What's the correct etiquette...

[kalanamak]

Great, now I'm not kind and choosing to be offended.

 

.

 

Well, I didn't think that and hope you didn't think I did. I understand wanting others to follow the rules. I was mothered by Miss Manner's spiritual grandmother, and used to give many parties. However, I do hope you throw your energies into coping and being thrilled your boy HAS friends (notice the posts of people wishing....and I wish my son had pals to have over for a birthday party). AND, next time, you know how to word invites to the population you live among, boors that they are.:D

[LuvToRead]

In my experience, moms don't stay at kids birthday parties in order to supervise their children, rather they stay to visit with one another. I have dropped my DD8 at swimming parties, but sometimes if I see other moms are staying, I stay too, especially if I haven't seen them in a while. And we NEVER eat the food intended for the party.

 

But, like I said earlier, the OP should have told the parent when they RSVP'ed that it was a kid only party. By not doing so, the parents assume they are now invited. I don't think these parents are being intentionally rude. It is commonly accepted in some circles that parents can stay for the party. Especially in my area where parents may drive 30 minutes one way. Maybe this is something they commonly accept amongst themselves.

 

Peronally, it's something I would be furious over. Irritated, maybe. Anyway, I think at this point, I would just consider it a lesson learned. You can't assume everyone is a knowledgeable as are you are in the world of etiquette.

 

FWIW - I am not disagreeing with you. Sometimes, there are things in life we just need to let go. It's not really worth it.

[Nestof3]

You make me wonder if parents assume sleepovers are for the adults too. LOL So, if your child gets an invitation to a sleepover, do you assume the invitation includes a parents as well.

 

My boys haven't done sleepovers when they are young, but I know many children who do. Do the people included in the invitation change when it's a sleepover?

 

 

Ok, I haven't read this whole thread (and maybe I shouldn't get involved in a heated thread at the last minute) but are eleven year olds different where you people are from? :confused: Why in the world would an eleven year old need to be SO closely supervised in a backyard pool that three adults would be inadequate to the task? Is this pool filled with sharks or something?

 

I would feel comfortable dropping my nine year old off at a trusted adults backyard for a swimming party. In fact, I'll be doing just that in a couple weeks, and she'll be spending the night afterward. My name was not on the invitation and I assume I am not invited to this swimming/sleepover party. Nor do I have any interest in attending. She'll have a blast though and she's very excited.

 

Planning a party is stressful and when people just bring extra people, it's frustrating. We had a skating party for my nine year old in April and we invited 8 kids. Two kids showed up who did not RSVP (so I had planned on them not being there). Most kids got dropped off by parents, but one mom showed up with her other three girls in tow saying that her husband couldn't watch them today. I was left scrambling to make sure we had more ice cream and plates and soda (provided by the rink and based on your guest list). The real kick in the teeth was when, only a few weeks ago, my seven year old received an invitation to this same child's birthday party. My nine year old was very upset, having invited this girl to her birthday party and not received an invite in return, even after we welcomed her uninvited sisters to the party. We declined to attend.

[Nestof3]

I guess I'm trying to find out if these kids have ever swum in your pool without their parents. I am trying to find out the reason the parents want to stay:

 

1. safety -- don't let kids swim without parental supervision (This one can be discussed with you.)

 

2. don't want to spend so much time driving. Sometimes parents don't like dropping off, driving home, and coming back (not a good reason for staying; selfish)

 

3. the parents like your pool and want to swim too (not a good reason for staying; selfish)

 

4. don't understand that there are times for parties for kids, parties for adults, and parties for families (explain this is a party for kids time).

 

When they called with their RSVP, they plain old TOLD me they would be staying. No asking, no offer of help, just Jr and I will be coming and gee, what will we do with poor little man....long pause.

 

the bolded? You bet. But at least now I know why these parents act this way.

 

 

 

We see them often, her two boys and my two younger boys are the same age, and she's a homeschooler. I invite all three of them over at least twice a month to swim.

[LuvToRead]

I guess I'm trying to find out if these kids have ever swum in your pool without their parents. I am trying to find out the reason the parents want to stay:

 

1. safety -- don't let kids swim without parental supervision (This one can be discussed with you.)

 

2. don't want to spend so much time driving. Sometimes parents don't like dropping off, driving home, and coming back (not a good reason for staying; selfish)

 

3. the parents like your pool and want to swim too (not a good reason for staying; selfish)

 

4. don't understand that there are times for parties for kids, parties for adults, and parties for families (explain this is a party for kids time).

 

Yes, but as a hostess, I would feel it would be rude to expect parents to drive back and forth an be on the road up to 2 hours. A hostess can certainly alleviate this by bringing the kids home. But, I would never expect this of a parent, because, as I said before, some of my childrens' friends live 30 minutes away.

