How would you answer this?

[Hedgehog]

This isn't the first time I have received such an email from this person, but previously I ignored the request because at the time I was going through a difficult time in my relationship with my husband. I am at a loss as to how to respond. Everything I try out sounds rude. Here's the email:

 

"Hi,

 

Hope you are well. I find you from the -W- contact list. [This is a yahoo support group for local homeschoolers.]

 

I hope your home educating is going well.

 

I have been looking for anyone with children within the same age range and hobbies as mine.

 

I have a girl aged 8, who would love to meet your girls. I believe yours are aged 9 and 7, or maybe they are now 10 and 8 as the list I have was printed last year in October.

 

I don't know about your children, but my girl doesnt have much friends they same age, and therefore I am looking to find someone who can be her friend and socialise with her at our house.

 

You are welcome to pop down with your kids anytime. We live in -X-, and I see you are just in -Y-. My daughters hobbies include, reading, drawing, painting now and again, playing Nintendo-DS, talking loads like yours.

 

Would love to hear from you.

 

Take care.

 

From (the dad's name)"

 

EDITED TO ADD:

 

We know the family are either Muslim or Hindu for sure, although this doesn't denote skin color as there are a number of white people here who are turning to Islam. I don't have a problem with people believing or being different to me, but I'm an introvert and very anxious when I meet new people. I know that the cultures are very different, I am nervous of saying or doing an offensive thing without realising it. It always takes me a long time to get to know anyone. We are also planning to move to North America within 18mos, and are very likely to move to London first - probably around December - so it greatly limits my opportunities for developing a friendship with this family.

 

I know that the family go to two homeschooling groups in their city, which is 45mins-1hrs drive away from us. One of these is large and there are plenty of children around the age of this man's daughter. 4 years ago, when we lived nearer to this city, we attended this group (it was much smaller then) and I sort of know a few people who still go. I contacted one of them - she is a group leader - but all she could tell me was that she had seen this dad and his child (children?) attend, and sometimes the child came with her mom. She hadn't had any proper conversation with either of them. We occasionally attend a local homeschool group in our town, but not as much as we used to since I'm now spending more time sorting and packing things for storage.

 

From the conversations I've had in the past with other homeschoolers, I believe that most people wouldn't find it acceptable to just go round to someone's house that they'd never met. We've moved 8 times in 12 years, mostly living in towns, and I have not come across anyone else who has asked me on email to visit them at their home as a first time meet. My experience thus far is that you meet other homeschooling families at activity days or clubs, and friendship might or might not progress from there. For me, I'd need to know the parents pretty well first before I visited the family at home.

 

So please help me formulate some kind of reply that gently but firmly says no thanks. I am so stumped.

Edited August 27, 2010 by Hedgehog
Not enough info in the first post.

[NanceXToo]

Well, you know, it might be kind of nice. I think it's good that they are making an effort to reach out to another homeschooling family, trying to find friendships for their children who apparently don't have many friendships. This is proactive and a good thing.

 

And maybe, unlike theirs, your children already DO have enough friends, but could a couple more hurt?

 

If you're not comfortable with going to their house or inviting them to yours, can't you suggest meeting somewhere at a park or playground and conversing and letting the kids play and just seeing how it goes?

 

If the girls hit it off and do want to get together at each other's houses, you can discuss your expectations/concerns for home visits with the other parent.

 

But why just shut them out? I guess I don't get why you feel the need to say "no thanks." It would be doing something nice for another family/child, and perhaps forging a friendship for your own. Maybe not. But you'll never know if you're unwilling to give someone a chance.

[Brenda in FL]

This isn't the first time I have received such an email from this person, but previously I ignored the request :001_unsure: I am at a loss as to how to respond. Everything I try out sounds rude. Here's the email:

 

"Hi,

 

Hope you are well. I find you from the WYHEC contact list. [This is a yahoo support group for local homeschoolers.]

 

I hope your home educating is going well.

 

I have been looking for anyone with children within the same age range and hobbies as mine.

 

I have a girl aged 8, who would love to meet your girls. I believe yours are aged 9 and 7, or maybe they are now 10 and 8 as the list I have was printed last year in October.

 

I don't know about your children, but my girl doesnt have much friends they same age, and therefore I am looking to find someone who can be her friend and socialise with her at our house.

 

You are welcome to pop down with your kids anytime. We live in -X-, and I see you are just in -Y-. My daughters hobbies include, reading, drawing, painting now and again, playing Nintendo-DS, talking loads like yours.

