My 25 year old dd about to make a choice that my dh and I consider to be incredibly

[Merry]

foolish in our opinion. We're not sure what to say to her or do about it. To keep it brief, on her summer break from college, she met a guy while working at WalMart and is getting pretty serious about him. We haven't met him yet as we got the news only a couple days ago. We have a lot of problems already because he is from a very different culture from ours and even though he is fifteen years older than she, he still is not settled in a job. My dd and he have no friends in common. He has very little education which shows in the way he talks. We are quite disappointed to say the least and very much afraid for her future which might include poverty and even involvement with others in crime as there are several relatives in his family on the lam from the police. One thing in his favor is that he's never been married and has no children. But we don't know his background with other girls. I know that we could go over and meet him but we're not ready for that yet. We want to be very careful not to push her away but at the same time, we want to protect her but I guess we can't really, can we? This guy is talking about moving across country to live near her while she finishes college there. I hope it's not a sign that he's the persistent type if you know what I mean. Our dd has never really dated before and we're afraid that she's being naive. What the heck should we do other than pray for her and try to be supportive?

[OnTheBrink]

It's a fine line to walk. I have an adult child who's made some foolish choices as well. All you can do is bite your tongue, and let her make her mistakes. Ask a LOT of questions, but in a non-threatening way. And be ready to be there for her when she realizes the mistake she's making.

 

:grouphug:

[Country Mouse]

She's 25, I'm afraid there's nothing else you can do.

[Julie in Austin]

"This guy is talking about moving across country to live near her while she finishes college there."

 

That was, I think, the one ray of hope in your post. He didn't ask her to give up her life for him; he's willing to follow her. Hopefully, back in her college environment with her other friends, she will be able to get a better sense of what he is really like.

[elegantlion]

"This guy is talking about moving across country to live near her while she finishes college there."

 

That was, I think, the one ray of hope in your post. He didn't ask her to give up her life for him; he's willing to follow her. Hopefully, back in her college environment with her other friends, she will be able to get a better sense of what he is really like.

 

:iagree:I would be concerned about being 40 years old and no career. Does he jump from job to job, is he in between things, or what?

 

I would meet him and welcome him with open arms. She is your daughter and right now this is her choice. I would reserve further judgment until you get to know this man. He could be a great guy with a lousy family and poor education.

[Ohdanigirl]

Whether you feel ready or not, the best thing would probably be to meet him while you can. Be gracious and open, if you are rude to him, make faces, or try to push him away, you will push her away instead.

 

I agree with what others have said about him not asking her to stop going to school and drop everything for him. That is a good sign. You never know, maybe your dd will be a good influence on him, maybe it will pass. Who knows?

 

Also, I would like to share that my father had all the same concerns about my dh when we started dating (except the age). Dh was 17, not in school and came from a poor family that did not value education and often saw laws as suggestions at best. He is Mexican American, and although my mother is Mexican, there was a big cultural difference. I am not saying everything was hunky dory, but (14 years later) we very happy, my family loves him, we are not on the run from the law, we have friends in common and although we are not rich we do fine. On that note I would like to add that we are much happer than many people I know with lots of money.:D

 

I am not brushing aside your concerns though. I understand and respect them, but I think you would be best to support her. You have a lot of power, use it well. If she gets more serious with this man, welcome him into your family and support him in bettering himself. Lead by example and remember that the more time you spend with him the more he can learn from you. It was the best things my parents ever did, they began welcoming dh into the family. When he got a raise or promotion at Mc D's, they congratulated him as if it had been at a law firm. Dh has told me that this made him really want to do more. He had never had a supportive family, never been encouraged to try hard at anything, and my parents really made him want to to make them proud. Even to this day, he rushes to my moms house when he has accomplished something he s proud of. I can't imagine this happening if my parents had refused to get to know him.

 

Good luck to you, and I hope all works out for the best.

 

Danielle

[Ohdanigirl]

:

 

I would meet him and welcome him with open arms. She is your daughter and right now this is her choice. I would reserve further judgment until you get to know this man. He could be a great guy with a lousy family and poor education.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

exactly.