[Nestof3]

People drive long distances for all sorts of things -- amusement parks, concerts, etc. We used to drive 45 min both ways to church every Sunday. It used to be considered an honor to be invited to a party -- now it's sounding like an inconvenience.

 

Yes, but as a hostess, I would feel it would be rude to expect parents to drive back and forth an be on the road up to 2 hours. A hostess can certainly alleviate this by bringing the kids home. But, I would never expect this of a parent, because, as I said before, some of my childrens' friends live 30 minutes away.

[LuvToRead]

People drive long distances for all sorts of things -- amusement parks, concerts, etc. We used to drive 45 min both ways to church every Sunday. It used to be considered an honor to be invited to a party -- now it's sounding like an inconvenience.

 

 

But these you mentioned are things, you the parent, would be attending as well. I've never known a parent to drive their kids to the nearest amusement park (almost 3 hours), drop them off, go home, them come back and pick them up. The parents stay. Again, with church, you stay and enjoy the service. Our church even picks up kids who have parents who don't attend.

 

Sometimes birthday parties are an inconvenience. My girls get invited to parties of people they barely know and I've never even met the parents. My daughter got an invitation for a BDay party from a girl in her tumbling class, and she had just started about 2 weeks prior. She didn't even know her name. The invitations were just handed out one week, with no ones names on them. Needless to say, we didn't attend.

[Nestof3]

You're right. There are things we do as parents for our children that we don't get anything out of other than to see their happiness. I figured that was part of parenting.

 

I would decline party invitations from people my children don't really know.

 

But these you mentioned are things, you the parent, would be attending as well. I've never known a parent to drive their kids to the nearest amusement park (almost 3 hours), drop them off, go home, them come back and pick them up. The parents stay. Again, with church, you stay and enjoy the service. Our church even picks up kids who have parents who don't attend.

 

Sometimes birthday parties are an inconvenience. My girls get invited to parties of people they barely know and I've never even met the parents. My daughter got an invitation for a BDay party from a girl in her tumbling class, and she had just started about 2 weeks prior. She didn't even know her name. The invitations were just handed out one week, with no ones names on them. Needless to say, we didn't attend.

[Melinda in VT]

Yes, but as a hostess, I would feel it would be rude to expect parents to drive back and forth an be on the road up to 2 hours. A hostess can certainly alleviate this by bringing the kids home. But, I would never expect this of a parent, because, as I said before, some of my childrens' friends live 30 minutes away.

 

But driving home isn't the only option to crashing the party. Presumably there's a park or a library or a bookstore or a coffee shop where the parents can spend time during the party.

[Jenny in GA]

People drive long distances for all sorts of things -- amusement parks, concerts, etc. We used to drive 45 min both ways to church every Sunday. It used to be considered an honor to be invited to a party -- now it's sounding like an inconvenience.

 

 

We had a pool party -- not at our house, but at a neighborhood pool -- and one of the girls who was invited lived about 40 minutes away.

 

The party was two hours long.

 

I can't imagine expecting the mother to drive 40 minutes, drop off the child, drive home for 40 minutes, and then ten minutes do it all again!!

 

I was just thankful she was willing to make the drive at all, since my daughter really likes her daughter, but they rarely see each other.

 

Jenny

[LuvToRead]

But driving home isn't the only option to crashing the party. Presumably there's a park or a library or a bookstore or a coffee shop where the parents can spend time during the party.

 

Of course, you're right. I generally don't stay at the birthday parties, but I have. But, the library isn't open all day, and there is no bookstore to speak of. I'm just saying, as a hostess, I would invite the parents to stay if I knew they had to drive a distance out of courtesy. Maybe one could spend 2 hours at Dollar General, but I wouldn't recommend it.

[Rebecca VA]

That's why you *ask* if you can please stay. And you bring an offering of food or some other small token to show your appreciation when she graciously allows you to stay.

[CAMom]

I have to admit that I'm chuckling at these parents (and, by extension, many other parents on this thread) have now been given the label of "party crashers.":lol:

 

The very title of this thread asks, "What's the correct etiquette?" The message itself asks, "What would you do?" Obviously, according to the answers, the "official etiquette" is not cut and dried. More people than not, in fact, think that it is perfectly acceptable for one parent to stay with a child at a party. One poster even looked up etiquette and posted it. That source indicates that the impolite thing to do is bring younger siblings.

 

So, to answer the question in the title, "What's the correct etiquette?": in this case, it obviously varies by region and social circle. The OP hasn't answered what might be the norm in her social circles.