 

Would love to hear from you.

 

Take care."

 

A bit of background information.. we are fairly strict Christians, and I know from someone else who knows the family that they are either Muslim or Hindu. I don't have a problem with other people believing different to me, but I might not choose to spend a lot of time with them. As a personal choice, we are also not keen for our kids to spend much time on the computer or watch movies.

 

Here in the UK, I believe that most people wouldn't find it acceptable to just go round to someone's house that they'd never met. Normally, you meet other homeschooling families at activity days or clubs, and friendship might or might not progress from there. I'd need to know the parents pretty well first before I visited the family at home.

 

So please help me formulate some kind of reply that gently but firmly says no thanks. I am so stumped.

 

Personally, if she lived very close - I would offer to get together at a park or museum. I don't know why being a strict Christian should be a deterrant - if anything it should compel you to reach out to a family that doesn't know Christ - God just may be wanting to use you and your family to show them His love. However, it sounds like you just aren't interested in pursuing the relationship - so just say so. You don't need to give any reasons.

[Hedgehog]

I guess I don't get why you feel the need to say "no thanks."

 

Sorry. In my bother and haste, I forgot to put what is probably the biggest reason why I want to say no.. we are very likely moving sooner rather than later. Dh is from Canada, and we are planning, Lord willing, to move back there within 18mos. And although that may be enough time to enjoy a short friendship, it's not even sure that we're actually going to be staying here in Yorkshire - dh wants to move to London first as it will be easier to sort visas and passports out and ourselves moved across when it actually comes to it.

[Jenn in Mo]

A lot can happen in a year and a half. I vote for a park visit.

[Dobela]

Well, you know, it might be kind of nice. I think it's good that they are making an effort to reach out to another homeschooling family, trying to find friendships for their children who apparently don't have many friendships. This is proactive and a good thing.

 

And maybe, unlike theirs, your children already DO have enough friends, but could a couple more hurt?

 

If you're not comfortable with going to their house or inviting them to yours, can't you suggest meeting somewhere at a park or playground and conversing and letting the kids play and just seeing how it goes?

 

If the girls hit it off and do want to get together at each other's houses, you can discuss your expectations/concerns for home visits with the other parent.

 

But why just shut them out? I guess I don't get why you feel the need to say "no thanks." It would be doing something nice for another family/child, and perhaps forging a friendship for your own. Maybe not. But you'll never know if you're unwilling to give someone a chance.

:iagree: They need friends, you need friends. Even if it is just for a few months, it can be a blessing for both. I am a very conservative Christian and very particular about what my son is exposed to. However, one of my best friends is Jewish and another family we love being around is not attached to any religion. The differences have led to some great conversations between my son and I about different religions and why we believe what we do. When we are together religion almost never comes up because there is just so much more to talk about than that - kids, activities, TV, hobbies like knitting, husbands, and so on. We are much more alike than we are different.

 

I would ask her to meet in a kid friendly place and take time to get to know her. Your kids may really hit it off, or they may not. But until you give it a chance you will never know.

[Cindyg]

I wouldn't have any problem receiving or sending that e-mail.

 

We live in the country. My son is an only child. And he doesn't make friends easily (or feel the need to hang around with other kids). So there have been many times that I tried to initiate playdate-friendships with other kids who were conveniently located, or whatever.

 

My preference for best friends is someone whose lifestyle and values are similar to ours. (You mentioned their religion). But we're talking about a get-to-know-each-other playdate here.

 

If I could put them our schedule, I'd be delighted to hear from them like this.

[Daisy]

This is a tough one. I see three options.

 

1. You are honest and tell her the deal, of course, thanking her for her kind email. (This is probably the best and most transparent response though it may hurt her feelings. It is the quick death.)

 

2. You can give her a chance but on neutral ground by agreeing to meet some place or maybe inviting her to a homeschool group you are involved in. (Has the potential of turning into a slow agonizing death or a great friendship).

 

3. Continue to ignore it and hope she doesn't contact you directly. (I personally think this is MORE rude than #1).

 

You either want to pursue it or you don't.

Edited August 26, 2010 by Daisy

[SailorMom]

I vote for a park or museum visit as well. It takes care of the house and the video issues. Which leaves the religious ones.

My kids have been pretty much unable to make any homeschooling friends because of our religious beliefs. Most homeschoolers here are Christian, we are not, and while they are very gracious at large get togethers, I have been flat out told that they do not allow their children to play with kids who don't go to their church or youth group.

