Who was rude? Ds or Hostess? Or Both?

[regentrude]

that good manners dictate taking smallish portions when there are a lot of people are you aren't sure how far the food will go.

 

I think it is the host's responsibility to make sure that there is enough food - not by rationing what the guests can eat, but by preparing enough.

I would not expect my guests having to be careful not to take too much food. (Unless we were visting in a country where food is scarce - not the case in the US)

[eternalknot]

Well, the hostess was off, but I'd feel less inclined to be offended since you said this was a *family* event, and I'm assuming she was a family member. I tend to give family members more leeway as far as things like correcting the dc. In my family, all the adults feel free to correct all the children, and all the children expect it.

 

 

:iagree: -- our family dynamic would not consider the aunt's behavior as rude, but boy ... I'd sure be annoyed at how she publically embarassed him. I'd have said so, too, publically. That kind of thing flies in my family, though.

 

I agree with the poster a few pages back who suggested the aunt was acting out of fear (that she offered too little), so perhaps didn't handle it as delicately as she could have and maybe normally - hopefully - would have.

 

I don't think the boy was intentionally rude, just perhaps unaware. He's an 11 year old boy, after all. These are the opportunities to learn these things so that when he is an adult ... he isn't rude by taking so many slices on his first pass. Even if he'll eat them all. Even if he's hungry. Even if you're a way better hostess for actually planning enough food for everyone to eat.

 

FWIW, my family is very large and we have a similar monthly lunch to celebrate everyone's birthdays. It gets expensive, and maybe moreso than usual everyone is pinching pennies. I wonder if auntie tried to take a few shortcuts - freaked when it wasn't panning out her way - and maybe won't make that mistake again in the future. I know it's happened that way in my extended family, at least. We're all up in each other's business and know each other's finances, but some of my siblings married people less inclined to share that information (even with family) so they're usually trying to be sneaky* about pinching pennies.

 

*Sneaky isn't the right word - discreet, I think is better. Or is it discrete? Ugh. I don't know. Fill in whichever you think is correct LOL.

[Melissa in Australia]

What if it was cake? Would you be upset if the aunt had told him off for filling his plate up with three pieces?

if I had a dinner, with heaps of guests and there was a boy that pushed to the front of the line and took heaps of meat I would tell him to stop being greedy. Perhaps the aunt had noted his behavior over several family meals and had had enough of his greed? I don't know the complete situation though. I think an Aunt is close enough to family to pull a boy up for being greedy, especially at her own house.

 

I know I had a family visiting for afternoon tea once, I had made two cakes. I was always brought up that you take one slice only and then leave the rest unless you were asked if you would like more. this family ( homeschooled) just dove into the cake. Their hands were filthy, they had being playing with the ducks, not only did they grab a piece of cake in each hand, but they started scraping their fingers all over the plate to get the icing that was clinging. I was so shocked by their bad manners that I said don't do that. They all paused and looked at me with a WHY expression on their face. Their parents even looked at me shocked. Then their father said they should have washed their hands before liking the plate???? It really made me realize that some people have vastly different ideas of what is appropriate and what isn't.

[LauraGB]

She was rude. He was thoughtless (as children typically are).

 

 

 

Yep. Kid is forgiven as he is still learning (now he knows). Hostess is at fault because she shoudl have already cultivated manners.

[Ginevra]

t is rude to put food out and then make it known that this food is basically just for looking. I don't understand that part

 

Well, let me explain that, because I'm sure that does sound very strange. When the announcement arrived, "Okay, dinners on, come eat!" there were two meatloaves already sliced and plated, with a third sitting nearby beneath foil. About halfway through people plating their food, my BIL sliced up the meat that was waiting because most of the meat was gone. The aunt said, "There is another meatloaf in the oven, but I want to give it to [a friend who had a death in her family]." So, it wasn't really sitting there like "TA-DAH!" but there was one more back-up if it was really necessary.

