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I Have a MIL Situation & Need Advice!


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Ok, I generally like my MIL. She is not perfect by any means but she keeps out of my business and has never really played an integral part of my children's life so I've never really had a reason, myself, not to like her. Some of the things my husband has told me about his childhood definately makes me judge her (probably unfairly) but I really try not to blow anything out of proportion, etc. The one thing she does that drives me absolutely bonkers is that she'll plan things with my kids then cancel. Most of the time it doesn't affect them because I've learned not to even mention G-ma coming for a visit until she's in the driveway. I don't want to pump them up and then get let down. She's the only person in their life that I consiously "protect" them from, in this way. And everytime she comes to visit, she brings a bag-full of happy meal toys she's saved forthwm over the 3 months time since she last visited. So I guess that's two things that irk me. But still, not much against her, as far as MILs go. ;)

 

Now, here is the dilemma. She wants to keep my kids, over night, 45 minutes away. Just the thought makes me feel all panicky and when she asked a few minutes ago, by text message, I told her she'd have to ask their daddy! :001_huh: He will NOT want to let them go. She lives with her boyfriend of a little over a year. He seems like a nice guy, but I Just don't trust people around my children, yk? And, she NEVER asked to get the kids overnight when she was 15 minutes down the road, in her own house. So in my mind, it feels like there is some alterior motive, yk?

 

Do I sound crazy?! :001_huh: What would you do in this situation? All I want to do is protect my babies but I also don't want to over-react and cause tension in the family, etc... FWIW, the kids stay at my parents' house nearly every weekend for a night, or sometimes two. The boys would be fine but I probably wouldn't send Julie just yet as she's just now getting used to staying at my parents & she's not very familiar w/ G-ma yet (and she's still nursing, and is sometimes hard to deal with--I'd hate for her to FREAK OUT 45 minutes away)...

 

I just don't know if I need to just suck it up and let them go, or if my mama alarm is going off for a reason?

 

Thanks for reading if you got that far!! ;) Sorry, I'm long-winded!! :D

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Well, I'm not sure of your stance on "living together before marriage" but that right there would be a deal killer for me. I wouldn't want my kids thinking its okay and being "apart" of that situation. To each his own, I know, but if you feel similarly that could be your "out".

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You do not need to feel guilty about telling her no. Holy cow - I can't imagine sending my kids to spend the night with anyone who was living with someone for that short a time. It sounds like you're not terribly comfortable with your MIL watching them anyway, and with a relatively new boyfriend in the picture - no way.

 

Now, it would be different if they'd been together for a many years and were all but married, if you KWIM, you knew him well and were comfortable there, etc. That's not the situation here. I'd let your dh be the one to tell her no, though. That's what I do with mine - dh gets to deal with them on whatever issues arise.

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I would never have let my children go to a sleepover with a man (or woman) around whom I did not know and trust 10,000 percent.

 

Your instincts are to protect your kids, and they are right. If she is unhappy about it, it is really her issue.

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DO you think she'd consider having them for a couple of hours first?

 

Is there something you could do near her house so that if she wants to visit with the grandsons for 3 hours or so, you could visit a park wiht your daughter, run an errand, etc, and still be near by if things fall apart?

 

Would you feel more comfortable if she was doing something specific with them (taking them to mini golf or bowling, or out to lunch, or some indoor play area) rather than just dropping them at her house?

 

What are your concerns? Do you think her home is unsafe (unlocked guns, medications left out, etc), or is it just one of those feelings? The "Protecting the Gift" guy says those feelings usually come from somewhere and should be respected, so it might be good if you could sort that out.

 

If you need reasons to not allow them there, you could pick from:

 

Having DH deal - it's his mother. If he says no, then no.

 

Maybe you're philosophically or religiously against her cohabitating and you don't want your children to be in her home because of that. That won't rule out a trip bowling, so if you really don't want the kids in her care, you can't use this without another plan in place.

 

Objective examples of why their house is not acceptable for young children. They may offer to meet your demands (locking guns, medications away and up high, etc), but you should be allowed to drop off the boys and confirm that the house is actually safe (and yeah - it sucks to think you'd need to do an inspection).

 

Another choice?

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Now, here is the dilemma. She wants to keep my kids, over night, 45 minutes away. Just the thought makes me feel all panicky and when she asked a few minutes ago, by text message, I told her she'd have to ask their daddy! He will NOT want to let them go. She lives with her boyfriend of a little over a year. He seems like a nice guy, but I Just don't trust people around my children, yk? And, she NEVER asked to get the kids overnight when she was 15 minutes down the road, in her own house. So in my mind, it feels like there is some alterior motive, yk?

