Stunned Disbelief, Fury

[Impish]

I.just.cannot.believe.this.

 

MIL is on the phone with Wolf. She went ahead and bought a plane ticket out here. June 7th to July 15th.

 

WE TOLD HER NO. We told her we can't host her. We said no. WE SAID NO.

 

I don't ****ing believe this.

[Starr]

:grouphug: I wondered if she would do that. I'm sorry!

[Sputterduck]

Take a vacation! At least for the 6th through the 9th or so!

[MeganW]

"Wow, we are so excited to see you! Where are you going to be staying? So you are coming in on the 7th? Let me look at my calendar - we'd love to have you for dinner on the 9th! And maybe the 14th as well. Does that work for you? I hate that we will be out of town the week of the 20th, but maybe we can get together some the following week as well? How's the 3rd for you?"

[DianeW88]

Wow!! Maybe your husband should ask her where she got her hotel reservations, since you were very clear about telling her that you cannot have her at your home. Be firm and just keep repeating that. If you were planning to be out of town at that time...go. If you weren't......:D.

 

Diane

 

married 22 years

homeschooling for 16 years to 3 great kiddos

[plain jane]

:grouphug: Oh, Imp, I'm so sorry. I know this is causing you a great deal of stress. :grouphug:

[jld]

Simple. You don't open the door, and you put up a sign in your window that says that if she does not leave within five minutes, you will call the police. And then you do it.

 

Some people just cannot hear no.

[Mergath]

Oh, goodness. What a nutcase.

 

At this point, I think I'd just be completely blunt and say, "You're a toxic person, and we don't like having you around because all you do is start trouble." Or just tell her that you're delighted she's coming, because that'll give you the opportunity to take her in for the week-long psychiatric evaluation you've been wanting to schedule for her.

[catalinakel]

"Wow, we are so excited to see you! Where are you going to be staying? So you are coming in on the 7th? Let me look at my calendar - we'd love to have you for dinner on the 9th! And maybe the 14th as well. Does that work for you? I hate that we will be out of town the week of the 20th, but maybe we can get together some the following week as well? How's the 3rd for you?"

 

:iagree:

[KidsHappen]

OMG! I cannot believe that. Keep repeating that you can not stay here and then stand firm. She will either go home or find another place to stay. I am so sorry you are going through this honey. :grouphug:

[Impish]

I'm shaking I'm so angry.

 

Apparently, she expects Wolf to pick her up on the 7th, stay here overnight, then have him drive her (2 hr round trip, easy) to stay with someone else...for who knows how long.

 

The cousin isn't leaving til the end of June, so apparently MIL assumes she's welcome til then. Why they'd want her underfoot til the last moment escapes my brain...and probably wouldn't even dawn on her to wonder. I asked Wolf where she expects to stay until July 15th then? Poor man is in shock himself and didn't have an answer.

 

I warned him to pray I don't answer the phone tomorrow. She told me about buying her ticket and the dates then asked, "And what do you think of that?" I almost told her. Instead, out of respect for my husband, I handed him the phone. Tomorrow I may not be so controlled.

 

God bless SpecialMama. She's coming to get me for coffee, so I can rant my head off where my poor dh doesn't have to listen! :lol:

[Impish]

And just to add insult to injury...we realized that since telling her no she LENGTHENED her stay. I kid you not. Is here freaking LONGER than normal.

[elise1mds]

I'm so sorry. That is beyond horrid. Some people just never, ever get it, and even if they do, they just don't think you're serious enough to enforce it. I'm also one who thinks you shouldn't even let her on your property. One of my BILs and his wife are not allowed back in my house again unless there's an Act of God that causes it. I hope you're able to find a solution :(

[Mergath]

Oh, lordie. June 7th to JULY 15th. I was thinking it was just a week when I first read the post.

 

You have my deepest, deepest sympathy. :grouphug:

[EthiopianFood]

Don't let her in. Set up dates and meet her outside the home. Who cares if she's coming? You aren't required to do a dang thing about it. This isn't your problem unless you make it your problem.

 

Now, I can say this because it's not me. ;) But it's still true, no matter how difficult for many of us to follow through on. :grouphug: Act, don't react, and all that jazz.

[Aubrey]

Can you just block her # & go on w/ life?

 

:grouphug:

 

Too bad it's Wolf's mother. Because if it was random-person-on-the-street, you could have some fun w/ this. ;)

 

Sometimes I think people are so crazy that it flips around from being infuriating to being funny. If someone called & asked me for $1M, I'd just laugh, ya know?

 

Ooooh, can you make reservations for her in a Monopoly house? (Set it on the front porch in case she shows up.) Mail her a Matchbox car for her trip from the airport?

 

Sorry. My people are the passive-aggressive type. :001_huh:

 

But seriously, I'd hide from her like I hide from trick-or-treaters. No candy here, no spare beds, no spare change. Go away, & leave smashed pumpkin on the front porch if necessary. (Not really. I hide under the bed because I'm afraid they'll be mad at me.) :lol:

[Liz CA]

"Wow, we are so excited to see you! Where are you going to be staying? So you are coming in on the 7th? Let me look at my calendar - we'd love to have you for dinner on the 9th! And maybe the 14th as well. Does that work for you? I hate that we will be out of town the week of the 20th, but maybe we can get together some the following week as well? How's the 3rd for you?"