This family sounds as if they are having the same problems.

It isn't like religion is contagious. All religions have strong moral values. Usually kids don't even talk about it......

Not being judgemental, and I'm saying all of this in a nice tone of voice (everyone has to make their owndecisions), but it is hard to be a non-Christian homeschool family - I can relate to her reaching out - I used to.

[astrid]

This isn't the first time I have received such an email from this person, but previously I ignored the request :001_unsure: I am at a loss as to how to respond. Everything I try out sounds rude.

 

 

Maybe it's because it's kinda rude? These people sound like they're trying to reach out and be friendly, why not accept their overture? I'd think it would be a nice way to model Christian love to your children. What could a park play date hurt?

 

astrid

[Gwenhwyfar]

I would ask her to meet in a kid friendly place and take time to get to know her. Your kids may really hit it off, or they may not. But until you give it a chance you will never know.

 

:iagree:

 

(and just because you may move away doesn't mean you couldn't remain friends. i have some very good friends who live on the other side of the country - and the other side of the world!)

[astrid]

I agree. Both dd and I would be thrilled to get an email like this. How fun! And what a great opportunity to learn about another culture!

 

astrid

[jazzyfizzle]

I agree. Both dd and I would be thrilled to get an email like this. How fun! And what a great opportunity to learn about another culture!

 

astrid

 

 

Same here.

[Daisy]

Well, if I'm honest I would HATE to get an email like this. Not because of the religion issue but because I'm an introvert and cannot stand to do the whole friendship dance. It would feel even less worth it if I knew I was moving soon.

 

I often wonder why introverts are such magnets for people in need of friendship?

 

Anyway, I'd probably guilt myself into meeting at a park.

[Carol in Cal.]

Wow.

She's never met this family, and is being approached on the internet to bring her children over to play, and people are critical of her not wanting to do that?

Wow.

 

I think that the approach is weird, really really weird. I can't imagine sending someone a note in this fashion. And if someone sent me a note like that, I would not really know what to do.

 

I don't think that you're really obligated to answer this note. You don't even know these people. But maybe you could say something like, "It's so nice of you to invite us, but we are really not able to spend any more time on playdates right now due to school starting. Perhaps we'll see you at <insert upcoming homeschooling field trip title>"

 

I hasten to add, I have met homeschoolers through several online communities, and really enjoyed doing so! But I never thought that they should come to my house or that I should go to theirs for our very first meeting. That just seems to violate a social boundary in a really strange way. Now, there are some people here who I would do that with--people with whom I feel a friendship because we have posted together and candidly for so long. But I'm still not so sure it's a good idea. And it doesn't sound as if these two list-members have gotten to know each other very well online.

[Tree House Academy]

It sounds, to me, like you really just don't want to/have no interest in getting to know this family at all. I am not sure you have any "really good reasons" other than that you just don't want to... which is fine. I guess, in that case, I would just continue to ignore the request. Or say something like, "thank you for the offer, but we are very busy right now and just can't add one more thing."

 

Like the others, I think it would be nice of you to reach out to them, but if you don't want to...then you don't want to.

[Daisy]

Wow.

She's never met this family, and is being approached on the internet to bring her children over to play, and people are critical of her not wanting to do that?

Wow.

 

I think that the approach is weird, really really weird. I can't imagine sending someone a note in this fashion. And if someone sent me a note like that, I would not really know what to do.

 

I don't think that you're really obligated to answer this note. You don't even know these people. But maybe you could say something like, "It's so nice of you to invite us, but we are really not able to spend any more time on playdates right now due to school starting. Perhaps we'll see you at <insert upcoming homeschooling field trip title>"

 

I hasten to add, I have met homeschoolers through several online communities, and really enjoyed doing so! But I never thought that they should come to my house or that I should go to theirs for our very first meeting. That just seems to violate a social boundary in a really strange way. Now, there are some people here who I would do that with--people with whom I feel a friendship because we have posted together and candidly for so long. But I'm still not so sure it's a good idea. And it doesn't sound as if these two list-members have gotten to know each other very well online.

 

It sounds like she knows about them through a 3rd party but normally I would agree with you. Who knows if it could be some creepy old guy emailing.

[Mabeline]

Wow.

She's never met this family, and is being approached on the internet to bring her children over to play, and people are critical of her not wanting to do that?

Wow.

 

I think that the approach is weird, really really weird. I can't imagine sending someone a note in this fashion. And if someone sent me a note like that, I would not really know what to do.