[HRAAB]

We're there right now. And I'm surprised I haven't had to have my tongue sewn back on. I do try to look for positive things. In our case he treats our dd well meaning he speaks kindly and respectfully, there have never ever been any indications that he's at all abusive (although I can't my dd putting up with that for one second - think all those years of Shorin Ryu might come in handy), he helps her with things that need done, he respectful to us, we're respectful and friendly with him, include him in the family, etc. So I focus on that, and try to not think about how totally unmotivated and irresponsible he is in other areas. My dd is a smart girl, stands on her own two feet, and I'm trying very, very hard to trust her in this. Trying is the key word.

 

The bottom line for me is this: my dd has made her decision. Now it's my turn to make a decision. I've decided to put our relationship (which is very, very good) first. Plus, if he ends up being the dud I think he is, she will need me, and I want to be the one she comes to first.

[momofkhm]

But we don't know his background with other girls. I know that we could go over and meet him but we're not ready for that yet. We want to be very careful not to push her away but at the same time, we want to protect her but I guess we can't really, can we? This guy is talking about moving across country to live near her while she finishes college there. I hope it's not a sign that he's the persistent type if you know what I mean. Our dd has never really dated before and we're afraid that she's being naive. What the heck should we do other than pray for her and try to be supportive?

 

I agree with what others have said, meet him! Invite him to your house for dinner. If they are serious, it makes sense to do that.

 

Get to know him. Don't judge, just get to know. He may not be the right one for her, but if you don't show that you trust her, then will she bring another one home to meet you?

 

And like others have said, he wants to move to be near here. When she's close to her friends, maybe they will talk her out of him. Maybe she will see that they aren't right for each other. Maybe he will see that he's not right for her. Maybe he will see the value and pursue an education. Lots of maybes, but in these there is hope.

[Samiam]

There's nothing you can do. If you try to convince her that he is not right, you will only push her towards him more.

 

First, I wouldn't judge him by his family members. One can not help what someone who shares DNA does. Sometimes that means you might do similiar stuff, OR it can mean you go the completely opposite direction.

 

But I agree, the age difference, the lack of finacial security, obviously not a first choice for you.

 

BUT she has to learn these things, make these choices herself. You can not do it for her, you can not teach her about choices of the heart...she has to learn herself.

 

Many people date several people before they find the "one". Many of those dates/and relationships will be with the wrong person. It's a learning experience, so that when you find the right one, you appreciate that person so much more because you know what you have find.

 

You have to let her live and learn. Of course, every parent hopes their child "learns" before they completely affect their life in a negative way.

[Anne in CA]

I didn't read what everybody wrote but I have a couple of things that I hope you find helpful.

 

I married foolishly at her age and SUFFERED. One thing I have learned since then is that women marry men who court them. This man is probably courting her well and that is probably overriding her common sense. This happens to a lot of women, no matter what their age.

 

The other thing is that lots of women marry older men who turn out to have ex wives and kids that they didn't know about. If he really is 15 years older than she is, I wouldn't necessarily believe this for a second without proof. I know lots of women who married men who turned out to have whole other families in other countries. I live where a lot of migrant workers live.

 

My heart breaks for you, and I hope it will all turn out well.

[lauranc]

She's 25, I'm afraid there's nothing else you can do.

 

:iagree:

[3littlekeets]

fOur dd has never really dated before and we're afraid that she's being naive. What the heck should we do other than pray for her and try to be supportive?

 

 

At 25 years old, why has she never dated much? I don't ask to judge, but if it is a self-esteem issue, or feeling as if nobody else will ever find her attractive, that could be a huge and telling sign.

 

I agree that you can't intervene directly, but if there are other issues, it might be important to gently address them. :grouphug:

[WistfulRidge]

 

I would meet him and welcome him with open arms. She is your daughter and right now this is her choice. I would reserve further judgment until you get to know this man. He could be a great guy with a lousy family and poor education.

