Am I old-fashioned? (Sleeping arrangements)

[Haiku]

My personal opinion is that if you can't abide the thought of unmarried couples sharing a room in your house, don't tell them they can stay with you. If you're going to let them stay with you, don't try to parent them. They are grown-ups who can make their own decisions.

 

Your house, your rules, but still ... I think it's rude to say, essentially, "You can stay here, but we are going to make it plain to you that we disapprove of your lifestyle." If you can't be a gracious host, don't host.

 

Tara

[Tammyla]

Your home, your rules, and as guest they should respect them or make other arrangements.

[sagira]

Only if they are living together or engaged and living together AND adults. No teens, unless they're married :)

[Laurie4b]

Do I remember reading/hearing that in some states in the US a couple who has lived together (as IF they were married) for a certain amount of time is considered legally married?

 

Would this example fit as a common-law marriage? If so, would we have the right to judge that they should not share a room?

 

Just wondering...

 

http://www.ncsl.org/default.aspx?tabid=4265

You have to say you're married to be considered a common-law marriage even in states that still recognize common lay marriage.

[Impish]

My personal opinion is that if you can't abide the thought of unmarried couples sharing a room in your house, don't tell them they can stay with you. If you're going to let them stay with you, don't try to parent them. They are grown-ups who can make their own decisions.

 

Your house, your rules, but still ... I think it's rude to say, essentially, "You can stay here, but we are going to make it plain to you that we disapprove of your lifestyle." If you can't be a gracious host, don't host.

 

Tara

I just don't see it that way. I mean, thats the same as telling smokers that they can't smoke then. A gracious host wouldn't disapprove of their lifestyle, right? Nobody would tell someone that they had to allow smoking.

[Joanne]

I just don't see it that way. I mean, thats the same as telling smokers that they can't smoke then. A gracious host wouldn't disapprove of their lifestyle, right? Nobody would tell someone that they had to allow smoking.

 

This example has been used several times in the thread. It's not a comparible situation.

[lionfamily1999]

This example has been used several times in the thread. It's not a comparible situation.

How so?

[Sun]

:iagree:My dh and I lived together before marriage and we always stayed together when visiting relatives. No one made it an issue and we didn't flaunt it either. IMO, for us it would depend on the age of the children and if they were aware the couple was already living together.

 

But agreed, it's your house your rules, so that would override everything else.

 

:iagree:

 

Also, I do see a difference between your own child as a young adult and your presumably adult SIL. The relationship between a parent/child (even grown) is different than the one with other adult relatives. I can imagine not allowing my own children to sleep with a boyfriend/girlfriend, but I can't imagine telling another adult relative no. I would, however, have discussions about how we value marriage if my children were of an age where they were aware.

 

I do agree that it's your house, so your rules should apply. I also find the boyfriend's insistence (if he really insisted - or was that SIL's way of trying to get the rules changed?) rather bizarre and rude.

Edited November 30, 2010 by Sun

[Haiku]

I mean, thats the same as telling smokers that they can't smoke then. [/b]

 

Not the same. A guest can step outside to smoke. My guests do. If I told my guests that they can't smoke anywhere on my property, period, because my kids might see them, then it would be more the same.

 

Tara

[mommaduck]

Not the same. A guest can step outside to smoke. My guests do. If I told my guests that they can't smoke anywhere on my property, period, because my kids might see them, then it would be more the same.

 

Tara

I actually do know families that would expect you not to smoke anywhere on their property while you are visiting them. Guests tend to respect their beliefs, regardless of whether they agree.

[lionfamily1999]

I actually do know families that would expect you not to smoke anywhere on their property while you are visiting them. Guests tend to respect their beliefs, regardless of whether they agree.

I smoke and I know people with children that prefer that I duck as far out of sight as possible. I'm happy to honor that request. I understand that they don't even want their children seeing me smoke. :shrug: I don't see it as a judgement on me, it's a judgement on smoking.

