Overreacting or Not?

[kahlanne]

I have this delima and I thought I would get your take on it. My daughter is 14 and has a great group of friends. We have known each other for years now and even the parents are now pretty close with each other. DD was asked to go on a trip for 5 days with this group 7 hours away, two states. They would be staying on a lake, riding a pontoon boat, skiing/tubing behind a regular boat, swimming, jet skiing, etc. She is a great swimmer, experienced on a boat, been tubing many times. There would be 4 adults that we know and think are trustworthy, the grandfather that owns the cabin which we don't know, six 14 year olds, and two 10 yr olds. We told them she could go but that she had to wear her life jacket at all times in the boat, not just in the water. We also told DD the rules. Turns out, the area they were in had very little cell reception so we were only able to get minimal text messages the entire time but I assumed all was well. You know what they say about assuming. My daughter came in last night at 10, dropped off by a parent that didn't go but was picking up her child. When she turned around I saw a huge bruise on the back of her leg. It is right below her buttocks and measures roughly 6" long by 5" wide. It is extremely dark considering she got it Monday around lunch. They were boating near something called Chimney Rock in Martin Lake Birmingham, AL. This rock is approx. 35-40' tall and many people dive off of it to the water below. These people allowed my daughter to jump off the rock into the water. DD's rationale is that everyone was doing it and the usually strict, careful parents were okay with it. Plus she had on her life jacket. She said that while she tried to stay straight, she turned a little and hit the water at an angle. The bruise was instant! She said it was black. I looked it up online and saw lots of photos of jumpers along with a few articles. One news article stated that since it isn't against the law, it can't be stopped even though the hospitals have many injuries every summer even some paralyzed and dye. One person had made the jump many times before and this last time even though he was going in straight, he crushed his spine. He ended up having surgery and was not paralyzed by some miracle. The news stated that the next week a 16 yr old girl died from her jump. Another jumper broke her arm on impact from swinging it around. It explained the physics of hitting the water from that distance, calculatting speed, etc but I didn't care. My issue is she should have never jumped. I understand why dd chose to but the adults were in charge. At the very least they should have called to get clearance or not allowed it. Not only that, I have yet to hear from anyone about it. I didn't get a call or text later that day from any adult. I am sure they can say service issues or didn't want me to worry since she still had another day there but still. I also didn't get a call last night or all day today even though everyone's home. I am so angry. DD says the parents were so worried about my reaction and imo, they should be! She could have been killed! Dh says I am a little too hysterical. He says they shouldn't have but that she is fine so we should just let them know it isn't acceptable in the future. I see his point but he is too calm about it. I know if she had been injured worse, he would have been ranting and screaming at them but because she is fine it is virtually okay. Not me! I am glad she is fine but it doesn't matter the result when taking into account the parents actions. I can't trust them at all and I want them to know it. I also want them to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I ever let her around them again, they better call if there is a smidgen of a doubt. UGGGHHH! I took all of the kids to the beach once with my dh and another adult and when one needed ibuprofen, I called to make sure even though the kid said it was fine. I also didn't let them go out over their heads! So what is your take? How would you handle it? I have a picture, if noone minds. This photo was taken 2 days later and isn't photoshopped other than to crop out her booty. It is the backside of her left leg right below her bottom. Imagine if she would have landed even worse and did something to her spine. Btw, she didn't hit rocks, it was the force of the water impact.

[kahlanne]

Couldn't do the link so look here if you would like to see.

http://s8.photobucket.com/albums/a46/kahlanne/?action=view&current=IMGP5116a.jpg

[Jean in Newcastle]

Initially, I would be furious. But once I calmed down, I would be very happy that she was ok. I think I would realize that you have different standards of safety than these other adults. (I agree with your standards btw). I would also realize that at 14 esp. if the other adults were fine with their kids jumping, that it would be very difficult to say no. I would simply make sure that I was with her next time (or my husband) so that she could continue to enjoy these friendships in a safe manner. I would not try and force others to maintain my standards of safety. (This would be different if it was a formal group rather than an informal group of families.)