:iagree:

 

When I first started talking to my future DH (we met online) I was 17 and he was 30. My family threw a big fat ugly fit. I understood their concerns, but I was exceptionally frustrated that no one would listen to me or even give my friend the chance to form his own impression. They automatically assumed that he was going to rape me, murder me, and leave me in an alley somewhere just because he was older and we met online. When we met in person I was 18 and he was a week away from 31 and my Dad was there with me in the airport because, despite the fact that my Dad had spoken to DH's religious leader, DH himself, his roommate and employer my family was convinced that he was still an evil, evil man bent on destroying me.

My father spent the weekend in our company and told my mother when he went home "If he weren't dating my daughter, he'd probably be one of my most favorite people in the world." Once my family actually met DH, they loved him; even in those first meetings when I knew everyone was nervous and wound tighter than tight I was thankful that they were at least civil with him, having been on the listening end of all the not-very-nice things they would have liked to do to him. Everything turned out all right (which was good - I knew the moment I saw DH coming down the stairs in the airport that first visit that he was IT. The "One".). Now my family adores him.

I cannot begin to tell you how many hours I cried/was depressed in the beginning. How many nights I couldn't sleep because I was nervous and tense over the situation that I simply couldn't relax enough to sleep. My parents had many of the misgivings that you do... DH was older, he worked at McDonalds (granted he was just a couple years down from owning a restaurant), none of his family had ever had school beyond high school, his two older brothers can't cross the border from Canada to the US because of their records, etc. However, he was willing, even insistent, that I stay in and finish school. He even applied, and got in. Now he's working on his Masters and, when he's done with that, has an all-expenses-paid "pass" to pretty much any of the schools in North America with his PhD program because he is so good at what he does. He just needed that little extra incentive (me, apparently, and the realization that he could have the family he wanted, instead of just spending the rest of his life doing what he had been doing) to get going.

 

Having been in a similar situation as your daughter I'd hope you'd welcome him and get to know him before you pass judgment based purely on his culture, education, job, and age etc... it will mean the world to your daughter. I'm glad everything has worked out well for me, and it may or may not for your daughter, but I cannot even begin to tell you how much it would have meant to me to have my parents be at least open-minded enough to pretend at neutrality. It would have saved me so much heartache.

 

ETA:

I was much younger when I met my DH (as I said 17, or 18 if you only count the in person first meeting), but I never dated anyone besides him. I never saw the point. I'm not much of a people person and I saw no point in wasting hours out of a day just to form a relationship with someone that I didn't see going anywhere. Granted, it doesn't work this way for most people, but I found the whole concept of dating silly and a waste of my valuable time. If there had been someone I was genuinely interested in, I would have dated them, but up until my DH I simply never found someone worth that much of my time. You know your dd better than us, obviously, so you'd be in a better position to judge if she is being naive or not, but I wouldn't assume that just based on the fact that she hasn't done a lot of dating.

Edited August 7, 2010 by theAmbitiousHousewife

[elegantlion]

 

My father spent the weekend in our company and told my mother when he went home "If he weren't dating my daughter, he'd probably be one of my most favorite people in the world." Once my family actually met DH, they loved him;

 

What a beautiful story, thanks for sharing!

[Joanne]

Your feedback to your dd will have little validity or weight if you haven't met him with as much of a welcome and open mind as you can. It may well turn out that it is still a valid concern, but she's more likely to hear you if you make the appropriate effort of interest and support for her.

 

I am, however, not thrilled with the "other culture" aspect of your post. I'm not sure what that has to do with it. :confused:

[Nakia]

You are going to have to do exactly what my family has done with my younger sister's boyfriend, who happens to be my mother's age. Meet him, embrace him, accept him. There is nothing else you can do. And now my sister has just had a baby with this man, so he is here to stay. That makes me really glad we treated him and their relationship with respect.

:grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

Your concerns are valid. For that reason, the very most important thing you must do is meet him, spend time with him, get to know him genuinely. If he's awful, that will become apparent. Don't complain about him right away--get to know him in a genuine way first. Your acceptance and genuine openness to knowing him will both make a safe place for your daughter to get to know him, and provide her a family to compare this man to. Invite him over now, before she goes back to school, and spend as much time with him as you can while he's locally available to you.