 

I don't think that you're really obligated to answer this note. You don't even know these people. But maybe you could say something like, "It's so nice of you to invite us, but we are really not able to spend any more time on playdates right now due to school starting. Perhaps we'll see you at <insert upcoming homeschooling field trip title>"

 

I hasten to add, I have met homeschoolers through several online communities, and really enjoyed doing so! But I never thought that they should come to my house or that I should go to theirs for our very first meeting. That just seems to violate a social boundary in a really strange way. Now, there are some people here who I would do that with--people with whom I feel a friendship because we have posted together and candidly for so long. But I'm still not so sure it's a good idea. And it doesn't sound as if these two list-members have gotten to know each other very well online.

 

:iagree: It would weird me out to have people that I don't even know, invite me to take my children to their home. My reaction would be different if it was an invite to the park or an other public place. To the OP: I would just let them know that you are moving soon and things are too busy for playdates.

[Mergath]

 

A bit of background information.. we are fairly strict Christians, and I know from someone else who knows the family that they are either Muslim or Hindu. I don't have a problem with other people believing different to me, but I might not choose to spend a lot of time with them.

 

Wow. That's a really, really unhealthy opinion to model for your children, imo. You can see from my sig what our faith is, and I have some seriously problems with the theology of some fundamentalist Christians, but I would never dream of forbidding my dd to hang out with someone because of their religion. Though, at this age, it's really the parent's religion. Most children couldn't care less about theological debates.

 

Also, you might want to find out from the family what their beliefs are, if it's really that big of a deal. Getting it thirdhand might not be reliable, and people tend to make assumptions based on things like skin color. If they think the people are either Muslim or Hindu, then they don't know, because the two are completely unrelated. They probably just took a wild guess based on physical appearance.

Edited August 26, 2010 by Mergath

[Mergath]

To the OP: I would just let them know that you are moving soon and things are too busy for playdates.

 

I disagree. No one is too busy for playdates 18 months before a possible move. The family is going to know it's an excuse, and will probably just be more hurt.

[Dawn in OH]

If you really are not interested in getting together with them, send a polite reply stating that while you would like together, your family has a very busy schedule this season.

 

If you would like to meet her and see if you and your kids like her family, suggest an outing to a more public location such as a park or playground.

[Corraleno]

If they think the people are either Muslim or Hindu, then they don't know, because the two are completely unrelated. They probably just took a wild guess based on physical appearance.

Yep. In the UK, religion tends to be less of an issue than ethnicity; saying someone is "either Hindu or Muslim" is another way of saying they are brown — Indian or Pakistani. It sounds to me like the OP has already decided that this family are not potential/suitable friends, so there is no point in even meeting them.

 

Jackie

Edited August 26, 2010 by Corraleno

[jujsky]

I see absolutely nothing wrong with the e-mail and it puzzles me that you do. If you don't want to meet them you can either ignore the e-mail or respond that your calendar is quite full of activities, and if you have time in the future for a playdate you will contact her. If you do think your kids would hit it off, but you aren't comfortable meeting at her house the first time then you you can always suggest meeting at a public place.

[Gwenhwyfar]

Wow.

She's never met this family, and is being approached on the internet to bring her children over to play, and people are critical of her not wanting to do that?

Wow.

 

I think that the approach is weird, really really weird. I can't imagine sending someone a note in this fashion. And if someone sent me a note like that, I would not really know what to do.

 

I don't think that you're really obligated to answer this note. You don't even know these people. But maybe you could say something like, "It's so nice of you to invite us, but we are really not able to spend any more time on playdates right now due to school starting. Perhaps we'll see you at <insert upcoming homeschooling field trip title>"

 

I hasten to add, I have met homeschoolers through several online communities, and really enjoyed doing so! But I never thought that they should come to my house or that I should go to theirs for our very first meeting. That just seems to violate a social boundary in a really strange way. Now, there are some people here who I would do that with--people with whom I feel a friendship because we have posted together and candidly for so long. But I'm still not so sure it's a good idea. And it doesn't sound as if these two list-members have gotten to know each other very well online.

 

My understanding is that both families belong to a local group and have their information on the group's contact list -- the purpose of that being, I assume, so that local homeschoolers can contact each other.

 

This doesn't sound at all weird to me... it *does* sound like the person who wrote it speaks something other than English as their first language...but the general idea itself - connecting with other homeschoolers - doesn't strike me as odd at all.

