Holiday Commandments

[Amy loves Bud]

Puttest thou not raisins in thy cookies, for it is an abomination to my lips.

 

 

 

I posted this in FB earlier, and I believe that it bears repeating. Do you have any holiday commandments? :001_smile:

[Aggie]

Who posted that long list a few years ago? Perhaps it was the old board?

 

Niffercoo?

 

Some of the commandments had to do with how the tree was decorated, where the icicles went, etc. It was hysterical!

 

 

 

I just have one commandment for my poor dh:

 

If thou ordereth a gift for thou wife, expect her to open it whence it arriveth in the mail, as she is expecting gifts for your offspring that she ordereth early in the season. She will still loveth it, and act surprised, though. ;)

[OnTheBrink]

Thou shalt thank the wisher of a merry Christmas regardless of whether thou actually "does" Christmas. Thou shalt choose to not be offended by good-intended greetings.

[Sasharowan]

Puttest thou not raisins in thy cookies, for it is an abomination to my lips.

 

 

 

I posted this in FB earlier, and I believe that it bears repeating. Do you have any holiday commandments? :001_smile:

 

If thy wife chooses her own gift and purchases it so you don't have to go to the mall, at least wrap it for her.

[elegantlion]

Commandment for this year, we're still unpacking:

 

Thou shalt not peer into a box that thou did not pack. Thy bounty of gifts may be hidden within and your eyes may be burned by seeking them out before the coming of the blessed Christmas day.

[Onceuponatime]

*If thou knowest the wife of thy heart needeth long johns, buyest thou not MEN's long johns for thy dearest's Christmas present. (a message I have already sent out into the clueless male universe)

 

*Chocolate is always in good taste.

[Rebel]

Thou shalt thank the wisher of a merry Christmas regardless of whether thou actually "does" Christmas. Thou shalt choose to not be offended by good-intended greetings.

 

I LOVE this one! In that same vein - Thou shalt thank the wisher of a happy holiday regardless of whether thou thinkest the wisher should have said merry Christmas. Thou shalt choose to not be offended by good-intended greetings.

[athena1277]

Thou shalt watch all classic Christmas shows when on TV, even if thou owns them on DVD. :D

[lionfamily1999]

Thou shalt enjoy the Christmas Story marathon and watch it at least three times.

 

Thou shalt worrieth more about thine own self remembering the season and keepething it holy, rather than turning into a snarling Scroogeth over those whom the Spirit has yet to visit.

[Word Nerd]

Thou shalt not pester thy mother every 5 minutes to ask if thou may open a present yet. Just one? Pleeeeeeeeeeease? How about now?

Edited December 18, 2010 by WordGirl

[Impish]

 

1. Thou shalt NOT get thy wife utility gifts. Any household appliance not specifically requested may be used against thee as a weapon (I once watched my mom open an ice scraper in her stocking and use it as a javelin to try and spear my dad with from across the room. Peace on Earth, fa la la la la la...Next year, 2 prs of diamond earrings in her stocking. Yes, he can be taught.)
   
2. Nothing with pee holes. This goes with the previous poster's experience with guy long johns.
   
3. If in doubt, don't. Christmas am is not the time for practical jokes. Seriously. Santa punishes for it, I'm sure.
   
   
4. Jewelery is always a good idea.
   
5. Never, EVER suggest, "Are you gonna make breakfast?" while gifts are still being unwrapped. See 'javelin' in #1.
   
   

 

[Amy loves Bud]

Thou shalt choose to not be offended by good-intended greetings.

 

Selah.

[Carol in Cal.]

Selah.

 

For some reason, this made me laugh out loud!

[Carol in Cal.]

Alloweth thou the communications with my side of the family to be deliver'ed by me. Thou shalt not speak for me with my extended family, or thou wilt surely die. Because thou wilt surely mess it up. And lo! This doom hath cometh upon us already, even upon this day! Beware. Thy doom awaiteth thee.

[stormy weather]

. 

 

[Rivka]

Thou shalt be happy with whatever role thy children are given in the Christmas pageant, for verily I say unto thee: there are no small parts, only small actors.