[Pink Fairy]

Initially, I would be furious. But once I calmed down, I would be very happy that she was ok. I think I would realize that you have different standards of safety than these other adults. (I agree with your standards btw). I would also realize that at 14 esp. if the other adults were fine with their kids jumping, that it would be very difficult to say no. I would simply make sure that I was with her next time (or my husband) so that she could continue to enjoy these friendships in a safe manner. I would not try and force others to maintain my standards of safety. (This would be different if it was a formal group rather than an informal group of families.)

 

:iagree:Jean--the voice of wisdom and moderation. And she always says it so nicely!

[Gooblink]

I agree with Jean. All is well that ends well and now you know their standards for safety don't match yours. No more trips unless you and/or your husband can be there to help chaperone. That'd be my policy, anyway. :)

[athena1277]

I have been out on a boat and seen the exact place you are talking about! I would never, ever think of jumping there. Honestly, everyone should be banned from it. However, lots of people do it every summer. If I asked my FB friends, I could probably find several who did it in college and many others who think they are crazy.

 

I'm so sorry those you trusted let your dd make that jump and get hurt. Unfortunatly many people (including adults) see this as harmless fun.

[kahlanne]

Don't get me wrong, I am happy that she isn't hurt and am not in the least mad at her. I used it as a way to explain the dangers but told her had it been me at her age in the same situation, I would have done the same.

 

As for us going along, etc. We couldn't go even if we wanted due to the size of our family and the lodging around there. We also haven't allowed her to go on any of these trips before. When asked we originally said no but then the three moms that were going, whom I trust usually, said they would keep a close eye on her. There was only one other kid there without a parent. Until I heard all three of those moms were going along with one dad, a policeman, I wasn't going to let her go. I thought it would be similar in style to us letting them spend the weekend together. One friend has atvs and won't let them ride without protection. She was on this trip and even jumped herself. All but one of these parents are stict as to what the children even watch. They know our rules and have even called and asked if DD can watch a PG13 movie with them before allowing it. I figured if they can call for that, then this wouldn't happen.

[Chris in VA]

Agreeing with the folks above.

I wouldn't confront, I'd just say, next time she's asked, that I'd feel more comfortable supervising her myself.

[Joanne]

He says they shouldn't have but that she is fine so we should just let them know it isn't acceptable in the future. I see his point but he is too calm about it.

 

I'm in agreement with your DH. You would not have let her (and others). They did. They know you wouldn't again. It's over.

 

Kids do stuff; kids get hurt.

 

There will always be situations that families differ in comfort level.

[kahlanne]

One last thing...I did insist that DD wear a life jacket at all times in the boat but I quickly found out that all these parents make their daughters do this anyway. They never allow boating without a lifejacket on rather than nearby. Funny, less danger from jumping off a 40 ft rock into water that none of you have ever jumped into before but gotta wear the lifevest on the boat! Btw, this was the first time any had jumped including the parents that went on previous trips.

[kahlanne]

Okay, promise last thing. They actually don't know how we feel since noone has talked to us since the trip. DD told us what happened but none of the parents have called after it happened or since they returned. I am sure when I see them they will mention it but how do I handle it?

[Joanne]

Okay, promise last thing. They actually don't know how we feel since noone has talked to us since the trip. DD told us what happened but none of the parents have called after it happened or since they returned. I am sure when I see them they will mention it but how do I handle it?

 

:chillpill: Your dd is ok. You simply say "I would not have allowed the cliff jumping and I'm rather shocked that you did."

 

And that's it. You can't change other people's perception of risk, other people's approaches to adventure.

 

It would be unfair/not helpful to "threaten" them with not participating in the future - you will either let her or not.

 

You might see it as clear they are WRONG. But that's perception; it's not reality. The only healthy thing you can do is state what your preference would have been and also your displeasure.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Okay, promise last thing. They actually don't know how we feel since noone has talked to us since the trip. DD told us what happened but none of the parents have called after it happened or since they returned. I am sure when I see them they will mention it but how do I handle it?

