Should Christian Wives Support Husband's"Dream" or "Calling" in all circumstances

[VBoulden]

Should a wife support her husband's calling or dream not matter what?

 

What if his calling doesn't support his wife and kids well enough for her to stay home? Or worse, (in my opinion) well enough for them to even get by with his wife working?

 

And, here's the even bigger question: what if a minister's wife leaves him? should he leave "the ministry" and fight for her? Or just let her go and stay in the ministry?

 

Lots of tough questions, I know. I am asking them with a sweet spirit, though they might touch on some bitter issues. These questions have just been pouring through my mind and on my heart lately and I wanted some intelligent feedback from a variety of women in various places.

 

I guess, my main question is: Should a husband/ father put his family before his calling? Or rather, is his family his primary calling?

 

I tend to think that one calling has to come before the other in order of importance and at times. And, at other times, they aren't mutually exclusive... but at other times, one has to be chosen before the other. And please note that I think a man's calling and his relationship to Christ are two very distinct, different things...

 

Okay. That's all.

 

I won't be able to dialog with you all about this, so just know that I will be posting this question and then "making a run for it." ;) Ha. Ha. Ha. But, really...my daughter's birthday party is later this afternoon, so it's a busy morning and I won't be able to look at the computer again for sometime.

 

But, I will look forward to hearing what you all have to say. :grouphug:

[GVD22]

No, a wife shouldn't. If a man has a family that is his #1 ministry. What good does it do to save the world but lose your wife and kids? I would hope that if a minister's wife was so fed up with whatever was going on he would take a long, hard look at the situation and fight for his marriage and family.

 

I honestly don't understand the mindset that gets more gratification out of serving others at the expense of their family. It happens all too often in the body of Christ.

[Murphy101]

No, a wife shouldn't. If a man has a family that is his #1 ministry. What good does it do to save the world but lose your wife and kids?

 

I honestly don't understand the mindset that gets more gratification out of serving others at the expense of their family. It happens all too often in the body of Christ.

 

:iagree:

[Sophia]

I guess, my main question is: Should a husband/ father put his family before his calling? Or rather, is his family his primary calling?

 

 

John Piper announced he was taking a sabbatical this year specifically because he needed to spend more time with his wife.

He was pretty clear that he believed his wife was more important than ministry.

I think it was awesome of him to do that. His wife probably does too ;)

[lapsetmom]

I tend to think that since the husband and wife are one flesh, the husband's calling will be the wife's calling whether God will ask her to join him in his work or sacrifice his presence that he may serve God in a greater way. If that calling requires the whole family to sacrifice and walk by faith, I believe that God would grant the grace and faith to the whole family to take that step of faith. Now I believe a wife could be unwilling to follow that difficult path just like the husband may be unwilling to give up his "calling." The key is, are both parties willing for the will of the Lord no matter the cost? If not, there will be tension. If so, the Lord will provide the grace for either one to give up what is not of Him. Scripture tells us that a true disciple will be willing to leave wife and children if need be; however, many men may take that verse and use it wrongly to fulfill some personal dream which they take to be their "calling." Remember, Scripture also says that one who does not make a point to take care of their family is "worse than an infidel." A man and wife should be in unity about any step of faith that requires a tremendous amount of faith in God's daily provision. I think these kinds of decisions should be made together as a couple subitting themselves before God and seeking His will and not their own. My husband and I try to make a habit of seeking His will together and waiting until we are in unity about a decision; it gives us that humility and cushion of assurance that we are in God's will and not seeking our own will. Unity should be sought at all costs with much prayer and fasting if need be.

[Renee in NC]

What if his calling doesn't support his wife and kids well enough for her to stay home? Or worse, (in my opinion) well enough for them to even get by with his wife working?

 

 

First, I can't imagine the second question - if the dh is working and the wife is working, how could they not get by? I don't understand. Unless, of course, his calling doesn't pay at all?

 

I don't know about callings, but my dh's JOB doesn't support us well enough for me to stay home anymore. Lots of people live in situations like this, especially now as wages are falling and expenses are rising.

 

It seems to me that your questions and thoughts reduce a man to nothing more than a paycheck.

 

A man can work a job that pays very, very well, but keeps him from his family most of the time - is this putting his family first?

 

Putting family ahead of a "calling" isn't the question, I don't think. I think it has more to do with expectations and what constitutes support more than it has to do with the calling. You could put any other position in the "minister" slot and have the same question.