[Ginevra]

What if it was cake? Would you be upset if the aunt had told him off for filling his plate up with three pieces?

if I had a dinner, with heaps of guests and there was a boy that pushed to the front of the line and took heaps of meat I would tell him to stop being greedy. Perhaps the aunt had noted his behavior over several family meals and had had enough of his greed? I don't know the complete situation though. I think an Aunt is close enough to family to pull a boy up for being greedy, especially at her own house.

 

Cake is not normally distributed in the same fashion, so that wouldn't happen and he would know 3 pieces of cake was abnormal. He didn't push to the front of the line. I hear people here saying that normally adults go first and others saying normally youngers go first. In our family it is more the latter, but there's not really any rule about it. Perhaps, like you, the Aunt does think a child taking as much food as they expect to eat rates as greed; I guess that would explain her indignation. However, I generally don't. If we were somewhere in which food was scarce, I might see it differently, but we're not, so I don't.

[BakersDozen]

I would have been fine with a family member correcting my ds. Our dc do not go first in a line for food, period. If one of my dc did that and I missed what they were doing (taking too much food the first time through) I'd be thankful someone else caught it. She didn't need to do it loudly however I would rather it be done loudly than not at all. Plus it may have sent a message to others in line whose manners were less than stellar.

 

I detest seeing kids (teens especially) get to the front of the line and hog the food, then head directly for the dessert table and do the same. It is so rude.

[tex-mex]

Both were rude, but she gets the call-out, because a good hostess NEVER treats her guests in a humiliating way!

Maybe she was secretly worried that she was serving skimpy amts of food--sounds like a fear reaction on her part.

:iagree:

[Rebecca VA]

I can't imagine how three meatloaves were supposed to feed 28 people.

 

Truly, if the aunt was having trouble getting together enough food, some of the ladies in the group should have brought a dish or two to help out. That's what is done in almost every social situation I'm familiar with. People *always* ask if more food will be needed and what they can bring to help out.

 

I'm honestly shocked at how rude some of the replies have been about your aunt. She overreacted, but your son did need some correction. I'd forgive and forget and be done with it.

[silliness7]

At first I was envisioning something like 3 thin slices of ham or 3 kind of hunks of roast beef...because when I cook roast beef it doesn't slice. There are just these small-sized hunks.

 

Anyway, I do think 3 slices of meatloaf is an insane amount of meatloaf. But this is coming from a woman whose kids wouldn't eat one bite of the stuff. :glare: But I'm also learning (going on 17 years now) that male people actually eat more than ONE sandwich at lunch time. The males in my family only ate one sandwich but my dh can put away the sandwiches and ds follows right in his footsteps.

 

So if your aunt is coming from the one sandwich mentality and your household is at a 2+ sandwich mentality, things could get messy.

 

I thought the cake analogy earlier was a good one. Who would take more than one piece of cake? That just seems obnoxious. But those unwritten rules can be confusing for an 11yo because it's perfectly o.k. to take 2-3 cookies.

 

I would be so thrilled if my children actually went through a buffet and put actual food on their plate. I do have to caution them on pizza buffets. They think it's pretty funny to see who can eat the most pizza. NOT a good game when someone else is providing the pizza. And my dad (one sandwich man) happens to think that one piece of pizza is a perfectly acceptable for himself and his guests. His pizza parties are not fun. :tongue_smilie:

[tex-mex]

 

I detest seeing kids (teens especially) get to the front of the line and hog the food, then head directly for the dessert table and do the same. It is so rude.

Many homes where a potluck is held have the adults go first due to this factor. As a child, my family and relatives had the men go first, kids second, and wives last with the cleanup (with lots of wine or cold duck). LOL

[Melissa in Australia]

Cake is not normally distributed in the same fashion, so that wouldn't happen and he would know 3 pieces of cake was abnormal. He didn't push to the front of the line. I hear people here saying that normally adults go first and others saying normally youngers go first. In our family it is more the latter, but there's not really any rule about it. Perhaps, like you, the Aunt does think a child taking as much food as they expect to eat rates as greed; I guess that would explain her indignation. However, I generally don't. If we were somewhere in which food was scarce, I might see it differently, but we're not, so I don't.