 

I know that you said that they've never done this before and they obviously knew what happened to your daughter. I would suspect that this might very well be the last time that they will do it. I think they are feeling a bit concerned and uncomfortable about how you would take it.

 

If they bring it up, I would simply say, "Well, I was upset when I saw the bruise. I'm glad that she's ok though."

[Danestress]

I would not be thrilled either. I like to be included in decisions about questionable risks.

 

But I think different parents would call this different ways. I would imagine that since you were okay with jet skiing and tubing behind a motor boat, you would be okay with this if they were. I probably wouldn't be all that okay with it either, but I think you can talk to your daughter, teach her about risk assessment, let her spend some time with people who have brain injuries, etc. without being mad at the other parents. They made a call. You don't like the call. I understand that. But what is done is done. She's absolutely fine - a bruise like that is no big deal.

[Laurie4b]

Yes, I think you are overreacting. It's not about whether or not you would have let her do that--I may not have let my 14 year old son jump off of it, and then again I might have. Who knows? The issue is that these people are generally people you trust, they made a different decision than you did, and your daughter has a large bruise but is otherwise uninjured--and it's over and done with.

 

No one has exactly the same standards as any other parent. (dh's and dw's included) If the parents whom you usually trust and who hold very similar standards to you let their kids do it, then they obviously didn't see there was a significant risk in it or they wouldn't have let their kids do it either. I would encourage you to take a deep breath and let it go. She didn't get hurt, though I know that "what could have been" makes a parent crazy fearful and your anger probably has a core of fear in it. I don't think, though, that anyone did you wrong or did your daughter wrong. They used different judgment than you would have. That's not doing you wrong.

 

I think you're going to have to decide in the future whether to disallow your daughter to go on trips that are otherwise fun because you can't be there, or go yourself.

[kalanamak]

:chillpill: Your dd is ok. You simply say "I would not have allowed the cliff jumping and I'm rather shocked that you did."

 

It would be unfair/not helpful to "threaten" them with not participating in the future - you will either let her or not.

 

 

 

:iagree: :grouphug: for your shock, but I looked at the pic, and I would hate to see your reaction over a serious injury. Really, size and color is not that alarming.

 

That said, I wouldn't sent the kid out with them again. I wouldn't have let them jump that far, no no no.

[StephanieZ]

IMHO, unless you want to lose these friends, and impair your dd's friendships with the kids, you should not say anything at all about it to the parents, Not. One. Word. (You are too upset and it *would* come across!)

 

They did what they thought was a nice thing for your kid. They treated her with the same care they treated their own kids. . . As a rule, I expect other parents to treat my kids at least as carefully as they do their own, but no more. (Of course, it is great to extend even higher care/concern but I don't think it's fair to *expect* it.)

 

14 yo is old enough to be responsible for making good judgments. If you aren't happy with her choice, talk to her about it. If you can't rely on her to make choices you can live with, then you can't let her out of your supervision.

 

My oldest is near that age, and I have pretty much let go of "bossing" her friends, and I expect *her* to take care of herself when she is away from home. Of course, if I saw any child doing something I thought was lifethreatening, I'd put a stop to it. (I.e., I will still stop any kid, even teens, from riding "anything with wheels" w/o a helmet if I am the only adult present. . ) but, if *I* thought it was OK (tho' jumping some crazy height would NOT be OK in *my* book), I'd let other teens make their own choices, with, probably, a "would your mom let you?" reminder but not an edict not to do it.

 

That said, I totally feel your pain. I'd be really upset. . . but I'd try to tell myself that I was over-reacting and to Let. It. Go. (And supervise myself until/unless I could rely on the child to make wiser choices.)

[fairfarmhand]

Ok, I know this is totally inappropriate...but I can't help myself...

 

I guess you now know the answer to the question "Well, if everyone else's parents let them jump off a cliff would you do it too?"