[2cents]

No, a wife shouldn't. If a man has a family that is his #1 ministry. What good does it do to save the world but lose your wife and kids? I would hope that if a minister's wife was so fed up with whatever was going on he would take a long, hard look at the situation and fight for his marriage and family.

 

I honestly don't understand the mindset that gets more gratification out of serving others at the expense of their family. It happens all too often in the body of Christ.

 

Yes! :iagree: I also think that sometimes people use their dedication to religion or calling as an excuse to avoid responsibility that they created for themselves. JMHO.

[QuirkyKapers]

No, a wife shouldn't. If a man has a family that is his #1 ministry. What good does it do to save the world but lose your wife and kids?

I honestly don't understand the mindset that gets more gratification out of serving others at the expense of their family. It happens all too often in the body of Christ.

 

:iagree: I think it is difficult to always balance out the needs in family versus needs for serving at the church. However, the times I have seen the needs of the church being taken care of over the needs of family, has resulted in bitterness and family members walking away from the church. I have also seen the father look back and regret the time lost that he could have spent.

[Parrothead]

IMHO any woman who supports her husband's calling to sit in the recliner with the Bud watching the pony races all day under the guise of Christianity has a very skewed idea of Christianity and needs help.

 

On the other hand I see nothing wrong with the starving artist (Christian or not) who is supported by his CEO wife (again, Christian or not) so he can pursue his calling/dream. I agree with Renee. A man is not simply a paycheck.

 

ETA: If the calling is to the ministry and this calling occurs after they couple is married they couple together need to decide how to handle it. What may be good for one family in this situation may not be good for the next. Now if the minister was a minister before marrying and the wife suddenly decides she doesn't like his profession/calling they she needs to get a clue.

 

This is something I've seen several times. The husband has a career that the wife was okay with while they were dating, but not that they are married she complains about the hours/job. :001_huh: "Did you not realize that would be how it was once you married?"

Edited September 25, 2010 by Parrothead

[mcconnellboys]

Unfortunately, I know of a minister who evidently never did (or has not for many years) helped support his family. Now, his wife has a good job and has provided well for them. If she went into this knowing that this is how it would be, or if she agreed anywhere along the way to living like that, then I think it would be fine. There are plenty of house-husbands now who have wives who earn the living for the family. I'm okay with that if they're okay with that. It's not my business how they handle their finances.

 

However, in this case, the wife never did agree to this. She was just strung along from one dream to another. The children are nearly grown now and she finally filed for and received a divorce this past year. She wanted to be in a co-equal relationship with another adult. I guess I can't really blame her after 25 years of trying; after 25 years of watching her children grow up and go off on vacations with Dad while she was left alone at home to work, etc.... I feel badly that she must have bitterness over all the stuff that went on.... She had elicited promises that things would be different for a very, very long time....

 

Her husband remarried a very troubled girl of only 23 within just a few months of the divorce (he's 50).... I think most of us who know him are having a great deal of difficulty following his ministry 'dream'....

[amy g.]

I think it is all a matter of what you both agree to before you get married. When we first met, I made it very clear to Dh that I would be staying home with my future children, and would not marry anyone who did not want the same kind of family life, and who did not make enough money for me to be comfortable doing that.

 

I feel like he is obligated to put us first because that is what he agreed to do. He knows that I share the same vision for our family and will sacrifice anything to help us reach our shared dream. Our marriage works because we have shared goals.

 

I think it might be different in a marriage where the husband made it very clear that he has a clear vision for his life, and the future wife agrees to do anything to help him reach his dream. He has a right to a different expectation.

[Daisy]

As a preacher's kid, I'm going to say this....

 

No, no, no, no, no.

 

No, you do not have to blindly follow your husband down the ministry rabbit hole. If God is going to call your husband to ministry, you are going to hear that calling also (of course this requires an openness to hearing God's plan for you).

 

No, your husband should not put the church before his wife or his children.

 

If your family is falling apart, your husband is no longer eligible BIBLICALLY for ministry anyway.

 

No, your husband's ministry is not "Too Big To Fail," and thus is not deserving of your family's dying breath.

 

And yes, this burns me up because I grew up with this skewed thinking and it is what justified my father's every atrocious action.

Edited September 25, 2010 by Daisy

[Hedgehog]

Some passages for consideration...

 

Ephesians 5v21-26: Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word...

 

v28-29 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church...

 

v33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

 

1 Timothy 3v1-5: Here is a trustworthy saying: If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer, he desires a noble task. Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?)

[silliness7]

 

And please note that I think a man's calling and his relationship to Christ are two very distinct, different things...