 

I would just like to point out that you asked people to post if they thought your son was rude. Shouting at me doesn't change my opinion.

If you don't like it when someone replies that they think he was ( by the limited information provided) then I suggest you don't ask for other peoples opinions.

 

I have 3 teen boys. They can eat a huge amount of food. That doesn't mean they should be allowed to eat as much as they want is appropriate.

[amydavis]

It is rude to put food out and then make it known that this food is basically just for looking. I don't understand that part. :confused:

 

A 2 lb. meatloaf just barely serves my family of 6 at this point. It doesn't sound like she served nearly enough meatloaf, given the amount of people present (and especially if she were expecting nobody to touch the fourth tray of meat).

 

:iagree:

One large meatloaf will feed my family of 6, but without leftovers. Additionally, I would need a good portion of two sides. So, in my opinion, she definitely did not have enough food. I would have wanted 1 meatloaf for every five people. So, I would have made at least 6 of them, with plenty of sides. But, I always plan on having more than enough. I know how the men and teens eat in my family (immediate and extended). My biggest fear, when hosting a gathering, is running out of food. I'd rather have meatloaf for the next two days, than risk running out or making people feel as if they couldn't eat enough to get full.

[BigMamaBird]

It may have been the teensiest bit thoughtless to take 3 slices, but an 11 year old boy thinks with his stomach and should be cut some slack. It would have been more proper for the hostess say in a lower tone, "oh my! You must be a growing boy! Could you just take two slices and come back for seconds later?"

That would be more respectful and polite.

[tearose]

The aunt was rude. If this is a regular thing that rotates through the family, she should have a good idea as to how much food the extended family goes through. Are there usually a few people who don't RSVP but show up? Personally, I think that a hostess should always cook for slightly more people than she expects, just to make sure that everyone is satisfied. If twenty extra people showed up, then her panic is a little more understandable. Also, if she had been really worried about whether there was enough meatloaf to go around, she could have sliced and served it herself as people came around.

 

That said, I'd probably tell your dc to just take one piece or something like that in the future and then get seconds. And maybe also advise them to go through the buffet line after a couple people have gone through (this one is kind of hard in my family, though, since everyone tells everyone else to go first and usually the kids are the only ones who can't tell someone else to go first).

[CarolfromIL]

I can't imagine how three meatloaves were supposed to feed 28 people.

 

Truly, if the aunt was having trouble getting together enough food, some of the ladies in the group should have brought a dish or two to help out. That's what is done in almost every social situation I'm familiar with. People *always* ask if more food will be needed and what they can bring to help out.

 

I'm honestly shocked at how rude some of the replies have been about your aunt. She overreacted, but your son did need some correction. I'd forgive and forget and be done with it.

 

:iagree: This poor Aunt has received little kindness from this board in cooking this meal, and having a child eat a disproportionate amount of food, not allowing the others to eat. I would start by using this as a teaching moment for the child and explain family buffet etiquette. Also, to clear the air with the Aunt, I would think about having your son, your self and your Aunt sit down to "put the monkey on the table" so to speak...clearing the air. Maybe even bring flowers of appreciation for your aunt!!!!

[unsinkable]

Might I defend the meatloaf??!!??

 

I have seen recipes that range from 1 lb of meat to 2 1/2 lbs of meat.

 

And I bet there are other meatloaf recipes that call for more or less meat. :lol:

 

We have NO WAY of knowing how much each of dear Aunt's meatloaves serves.

[unsinkable]

:iagree: This poor Aunt has received little kindness from this board in cooking this meal, and having a child eat a disproportionate amount of food, not allowing the others to eat. I would start by using this as a teaching moment for the child and explain family buffet etiquette. Also, to clear the air with the Aunt, I would think about having your son, your self and your son sit down to "put the monkey on the table" so to speak...clearing the air.

 

No one said that the 11 year old boy took so much food that others were denied food.

 

:confused:

[Pretty in Pink]

So if your aunt is coming from the one sandwich mentality and your household is at a 2+ sandwich mentality, things could get messy.