 

(bad joke...I know...so sorry)

[Melissa in FL]

IMHO, unless you want to lose these friends, and impair your dd's friendships with the kids, you should not say anything at all about it to the parents, Not. One. Word. (You are too upset and it *would* come across!)

 

They did what they thought was a nice thing for your kid. They treated her with the same care they treated their own kids. . . As a rule, I expect other parents to treat my kids at least as carefully as they do their own, but no more. (Of course, it is great to extend even higher care/concern but I don't think it's fair to *expect* it.)

 

14 yo is old enough to be responsible for making good judgments. If you aren't happy with her choice, talk to her about it. If you can't rely on her to make choices you can live with, then you can't let her out of your supervision.

 

My oldest is near that age, and I have pretty much let go of "bossing" her friends, and I expect *her* to take care of herself when she is away from home. Of course, if I saw any child doing something I thought was lifethreatening, I'd put a stop to it. (I.e., I will still stop any kid, even teens, from riding "anything with wheels" w/o a helmet if I am the only adult present. . ) but, if *I* thought it was OK (tho' jumping some crazy height would NOT be OK in *my* book), I'd let other teens make their own choices, with, probably, a "would your mom let you?" reminder but not an edict not to do it.

 

That said, I totally feel your pain. I'd be really upset. . . but I'd try to tell myself that I was over-reacting and to Let. It. Go. (And supervise myself until/unless I could rely on the child to make wiser choices.)

 

:iagree: Well Said! Talk to your daughter about it but not the other parents. At 14 I wouldn't expect the other parents to tell you about it, your daughter is capable of telling you what happened. I wouldn't say a thing. If someone mentioned it to me I would just say " I heard about it and wasn't very happy. DD and I talked it over though". Just leave it at that.

Melissa

[teachermom2834]

No matter how much you trust the other parents when you let your dd go with them you were giving them that control. As crazy as it seems to you it is within the realm of parental decision making that you handed over to them. You can't judge them by your standards. You now know just how far apart your standards may be on some things.

 

No matter how well you know someone or how alike you are on most things you just can't know how a parent will decide on any one issue. When you let your dd go you were assuming the risk that she might be given permission to do something that you wouldn't have approved. That's part of the deal.

 

FWIW I agree with you on the safety issue. I bet those parents realize their error in judgement now. I've sure let mine do things I thought better of later.

[kahlanne]

Fairfarmhand, LOL! I needed that. I guess I know the answer there.

 

Okay so you see me as overreacting. In that case, I am quitting the board and finding another that choses my side. Only joking. I see your points but I don't want to.

 

I actually am not upset about the bruise itself, never was. I have seen worse on my kids and myself. I also don't stress about each bump and bruise they get. The major issue was them choosing something dangerous without permission from parents and how do I trust them from now on. Having said that, maybe Stephanie Z hit the nail on the head. When I have control over another person's child, I not only treat it like my own but try to decide if their parent would like something before doing it. Even if I would have let my daughter jump, it is irrelevant when it comes to their child because they might not allow it. I try to always take that into account. I never thought about people just "treating the kids like their own". Hmmm....makes scense though and they did let thier own. Still don't like it. LOL.

 

I know I would have called not to check on the child but the parent's reaction especially being friends but again I guess some wouldn't. Its funny as mad as I am, I know if V called and said, "I wanted to explain. The parents did it and honestly we have seen people do it for years without seeing anyone hurt. We let our kids jump too. I just didn't see anything bad happening from it. Hope you aren't mad." I wouldn't be near as upset. Funny, when a kid that plays at our home fell on the trampoline and bumped his head, I called and explained to the parent even though they were always okay with the trampoline before. Anyway, I am going round and round. I see you guys point, even if I disagree.

 

As for telling them that she can't go again. Point taken. I just wonder how careful I should be with her going to their homes on the weekend when I know they have ridden fourwheelers, horses, etc. I just don't want them to take any unneccessary chances. I guess this is when my daughter should step up but I wish I could count on the adults too. Thinking out loud here, sorry.