 

 

 

I'm not sure what you mean by the quoted above.

 

How are you defining calling? (A) Is it what a person is passionate about doing or (B)is it what Christ has set before them to do? If you mean A, then I disagree but I see where you are coming from. I think there is a difference between what a person is passionate about doing and what a person is "called" to do. Sometimes they match up and sometimes they don't.

 

I prefer B.

 

The very term implies that someone else is calling another. Calling is not a one man action, unless one is being called by their inner being, which maybe is the way some people view the term.

 

As a Christian, though it is predominantly thought that it is Christ who is doing the calling. Or maybe I'm wrong about most Christians and that's just the way my brand thinks about it.

 

So, in my way of thinking, the two are not and can not be separated. One's relationship to Christ is about Christ loving and forgiving and calling and about the person's loving, and repenting and obeying.

 

Without knowing any particulars about anything I would say that a man can sin against his wife and family while hiding behind a vocational calling, not willing to admit that he is also called to love and cherish his wife, not provoke his children to anger, etc. Perhaps he's thinking that he is not capable of obeying all his callings (and of course, who is w/o the Spirit's help) and then elevating one above the other and choosing to let the other go when he should be seeking the Caller in prayer for the grace needed to accomplish ALL his callings.

 

Of course, a woman can sin against her husband by refusing to be a helpmeet to her husband and refusing to partner with him in his work. A wife can confuse wants with needs and can also neglect seeking the One who has called her in prayer for the grace she needs.

 

I think the answer to the problem for both parties is Prayer and Scripture in order to find the truth about Christ's will and in order to find the strength to obey it. And if that seems impossible to do, Christian counseling. :grouphug:

Edited September 25, 2010 by silliness7

[elegantlion]

I tend to think that since the husband and wife are one flesh, the husband's calling will be the wife's calling whether God will ask her to join him in his work or sacrifice his presence that he may serve God in a greater way. If that calling requires the whole family to sacrifice and walk by faith, I believe that God would grant the grace and faith to the whole family to take that step of faith. Now I believe a wife could be unwilling to follow that difficult path just like the husband may be unwilling to give up his "calling." The key is, are both parties willing for the will of the Lord no matter the cost? If not, there will be tension. If so, the Lord will provide the grace for either one to give up what is not of Him. Scripture tells us that a true disciple will be willing to leave wife and children if need be; however, many men may take that verse and use it wrongly to fulfill some personal dream which they take to be their "calling." Remember, Scripture also says that one who does not make a point to take care of their family is "worse than an infidel." A man and wife should be in unity about any step of faith that requires a tremendous amount of faith in God's daily provision. I think these kinds of decisions should be made together as a couple subitting themselves before God and seeking His will and not their own. My husband and I try to make a habit of seeking His will together and waiting until we are in unity about a decision; it gives us that humility and cushion of assurance that we are in God's will and not seeking our own will. Unity should be sought at all costs with much prayer and fasting if need be.

 

I will humbly disagree on the bolded part. I don't think if a man is called to ministry that his wife necessarily has to be called as well. I've seen too many instances when the husband is hired as pastor and the staff and congregation feel they've gotten a 2-for-1 deal with the wife thrown in free. I've seen pastors' wives literally draw a line in the sand with members because THEY weren't the ones in the ministry. It wasn't a matter of supporting their spouses, it was a matter of, honestly, getting taken advantage of.

 

I think it's wonderful to support your spouse. My dh is self-employed and we've made some tremendous sacrifices over the years for his business. I support him in that, but I don't do his books. I love him too much to get involved into his business. :D

[Jean in Newcastle]

My husband has the spiritual gift of pastor-teacher. This was clear to both of us before we got married. He is not able to support us at this time with only a job as a pastor. So he doesn't - he works 40 plus hours a week as an RN and then pastors on the side. It is extremely busy and at times, tough.

 

I struggle with feeling guilty at times because I stay home and homeschool. But when I've asked dh about it, he feels strongly (as do I) that my calling is to stay at home and homeschool. We both believe that God called us to our individual ministries. And we both believe that if God calls one part of a marriage partnership to something that He includes the other in that plan. It's a package deal because God wants us to be a package deal.

 

His calling to ministry and mine to ministering to our family does not mean that we can put aside our responsibilities to care for our family materially. We try to be wise in our decisions - we just refinanced our home to try and cut down some of our expenses. We are trying to tighten our belt in other ways too. But at the same time, we know that the belt only can go in so far.