 

Second, the question was asked, "What would you do?" There were a lot of great suggestions from calling the folks back to clarify her expectations, to tips on what to do about the food, to how to write future invitations.

 

Although there is great value in etiquette, it's not an absolute in all places and at all times. It will evolve as new trends and situations arise that the "manners gods" never even dreamed of.

[Jenny in GA]

Okay, I've been thinking about this thread a lot, and I'm not sure what that says about me!

 

At first, I was surprised that the OP was so angry. I thought, "What's the big deal? The more, the merrier! We always had parties where the parents stayed, and we had a great time. Have fun with the other mothers and ask them to help out with serving the food."

 

The more I think about it, though, the more I agree with her that these people were out of line, and I can understand her being angry, because:

 

 

1) Yes, I used to have "family parties" where I had a great time with the parents -- but those stopped around the time my girls turned six or seven. After that, the girls wanted their "own party," and it would have seemed ridiculous for the mothers (and/or fathers) to stay so they could hang around and "watch." No way did my parents ever stay with me at birthday party once I was school-age!

 

I can't imagine assuming that everybody needs to stay to stare at their eleven year old, even though that was not stated. And frankly, if the invitation asked the parents to please stay and help out, I would think that was kind of weird at that age.

 

2) If they're truly staying because their afraid their kid might drown, they should have voiced that concern and asked if they could possibly please stay. The fact that none of them said anything about concern for safety makes me doubt that that's even why they're staying. I would be more forgiving if they voiced a specific concern, and/or asked if it was alright to stay

 

3) Regardless of the reason for staying, it was presumptuous of FOUR PEOPLE to just announce they were coming -- especially if they knew it was a party where lunch was being served!!

 

So yes, OP, you are right. They should not have assumed, they are being rude (although probably not deliberately so) to just announce they were staying, and yes, I understand why that throws off the whole dynamic of what the party was supposed to be for you.

 

Also, I cannot find the quote, but some people were saying that "ettiquette" means going by the social norms. Really?? What if everyone you is rude? That doesn't seem to be a good yardstick to me.

 

Jenny

[KellyW]

I would let the parents know that this is a great opportunity for them to have some me time while my husband and I take care of the boys. Assure them that you have enough eyes to keep the boys safe. If all else fails, I would make sure I had drinks on hand for parents, but I wouldn't go out of my way to feed them. This does not make you inhospitable.

 

Kelly

[hornblower]

I think the real questions in this thread are:

 

-are these guests the type to take off their shoes when they visit?

 

and

 

-when they quickly stop at the grocery store on the way to the party, do the put their shopping cart back in the corral?

 

 

:tongue_smilie:

[Amy loves Bud]

I think the real questions in this thread are:

 

-are these guests the type to take off their shoes when they visit?

 

and

 

-when they quickly stop at the grocery store on the way to the party, do the put their shopping cart back in the corral?

 

 

:tongue_smilie:

 

:lol:

 

Plus, are they riding bikes to the party? Because they might have bo, and will need to do somethign about that before jumping in the pool.

 

Oh, and how modest are the swimsuits?

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[justamouse]

:lol:

 

Plus, are they riding bikes to the party? Because they might have bo, and will need to do somethign about that before jumping in the pool.

 

Oh, and how modest are the swimsuits?

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

 

OK, you broke me, I snorted iced coffee...:lol::lol:

[Karis]

Funny stuff, here.

 

They're coming, period!! The issue is food & drink at this point.

 

Tell them to bring a dish.

If they are imposing make it so it's less of an imposition on you. And give them a job to do.

 

Make a call.

 

"I am so glad you've decided to stay and help out at "Little Johnny's all boy pool party. I certainly can use an extra pair of hands. It would be a huge help if you could bring additional chips/ hot dogs... (whatever) Remember though, we end promptly at (whatever time.) The birthday boy has a big day planned"

 

"What's that? You don't know if you are able to bring additional chips or hot dogs...? Then, of course... yes, you may bring whatever you'd like to munch on."

 

Why do yourself in about "proper etiquette" concerning others when dealing with those who are either clueless or not thinking about what is "proper?"

 

If they're over all the time and it's "comfy" like that - You could have simply said -It's a "boy's only - by invitation only" pool party. But if you insist on crashing you'll need to bring something good to share."

 

You'll know how to plan next year.

[justamouse]

Is this pool filled with sharks or something?

 

 

 

The sharks were flown in this morning. One started swimming sideways, but we threw it some toddlers from down the street and now it's pretty chipper although too full to properly terrorize the guests.

