Impossible Reunion Situation

[katemary63]

Oh gosh. I am faced with an impossible situation and I just wonder what others would do. I will try to explain the situation as succinctly as I can.

I am estranged from my father. He sexually abused me (and my two siblings) my entire life. Our abuse included extreme emotional and spiritual abuse and mind manipulation. It's a MIRACLE that I can think for myself at all! My brother and sister still talk to him. I do not. The art of denial is well developed in my family. I do not participate.

My dad has another son by his second wife (who knows about the abuse), age 19, that I have only seen twice in my life. I have always sent him cards and gifts, but no other contact ever.

Over this last 1-2 years, I have begun to communicate with my little brother on facebook. He initiated a conversation through email, we friended each other and now we chat all the time. He is a teenage father (long story) and we chat about his baby. He has NO IDEA that I don't like his father. He has NO IDEA about the abuse. He is on good terms with his parents and lives with them. I live in AR, he lives in PA.

Our family is from WI. There is going to be a reunion on my father's side, over 100 people. It is only the second one they have ever had. I have not seen any of them in about 10 years or more. My father is dead broke/ destitute and did not go to the last reunion because he had no money. I was unable to go last time. (two years ago) I have planned to go this time, just assuming my father would not go for the same reasons. I offered my brother a plane ticket so he could go to the reunion and meet family he has never seen. I also thought it would be awesome for all four siblings to be together for the first time ever. I am also VERY excited to be able to see his baby. My little brother and I have both been anticipating spending some time together.

Well, my father and his wife ARE going to the reunion. They are driving and bringing my brother and the baby.

This means that none of my adult children will attend. They know about my abuse and don't ever want to see my father. (They haven't seen him in 10 years or more.) I have to decide whether or not I will attend this event. I will have to make excuses about my kids. Two will be easy because they live in AR, but the other lives in IL and I'll have to lie about her. I'll have to pretend not to be estranged from my father for my brother's sake. I would never want to hurt him or his relationship with his dad. I'll have to sit at the same table with my siblings and father and join in the denial/ everything is normal party - something I have NEVER done before.

To make things even worse, my MOTHER is going. My parents have been divorced 20 years and I have no idea why she wants to go but I can NOT stomach the thought of having to sit at a table with all of them together. Talk about dysfunctional! If I did decide to go, I would insist to my mom that she not attend. I'm sure she would agree, but she would not understand. She is the world's biggest queen of denial! But I am capable of confronting her and spelling it out plainly.

 

Not going means not seeing my little brother. I will simply plan my trip to WI for a different week and he will not be there. I will, however, be able to visit some of the aunts/ uncles/ cousins that I would miss at the reunion during my visit, but not all of them, by any means. Many are coming in from out of state.

So, would YOU go? I have not made my decision yet, but I am leaning towards not going. I am just wondering what other people would do. Thanks.

[Snickerdoodle]

Don't go.

 

Can't you visit this brother separately at another time?

 

*hugs*

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

Don't go.

 

Can't you visit this brother separately at another time?

 

*hugs*

 

:iagree:These were my EXACT thoughts.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would not go to the reunion. It would trigger flashbacks, nightmares etc. for me (I know this from experience). I would go to see what family you can another time. And since you were prepared to give your little brother a plane ticket that he won't need now that he's driving with his parents, I would suggest that you fly him out by himself to see you and your family sometime. (Phew! That's a long sentence!)

[MariannNOVA]

So, would YOU go?

 

 

No, I would not go. I agree with trying to see your brother separately another time. and I will PM you.

[katemary63]

Don't go.

 

Can't you visit this brother separately at another time?

 

*hugs*

 

Well, I could try to get him to come visit me. But I don't think I could go to his home in PA and have to socialize with our dad and his mom. I just could never visit my dad in his own home. Too intimate, I guess? The problem would be the same anyway - having to pretend for my brother's sake. I could offer him a plane ticket to come visit me, I guess.

[KnitWit]

I wouldn't go....and I most CERTAINLY wouldn't lie about or FOR anyone!

 

Just because THEY live in a delusional world does NOT mean YOU have to. You speak the truth. Plain and simple. Abusers should not be protected like that.

 

I'd probably be *tempted* to be snarky and tell him to ask his dad why I wouldn't be there.

[elise1mds]

I wouldn't go, either. There aren't enough good reasons in the world to balance out the dysfunction. If you go, you're not only going to have to worry about making excuses for your kids, you'll also wind up having to be fake nice. And I hate fake nice. And I'm guessing you do, too :)

[BigMamaBird]

You are very kind and generous to offer to pay your brother's way to the reunion. Could you pay to have him come visit you at another time. That way, you two can have a nice time with none of the dysfunction.