 

Exactly! Ask her at what hotel she will be staying. You would probably like to bring the kids by since she definitely would want to see them even though they are that age when it gets pretty loud..." ;)..."but you don't mind if they get a little rambunctious, do you????"

 

The above references a remark from your prior post about this issue.

[EthiopianFood]

Ooooh, can you make reservations for her in a Monopoly house? (Set it on the front porch in case she shows up.) Mail her a Matchbox car for her trip from the airport?

 

Sorry. My people are the passive-aggressive type. :001_huh:

 

Ya think? :smilielol5:

 

(Not really. I hide under the bed because I'm afraid they'll be mad at me.) :lol:

 

What, then throw raisins at them as they leave? :001_huh: :tongue_smilie:

[Corraleno]

I'm shaking I'm so angry.

 

Apparently, she expects Wolf to pick her up on the 7th, stay here overnight, then have him drive her (2 hr round trip, easy) to stay with someone else...for who knows how long.

I would tell her that since you made it absolutely clear that she CANNOT and WILL NOT be staying at your house, she needs to arrange for the person with whom she IS staying (cousin?) to pick her up at the airport. Or she can arrange a shuttle or taxi to that person's house, but that Wolf will NOT be at the airport to pick her up. And then stick to it. If she won't listen, then stop answering the phone.

 

Honestly, there's absolutely no reason you should have to put up with this. She was never a mother to Wolf, so she does not deserve the respect and honor that a mother deserves. I'm sure she is insanely jealous of you, and the fact that Wolf loves you, and your children love you, in a way no one has ever loved her. She does not deserve access to your family after the abusive way she has treated you, your husband, and your daughter, and I think the sooner you cut all ties to this toxic lunatic, the happier you all will be.

 

Jackie

[dansamy]

I would tell her that since you made it absolutely clear that she CANNOT and WILL NOT be staying at your house, she needs to arrange for the person with whom she IS staying (cousin?) to pick her up at the airport. Or she can arrange a shuttle or taxi to that person's house, but that Wolf will NOT be at the airport to pick her up. And then stick to it. If she won't listen, then stop answering the phone.

 

Honestly, there's absolutely no reason you should have to put up with this. She was never a mother to Wolf, so she does not deserve the respect and honor that a mother deserves. I'm sure she is insanely jealous of you, and the fact that Wolf loves you, and your children love you, in a way no one has ever loved her. She does not deserve access to your family after the abusive way she has treated you, your husband, and your daughter, and I think the sooner you cut all ties to this toxic lunatic, the happier you all will be.

 

Jackie

 

:iagree: I do not know the back story regarding this individual, but my MIL is certifiable. I have taken to informing her that she may call my DH's phone # but not to call my home or cell. I have told her (repeatedly) that DH is a grown man and while I will relay her message for her, I will not be held responsible for making sure he calls his mother. He would call you if he wanted to speak with you.

 

Stick to your guns. Your DH is not going to pick her up at the airport. She is not staying the night with you. You will be helpful and provide her with the phone numbers for the local taxi companies and a hotel convenient to the airport. That's all.

 

If she takes a cab and chooses to show up on your doorstep, call the police.

[nrg]

You will be out of town on that night. Go somewhere so you are not home in case she takes a taxi from the airport to your house. Tell her you will not be home and then go. Stay away an extra night if you can. Then don't answer the phone. Be sure that your original words are honored so there is no precedent.

 

Do whatever it takes for her to experience that you meant what you said. No need to apologize. It's her choice to ignore you after all. Go about life as if she had listened. Stop stewing and letting her mess with you, you can be in charge of this.

 

So much easier said than done...

[tex-mex]

:grouphug: Oh, Imp, I'm so sorry. I know this is causing you a great deal of stress. :grouphug:

:iagree: :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Tap]

Please read this post with gentle ears. You may not like what it says but I am speaking from my own experiences with my mother and my Mil.

 

Okay, you and Wolf need to learn the art of speaking through message machines or voicemail.

 

So, have Wolf call at a time when she is going to be gone. If he can't say no to her, and mean it, then leave a message so she can't interject! "Sorry, mom I guess I won't be able to pick you up from the airport. I have another commitment that interferes. Here is the phone number to the rental car company that is at the airport to make it easier on you. We won't be able to host you that night because the house is so full and you said last time it was too noisy for you. I hope to catch you when you come through town to leave, call me and we can meet for lunch. Our house is really full and loud right now so I don't think the added stress is good for any of us, and it just isn't going to be restful for you to stay here. Here is the number for a hotel by the airport that has a shuttle service. I hope you have a great visit while your here with cousin, Talk to you later"

 

 

I know you have said in the past that she doesn't hear you when you talk to her, but honestly I think part of the problem is that you guys let her get away with it. You tell her that it won't work, she just shows up, and you accommodate her. You try to keep the kids quieter, you try to make her as happy as possible, and it drives you nuts. But she probably doesn't realize that you are going to such a level of work when she is here. You are polite and say it is great when she visits. That is what she hears. She doesn't see that you are lying to her. So, if you want to talk to her less and see her less, then you need to make that happen. You have said before that she will call and call and call. Then pick up, be polite but curt and say, "I don't have time to talk now, bye." You are the one in control of you and yours. But if you want to stop her taking advantage of you, you have to change the way you deal with her. You and Wolf need to be more honest with her, and stick to it! If she shows up, and doesn't have arrangements made, don't pick her up! Don't bring her home! Don't send her mixed messages and accommodate her whims.