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

Come to think of it, she probably should have mentioned the sharks on the invitations... and the piranhas... ;)

 

Cat

 

*snaps* darn! I forgot the piranhas! I'll have to get them next year. :D

[justamouse]

I have to admit that I'm chuckling at these parents (and, by extension, many other parents on this thread) have now been given the label of "party crashers.":lol:

 

The very title of this thread asks, "What's the correct etiquette?" The message itself asks, "What would you do?" Obviously, according to the answers, the "official etiquette" is not cut and dried. More people than not, in fact, think that it is perfectly acceptable for one parent to stay with a child at a party. One poster even looked up etiquette and posted it. That source indicates that the impolite thing to do is bring younger siblings.

 

 

 

The correct etiquette is for the person invited to RSVP and attend the party-or ask if they might bring a guest (and in that it seems I'm wrong-although for close friends I could see the exception of asking). Ellie looked up the etiquette and posted it before the other person, you just didn't like her answer and went with the other party crasher answer.

 

4. “May I bring…”

 

Don’t even ask! An invitation is extended to the people the hosts want to invite—and no one else.

 

 

• …a date. Some invitations indicate that you may invite a guest or date (Mr. John Evans and Guest) and when you reply, you should indicate whether you are bringing someone, and convey their name.

• …my children. If they were invited, the invitation would have said so.

• … my houseguest. It’s best to decline the invitation, stating the reason. This gives your host the option to extend the invitation to your guests, or not.

 

 

http://www.emilypost.com/social-life/invitations-and-announcements/153-invitation-etiquette-

 

Question: What's ruder than yakking on your cell phone in a restaurant?

 

Answer: Bringing an uninvited guest to an event.

 

 

 

• It seems that many people today have forgotten that invitations are issued only to the people whose names are on the envelope. The Emily Post Institute has had a deluge of letters lately from dismayed hosts and hostesses who have had to cope with uninvited guests. In some cases it’s just a question of annoyance or social embarrassment; in others it’s a matter of considerable additional expense.

 

What’s the big deal, you ask?

 

 

 

• Consider this. You are hosting your daughter’s wedding reception for 80 people at $75 per person for the catering. At the reception, you notice that your cousins Dick and Jane have brought their four children (under age 7); eight of the couple’s friends have brought dates and there are three people nobody seems to know. The caterer presents his bill for the 95 people who actually attended the event, busting your budget by $1,125.

 

 

 

• Or imagine your child’s fourth birthday and one of the little guest’s mother calls to ask if she can bring along a sibling. You say, “Sorry, we were really just planning on four year olds and don’t have any activities for seven year old Johnny.” Imagine your dismay when you open the front door to Johnny and little Sara, and see Mom pulling away from the curb.

 

 

 

• Sadly, nowadays when many people receive an invitation they assume that they can bring their husband/date/fiancé and, if they have children, each of them as well. Well, they can’t. In fact, it is the height of rudeness if they do.

• Here’s a little invitation 101

• Invitations are addressed only to those who are invited. If the invitation says “Ms. Mary Smith,” only Mary is invited. If the invitation says “Ms. Mary Smith and Guest,” then Mary may bring a guest of her choosing. When Mary replies to the invitation, she should say, “I am delighted to join you for dinner on the thirteenth. I will be bringing my good friend Jim Alcott.”

 

 

 

• If children are invited, their names will be added below their parents’ names, or the invitation will be addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. Sam Jones and Family”. The Joneses would reply, “Sam and I, along with Maddie and Tom, will be delighted to join you.”

 

 

 

• If Mr. and Mrs. Sam Jones receive an invitation addressed just to them, you can bet your bottom dollar that it is a grown-up event. If the Joneses can’t arrange a sitter, they should decline the invitation. That’s true whether it is a wedding invitation or a less formal invitation to a barbecue. Even if the invitation is issued by phone, do not assume your children are invited, and do not ask if you can bring them anyway.

 

 

 

• Almost as rude as the people who show up with uninvited guests are those who try to bully the hosts into making exceptions. “Hi, Ginger I got your invitation. I want to let you know that I will be bringing the children to the wedding. After all, they are family and it would be rude not to include all the family at the wedding, right?” Wrong! Whether the hosts drew the line at “no children” or “no second cousins,” it is their decision and should never be questioned.

 

 

 

 

 

http://www.emilypost.com/social-life/invitations-and-announcements/155-uninvited-guests Edited August 14, 2010 by justamouse

[Jean in Newcastle]

I just want to say that dd8 was invited to a bbq for tonight. She told me, "You can come too, Mom." I immediately thought of this thread and said, "No, I wasn't invited. And you don't get to invite other people to someone's party".:D No party-crashing here.