[mommaduck]

I smoke and I know people with children that prefer that I duck as far out of sight as possible. I'm happy to honor that request. I understand that they don't even want their children seeing me smoke. :shrug: I don't see it as a judgement on me, it's a judgement on smoking.

Exactly. They have a different standard, or even just a different view of smoking, than others. Again, it's about respecting your host/hostess and their home. You are the guest, therefore you don't get to set the rules or change the routine. You can be made comfortable, but you don't get to "demand" certain "rights".

 

If someone has THAT big an issue with the way someone believes or runs their home, then they don't have to visit or may stay elsewhere.

Edited November 30, 2010 by mommaduck

[athomemom]

This isn't technically an issue for me because no one usually comes to stay with us. :001_smile: However, my brother has chosen to do this and has a brand new baby. They've been together for a couple of years now. He knows how I feel about it and that I feel that it's wrong. However, it also gives me many opportunities to speak openly with my boys about how I feel about this issue and why we feel as a family that it is wrong. And ya know, my brother is 30 years old....he knows better....but I love him anyways as he does me in spite of myself. :D

[Catherine]

They were both informed that overnight friends were not permitted before they moved in. FIL grumbled and challenged it once, which was extremely awkward, but we dealt with it. My nephew was another story. We had to ask people to leave our house after JUST discussing it with dn less than an hour before. Our situation was different, because they lived here and were not visiting, but it is still awkward and difficult. In the end, they both ended up leaving for other reasons, and life here is SO much easier!! Best wishes!

[Haiku]

I actually do know families that would expect you not to smoke anywhere on their property while you are visiting them. Guests tend to respect their beliefs, regardless of whether they agree.

 

I find that extreme, but, like I said earlier, your house, your rules (the generic "you"). But I think that as much as guests should honor their hosts' beliefs, hosts should be gracious to their guests. I wouldn't invite someone to my home if I 1) knew they smoked and b) was unwilling to have them smoke anywhere on my property. Just rude, imo.

 

Tara

[mommaduck]

I find that extreme, but, like I said earlier, your house, your rules (the generic "you"). But I think that as much as guests should honor their hosts' beliefs, hosts should be gracious to their guests. I wouldn't invite someone to my home if I 1) knew they smoked and b) was unwilling to have them smoke anywhere on my property. Just rude, imo.

 

Tara

So it's rude for a conservative mennonite to invite a neighbour to dinner and expect them to not smoke the entire time or to spend a weekend with them at the family cabin (vacation home)? Guess they should just snub them?

[Laura Corin]

My sisters sleep with their long-term partners when they stay with me. I don't have a problem with it. However I agree with the others: it's your house and you should lay down rules that make you comfortable.

 

Laura

[Haiku]

So it's rude for a conservative mennonite to invite a neighbour to dinner and expect them to not smoke the entire time or to spend a weekend with them at the family cabin (vacation home)? Guess they should just snub them?

 

I'm not following you on the family cabin thing; I don't know where that came from. But yes, imo I think it's rude to invite someone who smokes to your home and say "No smoking anywhere on my property, period." [Full disclosure: I don't smoke and think smoking is completely vile.] It would be as rude as the smoker demanding to be allowed to smoke. Both parties bear responsibility.

 

If you can't stand to have someone come to your home for dinner and smoke outside, well, invite them to a restaurant.

 

If you can't stand to visit someone's house and not smoke for a few hours, well, decline the invite.

 

Tara

[mommaduck]

I'm not following you on the family cabin thing; I don't know where that came from. But yes, imo I think it's rude to invite someone who smokes to your home and say "No smoking anywhere on my property, period." It would be as rude as the smoker demanding to be allowed to smoke. Both parties bear responsibility.

 

If you can't stand to have someone come to your home for dinner and smoke outside, well, invite them to a restaurant.

 

If you can't stand to visit someone's house and not smoke for a few hours, well, decline the invite.