 

I thought the cake analogy earlier was a good one. Who would take more than one piece of cake? That just seems obnoxious. But those unwritten rules can be confusing for an 11yo because it's perfectly o.k. to take 2-3 cookies

 

This is a *very* good point. I think that different households do have different ideas about what constitutes a serving and what constitutes good manners (given the scenario of children licking the cake plate in someone else's home...:001_huh:). In our home I automatically plate two fairly sturdy (1/2"+ thick) slices of meatloaf per person, except for my two year old (he starts with one slice). BUT, it's my family and I know how much they will eat! LOL

 

If we were eating in another home and the slices were thinner, I can totally imagine my 12yo asking for (or taking) an extra slice to bring the serving size up to what he is accustomed to receiving at home.

[unsinkable]

This is a *very* good point. I think that different households do have different ideas about what constitutes a serving and what constitutes good manners (given the scenario of children licking the cake plate in someone else's home...:001_huh:). In our home I automatically plate two fairly sturdy (1/2"+ thick) slices of meatloaf per person, except for my two year old (he starts with one slice). BUT, it's my family and I know how much they will eat! LOL

 

If we were eating in another home and the slices were thinner, I can totally imagine my 12yo asking for (or taking) an extra slice to bring the serving size up to what he is accustomed to receiving at home.

 

DH & I have this joke at my fav Mexican restaurant. They have such good flan that when I am done, I look at him and ask, "It's wrong to lick the plate, right?"

 

:tongue_smilie: <--------- me wanting to lick the flan plate

[hsmom]

My opinion is the aunt was rude.

 

I never would tell a child of any age they could not have as much as they wanted. If the child is going to eat, then by all means let that growing child eat. It is not like it was 3 full plates of chocolate cake or something.

 

In my family children always go first. It has always been that way. I was raised that way and raise my children this way.

[CarolfromIL]

No one said that the 11 year old boy took so much food that others were denied food.

 

:confused:

 

 

How do you know that if the Aunt did not remove the Meatloaf from the 11 year olds plate that people would not be denied food? Clearly she was worried that he was eating over his allocation. :confused:

[unsinkable]

How do you know that if the Aunt did not remove the Meatloaf from the 11 year olds plate that people would not be denied food? Clearly she was worried that he was eating over his allocation. :confused:

 

How do you know he did? :confused:

 

You assumed a fact not in the original post, not me.

[Joy at Home]

What if it was cake? Would you be upset if the aunt had told him off for filling his plate up with three pieces?

if I had a dinner, with heaps of guests and there was a boy that pushed to the front of the line and took heaps of meat I would tell him to stop being greedy. Perhaps the aunt had noted his behavior over several family meals and had had enough of his greed? I don't know the complete situation though. I think an Aunt is close enough to family to pull a boy up for being greedy, especially at her own house.

 

I know I had a family visiting for afternoon tea once, I had made two cakes. I was always brought up that you take one slice only and then leave the rest unless you were asked if you would like more. this family ( homeschooled) just dove into the cake. Their hands were filthy, they had being playing with the ducks, not only did they grab a piece of cake in each hand, but they started scraping their fingers all over the plate to get the icing that was clinging. I was so shocked by their bad manners that I said don't do that. They all paused and looked at me with a WHY expression on their face. Their parents even looked at me shocked. Then their father said they should have washed their hands before liking the plate???? It really made me realize that some people have vastly different ideas of what is appropriate and what isn't.

 

 

Really?:confused:

 

Lisa

[CarolfromIL]

How do you know he did? :confused:

 

You assumed a fact not in the original post, not me.

 

I am offering kind advice based on love and would appreciate you not being so rude and confrontational. If I misinterpreted part of the story, I offer 1000 apologies to you! :grouphug:

[Danestress]

This is why in our family, the generation of women who have kids in the house are in charge of the food. We have found that the older ladies just have no clue how much food to cook. My Mom will host 12 people are make 8 servings of rice and a few small sides. And she feels terrible and stressed when she realizes that it's not enough, but she's just out of the practice of daily cooking for a crew of people. She's been cooking for two and then one for 25 years.