[Laurie4b]

My family alone eats three pizzas. I figured another for the 4 boys and now I have to get another for the other adults and one extra just in case-swimming makes you very hungry. A pizza here costs 20 bucks. I would make them myself, but slinging out 6 pizzas while supervising a pool party is not an option. Pizza is what the birthday boy wanted. I wanted to give him what he wanted.

 

 

 

A bowling party is a whole different thing. It's a public place adn the parents of the birthday child aren't obligated to feed the other parents who attend-there's a snack bar, they can pay for themselves. Comparing a party at a house to a party at a destination is apples and oranges. (unless it's a sit down dinner party at a resteraunt)

 

I can understand feeling thrown for a loop by having plans change outside your control at the last minute. It sounds like it's the potential cost of pricey food that is aggravating you because you have internal pressure to feed them because they are guests. How about getting something quick and less expensive for the grown ups?

 

Pasta salad or egg salad are both inexpensive, for instance. It would take you a little time, but not much, and you could do it the night before. Frozen meatballs cooked in bottled BBQ sauce would cost about $8 here and be more than 4 moms could eat. Serve with toothpicks. Something I bring to most potlucks that costs about $10-12 and takes 2 minutes to make: bag of prewashed spinach mixed with partial bag of shredded mozarella, and topped with small bag of dried cranberries ( center of the salad) surrounded by either sliced almonds or walnuts. (you can get small bags in the baking section of your store) I serve with balsamic vinegrette or poppyseed dressing. Or, I think it would be perfectly hospitable to provide a snack (not meal) for the moms of cheese and crackers. Label the pizzas "kids" and the other offering "moms." I'm sure other people on this board could come up with other inexpensive offerings since you truly feel like you have to serve them a meal.

 

 

I think it would probably be easier on your blood pressure to reason to yourself that rather than your friends being rude and harming you through thoughtlessness, that there was an unfortunate misunderstanding (due to the differing kinds of expectations you see on this board.) I think it's kinder to yourself to talk yourself into accepting the situation and solving the problem cheaply.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Why didn't you say something to them when they called to RSVP and TOLD you that they would be attending the party, too? :confused:

[mrs.m]

$20 for a PIZZA??????? Seriously????

 

You can get them at Sam's Club for $7.99 for a HUGE pizza!!!

You can get them from Domino's Pizza for $5.99 for two toppings if you order more than 2.

My grocery store and Wal-Mart sells them uncooked for $6.99 and they are the big ones that take up your oven.

 

I have traveled to many places and price of Domino's pizza rarely varies that much. For that matter neither does one of the self-rising crust pizza from the freezer. You have help because the other parents will be supervising the party. ;)

 

From one of your posts it sounds like your husband has an excellent job and you are not hurting financially. It's true that they have been impolite by inviting themselves. But you could have responded by telling them it's a drop-off party. I think you can probably swing a few extra bucks for the pizza and maybe try to find a much lower price for the pizza so it doesn't cost so much extra.

[CAMom]

The correct etiquette is for the person invited to RSVP and attend the party-or ask if they might bring a guest (and in that it seems I'm wrong-although for close friends I could see the exception of asking). Ellie looked up the etiquette and posted it before the other person, you just didn't like her answer and went with the other party crasher answer.

 

 

 

OK, you win!:D

 

It wasn't that I didn't like the other answer. I was just pointing out that there just might be more than one acceptable answer to the question.

 

So, according to your words above, was it rude for the moms to call at all for the RSVP? The boys should have each called you themselves and also asked permission for their mom to accompany them?

 

I guess I will be turning down every single invitation for my almost 5 year old from now on (who is, in fact, at a b-day party right now with my apparent party crashing husband ;)). Around here the invitations are always addressed to the child only. Since he has a life threatening peanut and tree nut allergy, I don't let him go anywhere by himself where food is involved. Since it is impolite to even ask to bring a guest, well...

[justamouse]

Why didn't you say something to them when they called to RSVP and TOLD you that they would be attending the party, too? :confused:

 

 

I tried to in the most polite way possible. But they were adamant and to be gracious I backed down.

 

$20 for a PIZZA??????? Seriously????

 

You can get them at Sam's Club for $7.99 for a HUGE pizza!!!

You can get them from Domino's Pizza for $5.99 for two toppings if you order more than 2.

 

 

I live in Jersey. One slice at the county fair (on this week) costs 8 dollars. Kid. You. Not. Costco sold premade chilled for 10 bucks, but my fridges are packed and I couldn't get them in. Ordering and delivery? Fugheddaboutit.

[justamouse]

OK, you win!:D

 

It wasn't that I didn't like the other answer. I was just pointing out that there just might be more than one acceptable answer to the question.