 

I do also want to offer a friend's story. My friend worked at a drug addictions program and was attracted to one of the men in the program. He was all that a parent might fear--he was from the inner city, had children that had been placed in foster care for neglect (due to poverty and drug addiction), had a past that included gang activity and crime, and was of another race than my friend. :eek: They did not date initially--she kept her attraction to herself. Over the months (year?) that she knew him, this man graduated from the program with honors, was working towards regaining custody of his children (this is an extensive process and took a lot of work on his part over two years), and was hired on at the program for handyman and construction work.

 

When they expressed interest in each other romantically, my friend's parents got involved. They wanted to get to know this scary guy at least as well as their daughter, if not better. They invited him over, and my friend's father asked the guy to join him for a personal Bible study and prayer time on a regular basis.

 

Fast forward now 10 years:

 

The scary inner-city guy regained custody of his children years ago. In terms of his addictions, he has never relapsed. He is a strong Christian, and someone who commands the respect and liking of all who know him. He built up a construction business on his own merits and has done quite a bit of work on my house and that of various others that I know. He also spends quite a bit of his time preaching and ministering in the inner city, trying to help others avoid the difficulties that he experienced. I personally love and trust him, and would trust him with my children. His in-laws have become his true family, and he continues, to this day, to meet with his father-in-law for prayer and Bible study.

 

It hasn't always been easy for my friend, and those of us who knew her and love her when they were dating worried. She accepted his children as her own, which has been a struggle in many ways as there are special needs and there are hurts from their young child experiences--BUT God has also brought so much healing to this family through their father's repentance and heart changes, and the love of their stepmother. My friend's family has had to struggle financially too as construction isn't always the most lucrative. However, ten years later, they love each other dearly.

[Nakia]

Your concerns are valid. For that reason, the very most important thing you must do is meet him, spend time with him, get to know him genuinely. If he's awful, that will become apparent. Don't complain about him right away--get to know him in a genuine way first. Your acceptance and genuine openness to knowing him will both make a safe place for your daughter to get to know him, and provide her a family to compare this man to. Invite him over now, before she goes back to school, and spend as much time with him as you can while he's locally available to you.

 

I do also want to offer a friend's story. My friend worked at a drug addictions program and was attracted to one of the men in the program. He was all that a parent might fear--he was from the inner city, had children that had been placed in foster care for neglect (due to poverty and drug addiction), had a past that included gang activity and crime, and was of another race than my friend. :eek: They did not date initially--she kept her attraction to herself. Over the months (year?) that she knew him, this man graduated from the program with honors, was working towards regaining custody of his children (this is an extensive process and took a lot of work on his part over two years), and was hired on at the program for handyman and construction work.

 

When they expressed interest in each other romantically, my friend's parents got involved. They wanted to get to know this scary guy at least as well as their daughter, if not better. They invited him over, and my friend's father asked the guy to join him for a personal Bible study and prayer time on a regular basis.

 

Fast forward now 10 years:

 

The scary inner-city guy regained custody of his children years ago. In terms of his addictions, he has never relapsed. He is a strong Christian, and someone who commands the respect and liking of all who know him. He built up a construction business on his own merits and has done quite a bit of work on my house and that of various others that I know. He also spends quite a bit of his time preaching and ministering in the inner city, trying to help others avoid the difficulties that he experienced. I personally love and trust him, and would trust him with my children. His in-laws have become his true family, and he continues, to this day, to meet with his father-in-law for prayer and Bible study.

 

It hasn't always been easy for my friend, and those of us who knew her and love her when they were dating worried. She accepted his children as her own, which has been a struggle in many ways as there are special needs and there are hurts from their young child experiences--BUT God has also brought so much healing to this family through their father's repentance and heart changes, and the love of their stepmother. My friend's family has had to struggle financially too as construction isn't always the most lucrative. However, ten years later, they love each other dearly.

 

Although I don't really understand what his race has to do with it, that is a really beautiful story!

[Laura Corin]

My father had a similar situation with my half sister. He stayed very neutral and she finally dumped the guy and started going out with someone whom my father much preferred. They are getting married next year.

 

Good luck

 

Laura

[Harriet Vane]

Although I don't really understand what his race has to do with it, that is a really beautiful story!