 

There's no way on God's green earth that I'd go.

[Audrey]

There is no way I would go, and if I lived near you I'd do my best to convince you not to go. I'd even physically try to stop you from going. Please do not do this to yourself.

[Tap]

I can imagine you are disappointed. I would just let go of idea and start planning your own get together. Since you are not having to foot the bill for his ticket now, and your adult children aren't attending I would plan a special event that would include them, you siblings and your mom if you want her there.

 

If you want to see some of the other relatives maybe you can go for a few days before the actual event and see some of the people who show up early (or late) what ever works best for you. Just make plans on the actual reunion date with a friend. Then you can tell everyone that you have a previous commitment on the actual day.

 

:grouphug:

[Dandelion]

I can imagine you are disappointed. I would just let go of idea and start planning your own get together. Since you are not having to foot the bill for his ticket now, and your adult children aren't attending I would plan a special event that would include them, you siblings and your mom if you want her there.

 

If you want to see some of the other relatives maybe you can go for a few days before the actual event and see some of the people who show up early (or late) what ever works best for you. Just make plans on the actual reunion date with a friend. Then you can tell everyone that you have a previous commitment on the actual day.

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[RoughCollie]

There is no way I would go, and if I lived near you I'd do my best to convince you not to go. I'd even physically try to stop you from going. Please do not do this to yourself.

 

 

:iagree:

[katemary63]

Well, thanks, everybody! I don't know why, but sometimes doubts creap in and you wonder if you're doing the right thing. Am I a big baby? Shouldn't I be able to handle this? Etc! Anyway, I am not going. You all have made it clear that it would not be wise, and that's all I needed. I was almost there, just needed a push! Thanks!

 

I will be trying to plan a get together with my littel brother sometime soon. I hope it works out.

 

I have wondered if it is right to keep everything from him. But, our dad is 74. My brother loves him. I don't see why I can't continue avoiding the subject (it just never comes up in our conversation) until the old man passes and then we'll have the rest of our lives to get to know each other without him. I don't see the benefit of filling my brother with sadness over it. I guess I hope he never finds out and never has to deal with knowing this horrible thing about his dad.

[MariannNOVA]

Well, thanks, everybody! I don't know why, but sometimes doubts creap in and you wonder if you're doing the right thing. Am I a big baby? Shouldn't I be able to handle this? Etc! Anyway, I am not going. You all have made it clear that it would not be wise, and that's all I needed. I was almost there, just needed a push! Thanks!

 

I will be trying to plan a get together with my littel brother sometime soon. I hope it works out.

 

I have wondered if it is right to keep everything from him. But, our dad is 74. My brother loves him. I don't see why I can't continue avoiding the subject (it just never comes up in our conversation) until the old man passes and then we'll have the rest of our lives to get to know each other without him. I don't see the benefit of filling my brother with sadness over it. I guess I hope he never finds out and never has to deal with knowing this horrible thing about his dad.

 

:grouphug:

[StephanieZ]

I would not go.

 

I would not lie.

 

I would invite your brother to bring his baby to you for a visit some other time and to buy his ticket (the baby can fly free!)

 

I would find a way to tell your brother the truth. He deserves to know for many reasons -- not the least of which is that he might have well be victimized himself and also his own child(ren) may be at risk if they are in contact with the grandfather, which they presumably are.

 

The results of your father's abuse of you include the truth being known. If the truth hurts a relationship, that is NOT YOUR FAULT. The abuse wasn't. . . and the fall out isn't. . .

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: It seems that you are in a good place emotionally and handling these issues so well. . . and have such a kind heart. I am sorry you have to go through this. It seems to me that the truth will have to come out in order for you to continue this relationship with your brother in a real way.

 

Honestly. . . I think a good relationship with a loving sister might well be more valuable to your brother than whatever relationship he has with his/your father. You are clearly a better person. . . and heck, you'll live longer. (Sorry, that's snarky, but, well, it is true.)

[SonshineLearner]

Gosh, as your brother's child is getting bigger, don't you have to let him in on your secret? Can you imagine if your father was still doing it?? And.... as the news has shown in our area lately... really old g-pas can still mess with... and more... kids.

 

Sorry for you..... In one way, your father's presence shouldn't ruin your good time... if you can help it.

Sorry...

[kalanamak]

 

So, would YOU go? I have not made my decision yet, but I am leaning towards not going. I am just wondering what other people would do. Thanks.