 

So, according to your words above, was it rude for the moms to call at all for the RSVP? The boys should have each called you themselves and also asked permission for their mom to accompany them?

 

I guess I will be turning down every single invitation for my almost 5 year old from now on (who is, in fact, at a b-day party right now with my apparent party crashing husband ;)). Around here the invitations are always addressed to the child only. Since he has a life threatening peanut and tree nut allergy, I don't let him go anywhere by himself where food is involved. Since it is impolite to even ask to bring a guest, well...

 

You know, for a kid that age and a allergy like that, I would TOTALLY make an exception and if I knew you even casually (and knew @ the allergy) I would call you to tell you to please come. Those are extenuating circumstances and for a 5 year old I can see that a party with all that fun, bright, pretty food is a huge danger zone in that instance and I bet any other hostess would, too. These other parents have no excuse.

[Renthead Mommy]

I guess I will be turning down every single invitation for my almost 5 year old from now on (who is, in fact, at a b-day party right now with my apparent party crashing husband ;)). Around here the invitations are always addressed to the child only. Since he has a life threatening peanut and tree nut allergy, I don't let him go anywhere by himself where food is involved. Since it is impolite to even ask to bring a guest, well...

 

But he four, and has issues. Not a perfectly healthy 11 year old. Big difference there.

[CAMom]

You know, for a kid that age and a allergy like that, I would TOTALLY make an exception and if I knew you even casually (and knew @ the allergy) I would call you to tell you to please come. Those are extenuating circumstances and for a 5 year old I can see that a party with all that fun, bright, pretty food is a huge danger zone in that instance and I bet any other hostess would, too. These other parents have no excuse.

 

I'm glad to hear the exception. But, according to the official etiquette you posted, it would not be acceptable for me to ask to be included. And not everyone will know of an allergy.

 

But he four, and has issues. Not a perfectly healthy 11 year old. Big difference there.

 

I seriously doubt I will let him go to an event with friends and food at 11. We'll have to see his maturity level but he would have to know not to accept food no matter what (which he already knows pretty well), be able to administer his own epi pen, be able to either call or ask someone to call 911 and be able to ride in an ambulance to the hospital by himself. I don't think I'd put that on an 11 year old.

 

I understand that your guests didn't seem to have special health concerns. I was commenting on the actual etiquette requirements, though. Now that I know how rude I've been in the past, I will think twice before ever accepting an invitation that is addressed directly to my son again.

[CAMom]

I tried to in the most polite way possible. But they were adamant and to be gracious I backed down.

 

 

 

 

BTW, if you told them the party was for the boys only and they still insisted on coming without some explanation of being nervous about drowning or some other issue, then I agree. They were just rude.:)

[nevergiveup]

Pray for rain.

[Lovedtodeath]

I understand that your guests didn't seem to have special health concerns. I was commenting on the actual etiquette requirements, though. Now that I know how rude I've been in the past, I will think twice before ever accepting an invitation that is addressed directly to my son again.

"No let's be silly!"

[CAMom]

"No let's be silly!"

 

I was actually being serious. I would hate to offend anyone by breaking the rules. I always try to be a good guest. I didn't realize that the rules that apply to more formal occasions like weddings also applied to kids' parties. Now I know.

 

I feel a little bad for sending my husband with my son today. :001_huh:

[Lovedtodeath]

I thought you were pointing out how put-upon you are by etiquette rules and fishing for sympathy (poor you). I was beginning to wonder if you were my MIL in disguise.

 

If a rule causes a hardship, and you do seem to be an exception, then I see no reason to stick to it.

[bettyandbob]

I've read about half the posts. One post mentioned that parents who stay at parties sit and talk to each other. In this pool party situation that would not be adding to the safety of the 4 boys, but likely detracting from it. The op planned to be on the pool deck with her dh and older dd. 3 sets of mature eyes. The op planned on pizza presumably to keep the eyes on the pool. If extra parents are standing around the eyes aren't on the pool. I half wondered if some of the parents really just wanted to check out the pool themselves. And it sounded like one of the parents was angling for an invite for a younger child which was not extended.

 

With 11 year olds and a pool party, I would expect a parent who thought his dc was not a decent swimmer to come forward and state concerns about swimming skills and say that was the reasons for staying at the party. That is reasonable. Even with good swimmers you need a few sets of vigilant eyes which the op was providing, but you would need some warning if a child was not a decent swimmer too.