 

I have an issue with my mother always telling me she is going to do things and never following through. I used to get suckered in, but after I turned 30 or so, I realized that I was allowing her to promise me things, but never held her to it. I also never called her out on it. I just took it. It was when she did it to my kids, that I finally said 'no, more'. It was hard to do, but I gathered my irritation and told her to stop. I told her to not tell my kids she was going to do something. I told her to let me know so I could put it on the schedule, and when it came time to go, and all the plans were finalized, she could surprise them. I was honest about my reasons. I am sure I hurt her feelings, but she was hurting my kids just as she had hurt me for years. I finally stood up to her. She has never, in the past 8 years followed through. But, now she doesn't tell them as many promises. And they are not expecting something that never comes through.

 

If Wolf doesn't want to pick her up, then tell her you won't be there, and don't do it. But if he says he will do it, then he has a responsibility to do it, pleasantly and to appreciate the time he has with her. If you don't want to hear her be snotty on the phone, tell her. Yes, you will upset her, but you are upset now, and you aren't doing anything about it. If you choose to not address it, then I don't think it is fair to resent her the way you do.

 

DH's mom and I do.not. get along. Never have, never will. She knows, I know, we have had several fights. I don't answer the phone when she calls unless dh is here. And then it is "oh, Hi, I'll get dh for you, it will be just a second as I find him", I do not engage in conversation. I take the phone away from my ear so she can't try to chit chat and when I get the phone to dh, I say "here is dh, hope everything is good for you, bye!". I do.not. visit her on her terms. If I visit her it is in a restaurant, and I have my car. IF she gets snotty with me in a restaurant, I would get up and leave.period. I don't go to her house. She is not invited to mine. (We live 4hrs apart) If she knocked on my door, I wouldn't answer (that is what peep holes are for). If she showed up and she knew I was home, I would immediately tell her we are on our way out, load myself and kids in the car, and leave. She already hates me, so I don't care if she hates me more! Dh has had soooo many fights with her over the past 20 years we have been together. He has gotten to the point that he no longer sees her as the mother that was horrid to him as a child. He now sees her for who she is as an adult and recognized that she is a grandmother to our kids. We don't hide our relationship with her from them, they know our issues. But, we allow them to form their own relationships with her. We warn them of her habits so they aren't fooled. They actually have an okay relationship and I am happy about that.

 

I think you are going down the same road over and over with her. Each time it is a terrible experience for all of you. Each time there is a horrible cliff at the end of the road. You know it is coming, Wolf knows it is coming, she probably knows it too. It is obvious she isn't going to change it, so it is up to you guys. Either change your expectations of her, or stop putting yourselves in this position in the first place.

[nd293]

Even though we were on good terms with her, we simply said no to my mother-in-law coming for a 2 week visit when we were living (as a couple) in a 1 bedroom apartment. We welcomed her for a 5 day visit instead. And we made it clear she could not smoke while with us.

 

Some things have to be said, even though they are tough to say.

[JFSinIL]

You will be out of town on that night. Go somewhere so you are not home in case she takes a taxi from the airport to your house. Tell her you will not be home and then go. Stay away an extra night if you can. Then don't answer the phone. Be sure that your original words are honored so there is no precedent.

 

Do whatever it takes for her to experience that you meant what you said. No need to apologize. It's her choice to ignore you after all. Go about life as if she had listened. Stop stewing and letting her mess with you, you can be in charge of this.

 

So much easier said than done...

 

I agree!!! And - give that other person she plans to impose on a heads up, if possible, so they know they might be hearing from a frantic, pissed woman demanding to be picked up at the airport.

 

- Oh, and you can also send a LETTER (registered mail to be sure she gets it) repeating what Tap wrote above. If MIl gets in in writing AND a phone message she can't claim ignorance, right? (heck, I'd send a telegram, too!)

[Lizzie in Ma]

"Wow, we are so excited to see you! Where are you going to be staying? So you are coming in on the 7th? Let me look at my calendar - we'd love to have you for dinner on the 9th! And maybe the 14th as well. Does that work for you? I hate that we will be out of town the week of the 20th, but maybe we can get together some the following week as well? How's the 3rd for you?"

 

:iagree:

 

So sorry Imp, that s*cks. :grouphug:

[RoughCollie]

WE TOLD HER NO. We told her we can't host her. We said no. WE SAID NO.

 

It will be uncomfortable to have to do so, but if I were you all, I would not let MIL get away with any aspect of this.

 

You told her no. She made her own bed by herself. Let her lie in it alone. The problems she will have as a result of her complete disrespect to you and your spouse are of her own making.

 

She expects you to go along with what she does. If you let her get away with it, she will do it again.

 

In my book, she is a bully. Never let a bullies win or they will run all over you.

[Moxie]

I'm surprised that you are surprised because I don't think anyone on here is. I agree with the others that you need to be gone that week or at least keep the doors locked. She treats you like dirt when you try to be nice to her. Really, how much worse could it be? You need this woman out of your life.

