I need cheerleading: How to stay upbeat when spouse is depressed/over life

[Nestof3]

No slamming dh here. I'm having a hard time not letting his "I hate life" mood rub off on me. It's very stressful to be around, but I also know that my being down makes it worse for him.

 

How do you get yourself to stay upbeat and positive despite the gloominess that surrounds you?

 

Obviously, I need to pray more. Any practical tips aside from this? I guess what I'm saying is, I need some cheerleaders.

[Starr]

I'm cheering for you! It is really hard to live with someone who is depressed! Yes, you have to keep doing all the healthy things you do. Get outside, exercise, eat well,pray, do things that are fun but it's hard. :grouphug:

[kalanamak]

I know it sounds primitive, but I hum happy songs, I do secret-ish nice things ("accidentally" his favorite food), and I give him space. Later, I might go talk to him in the dark, and let him whine a little.

 

My ex had dark moods that really hung on. :grouphug: After 6 years of hearing it was all my fault and watching him glower at me, we split up, and he took his dark moods with him. I hope, hope, hope you aren't hearing that, because it is vastly demoralizing, and I never figured out a way to take the edge off of it.

[iona]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:it is hard to not let the negativity spread. i wish i had better practical advice.......put down the girl scout cookies

[Nestof3]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:it is hard to not let the negativity spread. i wish i had better practical advice.......put down the girl scout cookies

:lol:

 

I did. I really am not an emotional eater. I can go another month without eating dessert now. LOL

 

I think I've been so low on carbs lately that my heart has been beating irregularly (seriously).

 

Well, I fixed that. LOL

[Jean in Newcastle]

People gave me really good advice in this thread - it was about a stressed spouse, not depressed, but some of the tips may be helpful.

 

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=242803&highlight=stressed+spouse

[MrsBasil]

If the weather is good I take long walks. I usually take extra time for prayers, especially my evening prayers. I add some to my normal ones too.

 

:grouphug: I've been there and he's actually just coming out of it in the last couple months. Slowly. It can be done.

 

I'm also very close to my parents and they love hosting me and DS on weekends, so I'd pack up once a month and go over there. He got some true down time which he craved and I got a break from, well, his depression. I started to feel just exhausted by him after awhile and he felt overwhelmed trying to be husband/dad/provider and 'on' all the time. The breaks actually helped.

[aggieamy]

My husband has those days when he's just wandering around the house like a grizzly bear growling at all of us. I'm such an upbeat person that it drives me nuts and I want to fix it. I haven't found a way yet though, if it's only for a day or so do things that keep your attitude up - borrow a favorite movie or book from the library, enjoy the weather, scrapbook with a friend. If he gets over it in a day or two then just do your best to keep yourself upbeat while you wait it out. If it lasts longer than a few days then I'd think about trying to find a psyciatrist for you to see to talk to the situation about. They'll have better suggestions.

[iona]

:lol:

 

I did. I really am not an emotional eater. I can go another month without eating dessert now. LOL

 

I think I've been so low on carbs lately that my heart has been beating irregularly (seriously).

 

Well, I fixed that. LOL

 

yikes...well as long as the samoas were medicinal

[Tap]

Do you remember, several years ago there was a book called The Love Dare, and Fireproof, a movie based on the book?

 

When dh is stressed (he doesn't get depressed, just very very stressed) I try to focus on things from that book. I try to do things for him. It is a lot like others suggestions of 'what is his love language' but for me giving gifts (even of service) is my love language. So for us, it is a double win. I feel better, doing little things that make things better for him. I love to leave little surprises. When he used to work in the hot sun, I would show up and leave a cooler with cut up watermelon on ice for him. If he was working a long day, I would pack him extra snacks in his lunch that he wasn't expecting. I would call and ask what sounded good for dinner, with a promise to make what ever he wanted. Yesterday, it was just an ice cold beer and a frozen glass when he got home from work. I make sure to have the house picked up when he got home, the garbage cans brought in from the street and the mail picked up. Just little chores that he usually does, but appreciates when someone else does them just as well.

[1bassoon]

Buy him a kilt?

 

(Sorry, couldn't resist. I know your pain and live it frequently. . .:grouphug:)

[Peela]

I light incense, play music I like, cook something nice, read a good book, garden. Things that make me happy. At least one of us can be happy- it sure doesnt help if both of us go down the chute.

Of course, it can be really, really irritating being depressed around someone who is happy, so I might keep my excessive happiness to myself :)

[Rosie_0801]

I can't do upbeat on demand, but on the rare occasions dh is like this (he's far better tempered than I am) I can do serenity.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[KidsHappen]

My hubby, the most normal, upbeat person I know, once went through a period of depression. It is so much harder to live with a depressed person than to be a depressed person. I have no idea how I made it through but I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel. I have BTDT and have a few grey hairs to show for it. I hope you get a little sunshine in your life soon. :grouphug:

[delaney]

Must be the weather. DH has been a real bear as well. Stressed about work, tired, grumbly......

My advice is to keep your chin up, stay calm, offer him a beer(if you drink), and tell him kindly that you understand his feelings but not when they bring the whole family down. Do you guys camp? Maybe a nice weekend with nature? Maybe give him a fun activity to do with the kids? Is there an area he knows a lot about and sharing with the kids would make him feel valued?

:grouphug: stay strong and feel free to pm me anytime.:)

[Beth in OH]

My ex had dark moods that really hung on. :grouphug: After 6 years of hearing it was all my fault and watching him glower at me, we split up, and he took his dark moods with him. I hope, hope, hope you aren't hearing that, because it is vastly demoralizing, and I never figured out a way to take the edge off of it.

 

If this is where you are, or if your dh's depression is more chronic than episodic, you might need to get some outside help on how to deal with it. Does he own how his mood affects others? Sometimes trying to cajole/support a person out of a constantly depressed mood turns into enabling. A third party can help you set some boundaries, if necessary. You wouldn't be turning your back on your dh, you'd simply be helping your entire family toward health.

[unsinkable]

No slamming dh here. I'm having a hard time not letting his "I hate life" mood rub off on me. It's very stressful to be around, but I also know that my being down makes it worse for him.

 

How do you get yourself to stay upbeat and positive despite the gloominess that surrounds you?

 

Obviously, I need to pray more. Any practical tips aside from this? I guess what I'm saying is, I need some cheerleaders.

 

I tell myself that sometime he carries me and sometimes I carry him.

 

I am sorry your both going thru this. :grouphug:

[lvbnhome]

In my 40's ....I have come to the point where I just have detached enough that I can be healthy and still love someone who is not happy.

I have learned to focus on things I love. I have a little book, that I have written down things that I love doing..or seeing or being a part of that make me feel good.

I also buy little things (not very often, because I'm conservative) that make me laugh, and I do have a funny mind :)

...One of the cards I have hanging on my little corkboard has 4 women from the 20's on a boat smiling... There is a quote on it and it says "I HAVE DECIDED TO BE HAPPPY....BECAUSE IT IS GOOD FOR MY HEALTH" Voltair (Francois-Marie) 1634-1778"

 

 

I light incense, play music I like, cook something nice, read a good book, garden. Things that make me happy. At least one of us can be happy- it sure doesnt help if both of us go down the chute.

Of course, it can be really, really irritating being depressed around someone who is happy, so I might keep my excessive happiness to myself :)

[G5052]

In my 40's ....I have come to the point where I just have detached enough that I can be healthy and still love someone who is not happy.

 

One of the cards I have hanging on my little corkboard has 4 women from the 20's on a boat smiling... There is a quote on it and it says "I HAVE DECIDED TO BE HAPPPY....BECAUSE IT IS GOOD FOR MY HEALTH" Voltair (Francois-Marie) 1634-1778"

 

This was my lesson of my 40's as well. For various reasons I've functioned off and on as a single parent for years, and I've learned to not base my happiness on the availability of my spouse. I also take alone time for myself when it is reasonable to do so. Driving alone to shopping or an event away from home always helps me, even if it is just a morning.

[Hannah]

If he has some or all of the symptoms for clinical depression (depressed mood lasting for days on end, change in sleeping patterns, change in appetite, inability to concentrate, feelings of hopelessness, feelings of low self-worth, etc), I'd do my best to encourage him to see a doctor.

Medication works.

 

One thing that made me cope with someone else's depression better was to understand that it is the biochemicals in his brain that are in a mess and this results in the feelings of depression. There is this negative fog that causes him to feel completely hopeless when, if you look at it rationally, there is obviously hope. The depression blinds him to see opportunities and anything negative confirms his feelings of low self-worth and hopelessness.

 

Tips I wrote down for myself:

1) Understand that I cannot 'fix' depression for someone else. I cannot make him 'see' that there is hope and how irrational his thinking is. I cannot talk him out of it. I cannot do anything differently that will fix someone else's mood. There is nothing to feel guilty about. (I felt guilty that I wasn't able to talk/cajole/enourage/love someone else out of his 'mood')

 

2) I am sympathetic, but I don't buy into his negative depressed views.

 

3) Don't let his attitude affect what you do and your enjoyment of life. If you need to, attend activities on your own and with your children. We live in a small community where private life and work is entwined and there is still a stigma to mental illness. We have confided in a few friends who carry me when the going gets tough.

 

4) Look after yourself. Exercise, eat well, get enough sleep and enjoy your hobbies.

 

5) Keep a gratitude journal and record the many things to give thanks for. This really helped me to focus on the positive and not get 'secondary' depression. I could easily be sucked in as well if I dind't fight the fog myself.

 

6) It will get better. It always does.

[Alicia64]

I learned in my Masters program that men show depression very differently from women. Many men suicide and the people around them didn't even know how badly the depression was effecting them.

 

Men show it through: irritability, anger, quiet etc.

 

Your being upbeat doesn't effect much if he's really trying to plow through depression.

 

In this day and age, he shouldn't have to suffer -- assuming that this is an on-going issue and not a blue day.

 

Try to get him to a doctor for meds. (None of us see the dentist without meds. Many of us don't have babies without meds. If a depression is effecting his life, your life and the kid's life: get meds!)

 

Get him out walking every day. Go with him. Tell him you need the exercise and the companionship.

 

Watch that he's getting enough sleep -- too much can go hand-in-glove w/ depression, but too little adds to depression.

 

My bottom line: meds!

 

Good luck,

 

Alley

[sunriseiz]

If he has some or all of the symptoms for clinical depression (depressed mood lasting for days on end, change in sleeping patterns, change in appetite, inability to concentrate, feelings of hopelessness, feelings of low self-worth, etc), I'd do my best to encourage him to see a doctor.

Medication works.

 

One thing that made me cope with someone else's depression better was to understand that it is the biochemicals in his brain that are in a mess and this results in the feelings of depression. There is this negative fog that causes him to feel completely hopeless when, if you look at it rationally, there is obviously hope. The depression blinds him to see opportunities and anything negative confirms his feelings of low self-worth and hopelessness.

 

Tips I wrote down for myself:

1) Understand that I cannot 'fix' depression for someone else. I cannot make him 'see' that there is hope and how irrational his thinking is. I cannot talk him out of it. I cannot do anything differently that will fix someone else's mood. There is nothing to feel guilty about. (I felt guilty that I wasn't able to talk/cajole/enourage/love someone else out of his 'mood')

 

2) I am sympathetic, but I don't buy into his negative depressed views.

 

3) Don't let his attitude affect what you do and your enjoyment of life. If you need to, attend activities on your own and with your children. We live in a small community where private life and work is entwined and there is still a stigma to mental illness. We have confided in a few friends who carry me when the going gets tough.

 

4) Look after yourself. Exercise, eat well, get enough sleep and enjoy your hobbies.

 

5) Keep a gratitude journal and record the many things to give thanks for. This really helped me to focus on the positive and not get 'secondary' depression. I could easily be sucked in as well if I dind't fight the fog myself.

 

:iagree:

 

I would definitely recommend a doctor's visit if possible. Med's did help DH once he decided to try.

 

It's also hard knowing I couldn't really do anything to help but to take care of myself and the kids. That meant (and still does) doing lots of things by myself with the kids and just doing them...not stressing over him not joining us, but enjoying things the best I could.

 

The last thing I have learned is to keep breathing. It may sound really flaky, but sometimes that is all I could do. We have been through a lot in the past 10 yrs and breathing and praying went hand in hand for me.

 

Hugs!

[fairfarmhand]

Music....

 

Upbeat uplifting praise.

 

Psalms. Memorize them.

[Nestof3]

Thank you, all.

 

He had been on meds for several months, but he recently spoke to the doctor about halving it and then again about going off. They agreed it would be fine. He insists he doesn't need them, that he's just too old for his line of work, that he has nothing to look forward to, and that he's not happy.

 

Maybe I'll start taking them instead. LOL

[Melissa in CA]

I have one word for you: SAMe

 

Have your dh take 400 mg in the morning, along with a good B Complex. It's wonderful. My 22 yo ds takes it regularly...when he doesn't take it for a day or two he turns into a grumpy, woe is me, my life sucks, person. He sucks the life outta everyone. With his SAMe he's MUCH more positive and happy about life. It's like night and day. He says SAMe is a life-saver and can't imagine his life without it.

 

DH takes it whenever he feels out of sorts, and low. Thankfully, not often.

 

They both think it's wonderful.

 

I've never tried it myself, I'm always pretty even tempered, happy-go-lucky.

 

:D

[Tammyla]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Thank you, all.

 

He had been on meds for several months, but he recently spoke to the doctor about halving it and then again about going off. They agreed it would be fine. He insists he doesn't need them, that he's just too old for his line of work, that he has nothing to look forward to, and that he's not happy.

 

Maybe I'll start taking them instead. LOL

[Tap]

Thank you, all.

 

He had been on meds for several months, but he recently spoke to the doctor about halving it and then again about going off. They agreed it would be fine. He insists he doesn't need them, that he's just too old for his line of work, that he has nothing to look forward to, and that he's not happy.

 

Maybe I'll start taking them instead. LOL

 

Meds help if there is a chemical imbalance in the brain. If there is no chemical imbalance, they aren't going to do much other than give side effects. The different medications are made of chemicals that affect the natural hormones in the brain/body. It is possible that a different chemical combination is what he really needs, but honestly, it may just need to be an attitude adjustment. Could it be a personality trait instead of a chemical issue?

 

I can't remember if therapy was something he was willing to consider or not. If he is, I would have him work with one to see if he can change his outlook on life.

 

DH is a pessimist, I am an optimist. I get it. I get tired of it. Dh is happy overall, but is always waiting for the other shoe to fall. He predicted that he would lose his job, 5 years ago (he has seen a complete team change over twice at his company in the position he is now in). SO, for 5 years, I have heard about the doom and gloom of the 5 year mark approaching....guess what, 5 years and (drum roll please) he is losing his job. There is going to be a new team in place in the next 12 month as the team is picked off one by one. LOL He was right....but seriously, he DWELLED on it for 5 YEARS! He is always stressed about money, even when we had excess. Over the past 20 years, I have learned to let it go. When he starts to go off on a doomed topic, I just look at him and say "your pessimism is showing". We laugh and he changes the subject. He knows that it is my way of saying "enough already, let it go". I have several theories why I think dh is this way, but non of them are chemical in nature. Anti-depressants aren't going to help him. It is his personality. Over the past few years, he is trying to be more optimistic. Maybe some of it is just for my benefit, but he is trying.

 

One thing I would ask is.... are you trying to fix his problems? At first, when I saw this trait growing in dh (mid-20s), I would try to fix what he was complaining about. If he was stressed about money, I pinched pennies till they bled. Then I happened to see our savings account balance.... I wanted to strangle him, thinking that we were destitute. We didn't have a huge savings, but wayyyy more than he was letting on. It took a while to realize, it was just who he was, and that it wasn't something to fix. I just listened to his concerns, and then kept doing my own thing. At one point we made well over $80,000 a year (decent money back then...I miss those days). To listen to him, we were on the verge of bankruptcy and needed to scrimp and save for food next month. (Remember, he has been anticipating getting fired for 5 years!---despite winning constant sales awards). I realized that there would never be a point that he would be happy. Money stresses me out too, but not like it does him. To remedy the pessimism/optimism issue, we have separate accounts. He pays the household bills and his savings accounts. I have my own accounts and money. I can be as optimistic about my spending as I want....he can have his doom and gloom. LOL This way, I don't have to listen to him rant about his financial concerns and he doesn't see my buying a birthday present for the kid next door as the $20 that left us destitute in our retirement. LOL

Edited April 7, 2011 by Tap, tap, tap

[Night Elf]

This is hard to admit, but that question can be answered by my DH. I'm the one who suffers from depression, not him.

 

Martin says: It isn't always easy, but it's something I've gotten better with over time. A lot of it is realizing that she needs support when she feels bad and by trying to be "up" and there for her, it makes it a little less bad. The fact that I'm a positive person by nature probably helps that.

 

And back to me: He helps a great deal, especially around the house. Being depressed and having to face homeschool and housework, not to mention my own schoolwork, is terribly overwhelming. I'd be a hot mess without his 100% support. Even the kids help me. They can tell when I'm having a bad day and will always offer to do things for me, like get me a drink or a snack, a book, or watch funny sitcoms with me. But to keep it in perspective, I am not a moody person every single day and they don't feel my depression is a burden. I try my very best not to take out my moodiness on my family, but it took counseling to learn how to do that.