she served curried sausages, I was allowed to have just the plane rice side dish.

 

I have no idea what PB&J is, but what I do with my children is if they don't like what is served, they can eat the veggies and have a plane piece of bread, or something. I have one son who cannot stand tomatoes, we have spaghetti bolognese once a week, he has plane pasta, and fries himself some mushrooms ( I put mushrooms in the pasta sauce anyway).

Another kid cannot stand roasted pumpkin, I offer the choice of roasted beetroot as well, they can choose between the two veggies.

Edited April 12, 2011 by melissaL
spelling

[unsinkable]

I grew up in a house where my mother served the food, onto the plate and if w didn't like it, we had it served up again the next day. I could not stand curried sausages. I was quiet prepared to starve to death than eat them. after 3 days of having than served to me and me refusing to eat them , my mother had enough (I was already underweight). both my mother and father held me down. one held my nose until I was forced to open my mouth to breath, they then poured the curried sausages into my mouth. After a minute I started vomiting, then got a belting and had the process started all over again.

I think my mother realised that she abused me, and forever afterwards, when she served curried sausages, I was allowed to have just the plane rice side dish.

 

I have no idea what PB&J is, but what I do with my children is if they don't like what is served, they can eat the veggies and have a plane piece of bread, or something. I have one son who cannot stand tomatoes, we have spaghetti bolognese once a week, he has plane pasta, and fries himself some mushrooms ( I put mushrooms in the pasta sauce anyway).

Another kid cannot stand roasted pumpkin, I offer the choice of roasted beetroot as well, they can choose between the two veggies.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

melissa, I am so sorry.

 

I meant to say too, that PB&J is peanut butter and jelly.

Edited April 12, 2011 by unsinkable

[gardening momma]

gardening momma:

 

I don't know how you define force.

 

The poster wrote that if the child whines, the child gets more food and keeps getting served that food until it is eaten...or rots, then another serving of that same food is prepared.

 

What is that if not force?

Feeding your child. There are plenty of kids who don't even get food that good. Maybe a social studies lesson at the same time.

[gardening momma]

I grew up in a house where my mother served the food, onto the plate and if w didn't like it, we had it served up again the next day. I could not stand curried sausages. I was quiet prepared to starve to death than eat them. after 3 days of having than served to me and me refusing to eat them , my mother had enough (I was already underweight). both my mother and father held me down. one held my nose until I was forced to open my mouth to breath, they then poured the curried sausages into my mouth. After a minute I started vomiting, then got a belting and had the process started all over again.

I think my mother realised that she abused me, and forever afterwards, when she served curried sausages, I was allowed to have just the plane rice side dish.

*This* is force. What the other person described is not force.

[unsinkable]

*This* is force. What the other person described is not force.

 

*Force* is not always physical.

 

*Force* is when one person is in a power position over another and uses that power to gain compliance.

 

I am assuming that any more converation along these lines is pointless. It reminds me of trying to convince someone that spousal abuse is not only physical.

[MtnTeaching]

We are in the 'dinner is dinner, eat it or starve' camp. No dinner, then no snacks, treats, or desserts. This is the same for breakfast and lunch also, you eat what is prepared or go hungry until the next meal time. Any drama and the child can sit in his or her bedroom until the rest of the family is done eating. I'm not interested in fighting the food battle, and despite some really epic stubborness, no one in the house has died of starvation or malnutrition. Yet. :001_smile:

 

:iagree:

I was raised by my grandparents. I was 6 and they were in their 60's when I went to live with them after my mother died and my traveling salesman Dad tried, but couldn't handle the school thing.

 

One thing my grandparents stressed (after dealing with the whole pesky Depression, people were starving and grateful for a scrap of dried up, crusty old bread thing), was that food was expensive, it was for sustenance, and that what landed on your plate was all you were getting until the next meal. Worked for me.

 

 

With my kids - I took a similar approach and then added that dinner time was an "adventure" and that we were all "Indiana Joneses", trying everything that hit our plate. We didn't have to like it, but we are GOING to try it. Mom cooking another meal ain't gonna happen.

 

Geography really helps! We have cooked meals from all over the world (Indiana Jones Style) and they help with the preparation. It is amazing how a kid will eat something they have help to prepare and that people are raving over, rather than if it just magically appears on their plate. My kids have tried raw oysters in Oregon and dropped their own lobsters into a boiling water pot in Maine.

 

Having said this, I know I am also lucky with these kids. I have a cousin who has three girls (7, 5, & 3). The middle one uses food as a control device. I watch my cousin sitting with this little girl, conjoling to the point of begging, after everyone else is through eating and it takes me back to my childhood. I can clearly hear my grandfather saying, "OK, you don't have to eat this dinner. No one ever died from missing a meal. Breakfast is at 7:00am."

[littlebug42]

I have somewhat picky kids although not as bad as some. This is what I started doing: First of all, each child is given a night to select the menu. They must choose a full meal with veggie. For Boo-Boo, Monday is always taco night because it is her current favorite and this is what she chooses. For Sweet-Pea, she has Wednesday and this week she wants roasted chicken, green beans and salad. She is 9 and is now starting to branch into more and more foods. On the other nights, I make what I make and they can eat it or not. I try to plan at least one component to each meal that each person likes. One child prefers pasta with no sauce so I pull some out before I sauce it. No big deal and it is not a complete other meal.

 

My dh was forced to eat whatever was served to him as a child. Now as an adult, he is very picky about what he likes to eat. He refuses to eat almost anything green at all and veggies in general are pretty much on his NO list with the exception of salad.