 

Tara

Actually, no, it's not. Someone is offering a kindness. The expectation is often not even mentioned, it's already known and respected. You don't like it as the invitee, you gently turn it down. The potential host understands that there may be cultural/belief barriers, but the kind offer was made and the onus for either respectful behaviour or declining of the invitation is on the guest. I was not raised Mennonite. I was raised in the military by a midwesterner and practical bohemian and still this was what was considered appropriate and respectful, not rude.

(family cabin was just mentioned as an extension of dinner...one being a few hours and the other being a day or two)

Edited November 30, 2010 by mommaduck

[lionfamily1999]

I just don't see the rudeness in having standards of behavior for your home that continue to be the standards of behavior when someone comes to visit. My parents' house was dry, no one ever huffed off offended when Dad said they needed to leave their alcohol in the car. No standards are fine for some people, but it's unreasonable to expect everyone to give up standards, because you (generic you) don't have any OR to expect them to suck it up while you visit THEIR house.

[Ravin]

My own relationship status aside, BIL who has lived with us for 8 years now had a live-in girlfriend for several years and I had no problem with it--she paid her share and then some of the household expenses. I also wouldn't have a problem with unmarried guests sharing a room, though with our limited space all we have on offer is non-intimacy appropriate crash space (couches and hideabed in communal rooms).

 

That said, it's your house: your rules and mores should be held to under your own roof. Guests should abide by them, or politely decline your hospitality.

[Lovedtodeath]

I wouldn't invite them to stay in my house as a couple period. So I voted other.

[Imprimis]

I just don't see the rudeness in having standards of behavior for your home that continue to be the standards of behavior when someone comes to visit. My parents' house was dry, no one ever huffed off offended when Dad said they needed to leave their alcohol in the car. No standards are fine for some people, but it's unreasonable to expect everyone to give up standards, because you (generic you) don't have any OR to expect them to suck it up while you visit THEIR house.

 

I feel it's fine to have standards for your home as well. In my case, as I mentioned earlier, I don't have a problem with a couple in a committed relationship sharing a room, but, I certainly have a problem with someone smoking in my home. The difference, to me, is smoking is not only a behavior I don't want my children to emulate, but, it poses a health risk to my family, as well. (yes, I know that's getting off topic, but someone asked what is the difference between telling someone not to smoke in your home and telling them to sleep in separate rooms.) One behavior directly affects me and my family, the other does not.

[silliness7]

Obviously, you should do whatever your house rules dictate, and they should accept that.

 

At our house, the standard is that if two people are in a loving, committed relationship, we treat them like a married couple. I refuse to hold marriage up as the standard until all loving, committed couples are allowed to marry.

 

That's an interesting way to go. So once all loving, committed couples are allowed to marry you'll be O.K. discriminating against live-ins...because after all they could get married. :001_smile:

[Haiku]

No standards are fine for some people

 

It's not a standards-vs-no standards issue. It's just different standards, I guess.

 

Tara

[Scarlett]

I smoke and I know people with children that prefer that I duck as far out of sight as possible. I'm happy to honor that request. I understand that they don't even want their children seeing me smoke. :shrug: I don't see it as a judgement on me, it's a judgement on smoking.

 

My brother who is constantly trying to quit smoking :glare: goes out of sight of all family when he steps outside to smoke. He is 40 yo and I've never seen him smoke. My ds10 has never seen him smoke.

[peachskittles]

For me, it's a non-issue. I don't check marriage licenses at the door or ask to see the rings. My SO and I have been together for 4years with no plans for marriage in the near future. People around us think we are married, even if we correct them. We know another couple that has been together for 6years with no plans to ever marry due to the fact that it's a piece of paper. A loving, committed relationship should never be based on a piece of paper. I know of someone that has been married SIX times so that to me shows how uncommitted this marriage thing can be. (And before I get jumped on for that comment, notice the can be at the end. Not all people are like that.) My sister and her husband got married and I was the only one to know for awhile. They just didn't want to be based on the fact that they were married. Ok that doesn't make sense but to them it did. :tongue_smilie: I could never, ever base a couple on a piece of paper that most people can run up to a courthouse and get. (Obviously it depends on the state you live in but anyone that wants that piece of paper can get it here thankfully.) I'm more worried about the character of the person coming to my house to stay the night.