[JudoMom]

I think you are overreacting. They made a bad call. I'm sure they realize it now. And since your dd is 14, I wouldn't expect the parents to call me and tell me. And I would be holding dd somewhat responsible. At 14, one can look at a cliff and realize it might not be the best thing to jump off of. I would be talking to her about the poor decision she made to go along with the crowd. Be thankful it's just a bruise, and let it go.

 

If they mention it, I would just say something like "I heard about that. I think dd's learned her lesson about jumping off cliffs."

[kahlanne]

Uggh, I have such poor grammar/writing skills. I almost hate posting on a homeschool board! I have always worried about that with my kid's schoolwork but it hasn't really been an issue yet. Please forgive all the mistakes.

[KristenS]

Are you sure her bruise is the only lasting injury? I mean, has she had any weird backaches or anything like that, since then? That's what I'd be concerned about ... a bruise is no biggie, but if she hit THAT hard ... I'd be wondering what collateral damage there was, KWIM? I totalled a car and got nary a bruise, but had bone and muscle aches for days after, when I was a teen. And in middle school, some kids pulled a chair out from under me when we were sitting down, and I landed hard on my tailbone ... no mark, but that bone ached off and on for years.

 

Not trying to give you more things to worry about! Just a heads-up about things to double-check.

 

I'm not sure you are overreacting ... I think you might want to try reeeeeeeally hard to be calm when you talk to them, but personally I'd be pretty livid too. You just don't dive into unknown waters, no matter how many other idiots you can see doing it. I do think a gentle, "Wow, did you know what a dangerous place that is? We're so lucky no one came away with anything worse than a bruise" might be in order ... they do need to know, and it can't be assumed that they 'learned a lesson' because if no one got badly hurt, they probably still think it's okay there! And since they sound like generally sensible people, they probably would want to know.

 

They also might not have spoken to you yet out of worry ... they don't want to lose the friendship either. Maybe they hope you think it was okay too.

 

Yeah, maybe your daughter should've had better sense. But that's the age where they waver between being young and frightened, and being out to stretch their wings and test their limits ... that's a good thing, but sometimes they don't have the right information to make those judgment calls!

 

Either way, lots of hugs to both of you!

[Joanne]

As for telling them that she can't go again. Point taken. I just wonder how careful I should be with her going to their homes on the weekend when I know they have ridden fourwheelers, horses, etc. I just don't want them to take any unneccessary chances. I guess this is when my daughter should step up but I wish I could count on the adults too. Thinking out loud here, sorry.

 

Normal parents take "unneccesary" chances every day. Did you make a non mandatory trip today in the car?

 

While I read what you said about the bruise, the most recent post is in contrast to the earlier one that described in complete detail about the bruise and the severity of it.

 

She sounds like she has a great, well rounded adventurous life. Do you think your comfort level with an active life is healthy or not?

[emzhengjiu]

A bit of a dissenting view here. I would be angry that my daughter was allowed to do something that potentially dangerous and disappointed that one of the adults didn't discuss the situation with me both before and afterward. A 14 yo is still a minor and still needs supervision and guidance. A young person that age can tell the parents what happened but I don't think that releases the adults from responsiblity to communicate with the parents as well. I'm not a free range parent and I especially err on the side of caution with other people's kids. In my opinion, the adults used poor judgement but I don't know if I would talk with them about this or not. Whatever you decide, wait until you've calmed down. I thankful your daughter is okay!

 

Ann

[2cents]

I don't think you are overreacting at all. You trusted them to show good judgement and letting the kids jump off a rock that was known to have caused injury was very irresponsible. I'm glad your daughter is ok even though that bruise looks bad. :grouphug:

[kahlanne]

Joanne, actually no I didn't take any unnecessary trips in a car today but it is something I have done many times. Still, I don't think it is in any way the same. If my daughter would have gotten hurt in an unnecessary car trip with me or someone else, I would just say it is an accident unless they were doing something to heighten the chances of damage. Same thing for this trip, I knew of some things they were going to be doing and some things I didn't. I didn't know they would be swinging from a rope into the water either but the potential for something deadly to happen there isn't as great. Also, when thinking of water play, I can totally see it "fitting" in the group of other things to do at a lake. We don't have cliffs around here and even if we did, I don't necessarily think, "Hey let's jump from the cliff into the water" when thinking of lake activities. I can't list everything that my daughter isn't allowed to do anymore than they can tell me everything that may come up. However, I did expect for them to give some consideration to the fact that they knew we were reluctant to allow her to go and therefore given a certain degree of consideration to whether we would allow it ourselves. If in doubt and you can't contact the parents, my rule has always been to not allow it.