 

I do not tolerate rudeness though. I think you need to pick what you think is reasonable and stand behind it. I would definitely send him from the table and allow nothing until he can put away the attitude.

[3lilreds in NC]

My middle child is getting pickier as she gets older. I try to remember that dh has some texture issues and it seems she is developing them as well. I know taste buds change but I really don't understand why food that has been fine all along has suddenly become unacceptable to her.

 

I really don't serve anything she cannot stand, so my rule is that she has to eat what we are having for dinner the first night we have it. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to eat it for leftovers. We have also had the discussion about being rude about what is served. She's usually not too bad but now and then she likes to see how far she can push me. She does pretty well with meals now. I do try to give her a head's up if we're having something I know she doesn't care for, just so she can prepare herself.

 

I can remember having liver for dinner, which I detested. I also remember throwing up into my plate. I would not serve things that made her want to gag, but she does have to learn to eat things that are not her first choice.

[gardening momma]

*Force* is not always physical.

 

*Force* is when one person is in a power position over another and uses that power to gain compliance.

So parental authority is "force"? Ok. If that's how you want to define it.

[Imprimis]

You're punishing your child by forcing him/her to eat...and you got someone else to think it's a good idea.

 

I disagree that this is a healthy thing to do to a child.

 

I agree with unsinkable. Why force a kid to eat something he/she doesn't want or like? I don't eat food that I don't like and I wouldn't expect my kids to.

[UmMusa]

As someone said, food culture is pretty personal. I don't agree with forcing kids to eat what's on their plate because I don't scientifically measure out the portion. In fact they often serve themselves. I tell them not to waste and ask them to finish their plates. I don't force them to if I see they're full.

 

My husband was raised 'in luxury' (ahem, spoiled) and had a live-in maid to help his mom cook/clean, and they had a dessert chef come once a week and prepare sweets, and any type of sweet he fancied. So, to handle this type of eater (and the influence he has on our children), I normally have more than one main dish in the fridge. I put a variety of foods on the table, so most of the time everyone can find something they like. One son hates mushrooms, so he'll eat from the salad, bread, and other side dish instead of the main dish that might have some mushroom in it.

 

This system also lets ME have the foods I like. DH and I like very different foods, so often I stagger dishes that we all like so that there's more than one thing offered up. It's actually no more work for me.

 

For the OP it sounds like it's the attitude that's the bigger problem. Behavior can be changed and talked about. Hopefully he can be more respectful. It could be a stage.

Edited April 12, 2011 by UmMusa
typo

[gardening momma]

As someone said, food culture is pretty personal. I don't agree with forcing kids to eat what's on their plate because I don't scientifically measure out the portion. In fact they often serve themselves. I tell them not to waste and ask them to finish their plates. I don't force them to if I see they're full.

 

...

 

For the OP it sounds like it's the attitude that's the bigger problem. Behavior can be changed and talked about. Hopefully he can be more respectful. It could be a stage.

I don't think the whole discussion is about finishing what's on your plate, it's about trying what's on your plate. And I agree that the attitude is the problem.

[*lifeoftheparty*]

I think "food culture" is only personal in America and a few other highly-industrialized countries. I highly doubt that school age children in India, China, Peru, Nicaragua or most countries in Africa go around whining about their food, and not liking this or that. They eat what is put in front of them b/c they realize that you need food to survive and they have felt hunger. REAL hunger. Something most Americans will never experience. I, personally, don't think this is some worldwide characteristic of children.... I do think it's a worldwide characteristic of spoiled children.

[Danestress]

I force my kids to write thank you notes and put on a clean shirt when Grandma comes over.

 

I don't force my kids to eat food they dislike.

 

You might choose differently, but why not call it force if that's what it is? Obviously there are types of force and some are more forceful than others. Some are abusive and some are benevolent. I am not the least bit hesitant to admit that I 'force' my kids to do certain things, even though none of them end up being physical force. Maybe we should call it "manipulate." I manipulate my children into writhing thank you note by telling them I won't take them to their sports practices until they have accomplished the task. No apologies either.

 

If I forced my kids to eat broccoli, I would say so. I don't think it's the worst thing to do, even though I personally choose a lighter touch on that issue, maybe because food can become so loaded with control issues in my experience. I'm actually not sure why I am more comfortable "forcing" my kids to practice violin (and arguably making them resent it) but not forcing them to eat curry. But if someone else forces her child, through not violent means, to eat curry, I think that's a parental choice.

[lionfamily1999]

I think "food culture" is only personal in America and a few other highly-industrialized countries. I highly doubt that school age children in India, China, Peru, Nicaragua or most countries in Africa go around whining about their food, and not liking this or that. They eat what is put in front of them b/c they realize that you need food to survive and they have felt hunger. REAL hunger. Something most Americans will never experience. I, personally, don't think this is some worldwide characteristic of children.... I do think it's a worldwide characteristic of spoiled children.

:iagree: Even if the idea of my children being called spoiled makes my hackles go up a little. All the same, when we were kids we were poor. Meaning, ketchup sandwiches were a luxery, it meant we had bread. I remember eating this bird seed looking stuff with freeze dried beef pellets for weeks. That was all we had. No one wanted to eat it. It was disgusting, but hey, we were hungry and it was something. While my kids may start moaning about starvation about bed time, they have no idea what they're talking about and WILL survive till morning.

 

Heck, by international standards, even when we were poor we were rich. We had food.

Edited April 12, 2011 by lionfamily1999
my children are spoiled not spoils