 

 

Gosh, I'm famous for having an opinion on everything, but I say only you can make that choice. How can anyone else weigh the hurt against the thrill of family.....

 

Will there be another one in 2 years?

[DaffodilDreams]

No, you're not being a big baby. It's important to set boundaries that make you feel safe. Not going would be that sort of boundary-setting.

[AuntieM]

:iagree::iagree:

I would not go to the reunion. It would trigger flashbacks, nightmares etc. for me (I know this from experience). I would go to see what family you can another time. And since you were prepared to give your little brother a plane ticket that he won't need now that he's driving with his parents, I would suggest that you fly him out by himself to see you and your family sometime. (Phew! That's a long sentence!)

 

Spend the time and money on a quality visit with your brother and his baby.

[Harriet Vane]

I would not go.

 

I would not lie.

 

I would invite your brother to bring his baby to you for a visit some other time and to buy his ticket (the baby can fly free!)

 

I would find a way to tell your brother the truth. He deserves to know for many reasons -- not the least of which is that he might have well be victimized himself and also his own child(ren) may be at risk if they are in contact with the grandfather, which they presumably are.

 

The results of your father's abuse of you include the truth being known. If the truth hurts a relationship, that is NOT YOUR FAULT. The abuse wasn't. . . and the fall out isn't. . .

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: It seems that you are in a good place emotionally and handling these issues so well. . . and have such a kind heart. I am sorry you have to go through this. It seems to me that the truth will have to come out in order for you to continue this relationship with your brother in a real way.

 

Honestly. . . I think a good relationship with a loving sister might well be more valuable to your brother than whatever relationship he has with his/your father. You are clearly a better person. . . and heck, you'll live longer. (Sorry, that's snarky, but, well, it is true.)

 

:iagree:

 

:grouphug:

 

I'll pray for your decision. I'm sorry it has to be like this.

 

:grouphug:

[Pippen]

Gosh, as your brother's child is getting bigger, don't you have to let him in on your secret? Can you imagine if your father was still doing it?? And.... as the news has shown in our area lately... really old g-pas can still mess with... and more... kids.

...

 

:iagree: For the protection of any future children, I think it's important that he knows. I wouldn't leave the safety of your neices and nephews to "hope".

 

If you do decide to go, it should be with a support system in place (therapist, friends, etc). Don't go into this cold.

[keptwoman]

I would not go.

 

I would not lie.

 

I would invite your brother to bring his baby to you for a visit some other time and to buy his ticket (the baby can fly free!)

 

I would find a way to tell your brother the truth. He deserves to know for many reasons -- not the least of which is that he might have well be victimized himself and also his own child(ren) may be at risk if they are in contact with the grandfather, which they presumably are.

 

The results of your father's abuse of you include the truth being known. If the truth hurts a relationship, that is NOT YOUR FAULT. The abuse wasn't. . . and the fall out isn't. . .

Yes. I agree. I would not go, and I think your brother needs to know at some point, if he doesn't need the protection, his kids might.

[Chris in VA]

:grouphug:

I don't know if I would be strong enough to tell my sib about his father, but I sure as heck would want to give him the chance to protect his children.

 

My fil was a raging alcoholic for a long time. He abused my dh and his wife, and possibly the other kids--more psychological (my dh's first word was "bad") but also some physical. He got much better later, and became endearing to most of my dh's family. He died, and one of the kids (not his but his wife's next child with next hubby) just couldn't understand why no one really bonded to him. I'm not sure anyone really told her about his past.

Dh's step-father sexually abused two of his step-daughters. He's out of the picture now due to mental illness, divorce and the fact that he basically ran away.

 

IDK--abuse has so many ramifications.

 

I'm sorry your family is unable to deal, and that you had to give up your ideal of family.

[ConnieB]

No, I wouldn't go. I also wouldn't lie about why I wasn't attending. If an RSVP is required (our reunions are more of an announcement that we're all going to Grandpas the first week of June rather than an invite thing) I would simply decline "Sorry, we will not make the reunion this year, thank you for the invite". If it's like ours with just an announcement, just not showing up is the appropriate RSVP. If anyone calls to inquire further into why you aren't going a simple answer "because I don't wish to see Dad" should tell the inquirer all they need to know. "I don't wish to discuss it any further either, but thank you for the call....how about I mail you some bean dip" LOL

 

 

AND...since your brother won't be needing the airline ticket you offered to get to the reunion, I'd ask him to use it to come visit you for a week in a month or two. A reunion is hectic, chaotic, full of fun, but anything but the right place for a private discussion. And you and your brother deserve long private conversations to build your relationship. Even if you were going to the reunion, I'd suggest that you guys get together privately before, so that you can start the building process in private. And the things he needs to know aren't ones that you really want to discuss with 100 family members.