 

(Heck, that's basically how I found the local homeschoolers when we moved to a new town - I came across a blog written by one of them and fired off an email along the lines of "Hi! Just moved to town and would love to make some connections in the local homeschool community blah blah blah".)

[Halcyon]

I would LOVE to receive an email like this. :) Someone being open, honest, and straightforward, saying they don't have tons of friends, but you sound nice and would you like to meet? Sounds wonderful!! In our neighborhood, people are visiting at houses all the time, whether you know them well or not. So maybe she just has a different style than you? I think it would be wonderful to meet people of different backgrounds and culture and religion than myself. The world is a wonderful, wide, diverse place and how nice to have some diversity right in your own 'hood.

 

;)

 

This isn't the first time I have received such an email from this person, but previously I ignored the request :001_unsure: I am at a loss as to how to respond. Everything I try out sounds rude. Here's the email:

 

"Hi,

 

Hope you are well. I find you from the WYHEC contact list. [This is a yahoo support group for local homeschoolers.]

 

I hope your home educating is going well.

 

I have been looking for anyone with children within the same age range and hobbies as mine.

 

I have a girl aged 8, who would love to meet your girls. I believe yours are aged 9 and 7, or maybe they are now 10 and 8 as the list I have was printed last year in October.

 

I don't know about your children, but my girl doesnt have much friends they same age, and therefore I am looking to find someone who can be her friend and socialise with her at our house.

 

You are welcome to pop down with your kids anytime. We live in -X-, and I see you are just in -Y-. My daughters hobbies include, reading, drawing, painting now and again, playing Nintendo-DS, talking loads like yours.

 

Would love to hear from you.

 

Take care."

 

A bit of background information.. we are fairly strict Christians, and I know from someone else who knows the family that they are either Muslim or Hindu. I don't have a problem with other people believing different to me, but I might not choose to spend a lot of time with them. As a personal choice, we are also not keen for our kids to spend much time on the computer or watch movies.

 

Here in the UK, I believe that most people wouldn't find it acceptable to just go round to someone's house that they'd never met. Normally, you meet other homeschooling families at activity days or clubs, and friendship might or might not progress from there. I'd need to know the parents pretty well first before I visited the family at home.

 

So please help me formulate some kind of reply that gently but firmly says no thanks. I am so stumped.

[GraciebytheBay]

I have to say that this type of email would stress me out majorly! I don't crave get-togethers with people (introvert by nature) and have a difficult time maintaining the few relationships I already have. I am not rude, nor am I stuck up. People have different personalities, and some enjoy new opportunities like this more than others. Saying no with a nicely worded email does not make the OP rude, as one response stated! She was contacted out of the blue by someone she does not know, who asked if her children could come to their house to play. I will admit that this makes my warning bells go off! Honestly, I think her main reason for not getting together is quite valid (moving soon and probably not staying in the area for long).

Edited August 26, 2010 by GraciebytheBay

[RanchGirl]

You might consider setting up an hour at a park just to see what happens. If you don't click, you made a nice gesture and spent an hour outside. I know with two boys who are great friends, my kids have a lot of their social needs met just hanging out at home. They still have a lot of friends outside the family, but they always have a built in friend at home too. Then they have lots of easy connections through sports too. I was thinking recently that this is a big blessing for us, a luxury of friend opportunities some families don't have. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, this just came to my mind. Anyhoo....

 

I would either say "yes, let's meet at a park" or "thanks for the email, I can't get together right now but I sure appreciate the offer and will let you know if something changes in the future."

 

However, if you are get a weird vibe or are very shy or just aren't looking for new friends right now, you don't have to justify your feeling. Because you have an indirect connection to this person (through a friend of a friend), I think a courteous response is in order - rather than leaving her hanging.

 

P.S. I did not follow my own advice once, I blew someone off and ignored her voice mails rather than politely decline or agree to a get together. Now I completely regret it, primarily because it was utterly rude of me, but also because this woman recently became the leader of the homeschool chapter of an organization I am trying to join. Fortunately she has been very gracious so far, but I have to live with the memory of my jerky behaviour -- sheesh I could kick myself.

[hornblower]

I think you need to take your name off the contact list

 

or

 

add a note that you're 'currently not interested in making new friends'.

 

In many places - including where I am in Canada! take note OP! :) - these hs contact lists are partly there for this specific reason: so people can find other families with similar aged kids & make new friendships.

[Mrs Mungo]

A lot can happen in a year and a half. I vote for a park visit.