 

Hm.

 

The living arrangement wouldn't bother me. What might is how well I know the boyfriend? "Seems like a nice guy" is a bit too vague for my comfort level in terms of allowing a disengaged, unreliable g'ma to take 2 very small and one medium kid for an overnight.

 

I'm *not* over-protective or "conservative" on these issues and I'm voting "no" on this one.

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Except for the boyfriend part, your MIL sounds eerily like mine. I am not comfortable with them sleeping at her house without us. If I can't trust her to come over when she says she will (I don't tell the kids she's coming either, it's always "Surprise! Grandma's in the driveway!") then I won't trust her with my kids. Thank goodness I have my husband's support for that. Now, my situation is helped by the fact that she's almost 6 hours away now. And for those who may think I shouldn't share that sort of information in a place where she could potentially see it, I'd be happy to tell her so myself.

 

If it were me in your shoes, I'd tell her I'm sorry but I'm simply not comfortable with it. "Well, why not? They are at your parents' all the time." They're my parents and I've known them my whole life. We've only known your boyfriend for a year now and he's still too much of an unknown for our family. No, I don't know at what point he will become "okay" but we'd love to spend time with you both more regularly. How about we get together with you and boyfriend next week and spend some time at the park with the kids? The weather's supposed to be wonderful... :D

 

That would give you the opportunity to deflect and then actively seek to fix the trust issue you have with your MIL (I should take my own advice!).

Edited by VA6336
I can't type
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I guess I don't understand why it is a dilemma of whether or not to let your kids spend the night at you MILs and her boyfriends when you are saying your dh will not allow it. You wouldn't do that against his will, would you ?

I understand it bothering you, because she is family, but the answer of whether the children spend the night there or not seems so clear cut to me. NO.

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I'd say no, but I would tell her why. And the "why" would be because I don't approve of people living together before marriage, and that isn't something I would want my children to see as an acceptable option. It might hurt her feelings, but at least she'd know why.

 

(I feel strongly about telling people the truth in a kind way instead of making them guess.)

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I think you suddenly got plans and they can't go.

 

I am a victim of a MIL (she passed seven years ago). It was awful. And leaving it to dh, they would be going. She could make him agree to anything...

 

The only way I'd do it was to all go together for a day visit, you there (and dh if he isn't working). So that way she gets to see the kids and you can be there to oversee (and nurse the younger one).

 

The one time I didn't check on things....... we were visiting MIL's church from out of town. I ALWAYS checked on the kids when they went to a new children's church. Well, several years later, dd informed me that a snotty kid lied about her and she spent the whole class time in the corner. She was 3 years old!!!! And visiting from out of town!!!! It really traumatized her, to the point she didn't like Sunday School. Well, now I'm remembering, the teacher made fun of her writing in what was our church a few years later.

 

So, even when you think all is well, it might not be. Even if the bf is ok, you don't know how the dc will be talked to, or how they will be treated if they misbehave. That is probably why you don't feel comfortable about it, you don't spend a lot of time together to have a comfort with each other's ways.

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I don't understand this. It doesn't sound like she knows the children that terribly well -- why does she want them to stay over? Does she have any idea about their routine, etc? Is she up for getting up in the middle of the night if someone has a bad dream or a tummy ache? Does she really remember what taking care of kids entails?

 

Having them stay with her alone sounds like an unquestionably bad idea, even apart from the boyfriend. But now that I think about it, maybe there's something else going that might be worth exploring. Is it possible that she doesn't come to visit more often because it's getting difficult for her to drive? Does she have health problems? If she's actually trying to reach out, but just in a misguided way, are there other more plausible ways to facilitate her being more involved with the kids?

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I would not let my kids spend the night anywhere unless I was 100% comfortable with it, and that includes a relative's house.

:iagree: But am wondering why the McD's toys upset you? Are they in poor condition or dirty? Many of them are collectible from an eBay point of view decades from now even out of the bag. $$$

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If you aren't comfortable, say no and don't feel guilty about it. Time with grandkids is not currency to be distributed equally among grandparents.