 

I live in a neighborhood in which I am the racial minority (90% African-American, 10% white). I have lived here 13 years, and prior to that spent 5 years volunteering extensively both in my neighborhood and in some of the most dangerous housing projects in the country. I have many African-American friends, lived with a mixed-race family for 2 years, and presently have several mixed-race couples that are friends.

 

Marrying someone of another race/culture IS a big deal for a couple reasons. There are cultural differences (how to spend the holidays, how to dress, what to eat, etc.). For those differences, it's important to communicate openly, non-judgmentally, and to come to a mutual understanding--an inability to do so leads to terrible hurt. Also there are the difficulties that occur because of how our larger American society treats mixed-race couples, and particularly African-Americans. It's best to walk in to those difficulties with eyes wide open. I do NOT consider race to be a reason to reject someone romantically, BUT I fully recognize that race differences present a unique dynamic to the prospect of a life together.

Edited August 8, 2010 by strider
correct grammatical error

[IsabelC]

All you can do is be available and supportive for your dd. Do not give unsolicited advice, and do not say (or imply) "We told you so" if it ends badly.

 

And if it's any consolation, bear in mind that his family may well be having similar misgivings about the match!

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I am, however, not thrilled with the "other culture" aspect of your post. I'm not sure what that has to do with it. :confused:

 

There are cultures and backgrounds that represent very diverse ways of looking at the world; at the relative value of men and women; at expectations for work, education and finance. Some of the cultural differences are based in ethnicity or religion. Some are based on social/economic status, education level or other intangibles like military careers.

 

I experienced a huge cultural shift just moving from the west coast to Texas, and that was staying within the same economic and ethnic demographic. But expectations for young women were very different in Texas than where I'd grown up in the Pacific Northwest.

 

I think that it is naive to think that cultural backgrounds aren't going to influence how a couple interacts and deals with life. There are of course families who do a fantastic job of merging or straddling two cultures. Buy why should you pretend that differences don't exist? Acknowledging difference doesn't have to equate to racism.

[cmarango]

 

Marrying someone of another race/culture IS a big deal for a couple reasons. There are cultural differences (how to spend the holidays, how to dress, what to eat, etc.). For those differences, it's important to communicate openly, non-judgmentally, and to come to a mutual understanding--an inability to do so leads to terrible hurt. Also there are the difficulties that occur because of how our larger American society treats mixed-race couples, and particularly African-Americans. It's best to walk in to those difficulties with eyes wide open. I do NOT consider race to be a reason to reject someone romantically, BUT I fully recognize that race differences present a unique dynamic to the prospect of a life together.

 

So true. When the first language is not shared then the can also be difficulties. Even though my dh speaks English very well (Spanish is his first) we still have communication problems at times...mainly issues with the connotations of words.

[Merry]

Yes, the guy is black and yes, he is from hmmmm what do you call it? The housing project culture? I normally would not have a problem with the color nor age. My cousin married a black man thirty years ago and they still are happy. He's a good man and husband to her. I myself am happily married to a man fifteen years older than I. But what bothers me is the lack of information about this man's past and also he admitted to my dd that his family might not approve of her being white. That could lead to problems later with holidays and child raising among the relatives. And on top of it all, my dd (who is hard of hearing) has been immersed in the deaf culture at Gallaudet University in Washington D.C. and said many times that she wanted to marry a guy comfortable with the deaf culture. So I was caught by surprise when she announced that she was dating a hearing guy who doesn't know sign language. I fully understand the difficulty of being in a biracial or hearing/deaf marriage. It's not easy but it's doable if this guy really cares about my dd. If he really cares about him, I'm sure he would settle down to find a good job for my dd's sake. Anyway, I'm trying to get together with her for a mother/daughter coffee somewhere and just talk. I really appreciate all your women's advice to stay neutral and supportive. I knew that but I needed the support. Thanks. I love your stories and I hope my dd's story will have as happy an ending as your happy ones. That's if they do go ahead with the relationship.

[hana]

I do think your language will be important. You used the word "foolish" in your title, and that's totally appropriate here, with friends, with your dh. But with her, I think it will be important to use a language of caring. "We're concerned because he doesn't seem financially stable." "We're surprised that you are so interested in a hearing man." "Have you thought about how you'll feel if he's right that his family isn't accepting of you being white?" So your "neutral" can definitely include your concern while being willing to accept possibilities.