 

The financial equation is not the only one we try to balance though. We both have responsibilities to our health - of our bodies and to the emotional health of our marriage and family. That means that we do spend money on good quality food, supplements, health care. That means that when we can, we make date nights or family time a priority too. We include this in our busy calendar and in our financial plans.

 

I believe that God has called us to my dh's ministry. But right now I believe that God has only called him to part-time ministry because that is all that we can do while maintaining the other responsibilities that we believe God has also called him to as a husband and a father. If God wants Him in full-time ministry we pray that He will provide the funds so that dh can do that. But until then, it would be irresponsible for my dh to let his other responsibilities slide.

[Little Nyssa]

1. A calling should be explored over time, with discernment & prayer, and without haste. If it is real it won't go away. If it is just a fantasy designed to take away your focus from the present, it will go away.

2. I don't think God will call someone OUT of a good marriage in order to do ministry to other people. What kind of witness would that be? (BTW in our church a pastor who gets divorced has to quit. In that case he would lose both wife and job. :(

3. Why not get in touch with some pastor's wives and get to know them and see what their lives are like?

Best wishes!!!

[simka2]

I will just tell you a bit about dh and I's situation. I married him when we were both @ seminary. We both had a "call" to ministry. We were in ministry fullfilling that "call" for many years when, I was assaulted by the senior pastor, stalked, dh's reputation was destroyed (for a short period) our "christian" family was turned against us, because we "couldn't talk that way about our spiritual authority who is called by God." and "isn't it ashame that (I) am leading dh away from his calling," spoken by the senior to many congregation leaders and dh's parents.

 

Going thru that had made me see how legalistic I had become. See, God had been telling me for years to leave that place, but dh wouldn't forsake his "calling." I was convinced that the decision had to be mutual...that God would tell my dh, that I needed to submit. I wasn't counting on how spiritually manipulated my dh had become. I see now that I could have left, and been very much okay with God.

 

The good that has come out of it...is that Dh and I have both grown some backbones. We no longer elevate ministry over other callings, or ministers over other people. I doubt dh will ever take a paycheck from a church again, he refuses to be controlled finacially by a senior pastor.

 

I'm not sure God cares a whole lot about callings. I think when we get to heaven we are going to be very surprised. The people we think walked with mammoth size annointings/calling, may have left a trail of brokenness so large as to cancel out any good they ever did. The point is you never know.

 

Someone mentioned John Piper. So long as he stepped down in a way that did not shame his wife...he is my hero. Sometimes I think it is a bigger sacrafice to fade into the background than to continue standing in limelight.

 

Just a note...Dh and I have an amazing relationship now. He has what I call a gifting, an ability to bring healing, comfort and grace into peoples lives...he still does this in a church, but he does it even more so in the market now.

 

If he is any example, I guess I would say this...if it is truly his calling to minister, he will find a way to do it regardless of whether he works at it professionally or personally. Either way, has no bareing on calling.

[Joanne]

No.

[Daisy]

 

I'm not sure God cares a whole lot about callings. I think when we get to heaven we are going to be very surprised. The people we think walked with mammoth size annointings/calling, may have left a trail of brokenness so large as to cancel out any good they ever did. The point is you never know.

 

Someone mentioned John Piper. So long as he stepped down in a way that did not shame his wife...he is my hero. Sometimes I think it is a bigger sacrifice to fade into the background than to continue standing in limelight.

 

 

 

It isn't every day that I agree with you (wink) but you slam-dunked it. I COMPLETELY agree.

Edited September 25, 2010 by Daisy

[Mejane]

 

This is something I've seen several times. The husband has a career that the wife was okay with while they were dating, but not that they are married she complains about the hours/job. :001_huh: "Did you not realize that would be how it was once you married?"

 

Reminds me of what comedian Ray Romano jokingly said to his wife when she complained about his job - "Oh, go cry in a bag of money."

Edited September 25, 2010 by Mejane

[anneofalamo]

I keep posting and then deleting.

 

A husband should not sacrifice his wife and children on the altar of " I am doing this for God."

 

The word sacrifice needs to be defined.

 

One person's definition is different from another.

 

If a man's family is not in order, biblically, he needs to step down, and let God heal that.

If a wife's attitude is funky, he needs to step down and let God heal that.

If he is a funk, then he needs to step down and let God heal that.

 

Easy to write, harder to do.

 

I'm a wife to a Pastor, who works at a minimum paying job to support us, and has scheduled his life to be:

1. Husband

2. Father to 4

3. Pastor to many

4. Work to support the above!

 

We made these choices together and it is not always an easy road, but we see the lives change, and our kids are also supportive, and we discuss this frequently.