 

That's just my opinion though. In your house you make the rules. If you want them separated, then they should abide by your rules or get a hotel room (which is the option I would choose).

[Scarlett]

It's not a standards-vs-no standards issue. It's just different standards, I guess.

 

Tara

 

This. The question is who sets the standard.

[lionfamily1999]

I feel it's fine to have standards for your home as well. In my case, as I mentioned earlier, I don't have a problem with a couple in a committed relationship sharing a room, but, I certainly have a problem with someone smoking in my home. The difference, to me, is smoking is not only a behavior I don't want my children to emulate, but, it poses a health risk to my family, as well. (yes, I know that's getting off topic, but someone asked what is the difference between telling someone not to smoke in your home and telling them to sleep in separate rooms.) One behavior directly affects me and my family, the other does not.

I guess it depends on how you view the effects. For me, I would see this as supporting a behavior that I feel is immoral (although against my values sounds much kinder). I would be showing my children that this behavior is acceptable in my home. I could see that effecting my children and our family.

That's an interesting way to go. So once all loving, committed couples are allowed to marry you'll be O.K. discriminating against live-ins...because after all they could get married. :001_smile:

:lol:

It's not a standards-vs-no standards issue. It's just different standards, I guess.

 

Tara

Okay then.

My brother who is constantly trying to quit smoking :glare: goes out of sight of all family when he steps outside to smoke. He is 40 yo and I've never seen him smoke. My ds10 has never seen him smoke.

I hide. I hide, because I know it's not an acceptable thing I'm doing. I know it's harmful, but I have not (as of yet) the strength to quit. I have no problem with treating my addiction with the revulsion it deserves. I used to, but that was back when I still believed that there was nothing wrong with it ;) Even then, I would not have forced someone else to accept my smoking.

[pqr]

Originally Posted by Impish

I just don't see it that way. I mean, thats the same as telling smokers that they can't smoke then. A gracious host wouldn't disapprove of their lifestyle, right? Nobody would tell someone that they had to allow smoking.

 

This example has been used several times in the thread. It's not a comparible situation.

 

Of course it is. In the eyes of many members both are talking about the impact on a child's health. The difference is the smoking speaks to physical health and the "shacking up" to moral health.

[HRAAB]

Smoking and living together are both behaviors I do not want my children to emulate. We don't allow either in our home. This goes for very good friends, siblings and even my own daughter. I don't believe we are being rude by maintaining our standards in our home. To the OP: you need to follow through with what you and your dh are comfortable with and offer no apologies for your rules and standards.

[Hannah C.]

I wouldn't object to an unmarried couple sharing a room at my house. I would assume that they would want separate rooms, though, unless I knew they were living together.

 

However, if someone is a guest in your house, they should go by your rules. If dh and I had lived together before we were married, we would not have been offended if asked to stay in different rooms at another person's house!!

 

Before dh and I were engaged, he accompanied me to another state for a funeral. We were not living together or otherwise deeply physically involved. My mother made sure to tell the aunt we would both be staying with that we would want separate rooms. That aunt would have put us in the same room if we were living together; my mother just circumvented the need to ask the question. :D

[elegantlion]

It's not a standards-vs-no standards issue. It's just different standards, I guess.

 

Tara

 

:iagree:

[StephanieZ]

So, if you wouldn't allow an unmarried couple to share a room in your house b/c of the bad example to your kids. . .

 

I assume this means you wouldn't stay in that same couple's home if you were visiting their town? Do you get a hotel room when visiting your cohabiting relatives, or you just don't visit them?

[mommaduck]

So, if you wouldn't allow an unmarried couple to share a room in your house b/c of the bad example to your kids. . .

 

I assume this means you wouldn't stay in that same couple's home if you were visiting their town? Do you get a hotel room when visiting your cohabiting relatives, or you just don't visit them?