 

The allergy situation is a similar issue. If a parent and steps forward and says there's a serious issue and wants to stay then let them stay. But general hanging out and chatting -- no. I hope the poster who is concerned about allergies looks for opportunities for her child to be independent. He has to learn to live with his condition. My ds was reading labels, caring his own food and going places like parties and daycamp at 7 and 8 (with all directing adults informed--if they weren't comfortable, he didn't go). You do take these opportunities to be independent slowly and they are based maturity and the seriousness with which he takes the condition. My ds, almost 16, has no problems asking restaurant workers about food. There were a lot of gradual steps getting to this point. When he was going to birthday parties his friends knew and sometimes the parents would ask what they could make him, but I just asked them what they were making and duplicated it for ds to take with him.

[woolybear]

I find that people have very definite (though not always the same) opinions on this. When my older ds was 5 and my younger was 2, the older was invited to a party about 40 minutes from my house. It was far for a drop off. I asked the hostess if I minded if I stayed with my younger ds and she minded VERY much. She ended up saying it was okay, but I did not feel comfortable about it. She did not seem to mind my staying, just my younger ds as she felt she would need more food and activities if siblings stayed. Strangely, almost every family present had moms and siblings (in some cases more than one) staying.

 

This year ds is 10 and was invited to a party. I don't recall the exact wording of the invitation. It was an e-mail and I believe it was not addressed to anyone in particular. However, clearly this boy is older ds' friend. At any rate, I arranged for my younger ds to do something else that day. I never mentioned it in my rsvp, because it hadn't occurred to me that he was invited. Well, when I showed up without him, they were not pleased. They asked me to stay, but no other moms were there. I chatted a bit and then got out of there.

 

Sheesh.

[Melinda in VT]

I feel a little bad for sending my husband with my son today. :001_huh:

 

I wouldn't worry about it unless he comes back and says he was the only parent who stayed. Around here, most parents stay in the preschool years. I always ask if the hosting parents want kids dropped off or for parents to stay. Some definitely want you to stay (and have adult snacks and beverages), others say either is fine. If it's optional and I don't have conflicts with my other kids, I stay (alone, no extra kids). I usually only eat if it's obvious they went to an effort to provide food for the adults.

 

Preschoolers tend to need help gracefully and politely navigating a birthday party, even if there aren't any allergies. (Even kids who do small playdates well.) At least, my kids do. I think it's more pleasant for all involved if the hosting parents don't have to worry about dealing with those kinds of issues.

 

Parties around here generally become solidly drop-off around K or 1st, but I know if I had a guest with a peanut allergy I would prefer it if the parent stayed.

 

Extra kids is what throws me for a loop, although I've only had it happen twice. I have twins, and if only one gets an invitation, only one goes.

[Rebecca VA]

Justamouse, you know you have to come back here on Sunday night and give us all an update on how the pool party went. You've gotten 19 (so far) pages of advice, and a lot of us are really very interested in this thread. You *owe* us a detailed report.

:bigear:

[Wheres Toto]

 

I live in Jersey. One slice at the county fair (on this week) costs 8 dollars. Kid. You. Not. Costco sold premade chilled for 10 bucks, but my fridges are packed and I couldn't get them in. Ordering and delivery? Fugheddaboutit.

 

I'm in Jersey too. Food at the county fair was really expensive (we were there Thursday in the rain) but that's typical for a festival or amusement place. Papa Johns and Dominos both have $5.99 deals, Franks pizza chain is under $10 for a plain. We regularly order from our local pizzaria and we pay less than $25 for a large 1/2 plain/1/2 pepperoni plus an order of linguini with red clam sauce.

 

That said, I do think it was rude for parents of 11 year olds to invite themselves to stay if there were no health issues present. I'd put out a pitcher of ice water and some chips and call it good. My dd's friends stopped staying at her parties around 7 years old - usually they were hotel sleep-overs where we swam in the hotel pool.

 

Edited to add: Was the party today? If so, I hope your ds had a great time. It was a nice day but not as hot as we've been having lately.

Edited August 15, 2010 by dottieanna29

[Pink Fairy]

Just to be clear, you invited four boys from four seperate families, and each boy is bringing a parent? I do think it's unusual that a parent would want to attend a party with their 11yo, but the fact that all four boys had parents who assumed that they would stay really makes me wonder if something else is going on. Btw, have any of these boys ever swam at your house without a parent?

[GraciebytheBay]

I want to be sure I understand. 5 kids, all 11 yrs. old, 3 people to watch them in the pool? I would never expect parents to stay for the party and would be surprised if they did! (Not offended, just surprised.) I must be a bum of a mom because after my kids turned a certain age, I was thrilled not to have to go to any more birthday parties with them! Three hours of screaming children does not make me very happy. I am a dropper-offer and hope nobody ever gets upset about that. My kids have a nice mix of friends, home schooled, public schooled, Christian schooled, etc. Honestly, I don't think any of the parents go to parties with their kids, especially at 11 years old. This has been an interesting thread to me. I'm going to pay more attention from now on to be be sure I haven't been committing a faux pas. If I find I have, my children will go to FAR less birthday parties!