 

I cook enormous amounts of food for my three young men. When I take them to family events, I tend to feed them a lot before we go, because most people forget what teens eat. And honestly, my DH eats a lot.

 

I don't think this woman is so much "rude" in the amount of food she cooked as she just probably was just mistaken and then very stressed about it. Part of being a good guest is making things smooth for your hostess. When it becomes obvious that there is clearly not enough food, then the corporate plan has to be to eat very small amounts very slowly and then sigh about how stuffed you are. And next time, be the host or bring the food.

 

I think it is the host's responsibility to make sure that there is enough food - not by rationing what the guests can eat, but by preparing enough.

I would not expect my guests having to be careful not to take too much food. (Unless we were visting in a country where food is scarce - not the case in the US)

Edited March 28, 2011 by Danestress

[Ginevra]

How do you know that if the Aunt did not remove the Meatloaf from the 11 year olds plate that people would not be denied food? Clearly she was worried that he was eating over his allocation. :confused:

 

Well, she did put the extra slice on her own plate. ;)

 

I would just like to point out that you asked people to post if they thought your son was rude. Shouting at me doesn't change my opinion.

If you don't like it when someone replies that they think he was ( by the limited information provided) then I suggest you don't ask for other peoples opinions.

 

I have 3 teen boys. They can eat a huge amount of food. That doesn't mean they should be allowed to eat as much as they want is appropriate.

 

I'm not shouting at you. :confused: I was bolding the terms that you used. "Pushed to the front of the line" does call up an image that I would consider extremely rude. Being in the front of the line is not rude and, as I said, families have their own sort of tacit rules about how this works. I don't control food much beyond making it and expecting that my kids eat what I fix. As long as we are not in a position to have to ration it, they can eat as much or as little as they like. Although, as I have said, I do plan to remind him to tone it down on the first go-around in the future.

[snickelfritz]

In my family children always go first. It has always been that way. I was raised that way and raise my children this way

 

Us, too. BUT, the first time through everyone takes a single portion of the main course AND single portions of sides/ bread/ etc.....

 

After everyone has been served, it's pretty much open season for what you want to go back for.

 

The issues come from the kids who will ONLY eat meat or ONLY eat Macaroni and cheese. If their parents allow it, that's fine, but that doesn't mean they get to go through first and fill up a plate with their one choice and leave none for anyone else. Anyone eating a variety of foods will have no problem getting enough to eat.

 

Is a hostess really required to provide 3+ servings of meat per person? Or isn't it assumed most people will nicely round it out with bread/veggies/ salad/ dessert etc.... so that no one leaves hungry. That's how I plan.

 

They were both rude, her more so, due to her age. My parents ( who usually host) often quietly instruct a grandchild in etiquette without embarrassing them.

[Ginevra]

Might I defend the meatloaf??!!??

 

I have seen recipes that range from 1 lb of meat to 2 1/2 lbs of meat.

 

And I bet there are other meatloaf recipes that call for more or less meat.

 

FTR, we didn't run out with people left over. It's possible that people later in the line chose less than they might have if Auntie had given over the "saved for later" loaf. ;) But nobody was milling around with an empty plate.

[unsinkable]

I am offering kind advice based on love and would appreciate you not being so rude and confrontational. If I misinterpreted part of the story, I offer 1000 apologies to you! :grouphug:

 

I feel I offended you. It was not my intention to be rude and confrontational at all. I am sorry.

 

I thought we were exchanging mutual confused smilies.

 

:grouphug:

[Ellie]

I would have been fine with a family member correcting my ds. Our dc do not go first in a line for food, period. If one of my dc did that and I missed what they were doing (taking too much food the first time through) I'd be thankful someone else caught it. She didn't need to do it loudly; however, I would rather it be done loudly than not at all. Plus it may have sent a message to others in line whose manners were less than stellar.

 

I detest seeing kids (teens especially) get to the front of the line and hog the food, then head directly for the dessert table and do the same. It is so rude.