 

I hope that you and he are able to build a relationship despite your past. You deserve it.

[katemary63]

I really do understand what many of you are saying about my little brother knowing about the abuse so that he can protect his own children. I have struggled with that. There are mitigating circumstances. Many years ago, my father's abuse has was outted. He was confronted. Everyone in my immediate family discussed it - at MY insistence. He admitted everything and begged for forgiveness. I told his wife, who knew nothing before she married him. She did stay with him, but was so disgusted that it took her over a year to be intimate with him again. He has been to some counseling - very little, but some. He has personally told me, "You don't have to worry, I'm done with that. The Lord has changed me and I would never touch (little brother's name). I'm a good father to him." His wife has been a stay at home mom. He is 74 years old and never has the grandson alone as far as I can tell. My brother only has weekend visitation and doesn't go out when he has his son. By the time my brother is married with more kids, I just think our dad will be dead, but if he's not, I doubt he would ever be alone with the kids. His wife is always there.

So, knowing all this, do you still think that I should tell my little brother? I just can't imagine the devastation he would feel. It breaks my heart and I don't think I could do it. :confused:

ps. My dad has asked forgiveness, and claims to have accepted God and been changed. I do hope this is true. I don't feel vengeful towards him. I just know that however much he has changed, he is still not capable of having a normal relationship with me. I tried years ago to reconcile and it just didn't work. I won't be trying again, no matter how old he gets. (My siblings seem to gain pitty for him as he ages. I don't.)

pss. I am 46 1/2 years old. I have been over this for many years as far as it devastating my life or anything. I came to terms with all this in my 20's and I've lived a very happy, healthy life thanks to the healing power of Christ. However, I do agree that putting myself back into this dysfunction is a bad idea and a poor example to my kids. I just wanted you all to know that I am not emotionally weak about it. Those days are long past. But it is true that the thought of seeing him is an unpleasant one.

[NanceXToo]

I would not go.

 

You are not being a baby at all!

 

When I found out my father was dying of brain cancer and that he would like to see me before he died, I said yeah right, you were happy to live without me, go ahead and die without me. And all HE did was abandon my family when I was like 10 and decide to never be heard from for years and years. He didn't sexually abuse me or anything, how awful. I'd never put myself in the emotionally traumatic position of being around a person like that. Not for anyone's sake.

 

I also, like others said, would not lie about or for him. I would tell your brother exactly why you will not go, and then tell him I'd be happy to pay for or help pay for his ticket if he ever wanted to come visit me separately. I just read your most recent post, and all I can say is that I would never take the chance or make the assumption that your brother wll never leave his child alone with your father, or that your father has really changed.

 

Your brother will not be as hurt by hearing something like that about his father as he would be if he has to experience his father doing something like that to his children, right?

 

I'm sorry you went through this and that you are still dealing with the fallout from it. :(

[Mom0012]

Well, thanks, everybody! I don't know why, but sometimes doubts creap in and you wonder if you're doing the right thing. Am I a big baby? Shouldn't I be able to handle this? Etc! Anyway, I am not going. You all have made it clear that it would not be wise, and that's all I needed. I was almost there, just needed a push! Thanks!

 

I will be trying to plan a get together with my littel brother sometime soon. I hope it works out.

 

I have wondered if it is right to keep everything from him. But, our dad is 74. My brother loves him. I don't see why I can't continue avoiding the subject (it just never comes up in our conversation) until the old man passes and then we'll have the rest of our lives to get to know each other without him. I don't see the benefit of filling my brother with sadness over it. I guess I hope he never finds out and never has to deal with knowing this horrible thing about his dad.

 

I agree with not going to the reunion, but how is it that your brother knows nothing about this? Doesnt he suspect something if you haven't seen your dad in over 10 years?

 

Lisa

[katemary63]

I agree with not going to the reunion, but how is it that your brother knows nothing about this? Doesnt he suspect something if you haven't seen your dad in over 10 years?

 

Lisa

 

We've never lived in the same state. I'm thinking he must just think we can't afford it, just like his family can't afford to visit.

[keptwoman]

I just read your most recent post, and all I can say is that I would never take the chance or make the assumption that your brother wll never leave his child alone with your father, or that your father has really changed.