 

:iagree:

[springmama]

When I moved to AL from PA I sent out tons of emails like this. I wanted new friends and I wanted my kids to have friends. It worked! I made lots of friends and I'm very happy now. I'm so glad none of these wonderful Christian ladies rejected me before ever seeing my face. I have learned so much from them and have grown in my faith so much.

 

Can you not put yourself in her shoes, cut her some slack and meet her at the park? Maybe she's lovely and maybe she'll turn out to be a great friend. Or maybe you can set aside any concerns about whether or not she or her children would be good for you and just be a friend to someone who needs it without needing to gain anything for yourself?

 

I can understand not wanting to be in a strangers home, but what is the harm in a playdate in the park?

[dragons in the flower bed]

In the UK, religion tends to be less of an issue than ethnicity; saying someone is "either Hindu or Muslim" is another way of saying they are brown — Indian or Pakistani. It sounds to me like the OP has already decided that this family are not potential/suitable friends, so there is no point in even meeting them.

 

Oh dear. It sounds to me that the OP is not a suitable friend for this "Hindu or Muslim" family, either. I hope the email writer's little girl finds people in their community who will act Christianly towards them.

 

 

ETA: Blergh. Foot in mouth. I shouldn't have said what I did. It's disingenuous to make "I wish" statements that are hidden criticisms. I should have just said, "That's un-Christian, here's the e-mail you should write to her: 'Dear __, I'd love to get to know your family better. How about we meet at a park and see if the girls click?'" Excuse my error there.

Edited August 26, 2010 by dragons in the flower bed

[Catwoman]

When I read the woman's email, all I could think is that this is a woman who really loves her kids and wants them to have friends so much, that she's willing to invite strangers into her home. (She has probably heard good things about you from third parties, so isn't worried that you'll turn out to be lunatics.)

 

I kind of wanted to give her a big hug.

 

That said, if you don't want to be friends with her, I would do what others have recommended -- politely email her about being too busy to get together, and say you hope you'll bump into her and her dds at a future homeschool function.

 

I think you may be pre-judging the woman too harshly, as there was nothing in her email that could have been considered offensive. Hey, if she lets her kids watch movies and do things that you don't allow your dds to do, what's the big deal, as long as she respects your decision to live a different kind of lifestyle, and doesn't push her beliefs on you and your dds?

 

Personally, I would invite the woman to join you and your dds at a homeschool group meeting or field trip, so you'd be in a group, and if you didn't hit it off, it wouldn't be awkward. I wouldn't feel comfortable going to her home, either, unless you lived in the same neighborhood or something (and I know you don't.)

 

Of course, it's your decision, but whatever you decide to do, I hope you will be very gracious toward this woman, who was probably uncomfortable sending the email and is worried that she is appearing desperate for friends. Try to put yourself in her position, and see how difficult it is to approach new people, and think about how much she must care about her dds if she's willing to go this far to help them make new friends. For all you know, she may not be a naturally outgoing person, and this could be torture for her.

 

Cat

[Hedgehog]

Thanks for your thoughts. Obviously people have very different views of the whole situation, and I can see that perhaps I am being negative about this. However it was reassuring to read of at least one person who also thought the email-would-you-like-to-come-to-my-house approach was not the usual way of making friends.

 

I'm truly sorry if I've offended anyone over what I wrote, that wasn't the intention at all. :sad: I hope you understand that I really don't have a problem with people believing whatever they choose - or nothing. It seems that I've come across to some as narrow minded and unwilling to mix with anyone who was different to me, but that's not the case. Most fine days all four of my children play out with their friends in the cul-de-sac after school. Not one of them goes to our church, and there's a fair mix of religious/life beliefs and skin color.

 

I will put my hands up to this.. I'm an introvert, very nervous of meeting anyone, I am struggling with even the thought of saying that we could meet at all.

[tofuscramble]

I'm pretty stunned by the OP actually. I am shocked that one would not let their kids play with certain other kids because they are of a different faith/race.

 

I hope people like that stay WELL away from me and mine.

[kwickimom]

I shared a few emails with a poster here and met her at her house for playtime, having never had met her before. And we had a great time!

 

Of course, if you feel uncomfortable at all I would just say no thanks.

 

ETA: I dont think an email is weird at all. I emailed another local family here and asked to meet at a park. I emailed a lady from our church that I heard homeschools and asked for a playday. Thats about the only way I have to make homeschool friends right now. How else are you going to meet people???

Edited August 26, 2010 by kwickimom

[Jenny in Atl]

Why does this thread sound like High School?