I would stay in a hotel and they would not be offended as they would expect it out of me as that is how we were all raised.

[Scarlett]

So, if you wouldn't allow an unmarried couple to share a room in your house b/c of the bad example to your kids. . .

 

I assume this means you wouldn't stay in that same couple's home if you were visiting their town? Do you get a hotel room when visiting your cohabiting relatives, or you just don't visit them?

 

My brother has lived with all 4 of his wives before he married them. I've many times gone to his town and stayed with other friends due to that issue. He has never expressed offense at all. It isn't even spoken.

[Tidbits of Learning]

It has never came up for us. Both my sister and I lived with our dh's before we were married. We were engaged at the time, but not married to them.

Now that I have kids, I don't know my answer. There are several of dh's sisters who have kids and not married (but with the father). They are young (21 or so) and I can't imagine having them over and saying you can't stay together in a room. I'm sure it would be hard for them to explain it to their toddler as well.

[LidiyaDawn]

I'm curious about something, for those who have said they would not allow an "unmarried couple" to share a room. What if the couple on question had been living together for 18 years, raised children, presented themselves to the community (and referred to each other as) husband and wife? (and as it happened, also fit the legal requirements for (common law) marriage in the eyes of the law where they live?)

 

(I'm thinking of a specific couple that I know with this description.)

[Trish]

I'm curious about something, for those who have said they would not allow an "unmarried couple" to share a room. What if the couple on question had been living together for 18 years, raised children, presented themselves to the community (and referred to each other as) husband and wife? (and as it happened, also fit the legal requirements for (common law) marriage in the eyes of the law where they live?)

 

(I'm thinking of a specific couple that I know with this description.)

 

Kurt and Goldie would have to have separate rooms, or perhaps they would choose to stay in a very pricey hotel. That's just us, though.

[ChiMomNP]

My personal opinion is that if you can't abide the thought of unmarried couples sharing a room in your house, don't tell them they can stay with you. If you're going to let them stay with you, don't try to parent them. They are grown-ups who can make their own decisions.

 

 

I agree however they have extended the offer. The right thing now is for the SIL to just turn it down. She and her bf should simply make other plans for the holidays. Why would anyone -want- to stay in a house with people who felt that way about them? Holidays should be relaxing and enjoyable, that sounds like it would be neither.

[FaithManor]

Honestly, my home is my castle...my sanctuary. Dh has an absolute ton of stress in his life so here is the rule...We don't invite relatives or anyone else to spend the night here with us if they participate in any lifestyle that will cause DH stress. His dad, when he was alive, had a yappy, bitey dog that he wanted to take everywhere and he smoked and wouldn't do it outdoors...always insisted on lighting up inside (though I get just about instant bronchitis from being in close proximity to cigarette smoke but can tolerate wood smoke as long as I don't get to close to the bonfire). We ended up uninviting him and mil by default. It was really uncomfortable and he would occasionally call and ask if he could come to visit. The answer was always either "no" or "we are going to be very busy during that time."

 

That's where I am at. Call me rude but if dh's sleeping around, different girlfriend every week, alcoholic nephew calls and says, "Hey, can my girlfriend and I come stay with you for a weekend?" The answer is no. It doesn't even matter how I feel about his lifestyle, I won't put that kind of stress on dh.

 

So, I guess I am just a bad person because I value my family's beliefs and the sanctity of my home as an escape for dh from stress, more than I do some extended relative's feelings.

 

And yes, we have a list of relatives that are not EVER invited here and would be turned down if they asked. Dh's above nephew, his niece and her husband, dh's sister and her husband (we won't even have them here for dinner if she is visiting their mother), my brother's wife (I can't remember the last time she made it farther than the entryway), and my niece's live-in boyfriend because he refuses to control his foul mouth so though we have a beautiful great-niece...they've not been invited to dinner as a couple though she has warmed up to us and we've been able to spend time with her separate of him.