:iagree:

[2cents]

I think it is good manners to only take one serving (no matter how much is avail). If there are any leftovers after everyone else has been served AND if invited to have more, then taking another serving would be ok. It sounds like the hostess miscalculated her food and panicked when she saw a larger serving. IMO she could have handled it discreetly but she may have been a little stressed out after planning a meal and realizing she may not have enough food for everyone. I wouldn't hold it against her. ;)

[OrganicAnn]

In our family 1 slice of meatloaf is a normal amount. So if we saw someone taking 3 slices, it would appear that was excessive. Now if someone was still hungry after 1 slice, they would be welcome to more. Even 3rds or 4ths. But we are very much a philosophy of "eat one serving and then if you still want more, that's okay" - especially if it was a buffet.

 

I will also say that we have teen cousins that will fill their plates and end up throw away most of it. I don't know what is wrong with these kids. I think they are just picky, because they will take one bite of a big serving on their plate and that's it. They will throw their plate away, get a new one and fill with different stuff. What a waste of food.

 

I think the aunt could have handled it better.

[TCB]

I would never want to humiliate a nephew or niece of mine so I think that was rude or unkind.

 

But-- I do feel it is my responsibility to watch what my children are doing at parties etc and making sure that they use good manners.

[5kidsforME]

Shopping carts...

Shoes on or off....

 

Who knew meatloaf would be next?!? :lol:

[TCB]

Might I defend the meatloaf??!!??

 

Now that was really funny :D !

[Daisy]

I would have been unhappy with my child.

 

I would have been slightly embarrassed that the hostess felt the need to do what I would have done had I been paying attention. Whether the hostess was rude or not, I wouldn't consider my place to presume. I only need to teach my own child manners.

 

My kids know better than to be first in line. They also know better than to take more than one scoop or one slice of anything on the buffet the first time around. I don't care if they are starving. They know I'll feed them more later if there is not enough food to go around.

 

I'm willing to acknowledge though that families all have different traditions. As a preacher's kid it was drilled in me not to first in line at the church potluck & not to act like a starving street urchin (LOL) so I guess that has carried through to our own children.

Edited March 28, 2011 by Daisy

[katilac]

I think that taking one serving at first is a good rule, but NO ONE in my family would consider a single slice of meatloaf to be a serving! Apparently, we eat a lot. :tongue_smilie:

 

We don't have any sort of rules about who goes first, or what amount to take, at family get-togethers. We are all southern born and bred, and would be utterly mortified to run out of food at any event, so there's always a ridiculous amount.

 

Aunts and uncles can correct children in my family, but they can't 'fuss' or yell or embarrass. It wouldn't occur to any of us to correct anyone for taking more food than we think appropriate. Unspoken rules vary, but I don't know anyone who would consider three slices of meat to be a ridiculous amount of food anyway. If I planned poorly and feared running out of food, I would quietly tell dh and kids to not eat any meatloaf until we were sure we had enough.

 

At child-centered events, such as a reception following a performance or class, the children should go first,imo, b/c the celebration is for them. Likewise, the honorees at any other event. It's easy enough to make a quick announcement at community events, but thirty people, all family? I wouldn't rock the boat if there's a strong tradition of doing it a certain way, but I don't think set rules are needed in general.

[My3Monkeys]

 

My kids know better than to be first in line.

 

But who IS supposed to go first, if going first is considered rude?

 

In our family, kids and older adults who are having their plates fixed for them go first. After that, everyone mills around trying to get someone else to go first until the host shoves a plate at someone and makes them line up. Everyone is so concerned with not jumping in line that NOBODY wants to get in line.

[Daisy]

But who IS supposed to go first, if going first is considered rude?

 

In our family, kids and older adults who are having their plates fixed for them go first. After that, everyone mills around trying to get someone else to go first until the host shoves a plate at someone and makes them line up. Everyone is so concerned with not jumping in line that NOBODY wants to get in line.

 

In our family tradition it has always been elderly (grandparents; the older generation) and women needing to fix plates for small children who go first.

 

The same was true at our church.

 

The same goes for the dessert table. The dessert table is opened first to the older generation and then to the children.