 

Good luck! I was a great source of concern to my mother when I was 21-23, but I think it turned out okay. :001_smile:

[Jeanne in MN]

Exactly. My best friend met a man in college who was from another culture. He was older than her, romanced her, took care of her, and asked her to marry him. They married, moved to Chicago to be closer to his family and things went downhill from there. Being a woman, she was treated quite differently, in less regard.There were a number of cultural things that were difficult for her. they ended up divorced within a couple years and in a horrible custody battle. How much of it was due to his character and how much was due to his culture, I don't know, but I think there can be a fine line.

 

 

There are cultures and backgrounds that represent very diverse ways of looking at the world; at the relative value of men and women; at expectations for work, education and finance. Some of the cultural differences are based in ethnicity or religion. Some are based on social/economic status, education level or other intangibles like military careers.

 

I experienced a huge cultural shift just moving from the west coast to Texas, and that was staying within the same economic and ethnic demographic. But expectations for young women were very different in Texas than where I'd grown up in the Pacific Northwest.

 

I think that it is naive to think that cultural backgrounds aren't going to influence how a couple interacts and deals with life. There are of course families who do a fantastic job of merging or straddling two cultures. Buy why should you pretend that differences don't exist? Acknowledging difference doesn't have to equate to racism.

[NanceXToo]

Hm. Well. When I was 25, I got together with this guy I had previously known but hadn't seen in at least a year. This time, we just sort of got together. At the time, he had a very low paying/unskilled job (which he ended up getting fired from not long after). He was a high school dropout without so much as a GED, let alone a college education. He was basically homeless because he'd just moved back from Florida (to NY, where I lived at the time) spontaneously without a set plan and spent a couple nights in his truck and a couple with a friend before I ran into him- at a bar I was visiting with a couple of friends. He was certainly broke.

 

I brought him back to sleep at my house (well, my mother's house, but I was living there at the time) that night- and he never left. He spent four months there sleeping in the extra bedroom downstairs. We'd have conjugal visits after my daughter from a previous marriage was asleep. My mother was adamant he not sleep upstairs with me, with my daughter across the hall- I didn't think it was her business, but she said it was her house...

 

...so, we decided we were going to get our own apartment together.

 

You'd probably be tearing your hair out if I was your daughter, huh? LOL.

 

My mother was really concerned about me and my daughter moving in with this guy. To the extent that she called HIS mother late at night to express her worries and to tell her that she didn't think we should be doing this.

 

I was like, are you kidding me? We are adults! We are moving out so we won't be under your roof. Deal with it! (His mother felt the same way).

 

Anyway. To make a long story short, we did move in together. He did get a reasonably good job. We got married. We had a kid together. We moved to PA. He started his own business, which is doing well enough for me to be a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom. We had another kid together. We recently celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary....

 

He's a good guy who doesn't go out and party, is affectionate, treats me well, provides for his family, and has helped out my mother and brother plenty of times in various ways, financial and otherwise. My mother loves him, and he's my brother's best friend.

 

Sometimes you really can't judge a book by its cover.

 

Your daughter is old enough to make her own choices. And she WILL make them. Maybe you can TRY to respect her choice and to really get to know this guy and give him a chance before judging him.

[KellyinPA]

Parenting adult children can be difficult, can't it? Sometimes I wish they could just stay 8 forever:) But since that's impossible I tend to agree with meeting the guy. Welcome him into your home, be as hospitable as you can. Only after spending time with him, and observing he and your dd together can you actually get a real "feel" for him and their relationship. I wish you well.

[momofgals]

When I dated a man that my mom was less than crazy about, she said little, but she prayed very hard. The most helpful thing, though, was that someone whom I respected asked me to consider whether or not I thought that this man was what I wanted or what I needed. He was pointing out the lopsided nature of the relationship for me: I was the one who gave and gave, but I would also be the one who would lose if we got married. It woke me up to the codependent nature of the relationship. It wasn't that the guy didn't have some very attractive qualities; but those qualities would not be enough to make up for the real emotional and financial losses I would suffer if I "settled" for a relationship with him.