 

But am wondering why the McD's toys upset you? Are they in poor condition or dirty? Many of them are collectible from an eBay point of view decades from now even out of the bag. $$$

 

[rant]Not the OP, but it drives me batty when people give my kids little plastic toys. Collector's items or not, we don't have room for them, and I'm not about to pack them away hoping they'll be worth something someday. The sheer volume and number of toys in our house is driving my DH and I insane and it must STOP. No more stuff![/rant]

Edited by jplain
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Oh thanks so much y'all!! :) I feel so much better about this just reading through your posts. You have all given me SO much to think about & explore...

 

Some further thoughts:

 

This is not the 1st time they've asked for the kids to come stay. We've always managed to deflect their requests one way or another. My husband was completely against them going the last time she asked but I know when I mention her asking again, he will feel pressured to say yes (or give an explanation why not, or else we'll just look like meanies :glare:)

 

MIL is a hospice nurse & worked in the state-run NICU for 13 years before hospice--I have no doubt she could properly care for the kids, I just worry about all the "what-ifs", yk?

 

She's not even in her 50s yet, I don't think, and is in decent health.

 

DH & I lived together (with Braden in tow!) 6 months before we were married so that excuse (or whatever) would never fly. :tongue_smilie:

 

I think the reason she doesn't come visit more often is her work schedule. She works nights, and almost every night (sometimes 6-7 nights a week--every once in a while she'll take a weekend off). And she's 45 minutes away, so that's 1.5hrs travel time during the time she's supposed to be sleeping, not including the time she spends here with the kids, yk?

 

She was also having car trouble a few months ago, but I think that's been fixed now. For the longest time she was telling me she didn't want to come to the kids games because if she cut her car off it wasn't reliable enough to crank back up if it hadn't set for over 2 hours. :confused: This was my main reason for her not getting the kids the last time she asked--if she didn't have a reliable car, I didn't want her having them in case there was an emergency.

 

I hate that I don't know more about her bf because he does seem like a nice guy (well educated, good job, has kids & grandkids of his own) and I know that saying no continuously makes it look like we think he's a bad guy or something and that's NOT what I want to convey but... at the same time I am my children's ONLY mother, their only protector, and I don't take my job lightly!!!!!

 

Thanks so much for listening guys. :grouphug: At least now maybe I can rationally talk with her about this rather than just sweeping it under the rug or making it seem like something it's not (like the bf's a bad guy).

 

Then again I may just default to hubs because I'm pretty sure he has NO problem being the meanie in this situation. ;)

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Momma alarm or not, you are under no obligation to let your kids stay at your MIL's house, period. Nor do you have an obligation to explain yourself. If you don't want them to stay with her, just say "No thank you." If you feel some kind of explanation is necessary or would help, you can say, "We think it is too far away." (Which is true.)

 

Cat

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:iagree: But am wondering why the McD's toys upset you? Are they in poor condition or dirty? Many of them are collectible from an eBay point of view decades from now even out of the bag. $$$

 

Ah, they're just junky! ;) I let the kids play with them for a day or two and trash'em. The novelty wears off quickly and I feel like she gives them as a "gift" to pay for her lack of BEING in their lives. :glare:

 

It just irks me.

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Forget the drama, just looking at your kid's ages I would say no for the 3 and 1 year old. The 10 year old, yes in some situations, but for him I would say no because of the boyfriend since it sounds like you do not know him well.

 

This is exactly what I was going to say.

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I just don't know if I need to just suck it up and let them go, or if my mama alarm is going off for a reason?

 

I never ignore the mama alarm - that is a God-given gift. The answer would be a swift, "No." There are SO many things in your post that would already be an automatic NO - listen to what you know inside. That alarm is there for a reason.

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I've had to tell my MIl that our ds would not be spending the nite with her before. It hurt her feelings and she kept making the already hard situation more uncomfortable by asking, "why, don't you trust me.?" We didn't because she likes to over-indulge in her vino on a nightly basis, which is fine but not when she has my kid in her care.

 

Stick hard and stick fast to your initial reaction-it usually never fails you ;)

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OP - If I were in your situation, I would say no to my MIL. You don't feel comfortable allowing your kids to stay overnight with her and that is what matters. She also has a live-in boyfriend that you do not seem to know well enough to trust with your children. I always choose caution and gut instinct when it comes to the safety of children.

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Well all the awful stories that hit the papers seem to revolve around family members' wacky boyfriends/girlfriends. I don't care how old he is. He's an unknown quantity. If you wouldn't trust him with your engagement ring or your car, why would you trust him with your kids?