[Catwoman]

However it was reassuring to read of at least one person who also thought the email-would-you-like-to-come-to-my-house approach was not the usual way of making friends.

 

Well, I'm sure many of us thought it was unusual, even if we didn't say it. ;) I just read the email as being a concerned mom's effort to help her dds make new friends; I wouldn't have accepted the invitation to her home, either, but my assumption was that she'd heard good things about you from others and was trying to be gracious. I don't think most of us would have gone to her home for a first-time meeting, but would arrange for a park date or a meeting at a homeschool group function first.

 

I'm truly sorry if I've offended anyone over what I wrote, that wasn't the intention at all. :sad: I hope you understand that I really don't have a problem with people believing whatever they choose - or nothing. It seems that I've come across to some as narrow minded and unwilling to mix with anyone who was different to me, but that's not the case.

 

I didn't view you that way at all. I felt that you were simply stunned by the email and wanted to find a polite way to decline an invitation that made you feel uncomfortable.

 

I'm an introvert, very nervous of meeting anyone, I am struggling with even the thought of saying that we could meet at all.

 

That explains so much!!! :) That's something you may have wanted to mention in your original post, as I think it goes a long way toward justifying every word you said. If you're not an outgoing person, I can understand why you would have been mortified by the email, as it probably felt like this woman and her dds were trying to push and shove her way into your life, and force you and your dds to be friends with them.

 

Thanks so much for clarifying everything for us. I hope my last post didn't seem too obnoxious to you! :blushing:

 

Cat

[Jean in CA]

Something else occurred to me. It sounds the like homeschooling mom who wrote you might not be accustomed to the UK custom of not inviting others to your home unless you know them rather well.

 

Whatever you choose to do, even if you don't become friends with her, could you introduce her to other homeschooling friends of yours, with girls her age? Or recommend playgroups, literature groups she could join in your area?

 

She seems isolated and might appreciate any assistance you can offer her, even if your daughters don't become BFFs!

[Hedgehog]

That explains so much!!! That's something you may have wanted to mention in your original post, as I think it goes a long way toward justifying every word you said. If you're not an outgoing person, I can understand why you would have been mortified by the email, as it probably felt like this woman and her dds were trying to push and shove her way into your life, and force you and your dds to be friends with them.

 

Thanks so much for clarifying everything for us. I hope my last post didn't seem too obnoxious to you!

 

Thanks Cat. I guess you're right, I was pretty stunned by the email.. it was from the dad, incidently.. just realised that in removing the name from the bottom, that information didn't get through, either.. and I didn't think to mention that I was literally shaking when I'd read it, at the thought of meeting someone new!

 

Your post wasn't obnoxious, either.. I'm not offended by any of them.. it's probably my fault for not explaining things properly.

[Catwoman]

I guess you're right, I was pretty stunned by the email.. it was from the dad, incidently.. just realised that in removing the name from the bottom, that information didn't get through, either..

 

The email came from the DAD? :eek:

 

Ok, now that's kind of creepy.

 

I was under the assumption that the mom had sent the email.

 

I think it's very odd that a father would send that kind of note, and although I said before that I wouldn't have gone to the woman's house for a first meeting, I have to admit that now I definitely wouldn't have gone... as far as I'm concerned, if the father signed the email, he was the one inviting you, not the mother.

 

Yikes. :ack2:

 

The part about the email being from the father changes everything for me.

 

Cat

[kalanamak]

T

 

So please help me formulate some kind of reply that gently but firmly says no thanks. I am so stumped.

 

Just say: thank you for thinking of us, but our schedule is completely full up. Sincerely,

[Jean in CA]

The email came from the DAD? :eek:

 

Ok, now that's kind of creepy.

 

I was under the assumption that the mom had sent the email.

 

Yikes. :ack2:

 

The part about the email being from the father changes everything for me.

 

Cat

 

 

LOL.... I agree. I wonder if the poor man is a single father? Otherwise, it does seem rather odd..... or maybe the mom doesn't know English????

 

Now, I see why you were uncomfortable with the situation!!

[NanceXToo]

Hm. I thought it was the mom, too. Being the dad MIGHT make me a little more nervous to just meet someone I didn't know in person, unless I was inviting them along to a homeschool group get together, or dragging my husband along too, at least at first, for a park get together.

 

But I would not go so far as to say it is "creepy" just because it was the dad who wrote it rather than the mom.

[tofuscramble]

Something else occurred to me. It sounds the like homeschooling mom who wrote you might not be accustomed to the UK custom of not inviting others to your home unless you know them rather well.