 

Your brother will not be as hurt by hearing something like that about his father as he would be if he has to experience his father doing something like that to his children, right?

I agree. And if your father ever starts to loose his faculties, the danger is higher. I'm sorry, I haven't been where you are, but I've been close enough that I know I'll be having that conversation with people I love at the point they need to know; and to me, with your brother having his own family, he needs to know, so that he can adequately protect them.

[4kiddies]

I haven't read all the responses and I'm sorry if this is insensitive but why are you keeping this secret from your younger brother? He has a young child who needs to be protected from your father so another generation of your family isn't victimized. I think you need to tell your brother so that this child is protected like you should have been protected.:grouphug:

ETA: I read the rest of the replies and understand your hesitation but please protect this child. Don't you wish someone had stopped him before he hurt you and your siblings?

Edited May 3, 2010 by 4kiddies

[JVA]

I agree with the previous posters- I wouldn't go. We skipped a Christmas event with family this past year for several reasons- but one was that the metally disturbed individual was running the reunion/event and my dh and I knew it would be fraught with all the typical enabling and denial, thus making it a very uncomfortable time. No need to ruin a long trip/holiday for that.

 

Your brother definitely needs to know. If you're uncomfortable telling him and since he is still legally a minor, you shouldn't be the one to tell him the truth. BUT, in your shoes, I would contact his mother and tell her that either she needs to inform her son or that I would when he comes to visit . They may think they're through THIS, but we all know that pedophiles don't change much and he's likely to offend again. That baby needs protection- even if he is only there periodically. What if the baby's mother/grandmother found out about your father? They would have perfect cause to renig on their custody/visitation arrangements to protect that little guy. I would wholeheartedly support them in that. Hidden past abuse is a smoldering fire just waiting to combust. I'm not optomistic about their ability to reform without God's intervention and maybe your father has - I just wouldn't want any part of a little one's tragic abuse.

 

Blessings on you. You have such an opportunity to bless this young brother of yours, give him your support and love and he will be the better for it. So, will his child. I'm glad they have you in their lives.

[PiCO]

I have wondered if it is right to keep everything from him. But, our dad is 74. My brother loves him. I don't see why I can't continue avoiding the subject (it just never comes up in our conversation) until the old man passes and then we'll have the rest of our lives to get to know each other without him. I don't see the benefit of filling my brother with sadness over it. I guess I hope he never finds out and never has to deal with knowing this horrible thing about his dad.

 

I think you can keep avoiding the subject. Your brother was not abused, was he? Seems like dad's new wife has kept things safe.

 

I wouldn't go to the reunion though. If your brother asks why you are not going now, just say you have been estranged from your father for quite some time, and you don't wish to bring everything back up now.

[G5052]

Adult behavior means doing the right thing. Playing "nice" when someone needs to be stopped is the wrong thing.

 

I'm almost completely estranged from my side of the family over my refusal to play "nice," but I have peace that I've protected people and done the right thing where it was within my power. I've never badgered or dwelled on it, but they know where I stand and that I'm not pretending that we're the happy, close family that they've pretended to be for years.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

and Nope.

[Impish]

I understand your reluctance to cause your brother pain...but at the same time, wouldn't finding out that you lied to him (by omission) hurt him too? As well as you making the decision for him about risking his child? That's how I'd feel if someone decided for me that a molester of children was now 'safe'.

 

Your father doesn't deserve to have you keep this secret. And your brother is a parent that deserves to know the risks his child may be facing.

 

I also agree that if the baby's mom knew about your father's crimes, it could cost lil brother in court.

[Scuff]

If I had the guts, I'd call up dad and lay it outb for him. He sucks, you're trying to be decent by not coming between him and his son, so he needs to be decent and not come to the reunion. If he won't stay home, you can't trust him to actually stay home, or you don't want to confront him, just stay home. It sucks, but why punish yourself. Also, while protecting your brother is admirable, he's not a minor anymore and has a baby. Is his baby a girl? (assuming your father only did this to his daughters) At some point he needs to know the truth so that he can protect his daughter (or future ones), no matter what it does to your relationship. :hugs:

[OnTheBrink]

There is no way I'd put myself in a situation where I'd have to lie to protect someone else's sins. And, if you go, and if you lie and pretend, that's exactly what you'd be doing.

 

Don't go. Make other arrangements to meet your brother some other time. And, I'd not continue hiding what your father did. Be prepared that the others won't believe you or will downplay it or even call you crazy, but you have to be honest and if you know that your father is a molester, your brother needs to know this.

 

:grouphug: