joannqn Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 I don't know her address or phone number, and now her email is no longer valid. I guess she won't know we moved just like she didn't know we lost a baby to late miscarriage or had another baby. She emails me once every year or two, but my email address will change with the move. My phone number will stay the same so there is a small chance that we'll hear from her again in the distant future. Oh, well. It wasn't like she actually cared much for me and my family anyway. She didn't come to my wedding. She's never met my husband or three of my children (she met the oldest when she was 2 months old). She's never even talked to them on the phone, sent them a letter/card/gift, etc. Why is it so hard to just let go of the idea of having a mother? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skirch Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 :grouphug: I'm sorry, that has to be hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm sorry, Joann. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkInTheBlue Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 I'm so sorry Joan. I can't imagine. :grouphug::grouphug: I've had a similar life with Dads. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaBearTeacher Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 (((Hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 Why is it so hard to just let go of the idea of having a mother? Because as mothers, we feel a need to connect to our own mothers. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm sorry your mother is missing out on a wonderful daughter and grandchildren. And I'm sorry you and your children are missing out on a mother and grandmother. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 I don't know her address or phone number, and now her email is no longer valid. I guess she won't know we moved just like she didn't know we lost a baby to late miscarriage or had another baby. She emails me once every year or two, but my email address will change with the move. My phone number will stay the same so there is a small chance that we'll hear from her again in the distant future. Oh, well. It wasn't like she actually cared much for me and my family anyway. She didn't come to my wedding. She's never met my husband or three of my children (she met the oldest when she was 2 months old). She's never even talked to them on the phone, sent them a letter/card/gift, etc. Why is it so hard to just let go of the idea of having a mother? :grouphug::grouphug: Well that just stinks. I'm sorry. You have always come across as a beautiful caring person, I made the false assumption you had a good role model type mother growing up. Your family is blessed and she is the one missing out. I'm sorry. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blueridge Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 In many ways, I'm right there with you~ :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 Because it is a basic concept known to blue whales and pygmy shrews. It is deeply mammalian. When in doubt, count your blessings: you are light-years ahead of her in mothering. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JVA Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 I'm in the same boat with you. Mine will send b-day cards to the kids but makes NO other effort at all. She and sister #1 have caused tremendous pain to my family and I'm in a quandry right now about whether to attend the other sister#2's daughter's wedding in January. I love my niece and want to show her God's love but the heartache associated with my mother and Sister #1 makes it scary. If you have any suggestions, I'm all :bigear:s. Blessings on you....middle-aged women still need a mom sometimes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 :grouphug: I have a friend who recommends the book called Motherless Daughters. Maybe you'd find it comforting. I'm so sorry you are hurting from the loss of your mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindergretta Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 I'm so sorry. :( It is very hard not having a mother. I'd give you mine, but that would be unnecessarily cruel to you. My mother is so abusive. Your children are so blessed to have you!!! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristavws Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted October 24, 2010 Author Share Posted October 24, 2010 Thanks everyone. The fact that my son has an interest in family makes it harder. Back to packing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristineW Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delaney Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 I wish I knew the answer because then I would stop striving to get acceptance and validation from a woman who will never give it to me. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 I'm so sorry. :grouphug: That really stinks. Do you have someone who you consider your mentor - a sort of substitute parent? My dh has this, as his own dad died young. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 I Why is it so hard to just let go of the idea of having a mother? Because NOBODY should ever be forced to. That is SO sad. I can't even imagine. I'm so sorry for you. There must be a huge hole in your heart that has never been filled. I'm just so sorry. I do hope someday you can make COMPLETE peace with this.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 I wish I knew the answer because then I would stop striving to get acceptance and validation from a woman who will never give it to me. :grouphug: you will NEVER be happy until you let that go. I learned the hard way, and once I stopped caring, the loving support came. I am fortunate to have enjoyed a beatiful decade with my mother before she died, but I had deep pain before that. It was me that needed to change, to accept my mother for who she was. Only then did I stop hurting for what she wasn't to me, and then learned to love her anyway. I always gave her more than I ever received, all the way to the end. But I do know she loved me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 I don't know her address or phone number, and now her email is no longer valid. I guess she won't know we moved just like she didn't know we lost a baby to late miscarriage or had another baby. She emails me once every year or two, but my email address will change with the move. My phone number will stay the same so there is a small chance that we'll hear from her again in the distant future. Oh, well. It wasn't like she actually cared much for me and my family anyway. She didn't come to my wedding. She's never met my husband or three of my children (she met the oldest when she was 2 months old). She's never even talked to them on the phone, sent them a letter/card/gift, etc. Why is it so hard to just let go of the idea of having a mother? :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in AL Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 I'm sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 I had a lot of pain with my mum for many years too. Its ok now, but I have done a lot of healing work around it. I felt she betrayed me as a teenager - but over the years I have just learned to let go and forgive and see that she was actually doing her best. I have really learned to let go into my own mothering energy and tune into the universal mother energy found all over the place, from Mother Mary, to Quan Yin, to Amma, to Mother Earth...there are many manifestations of teh all loving Mother that we can use to heal that hurt. For Christians, even non Catholics, I think Mother Mary is incredibly beautiful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JessReplanted Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 I'm sorry you are hurting. I also have a lifetime of 'Mother issues.' At this point though, I know that all of the love and affection I long for can be found in Jesus, who is the perfect Lover of my Soul. And when I feel sad or abandoned, I need to turn to Him. ((hugs)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 We actually talked about this the other day. We're not moving, but if we were, that would be the end of the contact for me too, what little there is. Use the pain to be a better mother to your children, especially as they grow up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 :grouphug: My husband's father has about that much a part of our lives and lives only about 40 min away. I know how hard it can be because I see my husband dealing with the lack of interest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mysticamethyst Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 I am sorry, I know it hurts. :grouphug::grouphug: It hurts because you are mourning a loss of a mother that you never had but held out hope that someday you might get. YOU are an awsome mom. :grouphug::grouphug:Try and see it as a blessing, like pulling the bandaid off hairy legs. It will be better in the long run because you won't be waiting for the email, card or call that never comes unless MOM needs something. Is it possible for you to have a heart to heart with your son and just explain to him that she is not ready and may never be ready to be part of our family, maybe one day but not now. I am so sorry you are hurting and wish you warm, fuzzy hugs.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TXMary2 Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 I'm sorry JoAnn :grouphug: I know what it is like to have a complicated relationship with a mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anneofalamo Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 it isn't my quote, but dr. laura's we have two chances at mothers the one we got and the one we can be Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 :grouphug: That is so tough, Joann. I didn't realize you had officially found a new place! That is great! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asta Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 it isn't my quote, but dr. laura's we have two chances at mothers the one we got and the one we can be Thank you for posting that; I was trying to figure out how to say something similar. Your children can either remember you fondly, or they can compare you to the amorphous grandma they heard you harp about their entire lives. The choice is up to you. I know it sounds harsh, but no one in the world had perfect parents. It is how we dealt with the relationship we had, and how we deal with whatever we have (or don't have) left that defines us as a person (and a parent) today. Our children are watching us and learning not only how they should behave as parents, but how they should respond to our perceived failings. Grace goes a long way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zaichiki Posted October 26, 2010 Share Posted October 26, 2010 you are mourning a loss of a mother that you never had but held out hope that someday you might get. I agree with amethyst. Even though we logically *know* we're not going to have the kind of mother we long for, we harbor a tiny hope that someday... maybe... a miracle perhaps? So many people have mothers who are actually mothers. When I see that I, to be honest, get a little twinge of envy. Then there's the sigh and the resignation. ("I'm not going to have that.") Ah, well. I also agree with what Peela said: Mary is beautiful. For Christians everywhere Mary is the ultimate mother. And she's mother to us all. Thank You, Jesus. The pp who mentioned being the mother that you never had has a good point. I'm sure this is behind my need to be a good mother to my children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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