[Impish]

I would tell her that since you made it absolutely clear that she CANNOT and WILL NOT be staying at your house, she needs to arrange for the person with whom she IS staying (cousin?) to pick her up at the airport. Or she can arrange a shuttle or taxi to that person's house, but that Wolf will NOT be at the airport to pick her up. And then stick to it. If she won't listen, then stop answering the phone.

 

Honestly, there's absolutely no reason you should have to put up with this. She was never a mother to Wolf, so she does not deserve the respect and honor that a mother deserves. I'm sure she is insanely jealous of you, and the fact that Wolf loves you, and your children love you, in a way no one has ever loved her. She does not deserve access to your family after the abusive way she has treated you, your husband, and your daughter, and I think the sooner you cut all ties to this toxic lunatic, the happier you all will be.

 

Jackie

I know. Believe me, I know.

Please read this post with gentle ears. You may not like what it says but I am speaking from my own experiences with my mother and my Mil.

 

Okay, you and Wolf need to learn the art of speaking through message machines or voicemail.

 

So, have Wolf call at a time when she is going to be gone. If he can't say no to her, and mean it, then leave a message so she can't interject! "Sorry, mom I guess I won't be able to pick you up from the airport. I have another commitment that interferes. Here is the phone number to the rental car company that is at the airport to make it easier on you. We won't be able to host you that night because the house is so full and you said last time it was too noisy for you. I hope to catch you when you come through town to leave, call me and we can meet for lunch. Our house is really full and loud right now so I don't think the added stress is good for any of us, and it just isn't going to be restful for you to stay here. Here is the number for a hotel by the airport that has a shuttle service. I hope you have a great visit while your here with cousin, Talk to you later"

 

 

I know you have said in the past that she doesn't hear you when you talk to her, but honestly I think part of the problem is that you guys let her get away with it. You tell her that it won't work, she just shows up, and you accommodate her. You try to keep the kids quieter, you try to make her as happy as possible, and it drives you nuts. But she probably doesn't realize that you are going to such a level of work when she is here. You are polite and say it is great when she visits. That is what she hears. She doesn't see that you are lying to her. So, if you want to talk to her less and see her less, then you need to make that happen. You have said before that she will call and call and call. Then pick up, be polite but curt and say, "I don't have time to talk now, bye." You are the one in control of you and yours. But if you want to stop her taking advantage of you, you have to change the way you deal with her. You and Wolf need to be more honest with her, and stick to it! If she shows up, and doesn't have arrangements made, don't pick her up! Don't bring her home! Don't send her mixed messages and accommodate her whims.

 

I have an issue with my mother always telling me she is going to do things and never following through. I used to get suckered in, but after I turned 30 or so, I realized that I was allowing her to promise me things, but never held her to it. I also never called her out on it. I just took it. It was when she did it to my kids, that I finally said 'no, more'. It was hard to do, but I gathered my irritation and told her to stop. I told her to not tell my kids she was going to do something. I told her to let me know so I could put it on the schedule, and when it came time to go, and all the plans were finalized, she could surprise them. I was honest about my reasons. I am sure I hurt her feelings, but she was hurting my kids just as she had hurt me for years. I finally stood up to her. She has never, in the past 8 years followed through. But, now she doesn't tell them as many promises. And they are not expecting something that never comes through.

 

If Wolf doesn't want to pick her up, then tell her you won't be there, and don't do it. But if he says he will do it, then he has a responsibility to do it, pleasantly and to appreciate the time he has with her. If you don't want to hear her be snotty on the phone, tell her. Yes, you will upset her, but you are upset now, and you aren't doing anything about it. If you choose to not address it, then I don't think it is fair to resent her the way you do.

 

I think you are going down the same road over and over with her. Each time it is a terrible experience for all of you. Each time there is a horrible cliff at the end of the road. You know it is coming, Wolf knows it is coming, she probably knows it too. It is obvious she isn't going to change it, so it is up to you guys. Either change your expectations of her, or stop putting yourselves in this position in the first place.

First thing to clear up. Miscommunication btwn Wolf and I. He's not picking her up from the airport. She expects him to pick her up on Sunday, stay the night, and take her back Monday night. Looking at the calendar, I wonder if I got the dates wrong...the loud buzzing in my ears of fury would have done that, lol. I wonder if she's staying from the 5th of June til the 17th of July. The 5th is a Friday, which would explain her wanting him to pick her up on the Sunday.

 

She is being told she is not welcome to spend any Sunday night over, since we have provincial testing to do, and our homeschooling doesn't end until the end of June. Having her in the house would completely disrupt our schooling, and therefore isn't doable. She won't like that, but as a former school teacher, may respect it. And, as little as it is, taking control of when she's here makes ME feel a bit better.

 

I'm still angry. I'm walking a fine line. Part of me is angry with my husband. He's gone into resignation mode, "At least she's not staying here the entire time..." I wish he'd stick to his guns. I think he's in shock that he told her no so clearly and it was completely disrespected.

 

That's what ticks me off most. That she completely, totally, and utterly disrespects my husband.