[Farmgirl70]

It seems to me that it is not unreasonable to think that 5 eleven year old boys are capable of enjoying a birthday pool party hosted by the parents of the birthday boy with no further supervision--especially since the families are friends. My kids would have felt stifled by that age if I had to be with them everywhere. It seems like this is a good situation for letting the boys have some safe independent fun. They'll be supervised, but the energy will be more 11 year old boy than if there were more parents and siblings.

[Farmgirl70]

I also wonder if the original poster might have also been responding to her son's desire for his party, not just the additional work of hosting adults as well as children at a party. My boys would've thought just a few friends in the pool was heavenly, while adding in their mothers was a lot less adventuresome and boyish at that age. They really wanted to be "big" at that age and have some perception of independence. For me, I would feel irritated that my son's birthday wishes were not being honored. I'd gladly make exception for people who inquired with real health or safety concerns, but I'd not want it to turn into everyone staying...

[nd293]

My daughter was pretty badly hurt at a family BBQ that involved kids swimming... I can't imagine how horrible it would have been for her if we weren't around when it happened. I would still let her go to a pool party without me, but it would make me anxious. I can see that some parents just can't see allowing their kids to swim (in a group situation) without them being around. The hot-dogs, chips and cake route that could easily accomodate parents seems the most sensible to me.

 

Nikki

[Trish]

I guess I don't get the premise -- we're asked what's the correct etiquette here (presumably so others can share their experiences and ideas, and there have been a LOT of good ideas as far as stretching the food etc.), but then we're told the etiquette is set in stone and these people are just out of line, period. If the etiquette is perfectly clear, why even ask, just vent away!

 

Okay then!

 

Either tell them they misunderstood the invitation, or feed them and resent them!

 

But, you could also try to make the best of it.

 

I'm still wondering what is the standard of behavior in OP's general circle -- are all four of these parents statistical outliers -- people who are doing something out of bounds of what is generally accepted?

 

It it a conspiracy to cadge a free lunch?

 

:confused:

[Julie in CA]

Either tell them they misunderstood the invitation, or feed them and resent them!

 

But, you could also try to make the best of it.

 

I tried this idea already--it didn't fly. ;)

The OP didn't come here for advice or opinions, just to vent. Which is ok, we just didn't know because it was framed as a question. :)

[Nakia]

For some reason, I have not been able to get this thread out of my mind. It has bugged me for days, since it was posted. Today it finally hit me. We are not talking about some random guest that invited themselves to the party. We are talking about children's PARENTS. If one of the parents had said, "Oh, well, our cousins from out of town are here, so we will bring them too!", that would be totally out of line. I think we can all agree on that. But that's not what happened. I guess I just don't think parents should be classified as unwelcome guests, no matter the age of the kids.

[Impish]

I do. Are parents going to go along on dates? If simply being included on the basis that your child is invited somewhere is enough, I forsee a lot of misery for the kid as he/she grows up.

 

I can see asking if the parent needs help, and offering to stay. To announce that you (and your spouse, and other kids) are accompanying the invited child is a major presumption and imposition on the host, and smothering to the child. By accompanying them everywhere, aren't you telling your child that you don't trust them to behave if out of your sight?

[Nakia]

I do. Are parents going to go along on dates? If simply being included on the basis that your child is invited somewhere is enough, I forsee a lot of misery for the kid as he/she grows up.

 

I can see asking if the parent needs help, and offering to stay. To announce that you (and your spouse, and other kids) are accompanying the invited child is a major presumption and imposition on the host, and smothering to the child. By accompanying them everywhere, aren't you telling your child that you don't trust them to behave if out of your sight?

 

I get what you are saying, I really do. I also think comparing a birthday party for 11 yr olds to a one-on-one date for an older teen or young adult is like apples to oranges.

 

I really think it might be a regional thing. Around here, it is presumed that if your child is invited to a party, you, as that child's parent, are welcome to stay. Like other posters, it would NEVER occur to me to drop my children (ages 4, 7, and almost 10) off at a birthday party and leave. And if a parent insisted that I not stay, I would think that was suspicious. I think this probably will change as they get a little older, maybe around age 13 or 14 when it begins to be "embarrassing" for a parent to be there. Of course, if it is a sleepover (which we don't currently participate in), it would be understood that the parent doesn't stay.

 

The most common circumstance in my area is that entire families are actually invited to parties, not just one child. Again, I guess it depends on the area you live and the particular friends you have.

Edited August 15, 2010 by Nakia