 

As for the bruise, like I said I am not worried about the damage from the bruise. She isnt' sore in the least. Thank God. I really like all is well with her with only a battle scar but I also think she was lucky. My original post was describing how bad the bruise was for her to have impacted nothing but the water. Again, it is much better than it was even yesterday and this happened on Monday around lunch. The photo was taken right before original post. I am thankful it was just a bruise and I could care less about the bruise itself other than it proves that it wasn't just a simple thing to do. Being that she was only slightly tilted, she only got a bruise but if she would have leaned more, it could very easily have broken a body part, etc. Yes a risk she took at 14 yrs old and one I guess that we took by sending her with them. Somehow it seems so much more understandable for them to call and say "DD was hurt in a car accident or boating accident rather than a cliff jumping accident."

 

 

Yes, she does have a well rounded adventurous life. I am proud of that but we do access the risk on almost everything she does and try to prepare her for it. We also try to teach her the correct way to do something if it is risky. Not that we would allow jumping from a cliff but if we were, dh and I would have had to have first hand experience with it. DD would have had to have been used to swimming in a lake around rocky areas. She also would have had to gradually built up to the higher jumps. I went to a high dive at a swim meet when I was a teen and there were three levels. I was allowed to participate after showing my swimming skills. I had to first "prove" that I had correct form on the shortest, then the middle, and finally could jump from the upper level. No diving though. I did the first and second but chickened out of the top.

 

Anyway, to answer you, yes, I think my comfort level with an active life is completely healthy.

[mcconnellboys]

I would not be so upset about the bruise as I would be about what might have happened. Given the obvious publicity the place enjoys, I believe they knew very well what the dangers were and should have discussed this with you even before taking her there. I'm afraid I'd not let her go anywhere with them again....

[RanchGirl]

Am I the only one who is thinking wow cliff jumping sounds fun? I actually had no idea it was considered dangerous. That bruise looks pretty minor, I can see getting something like that just from tubing or sports. I am extremely responsible when it comes to other children in our care and I wouldn't call notify a parent about a bruise. A more serious injury or something that required medication -- yes I would call.

 

I'm with your husband. The only thing I would say to the other parents is "thank you so much for taking my dd with you this weekend, she had a great time." You can either decide that this was an isolated incident and send your dd with them again in the future with the caveat that she is not to jump into the water from anything over X height. Or if this incident causes you to doubt all these parents' decisions, then don't send your dd with them next time.

 

Telling them off or notifying them you're upset will do nothing positive!

[NanceXToo]

Am I the only one who is thinking wow cliff jumping sounds fun? I actually had no idea it was considered dangerous. That bruise looks pretty minor, I can see getting something like that just from tubing or sports. I am extremely responsible when it comes to other children in our care and I wouldn't call notify a parent about a bruise. A more serious injury or something that required medication -- yes I would call.

 

I'm with your husband. The only thing I would say to the other parents is "thank you so much for taking my dd with you this weekend, she had a great time." You can either decide that this was an isolated incident and send your dd with them again in the future with the caveat that she is not to jump into the water from anything over X height. Or if this incident causes you to doubt all these parents' decisions, then don't send your dd with them next time.

 

Telling them off or notifying them you're upset will do nothing positive!

 

I agree with this!

[WishboneDawn]

Normal parents take "unneccesary" chances every day. Did you make a non mandatory trip today in the car?

 

That is a good point we tend to only see the risks that are unfamiliar to us and not recognize that ones that we take every day.

 

Your daughter had a great time, has a bruise to show for it and you both learned a lesson about what limits or boundaries you may need to set next time. I'm not sure the whole matter needs 4 pages of analysis. :)

 

Ranchgirl - I'm with you. :D

[Lolly]

Am I the only one who is thinking wow cliff jumping sounds fun? I actually had no idea it was considered dangerous. That bruise looks pretty minor, I can see getting something like that just from tubing or sports. I am extremely responsible when it comes to other children in our care and I wouldn't call notify a parent about a bruise. A more serious injury or something that required medication -- yes I would call.

 

I'm with your husband. The only thing I would say to the other parents is "thank you so much for taking my dd with you this weekend, she had a great time." You can either decide that this was an isolated incident and send your dd with them again in the future with the caveat that she is not to jump into the water from anything over X height. Or if this incident causes you to doubt all these parents' decisions, then don't send your dd with them next time.

 

Telling them off or notifying them you're upset will do nothing positive!

 

 

Nah, I was just afraid to admit it. We would have been jumping. It is in line with the other activities they were participating in as far as risk in my opinion. As the adult in charge, I would not have hesitated to let her jump. I probably wouldn't have thought to call to mention the bruise since there was no real harm done. (I would not have said anything about not telling them either, of course!:D) I might have mentioned it in casual conversation before we were going because cliff jumping is rather routine around here when the water is up high enough in the lake.

 

We would NOT have been jet skiing though. That activity is far too dangerous. You want to talk about injuries and risk...

Edited June 17, 2010 by Lolly

[Mrs Mungo]

Am I the only one who is thinking wow cliff jumping sounds fun?

 

Errr...here is a photo of my 14 year old daughter and my 16 cousin (who is more like my niece, since my aunt is only 10 years older than I am) jumping off a cliff that I allowed them to jump off of. My dd tilted a bit and her bottom was red, but she wasn't bruised. My 11 year old has jumped off this rock, so have a lot of the homeschooling moms that I know.

 

It's only about 25 feet, it's in the ocean, so it has a soft sandy bottom and I don't know of *any* injuries that have occurred here. BUT...if these parents had jumped off cliffs/rocks elsewhere, maybe they were unaware of the danger of the one you describe.

 

I wouldn't call them or anything, but when I talked to them I would just say "wow, that was quite a bruise, it freaked me out a little!"

 

I'm sure your daughter realizes it was probably not a good idea and will hopefully be more circumspect in the future.

[Mary in VA]

Oh my goodness! I googled Chimney Rock and read stories and looked at pictures. How could anyone who knew a mom wanted their child to wear a life-vest in a boat not think she'd want to be asked if her child could jump off a 40 foot rock!! After looking at the pictures and reading the stories my mind was screaming "NOOOOO!" According to a physics teacher it takes 2 1/2 seconds to hit the water and the jumper is going 45 mph. If the jumper hits the water at any angle they can be seriously injured or killed. So I TOTALLY get you being upset at not being called before or after. The parents probably didn't want to call you after because they know they made a bad decision.

 

BUT, I don't think getting mad at them at this point would accomplish anything but destroy friendships. You know now that they won't make the same choices you would, so don't let your daughter go on this type of outing with them again.

 

My only concern would be that they really didn't understand the danger and still don't. If you think that could be the case you might want to share with them what you've learned about Chimney Rock AFTER you have really calmed down. That way if they go there in the future they can make informed decisions regarding their own children.

 

Mary

[Remudamom]

Simple fix. They are not to be trusted with her again. Take it or leave it.

 

You can see videos on youtube. Looks a bit too high for me to want kids jumping off.

Edited June 17, 2010 by Remudamom

[Laurie4b]

One last thing...I did insist that DD wear a life jacket at all times in the boat but I quickly found out that all these parents make their daughters do this anyway. They never allow boating without a lifejacket on rather than nearby. Funny, less danger from jumping off a 40 ft rock into water that none of you have ever jumped into before but gotta wear the lifevest on the boat! Btw, this was the first time any had jumped including the parents that went on previous trips.