 

As I said to SpecialMama last night, I've no doubt that part of her reasoning is that IF we are able to start looking at purchasing a home, she wants in on it, to give her opinion, etc. There's no WAY thats happening. IF we get into the position of buying a home, it'll be a quick call on our way out of town, "Sorry we can't see you this wknd, we're on our way out of town." followed by a hurried 'click'. She's not coming along. First, buying a home is btwn Wolf and I, nobody else (well, ok there's the bankers, the lawyers, the agents, the vendor, but you know what I mean!) We neither want nor need anyone's opinion on what we buy.

 

When push comes to shove, I have to support my husband. Its not fair to him to be caught btwn a psychotic mother AND a b**chy wife.

 

But, that doesn't mean that I won't stuff the kids full of sugar right up until she shows up. :lol:

 

And I will be letting her know how displeased I am with her. Not in the language I was frothing at the mouth with last night though. But it will be known. Wolf's fine with that, lol.

 

Wolf is programmed with the way she operates. Tell her no, she ignores you. Tell her no again, and she throws the mother of all hissy fits, up to and including extended family. Then he gets deluged with calls about how horrid he is to his poor elderly mother. He's learned its easier to abide then to fight.

 

And that is EXACTLY how she got to be over 80 yrs old and still be able to TELL people that she's coming to stay, ignoring anything they have to say about it. Its just T, family members say. She's always been this way. The whole family is trained to put up with it rather than provoke her.

 

I'm tilting at windmills it seems. Demanding that she treat my husband and family with respect is fighting decades of her being able to do what ever she wants, just costing a few fits along the way. And they're soooooo bad, nobody wants to provoke them again. I know, I've provoked a few. Right up to and including weeping, wailing, screaming, and claiming an asthma attack.

 

*sigh*

[BridgeTea]

:grouphug:

[NCMom]

What you are describing sounds a lot like a person w/BPD (borderline personality disorder-my mother is a textbook case). In the BPD world what you guys are letting happen is called being "hoovered". lol In other words, you got sucked in. Even if she doesn't get to stay at your house she is still getting what she wants - i.e. you guys are upset and focused on her...

 

You have to realize that if this person is BPD or NPD (I think you mentioned you thought this might be it??) then there is no YOU. Everything is HER. You CAN.NOT.CHANGE. her behavior. To get any relief, you MUST change yours.

 

The only way to co-exist with a BPD/NPD is to never, ever play the game. NEVER, EVER engage. Interventions do not work. Discussion does not work. Logic does not work. Imho, at this level it looks like going nc (no contact) is the only answer.

 

I am a little luckier, my mother (though there is another term many children of BPDs use, lol) who is high functioning, is in such ill health now that we are able to simply avoid much of the drama by reinforcing boundaries through simply never engaging and swiftly leaving the area... :glare:

 

I wish we had realized earlier in our marriage that she is mentally ill and acted accordingly. I wish I didn't have all those memories of the icky, stupid drama. Think long term and big picture. I wish my dh and I had.

 

:grouphug:

 

Georgia

[ereks mom]

Oops!

Edited April 12, 2010 by ereks mom
Double post -- some kind of glitch

[ereks mom]

You will be out of town on that night. Go somewhere so you are not home in case she takes a taxi from the airport to your house. Tell her you will not be home and then go. Stay away an extra night if you can. Then don't answer the phone. Be sure that your original words are honored so there is no precedent.

 

Do whatever it takes for her to experience that you meant what you said. No need to apologize. It's her choice to ignore you after all. Go about life as if she had listened. Stop stewing and letting her mess with you, you can be in charge of this.

 

So much easier said than done...

 

:iagree:

[SproutMamaK]

Try to think of what advice you would give your kids if one of THEM were facing a bully - and one that they were related to. Say an older cousin maybe. "Brute said I HAVE to give him my milk money. I told him no, but then he told me he was going to find me on the playground anyway, and that if I didn't he'd tell my Mom lies about me to get me in trouble, and make my favorite cousins hate me, and that he'd scream and pretend I hurt him unless I do what he tells me to do. I think I'm just going to give him the money."

 

I don't mean for this to sound harsh, but you have an excellent opportunity here to stand up for yourself, to show your children how to stand up for yourself, and to support your husband in something that it seems he's not strong enough to do on his own. Realistically - everyone in the family knows what your MIL is like. You'll probably get a few phone calls from some flying monkeys, but I'm sure that if you set them straight on what really happened (since she's sure to twist it a little) will bring them right back around. And if it doesn't - is it really worth giving up your power in your home, and watching your husband give up his own authority to appease his Mom? She's bullying you guys. I know your husband probably grew up with these sort of bully-ish manipulation tactics, so he's "programmed" to let her have her way. But he doesn't want to anymore. He wants to stand up to her, and it sounds like all he needs to get through it is YOU, helping reinforce his spine a little bit. ;) The more you give in to her, the harder it'll be to stand up for yourselves later (and if she's getting worse, at some point you'll probably NEED to stand up for yourselves).

 

Again, I don't mean to sound harsh. I haven't been around long, so I don't know too much about your situation. But I do know from your posts that you're generally a really strong woman, and I hate to see you giving up your power to a bully. I think your husband will be both willing and capable of standing up to her if you stand strong beside him. This may be coloured from my experiences with my husband, but I think when he starts to give in and cave, what your husband really needs isn't for you to say, "If you want to give in honey, I'll do that for you." He needs to hear, "You can do this. You can stick up for your family. You're a good husband, a strong man, and you can stand up against this pressure and do what's right. I'm right here with you."