[IsabelC]

I think that regardless of the meat situation or your son's actions, the hostess's reaction was rude. If she needed to take action, she could have done it in a respectful way, such as quietly requesting that he take a little less instead of grabbing it from his plate and telling him off loudly. As the hostess, I would suddenly 'not feel like' any meatloaf myself, in preference to humiliating a guest. But as the parent, I'd also be reminding my son to take a modest amount next time (or, if he's not able to gauge what seems reasonable, wait until after all others have served themselves, then go for it.)

 

Still, it's surprising how many adults can be seen acting like pigs at a buffet, either taking huge portions, or grabbing heaps of the most gourmet/expensive/desirable bits of food, or coming back for seconds before everyone has been offered something. I don't know whether it's because times are hard and people love free food, or because few people are taught basic manners by their parents anymore, or what? (And I'm not casting stones, because my kids are pretty bad with table manners and need constant reminding.)

Edited March 28, 2011 by Hotdrink

[Rosy]

She definitely could have handled it better, but personally I tend to concern myself more with my kids' behavior than the behavior of others. It would be important to me to teach my kids to consider the needs of others when serving themselves and, if the culture allowed them to be first in line, to take a moderate amount of food and go back for seconds later or eat a sandwich at home after the event.

 

I have been in the position where I prepared enough food for the group I was serving, but no extra. In that situation it would be ideal for the hostess to discreetly serve everyone or casually comment, "we have just enough for everyone to have one slice...but help yourself to as much bread as you'd like!" Kids will often take way more than they end up eating, so if they haven't been taught to take an appropriate amount I think a hostess is well within her rights to gently correct them.

 

We have buffet-style dinners every week with our church's young adults ministry, and we have to watch the table carefully to make sure some of the 19-year-old boys don't take too much...it happens all the time. :P

[Julie in CA]

I have 3 teenage sons. They (and my 6'5" dh) can eat more in one sitting than I would have imagined anyone could! :001_huh:

 

With that in mind, I have taught *all* of my dc that they are absolutely *not*ever* to serve themselves before other people. If need be, my ds's have offered to serve their grandmas or aunts, or escort them to the front of the line. It's part of our faith tradition to serve others before ourselves, and I taught them that from the beginning. It's no different than them holding a door for someone else rather than going through and letting it close on the person behind them.

 

It's also been necessary for me to remind them over the years that they are *not* to take more than a minimal serving of a main dish and a couple of sides. If there's more food at the end, and it's clear that the hostess would welcome people taking seconds, then they may take more. I've explained to my dc that if they are so hungry that they think they might be unable to serve others first, that they should have a snack beforehand, because the purpose of a shared meal is more about the fellowship than the food.

 

So...I guess that's my long way of saying that it's important to me to teach children to put others first, honoring and serving whenever they can. Had I been at the meal, (I'm sorry) but it would have passed through my mind that your ds was being rude, and pretty selfish. I would be okay with an auntie correcting my dc, though I would have wished it to be less public. I'd explain to my dc that I had made a mistake in not teaching them about the buffet thing earlier, and tell them what other people may expect in that situation. I'd also ignore my unhappiness with the aunt, forget what happened, and do my best to let the whole thing go.

 

Still, I'm sorry that whole thing happened to you and your ds, and also the aunt. She must have been under some stress, and perhaps you can use that fact to help get past her overreaction. :grouphug:

[Koerarmoca]

I didn't read all the responses. I would say it was only rude of your son if

a. some sort of "just take one or two until everyone is served" type of announcement was made

b. you have previously made your son aware of the "unwritten rules" of buffet style eating.

 

She was rude on all levels, and obviously poorly planned the event. RSVPs or not she should of planned enough for all who where invited and then some. I also find it very tacky to single a child out like that and we would be having some words in the near future.

 

on the mom level you may want to go along with him at the next event just to keep an eye on the portions so you can use the teaching moment. As in, "this is what you would take first time through and then when everyone has eaten you can go back and get the same amount again and maybe even a 3rd time"

 

My kids are piglets. Last time we had a family dinner my oldest ate so much she puked in the middle of the living room. Now that's a party :lol: I do all the plate fixing 1st round. Then I eat when everyone is pretty much done and served. I got used to cold food a long time ago. I am generally the only one with a load of kids with me my sister is the only other one to have small children and she isn't very social with the rest of the family.

[Liz CA]

I think it's horrendous to embarrass someone (child or not) loudly in front of others. Admonish in private, praise in public!

So he is a hearty eater. I don't even feel it's rude of him even though it's a buffet but I really think the adult aunt was rude beyond belief. She should make sure she has enough food on hand when guests come.

[Celia]

Hostess was rude.

[unsinkable]

What the WTM Board has taught me:

 

Food issues are never only about food.

 

:001_smile:

[Ginevra]

I have 3 teenage sons. They (and my 6'5" dh) can eat more in one sitting than I would have imagined anyone could! :001_huh:

 

With that in mind, I have taught *all* of my dc that they are absolutely *not*ever* to serve themselves before other people. If need be, my ds's have offered to serve their grandmas or aunts, or escort them to the front of the line. It's part of our faith tradition to serve others before ourselves, and I taught them that from the beginning. It's no different than them holding a door for someone else rather than going through and letting it close on the person behind them.

 

It's also been necessary for me to remind them over the years that they are *not* to take more than a minimal serving of a main dish and a couple of sides. If there's more food at the end, and it's clear that the hostess would welcome people taking seconds, then they may take more. I've explained to my dc that if they are so hungry that they think they might be unable to serve others first, that they should have a snack beforehand, because the purpose of a shared meal is more about the fellowship than the food.

 

So...I guess that's my long way of saying that it's important to me to teach children to put others first, honoring and serving whenever they can. Had I been at the meal, (I'm sorry) but it would have passed through my mind that your ds was being rude, and pretty selfish. I would be okay with an auntie correcting my dc, though I would have wished it to be less public. I'd explain to my dc that I had made a mistake in not teaching them about the buffet thing earlier, and tell them what other people may expect in that situation. I'd also ignore my unhappiness with the aunt, forget what happened, and do my best to let the whole thing go.

 

Still, I'm sorry that whole thing happened to you and your ds, and also the aunt. She must have been under some stress, and perhaps you can use that fact to help get past her overreaction. :grouphug:

 

I really appreciate your post and this perspective on serving others. I haven't thought about it before in the context of these dinners because it's more of a "hey, we're all family here" atmosphere, but I may lean towards this in the future.

 

What the WTM Board has taught me:

 

Food issues are never only about food.

 

:001_smile:

 

Aint that the truth?

[bettyandbob]

I haven't read the responses, but I think both had a problem but the host was ruder.

 

I monitored my ds in buffet lines through his tween and early tween years. I knew he was could be greedy with certain foods and teen boys tend to inhale huge amounts of food. Generally he was permitted to take a small serving of a few things and then when everyone had had a chance he could go back and get what he wanted. It was clear early on, if I did not do this he would have overloaded his plate with several slices of roast beef and taken all shrimp, if available.

 

I needed to try to teach my son manners, but it would not have helped my son at all if someone else had humiliated him.

[mysticamethyst]

I don't think your son was rude at all, he is an 11 yo boy with an appetite that goes with it I'll bet. Maybe he did take too much for a first serving but nothing worth a talking too. Has she seen how much an 11 yo boy can eat? Boys can put down some food and starting at a young age.

 

What if you had been first and taken 3 slices of meat would she have treated you in the same mannor? Or worse yet would she have just watched in shock then talked about you behind your back to the rest of the family about how much food you took? It's 3 slices of meat, why would you host a party when you are going to be stressed about 3 slices of meat, either you didn't make enough or buy enough either way no reason for the hostess to put on an ugly face to any guest; no matter the age.

 

Last thought, if its such a big deal how much the children put on their plates why would they be allowed to eat first.

 

Sorry if I sound snippy but I have had to deal with something similar and I just understand people who are ugly to others because they feel like they can be, regardless of age.