 

Thankfully, Kurt and Goldie are not likely to call and ask to come for a visit so I am not likely to have to deal with that issue. (I think that they do fall under a common law marriage definition.)

 

Faith

[lionfamily1999]

Ok, but what if it's the end of the world and if you don't allow this non-married couple to sleep together in your house they'll die. That's right. They will spontaneously burst into flames in YOUR front yard and your children will be forced to watch them burn while fireworks go off all around them.

 

Then would you let them sleep in the same room?!?!?!?!?!?!

 

:rolleyes:

 

We're not checking papers at the door. We don't often have strangers sleeping in our house. We don't allow non-married couples to share a bed in our house. That doesn't mean we have anti-shacking up signs in the front yard or we're going to make someone bed in the ditch. For pity's sake.

[justamouse]

 

I would not worry about the example for my kids because I don't value "marriage as defined by paper" as an example. I'm frankly not even sure I value "not until marriage" as the standard for sexuality anyway.

 

Wow. That's exactly what I think, too. I'm just a little surprised you also think that.

 

I just think this is one of those things that is a case by case basis and it's something we should enlarge our doctrine to allow God in. Adam and Eve didn't say I Do. There are generations of people that never sad, "I do."

 

Marriage is a legal commitment, what used to be a business deal between to families where they used their children as bargaining chips. Making a vow before God is an entirely different thing. And can be done in the privacy of ones own home if so wanted. No papers needed.

[LidiyaDawn]

I'm curious about something, for those who have said they would not allow an "unmarried couple" to share a room. What if the couple on question had been living together for 18 years, raised children, presented themselves to the community (and referred to each other as) husband and wife? (and as it happened, also fit the legal requirements for (common law) marriage in the eyes of the law where they live?)

 

(I'm thinking of a specific couple that I know with this description.)

 

Kurt and Goldie would have to have separate rooms, or perhaps they would choose to stay in a very pricey hotel. That's just us, though.

 

(who what??)

 

My couple in the description is married - in their eyes, in the eyes of their community, their family, and even the law.

 

That's why I'm wondering if it changes things. When people say "unmarried couple", it tends to bring to mind an image of cousin Roger and his latest fling, know what I mean?

[keptwoman]

They come every other year. It literally takes me that long to stop feeling traumatized over it!

 

I think she thinks she is helping, but I also think she thinks she has the same clout as my mother (as if I'm her daughter). It's just foreign for me because I don't have a mother and when I did she was never the type to tell me what to do. I basically took care of my parents.

 

My husband told her to "knock it off" and she was so upset she stayed in bed for three days (at our house). It's just never pretty when she visits. :tongue_smilie:

fwiw it may be that she thinks she is taking the place of your mother, i.e her behaviour is what it is because you have no mother.

 

My MIL asked me to call her Mum at the supper AFTER MY MOTHERS FUNERAL!! She expected to walk right into the spot my mother had just unexpectedly left. I was just drop jawed. I just said, no thank you, I have a Mum.

[mommaduck]

I'm curious about something, for those who have said they would not allow an "unmarried couple" to share a room. What if the couple on question had been living together for 18 years, raised children, presented themselves to the community (and referred to each other as) husband and wife? (and as it happened, also fit the legal requirements for (common law) marriage in the eyes of the law where they live?)

 

(I'm thinking of a specific couple that I know with this description.)

That would be different. They fit the description of what is considered marriage where they are from. Not every country and culture required a piece of paper, but rather a particular commitment that was known publicly. This is different than many of today's "shack up's" or "we're trying this out before we consider getting seriously married".

[Ibbygirl]

My MIL asked me to call her Mum at the supper AFTER MY MOTHERS FUNERAL!! She expected to walk right into the spot my mother had just unexpectedly left. I was just drop jawed. I just said, no thank you, I have a Mum.