 

I am british (although I live in the US now) and I dont know anything about this custom. I also know how rife it is in certain parts for people to be prejudice against middle eastern people.

[Corraleno]

I am british (although I live in the US now) and I dont know anything about this custom. I also know how rife it is in certain parts for people to be prejudice against middle eastern people.

:iagree:

I lived in the UK for 10 years, and my DH is British, and I think it's very common to be invited to pop over to someone's house for a "cuppa" and a visit. There are not a lot of kiddie parks there, and most families only have one car. I don't think the letter or the invitation was at all weird or a violation of any "local custom."

 

I also totally don't get why it would be "creepy" for the father to have written the letter? :confused: Maybe he's the one who homeschools, or maybe his English is better than the mom's, or maybe the mom is just as shy as the OP. Since their first invitation was ignored, it may have been emotionally difficult for this family risk yet another rejection, especially since they are not white, but they took the chance for the sake of their daughter.

 

Jackie

[KidsHappen]

The email would freak me out as well and I wouldn't even reply to it. Of course, I wouldn't care if they thought I was rude either. I was in a fairly large homeschool group in FL. and my children were in a few smaller groups within the larger group as well. Our contact info was available to other members but I would have had a problem with receiving that kind of email. I would have referred them to the meeting dates, park dates, various activities and suggested they start there or even refer them to the leaders of the individual groups or activities. I made my info available so that I could be contacted by people we had already met or to provide info as above. It never occured to me that someone would use it in this way. I have never had that happen or even heard of it happening. It also amazes me that so many extroverts would find it rude of an introvert for not wanting to respond to something like this. No wonder people have always thought I was rude. I guess I am and didn't even know it. :001_huh:

[nd293]

I have tried to make contact with homeschoolers and failed, and as a result sent my dd to school. So looking at it from the perspective of the person asking to make contact with you, she might really need to meet up with other homeschoolers.

 

Given your situation and reservations, I would try and invite her to some sort of outing, and perhaps invite a few other homeshoolers with children of a similar age.

[Corraleno]

The email would freak me out as well and I wouldn't even reply to it....No wonder people have always thought I was rude. I guess I am and didn't even know it. :001_huh:

I don't think not wanting to get together with someone you haven't met is rude, but I think not even responding is very rude. Unless the contact list explicitly said that only existing friends were allowed to contact you, how would they know that? :confused:

 

Jackie

[Catwoman]

:iagree:

I also totally don't get why it would be "creepy" for the father to have written the letter? :confused:

 

Well... let's see... if I were to receive an email from a strange man, whom I had never met, and he invited me to to visit him at his home with my young dds (with no mention of a wife being there, might I add,) so our children could meet each other, I would definitely find that to be creepy, and I suspect my dh would, as well.

 

Would you honestly take a ride over to the home of a man you'd never met, and bring your dds with you, to meet his dd, who may or may not even be there when you arrive? :eek: :eek: :eek: Sorry, but I wouldn't.

 

Had he even mentioned his wife, it might have sounded a bit better, but he didn't, and he certainly didn't invite the OP's husband along for the visit.

 

So, in my book at least, the email ranks pretty high on my Creep-O-Meter. (And I'd originally felt sorry for the person who sent the email, when I thought it was a mom, so I guess you can call me sexist if you'd like.)

 

Cat

Edited August 27, 2010 by Catwoman

[NanceXToo]

Well:

 

1) they're in the same local homeschool support group

 

2) the OP knows someone who knows the family and has not mentioned it being just a dad. It's a family.

 

3) He said "our house" which to me implies the whole family.

 

It's not creepy just because it was a homeschooling dad signing off on the email looking for friends for his daughters within their local support group, instead of the mom being the one to write the email. There could be a perfectly good reason for it, or it could just be a dad being a proactive dad.

 

Would I go to his house never having met him? No, but I already said that, regardless of whether it was a man or a woman.

 

I would not, however, ignore or just shun them. It's hard to find homeschoolers with kids your kid's ages. It's hard to reach out to someone you don't know. It's hard to be shunned because you're not the right gender or religion or skin color or whatever the case may be.

 

I still see nothing wrong with meeting at a park, playground, or homeschool group field trip or outing, and still think that would be the nicest thing to do. It being a man would make me more likely to only do it in public or with my spouse along until I got to know them and saw if the mom came along, too, that's all. I don't think it's right to judge him as "creepy" just because he's a dad and not a mom.