 

My husband has said this more than once, "I can not save the world and lose my wife and children."

[Gwenhwyfar]

First, I can't imagine the second question - if the dh is working and the wife is working, how could they not get by? I don't understand. Unless, of course, his calling doesn't pay at all?

 

 

not only have i known many families in that exact situation, but we've been one of them in the past ~ it certainly does happen. two working parents doesn't automatically equal a good income.

[mims]

I firmly do not believe that God would call the husband to ministry and not the wife. We are one and God cares and loves for us both and has a plan for us both. But there is a difference to both seeing God wants you (as a family) in this position and the church deciding they have two for one! My husband could not minister without my full support and excitement about what God is doing. But that doesn't mean I have to play the piano, teach Sunday School, hostess 3 times a week and lead a ladies Bible study. I am quite busy in the church but is has to be where God leads and equips me. I do struggle balancing homeschooling and ministering but I never question that when I submit and listen to God he will lead.

 

I do feel strongly about this because I see both extremes - the wife who feels she has to answer to the church and always do everything right or the wife who says the church is my husbands baby and I don't have to show any interest or care. I feel the second is in response to the first but still is not honoring God and his plan for you as a family unit. God will not call the husband and not equip the wife not honor God and keep a balance in the family.

[Blueridge]

As a preacher's kid, I'm going to say this....

 

No, no, no, no, no.

 

No, you do not have to blindly follow your husband down the ministry rabbit hole. If God is going to call your husband to ministry, you are going to hear that calling also (of course this requires an openness to hearing God's plan for you).

 

No, your husband should not put the church before his wife or his children.

 

If your family is falling apart, your husband is no longer eligible BIBLICALLY for ministry anyway.

 

No, your husband's ministry is not "Too Big To Fail," and thus is not deserving of your family's dying breath.

 

And yes, this burns me up because I grew up with this skewed thinking and it is what justified my father's every atrocious action.

 

:iagree:

[AuntieM]

Not sure how this all fits into the thread, but I am led to think of John Bunyan. (And I am thinking of this in terms of a wife of one in vocational ministry.)

 

Bunyan was called to preach the Gospel of Christ, and any time in the dozen-plus years of his imprisonment could have walked out of Bedford Jail if he agreed to stop preaching. Yet his commitment to his faith led to the birth of (among nearly 60 other works) what has become the most widely published tome second to the Bible, The Pilgrim's Progress. This work has inspired and ministered to thousands upon thousands over the 350 years it has been in print. The effort to produce this great work involved the sacrifice of not just John, but of his entire family. And none of them could have known the future impact of this book, centuries down the road.

 

Life was extremely difficult for his family. But it is written that his wife, Elizabeth, shared his commitment. Though she made personal appeals to authorities on her husband's behalf, she shared his conviction and assurance that her sovereign God could not be denied. She knew the man she was marrying, and, given the times, could probably have guessed that her life would not be easy.

 

I think that type of "calling" is rare these days, especially in our American land of plenty. I think there are many wives who are asked to sacrifice a lot for what is, at best, something rather... mediocre.... Anyway, it certainly helps if they share convictions, else it could be a frustrating (or even fruitless) match.

 

On the flip side, I have seen "family" almost idolized, to the point where the husband and/or wife declines all opportunity for serving others in favor of the next season of (insert any of dozens of pursuits designed to promote "quality family time" but which actually leave us breathless from effort and too fatigued to participate in the difficult things which God may actually desire of us).

 

Just my thoughts, and surely I am rambling on a cloudy Saturday. I tend to think we are, generally speaking, rather spoiled as a generation, as a culture. But I do see bright lights of sacrifice here and there, especially in the home schooling community.

 

 

ETA: I *do* agree with those who have noted the Biblical qualifications for leadership, and certainly would think those must be adhered to.

[Danestress]

 

I guess, my main question is: Should a husband/ father put his family before his calling? Or rather, is his family his primary calling?

 

 

 

I really think that adults have to use discernment and balancing, and it's something they have to do everyday.

 

On the day his child has surgery, he may need to put her first and be there. And if his congregation makes that hard, he may need to be explicit about his needs and intentions.

 

Other days, maybe he needs to put someone else "first" even though his wife might like to be the queen bee. Perhaps she is sick and needs his help with the kids, but he has already agreed to officiate at a funeral. I hope she's able to be "second" on that day and just deal with it, recognizing that some days are like that.