 

Maybe if you were able to ask your dd what she has considered the most important qualities for her partner in a lifelong relationship and whether or not this man fits those ideas. Not that you are pressing her to tell you the reply to that question, but that it might be a good way for her to evaluate her own heart in the matter.

[kalanamak]

Although I don't really understand what his race has to do with it, that is a really beautiful story!

 

Because you have to put up with things like "mixed race children have more retardation" comments (these were of the punishment for going against God's law flavor). It is a stress.

[Joanne]

I think that it is naive to think that cultural backgrounds aren't going to influence how a couple interacts and deals with life. There are of course families who do a fantastic job of merging or straddling two cultures. Buy why should you pretend that differences don't exist? Acknowledging difference doesn't have to equate to racism.

 

 

I didn't assert that cultural backgrounds aren't going to influence how a couple interacts. :confused:

 

In the context, however, of a post showing criticism of a man and his character, the inclusion of "he's from a different culture" takes on another element.

[Nakia]

Because you have to put up with things like "mixed race children have more retardation" comments (these were of the punishment for going against God's law flavor). It is a stress.

 

 

Sickening. I'm so sorry.

[ereks mom]

:iagree:I would be concerned about being 40 years old and no career. Does he jump from job to job, is he in between things, or what?

 

I would meet him and welcome him with open arms. She is your daughter and right now this is her choice. I would reserve further judgment until you get to know this man. He could be a great guy with a lousy family and poor education.

 

:iagree:

[EthiopianFood]

Because you have to put up with things like "mixed race children have more retardation" comments (these were of the punishment for going against God's law flavor). It is a stress.

 

:001_huh: Neato. :glare:

[AlaskaGrownFamily]

She's 25. I think you should lovingly support her and keep your opinions to yourself.

[hana]

When I dated a man that my mom was less than crazy about, she said little, but she prayed very hard. The most helpful thing, though, was that someone whom I respected asked me to consider whether or not I thought that this man was what I wanted or what I needed. He was pointing out the lopsided nature of the relationship for me: I was the one who gave and gave, but I would also be the one who would lose if we got married. It woke me up to the codependent nature of the relationship. It wasn't that the guy didn't have some very attractive qualities; but those qualities would not be enough to make up for the real emotional and financial losses I would suffer if I "settled" for a relationship with him.

 

Maybe if you were able to ask your dd what she has considered the most important qualities for her partner in a lifelong relationship and whether or not this man fits those ideas. Not that you are pressing her to tell you the reply to that question, but that it might be a good way for her to evaluate her own heart in the matter.

 

I think this is very wise. I think one can be supportive while also still helping her to have an "out" if she decides she needs it.

[Jean in Newcastle]

If everyone digs trenches and declares war, you might end up where my sister did. She knew before the wedding that it was not the right decision to marry the man but she couldn't bear to hear "I told you so." She had years of unhappiness before she was able to start to rebuild her life.

[Embassy]

Having been in a similar situation as your daughter I'd hope you'd welcome him and get to know him before you pass judgment based purely on his culture, education, job, and age etc... it will mean the world to your daughter. I'm glad everything has worked out well for me, and it may or may not for your daughter, but I cannot even begin to tell you how much it would have meant to me to have my parents be at least open-minded enough to pretend at neutrality. It would have saved me so much heartache.

 

I have much in common with your story. To the OP, welcome him. He could be there to stay. Your bias (spoken or unspoken) against his culture, background, education, etc could very well undermine your relationship with your daughter and future grandchildren.

Edited August 8, 2010 by Wehomeschool

[Terabith]

In the context, however, of a post showing criticism of a man and his character, the inclusion of "he's from a different culture" takes on another element.

 

I interpreted it not so much as a criticism of him but as an expression of a further stressor/ risk factor for a relationship, on top of the other concerns (older, doesn't know sign language, no stable job, etc).

 

I am glad he's following her. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you, but I think you have to just support her and reserve judgment. Although it sounds like it's not a great match, it isn't fair to judge him until you've met him, not just once but gotten to know him well over time. At the moment your opinion will hold NO merit with her.

 

If the time comes when they are considering taking the relationship to another level, I might ask them to seek premarital counseling with a pastor (?) who is experienced in dealing with couples who have mixed cultures.

[Merry]

We talked about other things but I gradually brought the conversation around to this guy. I didn't say anything about my concerns but just asked general questions like what job he has at WalMart and where he lives and why he has no car. Then she expressed some concern with his low paying job, his lack of apparent motivation, and whether he will fit in her circle of deaf friends and relatives. I tried to stay neutral but she knows me so very well. At least we seem able to talk about this and we agreed that my dh and I will meet him somewhere at a coffee shop within a few days. Then we'll see. But I feel better now about her dating situation. I think she will make a good decision especially if we don't drive her away but make it easy for her to talk to us. That's if the guy is not the type to be persistent or controlling. Going to premarital counseling with a pastor familiar with mixed marriages is a good idea if they get that far.

[sheryl]

foolish in our opinion. We're not sure what to say to her or do about it. To keep it brief, on her summer break from college, she met a guy while working at WalMart and is getting pretty serious about him. We haven't met him yet as we got the news only a couple days ago. We have a lot of problems already because he is from a very different culture from ours and even though he is fifteen years older than she, he still is not settled in a job. My dd and he have no friends in common. He has very little education which shows in the way he talks. We are quite disappointed to say the least and very much afraid for her future which might include poverty and even involvement with others in crime as there are several relatives in his family on the lam from the police. One thing in his favor is that he's never been married and has no children. But we don't know his background with other girls. I know that we could go over and meet him but we're not ready for that yet. We want to be very careful not to push her away but at the same time, we want to protect her but I guess we can't really, can we? This guy is talking about moving across country to live near her while she finishes college there. I hope it's not a sign that he's the persistent type if you know what I mean. Our dd has never really dated before and we're afraid that she's being naive. What the heck should we do other than pray for her and try to be supportive?

 

 

Honestly Emily, prayer is the BIGGEST thing you can do. I have 2 nieces. One 31 and the other 25. My 25 yo dn was dating this guy about 4 years ago when she had just turned 20 or so. You know there are many reasons people date. My dn was and still is pretty overweight...she's a very pretty girl though and pretty in her heart. We found out that she was getting very serious to the point of talking marriage! Then we found out he was the "controlling" type. Not talking biblical submission here, I'm talking dangerously controlling. Many times guys/men who exhibit this behavior have low self esteem so they prove themselves.

 

What worked for my sister regarding her dd was prayer. Little things surfaced with this guy....my sister would politely explain to my neice when this guy would be in error. He hung himself actually. Actions speak louder than words....Sheryl <><

[Mynyel]

I just have to say too...

 

Really, is there ever going to be a man (or woman for the sons!) that a parent is really going to latch onto and say he is the greatest thing since sliced bread?

 

These are our kids and no matter what I think we are going to find fault just because we want to protect them :)

 

However I know for a fact that there are numerous (rival the stars?) couple whose parents thought that the spouse wasn't right and it was never going to work and etc...

 

So, not saying we (or you!) should worry, concern... watch with a moms hawk eye BUT give the benefit of the doubt until reason not to do so!

[ktgrok]

good news indeed!!! If she has noticed these things, and is concerned, then I think you are in the clear. She obviously is clearheaded and not being swept away!! And you are right to stay neutral...I met a similar guy, and my parents were clear that they didn't like his attitude, etc...and I felt like that was a reflection on me so I always defended him. Ended up being in a bad marriage for too many years before I finally left. IT was hard to tell my parents they were right.

[Harriet Vane]

I just have to say too...

 

Really, is there ever going to be a man (or woman for the sons!) that a parent is really going to latch onto and say he is the greatest thing since sliced bread?

 

 

 

While I think your point is apt, I do have a funny story in response to what I've quoted above.

 

When a dear friend of mine was agonizing over her feelings for her then-boyfriend, her mother said to her (totally jokingly), "Honestly, if you don't marry him maybe I will."

 

Needless to say, her mother DID think this guy was the best thing since sliced bread.