 

See, in general, you and these parents have very similar standards. Have you never had your dh let your kids do something that you wouldn't have had you been there and then he is surprised when you're upset? I have and I still trust the man.

 

I agree that there was risk in the jump, but I don't know that that one thing would keep me from ever trusting these parents again. If they invite her there again, I would at that point say that you are not comfortable with her jumping from Chimney Rock.

[Haiku]

Honestly, what's done is done. I don't think you should be furious about it. I would never have considered that jumping into water from really high could be deadly dangerous ... perhaps I am dumb, but you know, pools have "high dives" for a reason ... people like the thrill of jumping. Movies show people making leaps from on high into water all the time. I probably wouldn't have ever considered the possibility of shattering a spine. :shrug: No one's life is free of danger or close calls. It happens. Now your dd knows better.

 

Yesterday when my dd was at a Native American camp, a kid swung a stick and hit her in the eye. She has a pretty nasty shiner. One of my friends got all worked up about how the people at camp should have been more responsible and they shouldn't allow kids to play with sticks and yada yada. You know, these things happen.

 

Tara

[Murphy101]

Wow.

 

I went cliff diving all. the. time. as a kid starting at age 8-ish.

4-wheelers - yep

horses - yep

rode elephants too for that matter

and lots of other stuff.

 

and we never wore life jackets either. or helmets or saddles.....

 

One wonders how the human race has ever made it this long on the earth.

 

I bruise easy and so do a couple of my kids, so a bruise wouldn't mean much to me. Most of the time I can't even tell you what casued the bruise.

 

I bet you'd find just as many hits for accidents off high dives of pools.

 

I won't say you are over-reacting.

 

But you aren't acting as I would about it.

[kahlanne]

Thank you for all the advice. I really do appreciate it. My dh asked why I posted here about this issue. I wanted to see other sides or points of view. While I don't agree with many of you, it gives me something to think about. I haven't spoken to anyone yet, am becoming calmer, and will consider all pov when I do see them. However, I do want it understood that under no circumstance should my daughter do something under their care that is dangerous without talking to me first. If they are unsure, then the answer should be no. I want dd to keep her friends so I will approach this cautiously in a couple of days. Thanks again, Carol

[jenn-]

Odds are they were tooling around Lake Martin, saw people jumping off the rock and thought it looked cool. As it isn't illegal to jump from the rock, I seriously doubt there is a sign telling people not to jump. I also doubt they had a chance to Google it from the middle of the lake to see that it is actually known for injury. I would be a bit miffed that they hadn't called to tell me that she had been bruised from cliff jumping when they had a cell signal. Depending on their carrier, Lake Martin really does have horrible coverage. If she was tubing she could also have come off the tube and gotten horribly injured, life jacket or not. If I were to say anything to them, it would be about not informing you the day it happened. Then I would have a long talk with DD about assessing risks to her actions.

[tex-mex]

Initially, I would be furious. But once I calmed down, I would be very happy that she was ok. I think I would realize that you have different standards of safety than these other adults. (I agree with your standards btw). I would also realize that at 14 esp. if the other adults were fine with their kids jumping, that it would be very difficult to say no. I would simply make sure that I was with her next time (or my husband) so that she could continue to enjoy these friendships in a safe manner. I would not try and force others to maintain my standards of safety. (This would be different if it was a formal group rather than an informal group of families.)

:iagree: We take teens to the lake for 5-6 days. As strict as we are, some kids simply do not listen. If this happens, they have to hang out with the old folks while the young'ns have fun. (Time out) Or we do not bring them for anymore trips.

 

Our rural lake in NM has little cell phone coverage also. I would bring it up in conversation -- but be aware that dd made the choice and adults okayed it -- perhaps next time, you go on the trip? :confused: You could be waging a war with dd's friends that can ruin a relationship? Be cautious with how you handle this. Try to hear the other POV.

Edited June 17, 2010 by tex-mex