 

Thou shalt not angle for a bigger pageant role whilst "forgetting" to mention that thou art planning to miss a couple of rehearsals.

[Chelle in MO]

Commandment for this year, we're still unpacking:

 

Thou shalt not peer into a box that thou did not pack. Thy bounty of gifts may be hidden within and your eyes may be burned by seeking them out before the coming of the blessed Christmas day.

 

Hijacking...do I remember you saying that you were moving to MO? Are you here now? Do you mind if I ask what part of MO? PM if you prefer, of course.

 

And if I dreamed that, ignore me! :D

[gardening momma]

Puttest thou not raisins in thy cookies, for it is an abomination to my lips.

I heart this.

[gardening momma]

Thou shalt enjoy the Christmas Story marathon and watch it at least three times.

Hecketh no.

[BeckyFL]

Alloweth thou the communications with my side of the family to be deliver'ed by me. Thou shalt not speak for me with my extended family, or thou wilt surely die. Because thou wilt surely mess it up. And lo! This doom hath cometh upon us already, even upon this day! Beware. Thy doom awaiteth thee.

:lol::lol::lol:

[Xuzi]

Puttest thou not raisins in thy cookies, for it is an abomination to my lips.

 

 

 

I posted this in FB earlier, and I believe that it bears repeating. Do you have any holiday commandments? :001_smile:

My 4 year old would love this one! I made some oatmeal raisin cookies the other day and when I gave him one he took a bite, looked at me, asked if I'd put raisins in it, then put it down like something tainted when I told him that yes, I had put raisins in it. :tongue_smilie:

 

For my kids:

Thou shalt honor the closet of thy father and thy mother, and not sticketh thy nose into it, that thy days may be long upon the earth.

[mattie5]

If thou lookest early upon on thy gift, it shall be given to the sister of thy mother. And much sorrow shalt thou endure in silence

[Carol in Cal.]

Thou shalt be happy with whatever role thy children are given in the Christmas pageant, for verily I say unto thee: there are no small parts, only small actors.

 

Thou shalt not angle for a bigger pageant role whilst "forgetting" to mention that thou art planning to miss a couple of rehearsals.

 

 

And furthermore,

Thou shalt not dose thy verily contagious child with cold medicine and bring them to the rehearsal. Nay, for in the day that thou dost so, thy child shall verily infect all of the other children, the teachers, and the director. Thou shalt not infect thy director, for if she (I) misseth Christmas again because thou hast done this, twere a dark, dark day indeed. Thou shalt not hint about allegies to forestall inquiries about colds. Thou shalt not bring thy sick child at all. Thy sick child canst be in the service lo these many more years. But not this one.

Edited December 19, 2010 by Carol in Cal.

[Kirch]

Thou shalt behave in a seemly fashion in the presence of the Christmas Tree, with neither wrestling nor the tossing of couch cushions, lest thou disturb an ornament and bring the wrath of thy mother down upon thy head.

[OnTheBrink]

hecketh no.

 

amen and amen!

[m0mmaBuck]

Thou shalt not buyest items for thineself during the Christmas season lest you enjoy returning gifts. Whilst I know thy procured said item at a great price, it was on thine wish list and I purchased it for thou prior to thou unauthorized investment.

[Carol in Cal.]

Thou shalt not object to singing Silent Night one more time. The elderly that thou visitest loveth to hear it, and this current one hath not heard it yet, nay, even although thou hast personally heard and sung it lo these many times in other visits this evening. Yea, thou shalt sing it, and smile, even the entire carol, all three verses thereof, with good cheer and a happy heart. Bring into thy remembrance that thou thyself lovest this song, although thou hast forgotten this after thou sangest it the last seven times even upon this very evening. Selah.

Edited December 19, 2010 by Carol in Cal.