 

As a brief aside, you said something about that you hate to put Wolf in a position where he feels in the middle of your guys and his mother. You are NOT doing that, not in any way. He's chosen where he wants to be - with your family, firmly at your side. Mis mother is grabbing him and trying to force him back into the middle, and he's being pulled along. YOU are not putting him in the middle - his MOTHER is trying to drag him there, kicking and screaming. Don't feel guilty for doing what you need to do to bring him back to where he belongs (and wants to be), with his wife and children.

 

Sorry if that was rambly - let's just say I have some experience with screwed up family dynamics, and after what it put my family through.... I get a little, er, invested. ;) The sooner you deal with this, the better. The more often you let her get her way by pushing, demanding, and bullying, the less likely she will EVER take no for answer. Do it now, because the more often you give in to her demands, the more pressure she's going to put on the next time you say no. All you'll be doing is teaching her that the next time you say no, she just needs to push back even harder, because you'll give up eventually.

[AuntieM]

Sorry, Imp. I must admit I am also not surprised, this is an annual event for you.

 

Your husband has got to be the one to say no to his mom. She seems to enjoy the knowledge that she is able to cause division between you. I know you want to be pleasing to your husband, but he must know clearly that in choosing to be resigned to meeting his mother's demands, he is doing so at a great cost to the marriage relationship.

 

I think you need to schedule a weekend away June 5-7. No taxi service for Mil, let her know she'll need to hire a professional. For the duration of her time in town, do not let her set foot in your house. Make a plan and a pact with Wolf that you will learn Tap's art of answering machine use and will only call Mil when you want to take the kids over to see her. Learn how to screen calls AND turn off your ringer. If she shows up at your door, do not admit her. Get a chair for the front porch.

 

It is a hairy situation. I know you want to honor her in a Biblical sense. I know you want to honor your husband. But this goes much deeper than that. You have a God given roll as wife and mother to protect your own marriage and your own children. I think about the toll all this takes on your already stressed health. Whichever course you choose - to abide or deter - will be difficult. But if you can deter her this year, you may just change the course of the next few years. Perhaps you're thinking she's already 80, how much longer can this last? It could be another decade. How much longer are you willing to engage in this annual conflict?

Edited April 12, 2010 by AuntieM

[Impish]

*snip* Perhaps you're thinking she's already 80, how much longer can this last? It could be another decade. How much longer are you willing to engage in this annual conflict?

That's exactly what Wolf is thinking. She's in her 80s. She probably won't be around much longer. She's been like this her whole life, what are the chances she'll change now? And what about being mean to an old woman? What if she's going the same way as her sister, and has dementia? What exactly are our responsibilities in all this? Are we teaching our children that older people are disposable?

 

Plus, she taught him all his life that he OWES her for adopting her. If you take a 2 year old, teach them that flying purple monkeys are going to come and rule the world, constantly reinforcing that, the adult child will *know* better mentally, but the child inside will still be scanning the skies at night.

 

For me, I think my biggest fear is, if he 'rolls over' on this issue, what happens when she makes good on her threat to move in with us? Will he stick to his 'no' then? Or will I end up with her in my house? He says he can't handle the thought of ever living with her again, that there's no way...but...If she just shows up, is he really going to call the police? Or just let it go?

 

I'm very afraid of that answer...and that the answer would end our marriage.

[WTMCassandra]

I totally agree, Kathryn. (((Impish)))

[Denisemomof4]

God bless SpecialMama. She's coming to get me for coffee, so I can rant my head off where my poor dh doesn't have to listen! :lol:

 

You're so lucky to have SpecialMama!!! I don't know what I'd do without my dearest friends!!! Where I have no more family left that I'm close to, I don't know what I'd do without my friends!!!

[Denisemomof4]

And just to add insult to injury...we realized that since telling her no she LENGTHENED her stay. I kid you not. Is here freaking LONGER than normal.

 

ok, now it's taken to another level.

 

If it were me, I'd sit down with dh and tell him that I will fully support his visiting his mother at another location, but that I don't want her in the home where she has something negative to say about everyONE and everyTHING in the place. I'd tell him to feel free to bring the kiddos with him to visit her, but that she's not welcome in your home. If he took issue with this, I'd please him, negotiate, but I would NOT put up with the BS from mil.

 

If he doesn't want to see her (and I don't know why she's so intrusive, it's not like she was a great mom and had a great relationship with Wolf) then I'd simply tell her to enjoy her stay but that you won't be hosting her in your home. You could meet her on such-and-such date.

 

If Wolf doesn't want to drive her to her other location, he shouldn't. To cave into her is to enable her.

 

This was life changing for me:

 

http://www.booksforchristian.com/ChristianBooks/H/HenryCloud-JohnTownsend/Boundaries/Boundaries.htm

[Denisemomof4]

Don't let her in. Set up dates and meet her outside the home. Who cares if she's coming? You aren't required to do a dang thing about it. This isn't your problem unless you make it your problem.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

[treestarfae]

Can you get her a nice hotel room if there is so much friction?