 

There are hard issues for all working people, not just people in official ministry. and I think drawing lines in the sand can make it very hard.

 

I am not sure there can be a lot of firm "shoulds" that are universally applicable. Couples have to work these things out. If there were a set of defined "rules" about what the solution should look like, then the couple would be robbed of the opportunity to grown in maturity and unity by working through problems together.

[Embassy]

God first

Family second

Ministry/Calling/Career third

 

God meant for fathers to be fathers to their children. God meant for a husband to be a husband to his wife. Any calling/ministry/career won't negate that. Maybe some should have never married. But if they have their obligation is to their family over their calling. However, I do believe that obligation isn't for an "easy life" or "comfortable life." The obligation is primarily to be able to put time and effort into raising children and be a husband. If a minister can't do that and follow a calling maybe the calling isn't all God.

[Renee in NC]

not only have i known many families in that exact situation, but we've been one of them in the past ~ it certainly does happen. two working parents doesn't automatically equal a good income.

 

I imagine it is relative to what someone considers a good income.;)

[Renee in NC]

IMHO any woman who supports her husband's calling to sit in the recliner with the Bud watching the pony races all day under the guise of Christianity has a very skewed idea of Christianity and needs help.

 

On the other hand I see nothing wrong with the starving artist (Christian or not) who is supported by his CEO wife (again, Christian or not) so he can pursue his calling/dream. I agree with Renee. A man is not simply a paycheck.

 

 

 

That is exactly what I meant. If my dh would be happy doing a lower paying job and it meant that I would need to work in order to have the standard of living that I want, then I would (and will.) However, I refuse to work so dh can hate a lower paying job he has.:lol:

 

Specifically related to ministry? Well, I am Catholic, so it's kind of a moot question for me, isn't it?:tongue_smilie: However, my brother is in Christian service (he isn't a priest, so not ministry per se.) He and his wife agreed to this together, even if it means that they live a lower standard of living than they might otherwise. She plans to homeschool and their income isn't superlow (comparatively, anyway - I am sure plenty would say it is!) His job requires travel, but he takes them with him whenever he can. His then-pregnant wife and baby daughter even spent a week at camp with him!:D

 

I still don't see much of a difference between any other job and ministry, though. A man can spend too much time at work at just about any job. As for pay, that goes back to expectations.

[Gwenhwyfar]

not only have i known many families in that exact situation, but we've been one of them in the past ~ it certainly does happen. two working parents doesn't automatically equal a good income

 

I imagine it is relative to what someone considers a good income.;)

 

true... though i can tell you that in our case, at that time, we still fell under the 'ceiling' for social assistance programs even with two incomes. working poor or whatever people want to call it, i guess.

[FO4UR]

Should a wife support her husband's calling or dream not matter what?

 

What if his calling doesn't support his wife and kids well enough for her to stay home? Or worse, (in my opinion) well enough for them to even get by with his wife working?

 

And, here's the even bigger question: what if a minister's wife leaves him? should he leave "the ministry" and fight for her? Or just let her go and stay in the ministry?

 

Lots of tough questions, I know. I am asking them with a sweet spirit, though they might touch on some bitter issues. These questions have just been pouring through my mind and on my heart lately and I wanted some intelligent feedback from a variety of women in various places.

 

I guess, my main question is: Should a husband/ father put his family before his calling? Or rather, is his family his primary calling?

 

I tend to think that one calling has to come before the other in order of importance and at times. And, at other times, they aren't mutually exclusive... but at other times, one has to be chosen before the other. And please note that I think a man's calling and his relationship to Christ are two very distinct, different things...

 

Okay. That's all.

 

I won't be able to dialog with you all about this, so just know that I will be posting this question and then "making a run for it." ;) Ha. Ha. Ha. But, really...my daughter's birthday party is later this afternoon, so it's a busy morning and I won't be able to look at the computer again for sometime.

 

But, I will look forward to hearing what you all have to say. :grouphug:

 

No!

 

If a man doesn't have his own family in order, he isn't eligible for ministry!

[justamouse]

I will just tell you a bit about dh and I's situation. I married him when we were both @ seminary. We both had a "call" to ministry. We were in ministry fullfilling that "call" for many years when, I was assaulted by the senior pastor, stalked, dh's reputation was destroyed (for a short period) our "christian" family was turned against us, because we "couldn't talk that way about our spiritual authority who is called by God." and "isn't it ashame that (I) am leading dh away from his calling," spoken by the senior to many congregation leaders and dh's parents.

 

Going thru that had made me see how legalistic I had become. See, God had been telling me for years to leave that place, but dh wouldn't forsake his "calling." I was convinced that the decision had to be mutual...that God would tell my dh, that I needed to submit. I wasn't counting on how spiritually manipulated my dh had become. I see now that I could have left, and been very much okay with God.

 

The good that has come out of it...is that Dh and I have both grown some backbones. We no longer elevate ministry over other callings, or ministers over other people. I doubt dh will ever take a paycheck from a church again, he refuses to be controlled finacially by a senior pastor.

 

I'm not sure God cares a whole lot about callings. I think when we get to heaven we are going to be very surprised. The people we think walked with mammoth size annointings/calling, may have left a trail of brokenness so large as to cancel out any good they ever did. The point is you never know.

 

Someone mentioned John Piper. So long as he stepped down in a way that did not shame his wife...he is my hero. Sometimes I think it is a bigger sacrafice to fade into the background than to continue standing in limelight.

 

Just a note...Dh and I have an amazing relationship now. He has what I call a gifting, an ability to bring healing, comfort and grace into peoples lives...he still does this in a church, but he does it even more so in the market now.

 

If he is any example, I guess I would say this...if it is truly his calling to minister, he will find a way to do it regardless of whether he works at it professionally or personally. Either way, has no bearing on calling.

 

Wow. You rock.

 

 

What she said.

 

esp this

 

I'm not sure God cares a whole lot about callings. I think when we get to heaven we are going to be very surprised. The people we think walked with mammoth size annointings/calling, may have left a trail of brokenness so large as to cancel out any good they ever did.

 

 

I'm coming at this from a house chuched/organic church model and I'll say that if a person withing the group has a 'calling' it will be expressed within their community and making a living at that 'calling' isn't a part of it- they'll have a job that supports thier family (or whatever ) and fulfill thier 'calling' in thier life without expecting a whole 'ministry/life' to be developed BY that family--now, if that calling gets bigger than they are-if someone writes a book and it becomes a bestseller and it is something that happens organically-then that's a horse of a different color-but to have a family 'take up thier cross and follow' what a husband thinks God said, no. And I think it's dirty pool to guilt a wife into following, agreeing, whathave you if she doesn't want to (esp using 'spiritual authority' over the family)

 

What lite questions! ;)

[VBoulden]

Thanks for all the responses. They were all so intelligent and even enlightening. I am so impressed with this online community of ladies. I have absolutely nothing to add. I will just "ponder these things in my heart." Thanks, everyone. :grouphug:

[VBoulden]

Okay, maybe I do have something to add...;) My husband was listening to this song today (and I saw a tear or two in his eye. Nothing actually trickled out, because he's tough like that. :D). But, he made me listen to it (and I cried like a big, fat baby). It's a song about marriage. I put a link to the video below. When I was done listening to it, I thought that perhaps even we Christians don't have a high enough view of marriage at times. At times, I think I forget what an honor it is to serve, serve and do still more dishes. ;) And marriage is, after all, a picture of Christ and his church.

 

[Hedgehog]

Okay, maybe I do have something to add...;) My husband was listening to this song today (and I saw a tear or two in his eye. Nothing actually trickled out, because he's tough like that. :D). But, he made me listen to it (and I cried like a big, fat baby). It's a song about marriage. I put a link to the video below. When I was done listening to it, I thought that perhaps even we Christians don't have a high enough view of marriage at times. At times, I think I forget what an honor it is to serve, serve and do still more dishes. ;) And marriage is, after all, a picture of Christ and his church.

 

 

What an amazing song. I've been quietly crying here for the truth of it.

[Sophia]

When I was done listening to it, I thought that perhaps even we Christians don't have a high enough view of marriage at times. At times, I think I forget what an honor it is to serve, serve and do still more dishes. ;) And marriage is, after all, a picture of Christ and his church.

 

 

 

What a beautiful song. Thanks for sharing.

[Daisy]

Okay, maybe I do have something to add...;) My husband was listening to this song today (and I saw a tear or two in his eye. Nothing actually trickled out, because he's tough like that. :D). But, he made me listen to it (and I cried like a big, fat baby). It's a song about marriage. I put a link to the video below. When I was done listening to it, I thought that perhaps even we Christians don't have a high enough view of marriage at times. At times, I think I forget what an honor it is to serve, serve and do still more dishes. ;) And marriage is, after all, a picture of Christ and his church.

 

 

 

This is one of my most favorite songs!

[Dayle in Guatemala]

Here's my take on it--again, without reading all the other responses. But, this is a very personal question to me because it's been my life in one way or another.

 

I knew for years before I married my dh that ministry was what we were going to be doing--together. I knew it, and I accepted it. Neither one of us had ever been in a family where we saw how that played out. It was all just us deciding how it would look for our family.

 

My dh was adamant that I be a stay-at-home mom if at all possible and for the most part, that has happened. He has worked 2, sometimes 3 jobs to supplement out income so that I could be home. He has always made time for me and the kids and has even cancelled meetings and obligations at times if he felt it would adversely effect our family.

 

Then came the time to move to Guatemala. I DID NOT want to come here. It was all him. But, I felt that for years and years he supported me in being home with the kids and home schooling, this was my chance to support him in his dream and vision. So we moved. I'm so grateful that we did.

 

I've never felt second place, even when ministry had to come first. We are a team. These are choices we had made. It's been tough--a lot. But, we are better for it and very thankful for each other. Our family is always first in his heart, even if he can't physically put us first at times. I know that, the kids know that, and that's all that matters.

[Food4Thought]

You've gotten some great responses already. I, too, struggle with these things as the wife of a pastor.

 

I specifically wanted to respond to this:

"What if his calling doesn't support his wife and kids well enough for her to stay home? Or worse, (in my opinion) well enough for them to even get by with his wife working?"

 

There are two sides to this one, and it's a struggle I often have. We are technically making less than the recognized "poverty level" right now. I don't like it. However, I find that this struggle often ends with me worrying about money and then God providing everything and more than we need to get by at just the right time. Last month was a great example - the paycheck was gone for auto repairs by the first week, and I was getting stressed. Then an unexpected check for $1500 came in from some webwork we had done.

 

Over the years I have cut back tremendously, got us out of debt, and packed away a nice little nest egg of savings. So I guess the question is: Does his job *really* not support you? Or do you worry too much or need too much to live on the income provided for you? (Some days I think it would be great if my husband made more money. But to wish for something different just makes me bitter, resentful, and disrespectful. What would I spend the extra money on anyway?)

 

On the other hand, when it's not enough (and most churches are absolute misers and don't think pastors should be paid anyway), then it really is time for the man to step up and provide for his family in whatever way he is capable. "But if any man does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. " 1 Timothy 5:8"

 

I hope you and your husband come to peace on the subject and are both able to discern God's real purpose for your lives.

[OnTheBrink]

I'm going to preface this by saying that I don't believe in "callings". Not in the way it's usually defined, anyway. That said, if a man's "calling" is to the detriment of the family, it's not of God and the wife has every right to speak up about it. By "detriment" I mean that the family will be harmed, go without food/shelter/clothing, etc. I don't mean it as the lifestyle will change, or the family will have to move, or some such situation that is a common variable when the major provider makes a career change.

[Joanne]

I'm going to preface this by saying that I don't believe in "callings". Not in the way it's usually defined, anyway. That said, if a man's "calling" is to the detriment of the family, it's not of God and the wife has every right to speak up about it. By "detriment" I mean that the family will be harmed, go without food/shelter/clothing, etc. I don't mean it as the lifestyle will change, or the family will have to move, or some such situation that is a common variable when the major provider makes a career change.

 

About the bolded, this is one reason that I am skeptical of some non Christian religions. There are prophets and leaders in other spiritual traditions that left their families; I don't believe any Higher Power would command, suggest or encourage this.

 

I have yet to do the research, but I sure hope that the 12 disciples took their families when they became fishers of men.

[jld]

I haven't read the other replies, but I wouldn't support something like that. We have a family, we have responsibilities, and his is to earn money. That's just how it is.

 

I remember a family here in our town where the wife was sick with a chronic illness, they owed a ton of money on their new house, and the man decided he was called into ministry. The wife's parents bought them a house in the town where he decided to go to seminary. I guess if you have help like that, you can follow your calling. The rest of us have to fund callings.

 

When I expressed skepticism about this decision, someone told me I didn't understand the call of God. I guess not.:D

[kamom]

You have gotten quite a few posts that see it just like I would. A man's first 'calling" is to his family. "But if any man does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. " 1 Timothy 5:8"

So how can you seperate a calling from his responsibility as a husband? I would question such a calling. I believe the church brothers should point out the error if his family is neglected.

Now if he is pastor and does not have enough income to support the family, he should make his needs known to the church.

[VBoulden]

One thing I'd like to clarify: I asked these questions. I am really interested in the answers, but my husband is not in the ministry. He's an engineer.