[Amy loves Bud]

Thou shalt not object to singing Silent Night one more time. The elderly that thou visitest loveth to hear it, and this current one hath not heard it yet, nay, even although thou hast personally heard and sung it lo these many times in other visits this evening. Yea, thou shalt sing it, and smile, even the entire carol, all three verses thereof, with good cheer and a happy heart. Bring into thy remembrance that thou thyself lovest this song, although thou hast forgotten this after thou sangest it the last seven times even upon this very evening. Selah.

 

:):001_smile:;)

[LibraryLover]

Thou shall utilize the filter that exisits in your brain before what you're thinking springs forth from your pie hole.

[Amy loves Bud]

Thou shall utilize the filter that exisits in your brain before what you're thinking springs forth from your pie hole.

 

This commandment, just like the raisin commandment, is useful year round.

[HollyBee]

Who posted that long list a few years ago? Perhaps it was the old board?

 

Niffercoo?

 

Some of the commandments had to do with how the tree was decorated, where the icicles went, etc. It was hysterical!

 

. ;)

 

I remember seeing this. Anyone know where I could find it? I googled, but I'm not coming up with anything.

 

ETA: Is this it?

 

14 Holiday Commandments

 

• When thou bakest the holiday goodies, thou will treat thyself to some of the goodly ones and not just to the slightly burnt ones that ye would be too embarrassed to giveth unto others.

• Yea, though ye walk through the mall on December 24, ye shall not buy any singing fish, nor any pull-my-finger gags, no matter how desperate thou art to find something for thy brother-in-law.

• When thy child's school doth gear up for another fund-raising sale of holiday wrapping paper, think ye of the thirty-seven unused rolls hiding in your closet -- and buy another five rolls as thou always dost.

• When I regift unto you, and it turns out to be something you gave unto me, lo, these many years ago, just put it away to give unto me again next year. Have faith in this most venerable truth: I will never remember.

• When I writest the holiday newsletter and proclaim that I have been asked to sing with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, refrain from recalling my memorable turn massacring "Like a Virgin" at the high school talent show.

• Nor will ye tie onto thy animals reindeer antlers or bells that doth jingle. Thine husband, however, art fair game.

• Thou shalt not partake in the wearing of the matching mother-daughter outfits until someone figures out how to make the mother not looketh like a veritable idiot.

• Thou shalt not wear holiday-theme sweaters. Verily, no Santas, Rudolphs, snowmen, nor elves. Especially elves.

• When thou deck the halls, I say unto you, the tinsel must be placed one strand at a time. Except when thine husband turns his back, then ye may throw it on in clumps and no shame shall be upon ye.

• Thou shalt gain weight over the holidays. It is the way of all flesh. Get thee over it.

• I say unto you: No holiday decoration may be put up sooner than two weeks before the Great Day, and all must be taken down before the next Thanksgiving. Verily.

• When thee and thine husband agree not to exchange of the presents this year, hold this truth most dear: He really isn't going to giveth anything unto you.

• Thou shalt buy thyself one really great present and open it up in front of the family, exclaiming, "I love it! But there be no card! Who giveth this unto me?" Wait to see if anyone art snarky enough to claim credit.

• Thou shalt have health, grace, and peace in the New Year. Even if thou art an elf.

 

Edited December 19, 2010 by HollyBee
found the commandments?

[lionfamily1999]

Hecketh no.

 

amen and amen!

Thou hath deigned theyselveseths Scroogeths!!!!!!! (having rethougheth it, perhaps it was too crass) :lol:

 

Please to be notingeth that the aboveth is a joketh meant inthe besteth Christmaseth Storieth spirit. Unto you both I bestow wishes of Merry Christmas, even if you refuseth to partaketh of the marathon.

Edited December 20, 2010 by lionfamily1999

[mom2jjka]

Thy hamster doth not belong in the Nativity set, and If I catcheth him there again - LO the punishment shall be most severe.

 

Thy cat, and thy dog, and thy hamster in his rolley ball, and every creature that moves along the ground will stayeth away from mine Christmas tree or they shall be tossed out into the snow.

[Giraffe]

Thy hamster doth not belong in the Nativity set, and If I catcheth him there again - LO the punishment shall be most severe.

 

I laughed so hard DD (who, alas, has a scourge of illness and fever upon her), also laughed.