[Denisemomof4]

That's exactly what Wolf is thinking. She's in her 80s. She probably won't be around much longer. She's been like this her whole life, what are the chances she'll change now? And what about being mean to an old woman? What if she's going the same way as her sister, and has dementia? What exactly are our responsibilities in all this? Are we teaching our children that older people are disposable?

 

Plus, she taught him all his life that he OWES her for adopting her. If you take a 2 year old, teach them that flying purple monkeys are going to come and rule the world, constantly reinforcing that, the adult child will *know* better mentally, but the child inside will still be scanning the skies at night.

 

For me, I think my biggest fear is, if he 'rolls over' on this issue, what happens when she makes good on her threat to move in with us? Will he stick to his 'no' then? Or will I end up with her in my house? He says he can't handle the thought of ever living with her again, that there's no way...but...If she just shows up, is he really going to call the police? Or just let it go?

 

I'm very afraid of that answer...and that the answer would end our marriage.

 

HE owes HER because she adopted him? It appears she adopted him for her own selfish reasons. Maybe it was so that someone would care for her in her old age. She didn't adopt him because she wanted a child to love. Wolf was her unfortunate victim. Thank God he's got a great wife!

 

Your MIL could last another 10+ years. You need to do what is right for Wolf, you, AND your family, NOT what is right for her. She has serious issues so you can't allow her to dictate the relationship of all of you.

 

My husband was raised and it was mentally programmed into him by his widowed mother and his two sisters that his mother was HIS responsibility. HE, single handedly, was to take care of her in her old age. I tried for 17 years to befriend her and we invited her to the house on every holiday. We visited her and bought her gifts. When we brought my YOUNG mother home to live with us in her final months, we kept it from mil because she was then in a nursing home. Dh absolutely KNEW that his mother living in our home would completely destroy ALL of us. It would NEVER work.

 

Wolf knows that it will never work with his mother living in your home. I think it would be good for you to discuss this to have a plan of action. It needs to happen, she's getting older. Can you imagine her getting MORE difficult because of dementia? Remember - I went through this myself. If your mil came into your home, the responsibility would be on YOU, not Wolf. He has a job, he's not home all the time to dissuade his mother from her tirades or ill treatment. You ALL honestly know that her living in the house is not an option that you all can survive intact.

 

I think you really do need to discuss this w/Wolf. You need to discuss what will happen with her now that she's older. We went through this ourself. MIL is in a nursing home 10 minutes away. I overlooked and took the high road for 19 years, 17 of it married. I had her over for weekends, cooked her meals, took her to renew her license, visited her. Dh was her personal slave. The day she told me it would be ok for my husband to have a girlfriend because of all the money he spends on my animals was the day I cut her out of my life. I tried to be the peacemaker, tried to be kind, etc. I visited her a few more times, bought her gifts (she complained about every single one and returned the beautiful silk quilt I had made for her in China) But she's a bitter, nasty old lady and I won't be her target anymore. She's going to die lonely, but that's because she's driven EVERYONE away. Her family doesn't talk to her much. Who wants to be around someone who's so nasty? Dh takes care of her. He runs her estate. He buys her wine and groceries for her personal use at the nursing home. He manages her health care. He visits her in the nursing home. He visits her in the hospital. He's a good son and she's been a TERRIBLE mother. Only once in our 23 years together has she called him to wish him a happy birthday, and that ONE time was because she was afraid for herself because we were trying to move away. We can KIND of relate to your story because there are so many similarities. Dh wasn't adopted, that's pretty much the only difference. But I'm telling you, unless you take control of the situation (you, meaning you and Wolf), your misery will go on endlessly.

:grouphug:

[coffeefreak]

:grouphug:

 

Don't let her get away with this. You and Wolf have your own family. "Leave and Cleave" is the motto we live by. You have enough to deal with. I'm so sorry she's doing this to you. BTW, I think you're a fabulous wife to put up with all this. My mother is the psycho grandma here, and I can't tell you how thankful I am my dh was so patient in the first 10 years. It's so hard to establish boundaries with a parent that is manipulative and has been since childhood. 3 years ago, I said enough and stood up to her. Things have been rough to say the least, but, like a pp said, she was never going to change anyway. All this to say, I'm so thankful for my dh's patience, and I'm sure Wolf is thankful for yours.

 

Blessings!

Dorinda

[Scuff]

You told her no and now's the test. Did you mean no or not? If you do what she's planned she will know that she can do as she pleases and what you say doesn't matter. If you stick to your no and she's stuck at the sirport finding her own taxi and hotel, she might eventually stop wasting her time and money. Whether you mean what you say is on the line here. She knows she can walk on you, so she does and will continue to. Take control of the situation. You can't control her, but you can control what you two do.

[Liz CA]

:grouphug:

 

Impish, the woman has learned to control and manipulate everyone around her.

I see a few choices:

 

1. Let her get away with it. She won't live forever. I would draw the line at moving in with you, though!

 

2. Sit together with dh and formulate a plan of what is the course of action if...

Since you all know her so well, you can expect this kind of behavior and the fake asthma attacks and what not. If you want to learn to stand up to her together as a couple, you will have to witness a few fake attacks and hissy fits.

Can you BOTH handle it? If so, it would go a long way for your respect in your marriage and feeling that you have asserted yourself. Remember "asserting" oneself does not mean you are stepping all over someone. You are merely drawing a boundary and letting her not cross it.