 

I hope you're only bringing it up for the sake of conversation and are not seriously considering it!

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I wouldn't let them go if I felt uncomfortable at all, and in your circumstances I know I WOULD feel uncomfortable. Perhaps if you could get to know the bf better, you might feel easier about it, but it's definitely better to be safe than sorry.

 

I know exactly what you mean about the toys. My kids aunt goes to McD's and buys the entire collection of their toys fairly often and brings them a big bag of them. She doesn't buy the Happy Meals, just a big pile of toys. Of course the kids like getting them, but they can't play with that many at one time, and they throw them all over the place or break them and I end up trashing them. It is such a waste of her money and my time.

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Oh thanks so much y'all!! :) I feel so much better about this just reading through your posts. You have all given me SO much to think about & explore...

 

Some further thoughts:

 

This is not the 1st time they've asked for the kids to come stay. We've always managed to deflect their requests one way or another. My husband was completely against them going the last time she asked but I know when I mention her asking again, he will feel pressured to say yes (or give an explanation why not, or else we'll just look like meanies :glare:)

 

MIL is a hospice nurse & worked in the state-run NICU for 13 years before hospice--I have no doubt she could properly care for the kids, I just worry about all the "what-ifs", yk?

 

She's not even in her 50s yet, I don't think, and is in decent health.

 

DH & I lived together (with Braden in tow!) 6 months before we were married so that excuse (or whatever) would never fly. :tongue_smilie:

 

I think the reason she doesn't come visit more often is her work schedule. She works nights, and almost every night (sometimes 6-7 nights a week--every once in a while she'll take a weekend off). And she's 45 minutes away, so that's 1.5hrs travel time during the time she's supposed to be sleeping, not including the time she spends here with the kids, yk?

 

She was also having car trouble a few months ago, but I think that's been fixed now. For the longest time she was telling me she didn't want to come to the kids games because if she cut her car off it wasn't reliable enough to crank back up if it hadn't set for over 2 hours. :confused: This was my main reason for her not getting the kids the last time she asked--if she didn't have a reliable car, I didn't want her having them in case there was an emergency.

 

I hate that I don't know more about her bf because he does seem like a nice guy (well educated, good job, has kids & grandkids of his own) and I know that saying no continuously makes it look like we think he's a bad guy or something and that's NOT what I want to convey but... at the same time I am my children's ONLY mother, their only protector, and I don't take my job lightly!!!!!

 

Thanks so much for listening guys. :grouphug: At least now maybe I can rationally talk with her about this rather than just sweeping it under the rug or making it seem like something it's not (like the bf's a bad guy).

 

Then again I may just default to hubs because I'm pretty sure he has NO problem being the meanie in this situation. ;)

 

It does sound like she wants to be more involved with the kids but has a lot of constraints. Can you all visit her? Perhaps DH could take some or all of the kids and go visit her for the day? (Win-win!)

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Forget the drama, just looking at your kid's ages I would say no for the 3 and 1 year old. The 10 year old, yes in some situations, but for him I would say no because of the boyfriend since it sounds like you do not know him well.
:iagree:Exactly what I was about to type, but Jean beat me to it.
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I would say no. However, in your situation, I might say yes if I came along, too. That way I could protect my kids. I've done that plenty of times, though not with relatives because we haven't lived near any relatives for 22 years.

 

I would not let the 10 yo be alone with the boyfriend. I would not let anyone I didn't know very well be alone with any of the kids, in fact.

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I think the reason she doesn't come visit more often is her work schedule. She works nights, and almost every night (sometimes 6-7 nights a week--every once in a while she'll take a weekend off). And she's 45 minutes away, so that's 1.5hrs travel time during the time she's supposed to be sleeping, not including the time she spends here with the kids, yk?

So would she be working whilst the kids were staying?

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Forget the drama, just looking at your kid's ages I would say no for the 3 and 1 year old. The 10 year old, yes in some situations, but for him I would say no because of the boyfriend since it sounds like you do not know him well.

 

:iagree:

 

And the 10 year old cannot go because you don't know the boyfriend well enough. You're not crazy at all.

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Alayna, that's an easy NO for me, and we have no problem leaving our children with responsible people. Strange man in the house, too easy for something not great to happen, NO. Grandma with commitment issues, um NO.

 

I would try to find a time when she can come stay with you for a night. Maybe even make it special for your kids, that they get to stay up late with GRandma, since it's her usual schedule. Sorry Grandma is a flake!

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