 

Verily these commandments have cheered me greatly.

 

Selah.

[gardening momma]

Thou hath deigned theyselveseths Scroogeths!!!!!!! (having rethougheth it, perhaps it was too crass) :lol:

 

Please to be notingeth that the aboveth is a joketh meant inthe besteth Christmaseth Storieth spirit. Unto you both I bestow wishes of Merry Christmas, even if you refuseth to partaketh of the marathon.

While an infrequent "-eth" is acceptable, when you use it on every other word, methinks thou hast a dental issue. Wouldst thou like a referral? :D

[Parrothead]

Thou shall utilize the filter that exisits in your brain before what you're thinking springs forth from your pie hole.

Pie hole?! *Snorts then laughs hard enough to cause pain* :lol:

[JenniferB]

I think I just bust a gut reading these.

 

I thank all ye, thee, and thou responders.

[Mrs Mungo]

If thou art a Starbucks, thou shalt not run out of peppermint syrup for peppermint mochas.

[OnTheBrink]

While an infrequent "-eth" is acceptable, when you use it on every other word, methinks thou hast a dental issue. Wouldst thou like a referral? :D

 

I thinketh she was channeling Cindy Brady. :lol:

[Aggie]

I remember seeing this. Anyone know where I could find it? I googled, but I'm not coming up with anything.

 

ETA: Is this it?

 

14 Holiday Commandments

 

• When thou bakest the holiday goodies, thou will treat thyself to some of the goodly ones and not just to the slightly burnt ones that ye would be too embarrassed to giveth unto others.

• Yea, though ye walk through the mall on December 24, ye shall not buy any singing fish, nor any pull-my-finger gags, no matter how desperate thou art to find something for thy brother-in-law.

• When thy child's school doth gear up for another fund-raising sale of holiday wrapping paper, think ye of the thirty-seven unused rolls hiding in your closet -- and buy another five rolls as thou always dost.

• When I regift unto you, and it turns out to be something you gave unto me, lo, these many years ago, just put it away to give unto me again next year. Have faith in this most venerable truth: I will never remember.

• When I writest the holiday newsletter and proclaim that I have been asked to sing with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, refrain from recalling my memorable turn massacring "Like a Virgin" at the high school talent show.

• Nor will ye tie onto thy animals reindeer antlers or bells that doth jingle. Thine husband, however, art fair game.

• Thou shalt not partake in the wearing of the matching mother-daughter outfits until someone figures out how to make the mother not looketh like a veritable idiot.

• Thou shalt not wear holiday-theme sweaters. Verily, no Santas, Rudolphs, snowmen, nor elves. Especially elves.

• When thou deck the halls, I say unto you, the tinsel must be placed one strand at a time. Except when thine husband turns his back, then ye may throw it on in clumps and no shame shall be upon ye.

• Thou shalt gain weight over the holidays. It is the way of all flesh. Get thee over it.

• I say unto you: No holiday decoration may be put up sooner than two weeks before the Great Day, and all must be taken down before the next Thanksgiving. Verily.

• When thee and thine husband agree not to exchange of the presents this year, hold this truth most dear: He really isn't going to giveth anything unto you.

• Thou shalt buy thyself one really great present and open it up in front of the family, exclaiming, "I love it! But there be no card! Who giveth this unto me?" Wait to see if anyone art snarky enough to claim credit.

• Thou shalt have health, grace, and peace in the New Year. Even if thou art an elf.

 

 

 

Holly,

 

These are great! But not the ones I remember. The WTMer wrote the commandments that came down from her grandmom, I believe. It was absolutely hysterical! It was also years ago. I don't know how to search that far back.

 

Thanks, though! :)

[Aggie]

Here it is!

 

 

THE TEN TREE COMMANDMENTS

 

Rule #1: Thou shalt assemble the artificial tree and bend the branches for no less than one hour for a realistic appearance.

 

Rule #2: Then thou shalt apply the lights beginning at the top of the tree progessing to the bottom, taking the strand all the way to the center of the tree and out again on every single branch or thou wilt be smitten.

 

Rule #3: Concerning the number of lights. Thou shalt strive for the perfection and beauty of not less than 10 100 light strands for a total of 1000 lights. Less than this and it shall be proclaimed an "ugly" tree.

 

Rule #4: Thou shalt then begin apply the ornaments. Small ornaments shall go at the top. Large ornaments for the base. Thy tree must be proportional.

 

Rule #5: THOU SHALT NOT ALLOW THE ORNAMENTS TO SIT ON THE BRANCH BENEATH THEM! IT IS AN ABOMINATION!!! THEY MUST SWING FREELY ON THE TREE!

 

Rule #6: Thou shalt consider thy work no less than every three ornaments placed by standing back and looking for "holes" in thy tree. Fill the wretched holes with ornaments.

 

Rule #7: Thou shalt decorate the WHOLE tree front and back. Place the old scratched ornaments on the back of the tree lest it be naked.

 

Rule #8: After the ornaments come the garland. This must be artfully draped in even "swags". Then though shalt humor thy grandmother to come "adjust" the parts she condemns as uneven.

 

Rule #9: Lastly, though mayest apply tinsel to thy tree. NOT IN GREAT GOBS but by no more than 5 strands at one time. Then though must be a good steward of thy tinsel being ever watchful to not pass to closely by the tree, lest you remove the tinsel causing a bald spot.

 

Rule #10: Thou must promise on pain of death to return on New Year's Day to dismantle thy grandmother's tree or guilt wilt follow thou all the days of thy life.

[gardening momma]

Rule #8: After the ornaments come the garland.

Heresy! Unrighteous doctrine! The garland shall come before the ornaments! Thou shalt be excommunicated!

[nukeswife]

Hecketh no.

 

Agreeth with thee I do!

[Jeanne in MN]

ROFLOL!!!

 

Alloweth thou the communications with my side of the family to be deliver'ed by me. Thou shalt not speak for me with my extended family, or thou wilt surely die. Because thou wilt surely mess it up. And lo! This doom hath cometh upon us already, even upon this day! Beware. Thy doom awaiteth thee.

[sagira]

Puttest thou not raisins in thy cookies, for it is an abomination to my lips.

 

 

 

I posted this in FB earlier, and I believe that it bears repeating. Do you have any holiday commandments? :001_smile:

 

Amen! I love baking melt-in-your-mouth, raisin-less, soft oatmeal cookies.. YUM!

[Annabel Lee]

Rule #7: Thou shalt decorate the WHOLE tree front and back. Place the old scratched ornaments on the back of the tree lest it be naked.

 

...and lest it be front-heavy therefore a'toppling down upon the family canine in the midst of the night, wherewith great commotion and upheaval you shall surely suffer.

 

And my own addition: Whence thou settest up the fake tree, under no sun nor moon must you surpass tying it with fishing line, affixing it steady to the ceiling, lest felines creep at night to climb, and suffer the same end as the aforementioned dog.

Edited December 21, 2010 by Annabel Lee

[Halftime Hope]

Thou shalt not leave a pound of butter thawing on the kitchen counter lest thy dalmatian puppy--not having been visited by the Christmas Spirit, nor yet having learned the culinary delights which proceed from the rightful uses of butter--shouldst consume the entire package.

 

Nor shalt though decorate thy Christmas tree with the customary glass balls of yesteryear, in consideration of the aforementioned puppy, who--thinking them a delightful novelty--shall surely remove them from the tree, crunching each ball in turn, and causing thee too wring thy hands in dismay and cry out to heaven for her safety and for thine sanity.

[woolybear]

Thou shalt not stay up till midnight on Christmas eve wrapping presents.

[woolybear]

Oh my goodness. Thank you all so much. I just finished reading this whole thread and I was cracking up. I need this kind of laughing.:lol::lol:

[Carol in Cal.]

If thou art a Starbucks, thou shalt not run out of peppermint syrup for peppermint mochas.

 

...nor yet of cinnamon syrup for thy cinnamon dolce lattes!