 

3. Flee town like someone suggested. She may be mad as a hornet but you won't have to witness anything right away, though the accusing phone calls will likely follow.

[Sara R]

That's exactly what Wolf is thinking. She's in her 80s. She probably won't be around much longer. She's been like this her whole life, what are the chances she'll change now? And what about being mean to an old woman? What if she's going the same way as her sister, and has dementia? What exactly are our responsibilities in all this? Are we teaching our children that older people are disposable?

 

Plus, she taught him all his life that he OWES her for adopting her. If you take a 2 year old, teach them that flying purple monkeys are going to come and rule the world, constantly reinforcing that, the adult child will *know* better mentally, but the child inside will still be scanning the skies at night.

 

For me, I think my biggest fear is, if he 'rolls over' on this issue, what happens when she makes good on her threat to move in with us? Will he stick to his 'no' then? Or will I end up with her in my house? He says he can't handle the thought of ever living with her again, that there's no way...but...If she just shows up, is he really going to call the police? Or just let it go?

 

I'm very afraid of that answer...and that the answer would end our marriage.

 

 

Hi Impish--

 

We're dealing with similar issues with inlaws. I found a forum about dealing with elderly relatives with narcissistic personality disorder. The site has been very enlightening. Start reading up now to get an idea of what issues are involved if dh decides to take her into your home. Especially learn about the danger of false elder abuse charges. If she is willing to lie to get her way, and she falsely tells a doctor that you as her caregiver have abused her, you are open to charges, time in court, lawyers fees, and jail time if you don't defend yourselves successfully. Read that board to learn about what issues those poor people on that board are dealing with, and start talking to your husband about it so he can start chewing on those ideas.

 

Any of us could die at any time, not just your MIL. As I recall your health isn't that great either. "They could die" just isn't a good reason to roll over. With people like your MIL you have to determine what you can reasonably do, communicate those limits, and stick to them come what may. You know this. Get talking to dh about where this decision this time will lead to in the future, and then give him space to think it through.

 

One thing I learned on that board is that people with difficult personalities don't miraculously become nice when they get older. Actually, they tend to get more and more difficult/crazy. Plan for it.

 

My dh has struggled with this too. It's tough. We've talked about it a lot. He and his siblings talk about it a lot too, and that has helped.

[Sandy in Indy]

Wow. I'm really sorry you have to deal with this.

 

This is an issue between you and your dh. And you're right, he's still that little boy inside, longing for the true love of a mother. But...very unlikely that's gonna happen at this date.

 

If dh will not concede and insists on bringing MIL home, I think I'd have to take the kids for a vacation somewhere. Visit a friend for a few days, something to remove *you* from the situation. (It's your house and you shouldn't have to do that...but...personally, I'd rather retreat than fight a losing battle.)

[Night Elf]

Impish, will she actually stay then? You said your DH was feeling 'resigned' to the stay.

 

Would your DH be angry if you and the kids went somewhere else? You know your MIL is going to be angry no matter what, who cares if she's also angry that you aren't there?

 

If you lived in Georgia, I'd offer you a place to stay. It might be cramped, but there wouldn't be any fighting. :)

[Audrey]

I'm shaking I'm so angry.

 

Apparently, she expects Wolf to pick her up on the 7th, stay here overnight, then have him drive her (2 hr round trip, easy) to stay with someone else...for who knows how long.

 

The cousin isn't leaving til the end of June, so apparently MIL assumes she's welcome til then. Why they'd want her underfoot til the last moment escapes my brain...and probably wouldn't even dawn on her to wonder. I asked Wolf where she expects to stay until July 15th then? Poor man is in shock himself and didn't have an answer.

 

I warned him to pray I don't answer the phone tomorrow. She told me about buying her ticket and the dates then asked, "And what do you think of that?" I almost told her. Instead, out of respect for my husband, I handed him the phone. Tomorrow I may not be so controlled.

 

God bless SpecialMama. She's coming to get me for coffee, so I can rant my head off where my poor dh doesn't have to listen! :lol:

 

 

 

Umm... big huge red flag... if she stays even ONE night at your house, I guarantee she won't leave. Don't let her stay even that one night. She's going to use it to leverage against you and bully you and your dh into letting her stay the whole 6 weeks.

[LND1218]

No advice - I understand. I had MIL issues too. But after dh's eyes were opened, he put his foot down. It got so much better after that. It only took him about 7 years.... :glare:

 

But I wanted to share - My family let go of a lot of things with my grandmother under the mistaken idea that well she's not got much longer to live and we could lose her anytime - that was their entire mentality. She got away with a lot of crap.

 

I recall 25 years spent that way. She lived to be nearly 100. Do you really want to do deal with this for another 20 years?

 

And by the time she died, my children didn't like her, and I was relieved. (My kids didn't have the exposure to her like I did - and they didn't hear/know all the excuses and stuff. If someone had just put their foot down, my whole life would have been different. This greatly impacts the kids - no matter how much you try to protect and shelter them. My sisters and I and our cousins really have had to deal with a lot baggage from her. I think this why dh finally dealt with his mom -he saw the issues in my family.)

 

What ever route you go - it's tough!