 

:eek: :svengo: Wow! I can't believe that. That must have been so difficult for you at that moment. I'm so sorry about your mum. :( :grouphug:

[Peela]

My personal opinion is that if you can't abide the thought of unmarried couples sharing a room in your house, don't tell them they can stay with you. If you're going to let them stay with you, don't try to parent them. They are grown-ups who can make their own decisions.

 

Your house, your rules, but still ... I think it's rude to say, essentially, "You can stay here, but we are going to make it plain to you that we disapprove of your lifestyle." If you can't be a gracious host, don't host.

 

Tara

 

:iagree: In my circles especially, but even my my parents circles and others I am aware of here in Australia...the standards are not so "old fashioned" and co-habiting is much more acceptable, especially before marriage. These boards always open my mind to the way others think, and I am sure there is a subculture in Australia that thinks similarly to the majority here..but I am not aware of it. My parents would never have treated my brother or I like that- if we were with someone, they were invited to stay as well. Always. Funny, my brother and I are both happily married- it doesn't seem to have hurt us to be brought up like that so I can't see the need to change. But then, both our parents co-habited after their divorces as well. Again...my brother and I married. No problem here.

I would feel hurt if I was invited to stay with a relative but my long term live in partner was not. I would consider it rude, presumptuous, judgemental, unaccepting and ungracious and I would decline the invitation. My loyalty would be to my relationship.. I would prefer not to be invited than to be invited that way.

The OP asked if it was old fashioned. Why yes, in my understanding, in my culture, I believe it is but so what...that is irrelevant. Old fashioned is fine. Is it reasonable? Is it for the best, does it hurt people unecessarily? Obviously I live in a culture than many here.

[Trish]

Ok, but what if it's the end of the world and if you don't allow this non-married couple to sleep together in your house they'll die. That's right. They will spontaneously burst into flames in YOUR front yard and your children will be forced to watch them burn while fireworks go off all around them.

 

Then would you let them sleep in the same room?!?!?!?!?!?!

 

:rolleyes:

 

We're not checking papers at the door. We don't often have strangers sleeping in our house. We don't allow non-married couples to share a bed in our house. That doesn't mean we have anti-shacking up signs in the front yard or we're going to make someone bed in the ditch. For pity's sake.

 

I needed that laugh, thanks!

[RanchGirl]

I would feel hurt if I was invited to stay with a relative but my long term live in partner was not. I would consider it rude, presumptuous, judgemental, unaccepting and ungracious and I would decline the invitation. My loyalty would be to my relationship.. I would prefer not to be invited than to be invited that way.

 

The boyfriend IS invited, but he is not welcome to behave in a way that the host would not like her children to be exposed to -- i.e. an unmarried couple sharing a bedroom. Whether or not it's old fashioned, it's the OP's home and her request is a simple one that should be followed graciously by her guest. I don't see any rudeness other than the gal arguing that she must openly share a bed with her honey or else they will be forced to sneak around. I don't see a problem with separate bedrooms for a few day.

 

I think it would be judgmental, unaccepting, and perhaps rude if the host were to say "you're welcome in our house but your boyfriend is not." But that's not what she is saying. The host and her family will gladly break bread with this boyfriend, share the holiday with him, etc. But they want marriage to be honored and therefore extra-marital sex, or the appearance of it, to be avoided under their roof.. that is not an unreasonable request IMO. And it's not an insult or judgment on those who make other choices, it's just the standard they have set in their house. And it's a common standard in the U.S.

 

I have a slightly different situation, where my parents were having Christmas and my sister and her boyfriend would be sharing a room, which was fine with my parents. But my step-mom called ME to warn me and ask how I felt about it since my kids would be there... we worked out sleeping arrangements together that would keep my kids on a different floor so they would be unaware. My sister did not feel insulted or judged, she understood that it wouldn't be appropriate for my kids to be aware of her private business that conflicts with what my husband and I value. If it had been at my house, she would have asked me and we would have worked out something, probably separate bedrooms. I still love her and her boyfriend. We are still family, even if we have slightly different values. She doesn't have to flaunt her sexual relationship in front of my kids to prove a point.